Request Fill 18: Sticks and Stones, in TBoPE/LAWG 'verse
Title: Sticks and Stones
Author: Caera1996
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: G
W/C: 4,860
Summary/Notes: Outofthesun has been waiting for MONTHS for this. SO sorry for the delay…I hope it was worth the wait. This is a Request Fill in TBoPE/LAWG ‘verse. It can be read as a standalone, however. The request was: Something with Joanna dealing with bullying. How do Jim and Bones react, what do they do to help her?
Joanna headed down the hallway, her arms full of books that she couldn’t fit in her backpack. Her mind was elsewhere as she navigated the halls, trying to get to her locker.
“Diction, visual imagery, characterization. Symbolic nature of the way Mac is described, the way the Chinese storekeeper is described…” Joanna mumbled to herself, going over the points she wanted to hit in the essay she had next period. Getting to her locker, she put her books down on the floor in front of her and quickly worked the combination, so focused on what was in her head and what she was doing that she didn’t notice the kids hanging out at the bottom of the stairs next to her.
“Look, she won’t talk to anyone else, but she talks to herself,” one girl said.
“What a freak.”
Catching that, Joanna fumbled a book and it fell to the ground. Flushing, aware now that there were critical eyes on her, she bent to pick it up. The girls giggled, and though she knew they might not be laughing at her, she just couldn’t look over at them to check. Keeping her eyes on what she was doing, she quickly shoved the books she didn’t need into her locker. When she was finished, she shut the door and secured it with the combination lock.
“Hey…Joanna,” one of the kids addressed her directly. Jo contemplated ignoring them and just walking by, but that might just draw more of their ire.
“Yes?” she asked, stopping but pulling out her phone, and keeping her eyes on it. There was nothing to really see, but it made her look busy and she didn’t have to look at them.
“So, I was wondering…where’d you get your sweater?”
“Oh, um…” she looked up briefly, meeting the eyes of the two girls and boy who usually didn’t talk to her at all. “I - I’m not sure…I’ve had it for a while.”
“Since elementary school, right?” a girl with long, straight blonde hair asked, her eyebrows raised. “It looks like something a ten year old would wear.”
The kids chuckled, and Joanna flushed. Lowering her eyes, she turned to go.
“Hey…you gotta boyfriend?” the boy called after her. Joanna didn’t respond at all. She just kept her eyes on the floor as she hurried away.
“Who’d want to date a baby?” she heard someone say.
“Hey…I’ll be your boyfriend if you do my homework!”
“Maybe she’s gay…Are you gay like your dad and his boyfriend? Are you a lezbo?”
That last parting shot made her cringe, and she had to swallow hard against the anger that built in her chest. Engaging them wouldn’t help.
Coming to the girls’ bathroom, she pulled the door open and quickly found an empty stall. Taking her backpack off, she hung it on the hook and took a moment to compose herself. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed some tissue paper and blotted her eyes.
They don’t matter. None of them matter. she said to herself. A couple of deep breaths later, the warning bell rang, making her jump. She had sixty seconds to get to her next class or she would be marked tardy.
Exiting the stall, she quickly made her way to the classroom, which wasn’t far, luckily, and she was able to slide into her seat just as the final bell rang. Pushing everything else away, she took out a few sheets of paper and got ready to write the response to the final essay exam on Cannery Row. No matter what else, she knew she could write an awesome essay.
After Mrs. Hardy quickly took attendance, she put up the final essay questions that the students were to choose from. She’d given them all a vague idea of what the questions might cover so that they could prepare themselves to pull information from the novel itself to support their answers. Although she’d never admit this to anyone, Joanna loved open-ended essay questions the way Mrs. Hardy presented them.
“Remember,” the teacher said as her students started to get to work. “It doesn’t necessarily matter if I agree with you. What matters more is how you use the text to support your assertions.”
It was a new experience for Jo, to be given that kind of freedom in a test, and she excelled at writing essay responses that weren’t simple regurgitation. The classroom was quiet except for the scratch of seventeen pens on paper, and the sound of pages turning, and Joanna lost herself in the world and characters Steinbeck created in Cannery Row. Writing quickly, but neatly (Mrs. Hardy took points off for illegibility), she worked right up until the bell.
