(no subject)
FIRST COUNSELOR ROUND, YAY. Looks like this is a smallish batch, but we still ask for your patience as we post apps as fast as we can!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. KER-CLOSED.
Character: Adachi Toru.
Series: Persona 4. [beware of falling spoilers!]
Age: 28.
Job: Guidance Counselor (and Part-Time Coffee Bitch).
Canon: Persona 4, the latest game in Atlus's RPG series, follows Seta Souji and his friends as they try to unravel the truth behind two murders in their quiet town of Inaba. In order to do so as well as prevent any further murders, they must venture into another world - one beyond their televisions - and fight Shadows with their Persona to rescue potential victims. It makes sense, really! All the while, the police of Inaba keep up their own investigation of the murders, with Souji's uncle, Dojima Ryotaro, essentially heading up the investigation.
Adachi Toru is Dojima's junior partner. Young and seemingly inexperienced, Adachi came to Inaba only a few months before Souji, making him just as much of a newcomer. He approaches most things with a smile on his face, preferring to take a light-hearted attitude when he can, and has a casual way of speaking. Unfortunately, he has a nasty habit of running his mouth a bit too much, letting information slip at a critical moment. Still, Adachi is a cop, and is far more competant than he initially seems to be - when he actually lets it show.
SPOILER ALERT!: Except for the part where Adachi is the culprit behind the murders in question and spends much of the game playing the fool to keep from being suspected while manipulating events via suggestions when he can. To him, things are a game! However, as of the true ending, he seems to have mellowed out - still quite the bastard, but not nearly as unhinged as he came off towards the end. Because of this, Adachi is being apped from after the true ending.
Sample Post:
- Whoa, sorry there! I didn't even see you come in! Which is ... kinda funny now that I think about it and get a good look at you. Are you okay there? You seem pretty green around the edges, literally speaking. Anyway, come on in, Mister- you're not really a "Mister" at all, are you. Oh man, I'm real sorry about that, Miss! You'll have to bear with me since I'm a little new at this job. Sure, I mean, I listened to a lot of people back where I used to work, but jobs like "guidance counselor" and all that? It's out of my league. The whole "coffee slave" part of it is more familiar, though! ... I don't wanna know what that says about me.
But enough about me! We're here to talk about you, right? And your, uh, problems. It looks like you've got a lot of 'em, if you don't mind me saying. Besides the whole green and rotting thing, I mean! From what people have been telling me, this place can be difficult to cope with, which'd definitely make things problematic. Take this coffee right here, for example. It's decaf! A lot of people take comfort in a good cup of coffee, but man, not if it's decaf. My old boss would murder me with the shards of this coffee pot if I brought this crap to him, you know? If you want some though, be my guest! I guess it can't really do much more harm to you, huh.
Sooo, what seems to be the problem? Like I said, you look kinda down! ... Oh, I see. Relationship problems, huh. You caught your boyfriend giving his heart to someone else? And what, you had nothing to do with that? Huhhh. -I-I mean, it's the same old story no matter what, isn't it. Human or zombie! Boy meets girl, they go out, and all seems swell! 'Til she catches him with some other woman, that is. ... Oh, you meant that he actually gave her his heart, h-haha! I just thought it was some kind of turn of phrase ...! You guys are a literal bunch sometimes, aren't you? That was- That was something I could've gone without knowing ever.
S-Sorry, but this isn't really my field of expertise. I'm actually a detective, and not some armchair psychologist. I'm not even good with suggestions! Especially when it comes to this sort of thing. The best I'd have is... well, have you ever heard of the bonsai kittens? You know, with the cats growing in the glass jars? It always sounded kind of warped, but I hear some girls were pretty into that stuff. If you really wanted your guy to stick around, you could always try something like that with him there instead of the kitten. Then he'd always be around! You're zombies, so ... it'd work out somehow. If you had a big enough container- Gah! Me and my big mouth, always going off like that. And blabbering on about something really crazy, too. Sorry about that. You can just ignore me, Miss!
... Miss? Hey, where are you going with my coffee pot-
- hahaha, wow! I didn't think she'd take that seriously. That was a little over the top, even for me. This job'll be easier than I thought after all! Next!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Dojima Ryotaro
Series: Persona 4
Age: 43
Job: Fatherhood Advisor
Canon: Inaba was just your average sleepy little town in Middle of Nowhere, Japan -- at least until a series of bizarre murders, a progressively worsening fog problem, and rumors of a mysterious "Midnight Channel" on TV came along and livened things up. Into the midst of this comes Seta Souji, a second year transfer student, sent to stay with family in Inaba while his parents spend the year working overseas. It's up to Souji to rally his newfound friends and solve the mystery; luckily, he's got a little help from a strange power called Persona.
Dojima Ryotaro is Souji's uncle, a harried police detective who takes him in despite an obvious lack of knowledge in how to deal with raising kids -- even his own, left motherless after his wife's death in an accident. Between the demands of the new cases and an old one he can't let go of, Dojima's workaholic habits leave him with little time to give attention to his young daughter Nanako. Despite being a little rough around the edges and a little quick to snap at people, however, Dojima means well, and with his nephew's help, he's finally able to open his eyes to the problems he's creating within his own household -- and the steps he needs to take to fix them and start acting like a real father.
Sample Entry: Okay, quiet down, all of you. Let's get this started. You're all here for fatherhood advising, right? Panty Raids 101 is in the next cabin over, so -- do they really have those kind of activities here? Anyway. We're going to talk about good parenting, so you'll all know how to treat your kids -- which most of you look way too young to be having, if you ask me, but Ms. Sayre hired me to do a job and I'm going to do it. So first on the agenda here, we have "Promoting Intellectual Development: Raising Children With Bigger and Tastier Brains" ...wait, what? Who wrote these?
Forget it. We're doing this my way now, so listen up -- yes, I'm talking to you, in the back! You're too dead to have children? Yeah, sure, whatever you say, kid. That's still no excuse for distracting everyone else here! If you don't think you're going to take anyway anything useful from this, why don't you I give you something useful to do? Get me some coffee.
Where was I?
The first thing you've got to do as a father is accept your responsibility as one. Just living in the same house, or having the same blood ... that doesn't make you a real family. If you don't man up and act like a father, you're just going to be a failure. Your first duty is to be there. Not just for the big things, like birthdays, or their first steps, but for little things, too. Like comforting them after the first time they meet Marcy, or helping them through their first genderswi...forget it, that doesn't make any sense. I should have a word with the director about these notes. I mean, things like reading them bedtime stories, taking care of them when they're sick, not leaving them alone in the house on a regular basis when there's a serial killer running around unapprehended...believe me, I've got experience with this stuff.
You might not be much good at knowing what to say or do. Hell, I know I'm not. But if you run away from taking the responsibility on, you're never going to learn, and things will just get even more awkward. You don't want to be a stranger to your own family, even if -- is that my coffee? Good timing...ugh, this tastes horrible!
Class is suspended for the day, kids. The grey rotting punk and I are heading down to the director's office to discuss what the hell he put in my coffee.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Jonathan Crane/"Scarecrow"
Series: DC Comics Universe
Age: Mid-thirties.
Job: Substance Abuse Counselor
Canon: Gotham City -- everyone's favorite wretched hive of scum and villainy. With its corpse-laden waters, maximum-security prisons, and iconic Dark Knight, Gotham is everyone's first choice of residence when they make the somewhat misguided decision to become a symbol of domestic terror.
Doctor Jonathan Crane takes the term "terrorist" somewhat more literally than the average person. Once a respectable psychiatrist, his fascination with the concept of fear drove him out of his teaching position at Gotham University. Unwilling to forfeit his obsession and embittered by his past, Crane turned to career villainy. Bad idea? Possibly, considering he's hardly the most athletic of creatures and his nemesis is the goddamn Batman. But there are few lengths to which Crane won't go to pursue his research. He'll kill, steal, you name it -- all in the name of science. Thoroughly defined by his intellectual pursuits, Crane is known throughout Gotham's seedy underbelly simply as the Scarecrow.
Costume-clad or not, Crane is always an eloquent intellectual with a weakness for theatrics. He's the type who finds a certain charm in lengthy discourses about his master plan. His brain is his biggest asset, and he knows it. He's haughty and dignified -- and above all else, he's just megalomaniacal enough to never call it quits. Not like getting beaten up by a six-foot-something guy dressed like a bat ever stopped any self-respecting villain in motherfucking Gotham City.
Sample Post:
"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
... Nietzsche, ladies and gentlemen. I realize your literary inventory is composed of such savourless farces as If You Give A Toucan A Tibium and Goodnight Moon (Oh Sweet Jesus, It's Looking Right At Me), but you needn't look so obviously perplexed. Wide eyes are easy prey for parched, intrepid insects ... and, well. It wouldn't take a doctor to diagnose the dangers of letting mangled jowls hang low, wobble to and fro, and the like. Straighten up, would you? Bear yourself with dignity, for God's sake. Skulking ruins the posture -- if you must draw suspicion with your very stance, I would instead recommend lurking more.
