The Day After The One Before
Title: The Day After The One Before
Author: summitsw
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The girls discuss the events of 6.23 and 6.24 and what lead up to their split.
Disclaimer: All television shows, books, movies, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work and the characters, events, and settings thereof are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
As Callie drifted awake she was aware of two things, one, it was barely light out, and two, she wasn't alone. The second was by far the most important as she'd been waking to a cold empty bed for the past two weeks. She glanced down and smiled as she took in the mess of gold hair falling across her chest. Arizona was asleep where she should always be, draped over Callie like she was trying to find a way to sleep inside Callie's skin. After two weeks of sleeping without her the feeling was almost overwhelming. Especially given the events of the previous day and how close they'd come to never having the opportunity for this again.
Callie closed her eyes trying to push back the images of the gunman at the door and a frightened Arizona shielding a crying child. The irony didn't escape her that she'd been cursing God when the lock down first happened, about being forced into close proximity with Arizona just when she'd decided that anger and avoidance were the keys to surviving this break up. When Gary Clark showed up at the door though, the only thing she'd been able to think about was Arizona and making sure she and Ruby were safe. She'd thanked God every minute since then that poor little Ruby's appendix had ruptured, and they'd been forced to stay in a room together, so that when Arizona needed her she'd been where she should be, with her. She shuddered to think what might have happened if Arizona had been alone with Ruby and how she'd have felt if one of the last things she'd said to Arizona was that she hated her guts.
She winced as she thought back to the way they'd fought, and how she'd taken the opportunity to vent and given it to Arizona with both barrels, calling her on not being willing to change to be with Callie. She hadn't been expecting Arizona's response though and she'd been honestly hurt by Arizona's admission that she didn't trust Callie's love for her. Callie didn't understand how Arizona couldn't see that she WAS different from everyone else. That how Callie felt about her was so huge and all encompassing that it couldn't even realistically be compared to anything or anyone she'd ever known before. Had she really done that bad a job at telling and showing Arizona how she felt?
She felt Arizona stir and snuggle closer. Pressing a kiss to the top of Arizona's head, she murmured "Hey there".
Arizona lifted her head sleepily. "I thought I was dreaming this, and I didn't want to wake up and find out it wasn't real, again." She replied, thinking back over the lonely mornings of the past few weeks and how she'd taken to sleeping on the couch in the vain hope that it would help her not miss waking up with Callie so much. No such luck though.
"Oh it's real alright, and I gotta tell you Ari, you better get used to it, because you are NOT sleeping anywhere but with me, ever again."
Arizona smiled, and pressed a kiss to Callie's neck. "That sounds awesome to me, I think I can live with it." She raised her head looking for the clock, they'd been so tired when they finally made it home that they'd simply fallen into bed to hold each other as they fell asleep. She had no idea how long they'd been out though. "I can't believe it's only 5, I feel like I've been asleep for days."
"It's certainly the best night’s sleep I've had in a few weeks, that's for sure." Callie replied as she glanced around trying to work out where she'd dumped her phone. "I'm just going to check in and see how everyone's doing, do you want me to whip up some breakfast?"
"I'm not really hungry right now, what I'd really like is to just hold you for a while."
Callie smiled and pressed a soft kiss to Arizona's lips. "I'll be right back, hold that thought."
Arizona rose when Callie did and made her way into the en-suite. Now that she was awake she wanted to use the bathroom and brush her teeth before settling back into the bed with Callie. The need to just hold her and try to patch some of the holes she could feel appearing in her soul was a craving she couldn't ignore. She hadn't lied to Callie, when she'd first started to wake she'd thought it was a dream, she'd dreamt of little else but Callie in the weeks since their breakup and she'd inevitably wake to find herself alone. Waking this morning had been infinitely better than that and she smiled as she moved over to the sink to wash her hands. She thought back to all of the events of the past 24 hours and it just seemed unbelievable. She still couldn't really fathom what had happened, how could she possibly have been facing a man with a gun yesterday and be standing in Callie's bathroom brushing her teeth today?
