Moments of Clarity 6/?
TITLE Moments of Clarity 6/?
AUTHOR Neolithic Dream
PAIRING Calzona, later some Mark/Lexie
RATING PG?
SUMMARY We all have significant moments in our lives, moments of clarity that shape our future. What happened in that elevator and the aftermath, somewhat introspective in the beginning. Starts with Callies’ POV,will move to Arizonas’ POV and eventually real communication. Spoiler up to ep.7.12 and (possibly by co-incidence only ep.7.13).
DISCLAIMER I do not own Calzona or any of the characters mentioned in this fic. They are the property of Shonda Rhimes/ ABC etc.. This fic is purely written for enjoyment and without intent or prospect of profit. No copyright infringement intended.
A/N This is my first attempt at any type of fiction writing ever never mind fan fiction. It may not be great but I had a surprising amount of fun writing it. Any comments welcome but go easy as I’m a newborn!
Parts 1- 5 can be found at my journal cos I don’t know how to do the link thing ;)
As they walked the few short blocks to their apartment building both women knew that what had just transpired in the elevator and basement was momentous-the mere fact that they were walking to their apartment was proof of that- not hers or mine but theirs.
Arizona knew that she had made promises, irrevocable promises in that basement; vows that could not, must not ever be broken. She knew that they would test every fine quality she ever possessed and that they would be tested by every flaw she tried not to think about. She had made vows tonight as sacred and as solemn as if she were permitted to make them in a Church. Vows to be with Calliope forever, for better for worse; vows to be a mother to Calliopes baby. Vows, promises that were binding and the absence of paperwork and independent witnesses did nothing to change that.
Arizona knew what she had done and she knew why. She did it because she loved Calliope Iphegenia Torres, pure and simple, she could not live without her, did not want to countenance the thought and nothing, not even the thought of Mark Sloan could change that. There would be plenty of time to consider all of her other feelings; jealousy, insecurity, hatred(all bound up with Sloan),fear, terror(all bound up with the thought of a tiny baby arriving years ahead of schedule),inadequacy(was she ‘mom’ material) and doubt(could she do this ,would she ‘bail’). However tonight love was what mattered.
As they walked into the elevator and pushed the button for the fifth floor, Callie Torres wondered if this was the moment that she would look back on in years to come. When asked by her grandchildren what was the best day of her life or the most important one this might be it. She used to think it might be that kiss in that bathroom in that bar or the night Arizona Robbins first told her she loved her. How to explain to the grandchildren that it was the day that started with her crying over a pink stick, crying because life had given her exactly what she wanted exactly how and when she didn’t want it but that it was also the day that she got back the love of her life, the day they pledged their lives to each other.
One thing she did know was that right now she felt at peace. She had Arizona back and she knew that they had a chance, a real chance, a great chance to make it, to make it to 35 years and beyond. She knew that with Arizona by her side she could achieve almost anything. Her feelings towards her girlfriend were different now, she no longer felt in awe of her, inferior, the lesser in an unequal partnership. No- Arizona Robbins was a beautiful flawed human being just like her and they were in love, a love that had been tested and would continue to be tested, but it was love- and they were going to be Moms together Awesome, Rockstar Moms.
It wasn’t until they arrived onto their floor walking towards those two blue doors bearing the numbers “501” and “502” that the nerves set in. As they approached “501” and Callie slowed to a halt, she could feel Arizona freeze beside her- “ Ha-have you changed your mind about coming to, coming home?”. “No, but I need to pick up some clothes and stuff, I’ll just be a couple of minutes, you go on ahead.” “I’ll just wait here,if thats ok.” Arizona just didn’t want any distance between them not yet, not when they had just found each other again, not before they had even shared a kiss.
“You want to stay in the hallway- just come in and..” “I’m not ready to face Mark”.
Callie nodded, not sure she was ready to do so either but when she opened the door it was clear that Mark was out so she hauled Arizona into the apartment with her. She too wanted to keep her close afraid to lose sight of her for fear that this might be a dream. Callie began to fill a bag with some clothes and toiletries from around the apartment. When she finished she noticed Arizona standing in the middle of the living area staring at the bedroom door and beyond. And she could tell,just by the look on her face, a face that seemed paler than it had moments earlier, exactly what was going through her mind.
“Arizona, don’t..” “I ,when I close my eyes I see you ,you and M-m, him together and..”