Now, good listeners keep their traps shut and their ears open ... and clear of debris. You in the back -- don't think I can't see that abhorrent seepage. No wonder you beg and moan for gray matter; you're leaking it. Pay attention, please! I'm not overfond of repeating myself, and there are entirely too few intact ears to justify so many people. You're in a summer camp; surely by now sharing is one of the skills you've acquired over the months.
The name is Doctor Jonathan Crane, and I'm the new substance abuse counselor of this godforsaken locale. Yes, once again the world has seen fit to provide a new and exciting way to squander my talents. My specialty is fear, not addiction. I mean ... addiction? Take a good, long look at yourselves, my tepid audience -- your varying states of physical disrepair! The desires you may have known in life, reduced to a squashy, cerebral singularity after death! And ask yourself, with tongues so well-rotted they resemble frozen grocery meat: Is addiction really the worst of my problems? And in the sweltering Louisiana heat, with only the company of a few ephemeral friends to hold you in contempt for your vices, ask yourself: aren't drugs a little difficult to come by anyway?
The correct answers, in order, are "no" and "usually".
In a place where care and maintenance of the self is no longer an honest issue, sniffing cocaine becomes the equivalent of sniffing confectionery sugar. For boredom I instead would prescribe intellectual pursuits. Like Nietzsche, whom I quoted when all the words I found to describe this new horror proved inadequate ... Oh, no, you do me a disservice by assuming I regard this wretched place with fear and fear alone. Like I said, fear is my specialty. This camp, with its banal clichés and B-movie lunacy, simply bears some small resemblance to a world I might have imagined -- a world fraught with horror. Such a bastion of terror could only exist in the southeast. Sweet home Louisiana, eh? Where the skies rain down with rue ...
... I said -- rue, not ... goo. That's ... that's just vile.
Poll Vote!
Character: Albert Wesker
Series: Resident Evil
Character Age: 48
Counselor Job: Camp Life Surveillance and Enhancement
Canon: Resident Evil is a series about shady people and companies that cause viral outbreaks and zombie apocalypses. The heroes of the Resident Evil world get caught up right in the middle of these tough times, and are forced to fight their way out. They battle zombies, as well as things with claws and tentacles, even monsters bigger than battleships along the way. With every set of heroes, however, there come the enemies. Some who embed themselves so deeply into almost every situation, lurking in the shadows and manipulating almost everything happening through a story. That would be the role of Albert Wesker.
Starting off as a double-crosser of his own equivalent to a SWAT-team, Wesker gains superhuman strength and speed through a virus injection, leaving him a force you hope you'll never have to deal with first hand. A brilliant former researcher of many different types of viruses, Wesker is cold, calculating and power-hungry. He's threatened the well-being of a man's family to get him to follow his orders, and he even goes so far as to bring down a global company for his own gain. He's very composed and very sure of himself (as one who thinks he can pass judgment on humanity usually is), and he rarely loses his temper, even when a situation doesn't go as originally planned. After all, any good bad guy has to be competent enough to be doing his thing for most of his life. And willing to betray allies when their use is up, as well as punch them meddling good guys through the heart if they try to stop him.
Sample Post:
The viral mutations in this environment are certainly interesting. The formerly human subjects don't seem to show much change: reanimated corpses, still endlessly hungry for human flesh, yet still dead on their feet in terms of response. These "zombies" are known to mutate into a much deadlier form, with better agility and heightened strength. Some of these probably aren't too far from that point, where they'll really start to pose a threat on the available test subjects. Or the residents, as they believe themselves to be. In the meantime, they do still have to deal with the subjects' adapted tactic of using lost limbs, be it their own or the remains of others, to pelt and bludgeon potential victims (if their own arms are still intact for this feat).
The effects on the animals here are even more curious. A disgruntled toucan capable of telepathic communication introduced himself to me as Toucan Frank. Angry that he lost a job position to his brother Sam, something about a nose-following mascot contract... the point there is that the animals are showing great signs of intelligence. The infected apes with the distinctive coloring are even offering their own "spank these monkeys" service advertisements. Though these examples are... strange, at most, this level of intelligence is what I'm looking for when it comes to results. I plan on studying these mutations more closely over time, as this location is ripe with material.
The plant life is behaving as expected. Their roots and vines are growing to abnormally large proportions, and are capable of independent movement. This gives them more of an edge to capture food, adapting to their newly found hunger for live prey. When studying these plants in their natural habitat, however, they don't seem to actually be capturing much of anything. When questioning victims who have run into these subjects, the overall response on their attack pattern is merely a whipping of... below the belt, as one put it. Not the slightest attempt to capture and feed. The aforementioned apes seem to have taken a liking to them, so at the very least a sense of balance is starting to form between the creatures. I'll have to look into this and see if there's anything I can do to... fix these problems, and help the plants along to be more independent when it comes to sustenance. Though there's only so much I'm willing to do to help anything along, against the will of natural selection. If these subjects can't act or help themselves along, then they really should be disposed of to leave room for ones that do show better signs of improvement.
My final subject is the mutated creature in the lake, B.O.W. #69, or "Marcy," as she's known by others. Whatever's in that lake is doing a wonder on her size and that number of tentacles, I've already taken the time to secure a vial of it for future study. She's showing very good results in waiting for prey to come in close, and then make her move. Currently, she's capable of capturing small animals at most, but in the case of humans that would sustain her even better, but she lacks an adequate amount of speed and tactic. However, that's something that can be fixed with a little bit of practice. After all, that's why I'm here.
Do you hear that, girl? You'll have real targets soon enough. In the meantime, if you'll let me do the honor in preparing you for that, I'll give you a much appreciated workout. Though be warned, trying to pull a fast one on somebody trying to help you, especially me, will leave you with a few less tentacles to work with. So watch where you're putting those things. Everybody here will be thrilled to see what new tricks you can do after I'm through with you.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Cho Hakkai
Series: Saiyuki
Age: 23
Job: Grief Counselor
Canon: Saiyuki: a story where four ignoble heroes -- a buddhist priest, a monkey, a lecher, and a mass-murderer -- take a road trip to the West to stop an evil demonness from resurrecting her demon lord lover through the heretical combination of science and magic, an act which causes tragedy as it sends a "minus wave" throughout the land that drives youkai (demons) crazy. The manga follows their trip as they fight, booze, and slaughter would-be assassins along the way. One of these four -- the aforementioned mass-murderer -- is one "Cho Hakkai".
Hakkai is -- as they all are -- deeply scarred by the tragedies of his past. Originally, he was a gentle young schoolteacher. However, when his sister-lover was kidnapped, Hakkai went on a killing spree that caused him to bathe in the blood of 1000 youkai and turned him into a youkai himself. He tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it didn't even matter: he couldn't save her. Now, four years later, his temperament can only be described as sunny, full of good cheer, and deeply, deeply twisted. Hakkai smiles constantly, talks quite merrily, cracks jokes (...mostly really bad puns), and heartmarks with the best of them... but his words are filled with vague allusions to his dark past and his jokes are excessively morbid. He speaks in a lighthearted but formal (and frequently carefully gentle) manner, with a lot of interjections: well, my my, etc. Hakkai is polite to a fault and has a fussy, motherly personality. Sure, this may make him the "nagging wife" of the group -- but since they know him very well indeed, his friends consider him, without a doubt, "the scary one". If he politely requests his companions keep their cigarettes in the ashtray, they had damn well better keep the cigarettes in the goddamn ashtray or it's coming out of their hides ♥.
Sample App:
Oh my! What a situation we have here. When I heard I was heading to a summer camp, I had of course expected it to be a noisy place -- nobody squabbles quite like children, after all -- but I hadn't expected it to be loud enough to have awakened the dead! Haha... well, no helping it. I am Cho Hakkai, and it seems that I am to be your Grief Counselor. I have been told that I am here to help you to come to terms with the loss prevalent in your lives.
Indeed, to judge by how you look right now, it must be a role that has gone too long neglected. Honestly, you really should try not to rot everywhere; it's making a terrible mess. Whom, precisely, do you expect to clean this up? Please do pick up after yourselves. At any rate, shall we try to take this step by step, since you seem unwilling to move on -- or should I say 'pass on'? Let's begin~.
It is said that the first stage of dealing with loss is "denial". I must say, you clearly are well-accomplished at that one. You seem to be denying your own mortality, even to the point of ignoring your own decomposition! My goodness, the only thing that's undeniable is that the situation stinks -- well, perhaps a little more than the 'situation', if you take my meaning. Ahh... well, with stage one counted as a success, perhaps we should move to stage two: "Anger". In your situation, I've little doubt that you've experienced some of that. Of course, I can sympathize. Sometimes, when something truly terrible has occurred, there is nothing left to you but anger. Ah, in that situation, all you desire in your life is to pile up bodies around you until you could build a tower to the sky from corpses to breach the heavens so that you might climb it and take back what was so cruelly torn from you...