Callie acting so coldly towards her had hurt, she'd known it would be difficult to see each other at work and to try to make the transition to 'being friends' but she hadn't expected Callie's reaction at all. So the lock down and Callie's subsequent claim that she couldn't stand to be locked on the same floor as her had wounded. Never able to just let things go, she'd figured if they were stuck together she might as well find out what was going on and although she hadn't been surprised by Callie's anger at her for not being willing to change and consider having kids with her, she hadn't been able to hold her tongue when Callie had said that she didn't know squat about who Arizona was and that she didn't like what she'd now surmised. So she'd hit back, finally giving voice to what she could now admit was the real issue that had been driving her all this time, that she didn't feel like Callie was 'in' the relationship the same way that she was. That she worried that Callie would once again move on, leaving Arizona alone. Of-course she'd ended up alone anyway, so it was kind of self defeating. She just hadn’t been able to really bring herself to believe that Callie loved her as completely as Arizona loved Callie.
She made her way back into the bedroom and straightened the bed before climbing back in. She could hear Callie moving around outside so she settled down to wait. It didn't take long, Callie came through the door what seemed like seconds later.
"I spoke to Mark and he said all three guys are stable and holding their own, we'll be able to see them later today. Graciella is still at Seattle Pres and she's monitoring the kids who were sent over, they're all fine."
Arizona blew out a relieved breath and nodded. "That's such a relief"
"I know I felt better hearing it, that’s for sure. I'm just going to duck into the bathroom, be back in a sec."
As Arizona waited for Callie she contemplated their relationship. She'd been intrigued about Callie from the moment she heard the nurses discussing her breakup with Erica Hahn and had kept an eye out trying to work out which of the residents was Dr Torres. Upon actually sighting Callie though... well that'd been enough to move from intrigued to infatuated. Callie was.... wow. So Arizona had decided that she'd take the first opportunity to meet the yummy Dr Torres, but she hadn't really expected that it would take place in the bathroom of Joe's with Callie being so obviously upset. She hadn't been able to stop herself from checking on her though and since it led to her declaring her interest and her first kiss with Callie, well... you couldn't really argue with those results.
Discovering that Erica had been Callie's first though, that'd been a blow, she wasn't at a place in her life where she really felt the need to wade through all the drama of a 'newborn' just discovering the delights of women so she'd backed away. Thank god she hadn't been able to stay away though, there was just something about Callie that was irresistible and kept Arizona coming back for more. That was part of the problem though, once they'd started dating she felt like she'd chased Callie the whole way, that she was far more invested than Callie. So when Callie came to her with a phone number written on her hand, it seemed to prove once and for all that she could be replaced and that had ultimately lead to the declaration that she needed some proof that Callie was in love with 'her'.
Well, she'd gotten her wish, although God only knew she'd never have asked for it if she'd realised the way it would present itself. She'd honestly thought the lockdown wasn't that serious, and frankly she was more than a little irritated by the inconvenience it caused. She'd certainly never in a million years imagined a man wandering around the hospital shooting people and it was still too painful to think about those they'd lost, and the close calls to Alex, Derek and Owen. The feeling though, when she'd seen Callie's face change and had looked over her shoulder to see Gary Clark holding a gun, that split second when she'd realised the danger was real, had just chilled her. To have it happen on HER Peds floor, where HER children were? Just.... no. So of-course her first instinct was to protect Ruby, that was her job, to keep Ruby safe and send her home to her parents for big bowls of ice-cream. But she'd been scared, so scared, that he'd hurt them anyway, and all she could do was hold Ruby and pray that he'd leave. She'd been aware of Callie getting up, had felt her move between them and the gunman, and her terror had intensified. Surely the world wasn't so cruel that she could lose someone else she loved to a man with a gun. But Callie.... she'd used that big heart of hers to their advantage and offered Mr Clark bandages for his wound, then told him to go. She'd put her life on the line to protect Arizona and Ruby, and then she'd come back to them and calmed Ruby down with her beautiful story about super magic smiles and Arizona had known, once and for all, that Callie did love 'her'. When Callie had touched her cheek it was all Arizona could do to hold in the 'I love you' she so wanted to say and focus on Ruby while Callie got them some help.
Arizona's musings were interrupted by Callie climbing back into the bed. She waited until Callie got herself settled and then moved over to curl into her, kissing her cheek as she did so. "You know, I was thinking while I was in the bathroom, that this time yesterday I would not have expected to wake up with you this morning. I wished for it, but I'd never have thought it would happen. Then again, a lot of things happened yesterday that I never thought would happen." she concluded with a shudder.