Her pages in hand, she waited her turn to staple them and hand them in. Mrs. Hardy gave her a smile as she turned in her pages on her way out the door.
“I’m looking forward to reading this, Joanna,” she said.
The teacher meant it kindly, but she didn’t say that to anyone else, and she caught sight of one of her older classmates rolling her eyes. Joanna just gave the teacher a small smile and hurried out of the room, her books clasped tightly in her arms. Despite the pride she felt in what she knew was an essay well-written, she felt down…overwhelmed, a little sad, and mostly lonely.
Her father and her oide had warned her that this was going to be hard. But she’d insisted that she could handle it. Now, though, as she made her way to the cafeteria and faced another lunch alone with her nose in a book, she wasn’t so sure.
The rest of the day passed slowly. She had P.E. after lunch, then a specially-designated free period after that. Generally she used that free period to work at her favorite table in the library. Sometimes she’d just pick a book to read for fun. Sometimes she’d visit one of her teachers who had a planning period and ask the questions she couldn’t make herself ask during class. This was one of the reasons she loved this program and this school. There was a flexibility allowed to students that just couldn’t and didn’t exist in other schools. And although she was only a freshman, because of the classes she was in she had some of the privileges of the upperclassmen. Including the free period.
Today, feeling tired and just…done…in a way that she’d not experienced before, she decided that she was going to go home early. Joanna didn’t really know if that was allowed…was pretty sure it wasn’t… but she didn’t care. She walked right out of the front doors of the school, and no one said anything. She smiled to herself…Janie, who was always telling her she was “and I say this with all the love, such a goody two-shoes,” would be proud.
As she did every afternoon, she walked the two blocks to the bus stop. This particular route ran every forty-five minutes, and she had a little while before the bus got there. Normally she sat on the bench and pulled out a book. Today, though, she just wasn’t feeling like reading. Sitting down heavily, she allowed her backpack to hit the ground with a thud. She sighed, wondering if was going to be like this her whole life. Wondering if she was always going to be on the outside, separated by age and her own social ineptness even if she was smart enough to keep up with the older kids. Wondering if she’d made a mistake. Wondering if she should’ve done what her father and oide had suggested and agreed to homeschooling.
Tears flooded her eyes and spilled down her cheeks when she blinked. It wasn’t what she’d wanted. But maybe they were right. She sniffed and wiped her cheeks with her hands. Maybe she would talk to them tonight. But it felt so much like giving up, though, and she hated that.
By the time she got home, she was no more decided about what to do. Walking up to the driveway, she saw, to her relief, that neither car was in the driveway. She hadn’t necessarily expected either of her parents to be there, but they both had somewhat variable schedules and she’d been so wrapped up in her own misery she hadn’t bothered to come up with a cover story for being home so early. She let herself in the house and detoured to the kitchen to get something to drink, then headed upstairs to her room, still feeling sad and confused about what to do…how to handle this.
A while later, Leonard let himself into the house, a couple of grocery bags in his arms. Jim wasn’t home yet, and though he expected Joanna would be, the house seemed quiet. Taking a minute to put the perishables away, he then moved through the house and climbed the stairs.
“Jo? Ya home Baby?” he called.
“I’m here,” Joanna replied. She opened her bedroom door as her father was coming down the hall.
“Hi Darlin’…what’s…” he started to ask when he got a look at her face. She looked as if she’d been crying. Joanna slipped into his arms and pressed her face against him. “Oh, Baby…what’s the matter?” he asked, concerned to find her so upset. He gently stroked her back and cupped her head as they stood there.
After a couple of moments, she sniffed and pulled away. She looked up at her father and then away again, embarrassed by her tears.
“I need to talk to you. And Oide. Is he home?”
Leonard frowned. “Not yet. But I think he’ll be home soon. What’s wrong? Is…is it something at school?”
She sighed deeply, and Leonard heard the sadness in it, and it broke his heart a little. He hated to see his baby girl so unhappy.
“Yeah,” she admitted quietly.
Leonard pressed his lips together and drew her back into another hug, holding her against him. “Okay, Baby. We’ll talk. Let me just go get out of this suit.”
