Here Comes The Sun 9/?
Here Comes The Sun 9/?
Title: I Found A Reason
GA/PP crossover-ish
Pairings: Callie/Addison, Callie/Cristina
Rating:
Disclaimer: They belong to Shonda--BARELY.
Summary: “That’s what I thought. Look at you. You were crying--you’ve BEEN crying. Don’t think I haven’t’ noticed. I don’t--I don’t feel you anymore, Callie. And it’s hurting both of us. I’m not having that. I’m not a masochist.”
Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better than what came before
And you'd better come come, come come to me
Better come come, come come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come
Oh I do believe
In all the things you say
What comes is better that what came before
And you'd better run run, run run to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come, come come, come come to me
You'd better run
65, 66, 67, 68...58? Addison sighed and gave up on counting the lines on her hand as she sat, slumped over her desk, with her cheek pressed against the cool wood. Her eyes moved up to the ridiculously short stack of paperwork on her desk and she drummed her pen on it. She’d never had so much time on her hands--and she wished she was a little busier for once.
She sighed again and sat up, her shoulders still slumped forwards. Depression was not fun.
Her eyes darted up to the door at the hard knock, “Working!” She called, “I’m working. Leave me alone. No patients to day.”
“Naomi says you need to talk.” Violet called from behind the door.
“I don’t’ need to talk. I’m fine.”
“No, she says you NEED to talk.”
“I’m working.”
“Right.” Violet nodded and turned to shrug at Naomi, who had been standing behind her, “She doesn’t want to talk.”
“Great.” Naomi grumbled under her breath and walked towards the lobby, where the phone rang as soon as she reached the front desk.
“Oceanside Wellness Clinic.” Dell said into the receiver, and frowned before setting it back into place.
“What?” Naomi asked him.
“Third hang up today.”
She chewed her lip thoughtfully, “Really…let me see that.”
He handed her the phone and she read the area code, “Same phone number?”
“Yep.”
“Next time they call again, just forward the call straight to me, please.”
“You got it.”
“Thanks
_____________________
Addison ate at her own pace when she was sad-slash-depressed. She didn’t enjoy being babied or guarded. Or WATCHED. She definitely did not like being watched in the least. And she most definitely did not enjoy being watched while she ate by these particular people.
“Okay, STOP. Everyone needs to discover the wonder that is television and stop watching ME eat.” She finally said to the concerned faces staring back at her from around the break room. After the non action and the non moving and the non stop watching, she rolled her eyes, “Okay. REALLY. STOP. IT. Stop watching me eat.”
“The thing is, you’re not eating.” Violet said, “You need to actually consume food and stuff.”
“I’m eating.” Addison sneered at her.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Pete offered.
She looked up at him, raised eyebrow ready, “No. I do not want to talk about this with you.”
“What about me?” Cooper asked, “I’m REALLY good with other people’s relationships. VERY good with lesbian relationships especially.” He flinched after receiving a hard smack upside the head from both Naomi and Violet, “What?! I’m just saying!”
“I don’t’ want to talk about anything. And I am eating. I’m eating plenty. So, STOP. WATCHING. ME. PLEASE.”
“Have you cried yet?” Sam asked, concerned.
She simply stared back with a warning look on her face, “Okay. Enough. I’ll eat in my office.”
Once she had exited the room, glaring eyes were directed at Sam, “What?”
“Have you CRIED yet?” Naomi mocked him, “Really, Doctor Feel-Good? That’s all you’ve got? She’s done nothing BUT cry. Jesus, Sam.”
“I don’t’ see YOU doing any better--”
The bickering faded behind her as Addison reached her office and she closed the door behind her. She set her salad down on the desk and turned back towards the couch near the door. She flopped down against the soft cushions and closed her eyes, letting her head fall back against the backrest.
______________________
Callie sat in the cafeteria, fork in her hand, while she savored the sweet taste of cantaloupe in her mouth. She eyed her cell phone through narrowed eyes as it lied on the table a few inches to the right of her tray. She chewed slowly, glaring at the phone as it mocked her, dared her to pick it up and dial.
She dropped the fork in her plate and snatched the phone up, flipping it open before scrolling down to the Oceanside Wellness Clinic slot. She selected the number and pressed the receiver to her ear as she nervously drummed her fingers on the metal top of the table.
