April, 2008
“Jesus, Mark, I’ve been looking for this dress forever,” Callie said, swiping her arm underneath his bed and coming up with an assortment of Lily’s things.
It was two nights before the move, and Callie was gathering some of her stray belongings from Mark’s. A few days had passed since her fight with Arizona and, while Arizona had begun sleeping in their apartment again, they had hardly spoken since.
“Lily was hiding it from you. She hates that dress,” Mark said matter-of-factly.
“What? My parents sent this dress,” Callie defended.
“She looks like a mariachi dancer, Cal. Throw that out.”
They were interrupted by a cackling from Mark’s baby monitor.
“Shit, I hope she’s not waking up,” Callie said, freezing in place out of habit.
“She still having bad dreams?” Mark asked.
“A few times a month, I guess,” Callie sighed. She knew it was normal for children of this age to have nightmares, but it still wasn’t easy watching her daughter cry hysterically for sometimes hours on end out of panic. Lately, Arizona had commandeered nightmare duty; somehow she had found a way to get Lily back to sleep in record time.
But instead of an awakening Lily, Callie and Mark were met with the voice of Arizona.
“Hey Lil’,” she said softly, her voice strained from what sounded like crying. When Lily didn’t respond, they knew she was still sleeping.
“God, you’re getting so big, look at you. I remember the day you were born. You were so tiny! The smallest little fingers…” Arizona sniffled and took a deep breath.
“This is wrong,” Mark said. “We should turn this off.”
“Don’t,” Callie answered. “Just wait.”
They stood on opposite sides of Mark’s bed, just staring at the monitor on the dresser.
“I’m gonna miss you so much. And I wish you weren’t moving; more than anything I wish you weren’t moving. But that’s just how life is. Things change. Things are changing all the time and sometimes it’s really hard. Sometimes you’d do anything to just go back and… have things the way they used to be.
“I’m sorry; I know I’m blubbering here. It’s just… I’m losing my girls, you know? And that makes me so sad. But I don’t want you to worry. Because I’m always gonna take care of you. You and your mom. I’ll never let anything happen to you, never ever. Because even though I was so angry when I found out about you, I wouldn’t change a thing about having you in my life. I love you so much, and I want you to know that whatever happens, I’ll always love your mom. You are so lucky, Lily. To have her as a mom. So take it easy on her; you know, when you’re a teenager.
“Now, I’m not always gonna be around anymore, so when you’re in the new house I need you to take care of your mama for me. If she ever eats more than two pints of Ben & Jerry’s in one sitting then you know - Emergency time, and you gotta call Aunt Zo, okay? I’ll be right there, day or night, whenever you need me. One day, when you’re older, I’ll explain this whole… modern family thing to you.”
Arizona sighed heavily and was silent. Wordlessly, Callie walked over and switched off the monitor. For a moment neither said a word. No words could possibly convey the sadness of a situation that had been building for years.
“More than two pints in one sitting?”
“I’ve never done that,” Callie said unconvincingly. Marked looked at her with raised eyebrows. “Oh fuck you.”
Later that night, after Callie had returned to the apartment, she sat on the living room floor taping boxes closed.
Arizona lingered in the doorway of her bedroom, wanting to come to the kitchen for a glass of water but also wanting to avoid the awkwardness that had been lingering between her and Callie over the last few days. It was heartbreaking enough watching Callie pack her things.
Finally, sighing, Arizona entered the room. She stood at the sink, running the tap until the water felt cold. Filling her glass, she heard Calliope speak out behind her.
“Would you mind getting me a glass of water?” she said timidly, asking a question that a week ago would have seemed innocuous and not at all out of place. Now, it sounded a bit jaded to Callie’s ears and she wondered whether Arizona would laugh in her face for asking a favor.
But she knew Arizona well enough to know that that was not her nature.
Arizona reached up into the cabinet and retrieved another glass; glasses they had picked out together just a few years ago (before the picture of their future together grew hazy, hazy, and dissipated altogether).
Arizona walked the glass over to where Calliope was sitting and handed it down to her. As she turned to head back into her bedroom, Callie reached out and grabbed her hand.
“I’m sorry,” Callie said softly. Her eyes were clear and sincere, pained but not by having to make an apology. Try as she might, Arizona could not break the stare between them.
“I was being selfish. And I wasn’t being fair to you,” Callie said, growing silent again. She looked down at their hands, still connected, but made no move to pull away.
After a turn, Arizona spoke.
“Do you want some help taping?”
