Because Harry Will Marry Kittie the Bartender
The Modern Day AU of Doom is back...
Title: Nothing Says I Love You Like a Crowded Bar and a Dark Alleyway - Part Five
Author: m_buggie
Fandom: “Band of Brothers”
Pairings: mentions of past Nixon/Cathy, a smattering of Harry/Kittie, attempted Buck/anyone with a pulse, eventual Nixon/Winters
Word Count: 1,363 for Part Five
Rating: R
Standard Disclaimer: This is based off performances in the HBO miniseries, not the actual soldiers. The only thing I own is the computer I wrote this on. I make no profit and mean no disrespect so please don’t sue.
Author’s Note: Modern day AU like you would not believe and unabashedly inspired by the Finger Eleven song, “Paralyzer.” Written in honor of ladyames and with a special nod to foofighter0234.
~x~x~
Meanwhile, Skip Muck was admiring one of the lovely ladies dishing out drinks behind the bar counter. “Holy shit, check out that blonde!” he exclaimed, thinking Don Malarkey was still listening to him and not currently harassing Dick Winters about the possibility of new boyfriends.
“Hey!” a voice cut in from off to the side. “Watch yourself there, fella, that’s my future wife you’re talking about.”
“Oh…uh…” Muck blinked, startled by the curly-haired man with the gap between his two front teeth. “Sorry about that.”
A taller man nearby - blond and blue-eyed and looking like some kind of strange jock/lawyer hybrid - groaned and rolled his eyes. “Oh, for the love of God…” He shook his head and turned to Muck. “Don’t pay any attention to him. My poor deluded friend here seems to think that he…” There was a thumb-jerk to the “deluded friend.” “…actually stands a chance with her.” He then pointed to the pretty golden-haired bartender in question. “So just ignore him.”
But the man who had initially spoken just smirked and retorted, “Shut up, Buck. You’re just jealous because Kittie likes me and hasn’t even noticed you.”
Buck, as he was now identified, snorted with deprecatory laughter and turned his back on them. “Sure, whatever you say, pal.”
Muck, however, simply smiled, shrugged, and put his hands up in an “I come in peace” gesture. “Hey, it’s cool,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to come between true love in the making.”
The grin was returned. “Thank you.” A hand was extended. “My name’s Harry, what’s yours?”
“I’m Skip,” Muck replied, shaking his hand.
“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you, Skip,” Harry said. “It’s nice to know there’s at least one person here who isn’t going to bust my balls about Kittie.” He gestured to the two other men he was with. “You’ve already encountered the cynical bastard known as Buck, and the brooding son of a bitch in the corner there is Nixon.”
Muck nodded, glancing at Buck, who was unsuccessfully trying to chat up Winters’ sister Abigail, and then over to the black-haired man slouching on a bar stool eyes focused with intensity on some point in space near Winters’ head.
“Say, ‘hello,’ Nix,” Harry prompted, swatting his friend on the shoulder. “What’s the matter there? You’re not falling asleep on us, are you?”
Lewis Nixon jumped a little, blinking, startled out of whatever reverie he’d been in. “Huh? What?” he blurted out.
“Yeah, that’s our Nixon,” Buck remarked, turning back around. “He’s a real master of conversation, isn’t he?”
“Fuck you,” Nixon spat.
“Nice to see all those years at Yale weren’t a waste of time or anything,” Buck laughed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were a part of this discussion anymore,” Harry said to Buck. “Weren’t you busy talking to her?” He pointed to Abigail.
“Yeah, no dice,” Buck mumbled.
Skip Muck snickered and shook his head. “Somehow that doesn’t come as a surprise.”
“And just what exactly is that supposed to mean?” Buck asked, mildly offended.
“Well, you are trying to chat up Dick’s sister right in from of him,” Muck replied. “I never even knew she existed before tonight and even I know that’s a no-go.”
“Ah, so you’re a part of all this,” Harry commented, making a broad circular gesture to include Winters, Roe, and Malarkey.
“Yeah, I’m with the Peace Corps party,” Muck responded.
“Excuse me, is this guy bothering you?” Malarkey said, walking up behind Muck and swinging an arm around his friend’s shoulders. “Because he can’t help it, you know, he was dropped on his head numerous times as a child.”
