(no subject)
I HAVE SPENT ALL DAY IN BED. I. CAN'T REALLY BRING MYSELF TO REGRET IT??
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE closed!
Name: Jirou
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Age: Looks to be in his mid 30s
Job: Massage Therapist
Canon:
Kamen Rider Kiva tells the tale of two generations of fighters, one in 2008 and one in 1986, who protect humanity from Fangire, a monstrous sort of stained glass vampires. They feed on humans, and their supernatural strength makes them almost impossible for any normal human to fight. That leaves defeating them to our not so normal masked heroes, both past and present. And as with most super heroes, they can make it on their own, but do best with the help of their allies. In the case of Kiva, this means a handful of other non-humans who have sworn their lives to help defeat the Fangire.
Jirou is the last of the Wolfens, a werewolf-like species now all but extinct at the hands of the Fangire. Jirou himself feeds on humans, but he is picky about who he eats, mostly due to his obsession with good coffee and the people who drink it. But beyond a good meal, Jirou is searching for a woman to help him repopulate his species. He’s smooth, calm and determined. Once he’s focused on a goal he isn’t easily deterred, occasionally taking things too far in the name of getting what he wants. In order to help keep his monster identity a secret, he and a few other non-humans run a traveling massage parlor.
Sample:
Residents of Camp Fuck You Die, have you been feeling stressed? Nothing can be quite so draining to the mind and body as a summer camp. Don’t fret, I’m here to offer you a solution. Just half an hour and the hardships of your life will melt away under my hands. Don’t be shy, I promise I won’t bite. Much. I just want to get a feel for this place before I set up a more permanent shop. I’ve heard there are all sorts of good opportunities, that the people here need more chances to feel a talented touch. That’s just what I’m here to offer. Step right up, there’s no line.
You there, Madam Gorilla, would you like to come in and be my first... client? In case my sign isn’t clear, I’m giving away free massages. It’s today only, so don’t hesitate. Of course I’ll still work on someone of your kind. I understand better than you know the difficulties of being different. I would have to be some sort of monster not to be sensitive to the needs of potential non-human clients.
Come in and sit, you’re welcome to take off those overalls. It will be more enjoyable the closer I can get to your skin. And don’t worry about the fur, my hands are strong enough to get through that down to the muscles where you need it most. You know, we’re not so different, you and I. Except I’ve never had a tattoo on my lower back. Not even one in support of... “Team Jacob”. I’m not entirely sure who or what- ah, is this part of that vampire story? And what team does that put you on? ... I approve. Any time I can support a werewolf over a vampire, I will. Vampires are a terrible scourge. The world would be a far better place without them. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Let’s not think any more about that. I just want you to relax. Lie back and think of the jungle. Take deep breaths, let your worries float away. I hope you don’t mind me using a bit of oil to make things easier. It’s my special blend, made from the finest coffee. The oils are a powerful stimulant, meant to make you open up and feel the massage with every sense. They also help keep the underlying stench of this place away. Breathe deeply and you can even taste the delicate aroma on your tongue.
I know I can.
Poll So?
Character: Ezio Auditore da Firenze
Series: Assassin’s Creed
Character Age: 29
Job: Camp Assassin
Canon: You may have thought you knew the true story of the Templars-- but you really haven’t heard anything. The defenders of justice that many are familiar with are really just trying to steal free thought from all of mankind to create a new world order based on that obedience. The only thing standing in their way is the Assassins. The Assaissins follow the creed of “nothing is true, everything is permitted” and work to maintain freedom of thought for all of mankind in the face of large scale manipulation by the Templars.
Ezio just so happens to be a really, really important assassin. He is charming, handsome, and aware of it. He’s also recklessly brave, and easily angered by insults to his family’s name, as well as any affronts on a woman’s good honor. But, he is a passionate Italian man. He is a bit of a womanizer, and once had no problems taking life easy and enjoying his family’s fortune and influence,. That changed when he was 17, and his father and brothers were killed by the Templars, forcing him into a conflict he hadn’t even known his family was involved in. Since then, despite all comments to the contrary, Ezio has been controlling a lot of anger and rage towards the Templars. He’s become more calculating, and definitely more cold than he used to, as he continues to seek revenge for his fallen brothers and father, and for his family’s ruined name. But relieving stress isn’t hard when you kill people for a living!