Callie's arms tightened around her. "I know what you mean, it was... God.. I'm not even sure I can put it into words. You know, I was thinking before you woke up, that all I could think when they announced the lock down was how mad I was at having to spend that time with you, and then later, all I could think was thank God I was there with you when that happened. I don't know what I'd have done if I'd been locked down somewhere else knowing there was a shooter in the hospital and not able to get to you or know you were ok. Or worse, still in the Peds section but not with you in the room when he showed up after I'd just finished telling you I was going to spend my time hating your guts." Tears formed in Callie's eyes and her voice broke as she continued "I'm so sorry I said that Ari, I would never have been able to forgive myself if something had happened to you and that was one of the last things that was said between us".
Arizona sniffled and cleared her throat "I feel the same way sweetie, I'd just told you that I didn't trust you or believe that you loved me and then..." she broke down and sobbed.
"Shh... it's ok baby, I'm right here" Callie hugged her closer and held her until she calmed down, then drew Arizona's face up to meet hers and tried to wipe away the tears, kissing her softly. "I do love you Ari, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't."
"I... that's not really it Cal, I know you love me, I just wasn't sure how much you loved me. What I feel for you is so... much and I... I just didn't think you could possibly love me like that."
"Why though? That's the part I don't get Ari... how could you not know how much you mean to me? I love you SO much, I've never ever felt anything like what I feel for you and the thought that you didn't know that, that you doubted that for even a second, that hurts. You saying that you didn't believe you were any different than George or Erica or Mark, that hurts. You saying you don’t trust me? That really hurt." Callie sighed and leaned back. “I know there must be a reason, but I don’t know what it is. It’s like you’ve been keeping these pockets of yourself hidden, and.... if we’re going to really do this, really be together, then I think we need to get it all out in the open. We can’t have any more secrets Ari. Every time we’ve kept one, every time we haven’t discussed something big, like your brother or me wanting kids, it’s come back to bite us. And I don’t want to get bitten again.”
Arizona sighed and pulled away a little to sit back against the pillows, but unable to bare not being in contact with Callie she took her hand and ran her fingers over her palm. She'd known they needed to talk about this but hadn't expected it to happen quite this soon.
"I know, and I'm sorry. But... God, it's just so hard Callie. The trust thing, because I admit to feeling... unsure sometimes, that you were in this 100% with me. And I guess I was just kinda... waiting for the other shoe to drop, because everything was good and fun and sexy but then you'd talk about moving to Portland, or helping Mark raise a child, a child Callie, without even discussing it with me. And then when we did actually talk about having kids, and we couldn’t agree on what we wanted, you came home with another woman’s number written on your hand. I mean really, what was I supposed to take from that? How did you think that would make me feel? You were essentially saying that you were willing to settle for a woman, any woman who might want to have kids with you, than be with me.”
Callie broke in horrified “God Ari, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean... that is so not what I was trying to say. I was just..."
“Shhh..” Arizona placed her fingers on Callie’s lips. “I know that now, I’m just trying to show you how I was feeling. To be honest? Where we work doesn’t help anything either.”
Callie was puzzled. “Ok, did we just start another conversation? Because I feel like the train left the station without me.”
Arizona laughed, “I’m sorry, but it makes sense in my head. I mean, Mark, even Alex, they both work right where we are. George did too, for that matter. Erica's gone, but she's still this great big specter that hovers over everything. So in the environment where we work, where we spend the majority of our time? They're always there. And Mark? He's physically ALWAYS everywhere. You live across the hall from him!"
"Mark? You're telling me you're jealous of Mark?"
"Yes! I mean, I not proud of it, but I have a jealous streak a mile wide. The day after your presentation, when I realised you'd slept with Alex? I threatened to hit him with a brick. And I like Alex, I'm grooming him for Peds for crying out loud. But Mark? He's your best friend, and you love him, and you used to have hot, sweaty on-call room sex with him... and I just can't.... dammit" she broke off, frustrated. She took a breath trying to find the words to articulate what she was feeling.
