(no subject)
MOAR COUNSELORS FOR MOAR VOTINGS
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Sheldon Cooper.
Series: The Big Bang Theory.
Character Age: 29.
Job: Occupational Health and Safety Instructor.
Canon: What do you get when you combine nerd culture and double entendres? Maybe XKCD - or maybe The Big Bang Theory, a sitcom centering around two nerdy physicists from UCLA and the bubbly, confident young woman who lives across the hall from them. Sheldon Cooper is a gangly Texan with two PhD's, a severe case of OCD, and a brain the size of a planet. Given his inability to understand sex as anything other than a physical manifestation of a chemical reaction, Sheldon mostly mediates between his infatuated room-mate Leonard and their new friend Penny, even as she brings unwanted chaos into the routine of his life.
Sheldon claims to know everything about everything in the universe, and indeed, he's filled with random trivia on a variety of subjects outside his scientific speciality of String Theory. Given his massive ego, he's likely to flaunt this knowledge condescendingly whenever possible. But he has trouble with basic human interaction, can be incredibly literal, and his knowledge of pop culture is only as large as his collection of comic books and sci-fi. He tends to approach life in a scientific manner, and most of his social protocol is learned and followed to the excruciatingly awkward letter. Despite the fact that those who know him think he's an alien, a robot, or just plain crazy, Sheldon's strict Bible Belt upbringing has left him with a strong sense of what's polite, a weak sense of religion, and occasionally an endearing, childlike sweetness.
Sample Post:
Well hallo there, camper singular. My name is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. No need to state your own name, my clipboard has already provided me with your details, Jim. In fact, I think we can dispense with the small talk and obligatory ice-breaking opening joke and get started immediately on the list of this place's many Health and Safety deficiencies. It's greatly advised that you do not attempt to regale me with anecdotal evidence regarding any of my points, as any opinions you have are more than likely to be wrong. There will be a ten-minute period available for questions after the power-point presentation. This was originally supposed to be a seminar, but given the Zombie Survival Guide's rules on crowding during an emergency situation and my own glossophobia, I made the executive decision to slim the group down a little.
Point the first: Food Hygiene. I'm not even going to touch the kitchen here - I mean it, I am not touching it or anything in it, not with a pole of any length and a biohazard suit. Frankly, I believe the prokaryote on the counter-tops have become self-sustaining microorganisms. In addition, I know my job description did not include nutritionist, but I don't think the menu is adequate or, more disturbingly, consistent. How am I supposed to regulate my diet by weekday when only Tuesday has a regular dish? And as I have said to my mother countless times, "miscellaneous" is in no way a legal way of labelling meat ingredients, and offal is somewhat homonymic. In case you missed it, that's a pun on awful - you may wish to laugh. Perhaps if your so-called director spent more time in the kitchen where she belongs, you wouldn't all be at risk of scurvy.
Point the second: Accommodation. Some of these buildings bear an uncanny resemblance to the shed in which I built a nuclear reactor as a child. That's a hazard, and I would advise you wear a helmet and goggles whenever you are required to be inside one. Accommodation part b, I am concerned that attempting to leave this place brought me right back to the other side of the designated camping area; I hardly think that's safe. This is not an 8-bit video game and the laws of physics do not work that way - I should know. I recommend you get someone in to fix that.
Believe me, I could go on. However I read on WikiHow that a basic demonstration of job capability should not run longer than three hours, and due to your overpopulation issues I have many more campers to get through. Fortunately I have also pre-prepared a research paper covering all thirty-eight points that should provide a solid ground from which to launch your inevitable line of eager questioning.
Can I help you re-attach your leg? Can I help you re-attach your leg? Dammit, Jim, I am a theoretical physicist, not a doctor.
Poll Vote!
Character: Namie Yagiri
Series: Durarara!! (DRRR!!)
Character Age: 25
Job: Clinical Drug Trial Proctor
Canon: Durarara!! is a collection of intertwining story lines set in Ikebukuro, many with themes of "twisted" love. To name a few, there's the guy in love with a headless fairy, the one in love with a head, and the crazy informant who shows his love for humanity by completely ruining the lives of everyone he meets. As the series progresses, it gets more convoluted, since no one is quite what they seem. Even the characters that appear normal at face value have dark secrets they're trying to hide from those closest to them. Amongst the indisputably warped members of the cast is Namie Yagiri, the no-nonsense division chief of a small pharmaceutical company that's been dabbling in human experimentation.
On the surface, Namie seems like a respectable woman. Even though her family owns the company she works for, she earned her position through her own merit. Unfortunately, the underlying force behind her accomplishments is her one-sided love for her younger brother, Seiji. To call her "obsessed" would be an understatement: She'll happily help him cover up a murder and takes sadistic pleasure in eliminating competition for his affection. While her brother can do no wrong in her eyes, she views everyone else in a cynical light: People are fake, acting kind so long as it gets them what they want. As a result, she treats others coldly and with disdain. She has little tolerance for B.S., and when she detects it, she'll bluntly call the liar out with a cutting remark. Even someone who scares her can't silence her deadpan snark and aren't spared from being undermined to serve her ulterior motives. Of course, if that person is a dick who actually deserves to get knocked down a peg or two, it's not necessarily a bad thing. In spite of her brother complex and condescending attitude, her diligence and efficiency with tasks at hand are admirable. Pair that with her smarts, and you've got a useful ally-- or a dangerous person to underestimate.