Note: ... Assassin’s Creed II is notorious for fanboy Italian. And major missions in the game, called Beat Up missions, are based around Ezio beating faithfulness into lecherous men and boyfriends alike.
Sample Post:
Ciao bella donna. I would love to chat, but I’ve a few problems that I could certainly use some help with. And it is refreshing to see a living breathing woman, in several ways. Mi sono perso, and while it is a... nice... change of pace to not have to deal with the crowds and noise of the city, this place lacks any signs or roads back to civilization. You’ll have to forgive my not being impressed. If you’d be kind enough to tell me the fastest way back to Venezia, I won’t forget it.
Hm, what’s wrong? Dry your tears. How can I help? This man that troubles you, is he an unfaithful husband? Oh, you’re unmarried... Don’t look so offended! Mi dispiace, I wasn’t calling you old at all. An unfaithful boyfriend then? Say no more. I’ll take care of him. Maybe that figlio di puttana will think before he cheats. His name is... strange, to say the least, but I will find him. Don’t worry yourself over this matter anymore, I’ll make sure that he regrets every action he has taken against you. And once this is finished, you can tell me the way to Venezia, and that will be payment enough. Now, if you could tell me where he is hiding... And it doesn’t matter how unique this man appears, I will find him.
Now... If this man is as unique as she said, he shouldn’t be difficult to find. I should have gotten the name of this place before we parted. Merda... Perhaps I’ll find a sign on the way, then. But for now, I should be focusing on this man with a strange name, “Marcy.”. He’s large, and he prefers to be on top, as she said. Can’t be difficult to find, if she said any man would recognize him on sight.
Strange that she’d be so insistent on that. Many men cannot recognize another on sight-- what is that? And why is no one afraid of it?! Have people really become this desensitized? You would think that they would run in fear from a giant... octopus? Really, what is that thing? Che cazzo? Even an idiot would notice it.
There’s a sign in front of it, as well! ‘Camp Fuck U Die and Marcy...’ So that is her unfaithful boyfriend?! Suddenly, I’m beginning to understand why she was unmarried... And why her boyfriend was unfaithful.
Poll So?
Character: Dr. John Watson
Series: Sherlock (2010)
Character Age: Late thirties
Job: Instructor in the Therapeutic Power of Blogging
Canon: In this modern retelling, we meet Dr. John Watson as he is trying to pull his life back together after returning from the war in Afghanistan. While searching for a place to live, John is introduced to Sherlock Holmes, the world's only consulting detective and likely one of the most difficult flatmates you could find. Happily, Sherlock is exactly what John needs, and the two begin working with each other to solve cases.
After returning to civilian life due to an injury, John finds himself missing the action that he used to see in the war. John feels like his life at home is meaningless and empty, until he meets Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock can give John something that no one else can, a return to the action that he misses desperately. John's blog, began on the urging of his therapist, reflects this change. No longer are his entries empty of information, but now filled with case details and reflections on living with Sherlock and his oddities. John is constantly fascinated and amazed by Sherlock's deductive skills, but will wield sarcasm as a means of calling him out on his poor behavior and attitude. All in all, John is the practical one in this relationship; he is a thoroughly solid, dependable, and capable person . . . despite his tendency to drop everything for the excitement of another investigation.
Sample Entry:
20th August - A Study in . . . Green?
Zombies. I still can't believe it. When I woke this morning, I didn't expect to find myself in the middle of a horror film before the day let out. It's a pretty sad excuse for one, too. I thought that zombies were supposed to be dangerous, what with attacking and eating any humans in their path. Well, while these zombies do seem to be after brains, watching them go after people is a bit sad. I mean, someone limping on an injured leg could outrun them. Even if they do get close enough to attack, they're usually in such poor shape that it doesn't take much to fight them off. A well placed shove can send them to pieces. I should be grateful that the zombie apocalypse has turned out to be more of an awful comedy instead of a real threat, but part of me can't help but be disappointed. Zombies, purple gorillas, and tentacle monsters should liven the place up a bit, but I've seen more action helping solve crimes in London than I think I'll ever see here. I wonder what Sherlock would make of it all?