“Hey, shut up, Mal,” Muck countered. “I was just having a chat with my new friend Harry here about the nature of true love.”
Malarkey raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?”
“Yeah, Harry’s going to marry the blonde bartender.”
“Oh, well, good for him. She’s hot.”
“Harry’s not really going to marry her,” Buck intercepted.
“Can it, Buck,” Harry muttered. “You don’t know that so don’t rain on my parade.”
“I know the odds of that happening are about one in a million.”
“Yeah, but true love is true love,” Muck chimed in.
“Thank you, Skip,” Harry said. “Fuck you, Buck, this guy’s my new best friend.”
“Why, because he’s just as delusional as you?” Buck quipped. To Muck he quickly added, “No offense.”
Muck opened his mouth to reply but it was Malarkey who spoke.
“He’s not so much delusional as he is prone to absurdity,” Malarkey said, “so don’t encourage him because he only gets worse.” To Muck he said, “And since when are you so hung up all this true love bullshit?”
“It’s not bullshit, Mal,” Muck retorted. “It’s about an instantaneous connection between two people.”
Harry clapped his hands and laughed. “Amen to that.”
Malarkey, meanwhile, rolled his eyes. “Oh good God…” He shook his head. “Are you sure there was just tobacco in that cigarette you smoked earlier? Because you are spouting some serious nonsense right now.”
“Can I just say that the irony of this situation is cracking me up?” Buck commented. “I mean, here we are: on one hand celebrating Nixon’s divorce from the woman he’d been involved with for almost five years, while on the other hand Harry’s going on about getting hitched to some random, albeit very attractive, chick he just met in a bar.”
“Kittie’s the bartender,” Harry pointed out.
“Regardless,” Buck continued, “seriously, am I the only one who finds this ridiculous?”
Malarkey raised and said, “I do, and I just got here.”
Muck shook his head. “Don’t do it, Mal, don’t defect to the Dark side.”
“Skip, we’re talking about relationships,” Malarkey sighed, “not an epic and ongoing battle between good and evil.”
“Well, you know…depending on who you’re talking to, those two might actually be a lot more closely linked than you’d first imagine,” Buck quipped. “In some case they may even be the same thing.”
Malarkey laughed.
Harry, however, raised his eyebrows. “Am I detecting a pattern of bitterness to the night’s tone, Mr. Compton? Can it be possible that you’re just still licking your wounds over what happened with Amelia?”
“You leave her out of this,” Buck said with a warning tone.
Muck and Malarkey exchanged glances, sensing a shift in the conversation. They were about to beat a respectful exit from the scene when Harry turned to them.
“You see, Amelia was Buck’s girlfriend all through law school,” Harry explained, having imbibed too much alcohol to be bothered with things like keeping awkward information to himself. “Classy gal, a real looker with brains to match - that was Amelia. We all figured it was only a matter of time before they tied the knot, you know? Until one day, like a week before Christmas, she up and leaves him.”
Buck shook his head and muttered various things under his breath, all of which resembled ingenious curses and profanities directed at Harry.
Harry shrugged. “What?”
“Do you really need to go into detail?”
“First of all, I wasn’t going into detail - because I could’ve said way more and I didn’t - and second of all, I was just providing back story.”
“No, you were just being an asshole.”
“Oh, you mean like you were doing earlier?”
“Hey, if you think that’s bad then you should hear about what happened to our buddy Eugene,” Muck spoke up. “He was going out with this girl we worked with in the Peace Corps until a building fell on her and killed her.”
Harry and Buck both turned to look at Muck.
Malarkey covered his eyes with one hand and mumbled, “Ah Christ…”
“Wow,” Harry said, frowning, “that does suck.”
There was movement off to the side and Harry glanced over, smirking and then calling out, “Hey, Nix, where do you think you’re going?” to the figure in a dark suit trying to slip away unnoticed.
“I…uh…need a smoke,” Lewis Nixon replied.
“Yeah, I could use one, too,” Buck said, stepping away from the bar counter. “I’ll join you.”
Harry, in the meantime, turned to Malarkey and Muck and asked, “So, what’re you guys in the mood to drink?”
Part One just got divorced.
Part Two has an annoying younger sister.
Part Three denies having ever done the Time Warp.
Part Four doesn't need enemies with friends like these.
