(no subject)
MORE APPS. ... we still have a lot left, so hey! Have another batch with a dup at the end!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Günter von Christ
Series: Kyou Kara Maou
Age: Unknown
Job: Teacher
Canon: Kyou Kara Maou is about one Shibuya Yuuri, your everyday baseball-loving high schooler who gets flushed down a toliet and transported to Shin Makoku; a world where humans and demons "co-exist", but are constantly at war with each other. Because of the color of his eyes and hair, and due to a powerful show of power (that Yuuri doesn't really remember, lawl), he then becomes the king of the Mazoku - The Maou. Of course, not everything is simple in life, and therefore, the newly crowned King Yuuri must go about bringing peace to his new lands, make his people happy, and bringing justice down upon those who try to hurt the innocent. And that's not even mentioning the crack.
But where would the King be without his ever-loyal advisor? This is the role Günter von Christ fills, a former swordsman who is there to guide Yuuri and teach him to be a proper king - or at least, he tries to. While he may look pretty serious, the minute Yuuri disappears back to Earth or goes on a mission without telling Günter he becomes a completely different person, and spends a good amount of time running around screaming for His Majesty in a nervous wreck.
...and by nervous wreck, what we really mean is imagining His Majesty in innappropriate, nose-bleed inducing outfits and other such fanboy-ish activities. This isn't all the time, though; he is perfectly capable of writing letters (composed, but still desperate) to his beloved king. ...that are never read, but it's the thought that counts.
Sample Post:
Salutations, King Yuuri.
I hope you are well, Your Majesty. It has been a few days since I left the castle, and though foul-smelling and very damp, I have come to adapt to these unexplored lands, in hopes to better understand the people. But I have found the most wonderful village, Your Majesty!
How friendly these people are! They've welcomed me into their village with open arms - literally, may I add! - in such a way that I'll have to study further. Though, removing one's guest's clothing is not a greeting I have read about before... such rituals must not be listed yet, due to the location of this village. I must add it at once when I return.
However, I was unaware they speak another language (which is strange, as it's very rare to come across another language in Shin Makoku), but they've been kind enough to teach it to me. It is rather hard to speak, as it involves much grunting and moaning, but I am confident that I can learn it, so I can return and teach it to Your Majesty! A good king should always known how to communicate with his people, after all.
But Your Majesty, these people have such a hungrer for knowledge, and oh, how fast they learn! It brings tears to my eyes at how willing these people are to learn of Your Majesty's accomplishments~! They've asked me to be their "graarghnnghugh", which in their language I believe means "teacher". Of course I, your beloved Günter, have willingly taken on this job, and will do my best not to disappoint Your Majesty as I teach these people of your wonderful deeds!
Ah, it appears as if there are more people arriving, so I'm afraid I must leave off here. I must go and greet them properly, after all! Be well, Your Majesty. I will return to your side as soon as I've learned more about these most mysterious and wonderful people.
Yours,
Günter.
Poll Vote!
Character: Nishizono Shinji
Series: MPD Psycho
Age: Betting pool starts at around 26
Job: Population Control Mgmt. Gun Control and Anger Management
Canon: MPD Psycho follows the conspiracy adventures of one guy who is actually approximately six guys. The titular Multiple Personality Detective Psycho of the series, Nishizono is home to several other personalities. Together, they don't fight crime, but sometimes, one of them gets to figure out why there are women sliced in half lying on mirrors around the city, who decided to plant their country garden in the brains of more women (in bondage!), and what the deal is with the shortstack that decided to take one of the personalities. Woops.
Nishizono is kickback, cool-headed, and very occasionally dorky. Most of the time, he doesn't have any particular life goal and is quite content to not do anything about anything, but if you get a little too personal, like framing him for a murder (just because he kills, doesn't mean he killed the slacker you nailed), he might come for you in your sleep. Or with a car. Or on your plane. Just because they think he's not the perfect killer, doesn't mean he's not damn close.
Note: Nishizono's pulled mostly from the original Japanese manga, especially with respect to the elusive Volume 11. So his speech style is really different from the scanlations, and he's not as psychotic as they seem to make him in the TV drama, if you're wondering.
Sample Post:
Well, well. So "airport" translates to "America" in cab-driver Filipino. I wouldn't have guessed. Is this that kiddie camp they kept sending brochures about? When I said I don't do population control, I wasn't lying. None of this gun management or anger control shit either. And sometimes, it might look like I work for free, but sometimes, it looks like you won the jackpot at the ATM. Or it looks like they finally wrote the last Gundam show. Or it looks like you've killed a guy six or seven times by running him over, crashing his helicopter, or shooting him point-blank. The reality: tough shit. None of it is true.
It's not that I don't like the idea going on here, but you guys don't really have vision. Or apparently, any sense of what you look like around here. You wanna pay attention to that a bit. Some people might like the Beware of Homo-Homo Pansies signs, but have a little class. Papier-mâché just doesn't do the trick after grade school.
Anyway. So you wanna cut down the population. I'd say this director guy's a good place to start, but let's say I have to solve a mystery about cannibal rabbits and don't feel like bothering with him today. Key thing to shuffling off the mortal coil is working with what you have.
Step one. Obtain weapon. In your average video game, these things are just lying around. Feel free to make use of local wildlife if you have to. Be creative. MacGyver it. So you can't mow down a guy with a Jeep because you don't happen to have a Jeep. Lassoing one of those purple things you guys have around and riding in on its head is just as good. If you don't know how to lasso an oversized violet gorilla, what are you doing here?