Sample Post:
I don't really care if you feel sick; if you're looking for a physician, you've come to the wrong place. I'm Namie Yagiri. My area of expertise is pharmaceuticals, and I have no intention of wasting my time playing "House." Of course, it wouldn't take a diagnostician to figure out that the only thing you suffer from is acute stupidity, and there isn't a drug that can treat that. While I can't do anything about your pre-existing condition, camp has recently produced medication to alleviate camp effects. It is currently unknown if they're fit for human consumption, but I'll be able to determine that when you try it.
I know you didn't sign up for this. You'd have to be a masochist to willingly put something from the creators of Tuesday soup in your mouth. Or other places, in the case of the suppositories. But before you put up a fight or try to escape, take a look around you and assess your situation: You're imprisoned in an inter-dimensional zombie summer camp until the murderer of Director Sayre's fiance is discovered. As if that wasn't enough, you should consider the hazards as well. If you were to leave right now, almost everything out there would try to maim or molest you, and that includes some of your fellow campers. While the scenario sounds like some ridiculous, haphazard mix of science fiction, horror, mystery and animated Japanese pornography, it's clear being the guinea pig for a few medications is the least of your worries. Besides, even if you die, you'll simply revive, so I'll be able to run tests on you over and over again.
Is that unfair? Naturally. But you don't have a say on the matter, so save your breath and let this be a lesson on how unfair life truly is. Anyone who says otherwise is naive or a liar. Yes, that includes your so-called "friends," who pretend to care about you. Don't be fooled by the way they spew that disgusting Hallmark card nonsense about "friendship." If you think they're being sincere, you're just deluding yourself. The only reason they'd put up with all your bitching and whining, and bolster your self-esteem is to quell their own feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. I'm not saying that to be harsh; I'm being honest. If you find the truth hurtful, you can take comfort in the fact that I'll make them suffer just as much as you.
Or maybe camp actually did something right for once, and you won't suffer at all. You'll just have to try your luck, since I'm testing two medications today. I'm letting you choose the one you want, so if anything bad happens, you'll only have yourself to blame. They've been differentiated by color, but I'll tell you right now that neither the red one or the blue one will wake you from this dream. Rest assured, even if your unwilling participation is a tough pill to swallow, at least the drugs aren't.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Koganei Keitarou
Series: The Weatherman is My Lover
Age: 25
Job: Camp Newscaster
Canon: Koganei Keitarou has a goal: to become a rising star in the world of morning broadcasting. All he has to do is keep his nose to the grindstone and maintain a professional veneer, waiting for inter-office politics to push him out of his 4am shift and back into the bigtime. It's a prefect plan, until he falls head over heels for his eccentric and outgoing costar Amasawa Chitose, the man who calls himself a weather fairy.
On the air, Koganei Keitarou is the embodiment of professionalism. Truth to tell, he's not very different when the cameras stop rolling, either. He's a man with an even keel, perfectly polite and even quite affable when calm. He is little bit of a crankypants when riled, even going so far as to tsun explode on occasion, but it's quite difficult to push him to the boiling point. Although he admits he could have become a cutthroat person if he'd stayed focused on just his job, the fact is that he's not just in this business for the fame. Serious, steady, and unshakable, his ultimate goal is to let the news speak for itself, helping his viewers to absorb all the details easily. And though it's not easy to get him to open up on a personal level, when he does he's earnest, honest, and even sweet.
Sample Post:
Integrity, simplicity, and dignity. These must always be my bywords, no matter what the broadcast is. Even if it's just a segment on women's fashion, a lost kitten stuck in a tree, or yet another story about the world's most humorous vegetable collection, a reporter who takes his work seriously should always be able to reach out and connect with his audience on a basic level.
Or that was what I thought until I was handed this script. It's not just crazy, it's practically gibberish! Our headlining Lifestyles piece is supposed to be good news, but all it says is that "as population trends have shifted over the years, you are now 50% less likely to be dotted at by a ninja. Save the awkward pauses for when you really need them!" Honestly, what does that even mean? Ninjas are not a subculture. Speaking of which, where is the "human interest" in a story about the true, pure love between a gorilla and a toucan? I'm telling you, primate interest simply isn't going to cut it. Our viewers are not lumbering apes. Must I continue? Here's the most offensive piece of all: "Giant squid given the gift of lube, will it stick or will she let things slide?" I can't say this on the air! It's mindless, perverted innuendo and obviously fake to boot.
Look, it's no good telling me that this can't be yellow journalism just because you're green. I can't be polite to you under the circumstances! I understand that you've been forced to work with a skeleton crew, but you are simply the worst outfit I have ever been a part of. I apologize in advance, but if you really won't let me tender my resignation before we go on the air with this mess, you have only yourselves to blame for what is about to happen.
Are we live now?
Good evening to my viewers, this is Koganei Keitarou with THE DAILY FUCK. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know our program needs a 70% approval rating to stay on the air. Therefore, and with a heavy heart, I am here to humbly beg you to vote me down! I know this might sound like an unprofessional joke but I can assure you, I am quite serious. This is the only way. I'm not too proud to beg. End this farce and let me go home!
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain K'nuckles
Series: The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack
Age: 11 times older than Flapjack (no younger than 55).
