On Days When I Cry (1/1)
(Please Tell Me you'll be There) Onew/key, Angst, Romance, ♫ ► first time - the script (first time - lifehouse)
1.
Kibum was the first one to see Jinki crying. The slight opening of the door was his only way of seeing and hearing him so (Jinki must've left it open in a rush).
He was in the bathroom with his head in his arms and he was a mess on the floor and he also looked tired, so tired of all the pressure and expectations.
Kibum heard all of his silent whimpers echo against the stained white tiles, as stained as his face with tears.
He figured it was a trainee-thing.
They all had their own share of pre-debut angst, when they felt like the world shook beneath their feet, when the world seemed to be too cold and too distant, when they had no one to lean on yet it always felt like they were falling endlessly in a black hole.
But when it continued until the next busy weeks, until it was announced that they were finally going to debut - as a group of five teens - and Jinki still cried with his head in his hands, sometimes with his hands covering his mouth, afraid of having any sounds loud enough to give suspicion.
Kibum knew he had to stay strong for him.
2.
After the last (and the longest, so far) encounter with Jinki crying in the bathroom came the busy days of the preparation of their debut. Jinki was decided to be the leader, and when Kibum immediately saw the flash of expected fear in his eyes, he was so sure that he would, once again, seek the bathroom for refuge.
(And he was right as he spent almost three hours hiding in the dark, waiting for Jinki to safely come out. Only when he did come out wearing the same mask he had put on so much did Kibum had noticed that he needed sleep in his system.)
3.
They were given stage names, Jinki and him. They said that their names were too common, too country-sided.
Jinki became Onew, and he became Key.
He said it once, testing how it tasted on his lips. Metallic, just like how a key would.
He, later on, decided that it wasn't any better than Kibum but if that was what the public liked, then he wouldn't complain. Not after he had given this path so much of his time, tears and blood.
(But he was worried on how Jinki seemed to like this 'Onew' character more than he should, more than he loved himself. He was afraid of losing Jinki in the midst of getting to know Onew.)
4.
Their debut was far more than what they'd expected. Everybody loved them, who wouldn't when they had a magnae as cute as Taemin, a vocal as strong as Jonghyun, a rapper as charismatic as Minho, and a leader as charming as Onew?
That didn't stop them from not getting awkward with each other, though.
Sharing a room with four people you barely knew wasn't easy, Kibum knew that but he tried his best to be an understanding member and soon enough people recognized him as someone who they could count on. Taemin went to him when he wanted food, Jonghyun came to him when he wanted affection, Minho went to him when he wanted silence. It was nice, and people seemed to like it.
(But sometimes, Kibum would still hear Jinki's muffled sobs coming from their bathroom. He would hear Jinki say ridiculous things, like something about not being a great leader, about not being a good singer. He would also hear him say how he had no one to talk to, no one to confide in and Kibum had always wondered why was it always like that. How the ones you wanted to come to you were the ones you repelled.)
5.
Jinki's crying lessened - only dashing for the door the moment he had slipped, making the other members stop and worry but he always brushed them off with a too-happy-to-be-real smile - and Kibum only had to stay awake during nights whenever he had made a mistake. But it didn't mean that Jinki stopped hurting, he knew as much as that.
6.
It was after a year of their debut that Kibum had the courage to talk to Jinki.
Sure, they interacted on air or during practices, but they were Onew and Key then. There was a fine line between who they were on air and who they were backstage.
He remembered the first thing he had said to Jinki was, "Hyung, do you need your laundry washed?"
And Jinki had been so surprised, so confused then. But he smiled - Kibum was glad it wasn't his Onew smile - and shook his head, saying he got it himself.
Short everyday questions like that, like "How are you today, hyung?" or "Do you want morning coffee with your toast, hyung" turned into late night conversations of them talking about their future, their old life (if anything had been old, because as much as Kibum could remember, he had been a trainee ever since), and their secrets.