Step two. Kill things. If this isn't self-explanatory, find the nearest cliff and walk off. Something's dead. Mission accomplished.
Pretty easy, right? It looks like they did that first part for you, but these shotguns are super shoddy. Do these normally shoot Kool-Aid? Not into the ritual suicide thing, so you'll have to count me out. I have a great place you can go to if you like cults though. No card. Just ask around for Gakuso. If you can't find them, don't worry. They'll probably find you. The trendy little barcodes on most left eyes these days are all on file with them.
Back to the guns. I'll stick with my revolver.
Some undead fucker insults your mother. This undead's got a bigger vocabulary, so work with me. He insults your mother with one of those shitty insults you find in used book store joke collections. In fact, let's say he goes, "Yeah, well, Camp Fuck Your Mom." While you are in control of your gun, you deal with your anger by shooting the guy. If he gets up again, you shoot again. He gets up again. You shoot again. Reload and repeat.
Simple, yeah?
See, I don't even know why you needed me here. Now, anyone who's got my ticket for flight 6xxA from MNL (Philippines, guys. Philippines) to NRT in Tokyo, I'd like it back. That plane isn't crashing itself.
Poll Vote!
Character: Raymond "Ray" Vecchio
Series: due South
Age: Late forties
Job: ... traffic guard
Canon: Ray Vecchio is Benton Fraser's (aka "Benny" or "Frasier") first partner, a cynical, obnoxious Italian family guy, who just so happens to be a cop. As a detective serving in Chicago's 27th Precinct, RayV kicks ass and takes names, and isn't adverse to sometimes using, ahem, slightly off the report means to do so. However, he's a sap and possesses his own sort of dorky charm, and is a bit obsessed with his looks and how he runs with the ladies. ...despite his rather apparent receding hairline and affinity for bad Armani, which fortunately doesn't seem to discourage the important ones.
Fiercely loyal to his friends, family and even his coworkers with whom he is constantly at odds, RayV will do anything to ensure their safety, including risk his life -- complaining before, during and after. While fond of demonstrating Olympic-level abilities in whining, and trying to pretend that he doesn't enjoy being dragged into wild hijinks by Canadians in red (and getting his Armani covered in fur by a certain Canadian's wolf), RayV is all in all, a good cop and a decent man.
Sample Post:
Oh yeah, I can totally see what draws somebody to this place. The bleak, depressing scenery, the rustic charm -- almost pastoral, if you count the mooing undead, the convenience of being able to puke in the lake and not having to worry about toxic waste laws. I mean, if I had a list of the world's greatest vacation spots, this would be numero uno. Who needs a good night's sleep, dry socks, and a moment without thinking that you've lost your mind? Who needs hygiene?
But the security is top notch, I'll give you that. Can you believe that it took me a hundred to convince the guy to let me in? And a weapon search. Sheesh, do I look like a bad guy to you? Only in the right circumstances!
Let's cut to the chase. Ray Vecchio, a member of Chicago's finest, strictly here as your official el guardo del traffico. Fourteen years on the force and the Bookman case and I'm put on traffic duty in Louisiana. What's a man got to do to get some respect around here? You want a book long rap sheet on how to cross the street? I'm your man. You want an experienced eye on how to dress to impress? I'm your man. Ladies? I'm your man.
Kids? Absolutely not your man, unless your single mom needs some help crossing the street. Lost and found? No. I'm a cop, not a nice guy. I also do not a) walk wolves, b) feed wolves, or c) associate with wolves. Capiché?
Now, if you'd excuse me. I've got a big bad Mountie to scold.
Frasier, at the sake of repeating myself, if you're going to endanger your life, my life, our lives, at least give me some warning. A week would be nice, but I understand the necessity of impulse. Impulse is a manly thing. On that note, this is great, Benny. You've really outdone yourself. I know dying in the Canadian wilderness is one of your favorite hobbies, right after licking mud off Chicago's streets, but rounding up lepers and teaching them the famed Musical Ride of the Royal Canadian Mounted Samaritans? Wasn't a boy scout badge the last time I checked.
. . . neither was domesticating reanimated dinosaurs oh God were wolves not enough?! -- He's getting intimate with me! Did you see that? He was getting intimate with me! His putrid digestive juices are bonding with my Armani! His --
Good news. I think I found my stop sign. It's on my jacket.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kyouraku Shunsui
Series: Bleach
Age: Appears middle-aged, actual age is somewhere not quite as old as dirt
Job: Philosophical Advisor (old man who does no real work sits around dispensing obfuscated "wisdom")
Canon: BLEACH is that one series with the orange-haired kid who gets crazy shinigami (or Death God or Soul Reaper, whatever you like to call it) powers and has to fight evil spirits called Hollows to protect his friends and the rest the world and everyone has all sorts of crazy adventures and evil plots along the way.
Now Shunsui is a shinigami, that is one of those technically dead people/spirits who take care of things like sending souls to Soul Society and getting rid of Hollows. Specifically, he's captain of the 8th division of the 13 Court Divisions (located, as the name suggests, in the Court of Pure Souls, in Soul Society). In fact he's one of the oldest and most senior captains, possibly second only to the 1st division captain and general commander Yamamoto.
