Fic: I'll follow you everywhere (1/?)
I'll follow you everywhere
Author: xredSunburstx
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: T
Genre: Drama/ Comfort/ Thriller/ Romance
Summary: Sequel to „I will follow you into the dark". Callie and Arizona are looking into their future, together, but the past is not forgotten… It's a never leaving shadow on the wall.
Authors Note:
Hey my lovely buddies! I'm back and it feels ab-solut-ely amazing! I thought about a sequel long before I was finished with "I will follow you into the dark", but I wasn't sure of doing it… Of course I'll not leave my general genre/stile and there are a few things in my life I need to sort out, I have to get through what means I won't be able to update as soon as I did before, even I'd love to, you know… But well, nothing could stop me really from writing this and I hope you'll enjoy it like my first fic around here. I'm so glad to be back again with this!
And never forget: Your comments are my muse!
The Current song is Bon Iver - Re: Stacks… I didn't use it for a song - Chapter, because I thought it wasn't matching the scenes perfectly, but it's still an amazing song and I hear it whenever I'm taking the special journey. So feel free to listen to this song while reading. I did it while I was writing it.
All my best "I'm looking forward to take this journey with you" wishes
-Sun
Chapter 1
Sometimes there is a time in life you take a seat with a cup of tea in your hands and you are listening to soft music pouring out of your boxes, taking you on a long journey.
So you sit there for hours on this uncomfortable wooden chair, seeing your life walking by through the eyes of a stranger.
You start to cry and laugh and smile when the memories are over taking your body. Your eyes get heavy and your heart is fluttering in a strange way. You start to think about what life brought you, what you have done and how your life has been until the moment you start to make the same journey again.
Some day I decided to do the same. I sat down on a small wooden char in my bedroom while soft shafts of sunlight were gracing the floor at the beginning of a new day.
I sat there, sipping my hot cup of tea, listening to nothing else but her breathe while glimmering shafts of sunlight were gracing her beautiful and peaceful looking face. And I cry and smile at the same time.
When I'm looking back, thinking about what life brought me I don't start in my childhood or at high school when I got my first kiss. I don't start in Miami or Seattle or my first vacation with my friends in Rome. I don't think about starting as an attending at Seattle Grace or marrying a guy I thought who would give me the things I wanted and needed. I don't start with George nor Erica or Mark.
I start this journey in a dirty bathroom in the middle of Seattle on a day the rain was pouring and the sky looked as pissed and sad as I felt. I start with my journey, the moment I first heard her voice and saw her face. I don't waste my time with the things that has been before, the things that destroyed me. Instead I start where my life really started, in her eyes, in her arms, in her kiss.
My life first became life when she entered it without a warning.
I remember all the nights we spent together in this bed with her laying in my arms. I remember the times we touched each other, we made passionate love. I remember each word she said and each tear she cried, because I was the one who whipped them away. And I would do that forever.
Suddenly I see her shifting in her sleep and with a worried expression on my face I place the mug on a simple wooden shelve before I crawl under the blankets and take her into my arms. Immediately she starts to relax again as I'm stroking her blond curls soothingly.
But she is still captured in a land I'd love to take her away from. She is still a part of her dreams, of her nightmares. That's what I realize when she's frowning and her soft hands are searching something to cling onto. This almost happens each morning, each night for 3 weeks now and I don't know what to do… I don't know how I should take away the pain from her fragile body. Whatever is happening she shows me her giant smile, but I still know that she's not doing okay.
Weeks have passed so quickly. Weeks in which we shared the decision we made with everyone. Weeks, in which we bought a ring, in which we planned and laughed. Weeks, in which we were happy.
Weeks in which she started to remember completely what happened to her in these hours in which she was trapped…
As soon as she was herself again she decided to search for Bonnie and even I was concerned, even I know that Bonnie was the only real connection, except of her wounds, to what happened to her and even I knew what this was doing to her I let her go. I didn't keep her behind closed doors, letting her know that I couldn't let her destroy herself.
But I let her go. I let her go each week, even I wanted to keep her with me the whole day.
Today was the day, Wednesday, I'd let her go again.
She would lie in bed with me like now, waking up, looking me into the eyes, telling me she would first be back in the middle of the night and I shouldn't wait for her. But I still did… each passing week.
She talked to the chief to give her each Wednesday free and her free mornings she spent in another hospital of Seattle where Bonnie was prepared for her soon coming death. Arizona spent their hours, talking to her, claiming into her bed to weep her to sleep like she told me once. Arizona is the only one Bonnie has left. Her mother is dead and her father is in prison for the things he has done to Ari and each Wednesday I'm worried and concerned while she is staying there.
And afterwards she's working instead of going home after hours being emotional burdened. She's working until 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning and then she's first coming back, sneaking under the warm blankets where I wait for her.
I told her once that I was worried, because the time she started to see her, the nightmares started, the cries and shouting in the middle of the night when she was fighting against someone who captured and hurt her in her dreams.
