(no subject)
I have a new job at locally-owned pet store. It's pretty damn bitchin', even if I do have a horrible sinus infection and sneezed on everyone, like, twenty times today.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
VOTE closed o7
Character: Subaru Kujo
Series: Sakura Wars: So Long, My Love
Character Age: Unknown, looks like a teenager
Canon: Ah, New York in the Roaring Twenties, that magical land of freedom and opportunity! A place where everyone can reach their dreams! A place where a janitor can become an actress, a former gang member can become a lawyer, And a bunch of young women can from a theatre troupe while moonlighting as the pilots of steam-powered transforming robots! Naturally, their main opponent is an effeminate demonic bunny-boy who plans on reviving the demon lord, Oda Nobunaga. Because historical accuracy is for people who don't have steam-powered camera phones in their pocket watches.
Not all of these demon-fighters are young girls, though; one of them is Subaru, whose age is a mystery and whose gender is probably best described as "neither". Subaru is highly intelligent, an accomplished actor in both traditional Japanese and Western styles, and calm even in the heat of battle. Unfortunately, Subaru is also an arrogant perfectionist who doesn't suffer fools gladly. Subaru is not without a softer side, though, and does have a sense of humor (albeit one that sometimes comes at the expense of others). When not performing or defending New York from the forces of evil using fans that are somehow capable of blocking swords, Subaru enjoys speaking in the third person (but only sometimes) and making men wear dresses.
(On a minor side note, the Sakura Wars series loves to have its characters reference media that by all rights shouldn't exist yet, like James Bond movies or West Side Story, so any anachronisms of that sort are meant in the spirit of the canon.)
Sample Post:
Really, this is pathetic. You call yourselves actors? Well, you don't seem to call yourselves anything, since that would require you to be somewhat more eloquent than you actually are, but you're clearly attempting a theatrical performance of some sort - "attempting" being the key word. Allow Subaru to give you a few suggestions. And do sit still and listen properly, or you'll soon find out just how much damage fans can do. ... No, I wasn't talking about the audience of your last play. Anyway, they don't sound like they can have been very big fans if they dropped a robotic cow on the stage.
Well, never mind, your previous production doesn't matter now. Let's discuss the problems with your current one. First of all, there's the issue of your choice of play. Subaru has heard of Death of a Salesman, but an undead salesman is another matter entirely. I suppose you haven't got much choice considering the state of most of your actors - and the living ones present difficulties of their own - but having him be dead to begin with defeats the entire purpose of the play. One might as well have an all-undead production of Hamlet. Making Hamlet's father a zombie ghost would be the very least of the problems that would entail. ... No, of course Subaru hasn't been looking at your secret plans for your next show. I wasn't aware you had plans. After all, you barely seem to have thought this play through.
Speaking of which, your casting could be much better as well. Your leading actor can't enunciate at all, and when all one can say is "bargaaaains", one might as well learn to say it clearly enough to actually be understood by the audience. And while it may be an interesting visual metaphor to have the wife literally fall apart over the course of the show, in Subaru's opinion it's creating too much of a distraction for all involved. Here, why don't you try standing in for her instead? Yes, I'm aware that you aren't a woman. Trust me, with the proper costuming no one will notice a thing. I have quite a bit of experience in this area, and it's amazing what one can do with makeup and a bit of confidence.
Well, that and Subaru doesn't think most people can tell the difference between male and female toucans to begin with.
Poll So?
Character: Narumi Akiko
Series: Kamen Rider Double
Age: 20
Canon: Akiko went to Fuuto City to track down her missing father, detective Narumi Soukichi. What she found instead was the Narumi Detective Agency, run by Shoutarou, a hard-boiled detective half-boiled idiot, and Philip, a boy with a library in his head. (They're her best friends.) Between them, they are Kamen Rider Double. They fight to protect Fuuto from those who would destroy it with GaiaMemories, which transform ordinary humans into superpowered Dopants.
Akiko's a bubbly, enthusiastic person with a keen business sense, though she helps people for their own sake as well as for money. She flails a lot, thinks Shoutarou's an idiot, but she stands by him and Philip no matter what. She's not a fighter. She's not really a lover, either. But what she is, is a gutsy, surprisingly good, proactive detective who makes mistakes but always puts her clients first, even if it'll get her hurt. She doesn't sit around waiting for the boys to have all the fun. She helps with their cases and takes on her own. She'll help anyone, adults, children, thieves, and even an insanely creepy little doll who beat up another Kamen Rider. Her main weapons are a green slipper and a screech that could shatter glass, but she's also pretty good at the steely eyed stare.
Sample post:
I called you all here today because I, Narumi Akiko the great detective, have made a deduction! Now that I have gathered you all here, I can take you all along with me on my deductive journey. Please sit back, be quiet (though shocked gasps are, of course, acceptable!), hold onto your various appendages, and prepare to be thrilled!
I know who ate the last cookie.
Hey, hey, hey, you over there, you sit down and be quiet, please, this is MY moment. Yes, because I am not half boiled, I have figured this out! I know, for example, that it's not you, Tentacle Monster-san. Your tentacles are all gooey and disgusting -- uh, no offense -- and I really don't see you being able to fit through that tiny window up there.