Shunsui likes wine, women, sleeping, avoiding work, making an entrance and hitting on his lieutenant (often resulting in him being hit by his lieutenant); he addresses and refers to Yamamoto as "old man Yama" and his lieutenant as "Nanao-chan", lazes about on the roof rather than prepare for an important event he needs to be present for, and is living dead not-living undead extant proof that real men wear pink. With flowery print. He's also insightful, friendly, calm and level-headed, loyal, dislikes fighting, and has a personal sense of justice such that he'd even risk his life standing up even to his former teacher and mentor if he felt it were the right thing to do.
Sample Post:
Ahh, excuse me, you there? Yes, you, Gorilla-kun, perhaps you would be so kind as to lend me a hand? It will only be a moment, and it's quite simple, really... When I say, just start tossing these petals from up here so that they'll be floating down just there, I'll sweep in for my entrance, and then you're done! Simple, hm? Now if you could just... Aaahh, no, don't throw them at me, here, let me take that and I could just show you- ah, alright, if you insist... Haaah, I suppose it isn't meant to be, is it? I'll have to make do without...
Greetings, young campers~ I am your new counselor, Kyouraku Shunsui. It's a pleasure to meet you. ♥
-- hm, it's just not the same without the flowers. Ah well. Ahem.
Your lovely Director-chan has requested my presence here in order to advise you upon such matters as life, the universe at large, and everything else you might see fit to ask. Hm, though I suppose I really couldn't tell you everything, it's just not as interesting if there aren't a few secrets, is it? Fufufu... But in any case, if you don't mind, do try not to have many burning questions too early in the morning, hm? Or too late at night, or that time in the middle of the afternoon when it's just perfect for a short nap in a nice sunny spot... And I suppose during dinner isn't the best time, either, or lunch or breakfast, for that matter, and certainly not- ah, but that isn't the point, and I'm sure there will be plenty of time to go over all that later.
So then! The gracious Director-chan has provided me with a list of some of the basic problems that could do with the benefit of a few words of wisdom. Let's see here... ah, "relationships with people who are or were dead before coming here," eh? Ahh, that would perhaps depend on the particulars? Think of it as something like an unexpected absence that's past now, and as for anything more than that, well, technicalities aside I don't see that anyone could accuse you of anything inappropriate if they're 'alive' enough to return the gesture. ♥
In any case, what else is on here... "being afflicted with a 'genderswitch virus'." ...can that actually happen here? Really? I suppose that would be rather, ah, inconvenient, but one certainly can use the situation to one's advantage and benefit. Though do try to do so in private, of course~
Next one is "being too damn depressed"? Well that's easy enough! There's hardly anything that a few cups of sake with friends can't cure, after all. -eh? What do you mean not allowed? At all? Seriously? ...aaahhh, you must be joking. Not even Nanao-chan would be that cruel. You certainly had me there though, really.
Hmm, though speaking of, perhaps that's enough of that. I think now might be a good time to take a break and go have a drink, if you happen to know of a place...?
...ah, that is, you were just joking about the sake, right?
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain Planet
Series: Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Age: Unknown. Mid-twentish in appearance
Job: Tree-hugger Eco-Educator
Canon: The environmentally friendly twin brother of early Superman, Captain Planet is summoned by five magical rings (Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Telepathy... sorry, Heart), held by five stereotypes teenagers with a need to protect the environment called 'the Planeteers'. Despite his extreme weakness to toxic waste, radiation poisoning, and easily tricked ringbearers, all it takes is a little sunshine on his golden globe chest piece, and he's back to being his invincible self once more.
An almost obscenely cheerful guy, his entire focus seems to be based on being exceptionally eco-friendly and spit out lame one-liners, while fighting eco-terrorists. He also has a green mullet.
Sample Post:
By your powers combined, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!
Never fear, Planeteers! I will-- hey. I don't see any eco-emergencies, Planeteers. You shouldn't just go and... Planeteers? I'm all for recycling, but this is ridiculous! You're decaying all over the place, and while your continued dedication to protecting Gaia from harm, even after death, is an inspiration to everyone... it would be best to allow your bodies to decay in the ground, so that you become nutrients for trees and other living creatures to grow on. Why, you could have been helping these rather friendly trees for awhile now! All you'd have to do is just bury yourself right about he--
While I'm flattered that you would choose me to teach the children of this camp how to protect the environment from harm, I'm afraid I have more pressing matters to attent to, Planeteers. Surely you can start this refresing new stragey with the campers! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a blight to take care of-- Wait! is that the nearly extinct Fresh Water Giant Squid? And those tucans! The gorillas! Why didn't I notice?
This area is a natural haven for these animals! But look at the land! The water is so irradiated... that can't be healthy for the animals to drink, let alone for the squid to live in! It's no wonder that the tress are looking for love! They can't possibly be getting any from that water!
Now, I know that as a summer camp for teenagers, that there probably isn't the proper equipment to do a real clean up of the water, but with a little heart, and a little belief, it'll be sparkling fresh in no time! Get your buckets and some scrubs, campers! We'll start with pulling out any waste that's found it's way into the water.
And remember!
The power is YOURS!
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: Watari Yutaka
Series: Yami no Matsuei (Descendants of Darkness)
Age: Physically 24, but is mentally around 45.
Job: Chairman of the Camp Fuck You Die Institutional Review Board of Biomedical Ethics
Canon: Yami no Matsuei is a series about the prestigious but low paid Shinigami (Gods of Death), who investigate supernatural events and help souls pass on. Watari is the cheerfully brilliant mad scientist of the group. He’s the Shinigami in charge of the quiet sixth area, which leaves him lots of free time to experiment. Watari’s area of expertise is mechanical engineering, but he usually ends up working outside of his field, frequently with disastrous results. At various points in the series, Watari has acted as an optometrist, physician, computer technician, and researcher of odd things that show up during cases.
