(no subject)
Title: Not For Me (1/2)
Author: ruby_caspar
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Romance/Angst
Characters/Pairings: Arthur/Gwen
Spoilers: None really that I can think of
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Merlin. Woe the day.
Summary: Gwen is sure something has changed between her and Arthur, but sometimes getting everything you want is the same as losing it all.
Author’s notes: This was originally going to be a oneshot, but as I was writing I realised it would be way too long for that, and actually divided quite nicely into two different sections. Both are inspired by my favourite scene in 'Gigi', which was a novel by Colette that was adapted into a musical by Lerner and Loewe - if you've never seen it, go and find it right now.
This is my first time publishing Arthur/Gwen fanfic, so any feedback would really be appreciated!
Also, I'm really useless on lj, so if this post goes horribly wrong I apologise in advance...
“It’s not your fault if you’re world-famous. But I haven’t got a world-famous sort of nature. So it won’t do for me.”
Gigi by Colette
Not For Me
Gwen was lurking. She was lurking, and she knew she was lurking, and she was fairly sure that if anyone saw her they would also know that she was lurking. She felt like a fool, but she didn’t have the courage to turn the corner ahead of her and knock on the door she wanted to, and she was too worried to just leave as she ought. So, she lurked.
The corridor was dark but pale moonlight slanted through the narrow window on Gwen’s left. She rested her shoulder against the frame and gazed out over the castle courtyard below - it was deserted, as it should be at this hour. Gwen sighed. Everyone was in bed - she should be too.
He was probably in bed by now. It had been a long day for him. What was she planning to do, wake him up to talk to him? What did she even want to say?
It was idiotic, as simple as that. She had to leave. Right now.
“Gwen?”
Gwen jumped away from the window in panic at the sound of the voice, but calmed down quickly when she saw it was only Merlin. If anyone was going to find her lurking, Merlin was certainly the least embarrassing.
“Oh, good evening Merlin,” Gwen said pleasantly, trying to sound as normal as possible.
“What are you still doing here?” Merlin asked, walking over to her.
Gwen felt herself blush a little and thanked god for the darkness. She took a little step back from the moonlight for good measure. “Oh, I was just finishing up some chores and was just about to leave,” she said, hoping that Merlin didn’t notice how insincerely high and bright her voice sounded.
Merlin just nodded at her answer. “Well, I just spent the last ten minutes knocking on Arthur’s door,” he said.
Gwen’s heart jumped into her throat. “Is he alright?” She asked worriedly.
“He’s fine,” said Merlin, rolling his eyes. “Or at least that’s what he wants everyone to think.”
Gwen swallowed. “What do you mean?” She asked.
“Gaius thinks he’s hurt his shoulder,” Merlin said. “Something about the way he was holding his shield or something - I don’t know. Anyway, he gave me this poultice to give to him, but like I said, Arthur won’t let me in.”
It was then Gwen noticed the small bundle in Merlin’s arms. She eyed it guiltily.
“How do you know he is not just asleep?” She asked him.
Merlin grinned. “Because he told me to sod off,” he said.
Gwen smiled a little at that, glad that Arthur was at least well enough to be grouching at Merlin. If he was badly hurt she’d never forgive herself.
“Listen, why don’t you try to give this to him?” Merlin asked suddenly.
Gwen’s eyes snapped up to his face. “What?”
Merlin held out the bundle to her. “It’s worth a try,” he said. “You don’t annoy Arthur like I do; he’s not going to tell you to sod off.”
“He might,” said Gwen weakly.
Merlin rolled his eyes. “Nah, he’s far too gallant for that,” he said, pushing the bundle into her arms - Gwen had no choice but to take it. “Just drop it off in his room.” He started to walk round her. “And tell him that if he doesn’t use it and his shoulder hurts in the morning, he’d better not whine about it to me.”
Gwen spun round desperately. “Merlin, I really -”
“Thanks Gwen!” Merlin called over his shoulder to her. With a wave and a smile he disappeared down the stairs.
Gwen stood rooted to the spot for a long moment, staring down the now-empty corridor. Well, she’d got she’d wanted, kind of. She now had an excuse to go into his room and see for herself that he really was alright. She now had a reason for being there, and something to say to him. But now that she had all those things, the instinct to run home as fast as possible was growing alarmingly strong.
