(no subject)
Next up! ♥ There's a dup at the end of this one.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed~!
Character: Frodo Baggins
Series: The Lord of the Rings - [movieverse]
Character Age: 50+
Counselor Job: Ring-Bearer
Canon: Remember kids, if you're ever battling against the armies of good, attach your life force to a Ring of Power. Which is what the Dark Lord Sauron did and thus, he escaped death. And the Ring of Power he used? Was lost for countless of years until it was discovered by a peace-loving hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins. Unfortunately for Middle-Earth, Sauron seems to want his precious ring back at any cost. Fortunately, for Bilbo who's gotten too old for adventures has passed it down to Frodo, who sets off on a quest to destroy the ring once and for all.
Bookish and soft-spoken, Frodo is very unlike normal hobbits who have more of a penchant for food and drink. Yet despite that, Frodo has an inner optimistic quality of him and a backbone too, willing to stand up for what he feels is right, even at the cost to himself. Still, that doesn't mean Frodo is without any flaws as he can be quite irritable when he's questioned, often lashing out without thinking of the consequences. Carrying the burden of the Ring has filled his life with a bittersweet air, but kind and trusting, Frodo Baggins keeps on hoping. After all, he's not alone.
Frodo is taken from just after Aragorn's coronation ceremony.
Sample Post
This is a special occasion, one that shall be honoured throughout the ages. For the union of two different, yet unique people are coming together in this day, and such moments must be treasured as they will be a beacon. At least, that is what I foresee and what I hope, for this was my true purpose, beyond any other. The Shadow has left us with a taint, a taint that still lingers among you. Yes, you know of what I speak of. I see it in your hollow stare, the fatigue of your limbs as they slowly ruin you. It seems that your trials have not yet been overcome and for that... I am sorry. I can only hope that these ill-effects will soon pass. Yes, hope is all I have to offer right now and this small task that I've been entrusted with. Don't let your hearts fall into despair, morning has come. It has already started with this union that I have stumbled upon by chance and it gladdens me even though this place seems to be bogged down by other misfortunes. ... Perhaps I should not talk of them, for the very word of them seems to ring throughout this place in pain. No, I am the Ring-Bearer and for once, that task gives me joy.
For today, Lady Marcy of the Purple Lake will take Master Graggh of the Festering Marshes as her husband. I suppose it does seem odd at first glance, but we must never judge a book by its cover, or I suppose you could say we mustn't judge Marcy by her hobbies. We all have some flaw in us that may seem striking and beyond our comprehension, but surely it's simply a matter of acceptance. And if Master Graggh, son of Braaaaaaaaains can love Marcy for all that she is, then the least we could do is show a little compassion. Come on! This is, as I said earlier, a new day. Let us be rid of our preconceptions and give them our blessings. If we continue to carry the weight of past sins, well then, I suppose no amount of light can clear a clouded mind. We mustn't close our eyes to what is before us and yes, that may be hypocritical of me, but I have passed through fire and whip and I have learned. And I am proud to give Master Graggh, son of Braaaaaaaaains this ring so that he may be wedded with no fear. Have you made your choices? Remember, you will need to live with them. As well as living with the new-found coupling. Don't try to avert your eyes for you can only veil yourself in your ignorance for so long.
I see you have changed your minds. Then we should see this through to the end. Now, Master Graggh, may I present you with your wedding ring. I wish you with everlasting peace and longevity ... more than you already have. And to Lady Marcy of the Purple Lake, I am glad you are no longer lonely.. No one should experience what it is like to be lonely? not even you. I've had my taste of it and it was bitter. I suppose, even though you are so far apart, the need to be together is strengthened?! to overcome such feelings. Yes, that's how it should be. Though, Master Graggh, a word of caution. You had better put a ring on her soon and I do hope that you can pinpoint which is her ring tentacle. Otherwise, this might be a shorter union than expected.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Samwise Gamgee
Series: The Lord of the Rings (movieverse)
Age: 39
Job: Camp Gardener
Canon: Once upon a time, there existed a Dark Lord called Sauron, who obtained unimaginable power thanks to a ring he created. Thankfully for Middle-Earth, karma came to bite him in the ass and the Dark Lord became powerless when the ring was taken away from him. Forced to wait in the shadows until he could get it back, the long lost ring ends up with a peaceful Hobbit called Frodo Baggings. And so, after learning the truth about the ring, he decides to leave on a journey to destroy it forever.
Brave, honest and extremely loyal, Samwise Gamgee is Frodo's devoted gardener and one of his companions on his quest. Unwilling to give up hope at any cost, Sam has an incredible inner-strength that allows him to be optimistic even in the darkest hour. Despite this, Sam tends to be more skeptical than his master and he doesn't hesitates to speak up when necessary. He's different from others of his race because of his deep interest in elves, adventures, and poetry instead only following a peaceful simple life. In general, Sam is very humble and he has a plain but polite way of speech.
Notes: "Big Folks" is a way Hobbits refer to humans and "The Gaffer" is a title that belongs to Sam's father.
Sample Post:
Beggin' your pardon, Big Folks of The Grand Cornfields, sirs. Name's Samwise Gamgee and I am but just a Hobbit of the Shire who has come here to help you as your supplementary gardener in this time of need.
Let me say, it doesn't come as a surprise just how far the darkness has spread into the west, even after the end of the war. Aye, I can tell it must be disheartening to have fallen into such a decomposing state because of it, but Ms. Sayre has assured me she'll dig up the best ways to help you all. To dissipate that darkness, if you follow me. She's already started by finding you a more peaceful and fuzzy place to live, hasn't she? I heard you've had to make do with living in a swamp in the past years, and to me? There's nothing worse than living in one of those, outside of living inside a volcano, maybe. So don't despair and lose hope, because even in the darkest hour there's always a ray of light that shine bright and warm in our hearts. Those are the things you should focus on while you wait until that new day comes. A new day without your disease. But for now, your hands are needed to make of your lands a better place.