Watari is obsessed with trying to create a potion that could change someone into the opposite gender, so that he can learn what it’s like to be a woman and experience giving birth. Since Watari’s somewhat ethically challenged when it comes to finding test subjects, he usually ends up bribing Tsusuki or tricking the rest of his co-workers into trying out his experiments. Failure never discourages Watari, but energizes him to try once again and make it work this time. During the last arc of the series, the remarkably non-angsty Watari seems to have caught some mysterious emo that he has buried very, very deeply. Unfortunately, this was never fully developed before the series went on permanent hiatus.
003 is Watari’s little owl, known for her frequent asides to the audience. She follows Watari around constantly, and one is rarely seen without the other.
Sample Post:
Transcript of Field Observations Made By Watari Yutaka In CFUD from 01 December 2006 to 29 December 2006
01 December 2006 02:43:25 - Apparently, I've just been appointed to the Institutional Review Board of a place called Camp Fuck You Die? I don't remember applying for the position, but there’s something in the letter about “aggravating U.S. government regulations”, “best rubber stamp we could ask for”, and “complete freedom to experiment with this and that...” I guess my extensive track record with the ethical treatment of human subjects speaks for itself! Toucan delivery service is new, but Bertie here seems to be getting along with 003 very w-
10 December 2006 14:12:03 - 003 still traumatized, will work on coaxing her out from my hair again later. I've been poking around camp a bit, and my initial observations show that many campers are experiencing the joy of experimentation through a variety of research projects. It's wonderful how the gorillas have been trained to assist in assuring compliance with FDA regulations! The campers’ written consent forms are all in order and complete, that can’t be brain matter, can it? ...No major humanitarian concerns among the populace that I've noticed! Note to self: Research the "genderswitch virus" ASAP. Artificial insemination as a way around the no sex rule?
18 December 2006 05:56:23 - The hair sample I borrowed from that gerderswitched camper has finally borne fruit. My first sample of fully synthesized sex-change potion ♥ is ready for human testing!!! Testing which will certainly be done in complete adherence to the CFUD code of medical ethics, of course! The most effective delivery system would be the water in the mess hall; the potion could easily reach the greatest number of volunteers that way. However, the hospital would provide a more contained area for the experiment. The large presence of medical staff there could have a detrimental effect on my data, though. Mess hall it is, then!
29 December 2006 23:08:42 - Oops. I should probably memo camp and suggest that campers and counselors don't drink the water. At least the unexpected side effects made for some interesting data, and I'm sure the colors will fade in time! I have a few things to consider before I start on the project again, but I should have sex-change potion 2.0 out in no time at all. Also, I must send out a general call for all healthy males to submit a sample to the newly created Camp Fuck You Die Sperm Bank. In the name of science! ♥
Applicant #2
Character: Watari Yutaka
Series: Yami no Matsuei (Theria.net is another great site)
Age: physically 26, actually 53
Job: Body modification adjustment counselor
Canon: In the deep ocean of angst that is Yami no Matseui, Watari is a bright and emo-free spot. Brutally honest, cheerfully perverse (in one infamous moment, Watari remarks that Muraki's horribly mutilated murder victims were "all babes~ ♥"), Watari doesn't let the low pay or high stress of his job get him down-- besides, he's too busy working toward his ultimate goal; finding the potion that will turn him into a woman.
Watari works for the Summons Divison-- sort of a rescue and recovery operation for demons and undead-- and serves as a medic, researcher, computer hacker, and cheerleader (although his only known degree is in mechanical engineering). He also has a nifty and unique power; he can make his drawings come to life-- never mind the fact that he has the art skills of a developmentally challenged six-year-old, his creations look just fine.
Prone to heartmarking, exaggeration, and grandiose statements, Watari is easy to dismiss as a flake. But he's also a brilliant scientist, a loyal friend, and the only person ever seen in canon ballsy enough to yell at Tatsumi Seiichirou, his feared and powerful coworker. There is darkness in Watari, but he's worked hard to hide it well, and even his co-workers aren't aware of all his depths.
Sample Post:
11 January
Lake water cultured. The first success in my new lab! ♥ I told them I just needed a bit more funding.... the life forms in the water are entirely unfamiliar to me. In structure, they resemble worms, but they seem to be able to communicate at an almost-human level of sophistication. Will attempt to amplify their conversations in the coming days. Hope the current "bonobo monkey" virus will not prove too disruptive to my work (will their attempts to break camp rules due to the form result in still more transformations? Must take careful notes. Perhaps giving them fruit will keep them calm....).
14 January
...how do the worms know who Britney Spears is?
And who is Kevin Federline?
22 January
Listening to the creatures has been remarkably educational. I now know the Billboard top five in sixteen genres and eight countries, the last six years' Oscar winners, and the top five reasons J. Lo's last album sank like a stone in the Pacific.
23 January
...even I have my limits. All materials relating to the experiment have been destroyed, save these research notes.
It's a terrible waste, really, but listening to a Day-Glo worm singing "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" is too much for even the most devoted researcher.
It'll have to consider this project a failure. But this is just another adventure in the name of science! And I have been distracted far too long from my main focus; surely, in an environment such as this, I will finally be successful! WATARI YUKATA, SCIENTIFIC GENIUS, WILL TRIUMPH!