Ah, but here we seem to have found a problem in your case. You see, anger's all well and good -- though, you realize, it will never actually get you what you truly wish for. But your anger is... hmm, how can I put this? Inefficient. You seem to have combined the next two stages of grief into your rage -- "bargaining" and "depression" -- but done so in the manner least helpful to yourselves. Pleading "brains, brains" while shambling about aimlessly? My goodness, how positively heartbreaking to watch! Who could see that and not wish to relieve some of your suffering? It's with that in mind I turn my eye towards the last stage: "acceptance" of loss and of the necessity of mortality.
It seems not to be something any of you have mastered yet. Here you are, still up and walking around, after all you've been through, rather than lying down and simply accepting your due. Oh, of course, I understand entirely. After all, look at me~. Despite everything, here I am, not accepting things in the slightest. But, haha, you know what they say: "Those who can't do, teach." Let me bring your situation directly to you in an undeniable fashion.
In short, please die~. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Nogami Airi
Series: Kamen Rider Den-O
Age: 22
Job: Coffee Specialist
Canon: Kamen Rider Den-O is a series about a boy named Ryoutarou Nogami and time-traveling monsters who will grant a single wish at the mere price of one's past. They are trying to take over time or, more precisely, destroy it for great injustice! And Ryoutarou is the one who can save the day- except we're not talking about him right now, we're talking about his older sister.
Nogami Airi is the owner of a quaint little coffee shop named Milk Dipper. She's quite fluent in the language of coffee; she makes an effort to make coffee that everyone can enjoy. She's also considered a beauty and usually has a horde of men leaving gifts for her in the coffee shop -- gifts that she tends to ignore because she's completely oblivious to most of reality. Due to this, Airi usually tends to smile and go with the flow. She is kind and almost unbearably sweet, wanting everyone to find their own star of happiness to guide them.
Sample Entry: Eh? Is this the place? I'm sure this is the place. Are you a tour guide? You are? Then it's good to meet you; my name is Nogami Airi and I'll be your new Coffee Specialist. I'll try my best to teach your campers the intricacies of coffee in all its forms, including several special blends that I've created through diligent practice and trial and error. It's a very serious subject and I'd like very much to help those that would like to learn. However, before we continue, I'd like to inquire about a certain young man. You see, I came here after seeing a brochure I found behind one of the tables in my coffee shop. After reading it over I couldn't help but think that this is where my little brother went.
Oh! Where are my manners? Babbling on like that when I haven't even gotten your name. Mr. Blains? That's a very lovely name, Mr. Blains. But, you see, it's just very hard to concentrate on work knowing my Ryou-chan is missing. He's been gone for quite some time now. At first I thought he might have gotten lost in the forest again. There was also that time the circus mistook him for one of their runaways and it took thirteen days to convince them that he wasn't Mikelo the Midget. It isn't his fault; he's really a good boy, but his luck is very bad. It's why I thought he might have come to this camp.
See, it even says here, "Camp Fuck You Die: The place where all your dreams come true." So would you kindly show me to the office of the director. I'm sure she knows where he is . . . You'll escort me? Why that's very nice of you, Mr. Blains. My, and you're so strong even though your arm seems to be falling apart. Oh, that's quite kind of you, but there's no need to give it to me; the bow itself is a very nice touch though. It brings out the green in your skin quite well.
However, instead of giving it to me I think I have some cream for that . . . or perhaps it's vitamin deficiency? Have you been eating your vegetables? No? That's not good. You need to follow the food pyramid, Mr. Blains. Please hold on a moment; I've brought along some necessities from home that might just help. Ah! Here it is! It's my special Chinese herbal health drink. There's goat's milk, lapsang souchong, mushrooms, oranges, bananas, seaweed, rum, oats, apples, celery- Eh? Why are you running away? Was it something I said? Mr. Blains? It was very nice to meet you; please come visit the new Milk Dipper if you can~
Poll Vote!
Character: The Tenth Doctor
Series: Doctor Who
Character Age: 900ish.
Counselor Job: Last Minute Escape Coordinator
Canon: Doctor Who, otherwise known lately as Britain's best export, is a show that has run for decades, telling the tale of an alien adventurer, his spaceship the TARDIS (the sports car of time travel, don't you know) and his large variety of human (and vaguely human, and occasionally robotic dog) companions. Doctor Who travels the universe - although, oddly enough, most of the time they seem to be hanging around London. Ah, budgeting. Through its lifespan, the show has thrown its hero up against terrifying monsters, natural disasters, and often the dregs of humanity. The Doctor himself lives for adventure, of course, but it could also be said that he's just looking for a place to rest.
The Doctor has been wandering the universe for centuries; a Time Lord -- or rather the last of the Time Lords -- he bears the rather whopping secret of what happened to his race like a ball and chain. The Doctor has had several incarnations over the years, his current one being a rather cheeky individual with a bright grin and a fast mouth who has a penchant for being just a touch on the side of mean, along with usually being right. Fond of little shops in hospitals, spouting random languages and the sound of his own voice, the Doctor has adopted humanity as his surrogate race over the years, going to great lengths to defend them, even at great loss to himself. A hero, a wanderer, a Renaissance man, the Doctor is a myth and a legend and an enigma, all wrapped up in a dorky package with relatively fashionable shoes.
Note: Autons are plastic dummies that bite. "Allons-y" is French for "let's go!".
Sample Post:
Oi! No, wait. I'm sorry, that's a terrible way to start a conversation, isn't it? Let's try again. Hello! I'm the Doctor. Now, since we're here, let me tell you a little something about travel. Sometimes, you know exactly where you're going and when you get there, it's not what you're expecting. That's always a bit rubbish. A good example of that is tourist spots; oh, it looks great on the brochure, then you get there and it's covered in Autons and it turns into a working holiday. But often, you go somewhere just because it might surprise you; sometimes, you get pointers from something completely bizarre. Such as getting coordinates appearing on a piece of psychic paper you happen to own, plus a full contract of employment! Now that's ridiculous. This piece of psychic paper is about the size of my wallet. Good job I had a microscope handy! Talk about small print.
So, once you've found a direction, you have to figure out if it's right for you. This Camp Fuck You Die. You - what's your name, by the way? Gary? - are one of the nicer individuals of the purple gorilla gorilla species I've met lately, so I'll give you this little piece of knowledge for free. This place shouldn't exist. I can tell just by looking around that it is an anomaly in time and space caused by a geohistorical rift in the eighteenth matrix-- all right, I can tell by your face that you're not going to grasp this, and I'm only saying it because I'm not keen on saying 'magic portal'. It sounds a bit naff, doesn't it? Portal? All the same. It shouldn't exist, but that's the best thing about the universe - sometimes things exist that really shouldn't. And those things can be beautiful.
And, sometimes they can smell like something died! And don't get me started on the welcome party. First thing I see when I get here is a group of girls waiting around with welcome banners. Sadly, I couldn't help but notice - and I'm the last to judge on appearances, mind you - those girls were sort of dead. Now, there are a lot of things in the universe I approve of, and a lot of things I don't. Way down there on the dislike list, along with Kindergarten Cop - good old President Schwarzenegger, bad politician but worse actor - wait, hang on, was that a spoiler? - is reanimating the dead. For one thing, it's a basic contravention of human rights. Secondly, it's kind of sticky. Yet-- ... hmm. In a big old jump of topic, let's talk about this lake. Because we've been standing here the whole time I've been talking, and there's a couple of things I've noticed. Firstly, I don't know if you've noticed this, but that lake has tentacles in it, one of which is sliding about your ankle right now.
Don't panic. Just for a moment, stay very still. Let me reintroduce myself. I'm the Doctor. And the good news for you, Gary the Gorilla, is that I am Camp Fuck You Die's brand new Last Minute Escape Coordinator, so guess what! You're in luck. The bad news - and for an individual in heels like those, this is quite bad - is that this escape? It's going to involve running. Plenty of running. Allons-y!
Poll Vote!
Name:Mickey Mouse.
Series: Kingdom Hearts-canon.
Age: 80 years says Wikipedia, but let’s just go with “adult”.
Job: Mascot coach.
Canon:
If you were to tell Walt Disney back in 1920 that one day his little cartoon mouse would become one of the biggest and most widely recognized mascots ever, he would have chuckled and maybe, just maybe, winked knowingly at you. If you then told him ”and then he’s going to fight monsters fashioned from pure malice with a giant key and pal around with ambiguously polyamorous teenagers!” he might have still done the same, just with added cries for security to come take you away. Yet lo and behold: Mickey Mouse, wellknown and beloved icon of Disney starred in the surprising crossover megahit series ”Kingdom Hearts”, as a wise and kind leather-coat-clad badass with a heart of gold, who split his screentime between fighting the forces of primordial darkness that seek to devour the very essence of all life and giving lonely emo-kids helping doses of selfimagetherapy.
