fic: Not Your Shoe Size
Title: Not Your Shoe Size
Authors: calliglad and captains_girl
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: We do not own, nor are we affiliated with Merlin, Colin Morgan, Bradley James or any other subject in this story. This is for entertainment purposes with no wish to offend.
Summary: Colin takes Bradley back to Ireland with him. Misunderstandings, some hilarious and some not, ensue. Written in alternating points of view by each author.
Notes: In this story, we have changed Colin's brother's name, for two reasons: COMEDY and we felt that we'd be crossing some kind of line otherwise.
-
Bradley groans.
He's standing in the check-in line at Charles de Gaulle airport, the French air hostess is taking for-bloody-ever and he is desperately unhappy.
"There, there," says Colin, patting his arm. "We won't be here too much longer. We'll check in our bags and buy you a curly wurly and you'll feel much better."
"Mmnhmmgh," says Bradley, displeased.
Colin does indeed buy him a curly wurly and Bradley does indeed feel much better.
(But Colin doesn't need to know that).
The airport lounge is very grey and there are no interesting magazines. There's only 'Saga' or 'Glamour'. Bradley takes a while to choose between them, and ends up flicking through 'Glamour' without much thought.
"Why 'Glamour'?" asks Colin. "What makes you identify with women more than old people?"
"'Glamour' photographed me well," says Bradley, pausing to admire a photo of topless Hugh Jackman. "And you, too."
Colin nods. Bradley's not sure he actually knows, so he clarifies,
"You know, that photoshoot. I was wearing that military jacket?"
Colin just nods again, so maybe he's not that interested in military jackets.
The magazine turns out to be filled (excluding Hugh Jackman) only with shoes. Bradley throws it down in disgust and huffs, putting his feet up on the table to get Colin's attention. Colin slaps them down again and goes back to his newspaper.
"Colin...?"
"Yes, Bradley?"
"Is that our plane?"
There are lots of planes on the runway. There's a British Airways one trundling in their direction. Colin glances up.
"No, Bradley."
"Oh. Is that our plane?"
"No, Bradley."
"Is that our plane?"
"No--Yes, it is, Bradley."
Bradley has a look at the airline logo. "Aer Lingus!"
Colin sighs beside him and rustles his newspaper. Bradley ignores him in favour of watching the planes.
-
They’re finally settled nicely on the (Aer Lingus) plane- Row E, Seats 1 and 2- and Colin takes the window seat (“Oh God, what if a bird flew past and-and-looked at me?!” was Bradley’s reasoning for sitting in the middle of the row of three) and starts to read his newspaper, when suddenly he hears the infuriating, tinny, ‘tra-la-la’ of Bradley’s Nintendo DS. He turns to berate him when he realises that the noise is coming from the young boy sitting in E3, and not Bradley in E2. Colin also notices his friend staring intently over said boy’s shoulder, rolling his eyes every five seconds. Colin sighs and goes back to his paper.
He’s not surprised to hear, “No, no, you’re doing all wrong, mate...” from Bradley five minutes later.
He watches as Bradley explains a complicated and intricate way to cheat a certain level on some game that Colin’s never heard of. “Look you just jump past the tree of life, into the river of doom, then hold down buttons X, A and Y whilst whistling the theme tune...” Colin watches as the, now slightly frightened, boy follows Bradley’s instructions word for word, and then suddenly grin as the DS lights up and whistles like an out of control fairground ride.
“I’m Arthur,” says the boy, smiling brightly.
“Me too!” beams Bradley.
Later on when he, Arthur’s mother and several flight attendants have told Bradley and Arthur to quieten down without any success, Colin employs the emergency Curly Wurly from his hand luggage, whilst Arthur’s mother resorts to more drastic measures by swapping places with her son. Arthur sits sulkily across the aisle, minus DS, as Bradley happily chomps away on his chocolate.
“Fanks, Colin” Bradley mumbles, mouth glued together by toffee, but still managing a smile. Colin goes to sigh, when he changes his mind and smiles back at Bradley, with a look in his eyes that says “You’re special, but I love you anyway.”
It’s not a long flight from France to Ireland, but Colin and Bradley, being typical men, had decided to spend their last night in France at that Parisian bar they liked, rather than packing and as a consequence are absolutely exhausted. (Mainly because Katie woke them early this morning to make sure that they were ready- the boys were not best pleased.)
Finally Bradley has calmed down after the Nintendo DS debacle and the two Curly Wurly’s and Colin is pleased to see him shut his eyes for a bit. The next thing Colin knows is that Bradley’s head has come to rest on his shoulder, and he is snoring lightly. Colin thinks how peaceful Bradley looks, pats down a bit of his blonde hair that’s sticking up and decides to catch forty winks himself.
-
Bradley is standing in Windsor castle, dressed in Arthur's clothes. Colin's there too, dressed as Merlin.
"Why're we here?"
"Budget cuts," says Colin.
"Recession," adds Anthony, strangely dressed as Giles.
"Giles!" says Bradley. "Why are you here?"
"No time, Katie's having her baby!"
"She's pregnant? Hid that well."
"Bradley?" says Colin. "Bradley, come on. We need to get off."
"What?" says Bradley. "Not now, Colin! Katie's having her baby."
"Bradley, we're landing. We need to get off the plane."
"We're not on a plane!" Bradley shouts, then wakes up and finds that he is, in fact, on a plane. And everyone is staring at him. And not in a 'have-I-seen-you-before?' sort of way.
"Er," says Bradley.
"Never mind," says Colin. "Seatbelt on."
The plane lands bumpily and Bradley spends the next half an hour of baggage reclaim half-deaf because his ears won't pop.
Colin says something, but it sounds like he's two thousand leagues under the sea, so Bradley says, "What?" maybe too loudly.
Colin repeats himself, but Bradley's having difficulty distinguishing anything but 'Yogi Bear'.
"What?"
Colin shakes his head and points in the direction of the exit. Bradley follows, still trying to clear his ears.
"We getting a taxi?" he says.
Colin shakes his head and says something that could be, "Undercover curry to Pimlico."
"What?" says Bradley, thumping the side of his head in an attempt to dislodge the aeroplane fuzz. He stops quickly, because there's a meatier version of Colin standing just inside the doors, staring at him in alarm.
"Erm, hallo," says Bradley, doing that affable smile thing. It doesn't work.
"This is my brother, Bradley," and then Colin says a name that Bradley doesn't catch.
"Fatty?"
"No, Paddy."
"Oh. Well, that explains it, then. I'd always thought it a bit of a cop-out, you being Irish and not being called Paddy."
There's a pause where there would normally be an awkward silence, but instead, the roaring in Bradley's ears takes on a tumbledrier-like tone.
Paddy shakes his hand in a brief sort of way and takes Colin's bag. Colin takes Bradley's and points towards the exit. Bradley follows them like a lost lamb and tries not to feel too emasculated.
During the car journey, he yawns so widely that his jaw cracks and the world is suddenly unmuted, but it doesn't make things better - Colin's accent has plunged into the incomprehensible in the presence of his brother. Or maybe it's the proximity to his native soil. Whatever. It's even worse than when they first met.
Bradley tries to pitch in to the conversation, "I love peppers. My mum keeps trying to grow them in the greenhouse."
There's another awkward silence before Colin says, "That's-- great, Bradley," and Bradley realises they probably weren't talking about peppers.
-
Colin’s slightly nervous about showing Bradley his cluttered, well-lived in house- he’s been to Bradley’s in London, and his flat is, well, swanky.
Bradley sits tentatively down on the sofa, like it might eat him at any second.
“It’s alright Bradley- my parents won’t be here. They’re on holiday for a fortnight.” Colin explains to a relieved looking Bradley, “I’ll put the kettle on, shall I?” Bradley just nods tiredly.
In the kitchen Colin sees that the kettle is already boiling and three mugs are laid out.