I was also able to cross you off my list, Scary Parrot-san, on account of how you have been sitting on my shoulder for the last six hours and you haven't moved from there, even though I've asked you politely to stop doing yucky things down my back and I've also informed you, not so politely, that I'm a DETECTIVE, not a PIRATE, and detectives generally don't have parrots on their shoulders. Well, I guess THIS one does. I shall be a detective nonetheless, for detectives soldier on no matter what and protect their clients! Even if said client is no longer with us. But still moving. I shall not discriminate against the undead, however, for the boss of the Narumi Detective Agency does not discriminate!
You know, it's much easier to do a dramatic detective-y prowl around you all if there are no unpleasant things on the ground to step on. I really do not like these oozing puddles, and must question the dietary habits of some of you.
...what was I saying?
Oh, yes, the cookie. I have dusted for fingerprints, hoof prints, beak prints, and claw prints. I have spoken to the word on the street. I have even questioned the very birds of the air! Mostly what they said to me was "AWK", but still, I questioned them, for there are no lengths to which I will not go!
My answer? Was that I ate it myself. I, uh, forgot. I'M SORRY, OKAY? I WAS HUNGRY.
Poll So?
Character: Tachibana Kanade
Series: Angel Beats!
Age: Roughly mid-teens
Canon: Due to some unfortunate happenstances in life, many find themselves dead at a young age and suddenly thrust into a place known as the afterlife. Here, those unlucky enough to have bit the bullet before realizing their dreams have another shot at achieving what they want-by going back to school and living like a normal student! You do that, you disappear and go on your merry way to... somewhere. Just where that "somewhere" happens to be is what a group of teens known as the Afterlife Battlefront are trying to figure out. Too bad the student council president-an enemy the team dubs "Angel"-seems to be against the idea, wanting the Afterlife Battlefront to adhere to school rules and move on quickly like all the others. Every night, the two sides clash in a struggle to prevent themselves from disappearing without getting the answers they seek. They might die trying, but that's okay. What's dying a few times here and there when you have unlimited lives?
This so called "Angel" ends up being, well, not an angel at all! Despite having a near indestructible body and superb fighting skills, Tachibana Kanade is a normal teenager. She's a "get it done right away" sort of girl; there's no time for small talk when students are neglecting the rules. Though her motives to the Afterlife Battlefront seem cruel, in reality she wants nothing more but for them to pass on peacefully. Once the team becomes aware of this, their opinions of her change. They see that she is nothing more than a girl of select few words who gave up making friends in the afterlife once she realized they would disappear. After this revelation, she follows a specific member's lead to help students make their dreams come true... Even if that means following ridiculous plans blindly. No excuse or idea is too silly for her oblivious nature, which often leads to her doing anything she's asked without question. This, combined with her straight to the point communication style that makes her seem almost robotic, lends a hand in her rather awkward dealings with people.
It's important to note her love of mapo tofu; a love so strong that she'll even forget about school rules just to get a taste of it.
Sample:
Miss Elizabeth Sayre, I've gone over and familiarized myself with the changes to the rules as well as the layout of the campsite. There are a number of puzzling rules, though, specifically the banned items. I can recognize the majority of them, however there are some I'll need to get a description of in case of camper violation. I can't confiscate a "macarena" if I don't learn to identify it first. The stricter rules are easier to spot and correct. I reprimanded an offending gorilla earlier who was almost in direct violation of the rule involving intimate relations. He won't be a problem again. If he is, speak to me and I'll see to it that he receives punishment accordingly. I took my position as student council president very serious, Miss Elizabeth Sayre. As Director of the camp, you will no longer have anything to worry about. I will take the job of camp rule enforcer as seriously as I did my last position.
What was that you said? Occasionally it's hard to understand you, Miss Elizabeth Sayre. When we met, it took me a moment to realize that you were indeed the one in charge of this camp; from what I've heard about you, I wasn't convinced you could be the same person until you identified yourself. I'm certain that only the real Elizabeth Sayre would call themselves by that name- Excuse me, I didn't catch that, either. Your lack of tongue makes communication between us difficult. With your health in such a deteriorating state it must be hard to keep an eye on everyone. You can barely walk let alone see. With my fully functioning body parts, I will ensure everyone falls into line.
Right now, we are standing outside of the Mess Hall. I wanted you to witness firsthand my dedication to this position you've bestowed upon me. Earlier I overheard a group of your campers going over their plans to disrupt meal time by throwing the contents of their meals around the room. According to similar things I've witnessed before, this will lead to other severe activities that will cause chaos among the campers. I'll put a stop now to their troubling activities as soon as I open this door-
-I've arrived too late it would seem. The individuals here are already underway of taking the name "Mess Hall" literally. Why has nothing been done in the past to prevent incidents like this? This is a blatant disregard for the rules. You, throwing around food of any sort is prohibited during times of eating. You'll be asked to leave if you can't comply. Put down that-Mapo tofu? In a place like this... You're offering it to me? This seat appears to be clean enough to sit in. Once I've had a taste I'll get back to...
What was it I was doing before now? It must have been time for lunch if I ended up all the way out here. There's no other explanation. Ah, that's right, isn't it? Thank you for reminding me, Miss Elizabeth Sayre.