Update: Sorry everyone, I didn't expect a brand new counselor's blog to take off this fast and have so many readers on the first day. I didn't mean to touch a sore spot with my . . . zombie readers. Guess even zombies have to break from looking for brains every once in a while. Anyway, I thought it would be better to address this quickly here instead of responding to all 9000 of you (do we really have more than 9000 zombies in camp? Are we counting body parts separately?). First off, I didn't mean to imply that any of you were not fulfilling the terms of your contracts. There have to be campers out there that are completely terrified of you, I'm sure. Threatening to sue me for libel isn't going to do you much good; I don't think the opinion of one blogger will have that much of a negative impact on your image. For those of you who threatened to try harder, well, maybe you should? Not that I'm encouraging you to come after my brain, just to be clear about that.
And for everyone "shouting" in all caps at me to get off the computer and do my job, sorry but I am doing it. I'm here as an instructor in the therapeutic power of blogging, which is actually pretty ironic. I've never been the best patient and thought this blog thing was a bit rubbish for a while, but my therapist kept pushing it on me. Something about how writing a blog about my everyday life would help me adjust. Well, all I've managed to do with it here is alienate a large part of my reader base on the first day. Not off to a great start, am I? But blogging is easy enough to do, as long as there's something happening in your life.
. . . sorry, make that easy enough for those of us with thumbs.
Poll So?
Character name: Eric Northman
Series: True Blood
Age: Over a thousand, appears to be in his thirties
Job: UST Resolution Counselor
Canon: For thousands of years, vampires lived in secrecy, but not anymore. Now they’re out, about, and proud of it! The thing they want most is equal rights, and who should deny them? They aren’t that different, are they? Sookie Stackhouse, a twenty-something telepath in a small town in Louisiana starts to see the truth of this after she meets vampire Bill Compton, and she’s brought into the wild world of vampires. And it is pretty wild, what with all the sex, drugs, murder, and … well, a lot more sex.
On her wild ride, Sookie is brought to Fangtasia, a vampire night club so she can seek out information. There, she meets its owner, Eric Northman, who’s the sheriff and protector of the area (area 5). Eric is condescending and a bit of an asshole right off, and he almost behaves like a stereotypical vampire. He’s crude, perverse, and sadistic. He’s manipulative and always has a plan in mind, one that will probably remove him from any harm (and those he cares about, not that he makes it obvious that these individuals exist). But in approaching others when he wants something, he can smooth talk with the best of them, use black humor and be blunt one second, while pulling back and being polite the next. Eric tends to dominate situations with a good amount of introduced sexual tension, and he always wears the face someone wants. After all, he’s a vampire, these things are easy for him; then again, that doesn’t explain his strange attachment to Sookie or how he cares for others, but no one ever said he can’t be contradictory. He probably likes it that way.
Sample Entry:
Hello, Elizabeth.
It has been a while, hasn’t it? Since your surprising removal from Louisiana, it’s been some time since I’ve heard from you. I would have hoped that you would write, or even consider relocating back there. There was a time in which … I believed us to be associates, but you’ve left and chosen to live in the middle of nowhere. I know, I know. There are few differences between swamp life in Louisiana and the Midwest, but the place that you inhabited-or should I say conquered? That would be more appropriate, wouldn’t it? As it is … it was one of the few interesting attractions near my home. And the vampires who frequented Fangtasia … well, let’s just say they were glad for the many individuals who left your camp, seeking shelter and looking for the way home. They really thought themselves safe when they stumbled upon my establishment; after all, they were finally released from your special brand of hell. Now that you’ve moved, we’re left with only … willing visitors, who seek us because of our reputation, and that takes the fun out of things, doesn’t it?
But now I’ve received this … rather surprising invitation, Elizabeth. You know how important my home is to me, but you’ve still brought me here against my will. I understand that things have grown quite dry around here. Without a true adversary, what can you do? In the end, we all turn to sex, don’t we? I must advise you. You’ll find yourself with quite the predicament, though. Despite your very high opinion of my talents when it comes to others, I don’t believe I can provide the … resolution you are suggesting here for your captives. Sure, it might be fun for a while but … in the end, it will only make them all the more frustrated. I know you love to see others squirm, but this may only work against your long-term goals of what I believe must be absolute subservience.