(cross-posted to no_vices)
Title: Nothing Says I Love You Like a Crowded Bar and a Dark Alleyway - Part Five
Author: m_buggie
Fandom: “Band of Brothers”
Pairings: mentions of past Nixon/Cathy, a smattering of Harry/Kittie, attempted Buck/anyone with a pulse, eventual Nixon/Winters
Word Count: 1,363 for Part Five
Rating: R
Standard Disclaimer: This is based off performances in the HBO miniseries, not the actual soldiers. The only thing I own is the computer I wrote this on. I make no profit and mean no disrespect so please don’t sue.
Author’s Note: Modern day AU like you would not believe and unabashedly inspired by the Finger Eleven song, “Paralyzer.” Written in honor of ladyames and with a special nod to foofighter0234.
~x~x~
Meanwhile, Skip Muck was admiring one of the lovely ladies dishing out drinks behind the bar counter. “Holy shit, check out that blonde!” he exclaimed, thinking Don Malarkey was still listening to him and not currently harassing Dick Winters about the possibility of new boyfriends.
“Hey!” a voice cut in from off to the side. “Watch yourself there, fella, that’s my future wife you’re talking about.”
“Oh…uh…” Muck blinked, startled by the curly-haired man with the gap between his two front teeth. “Sorry about that.”
A taller man nearby - blond and blue-eyed and looking like some kind of strange jock/lawyer hybrid - groaned and rolled his eyes. “Oh, for the love of God…” He shook his head and turned to Muck. “Don’t pay any attention to him. My poor deluded friend here seems to think that he…” There was a thumb-jerk to the “deluded friend.” “…actually stands a chance with her.” He then pointed to the pretty golden-haired bartender in question. “So just ignore him.”
But the man who had initially spoken just smirked and retorted, “Shut up, Buck. You’re just jealous because Kittie likes me and hasn’t even noticed you.”
Buck, as he was now identified, snorted with deprecatory laughter and turned his back on them. “Sure, whatever you say, pal.”
Muck, however, simply smiled, shrugged, and put his hands up in an “I come in peace” gesture. “Hey, it’s cool,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to come between true love in the making.”
The grin was returned. “Thank you.” A hand was extended. “My name’s Harry, what’s yours?”
“I’m Skip,” Muck replied, shaking his hand.
“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you, Skip,” Harry said. “It’s nice to know there’s at least one person here who isn’t going to bust my balls about Kittie.” He gestured to the two other men he was with. “You’ve already encountered the cynical bastard known as Buck, and the brooding son of a bitch in the corner there is Nixon.”
Muck nodded, glancing at Buck, who was unsuccessfully trying to chat up Winters’ sister Abigail, and then over to the black-haired man slouching on a bar stool eyes focused with intensity on some point in space near Winters’ head.
“Say, ‘hello,’ Nix,” Harry prompted, swatting his friend on the shoulder. “What’s the matter there? You’re not falling asleep on us, are you?”
Lewis Nixon jumped a little, blinking, startled out of whatever reverie he’d been in. “Huh? What?” he blurted out.
“Yeah, that’s our Nixon,” Buck remarked, turning back around. “He’s a real master of conversation, isn’t he?”
“Fuck you,” Nixon spat.
“Nice to see all those years at Yale weren’t a waste of time or anything,” Buck laughed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were a part of this discussion anymore,” Harry said to Buck. “Weren’t you busy talking to her?” He pointed to Abigail.
“Yeah, no dice,” Buck mumbled.
Skip Muck snickered and shook his head. “Somehow that doesn’t come as a surprise.”
“And just what exactly is that supposed to mean?” Buck asked, mildly offended.
“Well, you are trying to chat up Dick’s sister right in from of him,” Muck replied. “I never even knew she existed before tonight and even I know that’s a no-go.”
“Ah, so you’re a part of all this,” Harry commented, making a broad circular gesture to include Winters, Roe, and Malarkey.
“Yeah, I’m with the Peace Corps party,” Muck responded.
“Excuse me, is this guy bothering you?” Malarkey said, walking up behind Muck and swinging an arm around his friend’s shoulders. “Because he can’t help it, you know, he was dropped on his head numerous times as a child.”