Gwen took a deep breath and silently berated herself for being so silly. It wasn’t as if she had never been alone with him before now. It wasn’t as if they’d never spoken to each other as more than just prince and maidservant. It was just that today… today had changed things. Gwen wasn’t sure what exactly, but she could feel it. Things were different.
She hugged the bundle closer to her and felt the cold of the poultice inside even through the layers of material. In the end what made her turn once more and walk down the corridor to Arthur’s door was the thought that he was in pain, and she had the means to help him.
It was the very least she could do for him.
Gwen paused for the briefest of moments at Arthur’s door, not wanting to lose her nerve. She knocked and waited for an answer. She didn’t have to wait long.
“I swear to God Merlin, if you don’t go home this very second I will - ”
“It’s not Merlin,” Gwen called out, cutting Arthur off. She waited for him to open the door. Despite what she’d said to Merlin, she knew that Arthur would let her in. She knew in the way she knew things had changed today.
Sure enough, she heard muffled footsteps and then the sound of the iron latch being lifted, and a moment later Arthur appeared behind the open door. He was barefoot, wearing plain linen trousers and shirt - and a look of surprise.
“Guinevere,” he said, starting to lean against the doorframe. He stopped quickly though and stayed standing up. Gwen saw in that moment that Gaius had been right - he was injured.
“Is everything alright?” He asked her, and Gwen realised she was frowning. She straightened her shoulders and nodded, all nervousness gone. He was injured, and she was going to take care of him whether he liked it or not.
“Fine,” she said. “May I come in?”
Arthur’s eyebrows nearly disappeared into his hair but he nodded and pushed the door open fully. “Of course,” he said. Gwen gave him a small smile and stepped into his chambers. Arthur closed the door behind her.
Gwen took in the state of the room in a swift glance - the bed was perfectly made, so Arthur hadn’t been sleeping. The chair closest to the fire had been pulled away from the table and a goblet was set in front of it, as well as an open book. She turned back to Arthur and gave him an apologetic smile.
“I’m sorry to disturb you,” she said.
“You’re not,” he replied.
Gwen cocked her head to one side. “Merlin was,” she reminded him.
Arthur smirked. “You’re not Merlin,” he said. “It’s one my favourite things about you, Guinevere.”
Gwen shook her head and looked away, and Arthur took a step closer to her. “Merlin sent you, didn’t he?” He said.
Gwen looked back at him, all traces of a smile gone. “Gaius said you have injured your shoulder,” she said.
Arthur stopped smiling as well. “I am fine,” he said seriously.
Gwen nodded. “Yes, I thought you were,” she said. “Lying about not being injured to appear tough would be a little childish.”
Gwen almost smiled at the sheepish look on Arthur’s face, but managed to restrain herself as he nodded. “Exactly,” he said rather gruffly. He shifted from foot to foot and then nodded to the table.
“Sit down,” he said. “Do you want to join me for a drink?”
He started to walk past her to where he kept a few spare goblets, and as he passed her Gwen reached out and poked him in the shoulder.
Arthur cried out in pain and seized his shoulder in his right hand, spinning round to pin her with a look that was shocked, amused and furious all at once. Gwen gave him an overly sweet smile while he gaped at her.
“I could have you arrested for that you know,” he said, rubbing his shoulder.
Gwen raised an eyebrow. “For poking you?” She said.
She could almost hear Arthur grinding his teeth. “Fine,” he said. “I wrenched my shoulder. But it’s not a problem. Really.”
Gwen nodded. “Sit down and let me put the poultice on,” she said. Arthur opened his mouth - to argue, she had no doubt - and she continued before he could. “It will do you good, even if it’s only for five minutes.”
Arthur stared at her for a few moments more before nodding his consent and walking over to the chair by the fire. Gwen followed him and put Gaius’ bundle down on the table, moving Arthur’s goblet to the other end of it.
Arthur sat down and watched Gwen as she undid the strings. “What are you doing here Guinevere?” He asked after a while.
Gwen looked up at him and frowned. “I… Merlin sent me,” she said.