Mickey Mouse as he is in Kingdom Hearts series is the king of an entire world, and has been fighting the good fight against the series various shambling horrors for many years. Plucky and upbeat, Mickey always has a kind word for his friends and allies and often sympathy and understanding for his enemies. Mickey always tries to see the best in people and work toward the happiest possible ending, no matter how much the odds are stacked against that ending. Caring, upbeat and lighthearted to all he sees as his friends, he’s the calm straight man to the histrionic Donald and the airheaded Goofy. But don’t you underestimate him: when push comes to shove you do NOT want to stand in his way. When the Mouse has made up his mind he will stop at nothing, and his experience in combat and dedication to his friends means that no wannabe silverhaired world destroyer will stand in his mousy way.
Note: Mickey is being taken from after Chain of Memories, as he and Riku begins their journey together.
Sample Entry:
Everyone, I’ve got some news to share. From now on, I am going to be in charge of the new subdivision of camp, ”Camp FUzzy Darlings”, the group dedicated to putting smiles on people’s faces instead of chills up their spines! You see, your Director approached me with quite a mean sales pitch… ‘mean’ meant literally. If I didn’t help her make you people full fledged ‘attractive ‘mascots, she threatened that she was gonna abuse you guys even more than she usually does. I told her I wouldn’t accept being threatened like that and would help you all escape, and she replied with an impenetrable barrier. If that hadn’t sealed the deal, seeing what you guys go through in here sure did. No roof over your heads, hazards around every corner, and the only lake gives “dirty” a whole new meaning. So if I’m gonna help, I might as well start with the assignment she gave me: to help you become the new faces of camp! Because if you got the guts to sell stuff, you’ve got the guts to stand up against a bossy employer… lack of faces and guts on some of you notwithstanding.
So, who wants to show what they got? How about you mister- oh, miss Landshark. I guess your charm and all three rows of those pearly whites must’ve done a number on my vision. So what’ve you got for us… you wrote a new anthem for camp? Great, let me take a look!
”I’m a shaaaark, lick my…” Okay, anyone else? Anyone?
Alright, mr… Braaisner, I see here you used to be a cookie-salesman back in the boyscouts, huh? Well, since you look like you could crumble any second I guess I can believe that-oh! Gosh I am so sorry mr Braaisner, it was just a joke to lighten up the mood a little, I didn’t think you’d take me literally! Come on, pull yourself together buddy. I know it’s not easy taking the stage, but when I’m in a pinch there’re a couple of words I like to recall, to help me get my spirit back. They go a little like this…
You can do it, it’s all up to you mmmkay~ With a little plan you can change your life today~
You don’t have to spend your life addicted to smack~ Homeless on the streets getting handj-
-Okay, that was NOT what I was gonna sing. Who’s the funny guy who sent me the wrong… of course, telepathic toucans. Of all the telepathic song-prompter birds, it had to be toucans. Their tastes are as loopy as their cereal and not even half as sweet. This is why I prefer woodland birds…
You know, never mind all this singin’ business. I don’t need to sing to tell you that you do have the power to be a mascot. Sure, people might tell ya you’re not ”cute”, but who’re they to make that call? Everyone’s got their own idea of what’s cute or ”presentable”, and maybe your face is just the kinda face some people out there want’s to see! Besides… being a face is about more than just your face. I think it’s about standing up and showing the world who you are and what you believe in, even if it’s scary. Because the light that doesn’t falter in the face of great darkness, is the light that people are gonna take notice of. And once they’ve seen that, no fellah with or without brains for that matter are gonna judge you by the way you look.
… Aww shucks everyone, you don’t need to do a whole song and dance number just because of that little speech. It is a catchy song though! You’re so fine you blow my mind- GOOD GRAVY! What’s wrong with this place, is everything taken literally!? Well that does it! I’m not gonna stand for this! I’m going to help you get away from this director if it’s the last thing I do, because I-”-‘m your own, personaaal, Jesus! Someone to answer your prayers, someone who caaares-”
-… You’ve won today’s battle, toucans. But you have not won the war.
Poll Vote!
Character: Excalibur
Series: Soul Eater
Character Age: His legend began in the 12th century.
Job: Teller of Tales and Lauder of Legends (about himself)
Canon: The Shinigami Technical School, better known as Shibusen, trains young weapons users (called meisters) and their weapon friends (called...weapons) to fight together in teams and eradicate the forces of evil and evil insanity. Meisters and their weapons must have compatible soul wavelengths in order to function at their very best. But enough about that-this application isn't about any of those boring other characters, it's about Excalibur! The Holy Sword himself! Wielded by glorious heroes of yore! A weapon so fantastic that the issue of matching soul wavelengths with meisters is but a mere trifle to him, allowing any meister who comes along to use him and the incredible powers of godmode he possesses! So does the amazing Excalibur have an equally amazing meister to kick some evil ass? Well...no. Because while Excalibur's soul is compatible with any old meister, his personality's a completely different story. A story-or legend, if you will, that began in the 12th century, as he'll tell you over and over and over again...
Excalibur, glorious Holy Sword of Legends and Heroes, is annoying. Anyone who wants to use him as a weapon must agree to a thousand-clause contract which must be very strictly adhered to. These conditions include items from the ridiculous (number 22: refreshing mornings call for refreshing greetings!) to the incredibly brain-numbing (number 452: mandatory daily five-hour storytime). Add a tendency to frequently interrupt and completely ignore others (usually with sudden and crazy tangents, but sometimes through song and dance!) to his long winded, redundant, and often contradictory nature, and you'll get a clear picture as to why everyone has put this sword back in the stone for years and years.
Sample Post:
Ahem. What does this place call itself? No matter-you fellow over there, do you wish to hear of my epic legend? Very well! Do not stop me if you've heard this one, as any tale such as this deserves to be heard repeatedly. With a fresh perspective as well, so clear your head in order to prepare yourself for a legend the likes of which you have never experienced before! Excellently done. I expect nothing less than self-induced decapitation from a potential meister of mine!
And so, my legend began in the 12th century-fool! Cease your decaying, your shambling, your unending hunger for brains at once! Remember clause number 573: the sound of my voice must never be diminished by demands for earthly desires. This, of course, being directly extrapolated from clause number 58: when I am humming a tune to myself, you must refrain from speaking. It will serve you well to commit every one of my thousand rules to memory, down to the individual morphoneme! Speaking of which, I will now invoke clause number 452 and use my designated five-hour storytime of the day to regale you with a short recounting of my exploits around the world. Today and the rest of the month will follow my saga in central Eastern North America, so sit yourself down-carefully, mind! It won't do to fall apart during the middle of designated five-hour storytime, much less at the beginning! Fool.
Now, this is a tale-a marvelous tale! Of how my life was overturned, moved 180 degrees, flipped, mayhap even turned upside down, if I may say so. And I may. I was literally turned upside down countless times during my short-lived but extremely successful stint in the Wrongling Brothers' Amazing Circus of Amazing Acrobatics, after all. Let me tell you the extraordinary happenings of how I became a member of royalty in a town called-well, it matters not what it was called now. It was a different time back then, one of untamed wildness and roughly hewn characters, of well-meaning women and hi-top fade hairstyles. The important thing to take away from this is that this town was located within a presidential republic, a land that had long since discarded that so-called yoke of monarchy in a fit of youthful rebellion. It was quite the era back then as well, as all eras tend to become extraordinary in the tale of Excalibur, to the point where the extraordinary becomes but ordinary! Ha! Haha!
But I have digressed enough. In the dangerous streets of a certain metropolis in Pennsylvania, an eastern state of the United States of America-though the streets of the city in question were of a western orientation! Do not forget this! In those dangerous streets, I was neither born nor raised. That would be in the wild and woolly lands of Albion, by those striking white cliffs of Dover! Or perhaps it was those faerie-filled fields in the fiefdoms of fallen days now long gone? No, it was surely the dark moors where Heathcliff would later yearn for his mad love, yes! Those very moors! Yes, yes, Emily Brontë once gazed upon my broodingly mysterious visage, carved out of primal magnetism itself, and was struck with the inspiration for her life's work right then and there! And thus my legend began in the 12th century, by those cliffs or fields or moors or yes, maybe it was in the center of a tremendous lake after all...
FOOLS! You dare question the Holy Sword Excalibur as to the specifics of his own beginnings?! Your complaints are but as feeble kittens in a raging typhoon of righteousness and infallibility! They may bat their soft, tiny paws weakly against me in an utterly endearing manner, but in the end it is I alone who has the right to hurl them into the mud of history long-forgotten and ignored, or into the shining pathway to Glory and Victory!
Ahem.