“Hey, shut up, Mal,” Muck countered. “I was just having a chat with my new friend Harry here about the nature of true love.”
Malarkey raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?”
“Yeah, Harry’s going to marry the blonde bartender.”
“Oh, well, good for him. She’s hot.”
“Harry’s not really going to marry her,” Buck intercepted.
“Can it, Buck,” Harry muttered. “You don’t know that so don’t rain on my parade.”
“I know the odds of that happening are about one in a million.”
“Yeah, but true love is true love,” Muck chimed in.
“Thank you, Skip,” Harry said. “Fuck you, Buck, this guy’s my new best friend.”
“Why, because he’s just as delusional as you?” Buck quipped. To Muck he quickly added, “No offense.”
Muck opened his mouth to reply but it was Malarkey who spoke.
“He’s not so much delusional as he is prone to absurdity,” Malarkey said, “so don’t encourage him because he only gets worse.” To Muck he said, “And since when are you so hung up all this true love bullshit?”
“It’s not bullshit, Mal,” Muck retorted. “It’s about an instantaneous connection between two people.”
Harry clapped his hands and laughed. “Amen to that.”
Malarkey, meanwhile, rolled his eyes. “Oh good God…” He shook his head. “Are you sure there was just tobacco in that cigarette you smoked earlier? Because you are spouting some serious nonsense right now.”
“Can I just say that the irony of this situation is cracking me up?” Buck commented. “I mean, here we are: on one hand celebrating Nixon’s divorce from the woman he’d been involved with for almost five years, while on the other hand Harry’s going on about getting hitched to some random, albeit very attractive, chick he just met in a bar.”
“Kittie’s the bartender,” Harry pointed out.
“Regardless,” Buck continued, “seriously, am I the only one who finds this ridiculous?”
Malarkey raised and said, “I do, and I just got here.”
Muck shook his head. “Don’t do it, Mal, don’t defect to the Dark side.”
“Skip, we’re talking about relationships,” Malarkey sighed, “not an epic and ongoing battle between good and evil.”
“Well, you know…depending on who you’re talking to, those two might actually be a lot more closely linked than you’d first imagine,” Buck quipped. “In some case they may even be the same thing.”
Malarkey laughed.
Harry, however, raised his eyebrows. “Am I detecting a pattern of bitterness to the night’s tone, Mr. Compton? Can it be possible that you’re just still licking your wounds over what happened with Amelia?”
“You leave her out of this,” Buck said with a warning tone.
Muck and Malarkey exchanged glances, sensing a shift in the conversation. They were about to beat a respectful exit from the scene when Harry turned to them.
“You see, Amelia was Buck’s girlfriend all through law school,” Harry explained, having imbibed too much alcohol to be bothered with things like keeping awkward information to himself. “Classy gal, a real looker with brains to match - that was Amelia. We all figured it was only a matter of time before they tied the knot, you know? Until one day, like a week before Christmas, she up and leaves him.”
Buck shook his head and muttered various things under his breath, all of which resembled ingenious curses and profanities directed at Harry.
Harry shrugged. “What?”
“Do you really need to go into detail?”
“First of all, I wasn’t going into detail - because I could’ve said way more and I didn’t - and second of all, I was just providing back story.”
“No, you were just being an asshole.”
“Oh, you mean like you were doing earlier?”
“Hey, if you think that’s bad then you should hear about what happened to our buddy Eugene,” Muck spoke up. “He was going out with this girl we worked with in the Peace Corps until a building fell on her and killed her.”
Harry and Buck both turned to look at Muck.
Malarkey covered his eyes with one hand and mumbled, “Ah Christ…”
“Wow,” Harry said, frowning, “that does suck.”
There was movement off to the side and Harry glanced over, smirking and then calling out, “Hey, Nix, where do you think you’re going?” to the figure in a dark suit trying to slip away unnoticed.
“I…uh…need a smoke,” Lewis Nixon replied.
“Yeah, I could use one, too,” Buck said, stepping away from the bar counter. “I’ll join you.”
Harry, in the meantime, turned to Malarkey and Muck and asked, “So, what’re you guys in the mood to drink?”
Part One just got divorced.
Part Two has an annoying younger sister.
Part Three denies having ever done the Time Warp.
Part Four doesn't need enemies with friends like these.
(cross-posted to no_vices)