I must add that, despite how flattering this is, I also do not appreciate being forced to perform as one of your many pack mules without permission. We once had a respectful relationship, after all. I allowed you to continue your experimentation within my area, and you provided me with … ah, well, why beat around the bush any longer? You fed me, and it was a very mutual relationship. I scratch your back and your scratch mine. But that’s changed. You’ve decided to be more ambitious. And you’ve decided to include me in this ride.
I must assure you, regardless, that I have no intentions of bringing you harm. We are old friends, aren’t we? Two people who … are very similar, in some ways; we have both been wronged in our past, and we both have continued in spite of it. Ah, so people might consider us cold. Who cares? We both do what we must do.
So if I must be involved, I am glad it would be at this stage in the plans. You are giving me free reign with this position, and I suspect that means that I must resolve things in my own way. But in the end, I must point something out to you … are you feeling secure with yourself now, Elizabeth? Does Stephan please you? Or are my suspicions true: was I only brought here as a test? And if so, you should consider your impulse control, but I suppose you can’t help it, the silly human that you are. Just know next time that you need only ask for my company. That is all.
Poll So?
Name: Parker
Series: Leverage
Age: Probably older than 21, maybe younger than 25
Job: Children’s Activities Coordinator
Canon: Everyone loves a good Robin Hood story. One guy sticks up for the little guys with less-than-legal tactics, the jerks get their just desserts and the oppressed and underrepresented succeed. Now, imagine instead of having one guy, you have five: the mastermind, the grifter, the hacker, the muscle, and the thief. All have distinct personalities and and backgrounds, but somehow they always manage to con their marks and worm their way into the hearts of the people they help. This is Leverage: a modern and clever take on a centuries-old concept that never seems to get boring.
Parker is the thief in that line up. She's brilliant when it comes to stealing, often breaking into the world's toughest vaults because she gets bored. It’s an understatement to say she doesn’t think in the same way as her teammates. She doesn’t pick up on social clues or appropriateness, and as such tends to say whatever comes to mind with little regard to whom she’s speaking. Leave her alone with children and she's just as likely to teach them how pick locks in speed trials as empathize with their tragic histories, despite never knowing how to address them. Parker occasionally drops in a pop culture reference, gleaned from the amalgam of experiences she's had in her life. Raised in a slew of abusive foster homes, Parker's sense of right and wrong is tilted, but once she latches onto a moral concept, she hardly wavers. Note: Parker hates horses.
Sample Post:
Okay, you little buggers, I’m the children’s activities coordinator for this place, and I’ve been instructed by this piece of paper on this clipboard to coordinate your activities. First activity! Story time with Parker. Today, we’re reading The Wizard of Oz: Abridged and Illustrated. Yaaaaay pictures! But first, the ground rules: no talking, wiggling, or hair-pulling. No singing, dancing, or pony rides. Especially not the pony rides. No flamethrowers, embalming liquid, or coconuts, and for the love of Pete, no interrupting! Are we clear? Good. First person to break these rules has to pick six different padlocks in under a minute, and keep doing it until you can get it, Capisce? C’mon, it’s not that bad! Child’s play!
Now that’s taken care of, let’s start. Okay, first page, Dorothy’s sad, yadda-yadda-yadda. Are these her romantic options? If I had to choose between these three farmhands, I’d go “over the rainbow” too, if you catch my drift. It means that given the choice between these three men, I’d avoid it altogether and make out with Auntie Em. Except ew, because she’d be related to me AND totally old. That Uncle Henry is kind of sweet, though. Anyway, here’s Ms. Gulch trying to steal Dorothy’s dog. I never understood why Dorothy just didn’t slash her tires on that stupid bike. It was made in like, what, 1900? Can’t be that hard. Just get a switchblade and shrip, done. That would teach her to mess with Toto.
Are we only on the third page? Really? Fine, I’ll keep reading but-Hey! Hey, what did I say about embalming fluid and flamethrowers? Put it away, Jimmy. That’s for later. And no, I don’t really care that your name’s not Jimmy, you still have to work on the locks. I want to see some focus here, people! You, the-uh, shifty-eyed girly with the noodly arms and starved chicken look, you keep time for him and make sure he doesn’t cheat. And keep it down, I’m reading. So, Dorothy goes to visit a creepy old grifter who swindles people by reading their fortunes, but he’s really bad at it. Spoilers, kids! He’s the wizard and he’s not really a wizard, just a third-rate conman. Cool story, bro.
This book blows. Who wants to hear about the time I stole the Emperor’s new clothes?
