COUNSELORS ARE GO.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBAAALLL. ...Wait.
All right everyone, there are a LOT of counselor apps - a lot of great counselor apps. Wow, everyone worked hard AND BOY, AM I GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM ALL. ♥ Everybody take a deep breath - you sent them in! It's all good! Everyone's just as nervous as you. So lean back and be zen, and get your voting caps on. Each of these apps is somebody's baby, so everybody please vote with shoujo hearts and give each your due attention. Remember, anonymous could be YOUR MOTHER.
We haven't weeded anyone right off the bat, but we'll let you know when we're done! For the record, this is what we're looking for:
1) An active, creative, functional JOB.
2) No, or easily fixed, format errors.
3) Strikeout jokes aren't overused, image links aren't overpowering, the format is not overbearing - basically, things we know can get an app voted out all by themselves.
Okay, you're not here to hear me ramble. LET'S HAVE FUN, GUYS. HERE IS THE FIRST ROUND OF THE FRUITS OF YOUR EMAILS.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE.. Wow, them's some fast votin's. CLOSED.
Character: Phoenix Wright
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney / Justice For All
Character Age: 25
Job: Camp Defense Attorney
Canon: Objection! Take that! Hold it! If you're not screaming at least
one of these things at your GameBoy, then you're doing it wrong. Phoenix Wright is a
goofy video game about ambiguously gay lawyers and the adventures they have. Marvel
at brilliant character names like Dick Gumshoe and De Killer! Be amazed as the main
rival delivers lines like "Objection! That was . . . objectionable!" And . . . laugh really
freaking hard when Phoenix attempts to cross-examine a puppet. Even though the
[locations and dates] are listed at the beginning of each scene, the
mysteries are rarely ever quite that simple. The game switches from goofy to exciting
and back again faster than you can say "not guilty"; characters include people like goofy
police detectives, poofy rival lawyers, ineffective spirit mediums, and entire circuses.
The game doesn't take itself all that seriously.
Single-minded to a fault, Phoenix Wright is an amateur defense lawyer who regularly
snatches victory from the jaws of defeat. Although often emotional and over-dramatic,
he is first and foremost a sincere young man who honestly believes in the innocence of
his clients, no matter how solid the case against them. Of course, the fact that he always
gets the REALLY DIFFICULT (and always MURDER) cases means that he's constantly
bluffing his way through the tiniest of holes, scraping for every scrap of evidence that
might work in his favor. Stubborn? Oh yeah. He often keeps a sarcastic inner
monologue going even when the going gets tough--or, as is more likely, utterly crazy.
He's equal parts victim to and participant in all the madness that hurricanes around him.
By the end of the second game, Wright presents himself as being a confident,
experienced lawyer . . . Until his spirit medium assistant decides to top him again,
anyway.
Sample Post:
[December 29th, 6:01 PM]
[Camp Fuck U Die]
The defense is ready, Your Honor. . . . The defense also wants to raise an objection
before we start. Safety precautions are important and all, but--the pink flame retardant
suit really isn't necessary. When I say that I'm "Phoenix" Wright, I'm not
actually a flaming bird. Or a flaming anything. The, uh, bodyguards themselves
don't seem to be very helpful either, and their purple color contradicts the swamp setting.
What sort of animal evolves fur that clashes with the setting it's supposed to camouflage
with? Doesn't something like that contradict the theory of evolution?
It's not the only thing that doesn't make sense here. The whole case falls apart if you just
look at it from a different angle. For instance, this autopsy report states that Stephan
Debussey was killed in this very camp--on a date long before any of the
defendants arrived here. They would need a time machine to do the deed! Is the
prosecution insinuating that that kind of thing is even possible? . . . someone here
can build a time machine? Oh. Uh. W-well, that doesn't mean they used it! It
could be. Decorative? Is there something wrong with having a nuclear-powered
Christmas tree?
Even if there were a hypothetical time machine, it's simply not in my clients' characters to
murder an innocent man. I know they've supposedly confessed to all sorts of crimes--
smuggling, genocide, patricide, caticide, arson, excessive tags, public indecency, incest,
cannibalism--but the method of confession was completely ridiculous. How can you trust
a public poll conducted by semi-sentient computers? If they're smart enough to ask the
question, then they're definitely smart to forge the results.
You can't just throw innocent people into a camp and wait for them to be proven guilty.
Keeping them in a place with tentacle rape and dangerous diseases is worse than cruel
and unusual punishment--it's torture! There's no situation where that kind of treatment
could possibly be considered just. I--I can't allow that, not as long as my name's still
Phoenix Wright. I believe in my clients' innocence, and I believe in the truth! All two-
hundred and seventy-three defendants deserve a fair--
. . .
T-two-hundred and seventy-three!?
The. . .the defense requests a recess.
Poll Vote!
Character: Miles Edgeworth
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney / Justice for All
Age: 25
Job: Prosecutor and Representative of Justice(!!1`)
Canon: Phoenix Wright is a video game series for the GBA and NDS, with two games currently available in English for the DS. The player takes the role of rookie defense lawyer Phoenix Wright, who must defend his moronic colorful clients and prove their innocence in a court of law. Cracked-out evidence, faulty testimony, parrots on the witness stand -- it's all in a day's work for Phoenix.