Callie started to speak but Arizona put her hand up. "Don't... please. You’re right, we do need to talk about this, so I need to get this out and I won't be able to if you interrupt." Callie nodded her understanding and sat back a little. “Lexie told me about talking to you about you going in to see Mark while he was in the shower and that hurt. Even though I knew there wasn't anything to it and Lexie was right there, just picturing that, hurt. Then he broke up with Lexie and you let him sleep with us, in what I think of as OUR bed. He was right there. And I actually told you it wasn't working for me, and you still let him stay. You told Mark that you wanted to have kids before you told me. That's why when you told me we had to talk I assumed it had to do with Mark, he was all "you need to tell her" at lunch, and I knew whatever it was you needed to tell me, that he already knew. You even offered to raise a child with him! You know when we were talking about Cristina and Peds and you said 'girlfriend trumps roommate?' Well, I can honestly say there have been times when I wasn't sure 'girlfriend trumps best friend'. So yes, I'm jealous of Mark."
Callie shifted around on the bed so that she was facing Arizona and took both of her hands. “Ok, I get that, I totally do, and I am so, so sorry that I never realised this bothered you. I wish you’d said something sooner, but I can sorta see why you maybe thought you couldn’t. So, we need to clear this up. Yes I love Mark, and he is my best friend, but I was never, ever in love with him and I never thought I was. I thought I was in love with George, but honestly I know now that I just wanted to be in love with him, but I wasn’t, not really and I had to give up too many parts of myself to even be with him. Even then, even after Izzy, even after I forgave him, I wasn’t enough for him and I never would have been. Then Erica...”
Arizona broke in “Cal, you don’t have to do this, honestly.”
“No, Ari I do, because this is a big part of what happened with us, and I didn’t even know it was a big part! Erica... I didn’t even see that coming. Seriously Addy had to point it out to me, and I freaked out and didn’t want to face it. Even when I could admit to myself that I was attracted to her, and we started to date.... God, it wasn’t anything like us Ari. I was so scared to really let go, that I just couldn’t, trust myself I guess. But she was my best friend, and I honestly missed that part of our relationship more than the rest when she left. The coffee cart girl though? I'm sorry... I've got nothing.”
Arizona smiled "Cute."
Callie moved her hands up to cup Arizona’s face, and leaned in. “I’m going to tell you something Arizona, and I need you to hear it, I need you to know it. I love you, I am in love with you. I will never, ever love anyone the way that I love you. You’re it Ari, you are the one. You are my one.“
Arizona’s eyes filled and she drew a shaking breath. “I do know it, and I need you to know that I love you Calliope. So much, I can’t even begin to describe how it fills me up. Sometimes I hurt just looking at you. I think you’re miraculous and I meant it, when I said that I can’t live without you. I don’t want to live without you Calliope.” She leaned over and placed a tender kiss on Callie’s lips. Callie pulled her closer, continuing to kiss her until they had to break for air.
“I need to ask you something though Ari.” she said as she pulled back
“What baby?”
“I know yesterday that you said we’d have kids... but we’d just come out of a scary situation and I need to know if you meant it or if it was just a reaction to everything that happened. Because I meant what I said. I don’t need to have kids if it means I can’t be with you, so I won’t hold you to that, if it was some sort of... fear impulse thing”
“Yes Calliope, I did mean it. It’s true I never saw myself having kids, it’s not something I really needed for myself, and the work I do, it’s just hard to even think about taking on the responsibility of raising one of those tiny humans, only to have them get sick and... and you know the tiny coffins scare me, so I just never really let myself consider it. But in that room, with you and Ruby? I saw then that even when something terrible happens, you and I can get through it together. That I had it in me to protect her, and that you protected us both. And I know, I know that you’ll be an awesome mother Calliope, so even if I suck at it, you’ll be able to get us both through.”
“Arizona, please. You love kids so much, how could you possibly suck at it?” Callie said, smiling but teary. “Thank you. I want you to know, that I believe that you mean it, and I meant what I said when I first brought it up, I want kids one day, not today, but one day. We can wait til we’re both in a place where we think we can manage this and then, and only then will we start on the kids thing. But I do have a confession to make.”
“Yeah?”
“I think ten is way too many. Especially if you’re thinking I’m going to be having them, because that’s like a lot of pregnancies! We could maybe shoot for two, with an option for three?”
Arizona smiled “I can live with that.” and she leaned over to kiss Callie once more.
“You know, something else occurs to me Ari. We probably need a bit more space if we’re going to have kids, and I really, truly doubt that Cristina wants to share space with tiny humans. So maybe we should think about getting a place of our own. You know... someplace where Mark doesn’t live across the hall?”