Joanna nodded and Leonard headed to his room, worry settling like a heavy ball right in the center of him. Once in his room, he pulled out his cellphone and called Jim.
“Hey Bones, I’m just turning down the street,” Jim said.
“Oh, good. Something’s up with Jo, and she wants to talk to both of us. I’m home, just changing, and I just wanted to make sure you were on your way.”
“What’s the matter?” Jim asked. “Did she say at all?”
“No, just that it was about school.”
“Okay, well, I’m pulling around the corner. Be there in thirty seconds.”
They disconnected, and Leonard finished changing, throwing on jeans and a t-shirt. He was passing Jo’s empty room as he heard the front door open, and Jim greeted Joanna, who had taken a seat in the family room, as he hurried down the stairs.
“Okay Baby, what’s up?” Leonard asked, once they were all settled in the family room.
Jim intently observed Jo, taking in her body language as they waited for her to speak. She was sitting in a corner of the couch, her legs pulled up to her chest and one of her clenched hands held a couple of tissues. She looked tense, and closed off, and she wasn’t looking at them, focusing her gaze on her knees.
And Jim’s heart sank. He recognized that look.
“I was thinking…would it be too late for me to switch to homeschooling?” she asked, her voice wavering.
Leonard frowned, exchanging a glance with Jim.
“Is that what you want?” Leonard asked.
Jo’s eyes filled with tears, and she blinked, spilling them down her cheeks. She took a deep breath and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
“Not really,” she admitted. “I just…wondered if it was still possible.”
“It’s still possible, Jo,” Jim said. “That’s something we could arrange pretty much any time. But…” he glanced at Leonard. “We’re wondering why?”
Joanna bit her lip and shook her head. “It’s just…a lot harder than I thought it would be,” she admitted. “Some of the kids say…things. They…make fun of me.”
“What kind of things?” Leonard asked, anger on his daughter’s behalf starting to rise in his chest. He saw Jim glance at him in warning and he did his best to take a breath and calm down. “I mean…you don’t have to tell us,” he backtracked. “I just want to make sure it’s nothing...” sexual, particularly cruel, pushing you to do something you aren’t ready for “…harassing,” he finally settled on.
“I don’t mind telling you, Daddy.” She sighed. “Usually it’s about my clothes, or they call me a baby…today they asked me if I was…” she flushed, looking away from them. “If I’m going to be...like you.”
“Like us,” Jim repeated. “Gay.”
Silently, Joanna nodded. Jim and Leonard exchanged glances again. They’d come against this before, and Jo had already hit the age where discussing sexuality with her parents was embarrassing for her. And though it seemed like such a ridiculous insult, Jim knew that being called “gay” by classmates was a major issue for a lot of kids, no matter what their orientation.
Leonard sighed and reached out to her. She went to him easily, and he held her for a couple of moments while Leonard and Jim looked at each other over her head. Although this was Jim’s area of expertise, it seemed so much harder when you were talking to your own kid.
“I’m sorry the kids are giving you a hard time, Darlin’,” Leonard murmured.
Jim settled a hand on her back, and she turned her head on Leonard’s shoulder to look at him. “Jo, I wish I had something to say that would just make everything better, but it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes people are cruel, just because they can be. And though you can’t control what they say, you do have control over how you react. And you have choices here…we can set up the homeschooling easily, if that’s what you decide. Or…maybe you can push yourself to open up to others a little more, maybe make a friend so that you don’t feel so alone.”
“I don’t know how to make friends,” she said, her voice catching.
Leonard stroked her hair, and Jim smiled at her slightly, tilting his head. “Now, you know that’s not true. You actually have a lot of friends…they just don’t go to school with you. But, sweetie, I know you. You’re a nice girl, and you’re more than just your grades and your classwork, and I bet if you let some other kids see that, they’ll start to see you for you.”
Jo pulled away and Leonard let go. She wiped her cheeks again, and took a deep breath, thinking about everything her oide had said. It sounded so simple, but to actually do it was so hard. Being “closed” was comfortable and easy…but she was self-aware enough to know that it also could be very lonely.
But what oide said made sense. Not everyone was mean to her. Really it was just that one group…and they were mean to a lot of people. Mostly the other students she shared classes with just ignored her. But, she had to admit, she ignored them, too.
