Bring on the rain
I've been trying to not speculate too much about next episode and what it'll (or won't) bring for our girls. But it wasn't working very well, overthinking seems to be in my stars map these days. So I went back to my word processor and try to find my own resolution when it comes to Arizona's thoughts and reactions.
I'm not totally happy with it but thought I'd share anyway.
Hope you'll enjoy the distraction.
Take care.
Title: Bring on the rain
Author: lysangelle
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG13
Summary: Post 6x19. Takes place right after the baby talk in ‘Suicide is painless’. Arizona’s thoughts and following actions.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Title: Bring on the rain
Author: lysangelle
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG13
Summary: Post 6x19. Takes place right after the baby talk in ‘Suicide is painless’. Arizona’s thoughts and following actions.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: As a big fan of Arizona I wanted to try and find ways to explain her reaction to the whole baby thing.
The title comes from a very special song to me and my love.
-------
Bring On The Rain
(Jo Dee Messina)
Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war ('cause)
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
---------
Heavy rain falls all around me, muting all the surrounding sounds. I can feel water running down the length of my blond hair and in the collar of my jacket but I can’t find it in me to do anything about it.
The rain actually helps me feel in the state of shock I’m finding myself in. Feel the cold, feel the wetness. Feel something, anything else than the numbness that assailed me with a few words from the love of my life.
“I have to have a baby.” Half a dozen words which felt like a punch in the face. Like a giant fist closing over my heart and taking away my breath. I instinctively pulled my hands away from Calliope’s hold, feeling the need to withdraw inside myself. And I heard myself gasp.
She took me by surprise. Thinking about it, I should have seen how anxious she was when she came home. I had been waiting at her place for a while when she rushed in. She didn’t even take her leather jacket off before sitting me down at the kitchen’s bar and telling me we needed to talk.
Even if she quickly dispelled my sudden fear that she was trying to break up with me, it took me a while to process her words. My mind was just too much of a mess.
Then it hit, with those last few words. This was it, this was the end of our honeymoon period. I guess we should feel lucky, it lasted longer than for most people. It was bound to happen.
But this way. The consequences of what just happened only start to appear to me, one by one. And the reality of how serious this situation could become hit me like a blow.
I know I hurt her when I shook my head, telling her that I just couldn’t talk about it, that I needed some space. She didn’t say a word as I picked my jacket and turned to her again. I think I managed to give her a reassuring smile but I can’t be sure, I was just too numb. The tears started falling as soon as the blue door closed behind me.
Now, as I’ve been walking aimlessly under the freezing rain for a good while, I can feel the matching physical numbness from the cold invading my body. My thoughts are a jumble and I know I need to process the whole thing before facing Callie again.
Leaning against a post, I tilt my head back and close my eyes. I allow the rain to run down my face, the cold soothing to my red and puffy eyes.
I feel it’s my own fault really. Compartmentalizing has its downsides. I spent so much time developing that coping mechanism of mine. That habit of putting painful things into boxes and burying them deep in my mind. Of turning my back to the tiny coffins and looking forward. To the next kid needing my help, even if it doesn’t make the tiny coffins disappear completely.
Denial becomes a way of life after a while.
I feel responsible though. Responsible about the lack of communication which brought us to this wall. Calliope wears her heart on her sleeve, it never been hard for me to read her. When I don’t have one of my totally oblivious fit at least.
But me?! I’m not sure if Callie made a conscious decision or if it’s just part of her temperament but she never pushed me into revealing my inner feelings.
I think the only time I really talked to her about something really personal was when George enlisted. I was so mad to see her run away and not give me a chance to explain myself, I just started to rant about my deeper feelings regarding our troops. And what happened to my brother. Still, at the time I felt like she twisted my arm at some level.