Job: Creative Storyteller
Canon: It's dangerous and risky, but adventurous and free! The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack tells the tale of a young boy named-you guessed it-Flapjack as he causes plenty of mischief in and around Stormalong Harbor with his seafaring friend Captain K'nuckles (who comes complete with an authentic sailor accent) under the pretext of finding the legendary Candied Island. As annoyingly cute as Flapjack and his aptly named misadventures are, the events and people he's surrounded by are sometimes disturbing (and we all have Cartoon Network to thank for that).
K'nuckles is the worst role model an adorable, impressionable child like Flapjack could have. He tells lies frequently, mostly about great adventures he had "back in the day." On the rare occasion a story he's telling isn't completely false, it's still exaggerated drastically to seem grandiose and far more interesting than the event really was (for example, telling Flapjack a whaleshark bit off his hand when he really got it stuck in a food disposal unit). K'nuckles also gives Flapjack horrendously inappropriate advice and tricks him into doing things so K'nuckles doesn't have to do any of the work himself. To top it off, the old bum is unbelievably selfish and rude, addicted to candy, and drinks maple syrup constantly-which basically means he's the stereotype of a deadbeat alcoholic, veiled just enough to get past the censors. He's not a complete jerk, though, because he obviously cares about Flapjack enough to get him out of trouble when their grand adventures go awry.
Sample Post:
Gather 'round, everyone, and I'll tell you the story of the greatest adventurer to ever cross the Sea of Fudd. And who's the devilishly handsome man? You're starin' right at him! Captain K'nuckles, in the flesh! Now sit down and quit yer yappin', I'm gettin' to the tale! It all started when I received a letter. A letter that changed my life! Don't ask me what it said, I can't read. But I figured if someone had the nerve to send me a letter, I had to track 'em down and give 'em a piece of my mind. Real adventurers don't send letters! If you've got somethin' to say to somebody, you just march yourself over there and say it! Letters are for sissies with too many feelin's.
Anyway, after a long nap in the cargo hold-I mean, after a rough voyage on stormy seas and two different battles with the fiercest monsters you'd never hope to meet, I finally crossed into the Sea of Fudd. And as soon as I entered there, I was welcomed with open arms by the locals and they made me their king! Those guys know a good mind when they see one-they wouldn't stop chantin' about my clearly superior brains. They don't call me Captain K'nuckles, the smartest man to ever sail the seven seas for nothin', and these guys recognized it! They were so intimidated by all the knowledge held in my noggin that they gave me offerings of candy.
Things were goin' pretty well for me and my new subjects. They were loyal and obedient, if a little on the slow side, but beggars can't be choosers-or in this case, kings can't ... uhh ... be democrats, I guess. Either way, they gave me candy and I ruled over 'em! But everything changed when a vicious pack of birds with psychic powers attacked! These birds were so cruel in their assault-my followers started fallin' to bits! Literally. The situation was bleak, and I knew I had to make a move quick before my candy suppliers were all gone, so I pulled out the strongest defense move I know. -No, it ain't just cryin'! It's a tactical move! Y'see, they got so uncomfortable they stopped payin' attention and it allowed me to make my smooth getaway.
Well, that's my story! Now if you'll excuse me, it's King K'nuckles' naptime, and Queen Maple Syrup's tellin' the bedtime story.
Poll Vote!
Character: Reim Lunettes
Series: Pandora Hearts (manga)
Character Age: 26
Occupation: Head Pencil-Pusher
Canon: There's something that can be said about a birthday party that sucks as much as the one for Oz Vessalius’ fifteenth birthday. Let’s see now. On that day, he is dropped into a cracky, pseudo-version of hell called the ‘abyss’ by a group of color-coded antagonists for the reason that his very existence is a waste of air. He has to make a contract with a killer rabbit ‘chain’, or a biological weapon birthed in the abyss, to get out of said abyss, which is another kind of hell on its own. And the moment he gets out of the abyss, he finds out that ten years have passed him by and his younger sister is now older than him. And to put the icing on the cake (which, in his case, is a total lie), the contract that got him out of the abyss is killing him. Tragic, I know.
But if you thought that Pandora Hearts was only about how badly Oz Vessalius’ life sucks, think again. Reim Lunette’s life also downright sucks. His best friend enjoys tormenting him. He is doomed to be a paper pusher for an organization that doesn’t appreciate his paper-pushing. And his master sends him off to deliver love letters to an old lady with a killer fan. The old lady subsequently rips up the love letters, and he ends up spending years at her mansion waiting for that dag-blasted reply. All in all, Reim Lunettes is the kind of character that everyone walks all over and who can’t even raise his voice to complain. Constantly stressed and a type-A workaholic, he is the epitome of the overworked, flustered and disapproving best friend. But really, this guy has a heart of gold which drives him to reach out to others. Responsible and hard-working, he watches out for the best interests of everyone and strives to make himself heard.
Sample Post:
-- It’s not something that I’m particularly proud of, per se, but… I do think that I have some talent in the field-- … what do you mean you have absolutely no clue as to what I’m speaking of? I’ve been trying to explain to you my purpose for being here for the past ten minutes, lady, and you haven’t even heard a single word of it? I don’t know whether I should take offense, seeing as you are not well acquainted with me and probably are not doing it out of malicious intent, unlike someone else I can name, but I must ask -- are your ears but mere decorations on the sides of your head? … so they are. I-I suppose you would want them back on your head. I’m not sure what your supervisor might say if you walked about without ears. It might give off the impression that you are an unhearing brute, and that’s never a good impression for an employer to have of a worker.