Enter one froofy, not emo really, grumpy prosecutor with what may be the worst streak of bad luck ever, Miles Edgeworth. Rumored to be willing to do anything to seize a guilty verdict -- including fabricating evidence and tampering with witnesses, Edgeworth appears to be cold, calculating, and a force to be reckoned with in court. . . . nevermind that a good deal of his reputation couldn't be any further from the truth. The infamous "demon prosecutor" is also a closet fanboy of the popular children's TV show "The Steel Samurai" and organizes his teabags lovingly next to the model figure in his office. Through it all, Edgeworth tries to maintain a professional air to himself -- even when his witnesses don't quite respond the way he wants them to.
Note: While Edgeworth is being taken from after the second game, the app itself contains no spoilers. Also, the game tends to highlight words when things are submitted to the court record.
Sample Entry:
If the defense is quite finished with wasting our time by attempting to garner over a seventy percent majority, the prosecution is ready to proceed.
But first, allow me to point out that the resources at hand here are less than satisfactory for the prosecution. While it is understandable that this facility is not as contemporary as what I am used to, there were still several difficulties with your troll-like deputies. I had to inform them of the fact that I was not what they so fondly referred to as an "attorney at lol." As serious as the internet may be, I believe we have more important business to attend to.
In regards to the case at hand, 'Madam Director v. Campers of Camp Fuck You Die,' the prosecution has a substantial amount of evidence that will more than speak for itself. At your Honor's approval, I have the murder weapon here to submit to the Court Record. And what was that weapon? It's quite simple: "." Stephan Debussey's life was brought to an abrupt end by these tags; we even have reason to believe that the one that dealt the death blow was entitled, "now that's a sexy image!". The prosecution declines to comment on the irony of this situation.
While the contents and implications of said tag are debatable, the facts still remain. And who is responsible for this tag that brought about Mr. Debussey's untimely demise? The campers, of course. And it is this hard evidence that will bring out the truth of this matter in the court of law, particularly when accompanied by a solid testimony. Ladies and Gentlemen and tiny Tentaclemen of the court, the prosecution has a witness on hand with such a testimony, one that I daresay is damning for the defense. With that said, the prosecution would like to call the witness to the stand.
Witness, please state your name and profession.
. . . No, witness. "Kupo" is not an acceptable answer.
Poll Vote!
Character: Rupert Everett Giles
Series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Character age: 46
Job: Computer Network Analyst
Canon: In each generation there is a girl destined to stand against the forces of darkness, known as the Slayer. And usually accompanying her is a stuffy British gentleman, known as a Watcher. Rupert Giles is Buffy's Watcher, whose job is training her and advising her in matters of the occult, while posing as Sunnydale High's librarian. In his youth, Giles earned the nickname "Ripper" for his dabbling in the dark arts, but has now turned his knowledge to mentoring the Buffy and her friends, becoming a replacement father-figure for Buffy in many ways.
Giles is the English professor stereotype, complete with tweed attire and a penchant for tea. His dry, reserved sense of humor never wavers even in the most dangerous of situations. And he has remarkable patience for the unusual, both arcane-related and those arising from teenage stupidity. However, the one proven conundrum that disrupts his British zen is technology. His awkward distaste for computers, claiming their inferiority to books because "they don't smell," is a superstition he never quite gets over.
Giles is taken from the end of the third season.
Sample Post:
Hello children, my name is Mr. Giles. The director of this, ah, institution, Ms. Sayre, has granted me permission to stay on as an advisor to you all. Although any assistance given in my official capacity may be rather...unhelpful. You see, apparently the only position available to me at the time was your computer-what was it? A web?-Yes, web maintainer. Of course, one would expect marvelous hiring practices of such a place. An Oxford graduate who spent his career studying the undead should end up as some kind of…babysitter for a, er, so-called livejournal. This will be pleasantly akin to pulling teeth... But, rest assured, I am well instructed in many other areas. So if you should need help in identifying the entomology of certain predators trying to consume you, practice in any weaponry from the twelfth to twentieth century, or magical wards to keep the shambling zombies at bay, please seek me out. I am here to help you stay alive. A-as well as help you with computer troubles.
Indeed, I do think the first steps to, well, fixing your computers would be routine exorcisms. I have a basic spell in Aramaic that should at least stop unwanted transmissions. From there on it would simply be a matter of accessing other parts of the network. After all, it's not like the internet was invented for pornography. So the temporary solution would be finding suitable avenues away from whatever...influence this place has. No matter how grammatically unsound Camp Fuck You Die is, it's as obvious in stated intent as naming something a Hellmouth.
Now that I have properly guarded my computer against such dark influences, the only obstacle left to surmount is, ah...the computer itself. Willow did say the search machine was arou-There! And contact with the outside world is established. My, it went immediately to the British Broadcasting page. Although I can't imagine what ninny would shorten Channel Four into 4chan but...