Poll So?
Character: Mindy Macready (Hit-Girl)
Series: Kick-Ass (movie)
Character Age: 13
Canon: One day a comic book nerd with no powers, no training, and no idea what he's actually doing decides to become a superhero. Dubbing himself "Kick-Ass" he sets off to make the world a better place one lost kitten at a time. But things don't go as planned- kicking off a trend for vigilante justice has consequences, which Kick-Ass discovers when he meets Damon and Mindy Macready, a father-daughter duo who fight crime under the names Big Daddy and Hit-Girl.
Out for revenge on a local mob boss, Damon's trained his daughter Mindy to be a dangerous assassin and crime fighter. Mindy spends her days learning important things like martial arts, the proper use of a variety of weapons, and the ever important How to Take a Bullet to the Chest Without Whining. Her training means she doesn't have time for things like school and friends, but Mindy doesn't mind&mdash years of reading comic books have taught her that superheroes need to make sacrifices for the sake of justice. Mature for her age, Mindy's sarcastic, foul-mouthed, and quick to call idiots out on their bullshit. Under it all, though, she's still a kid who craves attention and loves spending time with her daddy, even if that bonding time involves slaughtering a warehouse full of thugs.
Sample Post:
...is that supposed to be a zombie? Huh, so a summer camp named Camp Fuck You Die isn't just a place where assholes can make lanyards, sing kumbaya, and go oooh and aaah and shit it's trying to grab me! at the thing on the silo? I never would've guessed! It's not like naming your cover operation something intimidating to keep people from looking too closely happens all the time in horror movies and cartoons. Next time, to be even sneakier, they should put up a sign that says 'SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITIES GOING ON.' Seriously, all the campers and counselors who showed up here not expecting a fight must have shit for brains.
I mean, come on. It's not like it's hard to see that this is a pretty fucked up place for a summer camp. There are piles of weapons just laying around every building! How is that not an obvious clue that something weird is going on? I'll give you that weapons aren't anything special, just typical hillbilly shotguns. But this group is headed by a woman so batshit she puts her bodyguards in zombie costumes- she's not gonna get top-of-the-line gear. And these are pretty far from top of the line. What are they, Winchester 97's?
Whatever they are, it's not like they'd actually be effective anywhere other than bugfuck nowhere. And they're not even all that helpful on this stupid farm! Gimme a sawed-off instead. Short range, plenty of firepower, and perfect for a place where I can barely see a foot in front of my goddamn face 'cuz of all the stupid corn. But I'll work with what I have for now, since it should be more than enough to take care of this goon in the zombie costume. And once I'm finished with him, I'll find the Director and take that bitch out. So say your prayers, cocksucker-
-fuck! Not only're these shitty looking, but they can't even shoot a single round?! Fucking useless! When I shoot a guy at this range, I want to pull the trigger and see his brains go flying. I don't want some stupid little flag that says 'bang' popping out! Covered in goddamn sparkles, too, and a stupid sparkly smiley face. What is this, a pump action by Lisa Frank?! I know I loaded this thing and checked it out before looking around, too, so it's gotta be the gun's fault.
Fine then. First, I'm going to shove this so far up this zombie's asshole that they're gonna find glitter in his brain. Once that's done, and I find a gun that actually works? I'm going after the Director. And what I do to her isn't going to have a fucking smiley face on it.
Poll So?
Character: Napoleon Bonaparte
Series: After School Charisma
Character Age: about 17 to 18
Canon: St. Kleio Academy is a school that is very exclusive, all the students that attend are clones of famous historical figures. Kamiya Shiro, son of Dr. Kamiya, is the exception to this, and as he adapts to this environment full of teenage clones as they go through their schooling years, the first graduate, John F. Kennedy's clone, is assassinated, much like the original. Shiro soon finds himself caught up in the events that follow that assassination, causing him and his friends to ask "Are clones destined to repeat the past?"
Napoleon Bonaparte is one of Shiro's friends, and as his name suggests, he is the clone of the famous French emperor. The "Quintessential Egomaniac", Napoleon is a proud guy, one who would rather accomplish anything and everything through his own skills and abilities, which he has a lot of confidence in. He cares a lot for his friends, helping them whenever they need help in whatever way he can help, though he does feel that they should take care of their own problems on their own. Not believing in things such as destiny and chance, Napoleon prefers to pave his own path and that what happens, happens.
Like the fact he's already taller then the original!
Sample Post:
I’ve never left the school grounds before, but I guess if Dr. Kamiya says it’s fine, then I’ll be all right. Right now, I’ll just be like Marie Curie! Except I won’t be transferring schools. Instead, I’ll be on a “learning experience trip”, or at least that’s what I was told . . . I just really hope that the school director isn’t a part of this whole thing. Running into him here would be the only thing that would make this trip suck, and I don’t need him trying to give me another lesson. The last one was bad enough.