. . . That wasn't meant to be taken literally, really. Please put your hands back on, sirs? I need your green thumbs on you, after all. Thank you, that was something I would've liked to avoid seeing. Now, as kind as Ms. Sayre is, it's easy to notice there's a lot of work to get done round here. My job is to improve the lands and make them into a beautiful garden, and for that to happen there's lots of plants we'd be better off without. Take that giant Venus Fly Trap, for example. It was bad enough when those plants ate insects and your average innocent bugs, but these ones are big enough to trap Hobbits in them. Not a friendly plant to have around, especially with those "Put it in" signs nearby. Another big worry is the corn smut, it looks like it's been spreadin' for some time and now there's too much smut everywhere. Don't snicker like that, it's a serious matter. Smut feeds off the corn plant and decreases the yield, see? But instead of just destroying the crops, we could make corn silage out of it and feed it to the cows I saw on my way here. Which reminds me of something, I didn't like the "Must be this tall to ride" sign next to them. Because, since when cows are for riding? A horse is better suited for such a task, and a cow is for milking anyway. All those will have to go, too.
So, what these lands need are more useful plants. Like dandelions instead of aconite, because the former is a very beautiful but handy plant that can be used to flavour and breed beer, and instead, the latter is a deadly poisonous that seems to have plagued a large part of the field. As The Gaffer used to tell me, a garden needs to be practical more than appealing to the eyes. Aye, looks like your diet is limited and quite lacking, but having some variety to choose from have never killed anyone. And quite frankly? You really need to make some radical changes; maybe you'd stop dropping limbs off everywhere if you did. There has to be a limit for the times you can stuck them back on, right?
Poll Vote!
Character: Tigger
Series: The Tigger Movie
Age: A year younger than Christopher Robin, but functions as an adult
Job: Camp's Bouncer
Canon: The Tigger Movie is a film about none other than one of the Hundred Acre Wood's most popular denizens, after Winnie the Pooh of course! In this quaint little story, Tigger comes to the realization that being the only Tigger isn't all it's cracked up to be and sets out to find his fellow Tiggers. After a few musical numbers and some heartwarming hijinks, Tiggers discovers that family is what you make it...or something like that.
Excitable and extroverted, Tigger is the most fun-loving character in the Hundred Acre Wood. Always up for a good time, Tigger likes to enjoy himself and isn't afraid to share his enjoyment with others. He believes in doing everything to the upmost (unless heights are involved), no matter how trivial the task at hand may seem. Unfortunately, his overt enthusiasm and overconfidence will sometimes lead him to take things to extremes. Of course, he means no harm. After all, being the best at things---whether it's saving his friends from an avalanche or bouncing---is what Tiggers do the best.
Note: All misspellings are intentional.
Sample Post: Now this is the kind of place I could get used to! Just look at it: the wide open spaces perfect for bouncing, a super-duper humongous swimming hole, complete with a tire swing for doin' cannonballs. And they even have a special place just for making messes! Someone must've known I was comin', hoo hoo hoo hoo! Why, there's so many choices, I hardly know which one to try first. This calls for some serious logistical consideration. Hmm...to the swimming hole!
Time to try out my Extra Special Tire Swing Cannonball Dive Bounce! And-a one, and-a two, and-a CANNONBALL! ...ha ha ha ha ha! I'm gonna have to try that again. Hey, somebody left their toy duck in here. Heh heh, it's kinda cute...wait a minute, that's a real ducky, not a rubber one! It's still cute, though. Hereeeee little ducky, come to Uncle Tigger. There you go, heh heh. Aren't you just the most adoribable little guy? Cootchie cootchie coo---OUCH! Hey, lemme go! Oh...oof! Hey, I got him off of me. Huh, those're some really sharp teeth for such a little guy. Oh well, I'll just go to the other side of the---hey, more duckies. Hey guys, up for a little swimming? Ha ha, of course you are! You're ducks!
Ha ha ha ha, that's a good o---uh-oh. AH! I'm gettin' out of here!
Oh, this place is no fun at all! I just spent the last few minutes being completeely terrified! Oh well, at least there's nothin' that can scare me in this cornfield. After all that runnin' away, I could use a little nap. Think I'll just r---hey! I'm tryin' ta nap here---oh, this is your spot? Sorry Mr. Ape, I'll just nap over here then. Say, when we wake up, wanna go bouncin' with me? What's that? You've never bounced before!? That's teribible. Lucky for you, you've got an expert bouncer like me ta show you the ropes. Who? WHy, me of course! After all, bouncin's what Tiggers do the be---you don't know what a Tigger is? Well, I'll tell ya! Better yet, I'll sing it!
The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one~
I'm the only one! Grrrrrrrr.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ted Kord (Blue Beetle)
Canon: DC Comics
Age: 30-something.
