FanFic: 50 Shades of Calzona Part III
Title: Fifty Shades of Calzona: Part III/IV
Rating: M
Summary: Sometimes, sharing secrets can finally set us free.
Disclaimer: I love Calzona. I don't own them. If I did they'd probably look a lot more like A Windsor's stories.
Additional Thoughts: I know some folks are going to hate this. I'm mostly okay with that. Feel free to share your feelings. Try to express them about the story though and not me, and I will do my best to respond. I am going to put more of my thoughts in the comments section about why I ended up where I ended up.
HOME
Arizona sat on the couch, drinking a glass of wine and reviewing case notes for her upcoming fetal surgery. She’d bounced a couple of ideas off of Herman earlier and was pretty confident in her approach. There was just the minor fact that it had never been tried before. Ahhh, the joys of fetal surgery. She heard the front door open and put down her notes, expecting to be gleefully assaulted by her energetic four-year-old. The unexpected silence caused her to glance up at Callie.
“Please say we didn’t get our signals crossed again and our daughter isn’t all by herself at pre-school thinking she’s been abandoned. I’m not sure we’re going to be able to afford her massive therapy bills.”
“I dropped her off with Meredith.”
“Oh.” Arizona then noticed not just the pizza box, but also the giant bottle of tequila in Callie’s hand and wondered if she was really ready for this conversation after all.
Shoving down her sudden fear, Arizona got up and followed Callie into their kitchen where she grabbed plates while Callie pulled out two shot glasses and lined them up.
“I hope you at least brought some limes.” Arizona said just before she was forced to catch as Callie downed her first shot straight up while tossing Arizona the lime she had hidden in her jacket pocket. As Callie proceeded to take the second shot, Arizona took a deep breath, cut apart her lime, grabbed some salt and motioned for Callie to set her up. They clinked glasses and tossed them back.
----
Like many times before, Callie and Arizona sat on the living room floor together, backs resting against their sofa, slightly dazed from copious amounts of tequila and a few slices of pizza.
“Callie.”
“Yeah.”
“I love you so much. You know that right?”
“I do.”
“You should also know then, that if I have one more shot, I’m going to pass out. And then we’ll have to do this all over again, and I don’t know if our livers will be up for that.”
“I’m scared.”
Arizona simply waited.
“I uh, I failed you. I failed you in the worst possible way. And I am so, so sorry.”
Callie started to cry, and Arizona swallowed. Hard. She felt her own eyes start to tear up as she saw the shame and misery on Callie’s face. She recognized that face. She’d seen it in her own mirror. And it hurt, oh God it already hurt so badly she could hardly stand it, but she’d promised.
“Honey, why don’t you tell me, and let me decide if any failure has taken place.”
Callie nodded. She glanced longingly at the nearly empty bottle of tequila, but took a deep, shuddering breath and closed her eyes.
“Your plane. It had been, uh, missing for 87 hours and thirty-three minutes when the FAA called. They uh, they said that they were changing the mission from a search and rescue to a recovery.” Callie’s eyes opened and she looked beseechingly at Arizona as a few tears slowly leaked down her cheeks. “They said you were dead.”
Arizona grabbed both of Callie’s hands in hers and held them tightly. “It’s okay. I am here now. We’re here. Together.”
Callie nodded and offered a watery smile before glancing down at their hands.
“I, uh. I didn’t, I think I went a little crazy to be honest. I wanted to be with you. I wanted the world to just stop spinning and let me off. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t do it without you.”
Arizona nodded. She understood that feeling.
“Owen was here. He’d been here the entire time. He came over to tell me that your plane was missing and we waited together. After that call, we uh, we started drinking. And crying. There was…lots of crying. And drinking. Sofia, she uh, she slept through it all.”
Arizona let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. That was it? She could picture it. She understood exactly how it could have happened - the pain and misery and desperation that could overtake a person. She understood that now in a way she wasn’t sure she would have then. She wasn’t happy about it. Duh. But it almost didn’t feel real. It was so long ago.
“You don’t have to say anymore. I understand,” Arizona smiled softly, “I do. And you didn’t fail me. You were simply…doing your best to survive. I mean, you two haven’t been?” Arizona meant it as a joke, but Callie’s pained expression caused Arizona to drop her hands as her mind took off.
Oh God, had they been sleeping together the whole time? Is that why Callie hadn’t really dated anyone? She’d found a new back-up penis? Why hadn’t they just gotten married and had babies already?
But then a small miracle happened. Arizona’s internal crazy making voice stopped. Because no. That wasn’t Callie. Callie wouldn’t do that to her. Ever. Okay then. Deep breath.
