(no subject)
I would call this an early morning round, except it's already the afternoon on the east coast. Whatevia! There's a dup at the end of my batch. ♥
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- Obligatory reminder to not discuss apps in the main chan goes here.
- BE COOL, guys. ):
- I wonder if people actually read these "Remember!" things.
- I want a pony.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Roxanne "Roxie” Richter
Series: Scott Pilgrim
Age: early ‘20s
Job: Relationship Therapist
Canon: This is the tale of an irresponsible twentysomething named Scott Pilgrim, who is forced to clean up his act and start acting his age in order to win the heart of Ramona Flowers, the girl of his dreams. He faces obstacles like getting a job, accepting the consequences of his own actions, and oh, right, defeating seven superpowered Evil Exes who have formed an honest-to-goodness League dedicated to making sure nobody dates said girl, under penalty of death. Yeah. That complicates matters a bit.
Amazingly, "I dated a girl in college and she dumped me so she can never love anyone ever again OR I’LL KILL THEM” is just a taste of the chip on her shoulder that Roxie Richter, the 4th Evil Ex, possesses. A half-ninja with all the speed, stealth, and skills with a sword the title implies, Roxie is a tightly-wound ball of issues who is prone to getting angry and defensive about topics including but not limited to her abilities, being called an "evil ex-boyfriend,” and, of course, the nature of her failed relationship with Ramona. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Roxie really does think that she’s the one who's doing the right thing (and has the conspiracy theories to prove it), but really she’s just a girl with a katana, a poorly-disguised inferiority complex, and a whole lot of anger issues to work through.
Also, she really, really sucks at coming up with insults and/or competent threats. This doesn’t stop her from trying (or trying to act like they never happened after they inevitably fail to land).
Sample Post:
"Hello, campers! My name’s Roxanne and from now on, I’m your go-to guy for any and all problems with that special someone or something you’re head-over-heels in love with. When it comes to what to do or what not to do in relationships, I’m pretty much an expert, so feel free to ask me about..."
Are you kidding me? "Anything you might ‘be-curious’ about?” Wow, that’s just hilarious. First of all, I’m not a guy, thanks. And second, if this prepared statement is just going to turn into bad sexuality puns designed to piss me off then I’m not reading any more of it! You think I don’t see that you put the word "experimenting” down here in slightly bigger font? I see the bigger font! And don’t think I didn’t notice that I’m not even delivering this to actual campers, either! Nice try, Director, but when half of the class eats the introduction forms I had to pass out I sort of got the hint that this is just one big joke at my expense. Believe me, if I didn’t have college loans and property damage bills to pay off I wouldn’t even be here right now.
... okay, fine. I’ll listen to all of your stupid problems and then I’ll say "wow, that’s awful, but consider this a new beginning” or something equally lame if you're that desperate, but let me just save you all some time; don’t bother, it won’t work out. You’ll give your heart to them and they’ll kinda love you back, but then they’ll start acting distant and talking to a bunch of guys who clearly only want to sleep with them, and soon you’ve put half of the campus football team in the hospital and suddenly she -- they act like you’re out of line! So they dump you for loving them too much, and just to add insult to injury they give you back the mixtape you spent eight hours making for them! So give it up. Nobody loves you, nobody believes in you, it’s just you, your mixtape, and a carton of French Vanilla. Forever.
Oh, did I hit a nerve? Obviously I'm the bad guy for telling you the truth, right? Well, bring it on! This katana isn't just for show, y’know, and if you creeps can't keep your hands to yourselves then I'm gonna take your hands for myself!
... oh, stop groaning, dammit, just forget I even said that, okay? And don't even think about begging me to stop, either, because I don't have to put on the red light.
Poll Vote!
Character: Yaguruma Sou
Series: Kamen Rider Kabuto
Age: 24
Job: Trash Collector
Canon: Seven years ago, a meteor fell into Shibuya carrying an alien race, known as "Worms," that began to terrorize the populous of Tokyo. These creatures can only be (effectively) defeated by using the Rider System - a system created by the mysterious corporation ZECT. ZECT has its own Rider, known as TheBee, a role once filled by the originally capable Yaguruma Sou. This man was responsible, well-respected, and once spoke of teamwork and “Perfect Harmony.” However, after a continuous string of mishaps (and being one-upped by the hero of the series) that led to him falling from grace, Yaguruma snapped and lost it. After further humiliation and frustration at the hands of ZECT itself - as he was no longer useful to them - his psyche finally crumbled and he went offscreen for a good fifteen episodes to go crazy or whatever happened to him. Kabuto fails in the Cohesive Sense department, much like Yaguruma himself.
After becoming a walking pile of preteen goth poetry, Yaguruma no longer speaks of positive things, such as working together in harmony and trying his best to fight for good. Instead, he randomly gets into fights, interrupts things for no reason other to tell people he's jealous of their nice emotions, and generally sulks around in his trenchcoat. Damned from reaching for "the light," he's happy to let you know how jealous he is that you can seek it; he's the dirt under the world's shoe. It's okay to laugh at Yaguruma, because he knows you are. Except that most of the time, he directly contradicts himself in both words and actions, so if you did laugh at him, he'll get pretty angry and try to destroy you. Don't expect anything nice or logical out of him - unless you’re human waste like he is, in which case he’ll adopt you.
For the purpose of this app, the Japanese garbage-sorting system involves garbage being sorted into burnables (ie. paper, food), non-burnables, recyclables, and metals.
Sample Entry:
I envy you.