Do you think I'll have a C cup or a D cup? ♥
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Günter von Christ
Series: Kyou Kara Maou
Age: Unknown
Job: Teacher
Canon: Kyou Kara Maou is about one Shibuya Yuuri, your everyday baseball-loving high schooler who gets flushed down a toliet and transported to Shin Makoku; a world where humans and demons "co-exist", but are constantly at war with each other. Because of the color of his eyes and hair, and due to a powerful show of power (that Yuuri doesn't really remember, lawl), he then becomes the king of the Mazoku - The Maou. Of course, not everything is simple in life, and therefore, the newly crowned King Yuuri must go about bringing peace to his new lands, make his people happy, and bringing justice down upon those who try to hurt the innocent. And that's not even mentioning the crack.
But where would the King be without his ever-loyal advisor? This is the role Günter von Christ fills, a former swordsman who is there to guide Yuuri and teach him to be a proper king - or at least, he tries to. While he may look pretty serious, the minute Yuuri disappears back to Earth or goes on a mission without telling Günter he becomes a completely different person, and spends a good amount of time running around screaming for His Majesty in a nervous wreck.
...and by nervous wreck, what we really mean is imagining His Majesty in innappropriate, nose-bleed inducing outfits and other such fanboy-ish activities. This isn't all the time, though; he is perfectly capable of writing letters (composed, but still desperate) to his beloved king. ...that are never read, but it's the thought that counts.
Sample Post:
Salutations, King Yuuri.
I hope you are well, Your Majesty. It has been a few days since I left the castle, and though foul-smelling and very damp, I have come to adapt to these unexplored lands, in hopes to better understand the people. But I have found the most wonderful village, Your Majesty!
How friendly these people are! They've welcomed me into their village with open arms - literally, may I add! - in such a way that I'll have to study further. Though, removing one's guest's clothing is not a greeting I have read about before... such rituals must not be listed yet, due to the location of this village. I must add it at once when I return.
However, I was unaware they speak another language (which is strange, as it's very rare to come across another language in Shin Makoku), but they've been kind enough to teach it to me. It is rather hard to speak, as it involves much grunting and moaning, but I am confident that I can learn it, so I can return and teach it to Your Majesty! A good king should always known how to communicate with his people, after all.
But Your Majesty, these people have such a hungrer for knowledge, and oh, how fast they learn! It brings tears to my eyes at how willing these people are to learn of Your Majesty's accomplishments~! They've asked me to be their "graarghnnghugh", which in their language I believe means "teacher". Of course I, your beloved Günter, have willingly taken on this job, and will do my best not to disappoint Your Majesty as I teach these people of your wonderful deeds!
Ah, it appears as if there are more people arriving, so I'm afraid I must leave off here. I must go and greet them properly, after all! Be well, Your Majesty. I will return to your side as soon as I've learned more about these most mysterious and wonderful people.
Yours,
Günter.
Poll Vote!
Character: Nishizono Shinji
Series: MPD Psycho
Age: Betting pool starts at around 26
Job: Population Control Mgmt. Gun Control and Anger Management
Canon: MPD Psycho follows the conspiracy adventures of one guy who is actually approximately six guys. The titular Multiple Personality Detective Psycho of the series, Nishizono is home to several other personalities. Together, they don't fight crime, but sometimes, one of them gets to figure out why there are women sliced in half lying on mirrors around the city, who decided to plant their country garden in the brains of more women (in bondage!), and what the deal is with the shortstack that decided to take one of the personalities. Woops.
Nishizono is kickback, cool-headed, and very occasionally dorky. Most of the time, he doesn't have any particular life goal and is quite content to not do anything about anything, but if you get a little too personal, like framing him for a murder (just because he kills, doesn't mean he killed the slacker you nailed), he might come for you in your sleep. Or with a car. Or on your plane. Just because they think he's not the perfect killer, doesn't mean he's not damn close.
Note: Nishizono's pulled mostly from the original Japanese manga, especially with respect to the elusive Volume 11. So his speech style is really different from the scanlations, and he's not as psychotic as they seem to make him in the TV drama, if you're wondering.
Sample Post:
Well, well. So "airport" translates to "America" in cab-driver Filipino. I wouldn't have guessed. Is this that kiddie camp they kept sending brochures about? When I said I don't do population control, I wasn't lying. None of this gun management or anger control shit either. And sometimes, it might look like I work for free, but sometimes, it looks like you won the jackpot at the ATM. Or it looks like they finally wrote the last Gundam show. Or it looks like you've killed a guy six or seven times by running him over, crashing his helicopter, or shooting him point-blank. The reality: tough shit. None of it is true.
It's not that I don't like the idea going on here, but you guys don't really have vision. Or apparently, any sense of what you look like around here. You wanna pay attention to that a bit. Some people might like the Beware of Homo-Homo Pansies signs, but have a little class. Papier-mâché just doesn't do the trick after grade school.
Anyway. So you wanna cut down the population. I'd say this director guy's a good place to start, but let's say I have to solve a mystery about cannibal rabbits and don't feel like bothering with him today. Key thing to shuffling off the mortal coil is working with what you have.
Step one. Obtain weapon. In your average video game, these things are just lying around. Feel free to make use of local wildlife if you have to. Be creative. MacGyver it. So you can't mow down a guy with a Jeep because you don't happen to have a Jeep. Lassoing one of those purple things you guys have around and riding in on its head is just as good. If you don't know how to lasso an oversized violet gorilla, what are you doing here?