It’s been my choice to keep things light between us. I never strayed away from my typical self-protection mechanism. Even if, as a physician, I know that ignoring a wound and pretending it’s not there is the worse thing to do. Pushing the hurt deep inside and showing the happy perky façade always has been easier than trying to talk about those feelings. I realize now I shouldn’t have let that happen with the woman I know is the love of my life. Even if I wanted to stay in the sexy part of our relationship for as long as possible. It was a mistake and I might loose the most important part of my life because of it.
I take a deep shaky breath before saying to myself; the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with wants to have children. I can feel my stomach turns into a knot as my fears reappear with a vengeance.
She wants a baby. She wants to carry and give birth to a tiny human. A child that we would come to love so much it would feel like having a part of ourselves out there. Open to all kind of accidents, diseases, to this crazy world’s people foolishness.
There’s a reason the most important organ of the body is nestled between the lungs and protected by two rows of ribs and a sternum. You don’t allow your heart to live outside of you.
How do I face that when years of seeing kids die, and being unable to do anything to prevent it, left me scared to death.
Terrified of, one day, being on the other side of the fence, of seeing a kid of my own, a small version of my Calliope suffer… No I can’t do this! I can’t think about that. I don’t want kids!
I decided very early on, when I started specializing in paeds, that I didn’t want kids of my own. I was seeing soooo many sick kids. I realized pretty early I couldn’t survive what some of my patients’ parents are going through. I love those kids so much, and hurt so much for them and they’re not even related to me! I can’t stand the thought of a child, who would be the embodiment of Callie and my love, suffering any of what I see everyday.
I always saw myself more as the aunt, the one who spoils the kids and then send them home to their parents, overexcited, full of sugar and good memories of their favourite aunt.
My heart clenches as I realize that will never happen either now that Danny…
I swallow hard, biting back a sob. That’s another thing; I can’t even accept I’ll never have a chance to introduce the love of my life to him. Even that small thing has been stolen from me. Worse; the kids Callie wants would never meet the amazing uncle he would have been.
Loss. So much loss. Everyday, I’m facing it. The loss of the child I can’t save despite all my efforts. The loss of parents when their baby slips away from them. And for parents getting separated by the disease of their child; the loss of their love. I saw it happen so often, the weight of living with a kid’s disease and its consequences setting parents apart.
More tears threaten as my thoughts turn to my own parents. About how broken they ended up after my brother’s death. How my mother withdrew into herself. I snort humourlessly now as I realize who I inherit that particular trait from. The tears finally start to fall again as I think about how my father just distanced himself from me. Even when I came out, and against all odds, he supported me in his own abrupt soldier’s way. But after Danny’s funerals, he started avoiding me. Like if the sight of me reminded him too much of the son he lost. And that was a loss in itself for me.
Someone can only live so many losses before protective walls are erected. You start keeping people away because the less people you let in, the less people you take the chance of loosing. Except that in my case, it’s only a theory. I care for people. I can’t stay away. Even if there’s only a little number of people I really let in, I still make friends way too easily. Most of them never get close enough to see the part of darkness behind my naturally happy temperament though.
The losses in my own life, personal and professional, and my inability to keep people away left me with somewhat of an abandonment complex. People who leave abandon you. And there’s a lot of ways to be left and abandoned.
Despite that, one lucky day, I took a chance. I followed a gorgeous but sad woman in a bar’s bathroom and let my heart speak without a second thought.
And that’s the only thing I’m sure about in all this; I’m certain I don’t want to loose the best thing in my life. The only person who made me feel like I was never going to loose her. And now…
No, that’s the only truth in this, I CAN’T loose her. It would be like loosing myself.
I brush a hand over my wet face as rain comes down harder.
How did we end up talking kids anyway? We’ve been together a while but it’s way too soon to be talking about children. We’re not even living together officially. What brought this on at this time? Why did she just come up and announced she wants a baby?