So this is what it’s like on the outside. I didn’t imagine that there would actually be zombies out here . . . Right, so do you think any of you guys would be able to tell me exactly where I am, if you could actually say something other then “braaaains”? I wasn’t told anything. I was just pushed onto a plane at school and before I knew it, we were in the air, flying towards . . . where ever this place is. In flight, they told me that we were on our way to some camp in Louisiana, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much corn in all the pictures I’ve seen of Louisiana. But this is still the United States, right? Just somewhere in Midwest then? Hmm . . .
All right, I think can understand why I’m here. This is still the land of the Louisiana Purchase, the land deal my original, Napoleon Bonaparte, made that doubled the size of the United States back in 1803. Am I right? Of course I am! I know everything there is to know about my original, and I think I now know what this learning experience is supposed to be all about.
I’m supposed to exceed all the accomplishments that my original did, and the Louisiana Purchase is something that I can do right now, and it’s not like I can lead an army throughout Europe, conquering everything I can. I don’t think most Europeans would react well to that sort of thing in this day and age. But I can’t really sell Louisiana back to America either . . . Ah, got it.
It’ll be kinda like a simulation. I’ll go out with you guys as my army, and “retake” all of Louisiana again. Then once that’s done, I’ll make a deal with the President and sell Louisiana back to him, you know, once I keep hold of it for a while. That’ll work, but if I’m going to retake all of Louisiana, it’ll be better for me to start at one end, and not in the middle. It’ll be easy to “retake” all this land with an army of the undead that’ll cause our opponents to quit in fear. Your great General Napoleon says we should head south, and start with the city that started this deal, New Orleans. Let’s get moving!
Wait, what do you mean you are “le tired”?! Well, then, I don’t know, go take a nap or something and put yourselves back together. . . Geez, I bet my original didn’t have to deal with this.
Poll So?
Character: Kaitou Daiki
Series: Kamen Rider Decade
Character Age: 18~19
Canon: Decade is the story of an amnesiac world hobo named Kadoya Tsukasa and his friends. Nothing is known about Tsukasa aside from the fact that he transforms into a plastic suit-clad warrior named Kamen Rider Decade, and that he has to journey through different Rider worlds to collect cards that could grant him powers. Tsukasa and friends use the Hikari Studio to travel between the worlds, where they need to do something to acquire cards. This usually means solving the world's problems through fighting bad guys. There's also a rumor going around that Decade will destroy the worlds if he continues his journey, but no one's really sure about that, except for that one mysterious guy who seems intent to blame everything on Decade.
Enter Kaitou Daiki, a world-hopping treasure thief who only steals the most valuable of things. Though Daiki seems to know Tsukasa, no one knows anything about Daiki. Not that he's particularly helpful, either, because aside from keeping his origins secret, he also travels and acts alone. All he cares about is grabbing the most precious treasure in each world for himself, and he'll do whatever it takes to get it without regard for anyone else. Deceiving, attacking, and/or trolling are some of his favorite tactics. When he realizes he won't gain anything in a battle, don't rely on him sticking around. He just does whatever he wants and goes wherever the treasure is.
One of his stolen treasures can transform him into Kamen Rider DiEnd, and he does also fight evil and stuff, or at least when he's not trolling Decade/other people. So he's not entirely heartless, though any form of good will on his part will always be blanketed by a more selfish reason.
Sample Post:
Okay! So now that I'm in the world of Camp Fuck You Die, I'm going to take its treasure, and you're going to tell me where it is, Director.
Who am I? Who knows? What matters more is that you should cooperate with me, because I've been through a lot of trouble to meet you, including fighting off zombies that attacked me and some campers. Something about the zombies needing to replace their chafing overalls. Come to think of it, I never did know if those campers got out safely and with full clothing intact, but there wasn't any point in me staying with them to fight off zombies. Do you know how many worlds I've crossed that had some form of undead monster? They're not a rare and precious type of creature at all.
You get it now, don't you? I'm not here to make friends, sing happy camp songs, or accept hugs, no matter how insistent those plants are. I'm only after the most valuable treasure in each world, so could you stop being so stubborn and tell me where it is already? Sorry if I'm being rude, but I was born like that. And it's not like you're any better. After all, I know the reason why your fiancé doesn't show himself to you is because you're really uptight and uncooperative, among other things. In fact, your fiancé's alive and has been around camp several times. It's also obvious he's hiding from you, and it's not like I can blame him if you insist on being that way. Now it's up to you if you want to believe me, but I'm always sure about my information, so let's make a deal if you really want it. You'll tell me where I can find the treasure, and I'll tell you where and when your fiancé's going to return. You don't have anything to lose, and I don't have any use for information on your fiancé otherwise, so it will benefit us both, right?
Great! I'm listening... Wait, so the treasure is guarded by someone named Marcy? And that she's somewhat... exceedingly touchy? Well, that's just fine with me; It's nothing I can't take on with my powers. Alright! Since you've told me where to find it, it's time for my part of the deal. Now listen carefully: Actually... I don't know anything about your fiancé. Hey, don't look at me like that; it's not like I said I was trustworthy, and it's also your fault for being so gullible. Shouldn't a director be more careful about giving out confidential information like that? And you even gave it so freely to someone you didn't know at all.
Well! I should get going, and don't try to convince me otherwise, because I alone decide what to do for myself. Now that I know where the treasure is, it's time for me to take it, and not even Marcy's suspiciously enthusiastic tentacles can get in my way!
