Wedding Pics. A Prayer To Thor And The Unitini.
So here I am at a wedding. In this photo, it appears that I'm marrying the lucky gentleman on the right. But it's even crazier than that - I'm performing the ceremony. So where's the damn bride?
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Here she is. She was the one who asked me back in '05 if I'd do this for her and her fiance. I agreed, but kept thinking that at some point during that long period of time before the wedding, they'd smack themselves in the head and say, "Holy shit! What the fuck are we thinking?" Then they'd hire a professional wedding guy. Or at least a guy who believed in marriage. But they stuck with me, and here we all were on a sunny Saturday afternoon.
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One of the things I'd assumed from their asking me to perform the wedding was that they didn't want a typical ceremony. So I tried to make it ... different. While I held back from sacrificing a live eagle by biting its head off, I did try to make it at least memorable. So that they could look back twenty years from now and still gnash their teeth in anger. For instance, I began my greeting by saying, "A wise man once said, 'Marriage is for idiots.'"
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Although I became an ordained reverend via the ULC, I decided to make a prayer to Thor - the god of thunder, a founding member of the Avengers, and the guy they named Thursday after. The "reasoning" behind this was because the bride and groom came from different religious backgrounds, so the logical choice for me was to go with a neutral religion. A neutral religion with giant hats, like Norse mythology.
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"... We pray that you smite their enemies, scatter their livestock, and bring drought to their crops."
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"... And, finally, Thor we ask that you bless her fertile loins so that it may sprout sons who will grow up to be strong and powerful warriors, and daughters who will blossom into virtuous and beautiful maidens." (PS, I am not checking out her rack.)
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The bride and groom also wanted to do something else besides a Unity Candle ceremony, so I suggested a Unity Martini - or as I called it, a Unitini. Before all of you start wondering why there's no Goose, the Ketel is the groom's choice of vodka.
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The venue was interesting. It was a large art gallery in Laguna Beach. The giant playing cards on the tables have something to do with the wedding's theme, Wonderland. When I found out about the theme, I came this close to performing the ceremony in a white rabbit suit.
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The bride's favorite color was bright pink, so everything was that color: the bridesmaids' dresses, the flowers, the chocolate flowing out of this fountain, and - thanks to the open bar - half of the guests' faces.
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The groom played a song on the saxophone that he'd composed for his new wife. I posted this particular photo because he looks like a hologram. After the stirring performance, the hologram gave me plans to destroy the Death Star.
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Did I mention that the bridesmaids' dresses were pink?
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Turns out I wasn't the only one wearing a ridiculous hat. Because of the Wonderland theme, the DJ became the Mad Hatter. Here I am, answering a phone call from my twin brother Flavor Flav.
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The groom's father takes a short break from strangling me to take this quick pic.
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The Viking helmet turned out to be pretty popular. If I ever perform a wedding ceremony again, I'm going to wear an astronaut suit or a mink cape.
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