Arthur leant his head back and looked up at her with his eyes half-closed. Gwen knew the look well, and knew for a fact that when he looked at her like that he was really assessing her, not just casually looking at her as his eyes would suggest. “I meant why are you still in the castle?” Arthur said. “It’s late.”
Gwen looked away again, trying to hide her visible embarrassment. “I had some things to do,” she mumbled, working to get the bundle completely open. Inside was a cold compress - probably a lot warmer than it had originally been, but still good - and some of Gaius’ lotion for joint pain. Gwen picked up the compress and turned back to Arthur.
Arthur shifted forward so he was sitting right on the edge of the chair, so that Gwen could have easy access to his shoulder. Her cheeks flamed as she realised she was going to have to ask Arthur to take his shirt off.
She went to stand behind him and cleared her throat. “Um, you’ll have to… er…”
She saw a glimpse of a frown on Arthur’s face before he realised what she meant. “Oh - right,” he said quietly. He quickly pulled his left arm out of the shirt sleeve and lifted the linen up so his back and shoulder were exposed. Gwen, who had seen him shirtless before on more than one occasion, cursed herself for having any kind of reaction to the sight of his muscular torso. But there wasn’t much she could do about that, other than to cover his shoulder with the poultice.
Arthur hissed at the contact, and Gwen could see the muscles moving under his skin as he did so, and she actually felt light-headed. Perhaps it was the firelight flickering over him, causing orange shadows to dance on his skin that was making her feel so aware of him.
No, she knew that wasn’t true. Because she was sure in that moment that that was what had changed that day - awareness. She had always been aware of Arthur; she defied any girl in the kingdom not to be, even her mistress on occasion. But her awareness, her feelings, had always been her own. Their relationship, the strange friendship that had developed between them in the past year, was their own, and never overtly acknowledged even by either of them. But today… today had changed that. It wasn’t easy like it used to be. To anyone else she knew that they would seem perfectly at ease with each other, but she knew better. Ordinarily, if she had poked him, he would have poked her back. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t have missed the opportunity to make a joke about Gwen wanting to see him shirtless. Ordinarily, she would be talking a mile a minute about the day’s events.
Not now. Now there was too much awareness. For both of them.
Gwen was silent for a few minutes, but after that time the silence grew more and more oppressive, until she had to speak. “Um… there’s no swelling, or bruising, which is a good sign,” she said.
“I told you it’s fine,” Arthur said. “It barely even hurts.” He turned his head to smirk at her. “Except when people poke me.”
Gwen stared down at Arthur, mesmerised by the reflection of the fire in his eyes. Arthur’s smile faded as he stared back, and they were still for a few moments until the compress slipped a little under Gwen’s fingers.
Snapped out of her staring and more than a little embarrassed by it, Gwen hurried back over to the table and swapped the poultice for the lotion. Her new plan was to get out of the room as swiftly as possible.
Gwen dipped her fingers into the tub of lotion and hurried back to Arthur’s chair. He was frowning into the fire, but turned his face back to the table when Gwen started to rub the lotion in. Gwen forced herself to concentrate on her task rather than the feel of Arthur’s muscles under her bare hands, the power of his shoulders. She worked as fast as possible, massaging the lotion in until it was all gone.
She was almost finished when Arthur spoke up again. “Are you alright?”
Gwen’s hands stilled for a moment and she had to take a deep breath before she could begin again. “I am fine,” she said. “Absolutely fine.”
Arthur nodded. “Good.”
Gwen finished and walked back over to the table, wiping her hands on the cloth of the bundle. Arthur put his shirt back on properly and then reached forward for his goblet. As he did so Gwen noticed a cut on the back of his hand and without thinking reached out and seized his wrist.
“What happened?” She demanded.
Arthur looked up at her in surprise. “That really is nothing,” he said with a small smile. “It’s just a scratch.”
It was, Gwen could see it was, but she was beyond her breaking point now. She could feel her composure unravelling faster than she could mend it.
“Arthur,” she said in a shaking voice, still holding his wrist. “You could have been killed.”
Arthur actually laughed at that. “Come now Guinevere - Forster was never going to kill me,” he said. “A welp like that was no match for -”
“It takes one mistake Arthur!” Gwen exclaimed. “If you had lost your concentration for just one second you could have… he could have…”
Arthur smirked. “But I didn’t.”