Ah. Oh dear.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hiro Nakamura
Series: Heroes (Wikipedia for series and Hiro)
Character age: 24
Job: Audience/Camper liason
Canon: One day, Hiro Nakamura is going to be an English-speaking, sword-wielding, bona-fide badass. Today, however, is not that day. Today Hiro is an enthusiastic Japanese otaku with a heart of gold and the ability to bend time and space. Like all great heroes who are also Spider-man fans, Hiro knows that with great power comes great responsibility, so he and his best friend Ando are on a mission to save the world. Working with them (though in different places), are a ragtag bunch of other heroes, some known and some unknown. One of them, Peter, gets a visit from the Hiro of the future, who gives him a simple message: save the cheerleader, save the world. Hiro and Ando, after hearing about this from Peter, are looking for her on a roadtrip across America righting wrongs and cheating at gambling. But mainly righting wrongs.
Hiro is earnest, bright, cheerful, and dedicated. He has a strong sense of right and wrong, a dedication to justice, and a genuine and powerful desire to not just save the world, but to save every individual he can, even those who wrong him. He also has a deep appreciation for comic books, video games, geekery in general, and delicious waffles.
Note: the style of Hiro's app is taken from his online blog, where he really does use that translation service and those smiley faces. He is being taken from after the episode "Nowhere to Hide."
Sample post:
{{{(>.<)}}} (o.o) \(^o^)/
In order to become great, every hero must go through long training, mustn't they? In Final Fantasy X, there were the Calm Lands, where Tidus leveled up for many hours. For me, there is Louisiana! I have found a most impressive training camp full of superhero fans like myself! (*o*) Many of them are in character, in diverse roles from protagonists to mindless zombies. I have never seen a LARP as complicated as this before, and I am honored to be allowed to participate in it.
Of course I am using this opportunity to raise my stats. In order to become as powerful as the future self who visited Peter Petrelli, I have decided I must raise my strength and dexterity to be able to use my sword. (^o^)==[=======> Here at the camp, I have managed to get one point of dexterity with the tentacle monster dodging game (it is most complicated-I must admire the ingenuity of the American fans, if not their subject choices) and half a point of strength from roleplaying fights with the gorilla cosplayers. I tried to thank them afterward, but they were very in character and refused to speak to me. (-_-) At least, I hope it was that and not that they could not understand my poor English. I will have to continue practicing until I can speak to everyone! \(^o^)/
Luckily they have also offered me a job here. When I told them that I was a blogger, they explained that they had been looking for someone who could make the audience feel included. I never knew LARPers played to an audience before, but I am glad to be earning money honestly. b(^o^)d So, readers, I ask that you friend the Livejournal community campfuckudie so that you can read and comment on my and others' blog entries there. The cosplayers all have accounts and are most convincingly in character. Long have I wanted to ask my favorite characters what they were thinking at key moments in their development, and the insights of the American fans are most intriguing. Their antagonists especially have much interest to me, although they are so in character they will often become threatening. (v_v) I have already had to run from five of them, but if this continues I am sure to raise my dexterity points again!
I encourage all of you to come and read this blog and tell me and my new friends what we can do to entertain you. I know this is not the heroic quest that I had promised, but until I have raised my stats adequately I think this is the best place for me to be. I have heard that I can even raise my constitution by trying the Tuesday soup! And once I am finished leveling here, I am sure that I will be able to defeat the big boss and save the cheerleader! <(^o^<) (>^o^)>
I only hope she will not be in another castle.
Auto-Translated by: Yamagato Software
Poll Vote!
Character: Marvin
Series: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Character Age: A couple of months, at most.
Job: Backup Loudspeaker
Canon: The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With." Ironically, when the company decided to introduce "Genuine People Personalities" as features in their products, they built the prototype, Marvin, who is neither plastic nor fun to be with. Best described as a "sulking machine," Marvin is a super-intelligent manically depressed robot who trudges around making a big show of just how much effort it takes to move. The robot is not difficult to understand; Marvin openly detests existence and complains endlessly in a very loud fashion about how everyone hates and abuses him, which usually results in everyone hating and abusing him all while trying to politely deny it. Explaining his view of the Universe repeatedly causes spaceships to commit suicide, entire armies of killer robots to loll about sobbing dramatically, a bridge to collapse weeping and other such minor disasters.
Sample Post:
Wretched place, isn't it? Sparkles, a chocolate well, some woman who probably offed her own old man-now there's a lucky bastard, if you ask me. Just my luck she'd want a bunch of people to sit and listen to her complain about how depressed the whole thing makes her. As if that's not bad enough, the entire bloody planet seems to have got stupid enough to forget that it's been demolished to make room for a hyperspace bypass. And to top it all off the Director decides her camp's got to be based in a swamp. Swamps! Don't even talk about them.
Then there are the campers. They think they've got problems. Some of them are still mourning the loss of that Bloody Mary spring-doesn't that just take the cake? Just a load of vodka and tomato juice, rotten stuff really. Can't bear the stuff. I wouldn't drink it if my circuits depended on it. Not that I could drink it if I wanted to. Thank you the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for never stopping to think maybe I'd like a liver to abuse with disgusting drinks. Not that it'd make me happy, but they could at least be a little considerate.
And those poor fools keep telling me I have to save with one of you "moogles" before I can talk to the football players. Isn't like I want to talk to the football players. I can't stand sports, but there's not much else to do is there? 'Course, I'm not getting anywhere with that either. Every time I talk to a moogle it grabs its head, cries "oh no!" and pop! Dead as dead can be. One after another, like little lemmings. "Oh no," pop! "Oh no," pop! Exactly like you're doing now.