I rest my head on the post, closing my eyes again with a sigh. So much I don’t understand. We were so happy lately. She was doing great with her cartilage project and things between us were just perfect. I mean just last week she was mentioning we were the stable couple…
“Oh shit!” I yell in shock as I remember that night in the lab. The Chinese food, the projects about the big house, the dogs and the chicken… And the kids…
How did I manage to not register that!? Fact is, I know how. I was so emotionally exhausted by my day with Noah’s overprotective parents. I try to think about what my lover’s reactions were at the time but I realize I can’t even remember most of the conversation. I know I tend to be blind of people’s cues sometimes, when I get lost in my own feelings. I hate that about myself. Especially when it happens with my girlfriend. I could slap myself right now!
I allowed myself to become totally oblivious to my lover’s feelings and deluded myself!
“I ran!” I say out loud again, making a hurried passer-by look at me with a worried glance.
She knew! I told her myself! She knew I didn’t want kids and she still came to me and confronted me about it, telling me what she wants.
She didn’t run away! She didn’t avoid me and hide like before!
Instead I was the one to run. She’s the best thing to ever happen to me and I ran away. I’m a fool.
I can’t let this come between us, I can’t loose her. We’re worth fighting for. So worth fighting for…
I turn around and walk back toward Calliope’s building as fast as I can on the wet sidewalk.
------
When I reach her door, I’m drenched, freezing and short of breath from the fast pace I used to come back to her, but I can’t wait any longer.
Deciding against using my key, I knock gently on the door. Listening carefully to the sounds inside, hoping Callie didn’t leave home again after our badly handled conversation. Badly handled on my part. After thinking more about how Calliope reacted on the way back, I can’t help be impressed by the change in my lover.
When the door open, I can’t find my voice or the words I need to fix things. All I can do is stare in the beautiful dark eyes of my girlfriend.
I stay speechless as Callie jumps in surprise.
“Arizona!” She exclaims pulling me in the apartment. “Where have you been? You’re soaked!”
Suddenly the cold I’ve been experiencing catch up with me and my teeth start to chatter. “Outside.” I manage to utter.
“Aaaww baby, what am I going to do with you?” My girlfriend asks with a small smile.
She pulls me to the couch, taking off my jacket on the way and dropping it on the floor. I allow her to take over and I’m just happy to let her fuss over me for the time being.
“Sit.” My girl orders and I just do as told. She kneels down before me and take off my wet boots and socks.
“You stay right here.” My Calliope states before running to the bedroom.
I just have the time to sneeze a couple of times and she’s back, dropping a thick towel on my head. I chuckle as she started rubbing my wet hair energetically.
“I’m so relieved you came back.” She whispers and I have to push the towel away from my face in order to look at her. Her dark eyes filled with tears breaking my heart.
“I couldn’t stay away. I never could stay away from you. I’m sorry, Calliope… I…” I start, still unable to find the appropriate words.
“Shush,” She interrupts me. “let’s get you warmed up first. Then we’ll talk, ok?”
I nod in relief and let her pull me to my feet and toward her bedroom.
How can she still be so sweet to me in these circumstances? Shouldn’t she be mad at me for the way I reacted? For now I decide to savour the pampering, allowing my troubled and tired mind to be soothed by her attentions.
Taking me to the adjacent bathroom, she finishes undressing me and starts the shower. Despite her tender care I’m not able to read her expression. I think I can see some fear in her eyes for a second but she turns me around and helps me in the tub and under the hot water.
“I’ll be in the bedroom.” I hear Callie say over the sound of the running water and I know she needs the time alone to clear her thoughts, just like I do.
I can’t help smiling at how attentive she’s been to me even after what happened.
She was so tender and loving. So… maternal. I drop my forehead to the tiled wall. My thoughts are a mess again.
It’s so obvious my girlfriend would make a great mother. And I need her too much, I’m too selfish to let her go. Giving her up would destroy me.
What can I do?!
I quickly dry myself and put on the clothes she left for me. I smile seeing she picked her old oversized Disneyworld shirt. She knows I love to wear it to bed.
Anxiously I make my way back to the bedroom to find my girlfriend laying in bed, looking beautiful despite the slight frown on her face. The frown is quickly replaced by a genuine smile, though, when she catches sight of me as I move toward the bed.