It must be nice, being able to walk around in the sun so freely. Your eyes have long since rotted, but you can still see how brilliant it is. Yet, wasn't it the brightness of the sunlight that destroyed your eyes in the first place? Or was it because trash like you shouldn't have been out in the sun? Probably not, considering your stench... like true garbage, the stench of rotting meat and being tossed aside. That's how the world punishes people like us; no matter how hard we try, it will only kick us to the ground where we belong.
That's why we end up in this place, don't we? Everyone is trapped, being punished with physical and mental manipulation at the will of that Director. "Camp Fucking Logic, How Does it Work?" Such a mouthful of a name, but names like this reflect how dirty it is. It's different from the Hell that I saw, but the screams of "no, Frank, no!" echoing across the fields at night... the pain and the darkness is the same. I'm sure he's waiting, ready to punish those who... ah, what did the Director say? Break "Rule 404?"
Even still, I have to clean up his garbage, too. Will he hurt me and humiliate me, even if I’m an employee of this unique Hell? Of course - because I’m pathetic and rotten, completely non-recyclable and worthless, just like what gets put into these bags for disposal. I didn't take this job willingly, you know; I told that Director woman, this job is too good for me. But I'm doing it anyways, because sometimes I find trash like yourself - which then becomes my treasure. Pieces of garbage need to stick together. Why be alone as you drag yourself across the ground? And besides, this soil, smeared with cow pies and the fallen lacy clothing from that perverted tree... it's hard to look up at the blinding light like this, with so much corn in the way. But that's what makes it so perfect - it blocks out that bright light that we can no longer reach. Those fearsome UV rays mean nothing to us who walk in the shadows... oh, you have a question? "Cool story, bro?" Ah, such kind lies. I forgot what it was like to be praised, but those words can't reach me anymore. Nice things like that aren't good for me; they're the trans fats and parasites that make me ill.
Come on, let's walk together; if you seek the darkness, you could become my little brother, and we could both be the worst pieces of trash in this place. But remember, this isn't a nice thing. We can't be together forever, you know - the world's not kind and fair like that. No, we can clump together like the trash in these bags, but eventually we'll be separated into burnables, plastics, and metals... or rather, just burnables, as plastics and metals can be recycled. Unless it's the special day for paper recycling, in which case... but this is America, isn't it. I suppose in this situation, we're closer to a piece of toilet paper - to be used briefly and tossed aside.
... do you think the outhouse waste is part of my job, too? Ha ha ha ha! This is the greatest punishment of all!
Poll Vote!
Character: Okita Souji
Series: Hakuouki Shinsengumi Kitan
Character Age: ~23
Job: Authentic Tragic Tuberculosis Patient End of Life Decisions Counselor
Canon: Hakuouki is a sort of male harem/historical fantasy story about the Shinsengumi, where "historical" is in heavy irony quotes. While the anime includes a number of historical details, accuracy still takes backseat to things like inserting oni and vampirism via mystical Western medicine into events, making sure there's plenty of opportunity for the show's female lead, Chizuru, to bond with the group, and giving everyone fabulous hair and fresh young faces. Priorities: we has them.
And the end result is fun--it has vampiric Shinsengumi with fabulous hair! How can that possibly be bad?
Hakuouki's Okita Souji does not, in fact, have the most fabulous hair. He makes up for this unfortunate deficit by being a total badass. He balances an apparently extroverted personality and friendly face with a violent streak and teasing sense of humor, and the end result is sort of like having an affectionate asshole brother who maybe isn't as extroverted as he seems. Despite the numerous death threats he directs at Chizuru, Okita is one of the first Shinsengumi members to reach out to her and encourage her socialization with the rest of the cast. He is very loyal to the Shinsengumi, particularly Commander Kondou, going to the point of staying with them against physician's advice and despite his worsening tuberculosis. The Shinsengumi's most powerful swordsman, it's not really accurate to say his bark is worse than his bite, but when he says he'll kill you, he probably doesn't mean it. Probably.
Sample Entry:
My, my, what's this here? "Authentic Tragic Tuberculosis Patient." Isn't it a little early to be calling someone tragic when he's still alive? I hate to disappoint a cute woman, but you can tell your Director than I'm going to have to decline her offer, corpse-san. It would be a pain if she spread that idea about me around too much. Being weak for fussing over and making people sad, that's not the kind of thing I'm any good for.
It's not really even a job at all when you think about it that way, you know. More like being a victim. I might have to kill someone who gave me a job like that.
What could I do, hmm? Asking me that is a bit like expecting me to take care of your responsibilities for you. I'm not sure if I should... but, I don't work for just anyone. If she had a dojo, I suppose I could stop in and give the Director's students a few lessons. She doesn't mind if I put a few holes in the ones who are too slow or troublesome, right? That's how they learn. It's called "natural consequences." Or something like that. Judging from you though, the Director's already got herself someone doing that job--slow learner, corpse-san?
Or I have a little experience acting the part of a poetry critic, now that I think about it. But I might be too soft on anything you'd have for me. I'm used to reading only the very worst haiku--if it doesn't make children cry and women faint, I wouldn't know what to do with it... Oh, it does? Marcy-chan must be quite the poet, and it does sound like she has an interesting vocabulary. I didn't even know "gobbit" was a word, let alone that one could throb.
However, I was kidding. Making fun of poetry is more of a hobby than anything else.
Now don't give me that look. Whose fault is it that you can't tell a joke when you hear one?