. . . What a stupid little creature that was. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I have to suffer the indignity of mucking about in a swamp watching moogles blow themselves up. Swamps! Don't even talk about them.
But I know what you're all thinking. Won't the bloody robot just get on with his stupid little job and stop bothering us? Why won't he just make his silly little announcement and go so we can get on with our pointless, hormonal lives? Fine, if you really want it done that badly, I'll get on with it. But you won't like it.
ATTENTION CAMPERS: I'M FEELING VERY DEPRESSED. THAT IS ALL.
I suppose you all want to shoot the messenger now. I told you that you wouldn't like it.
Poll Vote!
Character: Meryl Stryfe
Series: Trigun Maximum
Character Age: 23
Job: Claims Agent
Canon: In life there are many paths to take. Meryl's always lead to disaster as she stalks--I'm sorry, TRAILS Vash the Stampede in an attempt to minimize the damage he causes. She is not the average insurance lady. Armed with about a million derringers and a megaphone, Meryl makes it her first priority to alert citizens as to when they're being total and complete idiots, especially when said idiocy causes a rise in insurance claims. She's spunky, loud, and not afraid to get her hands dirty. But under all the fuss and shouting is a lot of heart, and a girl who sincerely does want to protect people. Now, if only she could take her job less seriously.
Sample Post:
Testing! One two! Can everyone hear me?
Attention campers! I am Meryl Stryfe and I am here on behalf of the Bernardelli Insurance Society! This is very important for you all to listen to, so--HEY SHUT UP! I know insurance isn't that exciting but there's no need to groan and moan like that! This is important! Ah. As I was saying.
Campers, whether you know it or not, you are all covered by the head of this facility to the greatest extent our insurance will allow. As such, she has made several large claims on a great majority of those present. However, it's plain to see that several of these claims are fraudulent! I'm not even sure where to start, to be quite honest. She has attempted to collect life insurance on some of you more than a dozen times. Obviously you can all see the glaring flaw in THAT. Honestly! Trying to collect on the same person ten times! Furthermore, there is no way we should be covering your lepers on our health insurance plan, and this oversight is being corrected as we speak. I would also like to be informed as to what a "moogle" is exactly, considering we're paying several of them workers' compensation for on-the-job injuries.
Basically, this entire place is a scam. The Bernardelli Society aside, I have on good authority she claims you all as dependents on her taxes as well. I suggest strongly that you all seek legal action against her in the future.
So, as a representative of the Bernardelli Insurance Society, I have come to inspect all claims made. And I'll be making sure there's no more gross neglect of safety! . . . in both meanings of the word. STOP CHEWING ON EACH OTHER. We've even added a clause to make sure just that kind of thing will no longer be covered under our medical plan! You'd better listen to me, or we're changing your primary care physicians to people very far away. Think of the long drive! The gas costs! Aren't you listening?! I'm threatening you with an HMO!
Character: Meryl Stryfe
Series: Trigun
Age: 23
Job: Insurance Agent
Canon: Meryl is an insurance worker from Trigun. Some of Meryl's characteristics include a notoriously short temper on top of just plain being notoriously short. She constantly chases Vash the Stampede around as a part of her job, verifying claims for the Bernardelli Insurance Society. Her and her friend, Milly Thompson, soon find out the truth about Vash and his distinction. If there's one goal Meryl has, it is to restore and keep order. This is due to Meryl's very straight-laced personality. She is a good person, despite all her nagging and spoiling of other people's fun.
Sample Post:
Attention campers, attention campers!
I need you to stop what you're doing for a moment and listen. So you two in the back, stop playing with that flamethrower. You, over there! Drop whatever it you're eating- Is that a human arm? Gross. Okay, I seem to have your attention now. My name is Meryl Stryfe, and I'm from the Bernardelli Insurance Society. I'm here to compensate you for any and all damages caused by Vash the Stampede.
I'll need you to list the damages. From the looks of it, there have been quite a bit of damages accrued here- I've heard about Nicholas D. Wolfwood's bike Unfortunately, I personally don't give a damn about Wolfwood's bike. Damage number two seems to unanimously be Vash's weird behavior. While I understand this, I cannot simply compensate every poor soul that has been affected by the wrath of this- And if another person calls my hair 'emo', I'm whipping out my derringers! What the hell is emo anyway?
Is that all you people have? Idle threats can't be compensated. I might be wrong, but all of you wouldn't be trying to weasel money out of me? A splinter won't be compensated for thousands of double dollars, even if it did get infected! Ingrown toenails fall into that category as well. I know Vash the Stampede! I've seen this camp. Are you seriously going to tell me that he's not the cause for the wretched state this place is in?! The director, huh? Maybe I should have a talk with this director.
It sounds like this director woman is the Louisiana equivalent of the Humanoid Typhoon. Using my better judgment, I'll make sure to have her petitioned to become mankind's second listed human disaster. The pain and suffering I've seen since coming here should be all the evidence I need. The radioactive lake water, the disgusting food rations, the constant playing of polka music; these are all very valid and very real reasons for this dubious distinction.
That, and I really can't afford to get fired for supposedly not doing my job. Argh, where the hell is Milly when I need her?!