“Oceanside Wellness Clinic.” A young male voice answered on the other end and she hung up quickly, setting the small phone down and pushing it away.
She sighed, annoyed with herself and shook her head. She jumped a little when a tray was loudly dropped beside hers, She looked up and smiled to cover up her uneasiness, “Oh. Hey.”
“Hey.” Cristina greeted her back, taking a seat beside her after kissing her cheek, “You okay? You’re a little jumpy.”
“Fine.”
Cristina nodded, content with her answer, then groaned as she lifted the lid on her pudding, “Izzie wants to do secret Santa again. We finally tricked her into forgetting about it. But now I have to go buy presents for everyone.”
“Oh. I can do it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’ve got the day off tomorrow anyway. I can get some stuff. Just write me a list.”
“Oh, whatever you think is good. Thanks.”
“Sure.”
“Oh. Meredith’s pre-Christmas dinner thing is tonight. At Derek’s. Stupid trailer. Who lives in a trailer by choice?”
“I think it’s charming.”
“Like a used snot rag.”
“Ugh--” Callie groaned and dropped her fork again, “--gross.” She chuckled, “You’re disgusting.”
Cristina smiled back as she dug into her sandwich and watched Callie carefully as she stared off, “Hey, you haven’t unpacked what you--packed the other night.”
“Hm?” Callie turned, having been startled out of her trance, “Oh. Yeah. I haven’t really had time. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Later that night, the two of them sat outside Derek’s trailer with he and Meredith, talking over beer and wine after dinner.
Callie huddled closer against Cristina, linking their arms together, as they listened to Meredith talk.
“It’s not that I *hate* Christmas. I just think it’s a little overrated.”
“Well, I’m Jewish--” Cristina cut in, “--so I was born to hate it. Although, maybe it’s all the stupid Christmas carols that make me hate it. Once you hear N’SYNC sing The Little Drummer Boy--it’s over, man.”
Callie chuckled slightly and scrunched her nose in a smile when Cristina turned to smirk at her.
“I think there’s a handful of good Christmas songs.” Derek added, “And only a handful of people who can sing them. There’s this version of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas--I don’t’ care what anybody thinks, but it’s the best version I’ve ever heard. It’s by--one of the Rat packers--Dean martin, I think?”
“Frank Sinatra.” Callie corrected.
“YES.” Derek nodded, “Old Blue eyes. That is the best version of that song I have ever heard. I used to think HE was overrated up until a few years ago. I’m a Clash man myself, but he’s the crooner of all crooners.”
Callie smiled politely and averted her eyes as Cristina said something about hating “the whole crooner, Vegas lounge act” and Meredith agreed. Her mouth fell a little dry and her throat felt a little hoarse, so she cleared it and shifted in her seat, before leaning into Cristina, “I’m going to get some more wine. You want anything?” Cristina shook her head no as Callie stood and quickly walked into the trailer, unaware of Derek’s weary eyes on her.
“You want some wine?” Derek asked Meredith, and she nodded before he took her glass and Callie’s forgotten one without anyone noticing.
Callie braced herself over the edge of the small sink, her yes shut tightly as she tried to control her breathing, when the door creaked open behind her, then shut closed. She quickly pushed her weight off the sink and grabbed the wine bottle from the small counter, When she turned around, fake smile ready, she was met with Derek, who was holding two wineglasses and an empty beer bottle.
“You forgot your glass.” he said quietly.
“Oh.” She chuckle slightly, taking her glass, “Oops.”
He gently took the wine bottle from her hand and poured some of it into her glass, “You okay?”
“Fine. Why?”
He watched her for several seconds, then filled Meredith’s glass, “That version of that song? Addison first played it for me when we were dating. She can‘t stand it when people say they don‘t like Frank Sinatra.”
Callie watched him over the rim of her glass as he grabbed a beer from the fridge, “Did she?”
“Yep. She’s a snotty New York, bratty rich girl, but she loves her old standards.”
She nodded and looked around--anywhere other than in his direction.
“It IS possible to love two people, you know.” He said, setting the bottle down, “--but you always love one of them a little more.”