“Hey beautiful,” she murmurs before patting the bed next to her, “C’mere.”
Relieved, I quickly jump in bed and in her open arms, getting as close as I can.
Feeling her arms wrap tighter around me, I swallow back a small sob of both relief and sadness. Relief at being in her arms. Sadness at thinking I might loose this feeling if we can’t work this out.
“You didn’t run.” I marvel looking deep in her dark eyes.
“What?” she asks with a adorably dumb look on her face.
I can’t stop smiling as a wave of tenderness hit me, I still fell in love with her with every little thing, how can that be possible?
“When I think I couldn’t possibly love you more, you go and do something to prove me wrong.” I whisper, unable to hold back.
I can see her blush lightly but a look of relief flashes in her eyes.
“Because I didn’t run?” She asks lifting an eyebrow.
“Because you didn’t run. Because you grew up and fixed yourself. Because you found the strength to turn the page and become a different woman.” I answers honestly.
Her look of mixed proud and confusion makes me chuckles and I explain:
“Calliope, you did not run away. You knew this could be a problem between us but you didn’t fall in your previous avoidance habit. I can’t help being proud of you. Sue me.” I finish trying to alleviate the mood.
It didn’t work as her face darken.
“I did for a short while though.” My lover says, lowering her eyes. “It took me three stupid middle-aged men and quite some pushing from Mark to give me the strength to talk to you.”
Realization hits me then and I use my hand to lift her eyes to mine again.
“Is that what the two of you were plotting about during lunch?” I ask and I see her wince at the wording.
“Yeah, he wanted me to talk to you and I didn’t want to because things were so good for us. I was scared of your reaction.” she admits reluctantly. “I’m sorry about how silly we acted, I didn’t think for one minute that it would makes you think I was back with him. I must say it hurt me that you could think I would do that to you.”
It’s my turn to blush at what she surely perceives as my lack of trust in her, she keeps talking before I can utter a word.
“But I thought about it while you were out and I can see why you reached that conclusion. I’ve been spending too much time with him again huh?”
“He’s been needing his BFF more since Lexie left him and he’s trying to turn his life around.” I answer with a shrug and even to my own ears, it comes out as pouty.
Callie doesn’t seem to mind as a small smile appears on her face; “It’s not an excuse, Arizona. I should have been spending my time with you, not him. Maybe we would have communicated more.”
With those words, all the feelings of guilt at my own shortcomings come back and I burst in tears again.
“Hey, baby…. Stop... Shush, it’s ok.” My amazing lover whispers in my ear.
“No it’s not!” I sob, my face buried in her neck. “You’re taking the blame here… You can’t do that!... you’re so amazing and I love you so much… And I refuse to give you what you need!” I managed to utter between my sobs, anguish and anger at myself taking over.
“Hey, stop that.” Callie suddenly grabs my face between her hands and raises it until our eyes meet again, “It’s you I want, Arizona Robbins. I’m so scared of loosing you over this.”
I can see her swallow hard before she adds;
“I told you because I finally understood I can’t leave this issue hanging between us. I wanted you to know what my dreams are made of. Because it’s what people involved in a loving, adult relationship do, right?” She asks rhetorically.
Looking deep into her dark eyes, I nod silently. Knowing I didn’t follow that example myself, not by a long shot.
“I heard what you said before about having kids. And I can see you’re scared. But I was hoping we could talk about it. Maybe we can work out your fears? Do you think we could try that?” my lover asks with an anxious look on her face.
I have to take a deep breath and let it out shakily to settle my jumbled nerves before answering.
“Yes, we can try.” I finally whisper, a tremor still in my voice. “I love you, Calliope.”
She smiles now, that great big smile that makes my heart skip a beat.
“I love you too. Too much to loose you. We’ll work this out, Arizona.”