Step two. Kill things. If this isn't self-explanatory, find the nearest cliff and walk off. Something's dead. Mission accomplished.
Pretty easy, right? It looks like they did that first part for you, but these shotguns are super shoddy. Do these normally shoot Kool-Aid? Not into the ritual suicide thing, so you'll have to count me out. I have a great place you can go to if you like cults though. No card. Just ask around for Gakuso. If you can't find them, don't worry. They'll probably find you. The trendy little barcodes on most left eyes these days are all on file with them.
Back to the guns. I'll stick with my revolver.
Some undead fucker insults your mother. This undead's got a bigger vocabulary, so work with me. He insults your mother with one of those shitty insults you find in used book store joke collections. In fact, let's say he goes, "Yeah, well, Camp Fuck Your Mom." While you are in control of your gun, you deal with your anger by shooting the guy. If he gets up again, you shoot again. He gets up again. You shoot again. Reload and repeat.
Simple, yeah?
See, I don't even know why you needed me here. Now, anyone who's got my ticket for flight 6xxA from MNL (Philippines, guys. Philippines) to NRT in Tokyo, I'd like it back. That plane isn't crashing itself.
Poll Vote!
Character: Raymond "Ray" Vecchio
Series: due South
Age: Late forties
Job: ... traffic guard
Canon: Ray Vecchio is Benton Fraser's (aka "Benny" or "Frasier") first partner, a cynical, obnoxious Italian family guy, who just so happens to be a cop. As a detective serving in Chicago's 27th Precinct, RayV kicks ass and takes names, and isn't adverse to sometimes using, ahem, slightly off the report means to do so. However, he's a sap and possesses his own sort of dorky charm, and is a bit obsessed with his looks and how he runs with the ladies. ...despite his rather apparent receding hairline and affinity for bad Armani, which fortunately doesn't seem to discourage the important ones.
Fiercely loyal to his friends, family and even his coworkers with whom he is constantly at odds, RayV will do anything to ensure their safety, including risk his life -- complaining before, during and after. While fond of demonstrating Olympic-level abilities in whining, and trying to pretend that he doesn't enjoy being dragged into wild hijinks by Canadians in red (and getting his Armani covered in fur by a certain Canadian's wolf), RayV is all in all, a good cop and a decent man.
Sample Post:
Oh yeah, I can totally see what draws somebody to this place. The bleak, depressing scenery, the rustic charm -- almost pastoral, if you count the mooing undead, the convenience of being able to puke in the lake and not having to worry about toxic waste laws. I mean, if I had a list of the world's greatest vacation spots, this would be numero uno. Who needs a good night's sleep, dry socks, and a moment without thinking that you've lost your mind? Who needs hygiene?
But the security is top notch, I'll give you that. Can you believe that it took me a hundred to convince the guy to let me in? And a weapon search. Sheesh, do I look like a bad guy to you? Only in the right circumstances!
Let's cut to the chase. Ray Vecchio, a member of Chicago's finest, strictly here as your official el guardo del traffico. Fourteen years on the force and the Bookman case and I'm put on traffic duty in Louisiana. What's a man got to do to get some respect around here? You want a book long rap sheet on how to cross the street? I'm your man. You want an experienced eye on how to dress to impress? I'm your man. Ladies? I'm your man.
Kids? Absolutely not your man, unless your single mom needs some help crossing the street. Lost and found? No. I'm a cop, not a nice guy. I also do not a) walk wolves, b) feed wolves, or c) associate with wolves. Capiché?
Now, if you'd excuse me. I've got a big bad Mountie to scold.
Frasier, at the sake of repeating myself, if you're going to endanger your life, my life, our lives, at least give me some warning. A week would be nice, but I understand the necessity of impulse. Impulse is a manly thing. On that note, this is great, Benny. You've really outdone yourself. I know dying in the Canadian wilderness is one of your favorite hobbies, right after licking mud off Chicago's streets, but rounding up lepers and teaching them the famed Musical Ride of the Royal Canadian Mounted Samaritans? Wasn't a boy scout badge the last time I checked.
. . . neither was domesticating reanimated dinosaurs oh God were wolves not enough?! -- He's getting intimate with me! Did you see that? He was getting intimate with me! His putrid digestive juices are bonding with my Armani! His --
Good news. I think I found my stop sign. It's on my jacket.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kyouraku Shunsui
Series: Bleach
Age: Appears middle-aged, actual age is somewhere not quite as old as dirt
Job: Philosophical Advisor (old man who does no real work sits around dispensing obfuscated "wisdom")
Canon: BLEACH is that one series with the orange-haired kid who gets crazy shinigami (or Death God or Soul Reaper, whatever you like to call it) powers and has to fight evil spirits called Hollows to protect his friends and the rest the world and everyone has all sorts of crazy adventures and evil plots along the way.
Now Shunsui is a shinigami, that is one of those technically dead people/spirits who take care of things like sending souls to Soul Society and getting rid of Hollows. Specifically, he's captain of the 8th division of the 13 Court Divisions (located, as the name suggests, in the Court of Pure Souls, in Soul Society). In fact he's one of the oldest and most senior captains, possibly second only to the 1st division captain and general commander Yamamoto.
Shunsui likes wine, women, sleeping, avoiding work, making an entrance and hitting on his lieutenant (often resulting in him being hit by his lieutenant); he addresses and refers to Yamamoto as "old man Yama" and his lieutenant as "Nanao-chan", lazes about on the roof rather than prepare for an important event he needs to be present for, and is living dead not-living undead extant proof that real men wear pink. With flowery print. He's also insightful, friendly, calm and level-headed, loyal, dislikes fighting, and has a personal sense of justice such that he'd even risk his life standing up even to his former teacher and mentor if he felt it were the right thing to do.