Job: Gun Safety Instructor
Canon: Ted Kord's mentor Professor Dan Garrett was killed while the two of them were on a mission to stop Ted's evil scientist uncle from conquering the world. A wild spring break apparently meant a different thing back then. Luckily, the horrible trauma of seeing his professor crushed under a pile of rubble was somewhat lessened by getting a totally sweet inheritance. Dan just happened to be the first Blue Beetle, and as he lay dying he passed the mantle to his favorite student. Unfortunately, Dan didn't manage to tell Ted how to access the mystical superpowers that were supposed to come with the job, so Ted had to Batman his way to superheroism through hard work, genius inventions, and conveniently being the head of a multimillion dollar company. Eventually his efforts got him recognition and admittance to the prestigious Justice League! Of course, by that time the League was kind of a joke and a refuge for losers and second-stringers, but Blue Beetle would definitely fight heroically until going out in a blaze of glory. Okay, the truth is that he had to retire a couple of times to fight his personal demons of weight problems and a vaguely defined heart condition, and then he died alone after being shot in the face by someone he had trusted and considered a friend for years. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
Although Ted does take his job as the second Blue Beetle seriously, not many people would guess it from his constant wisecracks and buffoonery. Other heroes usually regard him as a joke until they realize that his intellect and detective skills are among the best. However, just because he has the potential to be top-notch doesn't mean he has the maturity and dignity to avoid trouble. When he isn't fighting crime, he's usually planning an elaborate practical joke on one of his teammates or hatching a harebrained get-rich-quick scheme. Constantly repairing and updating all the fancy gear and gadgets that he designs and constructs himself puts quite a dent in his wallet. Even with all of this somewhat unheroic behavior, at heart he's just a regular guy trying to save the world.
Sample Post:
Hey, kids, here's a safety tip: don't get shot! Can I have my appearance fee now? ... What? You'll pay overtime? In that case, I guess I can stick around for a few more minutes. Or days. Okay, so more gun advice. No problem. Alright, here's another one: don't shoot people.
Actually, I guess those two cover most of it, but I really want that overtime so let's amend that last one to "don't shoot people, unless they deserve it." Not that I'm saying people deserve to be shot, but for the sake of argument, and a bigger paycheck, let's have a long talk about it. The feeble granny who grabs the last box of Twinkies at the grocery story does not deserve to be shot, as hard as it is to believe. Even if you got up early just to go buy them. There will always be more Twinkies. Now, if she tries to leave without paying for them, that makes her a criminal so you can at least point a gun at her, but try using your words first. No, I don't mean saying "bang bang" instead of pulling the trigger. Yell out "stop, thief!" or some impressive speech about justice. Maybe you should have one memorized just in case. If granny makes a break for it, then it's okay to send off a couple warning shots. She's a dirty rotten Twinkie snatcher after all, but do not hit her. The elderly are fragile and most of them take blood thinners. Conversely, if you find yourself with a gun aimed at you, then maybe you shouldn't have taken those snack cakes, you old bag! ... Sorry. This is kind of a sensitive issue for me. I'm trying to work through it.
Maybe I should address something more relevant to you guys - zombies. Yeah, don't think I haven't noticed. It's hard to miss all the screaming when I'm trying to give an important talk. Zombies are more of a morally gray issue than snack theft. On the one hand, they probably didn't become the shambling undead by choice and they're just trying to get by like everyone else, but on the other hand, they are seriously disgusting. Actually, you kids aren't helping keep things very pristine either. It's very difficult to shoot something in the head, but you just keep trying. I'd be inspired by your tenacity if your aim wasn't so horrible. The zombie is shuffling toward you, you're pumping lead into the ground, the zombie keeps shuffling, you hit a tree... And if you do manage to hit the target, it's like a rotten pumpkin exploding everywhere. This is making me a little sad for both sides. Hey, zombies! Did you know you can duck? You'rewelcome.
Listen, now that I've seen you guys in action, I'm really reconsidering this whole shotgun thing. I'm sure we'd all feel a lot better without the risk of getting a bullet to the eye. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make a special offer just for you. Today only I'll be selling genuine replicas of my famous BB Gun, the nonlethal firearm alternative. Knocks out villains in a flash - of light and compressed air! Ha ha! ... Because that's what it shoots instead of bullets. It's a joke. Heh. Uh, and it's great for kids! Get your Christmas shopping done early this year! If you act now, I'll throw in a free signed publicity photo. Look, it's a headshot. Hey, are you going to get your checkbook? That's cool, I'll just be here next to the, er, writhing vines oozing viscous fluid. Oh God, they're friendly! On second thought, I'm going to wait in the car.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: Boa Hancock
Series: One Piece
Age: probably mid-to-late twenties
Job: Teen Girls' Self Esteem Something Something Blahblahblah
Canon: Who's the pirate empress in red, that gets all the navy turned to stone and dead? HANCOCK! Ya damn right.
I hear Boa Hancock is one bad mother- SHUT YO MOUTH.
We're only talkin' 'bout Boa Hancock. THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
Sure, there's some stuff about growing up as a slave, magical pirate-world politic, and possession of a possibly literal fatal allergy to human emotions, but here's the shit you be really needin' to know. Boa Hancock is a stone cold bitch. In addition to being the single most mind-blowingly gorgeous lady on the entire planet, she is also queen of the Amazons. She has an entire island of DBZ-powered lesbian bitches that want her ass so badly that they can communally ignore her minor flaws (such a being a tyrannical despot who kicks any adorable baby animal she sees) so long as they get a wink or a smile from her now and then.
She is the most beautiful man woman or child on these waters, and the only thing that may possibly eclipses her beauty is her deadliness and bad attitude. To her, appearances are absolutely everything. She can do whatever to whoever she wants, and believes that her beauty excuses her behavior. And by and large? It does. So great are her charms, that even the most brutal abuse is forgiven with the bat of one perfect eyelash. Of course, it barely needs be said that she is willing to kill (or even die) to protect her image from the dark, shameful truth of her past as a slave.
Sample:
WHO DARES PUT THIS ADORABLE BABY PUPPY IN MY WAY!?
Well, no matter. I have given it a strong, elegant kick, and I imagine it has landed on or near the building over thatish way. Whichever fool it belongs to may collect it after class.
Now! I have been summoned here because you all do not think well of yourselves. In my infinite grace and generosity, I have agreed to help address this. First of all, it is correct that you feel awkward and inferior, for both are true! Normal people should not feel as good about themselves, unless they feel good about how lucky they are to be gazing upon me. You see, simple truth of the mater is that you are, in fact, not as beautiful as I. That is an important thing that you must face. Once you understand how fully inadequate you are, then and only then may you move on with your insignificant life and properly worship me.
