The clue to keep company with my rebellious son

[calcifer13]

It's 31st of December already...wow time flies. I guess, as a homemaker myself, I've got a lot of things to do, but I'm writing this to escape from the reality, above all else, I need to focus on my son. Since he is about to take the exam for entrance to high school next month, he's been studying, but to help him study is the first thing I need

Comments

[tsubasa_en11]

Mothers are one of the hardest jobs to do. *pats and hugs* My parents didn't care much about us children since we were small, as they both were at work; my grade used to be really bad, i flunked 6 subjects out of 11 subjects when I was the age of your son. But I improved a lot after high school. I think it is just a phrase that every teenager goes through. If he finds something that he's interested in doing, maybe let him focus on that. Having said this though, my brother who was never rebellious had never studied and never found his goal. He is working now with a reasonable pay, though I'm not sure if that pay would be any reasonable 10 years from now. That's his life, though; if you have no one to rely on, what you've got is your own. Guys tend to be slower in maturing, just give him a couple more years and he'll be fine I guess.

I always wish to have a mother like you haha Japanese mothers always seem to me so much more caring and considerate and loving their children. :)

[calcifer13]

Thanks tsubasa! I hope he will give his real ability after high school as you did lol I understand that guys are little slower than girls in maturing. thanks!!!

[theidolhands]

That sounds tough.

Do you think psychological consoling could help more than academic?

[calcifer13]

Hi! theidolhands, thanks for your concern! I think I can manage it! But hum...yes partly yes. I need some help as well as my son. It's fairly hard to teach him general things, especially academic skill would be harder for him to learn. He has some similar spectrum as autism so it requires double or triple time and patience to learn. But he'll learn anyway, so in a nutshell, he is as same as other kids. Once, I've tried to go to see a doctor to make myself better (not him me...)I felt better after counseling but I thought not necessary. Same thing to my son, he needs some professional's help, but very likely he doesn't. He is at the little under that level^^;;

[thunderflyer]

I am going through similar with my 13 year old daughter. I could remind her to breathe and she would hold her breath to spite me. Now, if her step-father were to direct her to jump through a flaming hoop wearing gasoline underwear, she would do so without hesitation.

When she is not outright defying me, she'll argue the facts of the universe as though I wrote them myself and could thus change them to suit her. She'll ask (as an over simplified example): "Why is the sky blue?" and i'll explain about light from the sun refracting through the atmosphere, etc. For the next hour, she'll invent scenarios to try to prove me wrong. Eventually, I get so tired and frustrated, the words "because I said so, dammit!" are screamed at top volume, all learning is shut down, and a simmering anger grows between us.

[theidolhands]

I think daughters are a lot rougher on moms because they are so desperate for self definition (outside of the other female in their lives), I also think that 13 is exactly the age when they can be meanest, when they don't know how challenging the world will be and one day may embrace a more experienced woman in their life.

I think moms get taken for granted, especially if they're stay at home, because that's the person whose always setting the rules and always present.

You're correct that the arguments have little to do with what they are about and a lot more to do with questioning your authority. Maybe next time just say back, "Why do you think it is?" or "Let's look it up together".

[calcifer13]

wow...haha they are like that...mother is a tough job^^;;;;

[thunderflyer]

As an aside, I would only correct your English grammar if you asked for it, as it should be obvious that English is a second language to you, and even if it's not, you are easily understood, which is the sole point of communication.

[theidolhands]

Oh? Is her son not Japanese as well?

[calcifer13]

theidolhaads, I am Japanese. He is Japanese as well lol^^;;

[theidolhands]

ok, I got confused. wakarimashite. ^^;;

[kiret4]

I think adolescence is hard for both parties. For a 14 years old son who wants to be free from mother's watch. For a mother who thinks son is not reliable enough yet.

Isn't that most boys get bad grade when they were 14? My twin brother was and I know it's hard for him to try to please our parents. But, that's just a phase he needed to go through. On the other side, most boys with perfect score are psychopath. haha. Would you like to have sweet son in front of you who just bully another classmate at school?

Why not try to find what he likes and use that as reinforcement to build positive behavior. Promise him reward for his achievement. Don't be too hard to yourself, too. Let him solve his problem without your help. A child needs to be trusted.

~ from a child's point of view

[calcifer13]

Really? I see.. I feel he is especially bad compared to others. But probably he is not as bad as I thought he was...but you know, in Japan, until junior high school - aged 14- is the compulsory education and after that he has to go to a little more refined high school. All the bad graders go to less refined school in general. That's why I don't want him to put in those kind of schools, and the entrance exam is next month.....*cries*

＞Why not try to find what he likes and use that as reinforcement to build positive behavior. Promise him reward for his achievement. Don't be too hard to yourself, too. Let him solve his problem without your help. A child needs to be trusted.

OK I promise not to be hard on him. Thanks kiret4!!!! for your advice.