Gwen shook her head and let go of his wrist, turning to go. Before she could take a single step though, Arthur took hold of her hand and tugged her back to him.
“Guinevere, stop,” he said, quietly but firmly. “You have something you want to say - you didn’t stay in the castle this late because you had things to do.”
Gwen raised her eyes to his, and he squeezed her hand. “Tell me.”
Gwen swallowed. He knew her too well, and she in turn knew he wouldn’t let her leave until she spoke. “Why did you do it?” She whispered.
Arthur looked at her incredulously. “Why? You have to ask me why after what he tried to do to you?!”
Gwen took a step towards Arthur and covered his hand with both of hers. “Arthur I’m fine,” she said. “He didn’t hurt me…”
Arthur snorted. “Only because I happened to be walking past!”
Gwen fell to her knees beside Arthur’s chair, his hand clasped to her chest. “I was fine Arthur, completely unharmed,” she said desperately. “You prevented there being any danger to me - there was no need to endanger your life like that!”
“I told you, my life was never in danger,” Arthur said, his voice cold. “But his needed to be. He has no place in Camelot”
“You could have just banished him,” said Gwen. “You did anyway.”
Arthur smiled humourlessly. “There’s a difference between banishment and banishment with a broken arm,” he said, “and the latter is what he got.”
Gwen shook her head. “Arthur…”
“Guinevere, I was so angry,” Arthur said suddenly. “When I saw him with you… saw him - I’ve never been so angry in my entire life.” Arthur turned to face her more fully and placed his free hand on her shoulder, keeping her where she was.
Arthur was looking straight at her, and she could see that every single thing he was saying was true. Gwen swallowed and listened.
“I wanted to kill him,” Arthur continued. “If I ever see him again I probably will. That’s why I had to fight him. I had to.”
Gwen stared at him, her eyes brimming with tears of frustration and guilt. He could have been killed, because he’d felt the need to protect her. And why? Why had he gotten so angry? Her awareness prickled, and though her instincts told her she was right her head wouldn’t allow her to believe it. They were friends, yes, but why would Arthur have gotten that angry - the angriest he’d ever been by his own admission - over her? She was just a servant. He couldn’t feel that way about her. It had to be something she wasn’t seeing.
She sighed. “I don’t understand,” she said quietly.
Arthur moved his hand from her shoulder and cupped her cheek, and Gwen thought her heart was actually going to stop beating.
“Really?” Arthur whispered.
Gwen’s heart went from still to beating so fast she thought it would burst in about two seconds flat. Arthur’s hand slid past her cheek and moved to cup the back of her head. He was moving closer to her and she didn’t need the pressure of his hand to move closer to him - she was drifting before his hand even moved.
Their lips met with the softest, lightest of touches, and even though it was also the briefest of touches it was enough for Gwen’s insides to melt with the sweetness of it. Their lips met again, and then again, until Arthur caught Gwen’s bottom lip between his and gently sucked the soft flesh into his mouth. Gwen whimpered and pressed herself towards Arthur, one arm going round his neck to try and pull him closer to her.
Arthur slid out of the chair and was suddenly on his knees beside her, and Gwen found that she could now get a lot closer to him. He let go of her hand to wrap his arm around her waist and she was pulled up flush against him, the line of his body hard against the softness of hers. The kiss which had started out so soft and sweet was now full of a passion that threatened to consume Gwen, but she just pressed herself closer to Arthur, moaning as his tongue ravished her mouth. Arthur groaned in response and Gwen revelled in the sound - a sound she had drawn from him.
She couldn’t believe that this was really happening. She was actually kissing Arthur; he was actually holding her close like he didn’t want to let her go. She had never dreamt it could be possible, that the crown prince could ever feel for her more than simple friendship. Yet here they were.
Here they were.
Panic seized Gwen as she realised the reality of the situation. They weren’t just any man and woman, they were a prince and a servant. They couldn’t do this.
Gwen wrenched her lips away from Arthur’s, and though he followed after her for a moment he soon realised what she was doing and let her pull back. His arm loosened around her waist and Gwen backed away, falling back and steadying herself on the table leg behind her. Arthur was watching her with wide eyes, his breathing unsteady, his lips swollen with their kisses. Gwen wondered if she looked the same, and if she did whether she looked as beautiful as he did. She doubted it.