So now that we've had this little talk, how about letting me be on my way? Oh, now your Director thinks she has something better suited to my situation, does she? Wonderful. As long as she doesn't get angry when I slack off... "End of Life Decisions Counseling...?" Heh. If your Director keeps being so fresh with me, I really may have to kill her.
Poll Vote!
Character: Saitou Hajime
Series: Hakuouki Shinsengumi Kitan
Character Age: ~23
Job: Safety Officer
Canon: Hakuouki is what happens when you combine slice of life historical fiction with supernatural action and rather cliche shoujo tropes, centering around the Shinsengumi in a reverse harem situation. The protagonist is Yukimura Chizuru, a young girl from Edo who has gone to Kyoto in search of her missing father. One night as she wanders the streets alone she is attacked by a blood thirsty, demonic swordsman, but is saved by three members of the Shinsengumi. The first on the scene is leader of the third squadron, Saitou Hajime.
In any harem series, certain stock character types need to be filled, and in Hakuoki, Saitou is the quiet one. Honor and duty are important to him, and his manner tends toward formal and polite, if somewhat curt. Initially his taciturn nature makes him seem cold and aloof, but it quickly becomes apparent that he is one of the most loyal and compassionate members of the group. He is serious and diligent, but he cares a great deal about those around him. He doesn't usually express his concern in a direct way, but he is often the one most likely to sympathize with Chizuru when she's worried. And if someone's ass needs saving, there's a good chance Saitou will be among the first there to back them up.
Sample Post:
Good afternoon. As of today, I am the new safety officer for this encampment. Please do not misunderstand. It is not my duty to protect you, but to ensure the safety of the grounds so that the residents may be better equipped to protect themselves. It is important that we all do our part. Of course, I realize that the population here is quite varied, and some are more capable of handling such tasks than others. Young children and the ill or otherwise infirm should seek refuge or stay behind those better equipped to deal with danger. I am told it is not uncommon for people to turn into kittens here. This would be another example of a time when it would be wiser to allow others to help you. Your deaths would be inconvenient, so be careful.
It seems there was an incident a few months ago that your Director wishes to avoid repeating. Her orders are as follows: “certify Camp is meeting basic safety standards and that it is fortified against threats such as invasions of mutants, rabid cows, sentient farm equipment, bad karaoke and Justin Bieber.” It is noted that the last two items may or may not be related.
I have already made preliminary patrols for lapses in standard safety measures. Upon my arrival I immediately noticed the overabundance of corn. It is my opinion this could be hazardous. It would be very easy to get lost in the stalks or to fall and sustain a serious injury. It also obscures many of the buildings, making it difficult to seek out shelter. Moreover, it could be used against you by an enemy. For instance, while I am not sure what a Justin Beiber is, it could almost certainly walk behind the rows and ambush you from there. This should definitely be avoided. I will make a note of it in my report to make the director aware of the issue.
I have also found many of the camp's structures to be problematic. In addition to the issues with accessibility, there are several buildings that are in various states of disrepair. Nearly all the barns have holes in the roofs and are made of wood that has long since grown old and dried out. They are not in any way adequate for emergency shelter. However, they are actually a secondary concern when compared to the silo. The foundation is poor and the structure itself is dilapidated. The craftsmanship is completely substandard. Those issues combined with the fact that it appears to be the home of an enormous squid intent on forcing crude advances upon any other creature that passes by makes it dangerous and entirely unsuitable for children.
…Indeed, there are simply too many dangers present at this location. I must officially declare Camp Fuck You Die unsafe.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: Sherlock Holmes
Series: Sherlock (2010)
Character Age: 34
Counselor Job: Consulting Detective
Canon:It is the year 2010 and Dr. John Watson is just back from the war, trying to rearrange his life and finding a place to live. With the assistance of an old friend, Watson found himself enraptured with a man named Sherlock Holmes, the world's only consulting detective. With Chinese gangs, shadowy conspiracies, and enigmatic cases on their heels, Watson's having the time of his life. The game is on!
Who wants to get involved with Sherlock Holmes? No sane person, from the sound of it. Often described as psychopathic (though he proclaims the correct term is "sociopathic") due to his obsessive need to keep himself occupied and his analytic ability to note every detail with a single glance, Holmes demands attention, often employing technology to get it. With several bad habits such as talking without pause, insulting everyone's intellect, and an incorrigible distaste for the mundane, Sherlock endeavours to make every moment of his life as insightful as he can. So long as he's right about everything.
Sample Post:
CASE FILE - The Cookie Thief
I have been invited by a Miss Elizabeth Sayre to solve a case she considers to be of utmost importance. Why she didn't ask the American police, I can only hazard that they are just as incompetent on the other side of the world. The case looks straight-forward at first glance (or several mulish glances by a Scotland Yard detective). Apparently, Elizabeth Sayre has a monthly habit of bestowing a cookie jar to the children of camp, as a show of kindness or something equally moronic. On August 3rd, Elizabeth Sayre claimed to have left the cookie jar as per normal in the kitchen of the Mess Hall, yet the minute she turned her back, the cookie jar mysteriously vanished. Two days later, the aforementioned jar of cookies reappeared in the same location it was before, untouched save for the complete lack of "sugary goodness". Understandably, she was quite upset about the whole ordeal. "Think of the children," she told me melodramatically and I replied that I rather not think of children ever as I found them a complete and utter waste of time and resources. I believe that's when she started sobbing or something. I stopped paying attention to her theatrics. She suspected another employee on the premise named "Marcy", short for Marcella, who claimed that she hasn't moved from her silo ever since she came and she had a witness to verify that.