Sample Post:
Ahh, excuse me, you there? Yes, you, Gorilla-kun, perhaps you would be so kind as to lend me a hand? It will only be a moment, and it's quite simple, really... When I say, just start tossing these petals from up here so that they'll be floating down just there, I'll sweep in for my entrance, and then you're done! Simple, hm? Now if you could just... Aaahh, no, don't throw them at me, here, let me take that and I could just show you- ah, alright, if you insist... Haaah, I suppose it isn't meant to be, is it? I'll have to make do without...
Greetings, young campers~ I am your new counselor, Kyouraku Shunsui. It's a pleasure to meet you. ♥
-- hm, it's just not the same without the flowers. Ah well. Ahem.
Your lovely Director-chan has requested my presence here in order to advise you upon such matters as life, the universe at large, and everything else you might see fit to ask. Hm, though I suppose I really couldn't tell you everything, it's just not as interesting if there aren't a few secrets, is it? Fufufu... But in any case, if you don't mind, do try not to have many burning questions too early in the morning, hm? Or too late at night, or that time in the middle of the afternoon when it's just perfect for a short nap in a nice sunny spot... And I suppose during dinner isn't the best time, either, or lunch or breakfast, for that matter, and certainly not- ah, but that isn't the point, and I'm sure there will be plenty of time to go over all that later.
So then! The gracious Director-chan has provided me with a list of some of the basic problems that could do with the benefit of a few words of wisdom. Let's see here... ah, "relationships with people who are or were dead before coming here," eh? Ahh, that would perhaps depend on the particulars? Think of it as something like an unexpected absence that's past now, and as for anything more than that, well, technicalities aside I don't see that anyone could accuse you of anything inappropriate if they're 'alive' enough to return the gesture. ♥
In any case, what else is on here... "being afflicted with a 'genderswitch virus'." ...can that actually happen here? Really? I suppose that would be rather, ah, inconvenient, but one certainly can use the situation to one's advantage and benefit. Though do try to do so in private, of course~
Next one is "being too damn depressed"? Well that's easy enough! There's hardly anything that a few cups of sake with friends can't cure, after all. -eh? What do you mean not allowed? At all? Seriously? ...aaahhh, you must be joking. Not even Nanao-chan would be that cruel. You certainly had me there though, really.
Hmm, though speaking of, perhaps that's enough of that. I think now might be a good time to take a break and go have a drink, if you happen to know of a place...?
...ah, that is, you were just joking about the sake, right?
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain Planet
Series: Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Age: Unknown. Mid-twentish in appearance
Job: Tree-hugger Eco-Educator
Canon: The environmentally friendly twin brother of early Superman, Captain Planet is summoned by five magical rings (Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Telepathy... sorry, Heart), held by five stereotypes teenagers with a need to protect the environment called 'the Planeteers'. Despite his extreme weakness to toxic waste, radiation poisoning, and easily tricked ringbearers, all it takes is a little sunshine on his golden globe chest piece, and he's back to being his invincible self once more.
An almost obscenely cheerful guy, his entire focus seems to be based on being exceptionally eco-friendly and spit out lame one-liners, while fighting eco-terrorists. He also has a green mullet.
Sample Post:
By your powers combined, I AM CAPTAIN PLANET!
Never fear, Planeteers! I will-- hey. I don't see any eco-emergencies, Planeteers. You shouldn't just go and... Planeteers? I'm all for recycling, but this is ridiculous! You're decaying all over the place, and while your continued dedication to protecting Gaia from harm, even after death, is an inspiration to everyone... it would be best to allow your bodies to decay in the ground, so that you become nutrients for trees and other living creatures to grow on. Why, you could have been helping these rather friendly trees for awhile now! All you'd have to do is just bury yourself right about he--
While I'm flattered that you would choose me to teach the children of this camp how to protect the environment from harm, I'm afraid I have more pressing matters to attent to, Planeteers. Surely you can start this refresing new stragey with the campers! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a blight to take care of-- Wait! is that the nearly extinct Fresh Water Giant Squid? And those tucans! The gorillas! Why didn't I notice?
This area is a natural haven for these animals! But look at the land! The water is so irradiated... that can't be healthy for the animals to drink, let alone for the squid to live in! It's no wonder that the tress are looking for love! They can't possibly be getting any from that water!
Now, I know that as a summer camp for teenagers, that there probably isn't the proper equipment to do a real clean up of the water, but with a little heart, and a little belief, it'll be sparkling fresh in no time! Get your buckets and some scrubs, campers! We'll start with pulling out any waste that's found it's way into the water.
And remember!
The power is YOURS!
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: Watari Yutaka
Series: Yami no Matsuei (Descendants of Darkness)
Age: Physically 24, but is mentally around 45.
Job: Chairman of the Camp Fuck You Die Institutional Review Board of Biomedical Ethics
Canon: Yami no Matsuei is a series about the prestigious but low paid Shinigami (Gods of Death), who investigate supernatural events and help souls pass on. Watari is the cheerfully brilliant mad scientist of the group. He’s the Shinigami in charge of the quiet sixth area, which leaves him lots of free time to experiment. Watari’s area of expertise is mechanical engineering, but he usually ends up working outside of his field, frequently with disastrous results. At various points in the series, Watari has acted as an optometrist, physician, computer technician, and researcher of odd things that show up during cases.