Poll Vote!
All right everyone, there are a LOT of counselor apps - a lot of great counselor apps. Wow, everyone worked hard AND BOY, AM I GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM ALL. ♥ Everybody take a deep breath - you sent them in! It's all good! Everyone's just as nervous as you. So lean back and be zen, and get your voting caps on. Each of these apps is somebody's baby, so everybody please vote with shoujo hearts and give each your due attention. Remember, anonymous could be YOUR MOTHER.
We haven't weeded anyone right off the bat, but we'll let you know when we're done! For the record, this is what we're looking for:
1) An active, creative, functional JOB.
2) No, or easily fixed, format errors.
3) Strikeout jokes aren't overused, image links aren't overpowering, the format is not overbearing - basically, things we know can get an app voted out all by themselves.
Okay, you're not here to hear me ramble. LET'S HAVE FUN, GUYS. HERE IS THE FIRST ROUND OF THE FRUITS OF YOUR EMAILS.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE.. Wow, them's some fast votin's. CLOSED.
Character: Phoenix Wright
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney / Justice For All
Character Age: 25
Job: Camp Defense Attorney
Canon: Objection! Take that! Hold it! If you're not screaming at least
one of these things at your GameBoy, then you're doing it wrong. Phoenix Wright is a
goofy video game about ambiguously gay lawyers and the adventures they have. Marvel
at brilliant character names like Dick Gumshoe and De Killer! Be amazed as the main
rival delivers lines like "Objection! That was . . . objectionable!" And . . . laugh really
freaking hard when Phoenix attempts to cross-examine a puppet. Even though the
[locations and dates] are listed at the beginning of each scene, the
mysteries are rarely ever quite that simple. The game switches from goofy to exciting
and back again faster than you can say "not guilty"; characters include people like goofy
police detectives, poofy rival lawyers, ineffective spirit mediums, and entire circuses.
The game doesn't take itself all that seriously.
Single-minded to a fault, Phoenix Wright is an amateur defense lawyer who regularly
snatches victory from the jaws of defeat. Although often emotional and over-dramatic,
he is first and foremost a sincere young man who honestly believes in the innocence of
his clients, no matter how solid the case against them. Of course, the fact that he always
gets the REALLY DIFFICULT (and always MURDER) cases means that he's constantly
bluffing his way through the tiniest of holes, scraping for every scrap of evidence that
might work in his favor. Stubborn? Oh yeah. He often keeps a sarcastic inner
monologue going even when the going gets tough--or, as is more likely, utterly crazy.
He's equal parts victim to and participant in all the madness that hurricanes around him.
By the end of the second game, Wright presents himself as being a confident,
experienced lawyer . . . Until his spirit medium assistant decides to top him again,
anyway.
Sample Post:
[December 29th, 6:01 PM]
[Camp Fuck U Die]
The defense is ready, Your Honor. . . . The defense also wants to raise an objection
before we start. Safety precautions are important and all, but--the pink flame retardant
suit really isn't necessary. When I say that I'm "Phoenix" Wright, I'm not
actually a flaming bird. Or a flaming anything. The, uh, bodyguards themselves
don't seem to be very helpful either, and their purple color contradicts the swamp setting.
What sort of animal evolves fur that clashes with the setting it's supposed to camouflage
with? Doesn't something like that contradict the theory of evolution?
It's not the only thing that doesn't make sense here. The whole case falls apart if you just
look at it from a different angle. For instance, this autopsy report states that Stephan
Debussey was killed in this very camp--on a date long before any of the
defendants arrived here. They would need a time machine to do the deed! Is the
prosecution insinuating that that kind of thing is even possible? . . . someone here
can build a time machine? Oh. Uh. W-well, that doesn't mean they used it! It
could be. Decorative? Is there something wrong with having a nuclear-powered
Christmas tree?
Even if there were a hypothetical time machine, it's simply not in my clients' characters to
murder an innocent man. I know they've supposedly confessed to all sorts of crimes--
smuggling, genocide, patricide, caticide, arson, excessive tags, public indecency, incest,
cannibalism--but the method of confession was completely ridiculous. How can you trust
a public poll conducted by semi-sentient computers? If they're smart enough to ask the
question, then they're definitely smart to forge the results.
You can't just throw innocent people into a camp and wait for them to be proven guilty.
Keeping them in a place with tentacle rape and dangerous diseases is worse than cruel
and unusual punishment--it's torture! There's no situation where that kind of treatment
could possibly be considered just. I--I can't allow that, not as long as my name's still
Phoenix Wright. I believe in my clients' innocence, and I believe in the truth! All two-
hundred and seventy-three defendants deserve a fair--
. . .
T-two-hundred and seventy-three!?
The. . .the defense requests a recess.
Poll Vote!
Character: Miles Edgeworth
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney / Justice for All
Age: 25
Job: Prosecutor and Representative of Justice(!!1`)
Canon: Phoenix Wright is a video game series for the GBA and NDS, with two games currently available in English for the DS. The player takes the role of rookie defense lawyer Phoenix Wright, who must defend his moronic colorful clients and prove their innocence in a court of law. Cracked-out evidence, faulty testimony, parrots on the witness stand -- it's all in a day's work for Phoenix.