I told her that I was concerned, because of the fact that I love her. But she just kissed me, smiling one of the saddest smiles I've ever seen.
"You know… I don't want to hurt you… but I… I have to do this… I just have to… I am the only one she has left, Callie…" She doesn't use the shorten phrase of my name usually, but when she does it's full of honest and it always has a special and deeper meaning. When she said it back then, when I told her my fears, it meant that it was a decision she made. Something she wouldn't take back, even she loves me and I understand.
I knew that it was just like the way she was, the way I love her and if she wasn't going, she would hate herself for that her whole life… Bonnie was someone she loved to be with when she was just a patient like any other. Sometimes she told me a little girl who dreamed about living in California with her Dad someday… and she also told me that Bonnie was reminding her of her brother…
And now Bonnie was a girl who kept on fighting with Arizona at her side… And so I let her go each week, even I know what it means…
Suddenly I feel her shifting again, but this time it's because she's finally waking up, her sleepy sky blue eyes looking like to crystals while she's looking at me, whispering a sweet "Good Morning…" right before she's using her hands to pull me down for a brief but tender kiss.
"Morning…" I'm answering with a smile, even I know it won't be good, but whenever I'm looking into her eyes I know that everything is going to be okay somehow. As long as she's coming back from there, not losing herself there completely. As long as I'm going to able to make her smile, hold her through the night. As long as I'm able to help her sleeping without nightmares I don't give up and I try to let her go.
"When are you…?" I don't need to say something else. She knows what I mean; but as soon as these words were spoken her eyes get heavy again. I wish I wouldn't be the reason her heart was feeling heavy as her eyes.
"Later… I just want to stay another hour in your arms…" She whispers right before she's crawling back into my arms, placing her head on my chest so my nose is hovering over her coconut and honey smelling hair I love so much.
And then she mumbles something like: "It's the only place where I feel safe…" and all I do is kissing her golden hair, holding her in my arms, while I take another step of the journey… And I take her with me…
I haven't really slept when I hear a sudden sound of the door opening and as I look at the clock it's already 4 o'clock in the morning when she's finally coming into my apartment. I already waited for her passionately and I thought about rushing to the hospital to be there if she got some free time, but I didn't want to pressure her in talking with me about how it was and how she's feeling.
Instead I stayed here, hoping she would be back soon, and as she opens the door, standing there with her dark blue scrub trousers all I can do is smiling, like she does the first time she sees me… awake.
"You didn't wait for me, did you?" She's smiling the way she did when she first told me that she loves me, and all I reply is:" No… I was just waking up …", because I know how much she doesn't like it when I stay awake because of her. She always tells me sleep is important , cause working at the hospital is more than exhausting… It's breathe- and sleep - taking in a really bad way…
But I can't stop myself from doing is. Maybe that's another thing that changes and happens when you are in love?
"You're a bad liar…" She replies as she's slipping out of her clothes, only wearing underwear when she's slipping under the bed sheets and I touch her immediately, pulling her closer, so we lie in front of each other, our hands interlinked like our legs. Every time I see her, I need to touch her and I need to be close to her.
"How was your day..?" I ask, our glances never breaking apart. I could look her into the eyes forever…
"Well… it wasn't a lot going on today so Bailey said I should leave and get home… but I'm still on on-call…" She replies, hiding her face in the leaf of my neck, breathing my scent in.
I know she's hiding, because I didn't just mean work… I mean how it was to see Bonnie again. I want to know everything. I also want to know how it feels to be reminded. And even it's painful to hear her hurt I know I can take it…
After a few minutes in silence she's talking again, finally answering to my questions.
"We spent the whole morning playing her favourite game and talking… And we talked about the school she wants to attend when she's out there… Callie… it hurts too much to look into her blank eyes, knowing that she already knows that there won't be a school she is going to attend and there won't be a house in California… I want to help her so much… but all I can do is lying to her about her future… I hate myself for doing this and I'm so mad at myself for not being able to help her… For what am I a doctor? For what did I survive?"
Her trembling voice is like hundred knifes in my heart and all I can do is weeping her forth and back to sooth her like a little child.
"You know you did everything, Ari…" I say, kissing the golden sea.
"I know… talking about medicine I did everything… but she… she needs her father… She's alone and she is scared… She hates her father for doing those things but… she also needs him… Callie… and I'm the reason he can't be there to sooth her when she's crying… It's my fa…." She already cries and I stop her, before she's able to speak out those completely wrong words. How could she ever think about being the one who is responsible?
"Shhh… Don't you ever dare to say that or believe in that, Ari… It's not your fault… He is responsible for everything that happened not you… what you did was brave… don't you ever think about that again… It was his fault and only his…!" I say convincing while I pull her closer, soothing her while she is crying silent tears.
"I… I know… but… sometimes I can't forget his face…"
She whispers as she's closing her eyes to find a way into a painful slumber and I start to cry too. Tears she never sees, because I cry in secret…
I wish I could take away the pain…
I wish that it never happened as I'm closing my eyes, too, completely in knowledge that her dreams will be filled with his face and not with mine…