Must I always repeat what I say? I said, it’s never a good-Ah, right. Your ears. They’re still on the floor. And I suppose you can’t hear me well enough to understand that you must pick them up. Here, let me help you attach them back on your head. Now that we are going to be coworkers, I suppose the best thing to do is for me to scratch your back and for you to scratch mine. Ah, no, it’s all right, thank you very much -- I don’t need a back-scratch, even though it has been a long time since anyone has volunteered for that. I really do appreciate the sentiment, but I’m not sure removing your arm for the sake of a back-scratcher is going to go well for your employer. They need you to have all your limbs intact for you to work efficiently as a security guard. One must never allow for raw sentiments to cost one their job.
Now, let’s get to work, shall we? Since I’ve been hired as the deputy of paper-work in this camp, we might as well start with the vanguard. We will go by the paperwork system as prescribed by the head of camp here at Camp F… F... F--! … I cannot say it. It’s far too crude of a word to be used in the presence of a lady. A lady is a lady, be the lady the jewel of the Libyan crown or hairy as a gorilla’s behind, and we of Pandora are taught to respect such designations. However, the title of the camp must be said, so I shall use the word ‘Fish’ in its place. Thus, for the sake of the head of Camp Fish You Die, and for the convenience of all, the paperwork is all color-coded. Purple is for the undead. Pink is for the gorillas. The ones with the yellow polka dots are for the inanimate objects to be filled out after an extensive interview. And for the red-green color-blind, there are red-green sheets that one must fill out. And after all the paperwork has been filled out, they must be transported to the paper shredding plant to be… shredded… for…
… they are going to shred my precious paperwork?
Poll Vote!
Character: Mako Shiraishi
Series: Samurai Sentai Shinkenger
Character Age: 24
Job: Camp Mom (Caretaker of the younger campers.)
Canon: In Samurai Sentai Shinkenger, a group of monsters known as the Gedoushu creep into the human world and cause mayhem. The ones who have the task of fending off these creatures are the Shinkengers, a group of modern day samurai chosen by their lineage and trained from childhood. At their disposal are a series of giant animal robots (referred to as Origami) and the power of Mojikara, an ability that allows them to write kanji symbols that create what they scrawl as reality. It is with this power that they transform into their traditional samurai bodysuits and charge into battle.
It bears mentioning that in this canon, samurai are power rangers.
One of these rangers is Mako Shiraishi. Known as ShinkenPink when in uniform, Mako is affiliated with the element of wind, wielding the Heaven Fan as her weapon of choice. The oldest member of the team, Mako is far and away the most mature of her group. A former kindergarten teacher, she adores children and tends to play caretaker and big sister to whoever is troubled or upset around her. If there's someone crying or angry within earshot, they can expect a hug from Mako. Most of the time, she's composed and a bit cool towards her teammates, but she is loyal to them and supports them the minute things get hard. After awhile, her allies even refer to her as 'nee-san' or 'big sister'. Her need to play mother to others likely comes from her own parents leaving her to be trained by her grandmother as a child. Mako's ultimate dream is to be a housewife with a happy family, and her nurturing nature serves her well. Her one weakness as a caretaker is her cooking. Throughout the series, her food evokes reactions of horror, illness, and disbelief that anything could taste so bad. On the one occasion she produces something edible her teammates nearly faint from amazement and relief.
Sample Post:
Good morning children! I am Miss Mako and I will be taking care of you today. I know being trapped in camp might seem like a tough situation, but I promise you that it can be fun too! We can still sing songs and play games. We can have campfires and tell stories. And look at all the unusual wildlife there is to see. I see toucans and gorillas, and I've heard tell of a very... unique squid living nearby. Maybe we go on an expedition and find it today! Come on, it will be fun so cheer up and stop moaning. You're all so pale and hunched over! Children should be smiling and rosy. Remember you are the future of camp, so it's up to you to make camp a happier place. I will help all of you in any way I can! That's a promise.
For now let's try and make camp a more beautiful place. A lovely camp will make us all feel a bit better. I found some crayons and paper before I came here today. The crayons scream when you draw with them, but I am pretty sure they're just joke products so don't worry. We should all draw what we want camp to look like! Use plenty of color and make it yours. I'll go around and help those of you having trouble getting started.
Oh, what's wrong little one, don't you like to draw? Let me see what you've done. Oh... this is your family? You miss them don't you? I know how hard it is to spend some time growing up without your mother and father to show you the way. I was raised by my grandmother, but I'm not mad at my parents. They were trying to do what was right, and I'm sure your parents are too. They sent you to camp because they wanted you to have all sorts of wonderful experiences. Even though you are a zombie, they wanted you to have a normal childhood. So cheer up, crying boy. You are here because your parents love you.
I have something that will make you feel better. In fact, children, come over here. One of you bring my bag to me, please. I know how hungry children get and soup every Tuesday must get awfully dull. With that in mind, I packed these rice balls I made myself. Please eat them, knowing they were made with love. Don't just sniff at them! They are supposed to smell like that. It's just the natural aroma coming through. Yes, there you go! Dig in!
I see... perhaps you're right. Now is a good time for an after-snack nap. I'll save the rest for later.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Sheldon Cooper.