“I don’t know how Bradley takes his tea, should I-" Paddy starts.
“Milk, three sugars,” Colin says without thinking.
“Three?”
“He says he likes it sweet, just like him.”
Paddy just laughs and shakes his head as the kettle clicks, and he goes to finish the tea off. “You two seem...close...” he says.
“Just because I’m gay, Paddy, doesn’t mean that every guy I talk to is my new boyfriend,” Colin scolds, remembering his brother's reaction when he came out.
Paddy holds his hands up in defence, “Sorry, but he is attractive, even I can see that.”
“Oh God, please don’t tell him that--his head will get even bigger and he’ll start telling the ladies that even Irish men find him hot...”
“So he’s into women then?”
“Paddy!”
“Just asking, bro...”
“A bit of both I think.”
“Greedy bastard.”
Colin laughs, Paddy lightly punches him on his shoulder in an I-find-talking-about-your-sexuality-very-uncomfortable-so-i’m-going-to-be-manly kind of way, and Colin takes the tea out to Bradley.
Bradley is no longer on the sofa, but laughing at an old picture of Colin, Paddy and their parents.
“What are you looking at that for?” he asks, setting his tea down and passing the other to Bradley.
“You look cute-thanks-but, my! Your ears! They’ve always been this big, even when your head was smaller!”
“Yeah, thanks Bradley.”
“No, I mean, ah come on, you know I love your ears!” Bradley protests, grabbing at one as if to make a point.
Colin rolls his eyes, and watches Bradley yawn, “Time for bed I think.”
“Good idea.”
“Come on, I’ll show you my room, no doubt a treasure trove of things for you to laugh at in there.”
“I wouldn’t dare...” Bradley says, a devilish grin on his face.
-
When Bradley gets out of the bathroom, pyjamas on, clothes in hand, Colin says,
"Make yourself comfortable - I'll just be a minute,"
and promptly takes his place. Bradley looks around Colin's affectionately cluttered room, at the posters on the walls and the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, and smiles. Then realises there's only one bed.
But it's a double. That's okay. Men can share beds if they're doubles, right?
Bradley shrugs and gets in.
Colin shuffles back in, looks at Bradley, opens his mouth and then closes it.
"Okay," he says, like Bradley's asked him for a favour, and turns off the light.
Bradley has considerately left at least half the bed empty, so he's a bit surprised when Colin moves around to the other side of the bed and lies down on the floor.
"Colin? What on earth are you doing?"
"Er, sleeping?"
"No, what are you doing on the floor?"
"Sleeping?"
"Well, what're you doing that for?"
There's a pause, then a hesitant, "You took the bed, so..."
"So what? You don't think this bed is big enough for the two of us? You calling me fat, Morgan?"
"No, no," says Colin. "It's fine. Really-- There's an air-mattress."
"Don't be ridiculous, Colin, I'm not turfing you out of your own bed. Come up here like a normal person."
There's another pause before Colin gets up and stands at the edge of the bed.
"And what about you?" he says.
"I'm sleeping here as well," says Bradley. "King Arthur did not sleep on air-mattresses."
"No, I think he made do with the ground."
"Well, Bradley James does not do either. Now get in bed, it's freezing. And don’t steal all the covers."
-
It’s 10am when Bradley finally shuffles downstairs, his hair all dishevelled and rubbing his eyes, “Whattimeisit?” he mumbles.
“It’s ten o clock, Bradley!”
“Really?”
Colin just laughs and nods. Bradley takes a seat at the table, and they sit in comfortable silence for a while, whilst Colin eats his toast.
“Want some breakfast Bradley? I bought you some coco pops especially, I know you like them.” Colin remembers asking Paddy to buy them specifically, just because Bradley only eats that or bananas for breakfast.
Bradley looks genuinely chuffed that Colin remembered his favourite cereal, and smiles deeply at him, and Colin’s heart skips a beat.
“What are we up to today in Armagh?” Bradley asks between mouthfuls, as if he were a cheery children’s TV presenter.
“I thought actually you might like to meet some of my friends? I mean, if you don’t want to you don’t have to of course, it’s just…well, they’re all dying to meet the famous Bradley James.”
“Been talking about me, have you?”
“No, you just happen to be the ridiculously good looking secondary character on one of the BBC’s biggest shows, you idiot!”
“Co-lead character, thank you very much!”
Colin scoffs, and Bradley gives him evils. “Fine, co-lead character…”
“I’d love to meet your friends Mr Morgan.”
“Well, go and get ready you lazy bastard!”
“Oooh, I like it when you take charge..” Bradley mocks as he goes back upstairs.
Colin throws a tea towel at him.
-
Bradley strides into the pub like he owns the place, which, by the looks on everybody's faces, is probably not the best idea. He wonders if they can smell foreign-ness.
"They're over there," says Colin, pushing him in the back. "In the corner."
Colin's mates all look up as they near the table, some with narrowed eyes. Bradley doesn't know much about the Irish, except that they drink a lot and they talk like leprechauns, but he hopes that blatant xenophobia isn't something to add to the list.
"Hi," he says.
"I'll get us drinks," says Colin and disappears, the cheeky tart.
"Hi," he says again.
"Hello," a couple of them say. The others look measuring.
"I'm Bradley."
"Yeah, we know," says one.
"Colin talks about you all the time," says another.
"Oh," says Bradley.
"Sit down," one pushes a chair out. "I'm Aaron, by the way."
"Hey," says Bradley, sitting down and having a better look at Colin's mates.
Friends say a lot about a person and Colin's are a motley bunch. They all seem to be unnaturally tall and it's like sitting at a table of giants. Most of them are as pasty as Colin, with one notable exception, who turns out to be Australian. There isn't a single ginger among them, but there's a David Bowie look-a-like, a shockingly blonde one of indiscriminate gender and one whose face is entirely made of freckles.
They seem like alright blokes, except every time Bradley tries to lighten the mood with a funny story, one of them beats him to the punchline and says,
"Two cans of beer and a spatula, yeah. Colin tells that one when he's trying to impress as well."
There's a bit of an awkward silence before Aaron ruffles Bradley's hair and says, "Don't worry, we're just messing with you. But seriously, Colin does tell that joke all the time. Not very good at pulling with it, though."
"Don't think I've ever seen Colin on the pull. 'Least not when he's not smashed."
"Oh, you should. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life."
Colin returns from the bar just in time to catch the last of the conversation. "Talking about me? Very rude."
"Yeah, well, you know me," Bradley says then stops, because, now he thinks about it, that's a colossally stupid thing to say.
Colin just grins and ruffles his hair. "Yeah, I know you."
-
When Bradley excuses himself for ‘the loo’, Colin’s friend John sidles over with that look on his face.
“What?” asks Colin.
“Why didn’t you tell me before that you and Bradley are dating?”
“What?!”
“I said; why didn’t…”
“Yeah, I got that bit, just why on Earth would you think that Bradley and I are dating?!!” he interrupts.
“You’re…you’re not?”
Colin shakes his head violently.
“Oh. But, the way you look at him, and how you bicker and the way you spoke about him before, I just thought…”
“Oh God…” Colin groans, head in his hands, “Am I that obvious?”
“Are you saying you do like him then?”
Colin makes a non-committal noise.
“Oh, my, God… you love him don’t you?”
“Kill me. Just kill me now please.”
“Shit, man! Does he….?”
“Everyone assumes we’re a couple…but him,” he answers, pained.
“I’m sorry, Colin.”
Colin shrugs. “S’alright. I’m dealing with it. In actual fact, he’s pissing me right off today.”
“Oh?”
“It’s just… around me, Bradley’s dim and cute and immature but around you lot he’s…” Colin thinks.
“Suave, charming, interesting, funny…and you never get that side of him?”
“Now you sound like you fancy him!”
“Don’t be stupid Colin. He’s got all the wrong equipment for me!”