Returning to the subject at hand, did you know? My legend began in the 12th century! Do you wish to hear of my epic tale?!
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. KER-CLOSED.
Character: Adachi Toru.
Series: Persona 4. [beware of falling spoilers!]
Age: 28.
Job: Guidance Counselor (and Part-Time Coffee Bitch).
Canon: Persona 4, the latest game in Atlus's RPG series, follows Seta Souji and his friends as they try to unravel the truth behind two murders in their quiet town of Inaba. In order to do so as well as prevent any further murders, they must venture into another world - one beyond their televisions - and fight Shadows with their Persona to rescue potential victims. It makes sense, really! All the while, the police of Inaba keep up their own investigation of the murders, with Souji's uncle, Dojima Ryotaro, essentially heading up the investigation.
Adachi Toru is Dojima's junior partner. Young and seemingly inexperienced, Adachi came to Inaba only a few months before Souji, making him just as much of a newcomer. He approaches most things with a smile on his face, preferring to take a light-hearted attitude when he can, and has a casual way of speaking. Unfortunately, he has a nasty habit of running his mouth a bit too much, letting information slip at a critical moment. Still, Adachi is a cop, and is far more competant than he initially seems to be - when he actually lets it show.
SPOILER ALERT!: Except for the part where Adachi is the culprit behind the murders in question and spends much of the game playing the fool to keep from being suspected while manipulating events via suggestions when he can. To him, things are a game! However, as of the true ending, he seems to have mellowed out - still quite the bastard, but not nearly as unhinged as he came off towards the end. Because of this, Adachi is being apped from after the true ending.
Sample Post:
- Whoa, sorry there! I didn't even see you come in! Which is ... kinda funny now that I think about it and get a good look at you. Are you okay there? You seem pretty green around the edges, literally speaking. Anyway, come on in, Mister- you're not really a "Mister" at all, are you. Oh man, I'm real sorry about that, Miss! You'll have to bear with me since I'm a little new at this job. Sure, I mean, I listened to a lot of people back where I used to work, but jobs like "guidance counselor" and all that? It's out of my league. The whole "coffee slave" part of it is more familiar, though! ... I don't wanna know what that says about me.
But enough about me! We're here to talk about you, right? And your, uh, problems. It looks like you've got a lot of 'em, if you don't mind me saying. Besides the whole green and rotting thing, I mean! From what people have been telling me, this place can be difficult to cope with, which'd definitely make things problematic. Take this coffee right here, for example. It's decaf! A lot of people take comfort in a good cup of coffee, but man, not if it's decaf. My old boss would murder me with the shards of this coffee pot if I brought this crap to him, you know? If you want some though, be my guest! I guess it can't really do much more harm to you, huh.
Sooo, what seems to be the problem? Like I said, you look kinda down! ... Oh, I see. Relationship problems, huh. You caught your boyfriend giving his heart to someone else? And what, you had nothing to do with that? Huhhh. -I-I mean, it's the same old story no matter what, isn't it. Human or zombie! Boy meets girl, they go out, and all seems swell! 'Til she catches him with some other woman, that is. ... Oh, you meant that he actually gave her his heart, h-haha! I just thought it was some kind of turn of phrase ...! You guys are a literal bunch sometimes, aren't you? That was- That was something I could've gone without knowing ever.
S-Sorry, but this isn't really my field of expertise. I'm actually a detective, and not some armchair psychologist. I'm not even good with suggestions! Especially when it comes to this sort of thing. The best I'd have is... well, have you ever heard of the bonsai kittens? You know, with the cats growing in the glass jars? It always sounded kind of warped, but I hear some girls were pretty into that stuff. If you really wanted your guy to stick around, you could always try something like that with him there instead of the kitten. Then he'd always be around! You're zombies, so ... it'd work out somehow. If you had a big enough container- Gah! Me and my big mouth, always going off like that. And blabbering on about something really crazy, too. Sorry about that. You can just ignore me, Miss!
... Miss? Hey, where are you going with my coffee pot-
- hahaha, wow! I didn't think she'd take that seriously. That was a little over the top, even for me. This job'll be easier than I thought after all! Next!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Dojima Ryotaro
Series: Persona 4
Age: 43
Job: Fatherhood Advisor
Canon: Inaba was just your average sleepy little town in Middle of Nowhere, Japan -- at least until a series of bizarre murders, a progressively worsening fog problem, and rumors of a mysterious "Midnight Channel" on TV came along and livened things up. Into the midst of this comes Seta Souji, a second year transfer student, sent to stay with family in Inaba while his parents spend the year working overseas. It's up to Souji to rally his newfound friends and solve the mystery; luckily, he's got a little help from a strange power called Persona.
Dojima Ryotaro is Souji's uncle, a harried police detective who takes him in despite an obvious lack of knowledge in how to deal with raising kids -- even his own, left motherless after his wife's death in an accident. Between the demands of the new cases and an old one he can't let go of, Dojima's workaholic habits leave him with little time to give attention to his young daughter Nanako. Despite being a little rough around the edges and a little quick to snap at people, however, Dojima means well, and with his nephew's help, he's finally able to open his eyes to the problems he's creating within his own household -- and the steps he needs to take to fix them and start acting like a real father.
Sample Entry: Okay, quiet down, all of you. Let's get this started. You're all here for fatherhood advising, right? Panty Raids 101 is in the next cabin over, so -- do they really have those kind of activities here? Anyway. We're going to talk about good parenting, so you'll all know how to treat your kids -- which most of you look way too young to be having, if you ask me, but Ms. Sayre hired me to do a job and I'm going to do it. So first on the agenda here, we have "Promoting Intellectual Development: Raising Children With Bigger and Tastier Brains" ...wait, what? Who wrote these?
Forget it. We're doing this my way now, so listen up -- yes, I'm talking to you, in the back! You're too dead to have children? Yeah, sure, whatever you say, kid. That's still no excuse for distracting everyone else here! If you don't think you're going to take anyway anything useful from this, why don't you I give you something useful to do? Get me some coffee.
Where was I?
The first thing you've got to do as a father is accept your responsibility as one. Just living in the same house, or having the same blood ... that doesn't make you a real family. If you don't man up and act like a father, you're just going to be a failure. Your first duty is to be there. Not just for the big things, like birthdays, or their first steps, but for little things, too. Like comforting them after the first time they meet Marcy, or helping them through their first genderswi...forget it, that doesn't make any sense. I should have a word with the director about these notes. I mean, things like reading them bedtime stories, taking care of them when they're sick, not leaving them alone in the house on a regular basis when there's a serial killer running around unapprehended...believe me, I've got experience with this stuff.
You might not be much good at knowing what to say or do. Hell, I know I'm not. But if you run away from taking the responsibility on, you're never going to learn, and things will just get even more awkward. You don't want to be a stranger to your own family, even if -- is that my coffee? Good timing...ugh, this tastes horrible!
Class is suspended for the day, kids. The grey rotting punk and I are heading down to the director's office to discuss what the hell he put in my coffee.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Jonathan Crane/"Scarecrow"
Series: DC Comics Universe
Age: Mid-thirties.
Job: Substance Abuse Counselor
Canon: Gotham City -- everyone's favorite wretched hive of scum and villainy. With its corpse-laden waters, maximum-security prisons, and iconic Dark Knight, Gotham is everyone's first choice of residence when they make the somewhat misguided decision to become a symbol of domestic terror.
Doctor Jonathan Crane takes the term "terrorist" somewhat more literally than the average person. Once a respectable psychiatrist, his fascination with the concept of fear drove him out of his teaching position at Gotham University. Unwilling to forfeit his obsession and embittered by his past, Crane turned to career villainy. Bad idea? Possibly, considering he's hardly the most athletic of creatures and his nemesis is the goddamn Batman. But there are few lengths to which Crane won't go to pursue his research. He'll kill, steal, you name it -- all in the name of science. Thoroughly defined by his intellectual pursuits, Crane is known throughout Gotham's seedy underbelly simply as the Scarecrow.
Costume-clad or not, Crane is always an eloquent intellectual with a weakness for theatrics. He's the type who finds a certain charm in lengthy discourses about his master plan. His brain is his biggest asset, and he knows it. He's haughty and dignified -- and above all else, he's just megalomaniacal enough to never call it quits. Not like getting beaten up by a six-foot-something guy dressed like a bat ever stopped any self-respecting villain in motherfucking Gotham City.
Sample Post:
"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
... Nietzsche, ladies and gentlemen. I realize your literary inventory is composed of such savourless farces as If You Give A Toucan A Tibium and Goodnight Moon (Oh Sweet Jesus, It's Looking Right At Me), but you needn't look so obviously perplexed. Wide eyes are easy prey for parched, intrepid insects ... and, well. It wouldn't take a doctor to diagnose the dangers of letting mangled jowls hang low, wobble to and fro, and the like. Straighten up, would you? Bear yourself with dignity, for God's sake. Skulking ruins the posture -- if you must draw suspicion with your very stance, I would instead recommend lurking more.