“I don’t’ know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do. And I know that you know what you need to do. You don’t want to hurt Cristina, but it’s going to hurt a lot more when it eventually falls apart. You’re hurting as well. You get pale and you excuse yourself to catch your breath very time Addison’s mentioned--and if I know Addison, and I do, she’s falling apart. Slowly. And quietly. But she is. You and Cristina--”
“Cristina and I are fine.” She said sternly, “If I didn’t want to be with her, I would have--” She trailed off and they both turned towards the sound of laughter outside.
“I’m sure you ARE fine.” He said, “I’m just saying, sometimes we think we know what we want because it’s right. Until it’s NOT. I’m just saying…its’ never too late.”
“Well, thanks, Derek. But really, I’m--”
“Fine? I hope so.”
She met his eyes and for a moment, she hated him. Hated him for the audacity and the intrusion--and the possibility that he might be right.
He held the door open for her as she walked back out with him not far behind.
_______________________
Cristina knocked on the bathroom door, she could hear the shower running inside, “Hey, water monster!” She called, “I made leftovers! Hurry up.”
“I’m coming!” Callie called from inside.
“Okay. Chop-chop.” She stopped to listen at the door for a second, then frowned and walked back into the living room.
Inside, Callie sat in the bathtub, hugging her knees to her chest as the water washed over her, silent tears streaming down her face, invisible in the water. She breathed heavily as she muffled her sobs with her hand and her body shook for another ten minutes.
_________________________
Confronting situations was not one of Cristina’s fortes. In fact, her best tuned quality was the ability to avoid a serious confrontation for as long as possible until it either inevitably exploded or it finally consumed her completely.
The fact that her girlfriend was just a little quieter now--not so quiet or anti-social that others might notice. But enough for Cristina to notice--made her a little uneasy. The fact that she wouldn’t look her in the eye when she talked to her especially unnerved her. And the fact that when she made love to her, she was somewhat absent--that made her feel a little guilty.
But it was in her MO. She avoided things. Pushed them to the bottom of her to-do list because she wasn’t too good around matters of the “heart” or whatever. She was so bad at it in fact, that she couldn’t’ even tell when her own was breaking--if there was such a thing.
She hadn’t seen Callie much in the mornings lately. They’d have coffee. Silent coffee. Sometimes Callie would make them breakfast. Pancakes and coffee with fruit for nutritional value. But Cristina noticed that Callie would only insist she’d eat more fruit once in a while instead of the fifteen “you need to be healthier. You’re a Doctor” she’d get everyday.
This particular day, they’d had coffee. And that was it. No playful fights an arguments took place or anything, and when Callie kissed her goodbye that morning in the lobby, Cristina could have sworn she saw her eyes well up.
That was ignored as well. Only not so much anymore because it was beginning to weigh down on her likea freaking rock.
“--I might just get him a--” Meredith stopped and glared at the boredom in Cristina’s eyes, “Okay. I’ll shut up. What are you getting Callie?”
“I don’t know. She’s all weird lately--I don’t’ know.”
Meredith stared back for a second, “You don’t’ think it’s because--” She shut up when Cristina’s eyes darted up at her and told her everything with that look, “Oh.”
“Whatever.”
“Hey--” Izzie said rather enthusiastically as she flopped down in a seat across the two women, “--what’s wrong with your woman?” She asked Cristina, “--I saw her come out of a supply closet and her eyes were all puffy and red. Is the thrill gone already?”
“Shut up, Izzie.” Cristina snapped and stood up abruptly.
“What’d I do?” Izzie asked Meredith.
“Just--shut up, Izzie.”
_________________
Callie blew her nose and tossed the napkin in the trash. She was about to reach for the door when Cristina walked into the lounge.
“Hey.” Callie said, surprised, “What’s up?’
“We need to break up.”
Callie chuckled nervously, “Right.”
“You don’t’ want me, Callie.”
“Stop it.” She said reaching for the doorknob.
“Listen to me--” Cristina snapped, stepping in front of the door, “--we NEED to break up. And we need to break up NOW.”
“You’re dumping me on Christmas?”
“I’m Jewish. And you’re in love with someone else.” Callie simply stared back and Cristina tried to ignore the way her eyes pleaded with her and her nose red from crying, “I guess it’s karma or whatever. I made fun of Addison when Derek dumped her for Meredith so now I’m getting dumped for her.”