“Please, baby , don’t do this, lets go home and..”, “Where did you do it, the bedroom, on the couch, the shower, did you....at the hospital?” “Arizona, stop, don’t torture yourself, you don’t need to know those details, lets go home like we said, please? I love you and you love me all that matters now is you and me, come home”.
“ I love you, this doesn’t change that and I want to go home too, but if you tell me then I’ll know and knowing can’t be worse than what my imagination is doing so please..?”. “Ok, I’ll tell you everything you want to know, whatever you need to know but not tonight,ok, but just so you know whatever happened with Mark,it never left this apartment, nothing happened at the hospital.” Callie thought she detected a tiny grin on her girlfriends face as she said “So our on-call room is...” “Yeah,its still OUR oncall room” and with that she took her bag and her girl by the hand and said “we’re going home now”.
Why were they so nervous? They were standing in their apartment like strangers, neither seemed brave enough to be the one to make a move, any move, towards the other or even away from the other to sit down. Eventually Arizona sighed “ this is crazy, I just want to hold you and be close to you and I’m terrified”, “ Me too” but neither moved.
“If you want I can sleep in Cristinas old room and...” “ NO! I mean please I don’t want you to do that unless you don’t want to...with me”. “ No ,I want to, its just. I’m nervous..” “Me,too..”
Eventually some of the nerves seemed to dissipate and Arizona made a decision- “Why don’t you put your stuff away and I’ll go have a shower and.. then you can shower and I’ll order some food in, you must be hungry and then maybe we can go to bed and catch some sleep...you need to start looking after yourself..”
And so they did, and they realised that regardless of the big decisions made earlier in the basement they would still have to negotiate and navigate through all the little moments and re-learn how to be together again. When they finally relaxed a little over Pizza and sparkling water Callie tried to tell Arizona that really it was only fair that she abstain from all alcohol too. Arizona retorted that she doubted there would ever be a time in her life when she needed alcohol more than the next few months but she generously offered to abstain from red wine. As Callie had never seen her girlfriend drink red wine she didn’t seem to appreciate the enormity of the sacrifice and so they passed the time, in easy conversation like before until it was time for bed.
They held hands as they entered the bedroom, but there seemed an unspoken understanding that tonight was too soon for anything more intimate than being in the others arms. They climbed into bed and faced each other, gently stroking the others face, placing gentle undemanding but loving kisses on willing and oh so soft lips, legs entangled, just happy to be this close to each other after the months apart. Eventually they ended up in a familiar position , Arizonas head tucked into the crook of Callies neck, Callies left arm wrapped around her waist, Arizona leaning into Callies body, right arm thrown loosely over Callies abdomen and to both women it felt like home.
Despite the emotional upheaval of this evening neither woman was tired, in a way they were energised by the closeness of each other and lying there, in the dark, all nervousness passed. Whether it was because of the dark or otherwise they suddenly seemed able to communicate again, they talked about what the immediate future would bring, about the pregnancy, about telling Mark, and the Torres family. Arizona giggled at the mild terror she could hear in her girlfriends voice at the thought of telling her father. “Poor Carlos, its not bad enough that his beloved daughter is shacking up with some flaky unreliable blonde lesbian, but now shes pregnant by her manwhore friend who is dating a child - who said being a parent was easy?”, “Oh very funny Rollergirl! We’ll see how brave you’re feeling next time my Dad meets you, he may have a word or two for you on Airport etiquette! Yep, its gonna have to be some speech,Arizona!” “Just as well for you, then darling that my Dad,Ret. Colonel Daniel Robbins is such a pussy cat!” . Yeah they were happy to have a little breathing space before dealing with those hurdles. They talked and talked, but the talk was good and the talk was warm and the talk was loving and they finally fell asleep wrapped in each others arms, at home and at peace.
Waking up the next morning Arizona took a few moments to remember where she was and most importantly who was with her. She snuggled in closer to the gorgeous woman beside her as reality sank in, she was exactly where she was supposed to be and she realised that this was exactly how she wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of her life. Callie had been awake for some time watching her girlfriend sleep torn between the desire to watch her for a little longer or to wake her up so that she could just get her good morning kiss. Her good morning kiss which she had taken for granted last time, the morning of their departure to Malawi. She vowed to herself that she would never take anything for granted about Arizona again, not her morning kisses, not her super magic smiles, not the Robbins method of which Arizona was so proud and Callie was the happy beneficiary. No had she known that it was the last good morning kiss well then she would never have allowed that kiss to end. So when Arizona finally woke up Callie demanded her good morning kiss, a kiss that started off full of tenderness but soon became charged with so much more, both women poured all their love and desire into that kiss, as if it were the kiss to end kisses, the kiss to end days. And just as last night when it seemed not to be the time for intimacy, now the time had come for them to reconnect in that way, they had talked and there would be time and need for more talk in the future but right at that moment they both needed to be with each other again,to feel that intimacy,that closeness,that joy,that ecstacy,to experience once again what it meant to give themselves totally completely over to the other,in absolute trust and love.