Now, good listeners keep their traps shut and their ears open ... and clear of debris. You in the back -- don't think I can't see that abhorrent seepage. No wonder you beg and moan for gray matter; you're leaking it. Pay attention, please! I'm not overfond of repeating myself, and there are entirely too few intact ears to justify so many people. You're in a summer camp; surely by now sharing is one of the skills you've acquired over the months.
The name is Doctor Jonathan Crane, and I'm the new substance abuse counselor of this godforsaken locale. Yes, once again the world has seen fit to provide a new and exciting way to squander my talents. My specialty is fear, not addiction. I mean ... addiction? Take a good, long look at yourselves, my tepid audience -- your varying states of physical disrepair! The desires you may have known in life, reduced to a squashy, cerebral singularity after death! And ask yourself, with tongues so well-rotted they resemble frozen grocery meat: Is addiction really the worst of my problems? And in the sweltering Louisiana heat, with only the company of a few ephemeral friends to hold you in contempt for your vices, ask yourself: aren't drugs a little difficult to come by anyway?
The correct answers, in order, are "no" and "usually".
In a place where care and maintenance of the self is no longer an honest issue, sniffing cocaine becomes the equivalent of sniffing confectionery sugar. For boredom I instead would prescribe intellectual pursuits. Like Nietzsche, whom I quoted when all the words I found to describe this new horror proved inadequate ... Oh, no, you do me a disservice by assuming I regard this wretched place with fear and fear alone. Like I said, fear is my specialty. This camp, with its banal clichés and B-movie lunacy, simply bears some small resemblance to a world I might have imagined -- a world fraught with horror. Such a bastion of terror could only exist in the southeast. Sweet home Louisiana, eh? Where the skies rain down with rue ...
... I said -- rue, not ... goo. That's ... that's just vile.
Poll Vote!
Character: Albert Wesker
Series: Resident Evil
Character Age: 48
Counselor Job: Camp Life Surveillance and Enhancement
Canon: Resident Evil is a series about shady people and companies that cause viral outbreaks and zombie apocalypses. The heroes of the Resident Evil world get caught up right in the middle of these tough times, and are forced to fight their way out. They battle zombies, as well as things with claws and tentacles, even monsters bigger than battleships along the way. With every set of heroes, however, there come the enemies. Some who embed themselves so deeply into almost every situation, lurking in the shadows and manipulating almost everything happening through a story. That would be the role of Albert Wesker.
Starting off as a double-crosser of his own equivalent to a SWAT-team, Wesker gains superhuman strength and speed through a virus injection, leaving him a force you hope you'll never have to deal with first hand. A brilliant former researcher of many different types of viruses, Wesker is cold, calculating and power-hungry. He's threatened the well-being of a man's family to get him to follow his orders, and he even goes so far as to bring down a global company for his own gain. He's very composed and very sure of himself (as one who thinks he can pass judgment on humanity usually is), and he rarely loses his temper, even when a situation doesn't go as originally planned. After all, any good bad guy has to be competent enough to be doing his thing for most of his life. And willing to betray allies when their use is up, as well as punch them meddling good guys through the heart if they try to stop him.
Sample Post:
The viral mutations in this environment are certainly interesting. The formerly human subjects don't seem to show much change: reanimated corpses, still endlessly hungry for human flesh, yet still dead on their feet in terms of response. These "zombies" are known to mutate into a much deadlier form, with better agility and heightened strength. Some of these probably aren't too far from that point, where they'll really start to pose a threat on the available test subjects. Or the residents, as they believe themselves to be. In the meantime, they do still have to deal with the subjects' adapted tactic of using lost limbs, be it their own or the remains of others, to pelt and bludgeon potential victims (if their own arms are still intact for this feat).
The effects on the animals here are even more curious. A disgruntled toucan capable of telepathic communication introduced himself to me as Toucan Frank. Angry that he lost a job position to his brother Sam, something about a nose-following mascot contract... the point there is that the animals are showing great signs of intelligence. The infected apes with the distinctive coloring are even offering their own "spank these monkeys" service advertisements. Though these examples are... strange, at most, this level of intelligence is what I'm looking for when it comes to results. I plan on studying these mutations more closely over time, as this location is ripe with material.
The plant life is behaving as expected. Their roots and vines are growing to abnormally large proportions, and are capable of independent movement. This gives them more of an edge to capture food, adapting to their newly found hunger for live prey. When studying these plants in their natural habitat, however, they don't seem to actually be capturing much of anything. When questioning victims who have run into these subjects, the overall response on their attack pattern is merely a whipping of... below the belt, as one put it. Not the slightest attempt to capture and feed. The aforementioned apes seem to have taken a liking to them, so at the very least a sense of balance is starting to form between the creatures. I'll have to look into this and see if there's anything I can do to... fix these problems, and help the plants along to be more independent when it comes to sustenance. Though there's only so much I'm willing to do to help anything along, against the will of natural selection. If these subjects can't act or help themselves along, then they really should be disposed of to leave room for ones that do show better signs of improvement.
My final subject is the mutated creature in the lake, B.O.W. #69, or "Marcy," as she's known by others. Whatever's in that lake is doing a wonder on her size and that number of tentacles, I've already taken the time to secure a vial of it for future study. She's showing very good results in waiting for prey to come in close, and then make her move. Currently, she's capable of capturing small animals at most, but in the case of humans that would sustain her even better, but she lacks an adequate amount of speed and tactic. However, that's something that can be fixed with a little bit of practice. After all, that's why I'm here.
Do you hear that, girl? You'll have real targets soon enough. In the meantime, if you'll let me do the honor in preparing you for that, I'll give you a much appreciated workout. Though be warned, trying to pull a fast one on somebody trying to help you, especially me, will leave you with a few less tentacles to work with. So watch where you're putting those things. Everybody here will be thrilled to see what new tricks you can do after I'm through with you.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Cho Hakkai
Series: Saiyuki
Age: 23
Job: Grief Counselor
Canon: Saiyuki: a story where four ignoble heroes -- a buddhist priest, a monkey, a lecher, and a mass-murderer -- take a road trip to the West to stop an evil demonness from resurrecting her demon lord lover through the heretical combination of science and magic, an act which causes tragedy as it sends a "minus wave" throughout the land that drives youkai (demons) crazy. The manga follows their trip as they fight, booze, and slaughter would-be assassins along the way. One of these four -- the aforementioned mass-murderer -- is one "Cho Hakkai".
Hakkai is -- as they all are -- deeply scarred by the tragedies of his past. Originally, he was a gentle young schoolteacher. However, when his sister-lover was kidnapped, Hakkai went on a killing spree that caused him to bathe in the blood of 1000 youkai and turned him into a youkai himself. He tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it didn't even matter: he couldn't save her. Now, four years later, his temperament can only be described as sunny, full of good cheer, and deeply, deeply twisted. Hakkai smiles constantly, talks quite merrily, cracks jokes (...mostly really bad puns), and heartmarks with the best of them... but his words are filled with vague allusions to his dark past and his jokes are excessively morbid. He speaks in a lighthearted but formal (and frequently carefully gentle) manner, with a lot of interjections: well, my my, etc. Hakkai is polite to a fault and has a fussy, motherly personality. Sure, this may make him the "nagging wife" of the group -- but since they know him very well indeed, his friends consider him, without a doubt, "the scary one". If he politely requests his companions keep their cigarettes in the ashtray, they had damn well better keep the cigarettes in the goddamn ashtray or it's coming out of their hides ♥.
Sample App:
Oh my! What a situation we have here. When I heard I was heading to a summer camp, I had of course expected it to be a noisy place -- nobody squabbles quite like children, after all -- but I hadn't expected it to be loud enough to have awakened the dead! Haha... well, no helping it. I am Cho Hakkai, and it seems that I am to be your Grief Counselor. I have been told that I am here to help you to come to terms with the loss prevalent in your lives.
Indeed, to judge by how you look right now, it must be a role that has gone too long neglected. Honestly, you really should try not to rot everywhere; it's making a terrible mess. Whom, precisely, do you expect to clean this up? Please do pick up after yourselves. At any rate, shall we try to take this step by step, since you seem unwilling to move on -- or should I say 'pass on'? Let's begin~.
It is said that the first stage of dealing with loss is "denial". I must say, you clearly are well-accomplished at that one. You seem to be denying your own mortality, even to the point of ignoring your own decomposition! My goodness, the only thing that's undeniable is that the situation stinks -- well, perhaps a little more than the 'situation', if you take my meaning. Ahh... well, with stage one counted as a success, perhaps we should move to stage two: "Anger". In your situation, I've little doubt that you've experienced some of that. Of course, I can sympathize. Sometimes, when something truly terrible has occurred, there is nothing left to you but anger. Ah, in that situation, all you desire in your life is to pile up bodies around you until you could build a tower to the sky from corpses to breach the heavens so that you might climb it and take back what was so cruelly torn from you...