Poll So?
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE closed!
Name: Jirou
Series: Kamen Rider Kiva
Age: Looks to be in his mid 30s
Job: Massage Therapist
Canon:
Kamen Rider Kiva tells the tale of two generations of fighters, one in 2008 and one in 1986, who protect humanity from Fangire, a monstrous sort of stained glass vampires. They feed on humans, and their supernatural strength makes them almost impossible for any normal human to fight. That leaves defeating them to our not so normal masked heroes, both past and present. And as with most super heroes, they can make it on their own, but do best with the help of their allies. In the case of Kiva, this means a handful of other non-humans who have sworn their lives to help defeat the Fangire.
Jirou is the last of the Wolfens, a werewolf-like species now all but extinct at the hands of the Fangire. Jirou himself feeds on humans, but he is picky about who he eats, mostly due to his obsession with good coffee and the people who drink it. But beyond a good meal, Jirou is searching for a woman to help him repopulate his species. He’s smooth, calm and determined. Once he’s focused on a goal he isn’t easily deterred, occasionally taking things too far in the name of getting what he wants. In order to help keep his monster identity a secret, he and a few other non-humans run a traveling massage parlor.
Sample:
Residents of Camp Fuck You Die, have you been feeling stressed? Nothing can be quite so draining to the mind and body as a summer camp. Don’t fret, I’m here to offer you a solution. Just half an hour and the hardships of your life will melt away under my hands. Don’t be shy, I promise I won’t bite. Much. I just want to get a feel for this place before I set up a more permanent shop. I’ve heard there are all sorts of good opportunities, that the people here need more chances to feel a talented touch. That’s just what I’m here to offer. Step right up, there’s no line.
You there, Madam Gorilla, would you like to come in and be my first... client? In case my sign isn’t clear, I’m giving away free massages. It’s today only, so don’t hesitate. Of course I’ll still work on someone of your kind. I understand better than you know the difficulties of being different. I would have to be some sort of monster not to be sensitive to the needs of potential non-human clients.
Come in and sit, you’re welcome to take off those overalls. It will be more enjoyable the closer I can get to your skin. And don’t worry about the fur, my hands are strong enough to get through that down to the muscles where you need it most. You know, we’re not so different, you and I. Except I’ve never had a tattoo on my lower back. Not even one in support of... “Team Jacob”. I’m not entirely sure who or what- ah, is this part of that vampire story? And what team does that put you on? ... I approve. Any time I can support a werewolf over a vampire, I will. Vampires are a terrible scourge. The world would be a far better place without them. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Let’s not think any more about that. I just want you to relax. Lie back and think of the jungle. Take deep breaths, let your worries float away. I hope you don’t mind me using a bit of oil to make things easier. It’s my special blend, made from the finest coffee. The oils are a powerful stimulant, meant to make you open up and feel the massage with every sense. They also help keep the underlying stench of this place away. Breathe deeply and you can even taste the delicate aroma on your tongue.
I know I can.
Poll So?
Character: Ezio Auditore da Firenze
Series: Assassin’s Creed
Character Age: 29
Job: Camp Assassin
Canon: You may have thought you knew the true story of the Templars-- but you really haven’t heard anything. The defenders of justice that many are familiar with are really just trying to steal free thought from all of mankind to create a new world order based on that obedience. The only thing standing in their way is the Assassins. The Assaissins follow the creed of “nothing is true, everything is permitted” and work to maintain freedom of thought for all of mankind in the face of large scale manipulation by the Templars.
Ezio just so happens to be a really, really important assassin. He is charming, handsome, and aware of it. He’s also recklessly brave, and easily angered by insults to his family’s name, as well as any affronts on a woman’s good honor. But, he is a passionate Italian man. He is a bit of a womanizer, and once had no problems taking life easy and enjoying his family’s fortune and influence,. That changed when he was 17, and his father and brothers were killed by the Templars, forcing him into a conflict he hadn’t even known his family was involved in. Since then, despite all comments to the contrary, Ezio has been controlling a lot of anger and rage towards the Templars. He’s become more calculating, and definitely more cold than he used to, as he continues to seek revenge for his fallen brothers and father, and for his family’s ruined name. But relieving stress isn’t hard when you kill people for a living!