Update: I have now perused the entirety of the kitchen as well as taken note of the cookie jar. The kitchen is atypical for a camp this size, with stainless steel equipment and a large window overlooking the silo, which is only fourteen metres away. The cookie jar itself had been wiped clean thoroughly, an action that garners more suspicion than anyone would perceive, because the culprit was meticulous about the handling around the eyes to the point that some of the paint had flaked, revealing the ceramic underneath, which is unusual because the most common area for a cookie jar for that to happen would be the neck and bottom. This suggests that the culprit had a peculiar handicap, the lack of fingers and palm, thus the only way to grip the cookie jar would be for a tendril to curl itself around a particular location, namely a ring around the eyes. However, judging by the length of Marcy's appendages, from the distance where it dangles from her window, it is not sufficiently elongated to reach the kitchen window. So how did Marcy get to the cookie jar? It was really quite elementary, to the point I could not understand why Elizabeth Sayre hadn't worked it out herself. How embarrassing must it be to live like her, I can't even begin to imagine. No, on second thought, I can, but I'd rather not.
Checking the grounds right outside the kitchen window, I have discovered that there is a certain specimen of tree species growing exactly in the midway point of the kitchen and Marcy's silo. Specifically, a type of Ficus Elastica, also known as Indian rubber bush native of course, to India and southern Indonesia. With the permission of Elizabeth Sayre, I have examined the shipping records and found that Marcy had placed an order for the seeds, claiming them to be a delicacy. The camp environment did the rest for her. I took a sampling of a cookie and waved it in front of the Ficus Elastica and it turned out that it had been conditioned to "cookie" scent through its vines. It grabbed the sample from my hand and tossed it into Marcy's open window. Marcy had an accomplice, her alibi is worthless. Elementary and yet highly unsatisfying that I came here to deal with a matter so trivial, but I believe there is more here that meets the naked eye, even with that hare-brained Elizabeth Sayre.
At any rate, I should inform her the case is closed. Now, to text or to tweet, that is the question.
Applicant #2
Character Name: Sherlock Holmes
Age: 34
Series: Sherlock
Job: Murder Investigator
Canon: Sherlock Holmes is, as most know, the greatest detective of the 19th and 20th centuries. Sherlock is a new take on this, setting the eponymous detective in a modern, 2010 setting with all that implies. Strange murders are happening all over London, and when the police at Scotland Yard are outmatched (which is, according to the main character, always), they go to a man named Sherlock Holmes to help them out.
Bluntly, Sherlock Holmes is an arrogant dick. He is, in his own words, a 'high-functioning sociopath'. He lacks any empathy with others and has trouble forming emotional connections with people. However, he makes up for this by being completely brilliant, as one would expect of any depiction of Sherlock Holmes. His powers of deduction are impeccable, making him invaluable in solving insane crimes. He enjoys this, as nothing excites him quite like a good clever crime. Any boring crime, though, he leaves alone no matter what kind of rewards offered, leaving mundane murders alone to play with the really weird ones. He rambles quite a bit at length as well, thinking better when he has something to talk to. Something, he used to have a skull lying around just for that purpose.
Sample Post:
Oi, you there, zombie fellow. Come over here, I need to borrow you for a minute. No, not all of you, all I need is your skull. Oh, don’t act like you need it, most of it is showing anyway. Be happy, you get to be my thinking skull for a while. No, don't talk back, you'll distract me, I'll do the talking. Yes, I know you're a zombie, you want my brains (and you won't find any higher quality than mine, good eye- oh, and it just fell out, look at that), but let's deal with one impossibility at a time, shall we? For now, this place.
From the sun's position in the sky, it can't be later than two o'clock P.M., but my watch is telling me it's nearly nine at night. Since I keep my watch set to Greenwich time exactly, that means I'm not in London anymore, and am now likely in the GMT-7 time zone. The date on my watch is still where it was before, so I seem to have been moved. Seven hour time difference, and judging from the weather that would put me in mid-western America... Farmland, it looks like. And the humidity... Iowa or eastern Nebraska. However, I don't believe either of those places have farmlands populated by robots. That seems more like something out of Japan.
This raises the question, of course, as to why I am here. I think, however, that that is something that can be pondered from proper civilization, and not in a place like this, where I have to worry about stepping in the patties left by a robotic cow. I don't understand how people can possibly want to live in places like this, and frankly, that’s a mystery even I don't care to solve. Skull, I'm not done with you, come with me. You can walk better than that, your legs aren't nearly rotted that badly yet. Once we make it to that road, I should be able to hitchhike to a police station. I am an Englishman with no passport or visa, so I believe they will have no choice but to deport me.
Hold on a minute. That eye on the ground, isn't that the one that just fell out of you, Skull? I know I didn't get turned around, I've been keeping track of the sun's position. Ferrous iron deposits in the ground... are not possible, this is the wrong location for iron, and anyway the magnetic field would only disrupt compasses locally, not my own brain. None of this is making sense at all... So far, the only logical explanation is that I'm dreaming, but- ow- No, definitely not a dream. Skull, it is good to be proactive when trying to be helpful, but next time, pinching is generally more socially acceptable than biting, I’m told.
So, then. There are robots populating a place where there aren't robots, which I have been taken to by mysterious means for an unknown purpose. In this place, space seems warped, preventing escape, and the undead seem to wander freely. Reason as I have known it seems to be irrelevant here. I'll have to make it work, though, that's obvious. That's good. That's very good! An interesting case at last, and no one is even whining about someone being murdered! Oh, the boys at Scotland Yard should have me on more things like this! Look out, irrational farm in the mid-western United States, here comes Sherlock Holmes!