Poll So?
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
VOTE closed o7
Character: Subaru Kujo
Series: Sakura Wars: So Long, My Love
Character Age: Unknown, looks like a teenager
Canon: Ah, New York in the Roaring Twenties, that magical land of freedom and opportunity! A place where everyone can reach their dreams! A place where a janitor can become an actress, a former gang member can become a lawyer, And a bunch of young women can from a theatre troupe while moonlighting as the pilots of steam-powered transforming robots! Naturally, their main opponent is an effeminate demonic bunny-boy who plans on reviving the demon lord, Oda Nobunaga. Because historical accuracy is for people who don't have steam-powered camera phones in their pocket watches.
Not all of these demon-fighters are young girls, though; one of them is Subaru, whose age is a mystery and whose gender is probably best described as "neither". Subaru is highly intelligent, an accomplished actor in both traditional Japanese and Western styles, and calm even in the heat of battle. Unfortunately, Subaru is also an arrogant perfectionist who doesn't suffer fools gladly. Subaru is not without a softer side, though, and does have a sense of humor (albeit one that sometimes comes at the expense of others). When not performing or defending New York from the forces of evil using fans that are somehow capable of blocking swords, Subaru enjoys speaking in the third person (but only sometimes) and making men wear dresses.
(On a minor side note, the Sakura Wars series loves to have its characters reference media that by all rights shouldn't exist yet, like James Bond movies or West Side Story, so any anachronisms of that sort are meant in the spirit of the canon.)
Sample Post:
Really, this is pathetic. You call yourselves actors? Well, you don't seem to call yourselves anything, since that would require you to be somewhat more eloquent than you actually are, but you're clearly attempting a theatrical performance of some sort - "attempting" being the key word. Allow Subaru to give you a few suggestions. And do sit still and listen properly, or you'll soon find out just how much damage fans can do. ... No, I wasn't talking about the audience of your last play. Anyway, they don't sound like they can have been very big fans if they dropped a robotic cow on the stage.
Well, never mind, your previous production doesn't matter now. Let's discuss the problems with your current one. First of all, there's the issue of your choice of play. Subaru has heard of Death of a Salesman, but an undead salesman is another matter entirely. I suppose you haven't got much choice considering the state of most of your actors - and the living ones present difficulties of their own - but having him be dead to begin with defeats the entire purpose of the play. One might as well have an all-undead production of Hamlet. Making Hamlet's father a zombie ghost would be the very least of the problems that would entail. ... No, of course Subaru hasn't been looking at your secret plans for your next show. I wasn't aware you had plans. After all, you barely seem to have thought this play through.
Speaking of which, your casting could be much better as well. Your leading actor can't enunciate at all, and when all one can say is "bargaaaains", one might as well learn to say it clearly enough to actually be understood by the audience. And while it may be an interesting visual metaphor to have the wife literally fall apart over the course of the show, in Subaru's opinion it's creating too much of a distraction for all involved. Here, why don't you try standing in for her instead? Yes, I'm aware that you aren't a woman. Trust me, with the proper costuming no one will notice a thing. I have quite a bit of experience in this area, and it's amazing what one can do with makeup and a bit of confidence.
Well, that and Subaru doesn't think most people can tell the difference between male and female toucans to begin with.
Poll So?
Character: Narumi Akiko
Series: Kamen Rider Double
Age: 20
Canon: Akiko went to Fuuto City to track down her missing father, detective Narumi Soukichi. What she found instead was the Narumi Detective Agency, run by Shoutarou, a hard-boiled detective half-boiled idiot, and Philip, a boy with a library in his head. (They're her best friends.) Between them, they are Kamen Rider Double. They fight to protect Fuuto from those who would destroy it with GaiaMemories, which transform ordinary humans into superpowered Dopants.
Akiko's a bubbly, enthusiastic person with a keen business sense, though she helps people for their own sake as well as for money. She flails a lot, thinks Shoutarou's an idiot, but she stands by him and Philip no matter what. She's not a fighter. She's not really a lover, either. But what she is, is a gutsy, surprisingly good, proactive detective who makes mistakes but always puts her clients first, even if it'll get her hurt. She doesn't sit around waiting for the boys to have all the fun. She helps with their cases and takes on her own. She'll help anyone, adults, children, thieves, and even an insanely creepy little doll who beat up another Kamen Rider. Her main weapons are a green slipper and a screech that could shatter glass, but she's also pretty good at the steely eyed stare.
Sample post:
I called you all here today because I, Narumi Akiko the great detective, have made a deduction! Now that I have gathered you all here, I can take you all along with me on my deductive journey. Please sit back, be quiet (though shocked gasps are, of course, acceptable!), hold onto your various appendages, and prepare to be thrilled!
I know who ate the last cookie.
Hey, hey, hey, you over there, you sit down and be quiet, please, this is MY moment. Yes, because I am not half boiled, I have figured this out! I know, for example, that it's not you, Tentacle Monster-san. Your tentacles are all gooey and disgusting -- uh, no offense -- and I really don't see you being able to fit through that tiny window up there.