Colin laughs. “Still not seeing that homosexuality is the way forward, then?”
“Talking of, is Bradley… ?” John trails off.
“Gay? I don’t think he would consider himself so, but that doesn’t mean that he’s never thought about guys like that or done anything with them. To be honest, I don’t think he considers himself as anything, the whole ‘love is genderless’ and all that…”
“So there’s a chance that you two could get it on?”
Colin scoffs.
“Maybe not then.”
Just then Bradley returns from the toilets.
“I couldn’t tell which was the gents… it was in Irish!”
“What did you go for in the end?” John asks.
“Mena?”
“Oh dear.”
“Yeah, I wondered why there were a lot of women in there…”
They all laugh, and Bradley doesn’t even look embarrassed.
“Well, I need another drink,” Bradley says, putting his hand casually on Colin’s shoulder. “Either of you want one?”
“No, thanks.”
“Nah, I’m good thanks.”
Bradley squeezes Colin’s shoulder and smiles at them before he goes to the bar.
Colin sighs. “I need some air.”
And, with that, he rushes outside.
-
"So how do you like acting, Bradley?" says Aaron. "Meet lots of hot babes?"
"Uh, not really," says Bradley, leaning forward and putting his elbow on a beer mat. "Filming's pretty intensive. After it's aired, though, then it gets pretty bad. Especially after this series. The directors keep slipping me all these shirtless scenes."
"Yeah," replies Aaron, smiling. "I noticed."
-
Colin's had a chance to calm down outside, and with a few more beers and John's words of encouragement, he's feeling okay... until he sees Bradley. Leaning across the table from Aaron. Laughing, smiling and-- Was he flirting?! And with Aaron? Of all people!
As Colin is mentally despairing, Bradley runs up to him and John excitedly.
"Look!" he exclaims. "I can balance a spoon on my nose!"
Colin sighs and walks away.
"Well, Aaron thought it was funny...", he hears Bradley say to John.
-
They creep up the stairs when they get back, presumably to avoid waking Paddy. At any rate, Colin's really quiet, so Bradley holds his tongue until they're getting into bed.
"I liked your mates," he says. "They were all really cool."
Colin doesn't say anything. He's lying on his side, turned away, so Bradley can't see his face. He tries again.
"Aaron," he says. "I liked him. He was really great."
Colin doesn't reply.
"They were saying we'd all do some five-a-side football thing tomorrow. You'd be up for that, yeah?"
"I'm trying to sleep, Bradley," Colin says, like he's so weary, like he's climbing the highest mountain and is nowhere near the top.
"Oh," says Bradley. "Sorry. I didn't-- Sorry."
He turns off the light.
-
Colin's had enough. As soon as they arrived at the pitch, Bradley and Aaron were hugging and chatting like long lost best friends reunited. And as Colin walked past them on the way to the toilet, he swore he heard Bradley saying; "I think David Cameron would make an okay Prime Minister actually, but it's that second NHS policy that’s not going to get him elected in the first place…" but he must have been mistaken, because by the time Colin walks past them on his way back, Bradley is saying, "Mmm, cheese…".
When everyone else is warming up it's just Colin and Bradley still getting changed.
"You alright, mate?" asks Bradley.
"Yeah, fine." Colin replies.
"You sure? 'Cos you've been acting a bit funny…"
"Me? That's a laugh!"
"What?!" Bradley is thoroughly confused.
"I'm not the one that's been acting out of character!"
"I really don't understand…"
"Look, I just think that you're fucking immature Bradley, and you've behaved--well, like a complete idiot since we've been here and frankly, it's embarassing!"
"Oh, fuck off!"
"Proving my point...!"
"Oh! So, you've always thought I'm immature, huh? You saying I'm thick?"
"Well, there's a reason you got into acting, isn't there?"
"What the...?! Bradley stands transfixed for a moment, before throwing a random shoe across the room in frustration.
Colin scoffs and goes to leave, but looks back over his shoulder. “Act your age Bradley.”
-
"Colin! Hey, Colin, I'm open!"
Colin looks at Bradley, looks him square in the face, pauses, then passes the ball to somebody else.
"Oh, what?" Bradley mutters, sprinting to the other end of the pitch. The other team gets the ball and scores a goal. Bradley tries to catch Colin's eye, but Colin's not having any of it.
Later, when they've lost the match and Aaron is making commiseratory gestures, Colin runs ahead into the changing rooms and is dressed before Bradley's even got his boots off.
"I'll see you later," Colin says, without looking at him, before slamming out of the changing rooms.
Bradley just sits on the bench, holding his socks. The others all stare at him.
"Bradley?" says Aaron, after a moment. "What was all that about?"
"It's nothing," says Bradley, stripping rapidly and heading for the showers. "I dunno-- It's fine. Whatever."
He stays under the spray for a very long time, until the door has banged closed and he can't hear voices anymore. He shuts off the water and stands there, dripping, utterly confused.
"Bradley?"
He wants it to be Colin, back to apologise, but it's only Aaron.
"You alright?"
"Yeah," Bradley says, but it's such a fucking lie.
"That wasn't great acting there," says Aaron. "Not what I expect from a guy like you."
"Yeah, well," says Bradley, and can't think of anything to say after that.
"Look, I know Colin, okay? He just-- He can get a bit, you know, sometimes."
"Yeah," sighs Bradley. "I just-- It's never happened before. I don't know what set him off. I must've done something, or--"
"Hey," Aaron interrupts, kissing him, closed-mouthed and firm, a no-nonsense sort of kiss. "Don't worry about it. You're his best mate. What's the worst that could happen?"
Bradley just stands there, poleaxed, thoughts of he won't be my friend anymore, we won't be able to work together and he won't speak to me again running through his head. Aaron slaps his chest lightly and kisses him again before sinking to his knees on the wet tiles .
Bradley can't find it in himself to say no.
*
After he’s stormed out of the changing room, and had twenty minutes to himself, Colin has decided he’s a bit of an idiot. No, he’s a stupid, fucking idiot. His anger towards Bradley earlier stemmed from unfounded jealousy. So what if Bradley was flirting with Aaron? It was probably unintentional, because he’s flirty by nature, and if it had been anyone other than his Aaron, and Bradley his- his best friend, then he’d probably have thought differently. Anyway, their pointless arguing meant they got thrashed by the other team.
Colin has to apologise, but everyone seems to have gone, so he wanders into the changing rooms, and at first he can’t see anyone, but as he peeks around the door he sees Bradley. And Aaron. And Aaron is kneeling down in front of a naked Bradley, whose head is thrown back, with his eyes closed and back arched, moaning in pleasure. Colin stands still for a few seconds, watching - they clearly haven’t seen him - but then bile rises in his throat, tears sting his eyes and he runs off to be sick.
*
Bradley goes to the pub afterwards with Aaron to meet the others, but Colin's not there. He drinks only half of his pint before leaving, making excuses, desperate to find Colin. Aaron offers to walk him home. Bradley declines, but it's not weird or anything. Aaron just slaps him on the shoulder and things are fine.
Bradley gets lost a couple of times on the way to Colin's house, but he makes it back eventually without having to ask for directions.
When he gets back, it's dark and Paddy's in the kitchen, eating Shredded Wheat and reading an Andy McNab novel.
"Colin's gone to bed," he says, without preamble. "Bit upset."
"Yeah," says Bradley, "I know."
"You know?" says Paddy, still chomping. "Know why?"
"No," Bradley says, sitting down. "I think it was my fault, though."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Think I've been really stupid."
"How stupid?"
Bradley takes a slow breath. "Stupid. So stupid."
"Huh. Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really."
"Probably should, though."
"Yeah."
The kitchen falls silent, except for Paddy's munching and the clink of his spoon on the bowl. Bradley feels like he's in some kind of showdown, like Paddy's staring him down, waiting for him to break. It makes him itchy, even though Paddy's just unconcernedly eating, probably not even bothered with Colin's soap-opera of a life.