Ah, but here we seem to have found a problem in your case. You see, anger's all well and good -- though, you realize, it will never actually get you what you truly wish for. But your anger is... hmm, how can I put this? Inefficient. You seem to have combined the next two stages of grief into your rage -- "bargaining" and "depression" -- but done so in the manner least helpful to yourselves. Pleading "brains, brains" while shambling about aimlessly? My goodness, how positively heartbreaking to watch! Who could see that and not wish to relieve some of your suffering? It's with that in mind I turn my eye towards the last stage: "acceptance" of loss and of the necessity of mortality.
It seems not to be something any of you have mastered yet. Here you are, still up and walking around, after all you've been through, rather than lying down and simply accepting your due. Oh, of course, I understand entirely. After all, look at me~. Despite everything, here I am, not accepting things in the slightest. But, haha, you know what they say: "Those who can't do, teach." Let me bring your situation directly to you in an undeniable fashion.
In short, please die~. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Nogami Airi
Series: Kamen Rider Den-O
Age: 22
Job: Coffee Specialist
Canon: Kamen Rider Den-O is a series about a boy named Ryoutarou Nogami and time-traveling monsters who will grant a single wish at the mere price of one's past. They are trying to take over time or, more precisely, destroy it for great injustice! And Ryoutarou is the one who can save the day- except we're not talking about him right now, we're talking about his older sister.
Nogami Airi is the owner of a quaint little coffee shop named Milk Dipper. She's quite fluent in the language of coffee; she makes an effort to make coffee that everyone can enjoy. She's also considered a beauty and usually has a horde of men leaving gifts for her in the coffee shop -- gifts that she tends to ignore because she's completely oblivious to most of reality. Due to this, Airi usually tends to smile and go with the flow. She is kind and almost unbearably sweet, wanting everyone to find their own star of happiness to guide them.
Sample Entry: Eh? Is this the place? I'm sure this is the place. Are you a tour guide? You are? Then it's good to meet you; my name is Nogami Airi and I'll be your new Coffee Specialist. I'll try my best to teach your campers the intricacies of coffee in all its forms, including several special blends that I've created through diligent practice and trial and error. It's a very serious subject and I'd like very much to help those that would like to learn. However, before we continue, I'd like to inquire about a certain young man. You see, I came here after seeing a brochure I found behind one of the tables in my coffee shop. After reading it over I couldn't help but think that this is where my little brother went.
Oh! Where are my manners? Babbling on like that when I haven't even gotten your name. Mr. Blains? That's a very lovely name, Mr. Blains. But, you see, it's just very hard to concentrate on work knowing my Ryou-chan is missing. He's been gone for quite some time now. At first I thought he might have gotten lost in the forest again. There was also that time the circus mistook him for one of their runaways and it took thirteen days to convince them that he wasn't Mikelo the Midget. It isn't his fault; he's really a good boy, but his luck is very bad. It's why I thought he might have come to this camp.
See, it even says here, "Camp Fuck You Die: The place where all your dreams come true." So would you kindly show me to the office of the director. I'm sure she knows where he is . . . You'll escort me? Why that's very nice of you, Mr. Blains. My, and you're so strong even though your arm seems to be falling apart. Oh, that's quite kind of you, but there's no need to give it to me; the bow itself is a very nice touch though. It brings out the green in your skin quite well.
However, instead of giving it to me I think I have some cream for that . . . or perhaps it's vitamin deficiency? Have you been eating your vegetables? No? That's not good. You need to follow the food pyramid, Mr. Blains. Please hold on a moment; I've brought along some necessities from home that might just help. Ah! Here it is! It's my special Chinese herbal health drink. There's goat's milk, lapsang souchong, mushrooms, oranges, bananas, seaweed, rum, oats, apples, celery- Eh? Why are you running away? Was it something I said? Mr. Blains? It was very nice to meet you; please come visit the new Milk Dipper if you can~
Poll Vote!
Character: The Tenth Doctor
Series: Doctor Who
Character Age: 900ish.
Counselor Job: Last Minute Escape Coordinator
Canon: Doctor Who, otherwise known lately as Britain's best export, is a show that has run for decades, telling the tale of an alien adventurer, his spaceship the TARDIS (the sports car of time travel, don't you know) and his large variety of human (and vaguely human, and occasionally robotic dog) companions. Doctor Who travels the universe - although, oddly enough, most of the time they seem to be hanging around London. Ah, budgeting. Through its lifespan, the show has thrown its hero up against terrifying monsters, natural disasters, and often the dregs of humanity. The Doctor himself lives for adventure, of course, but it could also be said that he's just looking for a place to rest.
The Doctor has been wandering the universe for centuries; a Time Lord -- or rather the last of the Time Lords -- he bears the rather whopping secret of what happened to his race like a ball and chain. The Doctor has had several incarnations over the years, his current one being a rather cheeky individual with a bright grin and a fast mouth who has a penchant for being just a touch on the side of mean, along with usually being right. Fond of little shops in hospitals, spouting random languages and the sound of his own voice, the Doctor has adopted humanity as his surrogate race over the years, going to great lengths to defend them, even at great loss to himself. A hero, a wanderer, a Renaissance man, the Doctor is a myth and a legend and an enigma, all wrapped up in a dorky package with relatively fashionable shoes.
Note: Autons are plastic dummies that bite. "Allons-y" is French for "let's go!".
Sample Post:
Oi! No, wait. I'm sorry, that's a terrible way to start a conversation, isn't it? Let's try again. Hello! I'm the Doctor. Now, since we're here, let me tell you a little something about travel. Sometimes, you know exactly where you're going and when you get there, it's not what you're expecting. That's always a bit rubbish. A good example of that is tourist spots; oh, it looks great on the brochure, then you get there and it's covered in Autons and it turns into a working holiday. But often, you go somewhere just because it might surprise you; sometimes, you get pointers from something completely bizarre. Such as getting coordinates appearing on a piece of psychic paper you happen to own, plus a full contract of employment! Now that's ridiculous. This piece of psychic paper is about the size of my wallet. Good job I had a microscope handy! Talk about small print.
So, once you've found a direction, you have to figure out if it's right for you. This Camp Fuck You Die. You - what's your name, by the way? Gary? - are one of the nicer individuals of the purple gorilla gorilla species I've met lately, so I'll give you this little piece of knowledge for free. This place shouldn't exist. I can tell just by looking around that it is an anomaly in time and space caused by a geohistorical rift in the eighteenth matrix-- all right, I can tell by your face that you're not going to grasp this, and I'm only saying it because I'm not keen on saying 'magic portal'. It sounds a bit naff, doesn't it? Portal? All the same. It shouldn't exist, but that's the best thing about the universe - sometimes things exist that really shouldn't. And those things can be beautiful.
And, sometimes they can smell like something died! And don't get me started on the welcome party. First thing I see when I get here is a group of girls waiting around with welcome banners. Sadly, I couldn't help but notice - and I'm the last to judge on appearances, mind you - those girls were sort of dead. Now, there are a lot of things in the universe I approve of, and a lot of things I don't. Way down there on the dislike list, along with Kindergarten Cop - good old President Schwarzenegger, bad politician but worse actor - wait, hang on, was that a spoiler? - is reanimating the dead. For one thing, it's a basic contravention of human rights. Secondly, it's kind of sticky. Yet-- ... hmm. In a big old jump of topic, let's talk about this lake. Because we've been standing here the whole time I've been talking, and there's a couple of things I've noticed. Firstly, I don't know if you've noticed this, but that lake has tentacles in it, one of which is sliding about your ankle right now.
Don't panic. Just for a moment, stay very still. Let me reintroduce myself. I'm the Doctor. And the good news for you, Gary the Gorilla, is that I am Camp Fuck You Die's brand new Last Minute Escape Coordinator, so guess what! You're in luck. The bad news - and for an individual in heels like those, this is quite bad - is that this escape? It's going to involve running. Plenty of running. Allons-y!
Poll Vote!
Name:Mickey Mouse.
Series: Kingdom Hearts-canon.
Age: 80 years says Wikipedia, but let’s just go with “adult”.
Job: Mascot coach.
Canon:
If you were to tell Walt Disney back in 1920 that one day his little cartoon mouse would become one of the biggest and most widely recognized mascots ever, he would have chuckled and maybe, just maybe, winked knowingly at you. If you then told him ”and then he’s going to fight monsters fashioned from pure malice with a giant key and pal around with ambiguously polyamorous teenagers!” he might have still done the same, just with added cries for security to come take you away. Yet lo and behold: Mickey Mouse, wellknown and beloved icon of Disney starred in the surprising crossover megahit series ”Kingdom Hearts”, as a wise and kind leather-coat-clad badass with a heart of gold, who split his screentime between fighting the forces of primordial darkness that seek to devour the very essence of all life and giving lonely emo-kids helping doses of selfimagetherapy.