I was also able to cross you off my list, Scary Parrot-san, on account of how you have been sitting on my shoulder for the last six hours and you haven't moved from there, even though I've asked you politely to stop doing yucky things down my back and I've also informed you, not so politely, that I'm a DETECTIVE, not a PIRATE, and detectives generally don't have parrots on their shoulders. Well, I guess THIS one does. I shall be a detective nonetheless, for detectives soldier on no matter what and protect their clients! Even if said client is no longer with us. But still moving. I shall not discriminate against the undead, however, for the boss of the Narumi Detective Agency does not discriminate!
You know, it's much easier to do a dramatic detective-y prowl around you all if there are no unpleasant things on the ground to step on. I really do not like these oozing puddles, and must question the dietary habits of some of you.
...what was I saying?
Oh, yes, the cookie. I have dusted for fingerprints, hoof prints, beak prints, and claw prints. I have spoken to the word on the street. I have even questioned the very birds of the air! Mostly what they said to me was "AWK", but still, I questioned them, for there are no lengths to which I will not go!
My answer? Was that I ate it myself. I, uh, forgot. I'M SORRY, OKAY? I WAS HUNGRY.
Poll So?
Character: Tachibana Kanade
Series: Angel Beats!
Age: Roughly mid-teens
Canon: Due to some unfortunate happenstances in life, many find themselves dead at a young age and suddenly thrust into a place known as the afterlife. Here, those unlucky enough to have bit the bullet before realizing their dreams have another shot at achieving what they want-by going back to school and living like a normal student! You do that, you disappear and go on your merry way to... somewhere. Just where that "somewhere" happens to be is what a group of teens known as the Afterlife Battlefront are trying to figure out. Too bad the student council president-an enemy the team dubs "Angel"-seems to be against the idea, wanting the Afterlife Battlefront to adhere to school rules and move on quickly like all the others. Every night, the two sides clash in a struggle to prevent themselves from disappearing without getting the answers they seek. They might die trying, but that's okay. What's dying a few times here and there when you have unlimited lives?
This so called "Angel" ends up being, well, not an angel at all! Despite having a near indestructible body and superb fighting skills, Tachibana Kanade is a normal teenager. She's a "get it done right away" sort of girl; there's no time for small talk when students are neglecting the rules. Though her motives to the Afterlife Battlefront seem cruel, in reality she wants nothing more but for them to pass on peacefully. Once the team becomes aware of this, their opinions of her change. They see that she is nothing more than a girl of select few words who gave up making friends in the afterlife once she realized they would disappear. After this revelation, she follows a specific member's lead to help students make their dreams come true... Even if that means following ridiculous plans blindly. No excuse or idea is too silly for her oblivious nature, which often leads to her doing anything she's asked without question. This, combined with her straight to the point communication style that makes her seem almost robotic, lends a hand in her rather awkward dealings with people.
It's important to note her love of mapo tofu; a love so strong that she'll even forget about school rules just to get a taste of it.
Sample:
Miss Elizabeth Sayre, I've gone over and familiarized myself with the changes to the rules as well as the layout of the campsite. There are a number of puzzling rules, though, specifically the banned items. I can recognize the majority of them, however there are some I'll need to get a description of in case of camper violation. I can't confiscate a "macarena" if I don't learn to identify it first. The stricter rules are easier to spot and correct. I reprimanded an offending gorilla earlier who was almost in direct violation of the rule involving intimate relations. He won't be a problem again. If he is, speak to me and I'll see to it that he receives punishment accordingly. I took my position as student council president very serious, Miss Elizabeth Sayre. As Director of the camp, you will no longer have anything to worry about. I will take the job of camp rule enforcer as seriously as I did my last position.
What was that you said? Occasionally it's hard to understand you, Miss Elizabeth Sayre. When we met, it took me a moment to realize that you were indeed the one in charge of this camp; from what I've heard about you, I wasn't convinced you could be the same person until you identified yourself. I'm certain that only the real Elizabeth Sayre would call themselves by that name- Excuse me, I didn't catch that, either. Your lack of tongue makes communication between us difficult. With your health in such a deteriorating state it must be hard to keep an eye on everyone. You can barely walk let alone see. With my fully functioning body parts, I will ensure everyone falls into line.
Right now, we are standing outside of the Mess Hall. I wanted you to witness firsthand my dedication to this position you've bestowed upon me. Earlier I overheard a group of your campers going over their plans to disrupt meal time by throwing the contents of their meals around the room. According to similar things I've witnessed before, this will lead to other severe activities that will cause chaos among the campers. I'll put a stop now to their troubling activities as soon as I open this door-
-I've arrived too late it would seem. The individuals here are already underway of taking the name "Mess Hall" literally. Why has nothing been done in the past to prevent incidents like this? This is a blatant disregard for the rules. You, throwing around food of any sort is prohibited during times of eating. You'll be asked to leave if you can't comply. Put down that-Mapo tofu? In a place like this... You're offering it to me? This seat appears to be clean enough to sit in. Once I've had a taste I'll get back to...
What was it I was doing before now? It must have been time for lunch if I ended up all the way out here. There's no other explanation. Ah, that's right, isn't it? Thank you for reminding me, Miss Elizabeth Sayre.