There are many ramifications of your lack of beauty, and it is important that you understand them all. First of all you will not be forgiven for your sins. Sins are only forgiven for the most beautiful among us. (Again, for reference, this is me, not you.) I shall be forgiven for all that I do. You shall not. You shall not be desired by all that see you. Only the most beautiful are desired, and you are not beautiful. Are you following me, thus far? This is for your own good, after all, so I would not wish to go too quickly and confuse you.
To better understand the vast gulf between us, let us first examine my hair. My hair is ravenly and lustrous. Yours is limp. Or it is frizzy? Perhaps greasy? Well, I'm sure it's some of those things. To be honest, I'm not actually looking at you. To do so would make me vaguely nauseous. You don't want me to feel sick, do you? O-of course you don't. Who would ever want me to feel ill? N-no one would, of course . . . You, in the back, focus! You may swoon at my lovely and perfectly adorable, blushing, gentle nature later.
In any case, presumably it is vastly and unfathomably inferior to my own. Perhaps it is possible that is only good and solidly inferior. I am, after all, generous and wish to think the best of people. That's quite wonderful of me, is it not? Of course it is. You think all I do is wonderful, because, I am . . . BEAUTIFUL. (Oh dear. It seems I have looked down on them all so far that I have fallen over backwards. Let's pass it off as a maidenly swoon.)
Applicant #2
Character: Boa Hancock
Series: One Piece
Age: ~27
Job: Animal Control Officer
Canon: Twenty years ago, Pirate King Gol D. Roger was put to death as an example against piracy. Unfortunately for the marines, the king punk'd their asses and sparked the Great Age of Piracy by sending everyone on a treasure hunt. Enticed by the prospect of adventure and the mystery of Roger's legendary treasure, Monkey D. Luffy traverses the Grand Line with a sack of meat and water ... and promptly disregards Survival 101 by guzzling it all down within minutes. Lucky for him, he has his crewmates to keep him in line. All in all, One Piece is a series with everything, including Sad Blue-Nosed Reindeer in the Snow and shiny balls of gold. After a three-day flight via Bartholomew Kuma Airlines, Luffy finds himself in Amazon Lily-otherwise known as the Isle of Women-where he meets Pirate Empress Boa Hancock.
Known as the most beautiful woman in the world, Hancock is fully aware of her attractiveness and takes advantage of her charms and position whenever it suits her. Rather than act as a temptress to get what she wants, she behaves like a little girl by pouting after throwing an old lady out a window or claiming she is frightened to avoid government summons, and throws fits when unsuccessful. Introduced as a villain, she has little regard for her country and its people, and is prone to kicking cute animals. After eating the Mero Mero Fruit, or Love-Love Fruit, she has the ability to literally petrify those enamored of her. Haughtiness aside, Hancock has a ~*soft spot*~ for Luffy that ... really doesn't change her for the better, unless encouraging his voracious appetite and fantasizing about receiving praise counts as character development. In fact, her affection heightens her ruthlessness toward others when harm comes his way. Incidentally, she is naive about love and sexuality despite her age.
Note: Hancock is allied with the World Government and is expected to stymie acts of piracy. Too bad she's not exactly a fan of following people's orders, though she will certainly lie for conveniency's sake, especially if her beloved is involved.
Sample Entry:
You say that the residents of this encampment do not appreciate your services? Oh, you poor creatures. I cannot help but feel moved over your plight. Although your countenance remains impassive, your drooping pom-poms betray the turmoil in your hearts. Please grant me the honor of aiding you in your revolution. -- Do not get carried away. I was merely jesting. I cannot believe the infamous Director sent you creatures to greet me. Had I not been informed beforehand, I would have thought you mere animals, not that my perception of you has changed any. Beasts have no business idling on human premises; they should be left in the wild where they will not impede my stride. ... You disagree? How unfortunate, my foot seems to have slipped. I'm sorry for being so clumsy. ♡ But you will forgive me, won't you? No matter what crimes I commit, whether I slaughter your brethren or drown a puppy, the world will not cease to pardon my actions. Why, you ask? Indeed, the answer is clear: I am beautiful!
Now that we have set aside our differences, we can discuss more important matters. I received word that a tentacle monster has been causing a ruckus on this encampment, and it is my duty to detain it. According to this list of camp residents, you have plenty of warriors who are capable of fending off this beast. For what purpose have you called me? I'm just a weak little girl... Its slimy limbs are positively dreadful and its gurgling frightens me.
Wait, it says Monkey D. Luffy has been seen on the premises?! ... Perhaps I will assist you in your endeavor. Admittedly I care neither for Camp nor its inhabitants, but this may prove promising. You there! Yes, the wrestling gorillas. Desist in your grappling. I require your cooperation posthaste. Now, in exchange for your services, I have one stipulation. My beloved is surely ravenous for affection, which I have not been able to provide in my absence. With that said, I would like full access to the mess hall and complete control over its workers. As of now and in future, I expect each of his meals to measure twenty times my size, or I will not be even remotely satisfied. Should you refuse to comply with my demands, I will not hesitate to make an example of you.
You brutes... how dare you spurn me! I gave you no permission to resume activities. Overwhelmed by love for me, your bodies will become as hard as stone: Mero mero mellow!
-- What is this?! How are they still moving, more vigorously even? No creature, human or animal, should be immune to my charms. Are your hearts not moved in the least by my lovely visage? I-I cannot bear this humiliation! Such foul creatures should not exist in this world! ... How about this? In the process of apprehending "Marcy," two brave gorillas chose to neglect the Director's orders in order to save this menace, and I happened to fatally injure them out of self defense. What's more, we must not forget an important maxim: Do not waste food.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed~!