That got her a super magic Arizona smile. “Yay!”
Author: summitsw
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The girls discuss the events of 6.23 and 6.24 and what lead up to their split.
Disclaimer: All television shows, books, movies, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work and the characters, events, and settings thereof are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
As Callie drifted awake she was aware of two things, one, it was barely light out, and two, she wasn't alone. The second was by far the most important as she'd been waking to a cold empty bed for the past two weeks. She glanced down and smiled as she took in the mess of gold hair falling across her chest. Arizona was asleep where she should always be, draped over Callie like she was trying to find a way to sleep inside Callie's skin. After two weeks of sleeping without her the feeling was almost overwhelming. Especially given the events of the previous day and how close they'd come to never having the opportunity for this again.
Callie closed her eyes trying to push back the images of the gunman at the door and a frightened Arizona shielding a crying child. The irony didn't escape her that she'd been cursing God when the lock down first happened, about being forced into close proximity with Arizona just when she'd decided that anger and avoidance were the keys to surviving this break up. When Gary Clark showed up at the door though, the only thing she'd been able to think about was Arizona and making sure she and Ruby were safe. She'd thanked God every minute since then that poor little Ruby's appendix had ruptured, and they'd been forced to stay in a room together, so that when Arizona needed her she'd been where she should be, with her. She shuddered to think what might have happened if Arizona had been alone with Ruby and how she'd have felt if one of the last things she'd said to Arizona was that she hated her guts.
She winced as she thought back to the way they'd fought, and how she'd taken the opportunity to vent and given it to Arizona with both barrels, calling her on not being willing to change to be with Callie. She hadn't been expecting Arizona's response though and she'd been honestly hurt by Arizona's admission that she didn't trust Callie's love for her. Callie didn't understand how Arizona couldn't see that she WAS different from everyone else. That how Callie felt about her was so huge and all encompassing that it couldn't even realistically be compared to anything or anyone she'd ever known before. Had she really done that bad a job at telling and showing Arizona how she felt?
She felt Arizona stir and snuggle closer. Pressing a kiss to the top of Arizona's head, she murmured "Hey there".
Arizona lifted her head sleepily. "I thought I was dreaming this, and I didn't want to wake up and find out it wasn't real, again." She replied, thinking back over the lonely mornings of the past few weeks and how she'd taken to sleeping on the couch in the vain hope that it would help her not miss waking up with Callie so much. No such luck though.
"Oh it's real alright, and I gotta tell you Ari, you better get used to it, because you are NOT sleeping anywhere but with me, ever again."
Arizona smiled, and pressed a kiss to Callie's neck. "That sounds awesome to me, I think I can live with it." She raised her head looking for the clock, they'd been so tired when they finally made it home that they'd simply fallen into bed to hold each other as they fell asleep. She had no idea how long they'd been out though. "I can't believe it's only 5, I feel like I've been asleep for days."
"It's certainly the best night’s sleep I've had in a few weeks, that's for sure." Callie replied as she glanced around trying to work out where she'd dumped her phone. "I'm just going to check in and see how everyone's doing, do you want me to whip up some breakfast?"
"I'm not really hungry right now, what I'd really like is to just hold you for a while."
Callie smiled and pressed a soft kiss to Arizona's lips. "I'll be right back, hold that thought."
Arizona rose when Callie did and made her way into the en-suite. Now that she was awake she wanted to use the bathroom and brush her teeth before settling back into the bed with Callie. The need to just hold her and try to patch some of the holes she could feel appearing in her soul was a craving she couldn't ignore. She hadn't lied to Callie, when she'd first started to wake she'd thought it was a dream, she'd dreamt of little else but Callie in the weeks since their breakup and she'd inevitably wake to find herself alone. Waking this morning had been infinitely better than that and she smiled as she moved over to the sink to wash her hands. She thought back to all of the events of the past 24 hours and it just seemed unbelievable. She still couldn't really fathom what had happened, how could she possibly have been facing a man with a gun yesterday and be standing in Callie's bathroom brushing her teeth today?