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- Obligatory reminder to not discuss apps in the main chan goes here.
- BE COOL, guys. ):
- I wonder if people actually read these "Remember!" things.
- I want a pony.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Roxanne "Roxie” Richter
Series: Scott Pilgrim
Age: early ‘20s
Job: Relationship Therapist
Canon: This is the tale of an irresponsible twentysomething named Scott Pilgrim, who is forced to clean up his act and start acting his age in order to win the heart of Ramona Flowers, the girl of his dreams. He faces obstacles like getting a job, accepting the consequences of his own actions, and oh, right, defeating seven superpowered Evil Exes who have formed an honest-to-goodness League dedicated to making sure nobody dates said girl, under penalty of death. Yeah. That complicates matters a bit.
Amazingly, "I dated a girl in college and she dumped me so she can never love anyone ever again OR I’LL KILL THEM” is just a taste of the chip on her shoulder that Roxie Richter, the 4th Evil Ex, possesses. A half-ninja with all the speed, stealth, and skills with a sword the title implies, Roxie is a tightly-wound ball of issues who is prone to getting angry and defensive about topics including but not limited to her abilities, being called an "evil ex-boyfriend,” and, of course, the nature of her failed relationship with Ramona. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Roxie really does think that she’s the one who's doing the right thing (and has the conspiracy theories to prove it), but really she’s just a girl with a katana, a poorly-disguised inferiority complex, and a whole lot of anger issues to work through.
Also, she really, really sucks at coming up with insults and/or competent threats. This doesn’t stop her from trying (or trying to act like they never happened after they inevitably fail to land).
Sample Post:
"Hello, campers! My name’s Roxanne and from now on, I’m your go-to guy for any and all problems with that special someone or something you’re head-over-heels in love with. When it comes to what to do or what not to do in relationships, I’m pretty much an expert, so feel free to ask me about..."
Are you kidding me? "Anything you might ‘be-curious’ about?” Wow, that’s just hilarious. First of all, I’m not a guy, thanks. And second, if this prepared statement is just going to turn into bad sexuality puns designed to piss me off then I’m not reading any more of it! You think I don’t see that you put the word "experimenting” down here in slightly bigger font? I see the bigger font! And don’t think I didn’t notice that I’m not even delivering this to actual campers, either! Nice try, Director, but when half of the class eats the introduction forms I had to pass out I sort of got the hint that this is just one big joke at my expense. Believe me, if I didn’t have college loans and property damage bills to pay off I wouldn’t even be here right now.
... okay, fine. I’ll listen to all of your stupid problems and then I’ll say "wow, that’s awful, but consider this a new beginning” or something equally lame if you're that desperate, but let me just save you all some time; don’t bother, it won’t work out. You’ll give your heart to them and they’ll kinda love you back, but then they’ll start acting distant and talking to a bunch of guys who clearly only want to sleep with them, and soon you’ve put half of the campus football team in the hospital and suddenly she -- they act like you’re out of line! So they dump you for loving them too much, and just to add insult to injury they give you back the mixtape you spent eight hours making for them! So give it up. Nobody loves you, nobody believes in you, it’s just you, your mixtape, and a carton of French Vanilla. Forever.
Oh, did I hit a nerve? Obviously I'm the bad guy for telling you the truth, right? Well, bring it on! This katana isn't just for show, y’know, and if you creeps can't keep your hands to yourselves then I'm gonna take your hands for myself!
... oh, stop groaning, dammit, just forget I even said that, okay? And don't even think about begging me to stop, either, because I don't have to put on the red light.
Poll Vote!
Character: Yaguruma Sou
Series: Kamen Rider Kabuto
Age: 24
Job: Trash Collector
Canon: Seven years ago, a meteor fell into Shibuya carrying an alien race, known as "Worms," that began to terrorize the populous of Tokyo. These creatures can only be (effectively) defeated by using the Rider System - a system created by the mysterious corporation ZECT. ZECT has its own Rider, known as TheBee, a role once filled by the originally capable Yaguruma Sou. This man was responsible, well-respected, and once spoke of teamwork and “Perfect Harmony.” However, after a continuous string of mishaps (and being one-upped by the hero of the series) that led to him falling from grace, Yaguruma snapped and lost it. After further humiliation and frustration at the hands of ZECT itself - as he was no longer useful to them - his psyche finally crumbled and he went offscreen for a good fifteen episodes to go crazy or whatever happened to him. Kabuto fails in the Cohesive Sense department, much like Yaguruma himself.
After becoming a walking pile of preteen goth poetry, Yaguruma no longer speaks of positive things, such as working together in harmony and trying his best to fight for good. Instead, he randomly gets into fights, interrupts things for no reason other to tell people he's jealous of their nice emotions, and generally sulks around in his trenchcoat. Damned from reaching for "the light," he's happy to let you know how jealous he is that you can seek it; he's the dirt under the world's shoe. It's okay to laugh at Yaguruma, because he knows you are. Except that most of the time, he directly contradicts himself in both words and actions, so if you did laugh at him, he'll get pretty angry and try to destroy you. Don't expect anything nice or logical out of him - unless you’re human waste like he is, in which case he’ll adopt you.
For the purpose of this app, the Japanese garbage-sorting system involves garbage being sorted into burnables (ie. paper, food), non-burnables, recyclables, and metals.
Sample Entry:
I envy you.