Character: Frodo Baggins
Series: The Lord of the Rings - [movieverse]
Character Age: 50+
Counselor Job: Ring-Bearer
Canon: Remember kids, if you're ever battling against the armies of good, attach your life force to a Ring of Power. Which is what the Dark Lord Sauron did and thus, he escaped death. And the Ring of Power he used? Was lost for countless of years until it was discovered by a peace-loving hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins. Unfortunately for Middle-Earth, Sauron seems to want his precious ring back at any cost. Fortunately, for Bilbo who's gotten too old for adventures has passed it down to Frodo, who sets off on a quest to destroy the ring once and for all.
Bookish and soft-spoken, Frodo is very unlike normal hobbits who have more of a penchant for food and drink. Yet despite that, Frodo has an inner optimistic quality of him and a backbone too, willing to stand up for what he feels is right, even at the cost to himself. Still, that doesn't mean Frodo is without any flaws as he can be quite irritable when he's questioned, often lashing out without thinking of the consequences. Carrying the burden of the Ring has filled his life with a bittersweet air, but kind and trusting, Frodo Baggins keeps on hoping. After all, he's not alone.
Frodo is taken from just after Aragorn's coronation ceremony.
Sample Post
This is a special occasion, one that shall be honoured throughout the ages. For the union of two different, yet unique people are coming together in this day, and such moments must be treasured as they will be a beacon. At least, that is what I foresee and what I hope, for this was my true purpose, beyond any other. The Shadow has left us with a taint, a taint that still lingers among you. Yes, you know of what I speak of. I see it in your hollow stare, the fatigue of your limbs as they slowly ruin you. It seems that your trials have not yet been overcome and for that... I am sorry. I can only hope that these ill-effects will soon pass. Yes, hope is all I have to offer right now and this small task that I've been entrusted with. Don't let your hearts fall into despair, morning has come. It has already started with this union that I have stumbled upon by chance and it gladdens me even though this place seems to be bogged down by other misfortunes. ... Perhaps I should not talk of them, for the very word of them seems to ring throughout this place in pain. No, I am the Ring-Bearer and for once, that task gives me joy.
For today, Lady Marcy of the Purple Lake will take Master Graggh of the Festering Marshes as her husband. I suppose it does seem odd at first glance, but we must never judge a book by its cover, or I suppose you could say we mustn't judge Marcy by her hobbies. We all have some flaw in us that may seem striking and beyond our comprehension, but surely it's simply a matter of acceptance. And if Master Graggh, son of Braaaaaaaaains can love Marcy for all that she is, then the least we could do is show a little compassion. Come on! This is, as I said earlier, a new day. Let us be rid of our preconceptions and give them our blessings. If we continue to carry the weight of past sins, well then, I suppose no amount of light can clear a clouded mind. We mustn't close our eyes to what is before us and yes, that may be hypocritical of me, but I have passed through fire and whip and I have learned. And I am proud to give Master Graggh, son of Braaaaaaaaains this ring so that he may be wedded with no fear. Have you made your choices? Remember, you will need to live with them. As well as living with the new-found coupling. Don't try to avert your eyes for you can only veil yourself in your ignorance for so long.
I see you have changed your minds. Then we should see this through to the end. Now, Master Graggh, may I present you with your wedding ring. I wish you with everlasting peace and longevity ... more than you already have. And to Lady Marcy of the Purple Lake, I am glad you are no longer lonely.. No one should experience what it is like to be lonely? not even you. I've had my taste of it and it was bitter. I suppose, even though you are so far apart, the need to be together is strengthened?! to overcome such feelings. Yes, that's how it should be. Though, Master Graggh, a word of caution. You had better put a ring on her soon and I do hope that you can pinpoint which is her ring tentacle. Otherwise, this might be a shorter union than expected.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Samwise Gamgee
Series: The Lord of the Rings (movieverse)
Age: 39
Job: Camp Gardener
Canon: Once upon a time, there existed a Dark Lord called Sauron, who obtained unimaginable power thanks to a ring he created. Thankfully for Middle-Earth, karma came to bite him in the ass and the Dark Lord became powerless when the ring was taken away from him. Forced to wait in the shadows until he could get it back, the long lost ring ends up with a peaceful Hobbit called Frodo Baggings. And so, after learning the truth about the ring, he decides to leave on a journey to destroy it forever.
Brave, honest and extremely loyal, Samwise Gamgee is Frodo's devoted gardener and one of his companions on his quest. Unwilling to give up hope at any cost, Sam has an incredible inner-strength that allows him to be optimistic even in the darkest hour. Despite this, Sam tends to be more skeptical than his master and he doesn't hesitates to speak up when necessary. He's different from others of his race because of his deep interest in elves, adventures, and poetry instead only following a peaceful simple life. In general, Sam is very humble and he has a plain but polite way of speech.
Notes: "Big Folks" is a way Hobbits refer to humans and "The Gaffer" is a title that belongs to Sam's father.
Sample Post:
Beggin' your pardon, Big Folks of The Grand Cornfields, sirs. Name's Samwise Gamgee and I am but just a Hobbit of the Shire who has come here to help you as your supplementary gardener in this time of need.
Let me say, it doesn't come as a surprise just how far the darkness has spread into the west, even after the end of the war. Aye, I can tell it must be disheartening to have fallen into such a decomposing state because of it, but Ms. Sayre has assured me she'll dig up the best ways to help you all. To dissipate that darkness, if you follow me. She's already started by finding you a more peaceful and fuzzy place to live, hasn't she? I heard you've had to make do with living in a swamp in the past years, and to me? There's nothing worse than living in one of those, outside of living inside a volcano, maybe. So don't despair and lose hope, because even in the darkest hour there's always a ray of light that shine bright and warm in our hearts. Those are the things you should focus on while you wait until that new day comes. A new day without your disease. But for now, your hands are needed to make of your lands a better place.