Callie acting so coldly towards her had hurt, she'd known it would be difficult to see each other at work and to try to make the transition to 'being friends' but she hadn't expected Callie's reaction at all. So the lock down and Callie's subsequent claim that she couldn't stand to be locked on the same floor as her had wounded. Never able to just let things go, she'd figured if they were stuck together she might as well find out what was going on and although she hadn't been surprised by Callie's anger at her for not being willing to change and consider having kids with her, she hadn't been able to hold her tongue when Callie had said that she didn't know squat about who Arizona was and that she didn't like what she'd now surmised. So she'd hit back, finally giving voice to what she could now admit was the real issue that had been driving her all this time, that she didn't feel like Callie was 'in' the relationship the same way that she was. That she worried that Callie would once again move on, leaving Arizona alone. Of-course she'd ended up alone anyway, so it was kind of self defeating. She just hadn’t been able to really bring herself to believe that Callie loved her as completely as Arizona loved Callie.
She made her way back into the bedroom and straightened the bed before climbing back in. She could hear Callie moving around outside so she settled down to wait. It didn't take long, Callie came through the door what seemed like seconds later.
"I spoke to Mark and he said all three guys are stable and holding their own, we'll be able to see them later today. Graciella is still at Seattle Pres and she's monitoring the kids who were sent over, they're all fine."
Arizona blew out a relieved breath and nodded. "That's such a relief"
"I know I felt better hearing it, that’s for sure. I'm just going to duck into the bathroom, be back in a sec."
As Arizona waited for Callie she contemplated their relationship. She'd been intrigued about Callie from the moment she heard the nurses discussing her breakup with Erica Hahn and had kept an eye out trying to work out which of the residents was Dr Torres. Upon actually sighting Callie though... well that'd been enough to move from intrigued to infatuated. Callie was.... wow. So Arizona had decided that she'd take the first opportunity to meet the yummy Dr Torres, but she hadn't really expected that it would take place in the bathroom of Joe's with Callie being so obviously upset. She hadn't been able to stop herself from checking on her though and since it led to her declaring her interest and her first kiss with Callie, well... you couldn't really argue with those results.
Discovering that Erica had been Callie's first though, that'd been a blow, she wasn't at a place in her life where she really felt the need to wade through all the drama of a 'newborn' just discovering the delights of women so she'd backed away. Thank god she hadn't been able to stay away though, there was just something about Callie that was irresistible and kept Arizona coming back for more. That was part of the problem though, once they'd started dating she felt like she'd chased Callie the whole way, that she was far more invested than Callie. So when Callie came to her with a phone number written on her hand, it seemed to prove once and for all that she could be replaced and that had ultimately lead to the declaration that she needed some proof that Callie was in love with 'her'.
Well, she'd gotten her wish, although God only knew she'd never have asked for it if she'd realised the way it would present itself. She'd honestly thought the lockdown wasn't that serious, and frankly she was more than a little irritated by the inconvenience it caused. She'd certainly never in a million years imagined a man wandering around the hospital shooting people and it was still too painful to think about those they'd lost, and the close calls to Alex, Derek and Owen. The feeling though, when she'd seen Callie's face change and had looked over her shoulder to see Gary Clark holding a gun, that split second when she'd realised the danger was real, had just chilled her. To have it happen on HER Peds floor, where HER children were? Just.... no. So of-course her first instinct was to protect Ruby, that was her job, to keep Ruby safe and send her home to her parents for big bowls of ice-cream. But she'd been scared, so scared, that he'd hurt them anyway, and all she could do was hold Ruby and pray that he'd leave. She'd been aware of Callie getting up, had felt her move between them and the gunman, and her terror had intensified. Surely the world wasn't so cruel that she could lose someone else she loved to a man with a gun. But Callie.... she'd used that big heart of hers to their advantage and offered Mr Clark bandages for his wound, then told him to go. She'd put her life on the line to protect Arizona and Ruby, and then she'd come back to them and calmed Ruby down with her beautiful story about super magic smiles and Arizona had known, once and for all, that Callie did love 'her'. When Callie had touched her cheek it was all Arizona could do to hold in the 'I love you' she so wanted to say and focus on Ruby while Callie got them some help.
Arizona's musings were interrupted by Callie climbing back into the bed. She waited until Callie got herself settled and then moved over to curl into her, kissing her cheek as she did so. "You know, I was thinking while I was in the bathroom, that this time yesterday I would not have expected to wake up with you this morning. I wished for it, but I'd never have thought it would happen. Then again, a lot of things happened yesterday that I never thought would happen." she concluded with a shudder.