When it becomes clear that Bradley's not going to do anything except sit there and act a bit gormless, Paddy rolls his eyes and says, "Look, don't worry about it. It's not that bad."
Bradley makes a non-commital noise, his thoughts drifting.
What does Paddy even do? Is he on the dole? Maybe he runs a pornographic website from home. The accounts or something. Or maybe he's some kind of agony aunt? Oh God, he's Dear Deirdre--oh, wait, maybe they don't have that in Ireland.
"Bradley?" Paddy says.
Porn. Definitely porn.
Bradley opens his mouth to say something--about what, he's not sure--but Paddy just steamrollers on.
"Colin just used to have a rough time of it, that's all. You know, a bad break-up, tough graduation, that sort of thing. But things are way better now--he's got you and a steady job and he and Aaron are way better than they used to be--"
The lights in Bradley's brain go full beam.
"Aaron?" he says, stupidly.
"Yeah, you know. Tall, good-looking, Colin's-ex? Swear you went to the pub with him."
Bradley feels like such a fucking idiot. No wonder Colin's upset--and it's all Bradley's ham-handed fault. He never should have gotten involved with Aaron, because Colin must've got wind of it somehow, Murphy's Law-style.
Bradley leaves the kitchen and takes refuge in his mobile, searching through his phonebook for someone who might not understand, but who'll definitely listen.
"Oh, Tony," he says. "I fucked up bad."
-
The next morning Colin leaves Bradley asleep in bed, thinking over what he saw the day before. When he gets downstairs, Paddy is making tea.
“You want one?” he asks, without even turning around.
“Yes, please.”
The tea is made in silence, and the two brothers sit across the table from each other, sipping their drinks.
“You want to talk about yesterday?” Paddy asks tentatively.
“Not really.”
“Bradley was worried…”
“Was he now?!”
“Something to do with him then?”
“You could say that.” Colin sighs.
“Look I don’t want you to snap at me again, about the whole gay thing… but I have to ask, is there something going on between you and Bradley?”
“You wouldn’t be the first person to ask that recently.”
“Is there any truth in it?”
“I guess.” Colin sighs yet again, and stares into his mug, like it might hold the answers.
“You like him, don’t you?”
Colin says nothing.
“Do you want to talk about your-” Paddy clears his throat awkwardly “feelings?”
Colin looks up at him, “I’ve been helplessly in love with Bradley almost since I met him and I don’t think he has a clue or feels the same way.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, Oh.” Colin slams down his mug on the table. “Oh shit!” he says. “I’m such an idiot! I need to get out!” and with that he gets changed and leaves the house.
-
Bradley wakes up on the sofa with a crick in his neck. Paddy's sitting on the floor, watching the Grand Prix, which would explain some of Bradley's stranger dreams.
"Colin?" he mumbles.
"Wrong one," says Paddy, not looking up.
"No, where is he?"
"I dunno. I'm not his mother."
Bradley goes to the loo and thinks about what Tony said. Feeling slightly mollified, he lingers outside Colin's bedroom door for at least five minutes, figuring out what to say.
"Colin?" he calls, tentatively. When there's no answer, he pushes the door open, but there's no one in there, just rumpled bedcovers.
Bradley doesn't know whether to feel relieved or afraid, so he sits down on the bed in indecision.
Colin's got a lot of charming rubbish in his room--musical detritus from Avenue Q to Queens of the Stone Age, shelves of books and scripts, a wall of postcards. Bradley's always found Colin's neatness endearing, along with his strange penchant for getting up early and eating healthily, and sitting here, in Colin's room, surrounded by photos and momentos and memories, it's almost too intimate. Bradley wants to pick up and touch everything, but doesn't think he has the right. He wishes he did.
Then, the realisation hits him like a freight train--twice in two days, which can't be healthy--leaving him gasping like an over-hamming actor, scrambling for the stairs.
Paddy looks up from the Grand Prix when Bradley thumps back into the living room and starts pacing in front of the telly.
"If Jenson Button catches fire while you're obscuring the screen, Bradley, you'll no longer be welcome in this household."
"No, it's--" Bradley starts, then sits down heavily on the sofa. "I just--"
"Spit it out."
"Your brother," blurts Bradley. "I'm in love with him."
"Well, duh," says Paddy, turning back to the telly. "Well done for noting, Einstein."
"But what should I do?" Bradley absolutely does not whine.
"Standard procedure is generally to tell them," says Paddy. "Now either shut up and watch or go pace somewhere else."
Bradley isn't too interested in cars at this point, so he retreats to the kitchen to go wear out the floorboards there.
-
As soon as Colin steps in the door he's bombarded by his brother, with a worried face.
"Bradley is NOT well... he's been pacing, and talking to himself, and at one point I'm sure he was crying, but I decided not to investigate further," Paddy says, with a grimace.
"Thanks, bro."
He skips upstairs and indeed finds Bradley pacing, and Colin just stands in the doorway, watching his friend, until Bradley finally notices him. They stand and look at each other for a while, in complete silence, until they both start talking at once.
"Colin, I am so sorry..."
"Bradley, I was an idiot..."
They both laugh at themselves.
"I bought you a curly wurly, actually a multipack of curly wurlys..." Colin offers after a while, holding out the Asda bag.
"You were at Asda?"
"Well, we ran out of teabags, and I wanted to get you something to apologise..."
"You? Apologise to me?"
"Well, I should have never implied that you're stupid because you are perfect just as you are, and our friendship is perfect just as it is and you're an adult you can do what you like with who you like and..."
"So you know about Aaron then?" Colin just nods, preferring not to think about it. "God, Col, I'm so sorry. I don't know why the hell I did it, I mean I was upset and he came onto me, and I'm so not interested in him at all!"
"Oh thank God for that, cos he's a dick."
"Well, you would know..." Bradley says, and Colin now realises that Paddy must have told him about how he and Aaron used to be an item.
"Can we just start again?" Colin asks, hopeful, holding his hand out for Bradley to shake.
Bradley takes a deep breath in. "No." He says, defiantly, pushing away Colin's hand, leaving him confused for a few seconds, before Bradley leans in and closes his lips over his.
Colin is so suprised, that for a second he just stands there motionless, until he starts to feel Bradley pull away, and so he eventually joins in forgetting any reasons why this is a bad idea. They break away after what seems like forever.
"What was that?" Colin asks.
"I'm pretty sure I just kissed you." Bradley replies.
"Maybe we should do it again, just to check, y'know?"
"Oh yes of course, just to check..."
They grin and lean in again. A while later they have moved to the bed, and to groping, when Paddy walks in.
"Guys, would you like... Oh well finally!" he cries. "And get a room!"
"It is my room....?!" Colin says.
"I know, I've just always wanted to say that!" Paddy grins, before leaving.
"Why did he say finally?" Colin asks Bradley.
"Oh, because this morning I told him I'm in love with you..."
"You're... you're in love with me?"
"Oh dear."
Colin laughs, uncontrollably and very loudly.
"What's so funny?"
"Because I'm in love with you too!"
"You are?"
Colin nods, still laughing, and Bradley joins in the hysterics.
"Oh God, we're so stupid!" and they laugh until their sides hurt, and until Bradley can't resist the curly wurlys anymore.
-
Bradley groans.
He's standing in the check-in line at Belfast City airport, the Irish air hostess is taking for-bloody-ever and he is desperately unhappy. Well, not desperately. At least marginally happier than last time.
"There, there," says Colin, taking his hand. "We won't be here too much longer. We'll check in our bags and buy you a curly wurly and you'll feel much better."
"Mmm," says Bradley, giving him a kiss which makes the businessman behind them make a choked sort of noise.
Colin does indeed buy him a curly wurly and Bradley does indeed feel much better.