. . . That wasn't meant to be taken literally, really. Please put your hands back on, sirs? I need your green thumbs on you, after all. Thank you, that was something I would've liked to avoid seeing. Now, as kind as Ms. Sayre is, it's easy to notice there's a lot of work to get done round here. My job is to improve the lands and make them into a beautiful garden, and for that to happen there's lots of plants we'd be better off without. Take that giant Venus Fly Trap, for example. It was bad enough when those plants ate insects and your average innocent bugs, but these ones are big enough to trap Hobbits in them. Not a friendly plant to have around, especially with those "Put it in" signs nearby. Another big worry is the corn smut, it looks like it's been spreadin' for some time and now there's too much smut everywhere. Don't snicker like that, it's a serious matter. Smut feeds off the corn plant and decreases the yield, see? But instead of just destroying the crops, we could make corn silage out of it and feed it to the cows I saw on my way here. Which reminds me of something, I didn't like the "Must be this tall to ride" sign next to them. Because, since when cows are for riding? A horse is better suited for such a task, and a cow is for milking anyway. All those will have to go, too.
So, what these lands need are more useful plants. Like dandelions instead of aconite, because the former is a very beautiful but handy plant that can be used to flavour and breed beer, and instead, the latter is a deadly poisonous that seems to have plagued a large part of the field. As The Gaffer used to tell me, a garden needs to be practical more than appealing to the eyes. Aye, looks like your diet is limited and quite lacking, but having some variety to choose from have never killed anyone. And quite frankly? You really need to make some radical changes; maybe you'd stop dropping limbs off everywhere if you did. There has to be a limit for the times you can stuck them back on, right?
Poll Vote!
Character: Tigger
Series: The Tigger Movie
Age: A year younger than Christopher Robin, but functions as an adult
Job: Camp's Bouncer
Canon: The Tigger Movie is a film about none other than one of the Hundred Acre Wood's most popular denizens, after Winnie the Pooh of course! In this quaint little story, Tigger comes to the realization that being the only Tigger isn't all it's cracked up to be and sets out to find his fellow Tiggers. After a few musical numbers and some heartwarming hijinks, Tiggers discovers that family is what you make it...or something like that.
Excitable and extroverted, Tigger is the most fun-loving character in the Hundred Acre Wood. Always up for a good time, Tigger likes to enjoy himself and isn't afraid to share his enjoyment with others. He believes in doing everything to the upmost (unless heights are involved), no matter how trivial the task at hand may seem. Unfortunately, his overt enthusiasm and overconfidence will sometimes lead him to take things to extremes. Of course, he means no harm. After all, being the best at things---whether it's saving his friends from an avalanche or bouncing---is what Tiggers do the best.
Note: All misspellings are intentional.
Sample Post: Now this is the kind of place I could get used to! Just look at it: the wide open spaces perfect for bouncing, a super-duper humongous swimming hole, complete with a tire swing for doin' cannonballs. And they even have a special place just for making messes! Someone must've known I was comin', hoo hoo hoo hoo! Why, there's so many choices, I hardly know which one to try first. This calls for some serious logistical consideration. Hmm...to the swimming hole!
Time to try out my Extra Special Tire Swing Cannonball Dive Bounce! And-a one, and-a two, and-a CANNONBALL! ...ha ha ha ha ha! I'm gonna have to try that again. Hey, somebody left their toy duck in here. Heh heh, it's kinda cute...wait a minute, that's a real ducky, not a rubber one! It's still cute, though. Hereeeee little ducky, come to Uncle Tigger. There you go, heh heh. Aren't you just the most adoribable little guy? Cootchie cootchie coo---OUCH! Hey, lemme go! Oh...oof! Hey, I got him off of me. Huh, those're some really sharp teeth for such a little guy. Oh well, I'll just go to the other side of the---hey, more duckies. Hey guys, up for a little swimming? Ha ha, of course you are! You're ducks!
Ha ha ha ha, that's a good o---uh-oh. AH! I'm gettin' out of here!
Oh, this place is no fun at all! I just spent the last few minutes being completeely terrified! Oh well, at least there's nothin' that can scare me in this cornfield. After all that runnin' away, I could use a little nap. Think I'll just r---hey! I'm tryin' ta nap here---oh, this is your spot? Sorry Mr. Ape, I'll just nap over here then. Say, when we wake up, wanna go bouncin' with me? What's that? You've never bounced before!? That's teribible. Lucky for you, you've got an expert bouncer like me ta show you the ropes. Who? WHy, me of course! After all, bouncin's what Tiggers do the be---you don't know what a Tigger is? Well, I'll tell ya! Better yet, I'll sing it!
The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one~
I'm the only one! Grrrrrrrr.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ted Kord (Blue Beetle)
Canon: DC Comics
Age: 30-something.
Job: Gun Safety Instructor
Canon: Ted Kord's mentor Professor Dan Garrett was killed while the two of them were on a mission to stop Ted's evil scientist uncle from conquering the world. A wild spring break apparently meant a different thing back then. Luckily, the horrible trauma of seeing his professor crushed under a pile of rubble was somewhat lessened by getting a totally sweet inheritance. Dan just happened to be the first Blue Beetle, and as he lay dying he passed the mantle to his favorite student. Unfortunately, Dan didn't manage to tell Ted how to access the mystical superpowers that were supposed to come with the job, so Ted had to Batman his way to superheroism through hard work, genius inventions, and conveniently being the head of a multimillion dollar company. Eventually his efforts got him recognition and admittance to the prestigious Justice League! Of course, by that time the League was kind of a joke and a refuge for losers and second-stringers, but Blue Beetle would definitely fight heroically until going out in a blaze of glory. Okay, the truth is that he had to retire a couple of times to fight his personal demons of weight problems and a vaguely defined heart condition, and then he died alone after being shot in the face by someone he had trusted and considered a friend for years. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
Although Ted does take his job as the second Blue Beetle seriously, not many people would guess it from his constant wisecracks and buffoonery. Other heroes usually regard him as a joke until they realize that his intellect and detective skills are among the best. However, just because he has the potential to be top-notch doesn't mean he has the maturity and dignity to avoid trouble. When he isn't fighting crime, he's usually planning an elaborate practical joke on one of his teammates or hatching a harebrained get-rich-quick scheme. Constantly repairing and updating all the fancy gear and gadgets that he designs and constructs himself puts quite a dent in his wallet. Even with all of this somewhat unheroic behavior, at heart he's just a regular guy trying to save the world.