Callie smiled.
Moving Day
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Arizona said, getting her things together for work.
Arizona, Mark, and Callie had spent much of the day before moving in all of Callie’s things. Only a few last boxes remained. Lily was running around the apartment saying goodbye to every little thing.
Arizona slung her bag over her shoulder and looked down at her shoes. She and Callie stood facing each other near the door to what would now be only Arizona’s apartment.
“You could stay,” she continued, “and we’ll give Lily my room. She can have my room. And I’ll just sleep… in your room. Not like in the bed,” Arizona rambled. “But maybe on the floor or… Oh! We could get twin beds! I know that’s not really classy but-”
“Arizona, slow down,” Callie said, taking her hand. “You know we have to go,” she added softly.
“I don’t want you to,” Arizona said, wiping her eyes with the tissue she had wrapped around her finger.
“Don’t cry,” Callie sighed, despite her own eyes tearing and the lump forming in her throat. “We’re only going down the street.”
“It won’t be the same. It’ll never be the same.”
Arizona dug into her bag and pulled out a book, smoothing over the surface before handing it to Callie.
“Here. This is what I read to Lily when she has nightmares. It works. I recorded my voice so that… I don’t know. So she feels like I’m there. It’s silly, I know…”
“No,” Callie stopped her. “This is so thoughtful, Arizona. Thank you,” she said sincerely, rubbing her palm over the cover of the book. It was “All the Ways I Love You”.
“Okay Mommy, I ready!” Lily yelled, running clumsily toward the door. Her little Dora backpack was perched up high on her shoulders.
“Okay, baby. Vamonos,” Callie said, looking at Arizona one last time before opening the door.
Lily grabbed instinctively onto Arizona’s hand.
“Vamonos, Aunt Zo,” she said gleefully, tugging her towards the hallway.
A look of panic passed over Arizona’s face as she looked to Callie for help.
“Um… no, baby. Remember, we said just you and Mommy were moving to the new house?”
“But Aunt Zo lives with us, too!” Lily said, exasperated.
“Aunt Zona is gonna live here, in the apartment,” Callie explained.
“You has to come!” Lily cried, wrapping her tiny arms around Arizona’s leg and burying her head against her thigh. “Pease, Aunt Zo, pease!”
Arizona’s tears were coming faster now with no foreseeable end in sight. Squatting down so that she was at Lily’s level, she held onto the crying girl’s shoulders.
“Hey,” she whispered, their tear-streaked faces a mirror image of the other. “It’s going to be okay,” Arizona promised. “You and Mommy are going to love your new house.”
“You come!” Lily demanded, her face red.
“I can’t come, Lil. I have to stay here. But we can see each other whenever you want, okay? I can come to your house and you can come stay with me anytime, alright? I need you to be a big girl, now. Are you a big girl?”
“Yes,” Lily sniffled.
“Good,” Arizona smiled, mustering a brave face. She pulled Lily into her, hugging her tightly and kissing her hair. “I love you,” she whispered, her eyes shut tightly in pain. “I love you.”
Two weeks after the move, Lily had her first nightmare in their new home. Her screams woke Callie immediately, despite being in separate rooms for the first time since she was born. Callie knelt beside the small bed and tried to comfort her daughter, who could only repeat: “I scared, Mommy,” in that heartbreakingly simple way.
She tried softly murmuring to her, rubbing her back, but Lily was inconsolable. Callie began to panic, not knowing what to try next. It had been months since she had talked her daughter down from a bad dream.
Callie was on the verge of calling Arizona when she suddenly remembered the book she had given her. It certainly couldn’t hurt to try.
“Hold on, baby,” she whispered, walking over to the bookshelf and finding the right one.
Crawling into the tiny bed beside Lily, Callie opened the book. Arizona’s sweet voice immediately filled the room. Lily’s eyes flashed with recognition and her sob caught in her throat.
“I love you quicker than a minute
I love you longer than an hour
I love you like the honey bee loves buzzing ‘round the flower
“I love you closer than your shadow
I love you further than the sun,
I love you, too, when raindrops fall, one by one by one”
Lily’s tears had subsided to mere whimpers, crying out only when she forgot that she was supposed to be crying. Her eyelids grew heavy, staying closed longer with every blink.
“I love you ‘round and ‘round the world
I love you through and through
And when it seems impossible to love you more… I do.”
As Callie closed the book, she looked down at her daughter lying in her arms - fast asleep.
“Fuck,” Callie sighed quietly, hugging the book tightly to her chest.