Mickey Mouse as he is in Kingdom Hearts series is the king of an entire world, and has been fighting the good fight against the series various shambling horrors for many years. Plucky and upbeat, Mickey always has a kind word for his friends and allies and often sympathy and understanding for his enemies. Mickey always tries to see the best in people and work toward the happiest possible ending, no matter how much the odds are stacked against that ending. Caring, upbeat and lighthearted to all he sees as his friends, he’s the calm straight man to the histrionic Donald and the airheaded Goofy. But don’t you underestimate him: when push comes to shove you do NOT want to stand in his way. When the Mouse has made up his mind he will stop at nothing, and his experience in combat and dedication to his friends means that no wannabe silverhaired world destroyer will stand in his mousy way.
Note: Mickey is being taken from after Chain of Memories, as he and Riku begins their journey together.
Sample Entry:
Everyone, I’ve got some news to share. From now on, I am going to be in charge of the new subdivision of camp, ”Camp FUzzy Darlings”, the group dedicated to putting smiles on people’s faces instead of chills up their spines! You see, your Director approached me with quite a mean sales pitch… ‘mean’ meant literally. If I didn’t help her make you people full fledged ‘attractive ‘mascots, she threatened that she was gonna abuse you guys even more than she usually does. I told her I wouldn’t accept being threatened like that and would help you all escape, and she replied with an impenetrable barrier. If that hadn’t sealed the deal, seeing what you guys go through in here sure did. No roof over your heads, hazards around every corner, and the only lake gives “dirty” a whole new meaning. So if I’m gonna help, I might as well start with the assignment she gave me: to help you become the new faces of camp! Because if you got the guts to sell stuff, you’ve got the guts to stand up against a bossy employer… lack of faces and guts on some of you notwithstanding.
So, who wants to show what they got? How about you mister- oh, miss Landshark. I guess your charm and all three rows of those pearly whites must’ve done a number on my vision. So what’ve you got for us… you wrote a new anthem for camp? Great, let me take a look!
”I’m a shaaaark, lick my…” Okay, anyone else? Anyone?
Alright, mr… Braaisner, I see here you used to be a cookie-salesman back in the boyscouts, huh? Well, since you look like you could crumble any second I guess I can believe that-oh! Gosh I am so sorry mr Braaisner, it was just a joke to lighten up the mood a little, I didn’t think you’d take me literally! Come on, pull yourself together buddy. I know it’s not easy taking the stage, but when I’m in a pinch there’re a couple of words I like to recall, to help me get my spirit back. They go a little like this…
You can do it, it’s all up to you mmmkay~ With a little plan you can change your life today~
You don’t have to spend your life addicted to smack~ Homeless on the streets getting handj-
-Okay, that was NOT what I was gonna sing. Who’s the funny guy who sent me the wrong… of course, telepathic toucans. Of all the telepathic song-prompter birds, it had to be toucans. Their tastes are as loopy as their cereal and not even half as sweet. This is why I prefer woodland birds…
You know, never mind all this singin’ business. I don’t need to sing to tell you that you do have the power to be a mascot. Sure, people might tell ya you’re not ”cute”, but who’re they to make that call? Everyone’s got their own idea of what’s cute or ”presentable”, and maybe your face is just the kinda face some people out there want’s to see! Besides… being a face is about more than just your face. I think it’s about standing up and showing the world who you are and what you believe in, even if it’s scary. Because the light that doesn’t falter in the face of great darkness, is the light that people are gonna take notice of. And once they’ve seen that, no fellah with or without brains for that matter are gonna judge you by the way you look.
… Aww shucks everyone, you don’t need to do a whole song and dance number just because of that little speech. It is a catchy song though! You’re so fine you blow my mind- GOOD GRAVY! What’s wrong with this place, is everything taken literally!? Well that does it! I’m not gonna stand for this! I’m going to help you get away from this director if it’s the last thing I do, because I-”-‘m your own, personaaal, Jesus! Someone to answer your prayers, someone who caaares-”
-… You’ve won today’s battle, toucans. But you have not won the war.
Poll Vote!
Character: Excalibur
Series: Soul Eater
Character Age: His legend began in the 12th century.
Job: Teller of Tales and Lauder of Legends (about himself)
Canon: The Shinigami Technical School, better known as Shibusen, trains young weapons users (called meisters) and their weapon friends (called...weapons) to fight together in teams and eradicate the forces of evil and evil insanity. Meisters and their weapons must have compatible soul wavelengths in order to function at their very best. But enough about that-this application isn't about any of those boring other characters, it's about Excalibur! The Holy Sword himself! Wielded by glorious heroes of yore! A weapon so fantastic that the issue of matching soul wavelengths with meisters is but a mere trifle to him, allowing any meister who comes along to use him and the incredible powers of godmode he possesses! So does the amazing Excalibur have an equally amazing meister to kick some evil ass? Well...no. Because while Excalibur's soul is compatible with any old meister, his personality's a completely different story. A story-or legend, if you will, that began in the 12th century, as he'll tell you over and over and over again...
Excalibur, glorious Holy Sword of Legends and Heroes, is annoying. Anyone who wants to use him as a weapon must agree to a thousand-clause contract which must be very strictly adhered to. These conditions include items from the ridiculous (number 22: refreshing mornings call for refreshing greetings!) to the incredibly brain-numbing (number 452: mandatory daily five-hour storytime). Add a tendency to frequently interrupt and completely ignore others (usually with sudden and crazy tangents, but sometimes through song and dance!) to his long winded, redundant, and often contradictory nature, and you'll get a clear picture as to why everyone has put this sword back in the stone for years and years.
Sample Post:
Ahem. What does this place call itself? No matter-you fellow over there, do you wish to hear of my epic legend? Very well! Do not stop me if you've heard this one, as any tale such as this deserves to be heard repeatedly. With a fresh perspective as well, so clear your head in order to prepare yourself for a legend the likes of which you have never experienced before! Excellently done. I expect nothing less than self-induced decapitation from a potential meister of mine!
And so, my legend began in the 12th century-fool! Cease your decaying, your shambling, your unending hunger for brains at once! Remember clause number 573: the sound of my voice must never be diminished by demands for earthly desires. This, of course, being directly extrapolated from clause number 58: when I am humming a tune to myself, you must refrain from speaking. It will serve you well to commit every one of my thousand rules to memory, down to the individual morphoneme! Speaking of which, I will now invoke clause number 452 and use my designated five-hour storytime of the day to regale you with a short recounting of my exploits around the world. Today and the rest of the month will follow my saga in central Eastern North America, so sit yourself down-carefully, mind! It won't do to fall apart during the middle of designated five-hour storytime, much less at the beginning! Fool.
Now, this is a tale-a marvelous tale! Of how my life was overturned, moved 180 degrees, flipped, mayhap even turned upside down, if I may say so. And I may. I was literally turned upside down countless times during my short-lived but extremely successful stint in the Wrongling Brothers' Amazing Circus of Amazing Acrobatics, after all. Let me tell you the extraordinary happenings of how I became a member of royalty in a town called-well, it matters not what it was called now. It was a different time back then, one of untamed wildness and roughly hewn characters, of well-meaning women and hi-top fade hairstyles. The important thing to take away from this is that this town was located within a presidential republic, a land that had long since discarded that so-called yoke of monarchy in a fit of youthful rebellion. It was quite the era back then as well, as all eras tend to become extraordinary in the tale of Excalibur, to the point where the extraordinary becomes but ordinary! Ha! Haha!
But I have digressed enough. In the dangerous streets of a certain metropolis in Pennsylvania, an eastern state of the United States of America-though the streets of the city in question were of a western orientation! Do not forget this! In those dangerous streets, I was neither born nor raised. That would be in the wild and woolly lands of Albion, by those striking white cliffs of Dover! Or perhaps it was those faerie-filled fields in the fiefdoms of fallen days now long gone? No, it was surely the dark moors where Heathcliff would later yearn for his mad love, yes! Those very moors! Yes, yes, Emily Brontë once gazed upon my broodingly mysterious visage, carved out of primal magnetism itself, and was struck with the inspiration for her life's work right then and there! And thus my legend began in the 12th century, by those cliffs or fields or moors or yes, maybe it was in the center of a tremendous lake after all...
FOOLS! You dare question the Holy Sword Excalibur as to the specifics of his own beginnings?! Your complaints are but as feeble kittens in a raging typhoon of righteousness and infallibility! They may bat their soft, tiny paws weakly against me in an utterly endearing manner, but in the end it is I alone who has the right to hurl them into the mud of history long-forgotten and ignored, or into the shining pathway to Glory and Victory!
Ahem.
Returning to the subject at hand, did you know? My legend began in the 12th century! Do you wish to hear of my epic tale?!
Poll Vote!