Callie's arms tightened around her. "I know what you mean, it was... God.. I'm not even sure I can put it into words. You know, I was thinking before you woke up, that all I could think when they announced the lock down was how mad I was at having to spend that time with you, and then later, all I could think was thank God I was there with you when that happened. I don't know what I'd have done if I'd been locked down somewhere else knowing there was a shooter in the hospital and not able to get to you or know you were ok. Or worse, still in the Peds section but not with you in the room when he showed up after I'd just finished telling you I was going to spend my time hating your guts." Tears formed in Callie's eyes and her voice broke as she continued "I'm so sorry I said that Ari, I would never have been able to forgive myself if something had happened to you and that was one of the last things that was said between us".
Arizona sniffled and cleared her throat "I feel the same way sweetie, I'd just told you that I didn't trust you or believe that you loved me and then..." she broke down and sobbed.
"Shh... it's ok baby, I'm right here" Callie hugged her closer and held her until she calmed down, then drew Arizona's face up to meet hers and tried to wipe away the tears, kissing her softly. "I do love you Ari, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't."
"I... that's not really it Cal, I know you love me, I just wasn't sure how much you loved me. What I feel for you is so... much and I... I just didn't think you could possibly love me like that."
"Why though? That's the part I don't get Ari... how could you not know how much you mean to me? I love you SO much, I've never ever felt anything like what I feel for you and the thought that you didn't know that, that you doubted that for even a second, that hurts. You saying that you didn't believe you were any different than George or Erica or Mark, that hurts. You saying you don’t trust me? That really hurt." Callie sighed and leaned back. “I know there must be a reason, but I don’t know what it is. It’s like you’ve been keeping these pockets of yourself hidden, and.... if we’re going to really do this, really be together, then I think we need to get it all out in the open. We can’t have any more secrets Ari. Every time we’ve kept one, every time we haven’t discussed something big, like your brother or me wanting kids, it’s come back to bite us. And I don’t want to get bitten again.”
Arizona sighed and pulled away a little to sit back against the pillows, but unable to bare not being in contact with Callie she took her hand and ran her fingers over her palm. She'd known they needed to talk about this but hadn't expected it to happen quite this soon.
"I know, and I'm sorry. But... God, it's just so hard Callie. The trust thing, because I admit to feeling... unsure sometimes, that you were in this 100% with me. And I guess I was just kinda... waiting for the other shoe to drop, because everything was good and fun and sexy but then you'd talk about moving to Portland, or helping Mark raise a child, a child Callie, without even discussing it with me. And then when we did actually talk about having kids, and we couldn’t agree on what we wanted, you came home with another woman’s number written on your hand. I mean really, what was I supposed to take from that? How did you think that would make me feel? You were essentially saying that you were willing to settle for a woman, any woman who might want to have kids with you, than be with me.”
Callie broke in horrified “God Ari, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean... that is so not what I was trying to say. I was just..."
“Shhh..” Arizona placed her fingers on Callie’s lips. “I know that now, I’m just trying to show you how I was feeling. To be honest? Where we work doesn’t help anything either.”
Callie was puzzled. “Ok, did we just start another conversation? Because I feel like the train left the station without me.”
Arizona laughed, “I’m sorry, but it makes sense in my head. I mean, Mark, even Alex, they both work right where we are. George did too, for that matter. Erica's gone, but she's still this great big specter that hovers over everything. So in the environment where we work, where we spend the majority of our time? They're always there. And Mark? He's physically ALWAYS everywhere. You live across the hall from him!"
"Mark? You're telling me you're jealous of Mark?"
"Yes! I mean, I not proud of it, but I have a jealous streak a mile wide. The day after your presentation, when I realised you'd slept with Alex? I threatened to hit him with a brick. And I like Alex, I'm grooming him for Peds for crying out loud. But Mark? He's your best friend, and you love him, and you used to have hot, sweaty on-call room sex with him... and I just can't.... dammit" she broke off, frustrated. She took a breath trying to find the words to articulate what she was feeling.