And I believe her. They say that sometimes love isn’t enough. But still, I believe her. Because now I see we’re both terrified of loosing the other and it makes us more open to compromising. As long as it means being together.
I'm not totally happy with it but thought I'd share anyway.
Hope you'll enjoy the distraction.
Take care.
Title: Bring on the rain
Author: lysangelle
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG13
Summary: Post 6x19. Takes place right after the baby talk in ‘Suicide is painless’. Arizona’s thoughts and following actions.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Title: Bring on the rain
Author: lysangelle
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: PG13
Summary: Post 6x19. Takes place right after the baby talk in ‘Suicide is painless’. Arizona’s thoughts and following actions.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
A/N: As a big fan of Arizona I wanted to try and find ways to explain her reaction to the whole baby thing.
The title comes from a very special song to me and my love.
-------
Bring On The Rain
(Jo Dee Messina)
Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war ('cause)
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing - but I'm not dead
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
---------
Heavy rain falls all around me, muting all the surrounding sounds. I can feel water running down the length of my blond hair and in the collar of my jacket but I can’t find it in me to do anything about it.
The rain actually helps me feel in the state of shock I’m finding myself in. Feel the cold, feel the wetness. Feel something, anything else than the numbness that assailed me with a few words from the love of my life.
“I have to have a baby.” Half a dozen words which felt like a punch in the face. Like a giant fist closing over my heart and taking away my breath. I instinctively pulled my hands away from Calliope’s hold, feeling the need to withdraw inside myself. And I heard myself gasp.
She took me by surprise. Thinking about it, I should have seen how anxious she was when she came home. I had been waiting at her place for a while when she rushed in. She didn’t even take her leather jacket off before sitting me down at the kitchen’s bar and telling me we needed to talk.
Even if she quickly dispelled my sudden fear that she was trying to break up with me, it took me a while to process her words. My mind was just too much of a mess.
Then it hit, with those last few words. This was it, this was the end of our honeymoon period. I guess we should feel lucky, it lasted longer than for most people. It was bound to happen.
But this way. The consequences of what just happened only start to appear to me, one by one. And the reality of how serious this situation could become hit me like a blow.
I know I hurt her when I shook my head, telling her that I just couldn’t talk about it, that I needed some space. She didn’t say a word as I picked my jacket and turned to her again. I think I managed to give her a reassuring smile but I can’t be sure, I was just too numb. The tears started falling as soon as the blue door closed behind me.
Now, as I’ve been walking aimlessly under the freezing rain for a good while, I can feel the matching physical numbness from the cold invading my body. My thoughts are a jumble and I know I need to process the whole thing before facing Callie again.
Leaning against a post, I tilt my head back and close my eyes. I allow the rain to run down my face, the cold soothing to my red and puffy eyes.
I feel it’s my own fault really. Compartmentalizing has its downsides. I spent so much time developing that coping mechanism of mine. That habit of putting painful things into boxes and burying them deep in my mind. Of turning my back to the tiny coffins and looking forward. To the next kid needing my help, even if it doesn’t make the tiny coffins disappear completely.
Denial becomes a way of life after a while.
I feel responsible though. Responsible about the lack of communication which brought us to this wall. Calliope wears her heart on her sleeve, it never been hard for me to read her. When I don’t have one of my totally oblivious fit at least.
But me?! I’m not sure if Callie made a conscious decision or if it’s just part of her temperament but she never pushed me into revealing my inner feelings.
I think the only time I really talked to her about something really personal was when George enlisted. I was so mad to see her run away and not give me a chance to explain myself, I just started to rant about my deeper feelings regarding our troops. And what happened to my brother. Still, at the time I felt like she twisted my arm at some level.
It’s been my choice to keep things light between us. I never strayed away from my typical self-protection mechanism. Even if, as a physician, I know that ignoring a wound and pretending it’s not there is the worse thing to do. Pushing the hurt deep inside and showing the happy perky façade always has been easier than trying to talk about those feelings. I realize now I shouldn’t have let that happen with the woman I know is the love of my life. Even if I wanted to stay in the sexy part of our relationship for as long as possible. It was a mistake and I might loose the most important part of my life because of it.