Series: The Big Bang Theory.
Character Age: 29.
Job: Occupational Health and Safety Instructor.
Canon: What do you get when you combine nerd culture and double entendres? Maybe XKCD - or maybe The Big Bang Theory, a sitcom centering around two nerdy physicists from UCLA and the bubbly, confident young woman who lives across the hall from them. Sheldon Cooper is a gangly Texan with two PhD's, a severe case of OCD, and a brain the size of a planet. Given his inability to understand sex as anything other than a physical manifestation of a chemical reaction, Sheldon mostly mediates between his infatuated room-mate Leonard and their new friend Penny, even as she brings unwanted chaos into the routine of his life.
Sheldon claims to know everything about everything in the universe, and indeed, he's filled with random trivia on a variety of subjects outside his scientific speciality of String Theory. Given his massive ego, he's likely to flaunt this knowledge condescendingly whenever possible. But he has trouble with basic human interaction, can be incredibly literal, and his knowledge of pop culture is only as large as his collection of comic books and sci-fi. He tends to approach life in a scientific manner, and most of his social protocol is learned and followed to the excruciatingly awkward letter. Despite the fact that those who know him think he's an alien, a robot, or just plain crazy, Sheldon's strict Bible Belt upbringing has left him with a strong sense of what's polite, a weak sense of religion, and occasionally an endearing, childlike sweetness.
Sample Post:
Well hallo there, camper singular. My name is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. No need to state your own name, my clipboard has already provided me with your details, Jim. In fact, I think we can dispense with the small talk and obligatory ice-breaking opening joke and get started immediately on the list of this place's many Health and Safety deficiencies. It's greatly advised that you do not attempt to regale me with anecdotal evidence regarding any of my points, as any opinions you have are more than likely to be wrong. There will be a ten-minute period available for questions after the power-point presentation. This was originally supposed to be a seminar, but given the Zombie Survival Guide's rules on crowding during an emergency situation and my own glossophobia, I made the executive decision to slim the group down a little.
Point the first: Food Hygiene. I'm not even going to touch the kitchen here - I mean it, I am not touching it or anything in it, not with a pole of any length and a biohazard suit. Frankly, I believe the prokaryote on the counter-tops have become self-sustaining microorganisms. In addition, I know my job description did not include nutritionist, but I don't think the menu is adequate or, more disturbingly, consistent. How am I supposed to regulate my diet by weekday when only Tuesday has a regular dish? And as I have said to my mother countless times, "miscellaneous" is in no way a legal way of labelling meat ingredients, and offal is somewhat homonymic. In case you missed it, that's a pun on awful - you may wish to laugh. Perhaps if your so-called director spent more time in the kitchen where she belongs, you wouldn't all be at risk of scurvy.
Point the second: Accommodation. Some of these buildings bear an uncanny resemblance to the shed in which I built a nuclear reactor as a child. That's a hazard, and I would advise you wear a helmet and goggles whenever you are required to be inside one. Accommodation part b, I am concerned that attempting to leave this place brought me right back to the other side of the designated camping area; I hardly think that's safe. This is not an 8-bit video game and the laws of physics do not work that way - I should know. I recommend you get someone in to fix that.
Believe me, I could go on. However I read on WikiHow that a basic demonstration of job capability should not run longer than three hours, and due to your overpopulation issues I have many more campers to get through. Fortunately I have also pre-prepared a research paper covering all thirty-eight points that should provide a solid ground from which to launch your inevitable line of eager questioning.
Can I help you re-attach your leg? Can I help you re-attach your leg? Dammit, Jim, I am a theoretical physicist, not a doctor.
Poll Vote!
Character: Namie Yagiri
Series: Durarara!! (DRRR!!)
Character Age: 25
Job: Clinical Drug Trial Proctor
Canon: Durarara!! is a collection of intertwining story lines set in Ikebukuro, many with themes of "twisted" love. To name a few, there's the guy in love with a headless fairy, the one in love with a head, and the crazy informant who shows his love for humanity by completely ruining the lives of everyone he meets. As the series progresses, it gets more convoluted, since no one is quite what they seem. Even the characters that appear normal at face value have dark secrets they're trying to hide from those closest to them. Amongst the indisputably warped members of the cast is Namie Yagiri, the no-nonsense division chief of a small pharmaceutical company that's been dabbling in human experimentation.
On the surface, Namie seems like a respectable woman. Even though her family owns the company she works for, she earned her position through her own merit. Unfortunately, the underlying force behind her accomplishments is her one-sided love for her younger brother, Seiji. To call her "obsessed" would be an understatement: She'll happily help him cover up a murder and takes sadistic pleasure in eliminating competition for his affection. While her brother can do no wrong in her eyes, she views everyone else in a cynical light: People are fake, acting kind so long as it gets them what they want. As a result, she treats others coldly and with disdain. She has little tolerance for B.S., and when she detects it, she'll bluntly call the liar out with a cutting remark. Even someone who scares her can't silence her deadpan snark and aren't spared from being undermined to serve her ulterior motives. Of course, if that person is a dick who actually deserves to get knocked down a peg or two, it's not necessarily a bad thing. In spite of her brother complex and condescending attitude, her diligence and efficiency with tasks at hand are admirable. Pair that with her smarts, and you've got a useful ally-- or a dangerous person to underestimate.