(But Colin already knows that).
Authors: calliglad and captains_girl
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: We do not own, nor are we affiliated with Merlin, Colin Morgan, Bradley James or any other subject in this story. This is for entertainment purposes with no wish to offend.
Summary: Colin takes Bradley back to Ireland with him. Misunderstandings, some hilarious and some not, ensue. Written in alternating points of view by each author.
Notes: In this story, we have changed Colin's brother's name, for two reasons: COMEDY and we felt that we'd be crossing some kind of line otherwise.
-
Bradley groans.
He's standing in the check-in line at Charles de Gaulle airport, the French air hostess is taking for-bloody-ever and he is desperately unhappy.
"There, there," says Colin, patting his arm. "We won't be here too much longer. We'll check in our bags and buy you a curly wurly and you'll feel much better."
"Mmnhmmgh," says Bradley, displeased.
Colin does indeed buy him a curly wurly and Bradley does indeed feel much better.
(But Colin doesn't need to know that).
The airport lounge is very grey and there are no interesting magazines. There's only 'Saga' or 'Glamour'. Bradley takes a while to choose between them, and ends up flicking through 'Glamour' without much thought.
"Why 'Glamour'?" asks Colin. "What makes you identify with women more than old people?"
"'Glamour' photographed me well," says Bradley, pausing to admire a photo of topless Hugh Jackman. "And you, too."
Colin nods. Bradley's not sure he actually knows, so he clarifies,
"You know, that photoshoot. I was wearing that military jacket?"
Colin just nods again, so maybe he's not that interested in military jackets.
The magazine turns out to be filled (excluding Hugh Jackman) only with shoes. Bradley throws it down in disgust and huffs, putting his feet up on the table to get Colin's attention. Colin slaps them down again and goes back to his newspaper.
"Colin...?"
"Yes, Bradley?"
"Is that our plane?"
There are lots of planes on the runway. There's a British Airways one trundling in their direction. Colin glances up.
"No, Bradley."
"Oh. Is that our plane?"
"No, Bradley."
"Is that our plane?"
"No--Yes, it is, Bradley."
Bradley has a look at the airline logo. "Aer Lingus!"
Colin sighs beside him and rustles his newspaper. Bradley ignores him in favour of watching the planes.
-
They’re finally settled nicely on the (Aer Lingus) plane- Row E, Seats 1 and 2- and Colin takes the window seat (“Oh God, what if a bird flew past and-and-looked at me?!” was Bradley’s reasoning for sitting in the middle of the row of three) and starts to read his newspaper, when suddenly he hears the infuriating, tinny, ‘tra-la-la’ of Bradley’s Nintendo DS. He turns to berate him when he realises that the noise is coming from the young boy sitting in E3, and not Bradley in E2. Colin also notices his friend staring intently over said boy’s shoulder, rolling his eyes every five seconds. Colin sighs and goes back to his paper.
He’s not surprised to hear, “No, no, you’re doing all wrong, mate...” from Bradley five minutes later.
He watches as Bradley explains a complicated and intricate way to cheat a certain level on some game that Colin’s never heard of. “Look you just jump past the tree of life, into the river of doom, then hold down buttons X, A and Y whilst whistling the theme tune...” Colin watches as the, now slightly frightened, boy follows Bradley’s instructions word for word, and then suddenly grin as the DS lights up and whistles like an out of control fairground ride.
“I’m Arthur,” says the boy, smiling brightly.
“Me too!” beams Bradley.
Later on when he, Arthur’s mother and several flight attendants have told Bradley and Arthur to quieten down without any success, Colin employs the emergency Curly Wurly from his hand luggage, whilst Arthur’s mother resorts to more drastic measures by swapping places with her son. Arthur sits sulkily across the aisle, minus DS, as Bradley happily chomps away on his chocolate.
“Fanks, Colin” Bradley mumbles, mouth glued together by toffee, but still managing a smile. Colin goes to sigh, when he changes his mind and smiles back at Bradley, with a look in his eyes that says “You’re special, but I love you anyway.”
It’s not a long flight from France to Ireland, but Colin and Bradley, being typical men, had decided to spend their last night in France at that Parisian bar they liked, rather than packing and as a consequence are absolutely exhausted. (Mainly because Katie woke them early this morning to make sure that they were ready- the boys were not best pleased.)
Finally Bradley has calmed down after the Nintendo DS debacle and the two Curly Wurly’s and Colin is pleased to see him shut his eyes for a bit. The next thing Colin knows is that Bradley’s head has come to rest on his shoulder, and he is snoring lightly. Colin thinks how peaceful Bradley looks, pats down a bit of his blonde hair that’s sticking up and decides to catch forty winks himself.
-
Bradley is standing in Windsor castle, dressed in Arthur's clothes. Colin's there too, dressed as Merlin.
"Why're we here?"
"Budget cuts," says Colin.
"Recession," adds Anthony, strangely dressed as Giles.
"Giles!" says Bradley. "Why are you here?"
"No time, Katie's having her baby!"
"She's pregnant? Hid that well."
"Bradley?" says Colin. "Bradley, come on. We need to get off."
"What?" says Bradley. "Not now, Colin! Katie's having her baby."
"Bradley, we're landing. We need to get off the plane."
"We're not on a plane!" Bradley shouts, then wakes up and finds that he is, in fact, on a plane. And everyone is staring at him. And not in a 'have-I-seen-you-before?' sort of way.
"Er," says Bradley.
"Never mind," says Colin. "Seatbelt on."
The plane lands bumpily and Bradley spends the next half an hour of baggage reclaim half-deaf because his ears won't pop.
Colin says something, but it sounds like he's two thousand leagues under the sea, so Bradley says, "What?" maybe too loudly.
Colin repeats himself, but Bradley's having difficulty distinguishing anything but 'Yogi Bear'.
"What?"
Colin shakes his head and points in the direction of the exit. Bradley follows, still trying to clear his ears.
"We getting a taxi?" he says.
Colin shakes his head and says something that could be, "Undercover curry to Pimlico."
"What?" says Bradley, thumping the side of his head in an attempt to dislodge the aeroplane fuzz. He stops quickly, because there's a meatier version of Colin standing just inside the doors, staring at him in alarm.
"Erm, hallo," says Bradley, doing that affable smile thing. It doesn't work.
"This is my brother, Bradley," and then Colin says a name that Bradley doesn't catch.
"Fatty?"
"No, Paddy."
"Oh. Well, that explains it, then. I'd always thought it a bit of a cop-out, you being Irish and not being called Paddy."
There's a pause where there would normally be an awkward silence, but instead, the roaring in Bradley's ears takes on a tumbledrier-like tone.
Paddy shakes his hand in a brief sort of way and takes Colin's bag. Colin takes Bradley's and points towards the exit. Bradley follows them like a lost lamb and tries not to feel too emasculated.
During the car journey, he yawns so widely that his jaw cracks and the world is suddenly unmuted, but it doesn't make things better - Colin's accent has plunged into the incomprehensible in the presence of his brother. Or maybe it's the proximity to his native soil. Whatever. It's even worse than when they first met.
Bradley tries to pitch in to the conversation, "I love peppers. My mum keeps trying to grow them in the greenhouse."
There's another awkward silence before Colin says, "That's-- great, Bradley," and Bradley realises they probably weren't talking about peppers.
-
Colin’s slightly nervous about showing Bradley his cluttered, well-lived in house- he’s been to Bradley’s in London, and his flat is, well, swanky.
Bradley sits tentatively down on the sofa, like it might eat him at any second.
“It’s alright Bradley- my parents won’t be here. They’re on holiday for a fortnight.” Colin explains to a relieved looking Bradley, “I’ll put the kettle on, shall I?” Bradley just nods tiredly.
In the kitchen Colin sees that the kettle is already boiling and three mugs are laid out.