It must be nice, being able to walk around in the sun so freely. Your eyes have long since rotted, but you can still see how brilliant it is. Yet, wasn't it the brightness of the sunlight that destroyed your eyes in the first place? Or was it because trash like you shouldn't have been out in the sun? Probably not, considering your stench... like true garbage, the stench of rotting meat and being tossed aside. That's how the world punishes people like us; no matter how hard we try, it will only kick us to the ground where we belong.
That's why we end up in this place, don't we? Everyone is trapped, being punished with physical and mental manipulation at the will of that Director. "Camp Fucking Logic, How Does it Work?" Such a mouthful of a name, but names like this reflect how dirty it is. It's different from the Hell that I saw, but the screams of "no, Frank, no!" echoing across the fields at night... the pain and the darkness is the same. I'm sure he's waiting, ready to punish those who... ah, what did the Director say? Break "Rule 404?"
Even still, I have to clean up his garbage, too. Will he hurt me and humiliate me, even if I’m an employee of this unique Hell? Of course - because I’m pathetic and rotten, completely non-recyclable and worthless, just like what gets put into these bags for disposal. I didn't take this job willingly, you know; I told that Director woman, this job is too good for me. But I'm doing it anyways, because sometimes I find trash like yourself - which then becomes my treasure. Pieces of garbage need to stick together. Why be alone as you drag yourself across the ground? And besides, this soil, smeared with cow pies and the fallen lacy clothing from that perverted tree... it's hard to look up at the blinding light like this, with so much corn in the way. But that's what makes it so perfect - it blocks out that bright light that we can no longer reach. Those fearsome UV rays mean nothing to us who walk in the shadows... oh, you have a question? "Cool story, bro?" Ah, such kind lies. I forgot what it was like to be praised, but those words can't reach me anymore. Nice things like that aren't good for me; they're the trans fats and parasites that make me ill.
Come on, let's walk together; if you seek the darkness, you could become my little brother, and we could both be the worst pieces of trash in this place. But remember, this isn't a nice thing. We can't be together forever, you know - the world's not kind and fair like that. No, we can clump together like the trash in these bags, but eventually we'll be separated into burnables, plastics, and metals... or rather, just burnables, as plastics and metals can be recycled. Unless it's the special day for paper recycling, in which case... but this is America, isn't it. I suppose in this situation, we're closer to a piece of toilet paper - to be used briefly and tossed aside.
... do you think the outhouse waste is part of my job, too? Ha ha ha ha! This is the greatest punishment of all!
Poll Vote!
Character: Okita Souji
Series: Hakuouki Shinsengumi Kitan
Character Age: ~23
Job: Authentic Tragic Tuberculosis Patient End of Life Decisions Counselor
Canon: Hakuouki is a sort of male harem/historical fantasy story about the Shinsengumi, where "historical" is in heavy irony quotes. While the anime includes a number of historical details, accuracy still takes backseat to things like inserting oni and vampirism via mystical Western medicine into events, making sure there's plenty of opportunity for the show's female lead, Chizuru, to bond with the group, and giving everyone fabulous hair and fresh young faces. Priorities: we has them.
And the end result is fun--it has vampiric Shinsengumi with fabulous hair! How can that possibly be bad?
Hakuouki's Okita Souji does not, in fact, have the most fabulous hair. He makes up for this unfortunate deficit by being a total badass. He balances an apparently extroverted personality and friendly face with a violent streak and teasing sense of humor, and the end result is sort of like having an affectionate asshole brother who maybe isn't as extroverted as he seems. Despite the numerous death threats he directs at Chizuru, Okita is one of the first Shinsengumi members to reach out to her and encourage her socialization with the rest of the cast. He is very loyal to the Shinsengumi, particularly Commander Kondou, going to the point of staying with them against physician's advice and despite his worsening tuberculosis. The Shinsengumi's most powerful swordsman, it's not really accurate to say his bark is worse than his bite, but when he says he'll kill you, he probably doesn't mean it. Probably.
Sample Entry:
My, my, what's this here? "Authentic Tragic Tuberculosis Patient." Isn't it a little early to be calling someone tragic when he's still alive? I hate to disappoint a cute woman, but you can tell your Director than I'm going to have to decline her offer, corpse-san. It would be a pain if she spread that idea about me around too much. Being weak for fussing over and making people sad, that's not the kind of thing I'm any good for.
It's not really even a job at all when you think about it that way, you know. More like being a victim. I might have to kill someone who gave me a job like that.
What could I do, hmm? Asking me that is a bit like expecting me to take care of your responsibilities for you. I'm not sure if I should... but, I don't work for just anyone. If she had a dojo, I suppose I could stop in and give the Director's students a few lessons. She doesn't mind if I put a few holes in the ones who are too slow or troublesome, right? That's how they learn. It's called "natural consequences." Or something like that. Judging from you though, the Director's already got herself someone doing that job--slow learner, corpse-san?
Or I have a little experience acting the part of a poetry critic, now that I think about it. But I might be too soft on anything you'd have for me. I'm used to reading only the very worst haiku--if it doesn't make children cry and women faint, I wouldn't know what to do with it... Oh, it does? Marcy-chan must be quite the poet, and it does sound like she has an interesting vocabulary. I didn't even know "gobbit" was a word, let alone that one could throb.
However, I was kidding. Making fun of poetry is more of a hobby than anything else.
Now don't give me that look. Whose fault is it that you can't tell a joke when you hear one?
So now that we've had this little talk, how about letting me be on my way? Oh, now your Director thinks she has something better suited to my situation, does she? Wonderful. As long as she doesn't get angry when I slack off... "End of Life Decisions Counseling...?" Heh. If your Director keeps being so fresh with me, I really may have to kill her.