Sample Post:
I don't really care if you feel sick; if you're looking for a physician, you've come to the wrong place. I'm Namie Yagiri. My area of expertise is pharmaceuticals, and I have no intention of wasting my time playing "House." Of course, it wouldn't take a diagnostician to figure out that the only thing you suffer from is acute stupidity, and there isn't a drug that can treat that. While I can't do anything about your pre-existing condition, camp has recently produced medication to alleviate camp effects. It is currently unknown if they're fit for human consumption, but I'll be able to determine that when you try it.
I know you didn't sign up for this. You'd have to be a masochist to willingly put something from the creators of Tuesday soup in your mouth. Or other places, in the case of the suppositories. But before you put up a fight or try to escape, take a look around you and assess your situation: You're imprisoned in an inter-dimensional zombie summer camp until the murderer of Director Sayre's fiance is discovered. As if that wasn't enough, you should consider the hazards as well. If you were to leave right now, almost everything out there would try to maim or molest you, and that includes some of your fellow campers. While the scenario sounds like some ridiculous, haphazard mix of science fiction, horror, mystery and animated Japanese pornography, it's clear being the guinea pig for a few medications is the least of your worries. Besides, even if you die, you'll simply revive, so I'll be able to run tests on you over and over again.
Is that unfair? Naturally. But you don't have a say on the matter, so save your breath and let this be a lesson on how unfair life truly is. Anyone who says otherwise is naive or a liar. Yes, that includes your so-called "friends," who pretend to care about you. Don't be fooled by the way they spew that disgusting Hallmark card nonsense about "friendship." If you think they're being sincere, you're just deluding yourself. The only reason they'd put up with all your bitching and whining, and bolster your self-esteem is to quell their own feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. I'm not saying that to be harsh; I'm being honest. If you find the truth hurtful, you can take comfort in the fact that I'll make them suffer just as much as you.
Or maybe camp actually did something right for once, and you won't suffer at all. You'll just have to try your luck, since I'm testing two medications today. I'm letting you choose the one you want, so if anything bad happens, you'll only have yourself to blame. They've been differentiated by color, but I'll tell you right now that neither the red one or the blue one will wake you from this dream. Rest assured, even if your unwilling participation is a tough pill to swallow, at least the drugs aren't.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Koganei Keitarou
Series: The Weatherman is My Lover
Age: 25
Job: Camp Newscaster
Canon: Koganei Keitarou has a goal: to become a rising star in the world of morning broadcasting. All he has to do is keep his nose to the grindstone and maintain a professional veneer, waiting for inter-office politics to push him out of his 4am shift and back into the bigtime. It's a prefect plan, until he falls head over heels for his eccentric and outgoing costar Amasawa Chitose, the man who calls himself a weather fairy.
On the air, Koganei Keitarou is the embodiment of professionalism. Truth to tell, he's not very different when the cameras stop rolling, either. He's a man with an even keel, perfectly polite and even quite affable when calm. He is little bit of a crankypants when riled, even going so far as to tsun explode on occasion, but it's quite difficult to push him to the boiling point. Although he admits he could have become a cutthroat person if he'd stayed focused on just his job, the fact is that he's not just in this business for the fame. Serious, steady, and unshakable, his ultimate goal is to let the news speak for itself, helping his viewers to absorb all the details easily. And though it's not easy to get him to open up on a personal level, when he does he's earnest, honest, and even sweet.
Sample Post:
Integrity, simplicity, and dignity. These must always be my bywords, no matter what the broadcast is. Even if it's just a segment on women's fashion, a lost kitten stuck in a tree, or yet another story about the world's most humorous vegetable collection, a reporter who takes his work seriously should always be able to reach out and connect with his audience on a basic level.
Or that was what I thought until I was handed this script. It's not just crazy, it's practically gibberish! Our headlining Lifestyles piece is supposed to be good news, but all it says is that "as population trends have shifted over the years, you are now 50% less likely to be dotted at by a ninja. Save the awkward pauses for when you really need them!" Honestly, what does that even mean? Ninjas are not a subculture. Speaking of which, where is the "human interest" in a story about the true, pure love between a gorilla and a toucan? I'm telling you, primate interest simply isn't going to cut it. Our viewers are not lumbering apes. Must I continue? Here's the most offensive piece of all: "Giant squid given the gift of lube, will it stick or will she let things slide?" I can't say this on the air! It's mindless, perverted innuendo and obviously fake to boot.
Look, it's no good telling me that this can't be yellow journalism just because you're green. I can't be polite to you under the circumstances! I understand that you've been forced to work with a skeleton crew, but you are simply the worst outfit I have ever been a part of. I apologize in advance, but if you really won't let me tender my resignation before we go on the air with this mess, you have only yourselves to blame for what is about to happen.
Are we live now?
Good evening to my viewers, this is Koganei Keitarou with THE DAILY FUCK. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know our program needs a 70% approval rating to stay on the air. Therefore, and with a heavy heart, I am here to humbly beg you to vote me down! I know this might sound like an unprofessional joke but I can assure you, I am quite serious. This is the only way. I'm not too proud to beg. End this farce and let me go home!
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain K'nuckles
Series: The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack
Age: 11 times older than Flapjack (no younger than 55).