Sample Post:
Hey, kids, here's a safety tip: don't get shot! Can I have my appearance fee now? ... What? You'll pay overtime? In that case, I guess I can stick around for a few more minutes. Or days. Okay, so more gun advice. No problem. Alright, here's another one: don't shoot people.
Actually, I guess those two cover most of it, but I really want that overtime so let's amend that last one to "don't shoot people, unless they deserve it." Not that I'm saying people deserve to be shot, but for the sake of argument, and a bigger paycheck, let's have a long talk about it. The feeble granny who grabs the last box of Twinkies at the grocery story does not deserve to be shot, as hard as it is to believe. Even if you got up early just to go buy them. There will always be more Twinkies. Now, if she tries to leave without paying for them, that makes her a criminal so you can at least point a gun at her, but try using your words first. No, I don't mean saying "bang bang" instead of pulling the trigger. Yell out "stop, thief!" or some impressive speech about justice. Maybe you should have one memorized just in case. If granny makes a break for it, then it's okay to send off a couple warning shots. She's a dirty rotten Twinkie snatcher after all, but do not hit her. The elderly are fragile and most of them take blood thinners. Conversely, if you find yourself with a gun aimed at you, then maybe you shouldn't have taken those snack cakes, you old bag! ... Sorry. This is kind of a sensitive issue for me. I'm trying to work through it.
Maybe I should address something more relevant to you guys - zombies. Yeah, don't think I haven't noticed. It's hard to miss all the screaming when I'm trying to give an important talk. Zombies are more of a morally gray issue than snack theft. On the one hand, they probably didn't become the shambling undead by choice and they're just trying to get by like everyone else, but on the other hand, they are seriously disgusting. Actually, you kids aren't helping keep things very pristine either. It's very difficult to shoot something in the head, but you just keep trying. I'd be inspired by your tenacity if your aim wasn't so horrible. The zombie is shuffling toward you, you're pumping lead into the ground, the zombie keeps shuffling, you hit a tree... And if you do manage to hit the target, it's like a rotten pumpkin exploding everywhere. This is making me a little sad for both sides. Hey, zombies! Did you know you can duck? You'rewelcome.
Listen, now that I've seen you guys in action, I'm really reconsidering this whole shotgun thing. I'm sure we'd all feel a lot better without the risk of getting a bullet to the eye. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make a special offer just for you. Today only I'll be selling genuine replicas of my famous BB Gun, the nonlethal firearm alternative. Knocks out villains in a flash - of light and compressed air! Ha ha! ... Because that's what it shoots instead of bullets. It's a joke. Heh. Uh, and it's great for kids! Get your Christmas shopping done early this year! If you act now, I'll throw in a free signed publicity photo. Look, it's a headshot. Hey, are you going to get your checkbook? That's cool, I'll just be here next to the, er, writhing vines oozing viscous fluid. Oh God, they're friendly! On second thought, I'm going to wait in the car.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: Boa Hancock
Series: One Piece
Age: probably mid-to-late twenties
Job: Teen Girls' Self Esteem Something Something Blahblahblah
Canon: Who's the pirate empress in red, that gets all the navy turned to stone and dead? HANCOCK! Ya damn right.
I hear Boa Hancock is one bad mother- SHUT YO MOUTH.
We're only talkin' 'bout Boa Hancock. THEN WE CAN DIG IT!
Sure, there's some stuff about growing up as a slave, magical pirate-world politic, and possession of a possibly literal fatal allergy to human emotions, but here's the shit you be really needin' to know. Boa Hancock is a stone cold bitch. In addition to being the single most mind-blowingly gorgeous lady on the entire planet, she is also queen of the Amazons. She has an entire island of DBZ-powered lesbian bitches that want her ass so badly that they can communally ignore her minor flaws (such a being a tyrannical despot who kicks any adorable baby animal she sees) so long as they get a wink or a smile from her now and then.
She is the most beautiful man woman or child on these waters, and the only thing that may possibly eclipses her beauty is her deadliness and bad attitude. To her, appearances are absolutely everything. She can do whatever to whoever she wants, and believes that her beauty excuses her behavior. And by and large? It does. So great are her charms, that even the most brutal abuse is forgiven with the bat of one perfect eyelash. Of course, it barely needs be said that she is willing to kill (or even die) to protect her image from the dark, shameful truth of her past as a slave.
Sample:
WHO DARES PUT THIS ADORABLE BABY PUPPY IN MY WAY!?
Well, no matter. I have given it a strong, elegant kick, and I imagine it has landed on or near the building over thatish way. Whichever fool it belongs to may collect it after class.
Now! I have been summoned here because you all do not think well of yourselves. In my infinite grace and generosity, I have agreed to help address this. First of all, it is correct that you feel awkward and inferior, for both are true! Normal people should not feel as good about themselves, unless they feel good about how lucky they are to be gazing upon me. You see, simple truth of the mater is that you are, in fact, not as beautiful as I. That is an important thing that you must face. Once you understand how fully inadequate you are, then and only then may you move on with your insignificant life and properly worship me.