Poll So?
Character: Mindy Macready (Hit-Girl)
Series: Kick-Ass (movie)
Character Age: 13
Canon: One day a comic book nerd with no powers, no training, and no idea what he's actually doing decides to become a superhero. Dubbing himself "Kick-Ass" he sets off to make the world a better place one lost kitten at a time. But things don't go as planned- kicking off a trend for vigilante justice has consequences, which Kick-Ass discovers when he meets Damon and Mindy Macready, a father-daughter duo who fight crime under the names Big Daddy and Hit-Girl.
Out for revenge on a local mob boss, Damon's trained his daughter Mindy to be a dangerous assassin and crime fighter. Mindy spends her days learning important things like martial arts, the proper use of a variety of weapons, and the ever important How to Take a Bullet to the Chest Without Whining. Her training means she doesn't have time for things like school and friends, but Mindy doesn't mind&mdash years of reading comic books have taught her that superheroes need to make sacrifices for the sake of justice. Mature for her age, Mindy's sarcastic, foul-mouthed, and quick to call idiots out on their bullshit. Under it all, though, she's still a kid who craves attention and loves spending time with her daddy, even if that bonding time involves slaughtering a warehouse full of thugs.
Sample Post:
...is that supposed to be a zombie? Huh, so a summer camp named Camp Fuck You Die isn't just a place where assholes can make lanyards, sing kumbaya, and go oooh and aaah and shit it's trying to grab me! at the thing on the silo? I never would've guessed! It's not like naming your cover operation something intimidating to keep people from looking too closely happens all the time in horror movies and cartoons. Next time, to be even sneakier, they should put up a sign that says 'SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITIES GOING ON.' Seriously, all the campers and counselors who showed up here not expecting a fight must have shit for brains.
I mean, come on. It's not like it's hard to see that this is a pretty fucked up place for a summer camp. There are piles of weapons just laying around every building! How is that not an obvious clue that something weird is going on? I'll give you that weapons aren't anything special, just typical hillbilly shotguns. But this group is headed by a woman so batshit she puts her bodyguards in zombie costumes- she's not gonna get top-of-the-line gear. And these are pretty far from top of the line. What are they, Winchester 97's?
Whatever they are, it's not like they'd actually be effective anywhere other than bugfuck nowhere. And they're not even all that helpful on this stupid farm! Gimme a sawed-off instead. Short range, plenty of firepower, and perfect for a place where I can barely see a foot in front of my goddamn face 'cuz of all the stupid corn. But I'll work with what I have for now, since it should be more than enough to take care of this goon in the zombie costume. And once I'm finished with him, I'll find the Director and take that bitch out. So say your prayers, cocksucker-
-fuck! Not only're these shitty looking, but they can't even shoot a single round?! Fucking useless! When I shoot a guy at this range, I want to pull the trigger and see his brains go flying. I don't want some stupid little flag that says 'bang' popping out! Covered in goddamn sparkles, too, and a stupid sparkly smiley face. What is this, a pump action by Lisa Frank?! I know I loaded this thing and checked it out before looking around, too, so it's gotta be the gun's fault.
Fine then. First, I'm going to shove this so far up this zombie's asshole that they're gonna find glitter in his brain. Once that's done, and I find a gun that actually works? I'm going after the Director. And what I do to her isn't going to have a fucking smiley face on it.
Poll So?
Character: Napoleon Bonaparte
Series: After School Charisma
Character Age: about 17 to 18
Canon: St. Kleio Academy is a school that is very exclusive, all the students that attend are clones of famous historical figures. Kamiya Shiro, son of Dr. Kamiya, is the exception to this, and as he adapts to this environment full of teenage clones as they go through their schooling years, the first graduate, John F. Kennedy's clone, is assassinated, much like the original. Shiro soon finds himself caught up in the events that follow that assassination, causing him and his friends to ask "Are clones destined to repeat the past?"
Napoleon Bonaparte is one of Shiro's friends, and as his name suggests, he is the clone of the famous French emperor. The "Quintessential Egomaniac", Napoleon is a proud guy, one who would rather accomplish anything and everything through his own skills and abilities, which he has a lot of confidence in. He cares a lot for his friends, helping them whenever they need help in whatever way he can help, though he does feel that they should take care of their own problems on their own. Not believing in things such as destiny and chance, Napoleon prefers to pave his own path and that what happens, happens.
Like the fact he's already taller then the original!
Sample Post:
I’ve never left the school grounds before, but I guess if Dr. Kamiya says it’s fine, then I’ll be all right. Right now, I’ll just be like Marie Curie! Except I won’t be transferring schools. Instead, I’ll be on a “learning experience trip”, or at least that’s what I was told . . . I just really hope that the school director isn’t a part of this whole thing. Running into him here would be the only thing that would make this trip suck, and I don’t need him trying to give me another lesson. The last one was bad enough.
So this is what it’s like on the outside. I didn’t imagine that there would actually be zombies out here . . . Right, so do you think any of you guys would be able to tell me exactly where I am, if you could actually say something other then “braaaains”? I wasn’t told anything. I was just pushed onto a plane at school and before I knew it, we were in the air, flying towards . . . where ever this place is. In flight, they told me that we were on our way to some camp in Louisiana, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much corn in all the pictures I’ve seen of Louisiana. But this is still the United States, right? Just somewhere in Midwest then? Hmm . . .