“I don’t know how Bradley takes his tea, should I-" Paddy starts.
“Milk, three sugars,” Colin says without thinking.
“Three?”
“He says he likes it sweet, just like him.”
Paddy just laughs and shakes his head as the kettle clicks, and he goes to finish the tea off. “You two seem...close...” he says.
“Just because I’m gay, Paddy, doesn’t mean that every guy I talk to is my new boyfriend,” Colin scolds, remembering his brother's reaction when he came out.
Paddy holds his hands up in defence, “Sorry, but he is attractive, even I can see that.”
“Oh God, please don’t tell him that--his head will get even bigger and he’ll start telling the ladies that even Irish men find him hot...”
“So he’s into women then?”
“Paddy!”
“Just asking, bro...”
“A bit of both I think.”
“Greedy bastard.”
Colin laughs, Paddy lightly punches him on his shoulder in an I-find-talking-about-your-sexuality-very-uncomfortable-so-i’m-going-to-be-manly kind of way, and Colin takes the tea out to Bradley.
Bradley is no longer on the sofa, but laughing at an old picture of Colin, Paddy and their parents.
“What are you looking at that for?” he asks, setting his tea down and passing the other to Bradley.
“You look cute-thanks-but, my! Your ears! They’ve always been this big, even when your head was smaller!”
“Yeah, thanks Bradley.”
“No, I mean, ah come on, you know I love your ears!” Bradley protests, grabbing at one as if to make a point.
Colin rolls his eyes, and watches Bradley yawn, “Time for bed I think.”
“Good idea.”
“Come on, I’ll show you my room, no doubt a treasure trove of things for you to laugh at in there.”
“I wouldn’t dare...” Bradley says, a devilish grin on his face.
-
When Bradley gets out of the bathroom, pyjamas on, clothes in hand, Colin says,
"Make yourself comfortable - I'll just be a minute,"
and promptly takes his place. Bradley looks around Colin's affectionately cluttered room, at the posters on the walls and the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, and smiles. Then realises there's only one bed.
But it's a double. That's okay. Men can share beds if they're doubles, right?
Bradley shrugs and gets in.
Colin shuffles back in, looks at Bradley, opens his mouth and then closes it.
"Okay," he says, like Bradley's asked him for a favour, and turns off the light.
Bradley has considerately left at least half the bed empty, so he's a bit surprised when Colin moves around to the other side of the bed and lies down on the floor.
"Colin? What on earth are you doing?"
"Er, sleeping?"
"No, what are you doing on the floor?"
"Sleeping?"
"Well, what're you doing that for?"
There's a pause, then a hesitant, "You took the bed, so..."
"So what? You don't think this bed is big enough for the two of us? You calling me fat, Morgan?"
"No, no," says Colin. "It's fine. Really-- There's an air-mattress."
"Don't be ridiculous, Colin, I'm not turfing you out of your own bed. Come up here like a normal person."
There's another pause before Colin gets up and stands at the edge of the bed.
"And what about you?" he says.
"I'm sleeping here as well," says Bradley. "King Arthur did not sleep on air-mattresses."
"No, I think he made do with the ground."
"Well, Bradley James does not do either. Now get in bed, it's freezing. And don’t steal all the covers."
-
It’s 10am when Bradley finally shuffles downstairs, his hair all dishevelled and rubbing his eyes, “Whattimeisit?” he mumbles.
“It’s ten o clock, Bradley!”
“Really?”
Colin just laughs and nods. Bradley takes a seat at the table, and they sit in comfortable silence for a while, whilst Colin eats his toast.
“Want some breakfast Bradley? I bought you some coco pops especially, I know you like them.” Colin remembers asking Paddy to buy them specifically, just because Bradley only eats that or bananas for breakfast.
Bradley looks genuinely chuffed that Colin remembered his favourite cereal, and smiles deeply at him, and Colin’s heart skips a beat.
“What are we up to today in Armagh?” Bradley asks between mouthfuls, as if he were a cheery children’s TV presenter.
“I thought actually you might like to meet some of my friends? I mean, if you don’t want to you don’t have to of course, it’s just…well, they’re all dying to meet the famous Bradley James.”
“Been talking about me, have you?”
“No, you just happen to be the ridiculously good looking secondary character on one of the BBC’s biggest shows, you idiot!”
“Co-lead character, thank you very much!”
Colin scoffs, and Bradley gives him evils. “Fine, co-lead character…”
“I’d love to meet your friends Mr Morgan.”
“Well, go and get ready you lazy bastard!”
“Oooh, I like it when you take charge..” Bradley mocks as he goes back upstairs.
Colin throws a tea towel at him.
-
Bradley strides into the pub like he owns the place, which, by the looks on everybody's faces, is probably not the best idea. He wonders if they can smell foreign-ness.
"They're over there," says Colin, pushing him in the back. "In the corner."
Colin's mates all look up as they near the table, some with narrowed eyes. Bradley doesn't know much about the Irish, except that they drink a lot and they talk like leprechauns, but he hopes that blatant xenophobia isn't something to add to the list.
"Hi," he says.
"I'll get us drinks," says Colin and disappears, the cheeky tart.
"Hi," he says again.
"Hello," a couple of them say. The others look measuring.
"I'm Bradley."
"Yeah, we know," says one.
"Colin talks about you all the time," says another.
"Oh," says Bradley.
"Sit down," one pushes a chair out. "I'm Aaron, by the way."
"Hey," says Bradley, sitting down and having a better look at Colin's mates.
Friends say a lot about a person and Colin's are a motley bunch. They all seem to be unnaturally tall and it's like sitting at a table of giants. Most of them are as pasty as Colin, with one notable exception, who turns out to be Australian. There isn't a single ginger among them, but there's a David Bowie look-a-like, a shockingly blonde one of indiscriminate gender and one whose face is entirely made of freckles.
They seem like alright blokes, except every time Bradley tries to lighten the mood with a funny story, one of them beats him to the punchline and says,
"Two cans of beer and a spatula, yeah. Colin tells that one when he's trying to impress as well."
There's a bit of an awkward silence before Aaron ruffles Bradley's hair and says, "Don't worry, we're just messing with you. But seriously, Colin does tell that joke all the time. Not very good at pulling with it, though."
"Don't think I've ever seen Colin on the pull. 'Least not when he's not smashed."
"Oh, you should. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life."
Colin returns from the bar just in time to catch the last of the conversation. "Talking about me? Very rude."
"Yeah, well, you know me," Bradley says then stops, because, now he thinks about it, that's a colossally stupid thing to say.
Colin just grins and ruffles his hair. "Yeah, I know you."
-
When Bradley excuses himself for ‘the loo’, Colin’s friend John sidles over with that look on his face.
“What?” asks Colin.
“Why didn’t you tell me before that you and Bradley are dating?”
“What?!”
“I said; why didn’t…”
“Yeah, I got that bit, just why on Earth would you think that Bradley and I are dating?!!” he interrupts.
“You’re…you’re not?”
Colin shakes his head violently.
“Oh. But, the way you look at him, and how you bicker and the way you spoke about him before, I just thought…”
“Oh God…” Colin groans, head in his hands, “Am I that obvious?”
“Are you saying you do like him then?”
Colin makes a non-committal noise.
“Oh, my, God… you love him don’t you?”
“Kill me. Just kill me now please.”
“Shit, man! Does he….?”
“Everyone assumes we’re a couple…but him,” he answers, pained.
“I’m sorry, Colin.”
Colin shrugs. “S’alright. I’m dealing with it. In actual fact, he’s pissing me right off today.”
“Oh?”
“It’s just… around me, Bradley’s dim and cute and immature but around you lot he’s…” Colin thinks.
“Suave, charming, interesting, funny…and you never get that side of him?”
“Now you sound like you fancy him!”
“Don’t be stupid Colin. He’s got all the wrong equipment for me!”