I take a deep shaky breath before saying to myself; the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with wants to have children. I can feel my stomach turns into a knot as my fears reappear with a vengeance.
She wants a baby. She wants to carry and give birth to a tiny human. A child that we would come to love so much it would feel like having a part of ourselves out there. Open to all kind of accidents, diseases, to this crazy world’s people foolishness.
There’s a reason the most important organ of the body is nestled between the lungs and protected by two rows of ribs and a sternum. You don’t allow your heart to live outside of you.
How do I face that when years of seeing kids die, and being unable to do anything to prevent it, left me scared to death.
Terrified of, one day, being on the other side of the fence, of seeing a kid of my own, a small version of my Calliope suffer… No I can’t do this! I can’t think about that. I don’t want kids!
I decided very early on, when I started specializing in paeds, that I didn’t want kids of my own. I was seeing soooo many sick kids. I realized pretty early I couldn’t survive what some of my patients’ parents are going through. I love those kids so much, and hurt so much for them and they’re not even related to me! I can’t stand the thought of a child, who would be the embodiment of Callie and my love, suffering any of what I see everyday.
I always saw myself more as the aunt, the one who spoils the kids and then send them home to their parents, overexcited, full of sugar and good memories of their favourite aunt.
My heart clenches as I realize that will never happen either now that Danny…
I swallow hard, biting back a sob. That’s another thing; I can’t even accept I’ll never have a chance to introduce the love of my life to him. Even that small thing has been stolen from me. Worse; the kids Callie wants would never meet the amazing uncle he would have been.
Loss. So much loss. Everyday, I’m facing it. The loss of the child I can’t save despite all my efforts. The loss of parents when their baby slips away from them. And for parents getting separated by the disease of their child; the loss of their love. I saw it happen so often, the weight of living with a kid’s disease and its consequences setting parents apart.
More tears threaten as my thoughts turn to my own parents. About how broken they ended up after my brother’s death. How my mother withdrew into herself. I snort humourlessly now as I realize who I inherit that particular trait from. The tears finally start to fall again as I think about how my father just distanced himself from me. Even when I came out, and against all odds, he supported me in his own abrupt soldier’s way. But after Danny’s funerals, he started avoiding me. Like if the sight of me reminded him too much of the son he lost. And that was a loss in itself for me.
Someone can only live so many losses before protective walls are erected. You start keeping people away because the less people you let in, the less people you take the chance of loosing. Except that in my case, it’s only a theory. I care for people. I can’t stay away. Even if there’s only a little number of people I really let in, I still make friends way too easily. Most of them never get close enough to see the part of darkness behind my naturally happy temperament though.
The losses in my own life, personal and professional, and my inability to keep people away left me with somewhat of an abandonment complex. People who leave abandon you. And there’s a lot of ways to be left and abandoned.
Despite that, one lucky day, I took a chance. I followed a gorgeous but sad woman in a bar’s bathroom and let my heart speak without a second thought.
And that’s the only thing I’m sure about in all this; I’m certain I don’t want to loose the best thing in my life. The only person who made me feel like I was never going to loose her. And now…
No, that’s the only truth in this, I CAN’T loose her. It would be like loosing myself.
I brush a hand over my wet face as rain comes down harder.
How did we end up talking kids anyway? We’ve been together a while but it’s way too soon to be talking about children. We’re not even living together officially. What brought this on at this time? Why did she just come up and announced she wants a baby?