“What are you thinking about, Darlin’?” Leonard asked quietly into the silence.
Jo looked up, refocusing her gaze on the concerned faces of her parents. “I need to think about everything,” she said. “I don’t really want to do homeschooling…I actually love the school program, and I know how hard it was to get me in there, and I just don’t want to waste this opportunity over something that is actually kinda stupid.”
“And that’s a very mature take on things, and something I’m not surprised to hear you say,” Leonard said. “But we’re proud of you no matter what, and you’re going to do great no matter what type of academic program you’re in, Darlin’, and your happiness is just as important as everything else. You keep that in mind, okay?”
“Yeah, I will. I feel better about things for now, but I still just want to think about it,” she said. She leaned in to hug her father and then Jim. “Thanks for…everything.”
“Of course, Darlin’,” Leonard said, hugging her back.
“Anytime, kiddo. We’re always here for you.”
Joanna smiled and stood, and Leonard was relieved to see that she did actually seem to be back to her usual self.
“Thanks. I just need some time to myself for a little while, so I’m gonna go upstairs.”
“Okay, Jo. We’re going to get dinner started. We’ll call you in a few,” Jim said.
They watched as she headed up the stairs, and then heard her door click closed. They looked at each other, and Leonard leaned back against the couch, all of the anger he was feeling and keeping under wraps rising in him again.
“Those little shits,” he said, and Jim gave him a small, sympathetic smile.
“We knew it wasn’t going to be easy for her,” he said. “But I don’t think we have to worry too much yet. She’s talking to us, I feel like she’s being honest with us…” he paused as Leonard nodded in agreement. “…and she knows she has viable options here.”
“Is there anything you can do?” Leonard asked, referring to Jim’s expertise and current position as a specialized school psychologist.
Jim nodded. “I can talk to the guidance counselor assigned to her, just to give her a head’s up. Beyond that…I don’t think we should get involved yet. And maybe especially not me. As one of her parents, I shouldn’t be the one to do anything on campus. It won’t make things better for her.”
“Yeah, good point. Nothin’ worse than having your parents butt in,” Leonard agreed. He stood, reaching a hand down towards Jim. He took it and Leonard pulled him to his feet. “C’mon…let’s get dinner started.”
Together, they headed towards the kitchen and Leonard started pulling various ingredients out of the refrigerator.
“I have an idea, Bones,” Jim said a few moments later. Leonard glanced at him as Jim pulled out a pan and put it down on the stovetop. “But I’m not sure how Jo’ll feel about it.”
Leonard peered at Jim, pausing in what he was doing. “Yeah? Well, let’s hear it.”
“Ok…how about calling Kimmie?”
Jim waited while Leonard mulled that over. Kimmie was Janie’s older sister…she was a senior in high school this year. They were, for all intents and purposes, Jo’s cousins. Jim’s brother Sam, his wife Aurelan, and their girls were an integral part of Jo’s family life, as she was in theirs.
“To...what? Give Joanna make-up tips?”
Jim shook his head with a smile. “No, I know how you feel about make-up. But maybe she can, I don’t know…take her shopping? I know it seems like a small, stupid thing, but Jo said they were calling her a baby and teasing her about her clothes. Maybe Kimmie can help her a little with that.”
“I don’t know, Jim. I’m not sure if I want to reinforce the idea that clothes matter.”
Jim shook his head. “It’s not about the clothes, Bones. It’s about helping Jo fit in a little more. Not wearing a dress with butterflies on it with socks and sneakers might help. And she already thinks clothes matter. She just doesn’t know what to do about it.”
“What makes you say that?”
“How much time did we spend on before-school clothes shopping this year?” Jim asked.
Leonard remained quiet, getting Jim’s point. They’d spent almost no time on it. Joanna had everything she needed, for sure. More than, even. But they didn’t do a specific shopping trip like Aurelan did with her girls. And having that pointed out to him made him feel like a total ass.
“Why didn’t you say something?” Leonard asked quietly.