Kibum was glad that Jinki was opening up to him now, and he was more than glad when he had invited him to watch a movie with him. It didn't matter if it was a really boring movie, or if the movie had not enough good looking actors. He was just glad that he had finally become someone Jinki wanted to count on.
(And that he had spent more than half of the movie time looking at Jinki instead.)
7.
What Kibum didn't like, though, was having to share.
Two years after debut and it was expected that everyone of them in the group had been already used to having each other, they were actually comfortable with each other now. Jonghyun borrowed Kibum's socks as much as he wanted to, and Taemin even woke them up during midnight when he was hungry (although an incident between him and Minho had taken them back to the awkward phase) he could still tell that they finally had this whole 'being a group' thing going.
Jinki, too, had become much more comfortable with them and didn't stiffen when Jonghyun would cuddle with him on the couch, slipping a foot under his legs or when Taemin would use his aegyo to his contents, batting eyelashes at Jinki for laughs, or when Minho would silently appear beside him, only talking when needed.
Kibum disliked the idea of sharing so much that he didn't realize that he was, for the second time in his life, repelling the person he had wanted.
(But he never stopped waiting until Jinki was asleep, until he was sure that he wouldn't go out and spend half of the night in the bathroom.)
8.
Key, he thought, was as ironic as it was.
He was supposed to open locks, doors and hearts. What was the purpose of being called Key when you couldn't serve your purpose?
Because you're not Key right now, a voice spoke in his mind. You are Kibum and he is Jinki.
It was midnight and he was still awake, listening to the soft whistles and slow breathing of the people asleep. He was awake because today, it came back. He shifted in his bed, now facing the lump of body in the bed beside his. Right.
They had a live performance earlier, and they weren't lip-syncing (because everyone hated that) but Jinki, his voice cracked in the middle of reaching a high note.
Onew smiled at the people, danced on the stage and continued to perform but as soon as they were off, as soon as they got off of their van and stepped in their dorm, Jinki excused himself.
Kibum knew he didn't need any comfort now, Jinki was clumsy, not stupid and no words like "It's okay, you were amazing" or "you did your best" could console his feelings.
(He was already past the stage where he fooled himself with words, and that much Kibum knew.)
9.
Not so long after, Kibum knew that the other members were starting to catch up.
They took extra care of their leader. Jonghyun always made sure to keep him company, Taemin also acted cute more often to him, calling him "hyung" in adorable tones and voices, Minho, too, spoke up much more often that he did ever since. All of them changed, except for Kibum.
Or you could say he also changed.
("Hyung, why are you always getting it wrong?" He stared at Jinki's fear stricken face as he, once again, made the wrong step and had stumbled on his legs, and he was so sure that his mere 'stare' came off as a glare as he only smiled at him - and it was Onew's smile - saying "I'm sorry, Kibum-ah.")
10.
Some time after that, Kibum stopped waiting for Jinki to calm down. He never asked Jinki morning questions like how he did, a year ago. He also never slowed down, ignoring the sound of clumsy feet trying hard to catch up with him.
(He vaguely remembered thinking of Jinki losing to Onew, but instead, he, who had thought of being strong for Jinki, drowned in Key.)
The members started to look at him with some sort of hidden disgust, and even Minho, who never really showed any emotion, once frowned at him (When he had roughly placed a cup of milk in front of Jinki whilst eating their breakfast, the liquid substance sloshed around, and he saw Onew's smile then).
It would've been okay, because Jinki was starting to recover. He was starting to see more things Kibum wasn't, like how he and Joon of MBLAQ became friends, or Junhyung from BEAST. Kibum also found other friends, he had lots of them from different idol groups.
But then he started to crave for something real.
Jinki, instead of Onew and Kibum, instead of Key.
Because Jinki was this boy who was afraid of failure, but when he smiled it had always been bright like the sun.
Because Kibum was this boy who was never that confident in himself, but when he did something it was always something he had to be proud of.
A fine line between two different worlds, indeed.
11.
It was only when a Monday came, a day where Jonghyun, Taemin and Minho had individual schedules while Kibum and Jinki were left in the dorm, that he had another chance to talk to Jinki.