I rest my head on the post, closing my eyes again with a sigh. So much I don’t understand. We were so happy lately. She was doing great with her cartilage project and things between us were just perfect. I mean just last week she was mentioning we were the stable couple…
“Oh shit!” I yell in shock as I remember that night in the lab. The Chinese food, the projects about the big house, the dogs and the chicken… And the kids…
How did I manage to not register that!? Fact is, I know how. I was so emotionally exhausted by my day with Noah’s overprotective parents. I try to think about what my lover’s reactions were at the time but I realize I can’t even remember most of the conversation. I know I tend to be blind of people’s cues sometimes, when I get lost in my own feelings. I hate that about myself. Especially when it happens with my girlfriend. I could slap myself right now!
I allowed myself to become totally oblivious to my lover’s feelings and deluded myself!
“I ran!” I say out loud again, making a hurried passer-by look at me with a worried glance.
She knew! I told her myself! She knew I didn’t want kids and she still came to me and confronted me about it, telling me what she wants.
She didn’t run away! She didn’t avoid me and hide like before!
Instead I was the one to run. She’s the best thing to ever happen to me and I ran away. I’m a fool.
I can’t let this come between us, I can’t loose her. We’re worth fighting for. So worth fighting for…
I turn around and walk back toward Calliope’s building as fast as I can on the wet sidewalk.
------
When I reach her door, I’m drenched, freezing and short of breath from the fast pace I used to come back to her, but I can’t wait any longer.
Deciding against using my key, I knock gently on the door. Listening carefully to the sounds inside, hoping Callie didn’t leave home again after our badly handled conversation. Badly handled on my part. After thinking more about how Calliope reacted on the way back, I can’t help be impressed by the change in my lover.
When the door open, I can’t find my voice or the words I need to fix things. All I can do is stare in the beautiful dark eyes of my girlfriend.
I stay speechless as Callie jumps in surprise.
“Arizona!” She exclaims pulling me in the apartment. “Where have you been? You’re soaked!”
Suddenly the cold I’ve been experiencing catch up with me and my teeth start to chatter. “Outside.” I manage to utter.
“Aaaww baby, what am I going to do with you?” My girlfriend asks with a small smile.
She pulls me to the couch, taking off my jacket on the way and dropping it on the floor. I allow her to take over and I’m just happy to let her fuss over me for the time being.
“Sit.” My girl orders and I just do as told. She kneels down before me and take off my wet boots and socks.
“You stay right here.” My Calliope states before running to the bedroom.
I just have the time to sneeze a couple of times and she’s back, dropping a thick towel on my head. I chuckle as she started rubbing my wet hair energetically.
“I’m so relieved you came back.” She whispers and I have to push the towel away from my face in order to look at her. Her dark eyes filled with tears breaking my heart.
“I couldn’t stay away. I never could stay away from you. I’m sorry, Calliope… I…” I start, still unable to find the appropriate words.
“Shush,” She interrupts me. “let’s get you warmed up first. Then we’ll talk, ok?”
I nod in relief and let her pull me to my feet and toward her bedroom.
How can she still be so sweet to me in these circumstances? Shouldn’t she be mad at me for the way I reacted? For now I decide to savour the pampering, allowing my troubled and tired mind to be soothed by her attentions.
Taking me to the adjacent bathroom, she finishes undressing me and starts the shower. Despite her tender care I’m not able to read her expression. I think I can see some fear in her eyes for a second but she turns me around and helps me in the tub and under the hot water.
“I’ll be in the bedroom.” I hear Callie say over the sound of the running water and I know she needs the time alone to clear her thoughts, just like I do.
I can’t help smiling at how attentive she’s been to me even after what happened.
She was so tender and loving. So… maternal. I drop my forehead to the tiled wall. My thoughts are a mess again.
It’s so obvious my girlfriend would make a great mother. And I need her too much, I’m too selfish to let her go. Giving her up would destroy me.
What can I do?!
I quickly dry myself and put on the clothes she left for me. I smile seeing she picked her old oversized Disneyworld shirt. She knows I love to wear it to bed.
Anxiously I make my way back to the bedroom to find my girlfriend laying in bed, looking beautiful despite the slight frown on her face. The frown is quickly replaced by a genuine smile, though, when she catches sight of me as I move toward the bed.
