Where No Musical Is Safe

Dec 18, 2007 01:32

That's right, folks, it's that time again. Time to bastardize beloved musicals for our own entertainment and giggle at thoughts of the Easy men singing in fully choreographed song and dance numbers.
Band of Brothers: The Musical! is brought to you in part by teh_annah's plot bunny and alouette_sparra's assistance.

The song this time around? "I Want To Be A Producer" from The Producers. Please make note that I had to tailor the song's ending a bit to suit my needs. Those of you familiar with the original material will understand what I mean when you get to that point, those of you who aren't...well...it's all the same to you so no big deal. And now, without further ado, I present to you MALARKEY singing in LEO BLOOM's stead. You got the track? Play it in the back. Things are more fun that way.

Band of Brothers: The Musical!

Act One, Scene Seven

Setting: near Battalion HQ somewhere around Normandy

(song begins to the tune of “I Want To Be A Producer” from The Producers)

MALARKEY
Hey look at that there, Popeye
There’s guys by the road.

GERMAN SOLDIERS
We’re prisoners.

POPEYE
It’s no big deal, just walk by
Because we’ve got to go.

EASY COMPANY
They’re prisoners.

MALARKEY
Top o’ the morning to you
Do you think this is fun?
Enjoying the war, are you?
Where are you from, son?

YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER (spoken)
Eugene, Oregon.

MALARKEY (spoken)
No kidding!

(YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER nods)

(MALARKEY sits down next to the YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER)

MALARKY
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
We’re practically the same age.
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
The Kraut uniform, that’s so strange.
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
I’m from Astoria, by the way.
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
You’re on the wrong side, that’s insane.

MALARKEY (spoken)
Hey Popeye! Popeye, get a load of this: he’s from Eugene.

POPEYE (spoken)
Oh come on, Malark, we’re waiting for you. Hurry up.

MALARKEY (spoken)
I’ll be right there.

POPEYE (spoken)
Oh brother…

MALARKEY
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
This news is blowing my mind.
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
It just seems like, well, a crime.
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
You should be on our side.
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
Where’s your native Oregonian pride?

MALARKEY (spoken)
So what gives? What are you doing in a Kraut uniform?

YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER (spoken)
Volksdeutsche.

MALARKEY (spoken)
Come again?

YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER (spoken)
My family answered the call. All true Aryans should return to the Fatherland. Joined up in ’41.

MALARKEY (spoken)
You’re shitting me, right?

EASY COMPANY
He can’t believe you’re from Oregon
But you signed up with the Krauts.
He can’t believe you’re from Oregon
It’s got him feeling on the outs.
He can’t believe you’re from Oregon
Stop fraternizing

POPEYE
Hey.

TOYE
Yo.

POPEYE
Come on.

TOYE
Let’s go.

POPEYE
Malark…

TOYE
Malark…

EASY COMPANY
He can’t believe you’re from Oregon
And you’re dressed up like a Kraut!

YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER (spoken)
So yeah, I was in the plant in ‘39.

MALARKEY (spoken)
That’s when I was at Monarch, tooling propeller shafts. No kidding! What are the chances of that, huh? You and me, a hundred miles apart from each other, working practically at the same job…

POPEYE (spoken)
Hey, Malark! We’re waiting on you!

TOYE (spoken)
Yeah, quit fraternizing with the enemy! Get over here!

MALARKEY (spoken)
I’m coming, I’m coming.

(MALARKEY stands, looks at the YOUNG GERMAN SOLDIER, and shakes his head)

MALARKEY
I can’t believe...

EASY COMPANY
He can’t believe...

MALARKEY
I can’t believe...

GERMAN SOLDIERS
He can’t believe...

MALARKEY
I can’t believe that you and me
Have so much in common but we’re enemies.

EASY COMPANY
He can’t believe you’re from Oregon
Your German uniform hurts his head.

MALARKEY
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
And you’re on the other side instead.

EASY COMPANY
On the other side instead.

MALARKEY
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
That’s not how it should work.
I don’t understand
You’re the same as me.

MALARKEY & EASY COMPANY
We should be on the same team.

MALARKEY
I can’t believe you’re from Oregon
And you joined up with the Krauts.

(MALARKEY turns and walks away)

EASY COMPANY
They’re prisoners.

GERMAN SOLDIERS
We’re prisoners.

MALARKEY
I can’t believe he’s from Oregon.

EASY COMPANY
They’re prisoners.

GERMAN SOLDIERS
We’re prisoners.

Previous installments of Band of Brothers: The Musical! can be found here:
Act One, Scene One - CO of Easy
Act One, Scene Two - Commanding Officer Song
Act One, Scene Three - Sergeant of Easy Company
Act One, Scene Four - It’s Normandy
Act One, Scene Five - Do You See the Drop Zone?
Act One, Scene Six - Out Tonight

Enjoy!

author: m-buggie, fanfic

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