Callie started to speak but Arizona put her hand up. "Don't... please. You’re right, we do need to talk about this, so I need to get this out and I won't be able to if you interrupt." Callie nodded her understanding and sat back a little. “Lexie told me about talking to you about you going in to see Mark while he was in the shower and that hurt. Even though I knew there wasn't anything to it and Lexie was right there, just picturing that, hurt. Then he broke up with Lexie and you let him sleep with us, in what I think of as OUR bed. He was right there. And I actually told you it wasn't working for me, and you still let him stay. You told Mark that you wanted to have kids before you told me. That's why when you told me we had to talk I assumed it had to do with Mark, he was all "you need to tell her" at lunch, and I knew whatever it was you needed to tell me, that he already knew. You even offered to raise a child with him! You know when we were talking about Cristina and Peds and you said 'girlfriend trumps roommate?' Well, I can honestly say there have been times when I wasn't sure 'girlfriend trumps best friend'. So yes, I'm jealous of Mark."
Callie shifted around on the bed so that she was facing Arizona and took both of her hands. “Ok, I get that, I totally do, and I am so, so sorry that I never realised this bothered you. I wish you’d said something sooner, but I can sorta see why you maybe thought you couldn’t. So, we need to clear this up. Yes I love Mark, and he is my best friend, but I was never, ever in love with him and I never thought I was. I thought I was in love with George, but honestly I know now that I just wanted to be in love with him, but I wasn’t, not really and I had to give up too many parts of myself to even be with him. Even then, even after Izzy, even after I forgave him, I wasn’t enough for him and I never would have been. Then Erica...”
Arizona broke in “Cal, you don’t have to do this, honestly.”
“No, Ari I do, because this is a big part of what happened with us, and I didn’t even know it was a big part! Erica... I didn’t even see that coming. Seriously Addy had to point it out to me, and I freaked out and didn’t want to face it. Even when I could admit to myself that I was attracted to her, and we started to date.... God, it wasn’t anything like us Ari. I was so scared to really let go, that I just couldn’t, trust myself I guess. But she was my best friend, and I honestly missed that part of our relationship more than the rest when she left. The coffee cart girl though? I'm sorry... I've got nothing.”
Arizona smiled "Cute."
Callie moved her hands up to cup Arizona’s face, and leaned in. “I’m going to tell you something Arizona, and I need you to hear it, I need you to know it. I love you, I am in love with you. I will never, ever love anyone the way that I love you. You’re it Ari, you are the one. You are my one.“
Arizona’s eyes filled and she drew a shaking breath. “I do know it, and I need you to know that I love you Calliope. So much, I can’t even begin to describe how it fills me up. Sometimes I hurt just looking at you. I think you’re miraculous and I meant it, when I said that I can’t live without you. I don’t want to live without you Calliope.” She leaned over and placed a tender kiss on Callie’s lips. Callie pulled her closer, continuing to kiss her until they had to break for air.
“I need to ask you something though Ari.” she said as she pulled back
“What baby?”
“I know yesterday that you said we’d have kids... but we’d just come out of a scary situation and I need to know if you meant it or if it was just a reaction to everything that happened. Because I meant what I said. I don’t need to have kids if it means I can’t be with you, so I won’t hold you to that, if it was some sort of... fear impulse thing”
“Yes Calliope, I did mean it. It’s true I never saw myself having kids, it’s not something I really needed for myself, and the work I do, it’s just hard to even think about taking on the responsibility of raising one of those tiny humans, only to have them get sick and... and you know the tiny coffins scare me, so I just never really let myself consider it. But in that room, with you and Ruby? I saw then that even when something terrible happens, you and I can get through it together. That I had it in me to protect her, and that you protected us both. And I know, I know that you’ll be an awesome mother Calliope, so even if I suck at it, you’ll be able to get us both through.”
“Arizona, please. You love kids so much, how could you possibly suck at it?” Callie said, smiling but teary. “Thank you. I want you to know, that I believe that you mean it, and I meant what I said when I first brought it up, I want kids one day, not today, but one day. We can wait til we’re both in a place where we think we can manage this and then, and only then will we start on the kids thing. But I do have a confession to make.”
“Yeah?”
“I think ten is way too many. Especially if you’re thinking I’m going to be having them, because that’s like a lot of pregnancies! We could maybe shoot for two, with an option for three?”
Arizona smiled “I can live with that.” and she leaned over to kiss Callie once more.
“You know, something else occurs to me Ari. We probably need a bit more space if we’re going to have kids, and I really, truly doubt that Cristina wants to share space with tiny humans. So maybe we should think about getting a place of our own. You know... someplace where Mark doesn’t live across the hall?”
That got her a super magic Arizona smile. “Yay!”