Note: ... Assassin’s Creed II is notorious for fanboy Italian. And major missions in the game, called Beat Up missions, are based around Ezio beating faithfulness into lecherous men and boyfriends alike.
Sample Post:
Ciao bella donna. I would love to chat, but I’ve a few problems that I could certainly use some help with. And it is refreshing to see a living breathing woman, in several ways. Mi sono perso, and while it is a... nice... change of pace to not have to deal with the crowds and noise of the city, this place lacks any signs or roads back to civilization. You’ll have to forgive my not being impressed. If you’d be kind enough to tell me the fastest way back to Venezia, I won’t forget it.
Hm, what’s wrong? Dry your tears. How can I help? This man that troubles you, is he an unfaithful husband? Oh, you’re unmarried... Don’t look so offended! Mi dispiace, I wasn’t calling you old at all. An unfaithful boyfriend then? Say no more. I’ll take care of him. Maybe that figlio di puttana will think before he cheats. His name is... strange, to say the least, but I will find him. Don’t worry yourself over this matter anymore, I’ll make sure that he regrets every action he has taken against you. And once this is finished, you can tell me the way to Venezia, and that will be payment enough. Now, if you could tell me where he is hiding... And it doesn’t matter how unique this man appears, I will find him.
Now... If this man is as unique as she said, he shouldn’t be difficult to find. I should have gotten the name of this place before we parted. Merda... Perhaps I’ll find a sign on the way, then. But for now, I should be focusing on this man with a strange name, “Marcy.”. He’s large, and he prefers to be on top, as she said. Can’t be difficult to find, if she said any man would recognize him on sight.
Strange that she’d be so insistent on that. Many men cannot recognize another on sight-- what is that? And why is no one afraid of it?! Have people really become this desensitized? You would think that they would run in fear from a giant... octopus? Really, what is that thing? Che cazzo? Even an idiot would notice it.
There’s a sign in front of it, as well! ‘Camp Fuck U Die and Marcy...’ So that is her unfaithful boyfriend?! Suddenly, I’m beginning to understand why she was unmarried... And why her boyfriend was unfaithful.
Poll So?
Character: Dr. John Watson
Series: Sherlock (2010)
Character Age: Late thirties
Job: Instructor in the Therapeutic Power of Blogging
Canon: In this modern retelling, we meet Dr. John Watson as he is trying to pull his life back together after returning from the war in Afghanistan. While searching for a place to live, John is introduced to Sherlock Holmes, the world's only consulting detective and likely one of the most difficult flatmates you could find. Happily, Sherlock is exactly what John needs, and the two begin working with each other to solve cases.
After returning to civilian life due to an injury, John finds himself missing the action that he used to see in the war. John feels like his life at home is meaningless and empty, until he meets Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock can give John something that no one else can, a return to the action that he misses desperately. John's blog, began on the urging of his therapist, reflects this change. No longer are his entries empty of information, but now filled with case details and reflections on living with Sherlock and his oddities. John is constantly fascinated and amazed by Sherlock's deductive skills, but will wield sarcasm as a means of calling him out on his poor behavior and attitude. All in all, John is the practical one in this relationship; he is a thoroughly solid, dependable, and capable person . . . despite his tendency to drop everything for the excitement of another investigation.
Sample Entry:
20th August - A Study in . . . Green?
Zombies. I still can't believe it. When I woke this morning, I didn't expect to find myself in the middle of a horror film before the day let out. It's a pretty sad excuse for one, too. I thought that zombies were supposed to be dangerous, what with attacking and eating any humans in their path. Well, while these zombies do seem to be after brains, watching them go after people is a bit sad. I mean, someone limping on an injured leg could outrun them. Even if they do get close enough to attack, they're usually in such poor shape that it doesn't take much to fight them off. A well placed shove can send them to pieces. I should be grateful that the zombie apocalypse has turned out to be more of an awful comedy instead of a real threat, but part of me can't help but be disappointed. Zombies, purple gorillas, and tentacle monsters should liven the place up a bit, but I've seen more action helping solve crimes in London than I think I'll ever see here. I wonder what Sherlock would make of it all?