Enter one froofy, not emo really, grumpy prosecutor with what may be the worst streak of bad luck ever, Miles Edgeworth. Rumored to be willing to do anything to seize a guilty verdict -- including fabricating evidence and tampering with witnesses, Edgeworth appears to be cold, calculating, and a force to be reckoned with in court. . . . nevermind that a good deal of his reputation couldn't be any further from the truth. The infamous "demon prosecutor" is also a closet fanboy of the popular children's TV show "The Steel Samurai" and organizes his teabags lovingly next to the model figure in his office. Through it all, Edgeworth tries to maintain a professional air to himself -- even when his witnesses don't quite respond the way he wants them to.
Note: While Edgeworth is being taken from after the second game, the app itself contains no spoilers. Also, the game tends to highlight words when things are submitted to the court record.
Sample Entry:
If the defense is quite finished with wasting our time by attempting to garner over a seventy percent majority, the prosecution is ready to proceed.
But first, allow me to point out that the resources at hand here are less than satisfactory for the prosecution. While it is understandable that this facility is not as contemporary as what I am used to, there were still several difficulties with your troll-like deputies. I had to inform them of the fact that I was not what they so fondly referred to as an "attorney at lol." As serious as the internet may be, I believe we have more important business to attend to.
In regards to the case at hand, 'Madam Director v. Campers of Camp Fuck You Die,' the prosecution has a substantial amount of evidence that will more than speak for itself. At your Honor's approval, I have the murder weapon here to submit to the Court Record. And what was that weapon? It's quite simple: "." Stephan Debussey's life was brought to an abrupt end by these tags; we even have reason to believe that the one that dealt the death blow was entitled, "now that's a sexy image!". The prosecution declines to comment on the irony of this situation.
While the contents and implications of said tag are debatable, the facts still remain. And who is responsible for this tag that brought about Mr. Debussey's untimely demise? The campers, of course. And it is this hard evidence that will bring out the truth of this matter in the court of law, particularly when accompanied by a solid testimony. Ladies and Gentlemen and tiny Tentaclemen of the court, the prosecution has a witness on hand with such a testimony, one that I daresay is damning for the defense. With that said, the prosecution would like to call the witness to the stand.
Witness, please state your name and profession.
. . . No, witness. "Kupo" is not an acceptable answer.
Poll Vote!
Character: Rupert Everett Giles
Series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Character age: 46
Job: Computer Network Analyst
Canon: In each generation there is a girl destined to stand against the forces of darkness, known as the Slayer. And usually accompanying her is a stuffy British gentleman, known as a Watcher. Rupert Giles is Buffy's Watcher, whose job is training her and advising her in matters of the occult, while posing as Sunnydale High's librarian. In his youth, Giles earned the nickname "Ripper" for his dabbling in the dark arts, but has now turned his knowledge to mentoring the Buffy and her friends, becoming a replacement father-figure for Buffy in many ways.
Giles is the English professor stereotype, complete with tweed attire and a penchant for tea. His dry, reserved sense of humor never wavers even in the most dangerous of situations. And he has remarkable patience for the unusual, both arcane-related and those arising from teenage stupidity. However, the one proven conundrum that disrupts his British zen is technology. His awkward distaste for computers, claiming their inferiority to books because "they don't smell," is a superstition he never quite gets over.
Giles is taken from the end of the third season.
Sample Post:
Hello children, my name is Mr. Giles. The director of this, ah, institution, Ms. Sayre, has granted me permission to stay on as an advisor to you all. Although any assistance given in my official capacity may be rather...unhelpful. You see, apparently the only position available to me at the time was your computer-what was it? A web?-Yes, web maintainer. Of course, one would expect marvelous hiring practices of such a place. An Oxford graduate who spent his career studying the undead should end up as some kind of…babysitter for a, er, so-called livejournal. This will be pleasantly akin to pulling teeth... But, rest assured, I am well instructed in many other areas. So if you should need help in identifying the entomology of certain predators trying to consume you, practice in any weaponry from the twelfth to twentieth century, or magical wards to keep the shambling zombies at bay, please seek me out. I am here to help you stay alive. A-as well as help you with computer troubles.
Indeed, I do think the first steps to, well, fixing your computers would be routine exorcisms. I have a basic spell in Aramaic that should at least stop unwanted transmissions. From there on it would simply be a matter of accessing other parts of the network. After all, it's not like the internet was invented for pornography. So the temporary solution would be finding suitable avenues away from whatever...influence this place has. No matter how grammatically unsound Camp Fuck You Die is, it's as obvious in stated intent as naming something a Hellmouth.
Now that I have properly guarded my computer against such dark influences, the only obstacle left to surmount is, ah...the computer itself. Willow did say the search machine was arou-There! And contact with the outside world is established. My, it went immediately to the British Broadcasting page. Although I can't imagine what ninny would shorten Channel Four into 4chan but...