Job: Creative Storyteller
Canon: It's dangerous and risky, but adventurous and free! The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack tells the tale of a young boy named-you guessed it-Flapjack as he causes plenty of mischief in and around Stormalong Harbor with his seafaring friend Captain K'nuckles (who comes complete with an authentic sailor accent) under the pretext of finding the legendary Candied Island. As annoyingly cute as Flapjack and his aptly named misadventures are, the events and people he's surrounded by are sometimes disturbing (and we all have Cartoon Network to thank for that).
K'nuckles is the worst role model an adorable, impressionable child like Flapjack could have. He tells lies frequently, mostly about great adventures he had "back in the day." On the rare occasion a story he's telling isn't completely false, it's still exaggerated drastically to seem grandiose and far more interesting than the event really was (for example, telling Flapjack a whaleshark bit off his hand when he really got it stuck in a food disposal unit). K'nuckles also gives Flapjack horrendously inappropriate advice and tricks him into doing things so K'nuckles doesn't have to do any of the work himself. To top it off, the old bum is unbelievably selfish and rude, addicted to candy, and drinks maple syrup constantly-which basically means he's the stereotype of a deadbeat alcoholic, veiled just enough to get past the censors. He's not a complete jerk, though, because he obviously cares about Flapjack enough to get him out of trouble when their grand adventures go awry.
Sample Post:
Gather 'round, everyone, and I'll tell you the story of the greatest adventurer to ever cross the Sea of Fudd. And who's the devilishly handsome man? You're starin' right at him! Captain K'nuckles, in the flesh! Now sit down and quit yer yappin', I'm gettin' to the tale! It all started when I received a letter. A letter that changed my life! Don't ask me what it said, I can't read. But I figured if someone had the nerve to send me a letter, I had to track 'em down and give 'em a piece of my mind. Real adventurers don't send letters! If you've got somethin' to say to somebody, you just march yourself over there and say it! Letters are for sissies with too many feelin's.
Anyway, after a long nap in the cargo hold-I mean, after a rough voyage on stormy seas and two different battles with the fiercest monsters you'd never hope to meet, I finally crossed into the Sea of Fudd. And as soon as I entered there, I was welcomed with open arms by the locals and they made me their king! Those guys know a good mind when they see one-they wouldn't stop chantin' about my clearly superior brains. They don't call me Captain K'nuckles, the smartest man to ever sail the seven seas for nothin', and these guys recognized it! They were so intimidated by all the knowledge held in my noggin that they gave me offerings of candy.
Things were goin' pretty well for me and my new subjects. They were loyal and obedient, if a little on the slow side, but beggars can't be choosers-or in this case, kings can't ... uhh ... be democrats, I guess. Either way, they gave me candy and I ruled over 'em! But everything changed when a vicious pack of birds with psychic powers attacked! These birds were so cruel in their assault-my followers started fallin' to bits! Literally. The situation was bleak, and I knew I had to make a move quick before my candy suppliers were all gone, so I pulled out the strongest defense move I know. -No, it ain't just cryin'! It's a tactical move! Y'see, they got so uncomfortable they stopped payin' attention and it allowed me to make my smooth getaway.
Well, that's my story! Now if you'll excuse me, it's King K'nuckles' naptime, and Queen Maple Syrup's tellin' the bedtime story.
Poll Vote!
Character: Reim Lunettes
Series: Pandora Hearts (manga)
Character Age: 26
Occupation: Head Pencil-Pusher
Canon: There's something that can be said about a birthday party that sucks as much as the one for Oz Vessalius’ fifteenth birthday. Let’s see now. On that day, he is dropped into a cracky, pseudo-version of hell called the ‘abyss’ by a group of color-coded antagonists for the reason that his very existence is a waste of air. He has to make a contract with a killer rabbit ‘chain’, or a biological weapon birthed in the abyss, to get out of said abyss, which is another kind of hell on its own. And the moment he gets out of the abyss, he finds out that ten years have passed him by and his younger sister is now older than him. And to put the icing on the cake (which, in his case, is a total lie), the contract that got him out of the abyss is killing him. Tragic, I know.
But if you thought that Pandora Hearts was only about how badly Oz Vessalius’ life sucks, think again. Reim Lunette’s life also downright sucks. His best friend enjoys tormenting him. He is doomed to be a paper pusher for an organization that doesn’t appreciate his paper-pushing. And his master sends him off to deliver love letters to an old lady with a killer fan. The old lady subsequently rips up the love letters, and he ends up spending years at her mansion waiting for that dag-blasted reply. All in all, Reim Lunettes is the kind of character that everyone walks all over and who can’t even raise his voice to complain. Constantly stressed and a type-A workaholic, he is the epitome of the overworked, flustered and disapproving best friend. But really, this guy has a heart of gold which drives him to reach out to others. Responsible and hard-working, he watches out for the best interests of everyone and strives to make himself heard.
Sample Post:
-- It’s not something that I’m particularly proud of, per se, but… I do think that I have some talent in the field-- … what do you mean you have absolutely no clue as to what I’m speaking of? I’ve been trying to explain to you my purpose for being here for the past ten minutes, lady, and you haven’t even heard a single word of it? I don’t know whether I should take offense, seeing as you are not well acquainted with me and probably are not doing it out of malicious intent, unlike someone else I can name, but I must ask -- are your ears but mere decorations on the sides of your head? … so they are. I-I suppose you would want them back on your head. I’m not sure what your supervisor might say if you walked about without ears. It might give off the impression that you are an unhearing brute, and that’s never a good impression for an employer to have of a worker.