“Tell me the rest.”
“A month later. I didn’t get my period.”
“There was a baby?”
Callie nodded.
“You lost it?”
Callie shook her head. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t do that to us.”
She’d told no one. She’d buried Mark, and she’d killed her child on the same day. Some days she’d wondered if she’d killed herself along with it. And now she waited. She waited for Arizona to process while she kept her eyes carefully averted. But eventually she couldn’t stand it anymore.
Arizona looked...devastated. Callie would never forget how she’d looked the day she’d told her about the miscarriage. It was just like this.
“Arizona…” Callie didn’t know what else she could say. How she could possibly explain. And when Arizona vigorously shook her head, she didn’t know what she could do. But then Arizona finally looked at her. Really took her in. And then she reached out and took Callie’s face in her hands, and she softly kissed her.
“I love you.”
And just like that, the dam Callie had built around herself brick by brick by brick after George didn’t love her, Erica left her, Africa, the car crash, the plane crash, Mark’s death, losing their babies, Arizona’s infidelity, Leah, and their break-up finally broke. And she wept.
----
BEDROOM
Hours later, after exhausting themselves with tears, Arizona held Callie to her so tightly that it almost felt like they were wearing one skin. She placed soft kisses along her back and Callie moaned encouragement. But then Arizona paused.
“You didn’t come to Idaho. All I wanted, the entire time I was in the woods, was to get home to you. And then you didn’t come to Idaho, and I got scared.”
“I couldn’t. I couldn’t face you.”
“I begged Mark to live. When we were in the woods he kept dying on us, and I kept begging him to live for you and for Sofia. I loved him too. I did. But I.” Arizona stopped, suddenly ashamed now of what she’d believed.
Callie rolled over and faced Arizona, wrapping one arm around her and brushing her hair off her face, her expression warm and loving, “Tell me.”
“I didn’t think I was enough. I was afraid that if you had to choose…” Arizona paused for a second and then she continued, “And then, when I got here, and I saw you. It felt like all of my Calliope had been scooped out. And there was just this shell. And I thought that was why. I thought you were disappointed that it was just me.”
Callie gently lifted Arizona’s chin up and looked right at her. “You. Are. Everything.”
Arizona smiled brilliantly right back and kissed Callie once, and then twice, and then again for good measure, “So are you.”
Rating: M
Summary: Sometimes, sharing secrets can finally set us free.
Disclaimer: I love Calzona. I don't own them. If I did they'd probably look a lot more like A Windsor's stories.
Additional Thoughts: I know some folks are going to hate this. I'm mostly okay with that. Feel free to share your feelings. Try to express them about the story though and not me, and I will do my best to respond. I am going to put more of my thoughts in the comments section about why I ended up where I ended up.
HOME
Arizona sat on the couch, drinking a glass of wine and reviewing case notes for her upcoming fetal surgery. She’d bounced a couple of ideas off of Herman earlier and was pretty confident in her approach. There was just the minor fact that it had never been tried before. Ahhh, the joys of fetal surgery. She heard the front door open and put down her notes, expecting to be gleefully assaulted by her energetic four-year-old. The unexpected silence caused her to glance up at Callie.
“Please say we didn’t get our signals crossed again and our daughter isn’t all by herself at pre-school thinking she’s been abandoned. I’m not sure we’re going to be able to afford her massive therapy bills.”
“I dropped her off with Meredith.”
“Oh.” Arizona then noticed not just the pizza box, but also the giant bottle of tequila in Callie’s hand and wondered if she was really ready for this conversation after all.
Shoving down her sudden fear, Arizona got up and followed Callie into their kitchen where she grabbed plates while Callie pulled out two shot glasses and lined them up.
“I hope you at least brought some limes.” Arizona said just before she was forced to catch as Callie downed her first shot straight up while tossing Arizona the lime she had hidden in her jacket pocket. As Callie proceeded to take the second shot, Arizona took a deep breath, cut apart her lime, grabbed some salt and motioned for Callie to set her up. They clinked glasses and tossed them back.
----
Like many times before, Callie and Arizona sat on the living room floor together, backs resting against their sofa, slightly dazed from copious amounts of tequila and a few slices of pizza.
“Callie.”
“Yeah.”
“I love you so much. You know that right?”
“I do.”
“You should also know then, that if I have one more shot, I’m going to pass out. And then we’ll have to do this all over again, and I don’t know if our livers will be up for that.”
“I’m scared.”
Arizona simply waited.
“I uh, I failed you. I failed you in the worst possible way. And I am so, so sorry.”