The three left with their eyes held steady on Kibum, like they were saying "Be careful" or "Please don't mess it up".
Kibum didn't have the courage to look back.
It was that day's afternoon that Kibum had just come out of the kitchen, that he had bumped against Jinki. He looked down and saw a basket full of dirty clothes.
"Laundry?" His voice was crisp, hanging on air.
"Yeah," Jinki answered, not too much of an answer, it only came as a hum to Kibum's ears.
And he couldn't stop himself then, because he already had kept in too much and that his cup of emotions inside him was already filled to the brim, "Hyung, you cried in your sleep."
Jinki wasn't so surprised as he had expected, he settled the basket on the ground as gently as he could with trembling hands. And then it was Onew's smile, but Jinki's glass eyes in front of him, "Yeah, and you stopped caring."
12.
Life is pretty much like a ribbon. It can be in any color - red, blue, green, yellow, white, you name it, and it can be in any length.
Like a ribbon, you can tie it to become pretty with delicate knots, like a decoration. Or you can tie it like a string, with a lot of knots but it would be enough to hold something together.
But it could also turn into a mess. The knots would be hard to remove, and they are never straight, always crumpled, when you've removed the knots. Sometimes in bad cases, the knots get smaller and tighter that you can't remove it by yourself. You have to cut it.
And it seems like, Kibum decides, that their lives, Jinki and his, were two ribbons threaded together.
Inevitable.
He has Jinki sprawled beside him, hours after hours. The members are yet to return, but he doesn't care.
"Hyung, you cried in your sleep," he says, breaking the silence, "and I'm sorry I stopped caring after a while."
"It's okay," it is bitter, Kibum can taste it, "I'm sure no one could've stayed with me longer than you had anyway."
"It wasn't like that," He starts. I had my selfish side get the better of me, He wants to say but he doesn't. It takes him a little longer to come up with something. "Have you always left the door open for me?"
"Always," but he shrugs, their shoulders touching, "It wasn't like I wanted you to pity me, in fact, you can't be sorry for me. But your presence there, outside the door just waiting, I guess I felt like it was enough to keep me from killing myself."
Kibum thinks tears prick his eyes because he can't imagine Jinki contemplating on whether to kill himself or not.
"But then you stopped caring and then, I don't know," he closes his eyes at this, a wistful - very Jinki - smile graces his lips, "made things harder for me than they already were."
"I'm sorry, hyung," and guilt washes over him like how waves wash on seashores, "I wasn't, I hadn't been thinking right. I was being selfish, I'm, I'm sorry,"
"I told you you can't be sorry for me," and then he makes a move to leave, the bed squeaks. Kibum latches a hand on his wrist within a split second.
"I've, ever since before our debut, hyung," he starts, but he doesn't finish it.
A loud thud is heard, it is Jinki.
Because Kibum has just pulled him back to the bed and he inches his face closer to his and it doesn't surprise him that much when he reaches for his lips, hands loosening around his wrist and they travel up to tangle themselves in Jinki's hair.
They don't move, really. They don't have their eyes closed, either.
They are staring at each other, and it isn't that much longer until Jinki's arms find their way around Kibum's waist.
"I'll stay, hyung," Kibum hesitates to pull back, but when he does so, it is only enough space for them to speak. "I won't ever stop caring again, and I'll stay."
"I'm glad," There is glass in Jinki's eyes, ready to break and he cries, but the glass breaking doesn't make him bleed, "And I'll make sure to leave the door open enough for you to come in."
"I won't need you to leave it open, though," he presses their foreheads together, "because I am the key, remember."
And Jinki's laugh is something that would open more gates than Kibum's key can. Well, at least it opens up the gates to his heaven.
He presses another kiss against Jinki's lips, "And promise me, we'll always be Kibum and Jinki."
"That's you and me," Kibum thinks no words can ever be more of assurance than that.
✈ 2550 words
a/n: I am worse than Kpop. I change from fluff and crack to angst and drama. Oh