Update: Sorry everyone, I didn't expect a brand new counselor's blog to take off this fast and have so many readers on the first day. I didn't mean to touch a sore spot with my . . . zombie readers. Guess even zombies have to break from looking for brains every once in a while. Anyway, I thought it would be better to address this quickly here instead of responding to all 9000 of you (do we really have more than 9000 zombies in camp? Are we counting body parts separately?). First off, I didn't mean to imply that any of you were not fulfilling the terms of your contracts. There have to be campers out there that are completely terrified of you, I'm sure. Threatening to sue me for libel isn't going to do you much good; I don't think the opinion of one blogger will have that much of a negative impact on your image. For those of you who threatened to try harder, well, maybe you should? Not that I'm encouraging you to come after my brain, just to be clear about that.
And for everyone "shouting" in all caps at me to get off the computer and do my job, sorry but I am doing it. I'm here as an instructor in the therapeutic power of blogging, which is actually pretty ironic. I've never been the best patient and thought this blog thing was a bit rubbish for a while, but my therapist kept pushing it on me. Something about how writing a blog about my everyday life would help me adjust. Well, all I've managed to do with it here is alienate a large part of my reader base on the first day. Not off to a great start, am I? But blogging is easy enough to do, as long as there's something happening in your life.
. . . sorry, make that easy enough for those of us with thumbs.
Poll So?
Character name: Eric Northman
Series: True Blood
Age: Over a thousand, appears to be in his thirties
Job: UST Resolution Counselor
Canon: For thousands of years, vampires lived in secrecy, but not anymore. Now they’re out, about, and proud of it! The thing they want most is equal rights, and who should deny them? They aren’t that different, are they? Sookie Stackhouse, a twenty-something telepath in a small town in Louisiana starts to see the truth of this after she meets vampire Bill Compton, and she’s brought into the wild world of vampires. And it is pretty wild, what with all the sex, drugs, murder, and … well, a lot more sex.
On her wild ride, Sookie is brought to Fangtasia, a vampire night club so she can seek out information. There, she meets its owner, Eric Northman, who’s the sheriff and protector of the area (area 5). Eric is condescending and a bit of an asshole right off, and he almost behaves like a stereotypical vampire. He’s crude, perverse, and sadistic. He’s manipulative and always has a plan in mind, one that will probably remove him from any harm (and those he cares about, not that he makes it obvious that these individuals exist). But in approaching others when he wants something, he can smooth talk with the best of them, use black humor and be blunt one second, while pulling back and being polite the next. Eric tends to dominate situations with a good amount of introduced sexual tension, and he always wears the face someone wants. After all, he’s a vampire, these things are easy for him; then again, that doesn’t explain his strange attachment to Sookie or how he cares for others, but no one ever said he can’t be contradictory. He probably likes it that way.
Sample Entry:
Hello, Elizabeth.
It has been a while, hasn’t it? Since your surprising removal from Louisiana, it’s been some time since I’ve heard from you. I would have hoped that you would write, or even consider relocating back there. There was a time in which … I believed us to be associates, but you’ve left and chosen to live in the middle of nowhere. I know, I know. There are few differences between swamp life in Louisiana and the Midwest, but the place that you inhabited-or should I say conquered? That would be more appropriate, wouldn’t it? As it is … it was one of the few interesting attractions near my home. And the vampires who frequented Fangtasia … well, let’s just say they were glad for the many individuals who left your camp, seeking shelter and looking for the way home. They really thought themselves safe when they stumbled upon my establishment; after all, they were finally released from your special brand of hell. Now that you’ve moved, we’re left with only … willing visitors, who seek us because of our reputation, and that takes the fun out of things, doesn’t it?
But now I’ve received this … rather surprising invitation, Elizabeth. You know how important my home is to me, but you’ve still brought me here against my will. I understand that things have grown quite dry around here. Without a true adversary, what can you do? In the end, we all turn to sex, don’t we? I must advise you. You’ll find yourself with quite the predicament, though. Despite your very high opinion of my talents when it comes to others, I don’t believe I can provide the … resolution you are suggesting here for your captives. Sure, it might be fun for a while but … in the end, it will only make them all the more frustrated. I know you love to see others squirm, but this may only work against your long-term goals of what I believe must be absolute subservience.
I must add that, despite how flattering this is, I also do not appreciate being forced to perform as one of your many pack mules without permission. We once had a respectful relationship, after all. I allowed you to continue your experimentation within my area, and you provided me with … ah, well, why beat around the bush any longer? You fed me, and it was a very mutual relationship. I scratch your back and your scratch mine. But that’s changed. You’ve decided to be more ambitious. And you’ve decided to include me in this ride.