Ah. Oh dear.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hiro Nakamura
Series: Heroes (Wikipedia for series and Hiro)
Character age: 24
Job: Audience/Camper liason
Canon: One day, Hiro Nakamura is going to be an English-speaking, sword-wielding, bona-fide badass. Today, however, is not that day. Today Hiro is an enthusiastic Japanese otaku with a heart of gold and the ability to bend time and space. Like all great heroes who are also Spider-man fans, Hiro knows that with great power comes great responsibility, so he and his best friend Ando are on a mission to save the world. Working with them (though in different places), are a ragtag bunch of other heroes, some known and some unknown. One of them, Peter, gets a visit from the Hiro of the future, who gives him a simple message: save the cheerleader, save the world. Hiro and Ando, after hearing about this from Peter, are looking for her on a roadtrip across America righting wrongs and cheating at gambling. But mainly righting wrongs.
Hiro is earnest, bright, cheerful, and dedicated. He has a strong sense of right and wrong, a dedication to justice, and a genuine and powerful desire to not just save the world, but to save every individual he can, even those who wrong him. He also has a deep appreciation for comic books, video games, geekery in general, and delicious waffles.
Note: the style of Hiro's app is taken from his online blog, where he really does use that translation service and those smiley faces. He is being taken from after the episode "Nowhere to Hide."
Sample post:
{{{(>.<)}}} (o.o) \(^o^)/
In order to become great, every hero must go through long training, mustn't they? In Final Fantasy X, there were the Calm Lands, where Tidus leveled up for many hours. For me, there is Louisiana! I have found a most impressive training camp full of superhero fans like myself! (*o*) Many of them are in character, in diverse roles from protagonists to mindless zombies. I have never seen a LARP as complicated as this before, and I am honored to be allowed to participate in it.
Of course I am using this opportunity to raise my stats. In order to become as powerful as the future self who visited Peter Petrelli, I have decided I must raise my strength and dexterity to be able to use my sword. (^o^)==[=======> Here at the camp, I have managed to get one point of dexterity with the tentacle monster dodging game (it is most complicated-I must admire the ingenuity of the American fans, if not their subject choices) and half a point of strength from roleplaying fights with the gorilla cosplayers. I tried to thank them afterward, but they were very in character and refused to speak to me. (-_-) At least, I hope it was that and not that they could not understand my poor English. I will have to continue practicing until I can speak to everyone! \(^o^)/
Luckily they have also offered me a job here. When I told them that I was a blogger, they explained that they had been looking for someone who could make the audience feel included. I never knew LARPers played to an audience before, but I am glad to be earning money honestly. b(^o^)d So, readers, I ask that you friend the Livejournal community campfuckudie so that you can read and comment on my and others' blog entries there. The cosplayers all have accounts and are most convincingly in character. Long have I wanted to ask my favorite characters what they were thinking at key moments in their development, and the insights of the American fans are most intriguing. Their antagonists especially have much interest to me, although they are so in character they will often become threatening. (v_v) I have already had to run from five of them, but if this continues I am sure to raise my dexterity points again!
I encourage all of you to come and read this blog and tell me and my new friends what we can do to entertain you. I know this is not the heroic quest that I had promised, but until I have raised my stats adequately I think this is the best place for me to be. I have heard that I can even raise my constitution by trying the Tuesday soup! And once I am finished leveling here, I am sure that I will be able to defeat the big boss and save the cheerleader! <(^o^<) (>^o^)>
I only hope she will not be in another castle.
Auto-Translated by: Yamagato Software
Poll Vote!
Character: Marvin
Series: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Character Age: A couple of months, at most.
Job: Backup Loudspeaker
Canon: The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With." Ironically, when the company decided to introduce "Genuine People Personalities" as features in their products, they built the prototype, Marvin, who is neither plastic nor fun to be with. Best described as a "sulking machine," Marvin is a super-intelligent manically depressed robot who trudges around making a big show of just how much effort it takes to move. The robot is not difficult to understand; Marvin openly detests existence and complains endlessly in a very loud fashion about how everyone hates and abuses him, which usually results in everyone hating and abusing him all while trying to politely deny it. Explaining his view of the Universe repeatedly causes spaceships to commit suicide, entire armies of killer robots to loll about sobbing dramatically, a bridge to collapse weeping and other such minor disasters.
Sample Post:
Wretched place, isn't it? Sparkles, a chocolate well, some woman who probably offed her own old man-now there's a lucky bastard, if you ask me. Just my luck she'd want a bunch of people to sit and listen to her complain about how depressed the whole thing makes her. As if that's not bad enough, the entire bloody planet seems to have got stupid enough to forget that it's been demolished to make room for a hyperspace bypass. And to top it all off the Director decides her camp's got to be based in a swamp. Swamps! Don't even talk about them.
Then there are the campers. They think they've got problems. Some of them are still mourning the loss of that Bloody Mary spring-doesn't that just take the cake? Just a load of vodka and tomato juice, rotten stuff really. Can't bear the stuff. I wouldn't drink it if my circuits depended on it. Not that I could drink it if I wanted to. Thank you the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation for never stopping to think maybe I'd like a liver to abuse with disgusting drinks. Not that it'd make me happy, but they could at least be a little considerate.
And those poor fools keep telling me I have to save with one of you "moogles" before I can talk to the football players. Isn't like I want to talk to the football players. I can't stand sports, but there's not much else to do is there? 'Course, I'm not getting anywhere with that either. Every time I talk to a moogle it grabs its head, cries "oh no!" and pop! Dead as dead can be. One after another, like little lemmings. "Oh no," pop! "Oh no," pop! Exactly like you're doing now.
