No Respect For Normal Dimensions [Stargate SG-1/Discworld]
Pairings: none (gen!)
Rating: G
Warnings: oranges and kittens
Beta: pepper_field , who answered the distress call brilliantly.
Jack had to wonder about the pictures of the people running away from the square things. Had to, because Carter was doing stuff in the other room and there was nothing on this planet to guard against, really. Daniel had said it looked a bit like an Ark, Jack had said that Daniel had been watching too much Indiana Jones. Daniel threatened to list the Crimes of Indiana Jones Against Archaeology, so Jack had sent him - with Teal’c - to look at the other side of the building.
So here Jack was, staring at squares while Carter worked, hoping for an alien invasion. He idly kicked a chest in the corner of the room, which scrambled out his way.
Jack froze, then looked at the chest. There were definite scratch marks on the floor where it had moved.
Jack walked around the box warily, then nudged it with his toe. It stood up and glared at him, apparently not hindered by having no face. It was making up for this with hundreds of little legs, though.
“Umm... Carter?" he called out, backing away cautiously. "Want to come and take a look at this?"
She appeared at his side, then frowned. “Okay,” she said, unconvinced. Like this was some giant prank he was pulling on her; completely unreasonable. If you ignored that time with the…
Okay, yeah; maybe he deserved the look.
She walked up to it, and it backed away cautiously.
“Hey,” she said soothingly. “I’m not gonna hurt you. Shut up, sir.”
“Never said a word.”
What? He hadn’t. Thinking didn’t count. Except Carter sometimes demonstrated the ability to Read His Mind. Which, frankly, was more than a little worrying. Carter’s stuff was blipping quietly, though, so he guessed that she was doing something useful. She’d tell him, if he needed to know.
Well, actually, most of the time she told him whether he needed to know or not; she and Daniel were good like that. And he meant ‘good’ as in ‘God, please stop’.
And now she was touching the damn thing like it was some skittish animal.
“Carter,” he said, warning.
“It’s fine, sir, it - woah.” She scrambled up, backing away from the menacing look.
“Maybe it doesn’t wanna be opened?” he said, moving to put himself between her and it if it was a threat. His grip tightened on his P-90.
She tapped her radio. “Daniel?” she said. “Need a little help in here.”
Jack gave her an incredulous look. “What’s Daniel going to do, talk it into opening up?”
Actually, that wasn’t a bad idea - that was why most things/people/aliens/blobs did what Daniel asked.
Carter gave him a look that said, Got any better ideas? Thought not, politely appending, Sir, to the end.
A single set of footsteps approached - Daniel. With Teal’c, who appraised the box unflappably.
Daniel flapped, as per, firing off a dozen questions at Carter that Jack neither understood nor cared to understand, thank you for offering anyway, then walked towards the Box slowly.
“Daniel,” he said, placing his hand on his chest. “You?” He mimed at the Box.
The Box regarded Daniel with an inscrutable look that would have done Teal’c proud. Or maybe it was looking at him as if he were an idiot - Jack had problems telling those two apart in Teal’c, too.
“It does not appear to have the necessary equipment, Daniel Jackson,” Teal’c observed. “Although it does appear to have some understanding of the situation.”
Jack looked at the Box. “Care to enlighten the rest of us?”
Apparently not. Teal’c gave Jack a look. Jack shrugged.
“Daniel,” he said, as Daniel edged closer. “It tried to bite Carter.”
“Jack, don’t be ridiculous - it doesn’t have any teeth, so it couldn’t bite if it wanted to. What’s it going to do - run into my leg?”
“That hurts. Have you ever run into furniture in the middle of the night?” Jack demanded.
Daniel looked at him curiously. “When have you?”
Sara’s dad had been a little uptight, the sneaking had been fun; but this was neither the time nor place. “Just….” Jack warned.
“I am,” protested Daniel.
“Good! Can you get into it?”
“The locks appear to be very similar to Earth design, even though it’s a metal I don’t recognise - I’m not a metallurgist, though,” Daniel said, talking out loud. “Don’t recognise the wood, either.”
“Could you blast them open?”
Daniel looked horrified; the box cowered behind him. “It might be intelligent,” he protested.
“That’s what we said about Kinsey!”
“The box is a far more satisfactory companion than Senator Kinsey,” Teal’c pointed out. “It has yet to attempt unprovoked harm on any of us.”
Jack glared, and Teal’c gave him the eyebrow.
Damn the eyebrow.
“Daniel,” he said, switching from a battle he was sure to lose to one he was only probably going to lose, “if you don’t get that thing open, I swear, I’ll blast it.”
There was a quietly audible click.
“Sentient, sapient, you name it,” Daniel said triumphantly. “You can’t kill an innocent living thing, Jack, not for being scared.”
“Wanna bet?”
“At this moment, yes.”
“Are you gonna lift the lid on that thing, or not?” Jack took a step toward it, and the Box backed away.
Daniel patted it reassuringly. “His bark’s worse than his bite,” he said reassuringly, then gingerly - with a highly necessary creak - heaved the lid open.
SG-1 stared, as one.
“Oranges,” Daniel said, wonderingly. “They must have been carried to whatever planet this Box came from - or perhaps the warmer climates of this one - and it must be a storage facility.”
“Daniel,” Jack said, interrupting,”they say, ‘Half price sale’ on ‘em.”
Daniel visibly deflated, then eyes wide, scrambled for his gun.
Jack spun around, to see a very tall, skinny… whatever. There was someone in the room. Who wore a lot of black. And had a scythe, which he propped up against the wall.
The figure gave them a nod of acknowledgement, then looked at the Box, which snapped its lid shut, guiltily.
OH, DEAR, the figure said. APOLOGIES FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.
“No worries,” Jack said.
The figure looked at him quizzically. I BELIEVE THERE ARE MANY, EVEN AMONGST ONLY YOUR SPEC- AH. SLANG.
“It is most confusing at first,” acknowledged Teal’c, and hey, whose side was he on?
The figure bent down, and opened the Box, retrieving an orange kitten.
“More of a dog person, really,” Jack said, mind balking at what he’d just seen. In the corner of his eye, Carter was having kittens. Figuratively speaking.
The figure gave him an icy stare. Really, really icy.
“I had a cat,” Carter said, finding her voice, even if only to babble. “He was called Schröedinger.
AN INTERESTING NAME. I PREFER… FLUFFY. The kitten meowed in agreement.
“Schröedinger was an Earth scientist who postulated that observing something fixed it as one outcome. For example, if you put a cat in a steel box, with a radioactive substance, then only the act of looking would determine whether the cat was alive or dead.”
I AM EVERYWHERE; I WOULD KNOW. BUT I WOULD NOT PUT A CAT IN A BOX.
There was a pause.
I WOULD, HOWEVER, APPRECIATE MEETING THOSE WHO WOULD.
He gave them all a sweeping glance that seemed, frankly, agitated, then clicked his fingers. The Box sprang up.
I THINK IT BEST THAT WE LEAVE, he said, looking at Carter like she’d stuffed that damn cat in the box with her bare hands, then handfed it plutonium. DOCTOR JACKSON, I TRUST WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON, he said, then swept out of the room, taking his scythe, the kitten and the Box with him.
Daniel gaped at the figure; Jack, Carter and Teal’c stared at Daniel.
“I have no idea!”