I must assure you, regardless, that I have no intentions of bringing you harm. We are old friends, aren’t we? Two people who … are very similar, in some ways; we have both been wronged in our past, and we both have continued in spite of it. Ah, so people might consider us cold. Who cares? We both do what we must do.
So if I must be involved, I am glad it would be at this stage in the plans. You are giving me free reign with this position, and I suspect that means that I must resolve things in my own way. But in the end, I must point something out to you … are you feeling secure with yourself now, Elizabeth? Does Stephan please you? Or are my suspicions true: was I only brought here as a test? And if so, you should consider your impulse control, but I suppose you can’t help it, the silly human that you are. Just know next time that you need only ask for my company. That is all.
Poll So?
Name: Parker
Series: Leverage
Age: Probably older than 21, maybe younger than 25
Job: Children’s Activities Coordinator
Canon: Everyone loves a good Robin Hood story. One guy sticks up for the little guys with less-than-legal tactics, the jerks get their just desserts and the oppressed and underrepresented succeed. Now, imagine instead of having one guy, you have five: the mastermind, the grifter, the hacker, the muscle, and the thief. All have distinct personalities and and backgrounds, but somehow they always manage to con their marks and worm their way into the hearts of the people they help. This is Leverage: a modern and clever take on a centuries-old concept that never seems to get boring.
Parker is the thief in that line up. She's brilliant when it comes to stealing, often breaking into the world's toughest vaults because she gets bored. It’s an understatement to say she doesn’t think in the same way as her teammates. She doesn’t pick up on social clues or appropriateness, and as such tends to say whatever comes to mind with little regard to whom she’s speaking. Leave her alone with children and she's just as likely to teach them how pick locks in speed trials as empathize with their tragic histories, despite never knowing how to address them. Parker occasionally drops in a pop culture reference, gleaned from the amalgam of experiences she's had in her life. Raised in a slew of abusive foster homes, Parker's sense of right and wrong is tilted, but once she latches onto a moral concept, she hardly wavers. Note: Parker hates horses.
Sample Post:
Okay, you little buggers, I’m the children’s activities coordinator for this place, and I’ve been instructed by this piece of paper on this clipboard to coordinate your activities. First activity! Story time with Parker. Today, we’re reading The Wizard of Oz: Abridged and Illustrated. Yaaaaay pictures! But first, the ground rules: no talking, wiggling, or hair-pulling. No singing, dancing, or pony rides. Especially not the pony rides. No flamethrowers, embalming liquid, or coconuts, and for the love of Pete, no interrupting! Are we clear? Good. First person to break these rules has to pick six different padlocks in under a minute, and keep doing it until you can get it, Capisce? C’mon, it’s not that bad! Child’s play!
Now that’s taken care of, let’s start. Okay, first page, Dorothy’s sad, yadda-yadda-yadda. Are these her romantic options? If I had to choose between these three farmhands, I’d go “over the rainbow” too, if you catch my drift. It means that given the choice between these three men, I’d avoid it altogether and make out with Auntie Em. Except ew, because she’d be related to me AND totally old. That Uncle Henry is kind of sweet, though. Anyway, here’s Ms. Gulch trying to steal Dorothy’s dog. I never understood why Dorothy just didn’t slash her tires on that stupid bike. It was made in like, what, 1900? Can’t be that hard. Just get a switchblade and shrip, done. That would teach her to mess with Toto.
Are we only on the third page? Really? Fine, I’ll keep reading but-Hey! Hey, what did I say about embalming fluid and flamethrowers? Put it away, Jimmy. That’s for later. And no, I don’t really care that your name’s not Jimmy, you still have to work on the locks. I want to see some focus here, people! You, the-uh, shifty-eyed girly with the noodly arms and starved chicken look, you keep time for him and make sure he doesn’t cheat. And keep it down, I’m reading. So, Dorothy goes to visit a creepy old grifter who swindles people by reading their fortunes, but he’s really bad at it. Spoilers, kids! He’s the wizard and he’s not really a wizard, just a third-rate conman. Cool story, bro.
This book blows. Who wants to hear about the time I stole the Emperor’s new clothes?
Poll So?