Must I always repeat what I say? I said, it’s never a good-Ah, right. Your ears. They’re still on the floor. And I suppose you can’t hear me well enough to understand that you must pick them up. Here, let me help you attach them back on your head. Now that we are going to be coworkers, I suppose the best thing to do is for me to scratch your back and for you to scratch mine. Ah, no, it’s all right, thank you very much -- I don’t need a back-scratch, even though it has been a long time since anyone has volunteered for that. I really do appreciate the sentiment, but I’m not sure removing your arm for the sake of a back-scratcher is going to go well for your employer. They need you to have all your limbs intact for you to work efficiently as a security guard. One must never allow for raw sentiments to cost one their job.
Now, let’s get to work, shall we? Since I’ve been hired as the deputy of paper-work in this camp, we might as well start with the vanguard. We will go by the paperwork system as prescribed by the head of camp here at Camp F… F... F--! … I cannot say it. It’s far too crude of a word to be used in the presence of a lady. A lady is a lady, be the lady the jewel of the Libyan crown or hairy as a gorilla’s behind, and we of Pandora are taught to respect such designations. However, the title of the camp must be said, so I shall use the word ‘Fish’ in its place. Thus, for the sake of the head of Camp Fish You Die, and for the convenience of all, the paperwork is all color-coded. Purple is for the undead. Pink is for the gorillas. The ones with the yellow polka dots are for the inanimate objects to be filled out after an extensive interview. And for the red-green color-blind, there are red-green sheets that one must fill out. And after all the paperwork has been filled out, they must be transported to the paper shredding plant to be… shredded… for…
… they are going to shred my precious paperwork?
Poll Vote!
Character: Mako Shiraishi
Series: Samurai Sentai Shinkenger
Character Age: 24
Job: Camp Mom (Caretaker of the younger campers.)
Canon: In Samurai Sentai Shinkenger, a group of monsters known as the Gedoushu creep into the human world and cause mayhem. The ones who have the task of fending off these creatures are the Shinkengers, a group of modern day samurai chosen by their lineage and trained from childhood. At their disposal are a series of giant animal robots (referred to as Origami) and the power of Mojikara, an ability that allows them to write kanji symbols that create what they scrawl as reality. It is with this power that they transform into their traditional samurai bodysuits and charge into battle.
It bears mentioning that in this canon, samurai are power rangers.
One of these rangers is Mako Shiraishi. Known as ShinkenPink when in uniform, Mako is affiliated with the element of wind, wielding the Heaven Fan as her weapon of choice. The oldest member of the team, Mako is far and away the most mature of her group. A former kindergarten teacher, she adores children and tends to play caretaker and big sister to whoever is troubled or upset around her. If there's someone crying or angry within earshot, they can expect a hug from Mako. Most of the time, she's composed and a bit cool towards her teammates, but she is loyal to them and supports them the minute things get hard. After awhile, her allies even refer to her as 'nee-san' or 'big sister'. Her need to play mother to others likely comes from her own parents leaving her to be trained by her grandmother as a child. Mako's ultimate dream is to be a housewife with a happy family, and her nurturing nature serves her well. Her one weakness as a caretaker is her cooking. Throughout the series, her food evokes reactions of horror, illness, and disbelief that anything could taste so bad. On the one occasion she produces something edible her teammates nearly faint from amazement and relief.
Sample Post:
Good morning children! I am Miss Mako and I will be taking care of you today. I know being trapped in camp might seem like a tough situation, but I promise you that it can be fun too! We can still sing songs and play games. We can have campfires and tell stories. And look at all the unusual wildlife there is to see. I see toucans and gorillas, and I've heard tell of a very... unique squid living nearby. Maybe we go on an expedition and find it today! Come on, it will be fun so cheer up and stop moaning. You're all so pale and hunched over! Children should be smiling and rosy. Remember you are the future of camp, so it's up to you to make camp a happier place. I will help all of you in any way I can! That's a promise.
For now let's try and make camp a more beautiful place. A lovely camp will make us all feel a bit better. I found some crayons and paper before I came here today. The crayons scream when you draw with them, but I am pretty sure they're just joke products so don't worry. We should all draw what we want camp to look like! Use plenty of color and make it yours. I'll go around and help those of you having trouble getting started.
Oh, what's wrong little one, don't you like to draw? Let me see what you've done. Oh... this is your family? You miss them don't you? I know how hard it is to spend some time growing up without your mother and father to show you the way. I was raised by my grandmother, but I'm not mad at my parents. They were trying to do what was right, and I'm sure your parents are too. They sent you to camp because they wanted you to have all sorts of wonderful experiences. Even though you are a zombie, they wanted you to have a normal childhood. So cheer up, crying boy. You are here because your parents love you.
I have something that will make you feel better. In fact, children, come over here. One of you bring my bag to me, please. I know how hungry children get and soup every Tuesday must get awfully dull. With that in mind, I packed these rice balls I made myself. Please eat them, knowing they were made with love. Don't just sniff at them! They are supposed to smell like that. It's just the natural aroma coming through. Yes, there you go! Dig in!
I see... perhaps you're right. Now is a good time for an after-snack nap. I'll save the rest for later.
Poll Vote!