The state of play
Ok being as this journal has been sadly neglected I expect the state of play at the present could be slightly confusing to some. So here's my attempt to clarify and don't blame me if you are more confused once I have finished.
For the sake of other people's privacy protagonists will be identified by the broad area where they are located. Here's the main list for initial confusion/clarity ;) Listed in alphabetical order of location because hell if one can be obsessive why not. Three of these I would classify as partners if explaining to a new prospective partner about already existing relationships. I would of course also mention the other.
Bedford - female, early 40's
Cambridge - male early 50's
Felixstowe - female mid 30's
Nuneaton - male - late 30's (whoops that should be early 30's but then I never could judge age)
I live in a very nice maisonette with my son. Large, airy, clean, and just enough space for us to have a little privacy from each other. Works well for both of us.
So the complicated relationship setup, where's a Venn diagramme when you need it. Let's go in the order I met them.
Bedford and I met about about 3 and a half years ago. Instant spark of friendship and understanding between us. For over two and a half years we were good friends and occasional playmates (in the BDSM sense) and had a special almost soul mates closeness. I still don't think anybody understands me the way she does. As the relationship with Craig and Kira started dissolving around me she moved emotionally closer and we found our playmate top/bottom dynamic gradually evolved into a much more Dominant/submissive dynamic. Unfortunately she classifies herself as straight from the waste down so our relationship is rarely sexual. Sexualised activity only happens rarely in the context of a heavy BDSM scene. Yes I love her, we love each other, but it is not the kind of love that one would build a primary partnership on. I can't imagine her not being in my life but we both accept that we will never be enough to meet each others needs. As she does not define herself as polyamorous I suspect that when she finally finds a long term male partner this relationship will settle back into being a deep close friendship. I guess we see each other about once a month.
Nuneaton and I met probarbly just over 3 years ago. He lives with his fiance, a beautiful girl that I am very fond of. They have an open/polyamorous relationship and she knows and has no problems with the fact that our relationship spills over into physical intimacy at times. This relationship is based on a strong friendship laced with a heavy dash of pure lust and the ability to with this one person let out the darkest side (though not the sadistic side) of my nature. Nuneaton is the person that I can take my greatest troubles too and know he will objectively listen and if he thinks I need a kick in the arse will give it to me. At times we go months without seeing each other, and even then we do not always do anything beyond friendship. Though I suspect we will be spending more time in each others company due to the bi-weekly gaming night that has now been arranged.
Felixstowe is the loveliest, giggliest, cuddliest, squirmiest submissive girl who I met late December 2008 at Bedford's New Years Eve party. She has her own dominant who is quite happy for her to explore other aspects of her sexuality with me. Felixstowe brings out my maternal side, but she also brings out the sadist and the bossy git. Again this relationship what sexualised activity there is only happens within a BDSM context. Due to distance and finances we only see each other 5 or 6 times a year. - ok a year later Felixstowe and I found the BDSM was not really working for us and have reverted to being the best of friends.
Cambridge and I met, I think it may have been back in February, this year at a BDSM event. Something about him caught my attention and I went over and started chatting. This first time we did not play but he cuddled and looked after me and bought me drinks after my play with Bedford. He is polyamorous and has a primary relationship with his wife. This relationship was supposed to be just playmates and possibly the occasional good clean sexual fun and nothing else.
Ok so who was I kidding. Turns out he is as capable of good clean fun without emotional connections as I am and sometime in September we both realised that this is becoming more than it started as. He is kind, gentle, caring, with one hell of a sadistic streak. He buys me flowers and gifts, but more importantly gifts me with quality time. Time when we do nothing but have fun together, wether that's a walk, a DVD or a whipping session. Doesn't really matter. He scares me and makes me feel safe all at the same time. And being slow and gentle he just somehow slid under my shields and yes once again I find myself falling in love. And it's wonderful, and safe because he's not about to want to move in. And scary because he's obviously smitten by me too. He is abroad at the moment having a holiday with his dad and I have heard from him every day. We were seeing each other once a month but it has become more frequent, and I have no idea what frequency of contact it will level out too. I suspect either way the daily text/email contact will continue. - Almost a year later this has become the most important , intense relationship I have ever had and I consider Mr Cambridge to be my primary partner.
So yes. I have four lovely people in my life to various degrees, and a handful of wonderful friends.