Poll Vote!
Character: Saitou Hajime
Series: Hakuouki Shinsengumi Kitan
Character Age: ~23
Job: Safety Officer
Canon: Hakuouki is what happens when you combine slice of life historical fiction with supernatural action and rather cliche shoujo tropes, centering around the Shinsengumi in a reverse harem situation. The protagonist is Yukimura Chizuru, a young girl from Edo who has gone to Kyoto in search of her missing father. One night as she wanders the streets alone she is attacked by a blood thirsty, demonic swordsman, but is saved by three members of the Shinsengumi. The first on the scene is leader of the third squadron, Saitou Hajime.
In any harem series, certain stock character types need to be filled, and in Hakuoki, Saitou is the quiet one. Honor and duty are important to him, and his manner tends toward formal and polite, if somewhat curt. Initially his taciturn nature makes him seem cold and aloof, but it quickly becomes apparent that he is one of the most loyal and compassionate members of the group. He is serious and diligent, but he cares a great deal about those around him. He doesn't usually express his concern in a direct way, but he is often the one most likely to sympathize with Chizuru when she's worried. And if someone's ass needs saving, there's a good chance Saitou will be among the first there to back them up.
Sample Post:
Good afternoon. As of today, I am the new safety officer for this encampment. Please do not misunderstand. It is not my duty to protect you, but to ensure the safety of the grounds so that the residents may be better equipped to protect themselves. It is important that we all do our part. Of course, I realize that the population here is quite varied, and some are more capable of handling such tasks than others. Young children and the ill or otherwise infirm should seek refuge or stay behind those better equipped to deal with danger. I am told it is not uncommon for people to turn into kittens here. This would be another example of a time when it would be wiser to allow others to help you. Your deaths would be inconvenient, so be careful.
It seems there was an incident a few months ago that your Director wishes to avoid repeating. Her orders are as follows: “certify Camp is meeting basic safety standards and that it is fortified against threats such as invasions of mutants, rabid cows, sentient farm equipment, bad karaoke and Justin Bieber.” It is noted that the last two items may or may not be related.
I have already made preliminary patrols for lapses in standard safety measures. Upon my arrival I immediately noticed the overabundance of corn. It is my opinion this could be hazardous. It would be very easy to get lost in the stalks or to fall and sustain a serious injury. It also obscures many of the buildings, making it difficult to seek out shelter. Moreover, it could be used against you by an enemy. For instance, while I am not sure what a Justin Beiber is, it could almost certainly walk behind the rows and ambush you from there. This should definitely be avoided. I will make a note of it in my report to make the director aware of the issue.
I have also found many of the camp's structures to be problematic. In addition to the issues with accessibility, there are several buildings that are in various states of disrepair. Nearly all the barns have holes in the roofs and are made of wood that has long since grown old and dried out. They are not in any way adequate for emergency shelter. However, they are actually a secondary concern when compared to the silo. The foundation is poor and the structure itself is dilapidated. The craftsmanship is completely substandard. Those issues combined with the fact that it appears to be the home of an enormous squid intent on forcing crude advances upon any other creature that passes by makes it dangerous and entirely unsuitable for children.
…Indeed, there are simply too many dangers present at this location. I must officially declare Camp Fuck You Die unsafe.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: Sherlock Holmes
Series: Sherlock (2010)
Character Age: 34
Counselor Job: Consulting Detective
Canon:It is the year 2010 and Dr. John Watson is just back from the war, trying to rearrange his life and finding a place to live. With the assistance of an old friend, Watson found himself enraptured with a man named Sherlock Holmes, the world's only consulting detective. With Chinese gangs, shadowy conspiracies, and enigmatic cases on their heels, Watson's having the time of his life. The game is on!
Who wants to get involved with Sherlock Holmes? No sane person, from the sound of it. Often described as psychopathic (though he proclaims the correct term is "sociopathic") due to his obsessive need to keep himself occupied and his analytic ability to note every detail with a single glance, Holmes demands attention, often employing technology to get it. With several bad habits such as talking without pause, insulting everyone's intellect, and an incorrigible distaste for the mundane, Sherlock endeavours to make every moment of his life as insightful as he can. So long as he's right about everything.
Sample Post:
CASE FILE - The Cookie Thief
I have been invited by a Miss Elizabeth Sayre to solve a case she considers to be of utmost importance. Why she didn't ask the American police, I can only hazard that they are just as incompetent on the other side of the world. The case looks straight-forward at first glance (or several mulish glances by a Scotland Yard detective). Apparently, Elizabeth Sayre has a monthly habit of bestowing a cookie jar to the children of camp, as a show of kindness or something equally moronic. On August 3rd, Elizabeth Sayre claimed to have left the cookie jar as per normal in the kitchen of the Mess Hall, yet the minute she turned her back, the cookie jar mysteriously vanished. Two days later, the aforementioned jar of cookies reappeared in the same location it was before, untouched save for the complete lack of "sugary goodness". Understandably, she was quite upset about the whole ordeal. "Think of the children," she told me melodramatically and I replied that I rather not think of children ever as I found them a complete and utter waste of time and resources. I believe that's when she started sobbing or something. I stopped paying attention to her theatrics. She suspected another employee on the premise named "Marcy", short for Marcella, who claimed that she hasn't moved from her silo ever since she came and she had a witness to verify that.