All right, I think can understand why I’m here. This is still the land of the Louisiana Purchase, the land deal my original, Napoleon Bonaparte, made that doubled the size of the United States back in 1803. Am I right? Of course I am! I know everything there is to know about my original, and I think I now know what this learning experience is supposed to be all about.
I’m supposed to exceed all the accomplishments that my original did, and the Louisiana Purchase is something that I can do right now, and it’s not like I can lead an army throughout Europe, conquering everything I can. I don’t think most Europeans would react well to that sort of thing in this day and age. But I can’t really sell Louisiana back to America either . . . Ah, got it.
It’ll be kinda like a simulation. I’ll go out with you guys as my army, and “retake” all of Louisiana again. Then once that’s done, I’ll make a deal with the President and sell Louisiana back to him, you know, once I keep hold of it for a while. That’ll work, but if I’m going to retake all of Louisiana, it’ll be better for me to start at one end, and not in the middle. It’ll be easy to “retake” all this land with an army of the undead that’ll cause our opponents to quit in fear. Your great General Napoleon says we should head south, and start with the city that started this deal, New Orleans. Let’s get moving!
Wait, what do you mean you are “le tired”?! Well, then, I don’t know, go take a nap or something and put yourselves back together. . . Geez, I bet my original didn’t have to deal with this.
Poll So?
Character: Kaitou Daiki
Series: Kamen Rider Decade
Character Age: 18~19
Canon: Decade is the story of an amnesiac world hobo named Kadoya Tsukasa and his friends. Nothing is known about Tsukasa aside from the fact that he transforms into a plastic suit-clad warrior named Kamen Rider Decade, and that he has to journey through different Rider worlds to collect cards that could grant him powers. Tsukasa and friends use the Hikari Studio to travel between the worlds, where they need to do something to acquire cards. This usually means solving the world's problems through fighting bad guys. There's also a rumor going around that Decade will destroy the worlds if he continues his journey, but no one's really sure about that, except for that one mysterious guy who seems intent to blame everything on Decade.
Enter Kaitou Daiki, a world-hopping treasure thief who only steals the most valuable of things. Though Daiki seems to know Tsukasa, no one knows anything about Daiki. Not that he's particularly helpful, either, because aside from keeping his origins secret, he also travels and acts alone. All he cares about is grabbing the most precious treasure in each world for himself, and he'll do whatever it takes to get it without regard for anyone else. Deceiving, attacking, and/or trolling are some of his favorite tactics. When he realizes he won't gain anything in a battle, don't rely on him sticking around. He just does whatever he wants and goes wherever the treasure is.
One of his stolen treasures can transform him into Kamen Rider DiEnd, and he does also fight evil and stuff, or at least when he's not trolling Decade/other people. So he's not entirely heartless, though any form of good will on his part will always be blanketed by a more selfish reason.
Sample Post:
Okay! So now that I'm in the world of Camp Fuck You Die, I'm going to take its treasure, and you're going to tell me where it is, Director.
Who am I? Who knows? What matters more is that you should cooperate with me, because I've been through a lot of trouble to meet you, including fighting off zombies that attacked me and some campers. Something about the zombies needing to replace their chafing overalls. Come to think of it, I never did know if those campers got out safely and with full clothing intact, but there wasn't any point in me staying with them to fight off zombies. Do you know how many worlds I've crossed that had some form of undead monster? They're not a rare and precious type of creature at all.
You get it now, don't you? I'm not here to make friends, sing happy camp songs, or accept hugs, no matter how insistent those plants are. I'm only after the most valuable treasure in each world, so could you stop being so stubborn and tell me where it is already? Sorry if I'm being rude, but I was born like that. And it's not like you're any better. After all, I know the reason why your fiancé doesn't show himself to you is because you're really uptight and uncooperative, among other things. In fact, your fiancé's alive and has been around camp several times. It's also obvious he's hiding from you, and it's not like I can blame him if you insist on being that way. Now it's up to you if you want to believe me, but I'm always sure about my information, so let's make a deal if you really want it. You'll tell me where I can find the treasure, and I'll tell you where and when your fiancé's going to return. You don't have anything to lose, and I don't have any use for information on your fiancé otherwise, so it will benefit us both, right?
Great! I'm listening... Wait, so the treasure is guarded by someone named Marcy? And that she's somewhat... exceedingly touchy? Well, that's just fine with me; It's nothing I can't take on with my powers. Alright! Since you've told me where to find it, it's time for my part of the deal. Now listen carefully: Actually... I don't know anything about your fiancé. Hey, don't look at me like that; it's not like I said I was trustworthy, and it's also your fault for being so gullible. Shouldn't a director be more careful about giving out confidential information like that? And you even gave it so freely to someone you didn't know at all.
Well! I should get going, and don't try to convince me otherwise, because I alone decide what to do for myself. Now that I know where the treasure is, it's time for me to take it, and not even Marcy's suspiciously enthusiastic tentacles can get in my way!
Poll So?