There's still a little hurt deep inside from the breakup with Craig and Kira. Still a part of me that wishes it had been different. A little sting when people insist on telling me what they are up to. I still care about their wellbeing and hope they can find happiness together but I have moved on. The misery has subsided and I am happy again. It is good to be me.
edited to update a little because this entry is linked to from the first entry in my journal. 14/09/10
For the sake of other people's privacy protagonists will be identified by the broad area where they are located. Here's the main list for initial confusion/clarity ;) Listed in alphabetical order of location because hell if one can be obsessive why not. Three of these I would classify as partners if explaining to a new prospective partner about already existing relationships. I would of course also mention the other.
Bedford - female, early 40's
Cambridge - male early 50's
Felixstowe - female mid 30's
Nuneaton - male - late 30's (whoops that should be early 30's but then I never could judge age)
I live in a very nice maisonette with my son. Large, airy, clean, and just enough space for us to have a little privacy from each other. Works well for both of us.
So the complicated relationship setup, where's a Venn diagramme when you need it. Let's go in the order I met them.
Bedford and I met about about 3 and a half years ago. Instant spark of friendship and understanding between us. For over two and a half years we were good friends and occasional playmates (in the BDSM sense) and had a special almost soul mates closeness. I still don't think anybody understands me the way she does. As the relationship with Craig and Kira started dissolving around me she moved emotionally closer and we found our playmate top/bottom dynamic gradually evolved into a much more Dominant/submissive dynamic. Unfortunately she classifies herself as straight from the waste down so our relationship is rarely sexual. Sexualised activity only happens rarely in the context of a heavy BDSM scene. Yes I love her, we love each other, but it is not the kind of love that one would build a primary partnership on. I can't imagine her not being in my life but we both accept that we will never be enough to meet each others needs. As she does not define herself as polyamorous I suspect that when she finally finds a long term male partner this relationship will settle back into being a deep close friendship. I guess we see each other about once a month.
Nuneaton and I met probarbly just over 3 years ago. He lives with his fiance, a beautiful girl that I am very fond of. They have an open/polyamorous relationship and she knows and has no problems with the fact that our relationship spills over into physical intimacy at times. This relationship is based on a strong friendship laced with a heavy dash of pure lust and the ability to with this one person let out the darkest side (though not the sadistic side) of my nature. Nuneaton is the person that I can take my greatest troubles too and know he will objectively listen and if he thinks I need a kick in the arse will give it to me. At times we go months without seeing each other, and even then we do not always do anything beyond friendship. Though I suspect we will be spending more time in each others company due to the bi-weekly gaming night that has now been arranged.
Felixstowe is the loveliest, giggliest, cuddliest, squirmiest submissive girl who I met late December 2008 at Bedford's New Years Eve party. She has her own dominant who is quite happy for her to explore other aspects of her sexuality with me. Felixstowe brings out my maternal side, but she also brings out the sadist and the bossy git. Again this relationship what sexualised activity there is only happens within a BDSM context. Due to distance and finances we only see each other 5 or 6 times a year. - ok a year later Felixstowe and I found the BDSM was not really working for us and have reverted to being the best of friends.
Cambridge and I met, I think it may have been back in February, this year at a BDSM event. Something about him caught my attention and I went over and started chatting. This first time we did not play but he cuddled and looked after me and bought me drinks after my play with Bedford. He is polyamorous and has a primary relationship with his wife. This relationship was supposed to be just playmates and possibly the occasional good clean sexual fun and nothing else.
Ok so who was I kidding. Turns out he is as capable of good clean fun without emotional connections as I am and sometime in September we both realised that this is becoming more than it started as. He is kind, gentle, caring, with one hell of a sadistic streak. He buys me flowers and gifts, but more importantly gifts me with quality time. Time when we do nothing but have fun together, wether that's a walk, a DVD or a whipping session. Doesn't really matter. He scares me and makes me feel safe all at the same time. And being slow and gentle he just somehow slid under my shields and yes once again I find myself falling in love. And it's wonderful, and safe because he's not about to want to move in. And scary because he's obviously smitten by me too. He is abroad at the moment having a holiday with his dad and I have heard from him every day. We were seeing each other once a month but it has become more frequent, and I have no idea what frequency of contact it will level out too. I suspect either way the daily text/email contact will continue. - Almost a year later this has become the most important , intense relationship I have ever had and I consider Mr Cambridge to be my primary partner.
So yes. I have four lovely people in my life to various degrees, and a handful of wonderful friends.
There's still a little hurt deep inside from the breakup with Craig and Kira. Still a part of me that wishes it had been different. A little sting when people insist on telling me what they are up to. I still care about their wellbeing and hope they can find happiness together but I have moved on. The misery has subsided and I am happy again. It is good to be me.
edited to update a little because this entry is linked to from the first entry in my journal. 14/09/10