“I didn’t think of it either,” Jim admitted. “I mean, we got things over the summer, she just got a few new pairs of shoes, we cleared her drawers and closet of what didn’t fit her any more, and she has plenty of clothes. But they’re all for a younger kid. And she is a younger kid, but she’s in a high school program. Maybe Kimmie can help her look the part, and maybe that’ll make her feel better about herself. Give her a little more confidence to open up and make some friends.”
Leonard nodded, a frown on his face as he chopped vegetables. “You think Jo will agree?”
“Oh, I don’t think we should tell Jo at all. I think we should call Kimmie, explain the situation, and ask her to come spend some time with her tomorrow. Maybe take her shopping.”
They worked in silence for few minutes as Leonard thought about everything Jim had said. It all made sense, and while he wasn’t thrilled with the idea that Joanna should try to fit in with something as stupid as clothing, he supposed it was something he couldn’t really understand. Most of the time Leonard felt like he and Jim could provide Joanna with everything she needed to grow up happy and healthy. But sometimes, in some situations, he recognized that he missed the mark. Aurelan would never have let this happen to her daughters.
“What do you think?” Jim asked after a couple of minutes.
Leonard nodded. “Yeah, let’s call her.”
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Joanna jumped when the door to her bedroom flew open and she gasped in surprise.
“Hey Jo! Get dressed. Put on your shoes. We’re going out.”
“Holy crap, Kimmie! You scared me to death!” Jo exclaimed. She watched as Kimmie moved through her room as if it were her own, pulling out a different shirt and some sandals from her closet. “And, uh…hi. And what?”
Kim looked at the younger girl she’d come to think of as her cousin. And they were cousins. When they were younger, they were pretty good friends, too. Not as good a friend as Janie was, but still friends. She smiled slightly at Jo and perched on the edge of her bed.
“I’ve decided that you need help. You might be the youngest freshman in that school for gifted geeks of yours, but that’s no excuse for looking like you’re still in middle school. So come on!” She grasped one of Jo’s hands and pulled. But Jo resisted, pulling back.
“You decided?” she asked, feeling simultaneously embarrassed and a little annoyed…and cautiously interested. “Yeah, right. Oide called you, didn’t he? Does my dad know?”
“Jo…of course your dad knows. Why does it matter? Let’s go get you some new stuff. Uncle Len gave me his card, and permission to use it. So come on!”
Jo made no move to get up though, and pulled her knees to her chest. “I don’t know Kimmie. I…it’s not that I don’t appreciate your help…but I don’t think I want to change who I am for some stupid kids.”
Kim shook her head, and looked at Jo seriously. “It isn’t about changing who you are. I would never want to do that…I think who you are is pretty damn amazing. The fact that you can put up with Janie is impressive by itself.” She paused and smiled when Jo chuckled. “And it’s not changing who you are to update your look a little. I’m not talking a make-over here, Jo. But maybe it’s time to replace some items like…”
“Like a sweater I’ve had for two years?”
Kim smiled. “Exactly. Just a few things…and maybe, if you want them, a couple of suggestions on how to handle that curly mop of hair…and then of course foodcourt lunch and ice cream, cause that’s like…required.”
Joanna sat quietly for a moment, mulling this over, and found that while part of her wanted to shrink in embarrassment from this type of attention, a bigger part of her was warming to the idea quickly. But…
“Is Janie coming with us?” she asked. She loved Janie, but she was pushy. Normally that didn’t bother Jo…she’d learned to handle that…but she didn’t think she wanted to deal with that pressure this time.
“No…just you and me. Okay?”
Jo thought about it for another moment. She’d never done that before…gone shopping or anything with just Kimmie…as if she were a big sister who could help her with girl stuff. Aunt Aurelan was great, but she was an adult…and it just wasn’t the same. “Yeah, okay. Give me just a sec to get dressed.”
“Sure!” Kim said, happy that Jo agreed. She stood to let herself out of the room.
“And Kim…” She paused at the door to look back at Jo. “Thanks.”
“No problem. It’ll be fun, trust me. Meet you downstairs.”
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Jo swallowed hard as she surveyed the cafeteria. Clutching her tray tightly, she made her way to one of the round tables that had a few extra chairs. There were a couple of girls and a boy already there…all kids who shared one or two classes with her. What drew her attention to this table, though, was the girl she was paired with for a history project - Bree. She’d seemed pretty nice, and they were working well together so far.