Update: I have now perused the entirety of the kitchen as well as taken note of the cookie jar. The kitchen is atypical for a camp this size, with stainless steel equipment and a large window overlooking the silo, which is only fourteen metres away. The cookie jar itself had been wiped clean thoroughly, an action that garners more suspicion than anyone would perceive, because the culprit was meticulous about the handling around the eyes to the point that some of the paint had flaked, revealing the ceramic underneath, which is unusual because the most common area for a cookie jar for that to happen would be the neck and bottom. This suggests that the culprit had a peculiar handicap, the lack of fingers and palm, thus the only way to grip the cookie jar would be for a tendril to curl itself around a particular location, namely a ring around the eyes. However, judging by the length of Marcy's appendages, from the distance where it dangles from her window, it is not sufficiently elongated to reach the kitchen window. So how did Marcy get to the cookie jar? It was really quite elementary, to the point I could not understand why Elizabeth Sayre hadn't worked it out herself. How embarrassing must it be to live like her, I can't even begin to imagine. No, on second thought, I can, but I'd rather not.
Checking the grounds right outside the kitchen window, I have discovered that there is a certain specimen of tree species growing exactly in the midway point of the kitchen and Marcy's silo. Specifically, a type of Ficus Elastica, also known as Indian rubber bush native of course, to India and southern Indonesia. With the permission of Elizabeth Sayre, I have examined the shipping records and found that Marcy had placed an order for the seeds, claiming them to be a delicacy. The camp environment did the rest for her. I took a sampling of a cookie and waved it in front of the Ficus Elastica and it turned out that it had been conditioned to "cookie" scent through its vines. It grabbed the sample from my hand and tossed it into Marcy's open window. Marcy had an accomplice, her alibi is worthless. Elementary and yet highly unsatisfying that I came here to deal with a matter so trivial, but I believe there is more here that meets the naked eye, even with that hare-brained Elizabeth Sayre.
At any rate, I should inform her the case is closed. Now, to text or to tweet, that is the question.
Applicant #2
Character Name: Sherlock Holmes
Age: 34
Series: Sherlock
Job: Murder Investigator
Canon: Sherlock Holmes is, as most know, the greatest detective of the 19th and 20th centuries. Sherlock is a new take on this, setting the eponymous detective in a modern, 2010 setting with all that implies. Strange murders are happening all over London, and when the police at Scotland Yard are outmatched (which is, according to the main character, always), they go to a man named Sherlock Holmes to help them out.
Bluntly, Sherlock Holmes is an arrogant dick. He is, in his own words, a 'high-functioning sociopath'. He lacks any empathy with others and has trouble forming emotional connections with people. However, he makes up for this by being completely brilliant, as one would expect of any depiction of Sherlock Holmes. His powers of deduction are impeccable, making him invaluable in solving insane crimes. He enjoys this, as nothing excites him quite like a good clever crime. Any boring crime, though, he leaves alone no matter what kind of rewards offered, leaving mundane murders alone to play with the really weird ones. He rambles quite a bit at length as well, thinking better when he has something to talk to. Something, he used to have a skull lying around just for that purpose.
Sample Post:
Oi, you there, zombie fellow. Come over here, I need to borrow you for a minute. No, not all of you, all I need is your skull. Oh, don’t act like you need it, most of it is showing anyway. Be happy, you get to be my thinking skull for a while. No, don't talk back, you'll distract me, I'll do the talking. Yes, I know you're a zombie, you want my brains (and you won't find any higher quality than mine, good eye- oh, and it just fell out, look at that), but let's deal with one impossibility at a time, shall we? For now, this place.
From the sun's position in the sky, it can't be later than two o'clock P.M., but my watch is telling me it's nearly nine at night. Since I keep my watch set to Greenwich time exactly, that means I'm not in London anymore, and am now likely in the GMT-7 time zone. The date on my watch is still where it was before, so I seem to have been moved. Seven hour time difference, and judging from the weather that would put me in mid-western America... Farmland, it looks like. And the humidity... Iowa or eastern Nebraska. However, I don't believe either of those places have farmlands populated by robots. That seems more like something out of Japan.
This raises the question, of course, as to why I am here. I think, however, that that is something that can be pondered from proper civilization, and not in a place like this, where I have to worry about stepping in the patties left by a robotic cow. I don't understand how people can possibly want to live in places like this, and frankly, that’s a mystery even I don't care to solve. Skull, I'm not done with you, come with me. You can walk better than that, your legs aren't nearly rotted that badly yet. Once we make it to that road, I should be able to hitchhike to a police station. I am an Englishman with no passport or visa, so I believe they will have no choice but to deport me.
Hold on a minute. That eye on the ground, isn't that the one that just fell out of you, Skull? I know I didn't get turned around, I've been keeping track of the sun's position. Ferrous iron deposits in the ground... are not possible, this is the wrong location for iron, and anyway the magnetic field would only disrupt compasses locally, not my own brain. None of this is making sense at all... So far, the only logical explanation is that I'm dreaming, but- ow- No, definitely not a dream. Skull, it is good to be proactive when trying to be helpful, but next time, pinching is generally more socially acceptable than biting, I’m told.
So, then. There are robots populating a place where there aren't robots, which I have been taken to by mysterious means for an unknown purpose. In this place, space seems warped, preventing escape, and the undead seem to wander freely. Reason as I have known it seems to be irrelevant here. I'll have to make it work, though, that's obvious. That's good. That's very good! An interesting case at last, and no one is even whining about someone being murdered! Oh, the boys at Scotland Yard should have me on more things like this! Look out, irrational farm in the mid-western United States, here comes Sherlock Holmes!
Poll Vote!