Colin laughs. “Still not seeing that homosexuality is the way forward, then?”
“Talking of, is Bradley… ?” John trails off.
“Gay? I don’t think he would consider himself so, but that doesn’t mean that he’s never thought about guys like that or done anything with them. To be honest, I don’t think he considers himself as anything, the whole ‘love is genderless’ and all that…”
“So there’s a chance that you two could get it on?”
Colin scoffs.
“Maybe not then.”
Just then Bradley returns from the toilets.
“I couldn’t tell which was the gents… it was in Irish!”
“What did you go for in the end?” John asks.
“Mena?”
“Oh dear.”
“Yeah, I wondered why there were a lot of women in there…”
They all laugh, and Bradley doesn’t even look embarrassed.
“Well, I need another drink,” Bradley says, putting his hand casually on Colin’s shoulder. “Either of you want one?”
“No, thanks.”
“Nah, I’m good thanks.”
Bradley squeezes Colin’s shoulder and smiles at them before he goes to the bar.
Colin sighs. “I need some air.”
And, with that, he rushes outside.
-
"So how do you like acting, Bradley?" says Aaron. "Meet lots of hot babes?"
"Uh, not really," says Bradley, leaning forward and putting his elbow on a beer mat. "Filming's pretty intensive. After it's aired, though, then it gets pretty bad. Especially after this series. The directors keep slipping me all these shirtless scenes."
"Yeah," replies Aaron, smiling. "I noticed."
-
Colin's had a chance to calm down outside, and with a few more beers and John's words of encouragement, he's feeling okay... until he sees Bradley. Leaning across the table from Aaron. Laughing, smiling and-- Was he flirting?! And with Aaron? Of all people!
As Colin is mentally despairing, Bradley runs up to him and John excitedly.
"Look!" he exclaims. "I can balance a spoon on my nose!"
Colin sighs and walks away.
"Well, Aaron thought it was funny...", he hears Bradley say to John.
-
They creep up the stairs when they get back, presumably to avoid waking Paddy. At any rate, Colin's really quiet, so Bradley holds his tongue until they're getting into bed.
"I liked your mates," he says. "They were all really cool."
Colin doesn't say anything. He's lying on his side, turned away, so Bradley can't see his face. He tries again.
"Aaron," he says. "I liked him. He was really great."
Colin doesn't reply.
"They were saying we'd all do some five-a-side football thing tomorrow. You'd be up for that, yeah?"
"I'm trying to sleep, Bradley," Colin says, like he's so weary, like he's climbing the highest mountain and is nowhere near the top.
"Oh," says Bradley. "Sorry. I didn't-- Sorry."
He turns off the light.
-
Colin's had enough. As soon as they arrived at the pitch, Bradley and Aaron were hugging and chatting like long lost best friends reunited. And as Colin walked past them on the way to the toilet, he swore he heard Bradley saying; "I think David Cameron would make an okay Prime Minister actually, but it's that second NHS policy that’s not going to get him elected in the first place…" but he must have been mistaken, because by the time Colin walks past them on his way back, Bradley is saying, "Mmm, cheese…".
When everyone else is warming up it's just Colin and Bradley still getting changed.
"You alright, mate?" asks Bradley.
"Yeah, fine." Colin replies.
"You sure? 'Cos you've been acting a bit funny…"
"Me? That's a laugh!"
"What?!" Bradley is thoroughly confused.
"I'm not the one that's been acting out of character!"
"I really don't understand…"
"Look, I just think that you're fucking immature Bradley, and you've behaved--well, like a complete idiot since we've been here and frankly, it's embarassing!"
"Oh, fuck off!"
"Proving my point...!"
"Oh! So, you've always thought I'm immature, huh? You saying I'm thick?"
"Well, there's a reason you got into acting, isn't there?"
"What the...?! Bradley stands transfixed for a moment, before throwing a random shoe across the room in frustration.
Colin scoffs and goes to leave, but looks back over his shoulder. “Act your age Bradley.”
-
"Colin! Hey, Colin, I'm open!"
Colin looks at Bradley, looks him square in the face, pauses, then passes the ball to somebody else.
"Oh, what?" Bradley mutters, sprinting to the other end of the pitch. The other team gets the ball and scores a goal. Bradley tries to catch Colin's eye, but Colin's not having any of it.
Later, when they've lost the match and Aaron is making commiseratory gestures, Colin runs ahead into the changing rooms and is dressed before Bradley's even got his boots off.
"I'll see you later," Colin says, without looking at him, before slamming out of the changing rooms.
Bradley just sits on the bench, holding his socks. The others all stare at him.
"Bradley?" says Aaron, after a moment. "What was all that about?"
"It's nothing," says Bradley, stripping rapidly and heading for the showers. "I dunno-- It's fine. Whatever."
He stays under the spray for a very long time, until the door has banged closed and he can't hear voices anymore. He shuts off the water and stands there, dripping, utterly confused.
"Bradley?"
He wants it to be Colin, back to apologise, but it's only Aaron.
"You alright?"
"Yeah," Bradley says, but it's such a fucking lie.
"That wasn't great acting there," says Aaron. "Not what I expect from a guy like you."
"Yeah, well," says Bradley, and can't think of anything to say after that.
"Look, I know Colin, okay? He just-- He can get a bit, you know, sometimes."
"Yeah," sighs Bradley. "I just-- It's never happened before. I don't know what set him off. I must've done something, or--"
"Hey," Aaron interrupts, kissing him, closed-mouthed and firm, a no-nonsense sort of kiss. "Don't worry about it. You're his best mate. What's the worst that could happen?"
Bradley just stands there, poleaxed, thoughts of he won't be my friend anymore, we won't be able to work together and he won't speak to me again running through his head. Aaron slaps his chest lightly and kisses him again before sinking to his knees on the wet tiles .
Bradley can't find it in himself to say no.
*
After he’s stormed out of the changing room, and had twenty minutes to himself, Colin has decided he’s a bit of an idiot. No, he’s a stupid, fucking idiot. His anger towards Bradley earlier stemmed from unfounded jealousy. So what if Bradley was flirting with Aaron? It was probably unintentional, because he’s flirty by nature, and if it had been anyone other than his Aaron, and Bradley his- his best friend, then he’d probably have thought differently. Anyway, their pointless arguing meant they got thrashed by the other team.
Colin has to apologise, but everyone seems to have gone, so he wanders into the changing rooms, and at first he can’t see anyone, but as he peeks around the door he sees Bradley. And Aaron. And Aaron is kneeling down in front of a naked Bradley, whose head is thrown back, with his eyes closed and back arched, moaning in pleasure. Colin stands still for a few seconds, watching - they clearly haven’t seen him - but then bile rises in his throat, tears sting his eyes and he runs off to be sick.
*
Bradley goes to the pub afterwards with Aaron to meet the others, but Colin's not there. He drinks only half of his pint before leaving, making excuses, desperate to find Colin. Aaron offers to walk him home. Bradley declines, but it's not weird or anything. Aaron just slaps him on the shoulder and things are fine.
Bradley gets lost a couple of times on the way to Colin's house, but he makes it back eventually without having to ask for directions.
When he gets back, it's dark and Paddy's in the kitchen, eating Shredded Wheat and reading an Andy McNab novel.
"Colin's gone to bed," he says, without preamble. "Bit upset."
"Yeah," says Bradley, "I know."
"You know?" says Paddy, still chomping. "Know why?"
"No," Bradley says, sitting down. "I think it was my fault, though."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Think I've been really stupid."
"How stupid?"
Bradley takes a slow breath. "Stupid. So stupid."
"Huh. Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really."
"Probably should, though."
"Yeah."
The kitchen falls silent, except for Paddy's munching and the clink of his spoon on the bowl. Bradley feels like he's in some kind of showdown, like Paddy's staring him down, waiting for him to break. It makes him itchy, even though Paddy's just unconcernedly eating, probably not even bothered with Colin's soap-opera of a life.