Callie pulled away from Arizona, just long enough to gasp, “make sure the door is locked, no interruptions, not anymore” and was rewarded by the sight of a semi naked laughing Arizona bounding out of the bedroom, to lock the door of the apartment and the door of the bedroom just to be sure. They stayed in bed till noon, exploring each others bodies as if for the first time. Their love making was tender and slow, then frenzied and energetic. They battled for dominance and then yielded to each other, they screamed each others names in ecstasy as they brought each other to the edge and beyond time and time again. They made love, they fucked and made love again. Both women wanted to show the other how much they were loved, were needed, were wanted. The physical need for each other surpassed only by the almost meta-physical, spiritual, emotional need. When it was over the reunion felt complete, they had now re-united mentally physically and emotionally. Only now would they be strong enough to face the world.
“I love you, Arizona Robbins and one day I want to stand in front of our families and proclaim my love for you and call you my wife” gasped an exhausted but very sated brunette. “ I hope that wasn’t a proposal Calliope because I expect you to go down on bended knee and be at least partially clothed when you propose to me and by the way before you do my father will have to have “the talk” with you.” They both laughed but they both also knew that the day would come, they were certain of it.
MARK
Callie hadn’t made it home the night before and Mark Sloan could not have been happier about it. He had not seen much of her all that day, after her pretty harsh outburst at Blondie in the hallway that morning. He had heard she had been pretty much occupied by some newly weds and had been in surgery for a good part of the day. He had plans with Lexie that night, nothing special, just a few drinks at Joes but in the end both of them ended up in surgery working on a burn victim for hours.
He remembered how squeamish she used to be with burn victims- Lexie had come along way from that day when Robbins took her aside and told her to do her job or find someone else- yeah, Lexie would make a fine surgeon whatever her speciality-but he hoped it would be plastics. He always felt people didn’t really take her seriously, the nickname Little Grey didn’t help; she hated it and some seemed to think that her ‘Lexipedia’ skill was what got her by and ignored her surgical skill. He hadn’t helped, or rather his relationship with her didn’t help ,at least first time around. His reputation preceded him and somehow that coupled with her looking so young, even younger than she was, seemed to translate into people not taking her seriously. But he knew the real Lexie, underneath the perky facade and the sometimes rambling demeanour, Lexie was tough and serious about her career. Yeah she had the makings of a great surgeon. He saw it, but he knew he was biased, but he knew Bailey and strangely Robbins seemed to get it too. Robbins, well she reminded him a bit of Lexie actually, the perkiness, the rambling, the forthright honesty and as someone who had been on the receiving end of dressing downs from both women they shared that too. Yeah strip away the perk and you had a tough no-nonsense woman both times. Of course they both had hot boobs too, really hot boobs! It was ironic that both he and Callie had lost their women first time round over babies, Lexie wasn’t ready to be a mom(or a grandmother) and Robbins didn’t want to be one at all. Callie had got her back, then lost her again. It had taken him a lot longer to get Lexie back but he wasn’t going to lose her a second time.
So yeah things were going well with Lexie and he wasn’t going to mess things up again, which reminded him he needed to have a chat with Torres about the sorbet, well sorbets actually. If and when she and Rollergirl finally saw sense he really didn’t see any point in either Lexie or Rollergirl knowing about their occasional nocturnal activities. Look they had both been single; Callie abandoned in the Airport of no return and Lexie had turned down his proposal twice. So they were consenting adults doing what consenting adults do, Callie and him well they were best friends for gods sake and no more. So they had done nothing wrong. They knew that it was just a casual physical thing and most importantly it was over. Most likely it would not happen again; well after she had got together with Robbins he would have bet against it ever being repeated but the circumstances were exceptional. I f your best friend comes to you, broken hearted, needing you,well you don’t say no.