. . . What a stupid little creature that was. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I have to suffer the indignity of mucking about in a swamp watching moogles blow themselves up. Swamps! Don't even talk about them.
But I know what you're all thinking. Won't the bloody robot just get on with his stupid little job and stop bothering us? Why won't he just make his silly little announcement and go so we can get on with our pointless, hormonal lives? Fine, if you really want it done that badly, I'll get on with it. But you won't like it.
ATTENTION CAMPERS: I'M FEELING VERY DEPRESSED. THAT IS ALL.
I suppose you all want to shoot the messenger now. I told you that you wouldn't like it.
Poll Vote!
Character: Meryl Stryfe
Series: Trigun Maximum
Character Age: 23
Job: Claims Agent
Canon: In life there are many paths to take. Meryl's always lead to disaster as she stalks--I'm sorry, TRAILS Vash the Stampede in an attempt to minimize the damage he causes. She is not the average insurance lady. Armed with about a million derringers and a megaphone, Meryl makes it her first priority to alert citizens as to when they're being total and complete idiots, especially when said idiocy causes a rise in insurance claims. She's spunky, loud, and not afraid to get her hands dirty. But under all the fuss and shouting is a lot of heart, and a girl who sincerely does want to protect people. Now, if only she could take her job less seriously.
Sample Post:
Testing! One two! Can everyone hear me?
Attention campers! I am Meryl Stryfe and I am here on behalf of the Bernardelli Insurance Society! This is very important for you all to listen to, so--HEY SHUT UP! I know insurance isn't that exciting but there's no need to groan and moan like that! This is important! Ah. As I was saying.
Campers, whether you know it or not, you are all covered by the head of this facility to the greatest extent our insurance will allow. As such, she has made several large claims on a great majority of those present. However, it's plain to see that several of these claims are fraudulent! I'm not even sure where to start, to be quite honest. She has attempted to collect life insurance on some of you more than a dozen times. Obviously you can all see the glaring flaw in THAT. Honestly! Trying to collect on the same person ten times! Furthermore, there is no way we should be covering your lepers on our health insurance plan, and this oversight is being corrected as we speak. I would also like to be informed as to what a "moogle" is exactly, considering we're paying several of them workers' compensation for on-the-job injuries.
Basically, this entire place is a scam. The Bernardelli Society aside, I have on good authority she claims you all as dependents on her taxes as well. I suggest strongly that you all seek legal action against her in the future.
So, as a representative of the Bernardelli Insurance Society, I have come to inspect all claims made. And I'll be making sure there's no more gross neglect of safety! . . . in both meanings of the word. STOP CHEWING ON EACH OTHER. We've even added a clause to make sure just that kind of thing will no longer be covered under our medical plan! You'd better listen to me, or we're changing your primary care physicians to people very far away. Think of the long drive! The gas costs! Aren't you listening?! I'm threatening you with an HMO!
Character: Meryl Stryfe
Series: Trigun
Age: 23
Job: Insurance Agent
Canon: Meryl is an insurance worker from Trigun. Some of Meryl's characteristics include a notoriously short temper on top of just plain being notoriously short. She constantly chases Vash the Stampede around as a part of her job, verifying claims for the Bernardelli Insurance Society. Her and her friend, Milly Thompson, soon find out the truth about Vash and his distinction. If there's one goal Meryl has, it is to restore and keep order. This is due to Meryl's very straight-laced personality. She is a good person, despite all her nagging and spoiling of other people's fun.
Sample Post:
Attention campers, attention campers!
I need you to stop what you're doing for a moment and listen. So you two in the back, stop playing with that flamethrower. You, over there! Drop whatever it you're eating- Is that a human arm? Gross. Okay, I seem to have your attention now. My name is Meryl Stryfe, and I'm from the Bernardelli Insurance Society. I'm here to compensate you for any and all damages caused by Vash the Stampede.
I'll need you to list the damages. From the looks of it, there have been quite a bit of damages accrued here- I've heard about Nicholas D. Wolfwood's bike Unfortunately, I personally don't give a damn about Wolfwood's bike. Damage number two seems to unanimously be Vash's weird behavior. While I understand this, I cannot simply compensate every poor soul that has been affected by the wrath of this- And if another person calls my hair 'emo', I'm whipping out my derringers! What the hell is emo anyway?
Is that all you people have? Idle threats can't be compensated. I might be wrong, but all of you wouldn't be trying to weasel money out of me? A splinter won't be compensated for thousands of double dollars, even if it did get infected! Ingrown toenails fall into that category as well. I know Vash the Stampede! I've seen this camp. Are you seriously going to tell me that he's not the cause for the wretched state this place is in?! The director, huh? Maybe I should have a talk with this director.
It sounds like this director woman is the Louisiana equivalent of the Humanoid Typhoon. Using my better judgment, I'll make sure to have her petitioned to become mankind's second listed human disaster. The pain and suffering I've seen since coming here should be all the evidence I need. The radioactive lake water, the disgusting food rations, the constant playing of polka music; these are all very valid and very real reasons for this dubious distinction.
That, and I really can't afford to get fired for supposedly not doing my job. Argh, where the hell is Milly when I need her?!
Poll Vote!