Callie started to cry, and Arizona swallowed. Hard. She felt her own eyes start to tear up as she saw the shame and misery on Callie’s face. She recognized that face. She’d seen it in her own mirror. And it hurt, oh God it already hurt so badly she could hardly stand it, but she’d promised.
“Honey, why don’t you tell me, and let me decide if any failure has taken place.”
Callie nodded. She glanced longingly at the nearly empty bottle of tequila, but took a deep, shuddering breath and closed her eyes.
“Your plane. It had been, uh, missing for 87 hours and thirty-three minutes when the FAA called. They uh, they said that they were changing the mission from a search and rescue to a recovery.” Callie’s eyes opened and she looked beseechingly at Arizona as a few tears slowly leaked down her cheeks. “They said you were dead.”
Arizona grabbed both of Callie’s hands in hers and held them tightly. “It’s okay. I am here now. We’re here. Together.”
Callie nodded and offered a watery smile before glancing down at their hands.
“I, uh. I didn’t, I think I went a little crazy to be honest. I wanted to be with you. I wanted the world to just stop spinning and let me off. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t do it without you.”
Arizona nodded. She understood that feeling.
“Owen was here. He’d been here the entire time. He came over to tell me that your plane was missing and we waited together. After that call, we uh, we started drinking. And crying. There was…lots of crying. And drinking. Sofia, she uh, she slept through it all.”
Arizona let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. That was it? She could picture it. She understood exactly how it could have happened - the pain and misery and desperation that could overtake a person. She understood that now in a way she wasn’t sure she would have then. She wasn’t happy about it. Duh. But it almost didn’t feel real. It was so long ago.
“You don’t have to say anymore. I understand,” Arizona smiled softly, “I do. And you didn’t fail me. You were simply…doing your best to survive. I mean, you two haven’t been?” Arizona meant it as a joke, but Callie’s pained expression caused Arizona to drop her hands as her mind took off.
Oh God, had they been sleeping together the whole time? Is that why Callie hadn’t really dated anyone? She’d found a new back-up penis? Why hadn’t they just gotten married and had babies already?
But then a small miracle happened. Arizona’s internal crazy making voice stopped. Because no. That wasn’t Callie. Callie wouldn’t do that to her. Ever. Okay then. Deep breath.
“Tell me the rest.”
“A month later. I didn’t get my period.”
“There was a baby?”
Callie nodded.
“You lost it?”
Callie shook her head. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t do that to us.”
She’d told no one. She’d buried Mark, and she’d killed her child on the same day. Some days she’d wondered if she’d killed herself along with it. And now she waited. She waited for Arizona to process while she kept her eyes carefully averted. But eventually she couldn’t stand it anymore.
Arizona looked...devastated. Callie would never forget how she’d looked the day she’d told her about the miscarriage. It was just like this.
“Arizona…” Callie didn’t know what else she could say. How she could possibly explain. And when Arizona vigorously shook her head, she didn’t know what she could do. But then Arizona finally looked at her. Really took her in. And then she reached out and took Callie’s face in her hands, and she softly kissed her.
“I love you.”
And just like that, the dam Callie had built around herself brick by brick by brick after George didn’t love her, Erica left her, Africa, the car crash, the plane crash, Mark’s death, losing their babies, Arizona’s infidelity, Leah, and their break-up finally broke. And she wept.
----
BEDROOM
Hours later, after exhausting themselves with tears, Arizona held Callie to her so tightly that it almost felt like they were wearing one skin. She placed soft kisses along her back and Callie moaned encouragement. But then Arizona paused.
“You didn’t come to Idaho. All I wanted, the entire time I was in the woods, was to get home to you. And then you didn’t come to Idaho, and I got scared.”
“I couldn’t. I couldn’t face you.”
“I begged Mark to live. When we were in the woods he kept dying on us, and I kept begging him to live for you and for Sofia. I loved him too. I did. But I.” Arizona stopped, suddenly ashamed now of what she’d believed.
Callie rolled over and faced Arizona, wrapping one arm around her and brushing her hair off her face, her expression warm and loving, “Tell me.”
“I didn’t think I was enough. I was afraid that if you had to choose…” Arizona paused for a second and then she continued, “And then, when I got here, and I saw you. It felt like all of my Calliope had been scooped out. And there was just this shell. And I thought that was why. I thought you were disappointed that it was just me.”
Callie gently lifted Arizona’s chin up and looked right at her. “You. Are. Everything.”
Arizona smiled brilliantly right back and kissed Callie once, and then twice, and then again for good measure, “So are you.”