Lexie and Arizona, however, might not quite see it that way. Yeah, Mark knew he viewed sex differently to a lot of people, to him sex could just be a physical thing,without any emotional attachment. It was like Gods great gift to mankind, a great wonderful fun filled thing so he didn’t take sex seriously in that sense although he took it very seriously as an activity. Yeah Mark was great at two things, surgery and sex; he had spent years honing his skills at both and took his performance and its impact on his companion very seriously. He knew others took sex way way way more seriously than that and in particular he reckoned Robbins might be one of those. So next time he got to see Callie he would tell her to stay schtum on the sorbets! Their women did not need to know-no muss no fuss!
Anyway hopefully Callie had seen sense and maybe now finally those two were going to get back on track. And if they had already well he was going to take the credit and why not? Had he not spent the entire day advising Robbins on how to win Torres back?
Sure he understood Callies attitude, she had been devastated when Blondie left her, all her old insecurities came rushing back, ironically all the insecurities that the blonde had seemed to banish seemingly for good. And with the insecurities some of the old habits too, he guessed he fell into that category. Yeah he saw a lot of similarities between his Lexie and Robbins and that included making better people of their partners. He knew that he had never been a better man than the time he spent with Lexie, even though she was much younger, she made him mature. She was the one that made him realise his desire to be a Dad, she was the one who made him feel like a grown up, made him want to be a grown up and when they ended he felt that his dreams had ended. So he knew,he understood what Callie had gone through. Robbins was her Lexie. Robbins completed her, he had watched as Callie seemed to bloom with the blonde by her side. Callie moved from the dark and twisty side of life towards bright and breezy. Happiness became her and with her personal life seemingly sorted her professional life just seemed to soar. Callie had always been a great surgeon but in the last 18 months everything seemed to come together. For all the concentration on Neuro and Cardio in SGMW he thought it was only a matter of time before the Ortho Dept and Callie were recognised beyond the Hospital, maybe even by the Harper Avery people. And Robbins,her love,the security she gave Torres,had played her part. She made Torres a better person just as Lexie did him.
And suddenly she was gone and how! Now he had seen it coming, he knew Callie didn’t want to go but really its not like Robbins could have stayed! It was the Carter Madison for gods sake- the Nobel Prize,the Pulitzer, hell it made the Harper Avery look like a prize from a fairground stall. What he could not figure out was why the two of them could not have sorted it out, tried a long distance thing for a while. Hell they loved each other, a blind man could see that. They adored each other, surely 3 years, with multiple visits back and forth would have worked. And he had worried about Callie going, that she was giving up everything for the blonde; she said it was for love but he wondered whether it was just out of fear. But he would never have expected it to end the way it did. He knew the Blonde was tough,hell this was the Doctor who had put Bailey,BAILEY, in her place; the Doctor who cried before the Chief but still managed to throw him out of her OR! But what happened in that Airport, well that was cold, icy and no-one expected that from the sunny Paeds surgeon.
So he would back Callie all the way but he knew that at the end of the day Callie still loved Rollergirl and wanted nothing more than to be with her again. So he had been pleasantly surprised that she hadn’t taken her back with open arms...nothing wrong with letting her stew for a while but this morning well,what was that about? And as he tried to tell Callie she was back,she had come back,left the clinic in Malawi and come back for her..and she didn’t seem to care who knew it...so he thought it was time for Callie to lay down her weapons..
Truth is he was a bit worried about Blondie, she seemed at breaking point today. He liked her, a lot, and not just her Boobs! No, it was hard not to like Blondie and she was funny, she always gave as good as she got with him and she was tough when she needed to be but she could be kind too. Her and Callie had been his rock when Lexie broke up with him. They made a great threesome, in his opinion, NOT in that way although he wouldn’t have any objections but Robbins would never agree. He knew she didn’t really like him and he really didn’t know why. He wanted her to like him,to respect him but they had made a move in the right direction recently before the breakup. Maybe it was because she was one woman who was impervious to his charms, maybe it was because of the similarities with Lexie but he liked Blondie and did not want to see her hurt either. She was like,what he imagined a sister might be like, a bossy sister. Today though she was not herself. The real Arizona, the one that went to Africa ,would not have put up with him listing her failings in front of Karev, but then the real Arizona would never have shot down an alternative surgical without considering it either. So for both their sake those two needed to kiss and make up- he knew it, hell the whole hospital knew it...