There are many ramifications of your lack of beauty, and it is important that you understand them all. First of all you will not be forgiven for your sins. Sins are only forgiven for the most beautiful among us. (Again, for reference, this is me, not you.) I shall be forgiven for all that I do. You shall not. You shall not be desired by all that see you. Only the most beautiful are desired, and you are not beautiful. Are you following me, thus far? This is for your own good, after all, so I would not wish to go too quickly and confuse you.
To better understand the vast gulf between us, let us first examine my hair. My hair is ravenly and lustrous. Yours is limp. Or it is frizzy? Perhaps greasy? Well, I'm sure it's some of those things. To be honest, I'm not actually looking at you. To do so would make me vaguely nauseous. You don't want me to feel sick, do you? O-of course you don't. Who would ever want me to feel ill? N-no one would, of course . . . You, in the back, focus! You may swoon at my lovely and perfectly adorable, blushing, gentle nature later.
In any case, presumably it is vastly and unfathomably inferior to my own. Perhaps it is possible that is only good and solidly inferior. I am, after all, generous and wish to think the best of people. That's quite wonderful of me, is it not? Of course it is. You think all I do is wonderful, because, I am . . . BEAUTIFUL. (Oh dear. It seems I have looked down on them all so far that I have fallen over backwards. Let's pass it off as a maidenly swoon.)
Applicant #2
Character: Boa Hancock
Series: One Piece
Age: ~27
Job: Animal Control Officer
Canon: Twenty years ago, Pirate King Gol D. Roger was put to death as an example against piracy. Unfortunately for the marines, the king punk'd their asses and sparked the Great Age of Piracy by sending everyone on a treasure hunt. Enticed by the prospect of adventure and the mystery of Roger's legendary treasure, Monkey D. Luffy traverses the Grand Line with a sack of meat and water ... and promptly disregards Survival 101 by guzzling it all down within minutes. Lucky for him, he has his crewmates to keep him in line. All in all, One Piece is a series with everything, including Sad Blue-Nosed Reindeer in the Snow and shiny balls of gold. After a three-day flight via Bartholomew Kuma Airlines, Luffy finds himself in Amazon Lily-otherwise known as the Isle of Women-where he meets Pirate Empress Boa Hancock.
Known as the most beautiful woman in the world, Hancock is fully aware of her attractiveness and takes advantage of her charms and position whenever it suits her. Rather than act as a temptress to get what she wants, she behaves like a little girl by pouting after throwing an old lady out a window or claiming she is frightened to avoid government summons, and throws fits when unsuccessful. Introduced as a villain, she has little regard for her country and its people, and is prone to kicking cute animals. After eating the Mero Mero Fruit, or Love-Love Fruit, she has the ability to literally petrify those enamored of her. Haughtiness aside, Hancock has a ~*soft spot*~ for Luffy that ... really doesn't change her for the better, unless encouraging his voracious appetite and fantasizing about receiving praise counts as character development. In fact, her affection heightens her ruthlessness toward others when harm comes his way. Incidentally, she is naive about love and sexuality despite her age.
Note: Hancock is allied with the World Government and is expected to stymie acts of piracy. Too bad she's not exactly a fan of following people's orders, though she will certainly lie for conveniency's sake, especially if her beloved is involved.
Sample Entry:
You say that the residents of this encampment do not appreciate your services? Oh, you poor creatures. I cannot help but feel moved over your plight. Although your countenance remains impassive, your drooping pom-poms betray the turmoil in your hearts. Please grant me the honor of aiding you in your revolution. -- Do not get carried away. I was merely jesting. I cannot believe the infamous Director sent you creatures to greet me. Had I not been informed beforehand, I would have thought you mere animals, not that my perception of you has changed any. Beasts have no business idling on human premises; they should be left in the wild where they will not impede my stride. ... You disagree? How unfortunate, my foot seems to have slipped. I'm sorry for being so clumsy. ♡ But you will forgive me, won't you? No matter what crimes I commit, whether I slaughter your brethren or drown a puppy, the world will not cease to pardon my actions. Why, you ask? Indeed, the answer is clear: I am beautiful!
Now that we have set aside our differences, we can discuss more important matters. I received word that a tentacle monster has been causing a ruckus on this encampment, and it is my duty to detain it. According to this list of camp residents, you have plenty of warriors who are capable of fending off this beast. For what purpose have you called me? I'm just a weak little girl... Its slimy limbs are positively dreadful and its gurgling frightens me.
Wait, it says Monkey D. Luffy has been seen on the premises?! ... Perhaps I will assist you in your endeavor. Admittedly I care neither for Camp nor its inhabitants, but this may prove promising. You there! Yes, the wrestling gorillas. Desist in your grappling. I require your cooperation posthaste. Now, in exchange for your services, I have one stipulation. My beloved is surely ravenous for affection, which I have not been able to provide in my absence. With that said, I would like full access to the mess hall and complete control over its workers. As of now and in future, I expect each of his meals to measure twenty times my size, or I will not be even remotely satisfied. Should you refuse to comply with my demands, I will not hesitate to make an example of you.
You brutes... how dare you spurn me! I gave you no permission to resume activities. Overwhelmed by love for me, your bodies will become as hard as stone: Mero mero mellow!
-- What is this?! How are they still moving, more vigorously even? No creature, human or animal, should be immune to my charms. Are your hearts not moved in the least by my lovely visage? I-I cannot bear this humiliation! Such foul creatures should not exist in this world! ... How about this? In the process of apprehending "Marcy," two brave gorillas chose to neglect the Director's orders in order to save this menace, and I happened to fatally injure them out of self defense. What's more, we must not forget an important maxim: Do not waste food.
Poll Vote!