Arthur cleared his throat, and Gwen could swear he sounded nervous. “Guinevere?”
The sound of her name brought Gwen back to her senses, and she shook her head, scrambling to her feet. “I should go,” she said, not daring to look at Arthur. She spun on her heel and almost ran for the door.
“No - wait - Guinevere!”
Gwen nearly stopped when she heard the panic in Arthur’s voice, the desperation, but she didn’t. Tears sprung to her eyes and she just shook her head, moving faster.
“Forgive me Sire,” she managed to gasp before the tears started to roll down her cheeks. She reached the door, but of course Arthur caught up to her before she could touch it. He seized her shoulders firmly and turned her to face him.
“Guinevere!”
Gwen fought to keep control of her tears and managed to keep herself from sobbing. But the tears alone were clearly too much for Arthur. Gwen watched as his face crumpled with guilt and anguish, and fresh tears came to her eyes at the thought she was causing him such distress.
“Guinevere…” Arthur said, his voice quiet with desperation. “I’m sorry - I didn’t -” He shook his head and gripped her shoulders tighter. “Please don’t leave like this.”
She was hurting him, and she hated herself for it. She shook her head. “Sire…”
Arthur’s eyes flashed with pain when she used his title, and Gwen bit her lip when she heard that pain in his voice. “Guinevere,” he whispered. He swallowed. “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
He clearly thought that she was running from his kisses - and she was, but not in the way he thought. Gwen knew she had to make him understand; she couldn’t leave him like this.
“Arthur…” she said quietly, reaching out to place a gentle hand on his chest. She could feel his heart beating under the thin material of his shirt. She swallowed. “It’s not that I don’t want…” She shut her eyes and turned her head away. “But I’m just a servant.” Her hand dropped from his chest. “We could never be more than…” She raised her eyes to his wide blue ones again and shook her head, her lip trembling. “And I’m sorry but I just couldn’t -” She closed her eyes again and a moment later she found herself enfolded in Arthur’s arms.
“I know,” he whispered in her ear. “I know.”
Gwen let herself relax against Arthur for only a moment - it was too tempting to stay there, cocooned in his arms and wrapped in his warmth. She still had to leave. So she pulled away - reluctantly - and he let her go.
“I should go,” she repeated.
Arthur frowned. “Will you be alright?”
Gwen gave him a shaky smile. “I’ll be fine. I know my way home,” she said.
Gwen could tell by the look on Arthur’s face that he hadn’t been worried about her going home in the dark, and she felt another tear escape down her cheek. Arthur reached out and cupped her cheek, wiping away the tear with his thumb. Gwen closed her eyes again at the feel of his hand on her flushed skin, and kept them closed when she heard Arthur whisper “be careful” and take a step closer to her. She felt his warm breath against her other cheek and then his lips as he kissed her there gently. He started to pull away again but it was as though something took over Gwen’s body, some instinct she was powerless to control, and as he tried to take a step back she reached up with both hands and pulled his face back down to hers.
Arthur responded immediately, and Gwen raked her fingers through his thick blond hair as their passion ignited between them again. Arthur’s arms pulled her tight against him once more and then suddenly Gwen felt herself being pressed back against the door as Arthur tilted his head and plunged deeper into her mouth. Gwen gave a strangled cry of pleasure and dug her nails into Arthur’s scalp; he responded with a groan of his own and by pressing her tighter between his body and the door.
Gwen’s head was spinning with the recklessness of it all; with the passion, the lack of oxygen, everything. She knew that this was it, this had to be the last time she ever let her guard down around Arthur Pendragon, because he had the potential to be her downfall in every way. And she would let him be, willingly, if he would just keep kissing her.
Eventually though, the need for oxygen became too great for both of them, and they pulled apart. Arthur rested his forehead against Gwen’s and they stared into each other’s eyes, blue into brown, as they both struggled to get their breathing under control. Arthur was looking at her with a question burning in his gaze, and Gwen knew her answer would hurt both of them.
There were no tears this time, as she stood up straight and gently but firmly pushed against Arthur’s chest. He stepped back silently and let his hand drop to his sides, and he didn’t try to stop her as she opened the door and hurried out of his chambers.