Half way there, though, her courage faltered. Her heart was galloping in her chest and her stomach felt sick. She was so tempted to put the tray down and flee to the safety and quiet of the library, where no one would bother her and she wouldn’t have to think of things to say. And she nearly did.
But then she thought about what that would mean. Having to do not just this year, but the next three, alone. And it would be her own fault. Oide made a good point when he said she needed to be more open.
Come on Jo, she thought to herself. Just go talk to them.
Somehow, she found herself standing by the table, paralyzed. She wasn’t sure if…
“Hi Joanna,” her history partner said, looking up at her. “Did you want to sit here?”
“Um…y-yes…please…if you don’t mind,” she stammered.
The kids at the table glanced at each other, but moved their stuff to make room for her.
“Plenty of room,” Bree said.
Her legs feeling weak, Jo gratefully sank onto a chair. “Thanks,” she said, keeping her eyes on her tray.
“No problem.”
Conversation happened around her for a few moments, and though Jo listened, she couldn’t bring herself to look up or offer anything. They were talking about favorite movies. Jo loved going to the movies and had quite a few favorites of her own.
“What about you Jo?” Bree asked.
Realizing that Bree was trying to draw her into the conversation, Jo glanced up and found that they were looking at her expectantly, and she flushed.
“Um…well, I, uh, I really liked ‘The Conjuring’,” she admitted hesitantly.
“Oh, me too!” Katie, the other girl at the table, said. “It was so freaky when those hands clapped right by her head. Remember that part?”
They talked about that movie for a few minutes while they ate, Jo adding a couple of points now and then, and slowly feeling like she could relax a little.
“Jo, are you going to eat your cornbread?” the boy, Josh, asked.
“No…help yourself,” Jo replied, pushing her tray towards him.
“Thanks!” he said, stuffing a big piece into his mouth.
“Gross,” Katie said, and Bree giggled. There wasn’t any malice there, though, and Josh just smiled around his full mouth and shrugged.
“I like your shirt, Jo,” Bree said, turning her attention from Josh’s full mouth. “Where’d you get it?”
“Oh…thank you. Charlotte Russe.”
“Oh, I love that store!” Katie exclaimed. “They have the cutest things there.”
Josh made a face. “If you’re going to start talking about clothes, I’m leaving.”
Jo smiled as Katie rolled her eyes. They talked about a couple of other things, and sometimes Jo added to the conversation, but she was quiet for the most part. And, to her surprise, they didn’t seem to mind.
When the bell rang, they all stood, gathering their things.
“Sit with us tomorrow?” Bree asked her.
“Oh…sure. Thanks,” Jo said. “It was…um…it was nice to talk to you.”
The girls nodded and Josh waved her way vaguely as he picked up the remains from his lunch.
“She’s a little weird,” Katie said, as she and Bree headed towards the exit on the other side of the cafeteria. “’It was nice to talk to you’,” she said, repeating Jo. “Who talks like that? So formal?”
“She’s not weird. I think she’s just really shy. Seems nice, though. We should ask her to come to the mall with us Saturday.”
“Yeah, sure.” Katie replied, shrugging. “Whatever.”
Across the cafeteria, Jo looked over her shoulder at the backs of the girls who were heading away from her, towards the rest of their afternoon, and a small smile graced her features.
Maybe she could make this work after all.
.
Author: Caera1996
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: G
W/C: 4,860
Summary/Notes: Outofthesun has been waiting for MONTHS for this. SO sorry for the delay…I hope it was worth the wait. This is a Request Fill in TBoPE/LAWG ‘verse. It can be read as a standalone, however. The request was: Something with Joanna dealing with bullying. How do Jim and Bones react, what do they do to help her?
Joanna headed down the hallway, her arms full of books that she couldn’t fit in her backpack. Her mind was elsewhere as she navigated the halls, trying to get to her locker.
“Diction, visual imagery, characterization. Symbolic nature of the way Mac is described, the way the Chinese storekeeper is described…” Joanna mumbled to herself, going over the points she wanted to hit in the essay she had next period. Getting to her locker, she put her books down on the floor in front of her and quickly worked the combination, so focused on what was in her head and what she was doing that she didn’t notice the kids hanging out at the bottom of the stairs next to her.