“Hey beautiful,” she murmurs before patting the bed next to her, “C’mere.”
Relieved, I quickly jump in bed and in her open arms, getting as close as I can.
Feeling her arms wrap tighter around me, I swallow back a small sob of both relief and sadness. Relief at being in her arms. Sadness at thinking I might loose this feeling if we can’t work this out.
“You didn’t run.” I marvel looking deep in her dark eyes.
“What?” she asks with a adorably dumb look on her face.
I can’t stop smiling as a wave of tenderness hit me, I still fell in love with her with every little thing, how can that be possible?
“When I think I couldn’t possibly love you more, you go and do something to prove me wrong.” I whisper, unable to hold back.
I can see her blush lightly but a look of relief flashes in her eyes.
“Because I didn’t run?” She asks lifting an eyebrow.
“Because you didn’t run. Because you grew up and fixed yourself. Because you found the strength to turn the page and become a different woman.” I answers honestly.
Her look of mixed proud and confusion makes me chuckles and I explain:
“Calliope, you did not run away. You knew this could be a problem between us but you didn’t fall in your previous avoidance habit. I can’t help being proud of you. Sue me.” I finish trying to alleviate the mood.
It didn’t work as her face darken.
“I did for a short while though.” My lover says, lowering her eyes. “It took me three stupid middle-aged men and quite some pushing from Mark to give me the strength to talk to you.”
Realization hits me then and I use my hand to lift her eyes to mine again.
“Is that what the two of you were plotting about during lunch?” I ask and I see her wince at the wording.
“Yeah, he wanted me to talk to you and I didn’t want to because things were so good for us. I was scared of your reaction.” she admits reluctantly. “I’m sorry about how silly we acted, I didn’t think for one minute that it would makes you think I was back with him. I must say it hurt me that you could think I would do that to you.”
It’s my turn to blush at what she surely perceives as my lack of trust in her, she keeps talking before I can utter a word.
“But I thought about it while you were out and I can see why you reached that conclusion. I’ve been spending too much time with him again huh?”
“He’s been needing his BFF more since Lexie left him and he’s trying to turn his life around.” I answer with a shrug and even to my own ears, it comes out as pouty.
Callie doesn’t seem to mind as a small smile appears on her face; “It’s not an excuse, Arizona. I should have been spending my time with you, not him. Maybe we would have communicated more.”
With those words, all the feelings of guilt at my own shortcomings come back and I burst in tears again.
“Hey, baby…. Stop... Shush, it’s ok.” My amazing lover whispers in my ear.
“No it’s not!” I sob, my face buried in her neck. “You’re taking the blame here… You can’t do that!... you’re so amazing and I love you so much… And I refuse to give you what you need!” I managed to utter between my sobs, anguish and anger at myself taking over.
“Hey, stop that.” Callie suddenly grabs my face between her hands and raises it until our eyes meet again, “It’s you I want, Arizona Robbins. I’m so scared of loosing you over this.”
I can see her swallow hard before she adds;
“I told you because I finally understood I can’t leave this issue hanging between us. I wanted you to know what my dreams are made of. Because it’s what people involved in a loving, adult relationship do, right?” She asks rhetorically.
Looking deep into her dark eyes, I nod silently. Knowing I didn’t follow that example myself, not by a long shot.
“I heard what you said before about having kids. And I can see you’re scared. But I was hoping we could talk about it. Maybe we can work out your fears? Do you think we could try that?” my lover asks with an anxious look on her face.
I have to take a deep breath and let it out shakily to settle my jumbled nerves before answering.
“Yes, we can try.” I finally whisper, a tremor still in my voice. “I love you, Calliope.”
She smiles now, that great big smile that makes my heart skip a beat.
“I love you too. Too much to loose you. We’ll work this out, Arizona.”
And I believe her. They say that sometimes love isn’t enough. But still, I believe her. Because now I see we’re both terrified of loosing the other and it makes us more open to compromising. As long as it means being together.