Watari is obsessed with trying to create a potion that could change someone into the opposite gender, so that he can learn what it’s like to be a woman and experience giving birth. Since Watari’s somewhat ethically challenged when it comes to finding test subjects, he usually ends up bribing Tsusuki or tricking the rest of his co-workers into trying out his experiments. Failure never discourages Watari, but energizes him to try once again and make it work this time. During the last arc of the series, the remarkably non-angsty Watari seems to have caught some mysterious emo that he has buried very, very deeply. Unfortunately, this was never fully developed before the series went on permanent hiatus.
003 is Watari’s little owl, known for her frequent asides to the audience. She follows Watari around constantly, and one is rarely seen without the other.
Sample Post:
Transcript of Field Observations Made By Watari Yutaka In CFUD from 01 December 2006 to 29 December 2006
01 December 2006 02:43:25 - Apparently, I've just been appointed to the Institutional Review Board of a place called Camp Fuck You Die? I don't remember applying for the position, but there’s something in the letter about “aggravating U.S. government regulations”, “best rubber stamp we could ask for”, and “complete freedom to experiment with this and that...” I guess my extensive track record with the ethical treatment of human subjects speaks for itself! Toucan delivery service is new, but Bertie here seems to be getting along with 003 very w-
10 December 2006 14:12:03 - 003 still traumatized, will work on coaxing her out from my hair again later. I've been poking around camp a bit, and my initial observations show that many campers are experiencing the joy of experimentation through a variety of research projects. It's wonderful how the gorillas have been trained to assist in assuring compliance with FDA regulations! The campers’ written consent forms are all in order and complete, that can’t be brain matter, can it? ...No major humanitarian concerns among the populace that I've noticed! Note to self: Research the "genderswitch virus" ASAP. Artificial insemination as a way around the no sex rule?
18 December 2006 05:56:23 - The hair sample I borrowed from that gerderswitched camper has finally borne fruit. My first sample of fully synthesized sex-change potion ♥ is ready for human testing!!! Testing which will certainly be done in complete adherence to the CFUD code of medical ethics, of course! The most effective delivery system would be the water in the mess hall; the potion could easily reach the greatest number of volunteers that way. However, the hospital would provide a more contained area for the experiment. The large presence of medical staff there could have a detrimental effect on my data, though. Mess hall it is, then!
29 December 2006 23:08:42 - Oops. I should probably memo camp and suggest that campers and counselors don't drink the water. At least the unexpected side effects made for some interesting data, and I'm sure the colors will fade in time! I have a few things to consider before I start on the project again, but I should have sex-change potion 2.0 out in no time at all. Also, I must send out a general call for all healthy males to submit a sample to the newly created Camp Fuck You Die Sperm Bank. In the name of science! ♥
Applicant #2
Character: Watari Yutaka
Series: Yami no Matsuei (Theria.net is another great site)
Age: physically 26, actually 53
Job: Body modification adjustment counselor
Canon: In the deep ocean of angst that is Yami no Matseui, Watari is a bright and emo-free spot. Brutally honest, cheerfully perverse (in one infamous moment, Watari remarks that Muraki's horribly mutilated murder victims were "all babes~ ♥"), Watari doesn't let the low pay or high stress of his job get him down-- besides, he's too busy working toward his ultimate goal; finding the potion that will turn him into a woman.
Watari works for the Summons Divison-- sort of a rescue and recovery operation for demons and undead-- and serves as a medic, researcher, computer hacker, and cheerleader (although his only known degree is in mechanical engineering). He also has a nifty and unique power; he can make his drawings come to life-- never mind the fact that he has the art skills of a developmentally challenged six-year-old, his creations look just fine.
Prone to heartmarking, exaggeration, and grandiose statements, Watari is easy to dismiss as a flake. But he's also a brilliant scientist, a loyal friend, and the only person ever seen in canon ballsy enough to yell at Tatsumi Seiichirou, his feared and powerful coworker. There is darkness in Watari, but he's worked hard to hide it well, and even his co-workers aren't aware of all his depths.
Sample Post:
11 January
Lake water cultured. The first success in my new lab! ♥ I told them I just needed a bit more funding.... the life forms in the water are entirely unfamiliar to me. In structure, they resemble worms, but they seem to be able to communicate at an almost-human level of sophistication. Will attempt to amplify their conversations in the coming days. Hope the current "bonobo monkey" virus will not prove too disruptive to my work (will their attempts to break camp rules due to the form result in still more transformations? Must take careful notes. Perhaps giving them fruit will keep them calm....).
14 January
...how do the worms know who Britney Spears is?
And who is Kevin Federline?
22 January
Listening to the creatures has been remarkably educational. I now know the Billboard top five in sixteen genres and eight countries, the last six years' Oscar winners, and the top five reasons J. Lo's last album sank like a stone in the Pacific.
23 January
...even I have my limits. All materials relating to the experiment have been destroyed, save these research notes.
It's a terrible waste, really, but listening to a Day-Glo worm singing "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" is too much for even the most devoted researcher.
It'll have to consider this project a failure. But this is just another adventure in the name of science! And I have been distracted far too long from my main focus; surely, in an environment such as this, I will finally be successful! WATARI YUKATA, SCIENTIFIC GENIUS, WILL TRIUMPH!
Do you think I'll have a C cup or a D cup? ♥
Poll Vote!