When it becomes clear that Bradley's not going to do anything except sit there and act a bit gormless, Paddy rolls his eyes and says, "Look, don't worry about it. It's not that bad."
Bradley makes a non-commital noise, his thoughts drifting.
What does Paddy even do? Is he on the dole? Maybe he runs a pornographic website from home. The accounts or something. Or maybe he's some kind of agony aunt? Oh God, he's Dear Deirdre--oh, wait, maybe they don't have that in Ireland.
"Bradley?" Paddy says.
Porn. Definitely porn.
Bradley opens his mouth to say something--about what, he's not sure--but Paddy just steamrollers on.
"Colin just used to have a rough time of it, that's all. You know, a bad break-up, tough graduation, that sort of thing. But things are way better now--he's got you and a steady job and he and Aaron are way better than they used to be--"
The lights in Bradley's brain go full beam.
"Aaron?" he says, stupidly.
"Yeah, you know. Tall, good-looking, Colin's-ex? Swear you went to the pub with him."
Bradley feels like such a fucking idiot. No wonder Colin's upset--and it's all Bradley's ham-handed fault. He never should have gotten involved with Aaron, because Colin must've got wind of it somehow, Murphy's Law-style.
Bradley leaves the kitchen and takes refuge in his mobile, searching through his phonebook for someone who might not understand, but who'll definitely listen.
"Oh, Tony," he says. "I fucked up bad."
-
The next morning Colin leaves Bradley asleep in bed, thinking over what he saw the day before. When he gets downstairs, Paddy is making tea.
“You want one?” he asks, without even turning around.
“Yes, please.”
The tea is made in silence, and the two brothers sit across the table from each other, sipping their drinks.
“You want to talk about yesterday?” Paddy asks tentatively.
“Not really.”
“Bradley was worried…”
“Was he now?!”
“Something to do with him then?”
“You could say that.” Colin sighs.
“Look I don’t want you to snap at me again, about the whole gay thing… but I have to ask, is there something going on between you and Bradley?”
“You wouldn’t be the first person to ask that recently.”
“Is there any truth in it?”
“I guess.” Colin sighs yet again, and stares into his mug, like it might hold the answers.
“You like him, don’t you?”
Colin says nothing.
“Do you want to talk about your-” Paddy clears his throat awkwardly “feelings?”
Colin looks up at him, “I’ve been helplessly in love with Bradley almost since I met him and I don’t think he has a clue or feels the same way.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, Oh.” Colin slams down his mug on the table. “Oh shit!” he says. “I’m such an idiot! I need to get out!” and with that he gets changed and leaves the house.
-
Bradley wakes up on the sofa with a crick in his neck. Paddy's sitting on the floor, watching the Grand Prix, which would explain some of Bradley's stranger dreams.
"Colin?" he mumbles.
"Wrong one," says Paddy, not looking up.
"No, where is he?"
"I dunno. I'm not his mother."
Bradley goes to the loo and thinks about what Tony said. Feeling slightly mollified, he lingers outside Colin's bedroom door for at least five minutes, figuring out what to say.
"Colin?" he calls, tentatively. When there's no answer, he pushes the door open, but there's no one in there, just rumpled bedcovers.
Bradley doesn't know whether to feel relieved or afraid, so he sits down on the bed in indecision.
Colin's got a lot of charming rubbish in his room--musical detritus from Avenue Q to Queens of the Stone Age, shelves of books and scripts, a wall of postcards. Bradley's always found Colin's neatness endearing, along with his strange penchant for getting up early and eating healthily, and sitting here, in Colin's room, surrounded by photos and momentos and memories, it's almost too intimate. Bradley wants to pick up and touch everything, but doesn't think he has the right. He wishes he did.
Then, the realisation hits him like a freight train--twice in two days, which can't be healthy--leaving him gasping like an over-hamming actor, scrambling for the stairs.
Paddy looks up from the Grand Prix when Bradley thumps back into the living room and starts pacing in front of the telly.
"If Jenson Button catches fire while you're obscuring the screen, Bradley, you'll no longer be welcome in this household."
"No, it's--" Bradley starts, then sits down heavily on the sofa. "I just--"
"Spit it out."
"Your brother," blurts Bradley. "I'm in love with him."
"Well, duh," says Paddy, turning back to the telly. "Well done for noting, Einstein."
"But what should I do?" Bradley absolutely does not whine.
"Standard procedure is generally to tell them," says Paddy. "Now either shut up and watch or go pace somewhere else."
Bradley isn't too interested in cars at this point, so he retreats to the kitchen to go wear out the floorboards there.
-
As soon as Colin steps in the door he's bombarded by his brother, with a worried face.
"Bradley is NOT well... he's been pacing, and talking to himself, and at one point I'm sure he was crying, but I decided not to investigate further," Paddy says, with a grimace.
"Thanks, bro."
He skips upstairs and indeed finds Bradley pacing, and Colin just stands in the doorway, watching his friend, until Bradley finally notices him. They stand and look at each other for a while, in complete silence, until they both start talking at once.
"Colin, I am so sorry..."
"Bradley, I was an idiot..."
They both laugh at themselves.
"I bought you a curly wurly, actually a multipack of curly wurlys..." Colin offers after a while, holding out the Asda bag.
"You were at Asda?"
"Well, we ran out of teabags, and I wanted to get you something to apologise..."
"You? Apologise to me?"
"Well, I should have never implied that you're stupid because you are perfect just as you are, and our friendship is perfect just as it is and you're an adult you can do what you like with who you like and..."
"So you know about Aaron then?" Colin just nods, preferring not to think about it. "God, Col, I'm so sorry. I don't know why the hell I did it, I mean I was upset and he came onto me, and I'm so not interested in him at all!"
"Oh thank God for that, cos he's a dick."
"Well, you would know..." Bradley says, and Colin now realises that Paddy must have told him about how he and Aaron used to be an item.
"Can we just start again?" Colin asks, hopeful, holding his hand out for Bradley to shake.
Bradley takes a deep breath in. "No." He says, defiantly, pushing away Colin's hand, leaving him confused for a few seconds, before Bradley leans in and closes his lips over his.
Colin is so suprised, that for a second he just stands there motionless, until he starts to feel Bradley pull away, and so he eventually joins in forgetting any reasons why this is a bad idea. They break away after what seems like forever.
"What was that?" Colin asks.
"I'm pretty sure I just kissed you." Bradley replies.
"Maybe we should do it again, just to check, y'know?"
"Oh yes of course, just to check..."
They grin and lean in again. A while later they have moved to the bed, and to groping, when Paddy walks in.
"Guys, would you like... Oh well finally!" he cries. "And get a room!"
"It is my room....?!" Colin says.
"I know, I've just always wanted to say that!" Paddy grins, before leaving.
"Why did he say finally?" Colin asks Bradley.
"Oh, because this morning I told him I'm in love with you..."
"You're... you're in love with me?"
"Oh dear."
Colin laughs, uncontrollably and very loudly.
"What's so funny?"
"Because I'm in love with you too!"
"You are?"
Colin nods, still laughing, and Bradley joins in the hysterics.
"Oh God, we're so stupid!" and they laugh until their sides hurt, and until Bradley can't resist the curly wurlys anymore.
-
Bradley groans.
He's standing in the check-in line at Belfast City airport, the Irish air hostess is taking for-bloody-ever and he is desperately unhappy. Well, not desperately. At least marginally happier than last time.
"There, there," says Colin, taking his hand. "We won't be here too much longer. We'll check in our bags and buy you a curly wurly and you'll feel much better."
"Mmm," says Bradley, giving him a kiss which makes the businessman behind them make a choked sort of noise.
Colin does indeed buy him a curly wurly and Bradley does indeed feel much better.
(But Colin already knows that).