“You’re not getting dumped. I’m not dumping you.”
“Then I’m dumping YOU, Callie! It has to end!”
“Why are you doing this? After everything we’ve been through recently--you want to just throw it away?”
“NO. Callie, I’m willing to let you go. Right now. I’ve accepted it. You don’t’ love me.”
“I do!”
“Like you love Addison?”
Silence.
“That’s what I thought. Look at you. You were crying--you’ve BEEN crying. Don’t think I haven’t’ noticed. I don’t--I don’t feel you anymore, Callie. And it’s hurting both of us. I’m not having that. I’m not a masochist.”
“You’re insane.”
“Am I? Callie, look me in the eye and tell me you want this. THIS. US. Forever. Tell me you want this.”
“I’m with you, aren’t I?”
“SAY IT.” Cristina nodded as Callie avoided her eyes and finally took a deep breath. “It’s over. Okay? We’re done.” She finished coldly and left the room.
Callie stood there for a while, processing the conversation. She didn’t’ see Cristina around the hospital the rest of the day.
_______________
Cristina was starting on her third beer, her feet propped up on the coffee table as she slouched in her seat. She took a swig of her beer, when the door opened.
She watched, weary, as Callie walked in, smiling at her as if nothing had happened earlier in the day.
“Hi.”
“Uh--hi.”
“Man, it is COLD out there.” Callie said as she set a couple of shopping bags down on the kitchen counter, “So, I found Meredith some scarves and a nice jacket at Neiman Marcus. AND I got some oven mitts for Izzie. I know, oven mitts. WOW. But they were seventy-five bucks. Not cheap. And they’re pink, so--”
“Callie…”
“--I haven’t found anything for your mom. I know you said no presents for the mother, but, we can’t just not get her anything, right?”
“Callie, what are you doing here?” Cristina asked as she approached the table.
“I was thinking we’d go to get her some jewelry or something.”
“CALLIE.”
“Look--” Callie said, leaving the bags alone, “--you can’t…you can’t just end it here. Okay? After everything--Cristina…”
“Callie, listen to me.” Cristina said, reaching for Callie’s hand, “I love you. And I know that you love me. But you are disgustingly in love with the redhead. I can’t compete with that. I would love to do this with you. For the rest of my life. But as much as I try--I can‘t give you what you want. You want the two and a half kids and the dog and the house. And I don‘t.”
“I have never asked you--”
“I know you haven’t. And I know you would never ask me to change for you. But you deserve to have what you want because you’re kind of awesome. And I would never ask YOU to settle for less when you can have the whole thing with someone else.”
Callie stared back, her eyes glossy with tears, “I just wanted it to work.”
“I know. Me too. Trust me.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Her voice cracked.
She could have told her it was okay. That she’d get over it, but she wasn’t sure of that herself, so Cristina did the first thing she could think of and pulled Callie into a tight hug. She heard her sniffle and try as she might, Cristina couldn’t swallow her tears away and a couple of them rolled down her cheek.
Callie kissed Cristina’s shoulder, then her neck as they pulled apart.
Cristina’s eyes closed automatically when Callie kissed her cheek, then her lips, “We’re still sort of friends, though, right?” She asked.
“Yes.” Callie giggled.
“Good. Then, let me warn you that if you tell anyone this break up involved tears, consider your ass kicked.”
“Got it.”
“Can I keep the oven mitts?”
“You don’t cook.” Callie replied with a laugh.
“Seventy-five dollar mitts? I’ll eat my cereal in seventy-five dollar oven mitts.” Callie laughed again and Cristina touched her shoulder, “You going to call her--get her? Tiger?”
“Um--I don’t’ know.”
“You should. I would want to know as soon as possible that you wanted me after all.”
Callie looked up and smiled warmly.
_________________________
Addison snuck into the office in the morning, hurrying past the reception desk so she wouldn’t run into her guardians, “Morning, Dell.”
“Hey, Addison--oh, wait!” He called after her, but she ran straight into her office, where she breathed a sigh of relief, back against the door.
“You hiding from someone?”
She jumped at the familiar voice, her stomach instantly turned into knots and she thought she was going to throw up, “Callie, what are you doing here?”
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