“Look, she won’t talk to anyone else, but she talks to herself,” one girl said.
“What a freak.”
Catching that, Joanna fumbled a book and it fell to the ground. Flushing, aware now that there were critical eyes on her, she bent to pick it up. The girls giggled, and though she knew they might not be laughing at her, she just couldn’t look over at them to check. Keeping her eyes on what she was doing, she quickly shoved the books she didn’t need into her locker. When she was finished, she shut the door and secured it with the combination lock.
“Hey…Joanna,” one of the kids addressed her directly. Jo contemplated ignoring them and just walking by, but that might just draw more of their ire.
“Yes?” she asked, stopping but pulling out her phone, and keeping her eyes on it. There was nothing to really see, but it made her look busy and she didn’t have to look at them.
“So, I was wondering…where’d you get your sweater?”
“Oh, um…” she looked up briefly, meeting the eyes of the two girls and boy who usually didn’t talk to her at all. “I - I’m not sure…I’ve had it for a while.”
“Since elementary school, right?” a girl with long, straight blonde hair asked, her eyebrows raised. “It looks like something a ten year old would wear.”
The kids chuckled, and Joanna flushed. Lowering her eyes, she turned to go.
“Hey…you gotta boyfriend?” the boy called after her. Joanna didn’t respond at all. She just kept her eyes on the floor as she hurried away.
“Who’d want to date a baby?” she heard someone say.
“Hey…I’ll be your boyfriend if you do my homework!”
“Maybe she’s gay…Are you gay like your dad and his boyfriend? Are you a lezbo?”
That last parting shot made her cringe, and she had to swallow hard against the anger that built in her chest. Engaging them wouldn’t help.
Coming to the girls’ bathroom, she pulled the door open and quickly found an empty stall. Taking her backpack off, she hung it on the hook and took a moment to compose herself. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed some tissue paper and blotted her eyes.
They don’t matter. None of them matter. she said to herself. A couple of deep breaths later, the warning bell rang, making her jump. She had sixty seconds to get to her next class or she would be marked tardy.
Exiting the stall, she quickly made her way to the classroom, which wasn’t far, luckily, and she was able to slide into her seat just as the final bell rang. Pushing everything else away, she took out a few sheets of paper and got ready to write the response to the final essay exam on Cannery Row. No matter what else, she knew she could write an awesome essay.
After Mrs. Hardy quickly took attendance, she put up the final essay questions that the students were to choose from. She’d given them all a vague idea of what the questions might cover so that they could prepare themselves to pull information from the novel itself to support their answers. Although she’d never admit this to anyone, Joanna loved open-ended essay questions the way Mrs. Hardy presented them.
“Remember,” the teacher said as her students started to get to work. “It doesn’t necessarily matter if I agree with you. What matters more is how you use the text to support your assertions.”
It was a new experience for Jo, to be given that kind of freedom in a test, and she excelled at writing essay responses that weren’t simple regurgitation. The classroom was quiet except for the scratch of seventeen pens on paper, and the sound of pages turning, and Joanna lost herself in the world and characters Steinbeck created in Cannery Row. Writing quickly, but neatly (Mrs. Hardy took points off for illegibility), she worked right up until the bell.
Her pages in hand, she waited her turn to staple them and hand them in. Mrs. Hardy gave her a smile as she turned in her pages on her way out the door.
“I’m looking forward to reading this, Joanna,” she said.
The teacher meant it kindly, but she didn’t say that to anyone else, and she caught sight of one of her older classmates rolling her eyes. Joanna just gave the teacher a small smile and hurried out of the room, her books clasped tightly in her arms. Despite the pride she felt in what she knew was an essay well-written, she felt down…overwhelmed, a little sad, and mostly lonely.
Her father and her oide had warned her that this was going to be hard. But she’d insisted that she could handle it. Now, though, as she made her way to the cafeteria and faced another lunch alone with her nose in a book, she wasn’t so sure.
The rest of the day passed slowly. She had P.E. after lunch, then a specially-designated free period after that. Generally she used that free period to work at her favorite table in the library. Sometimes she’d just pick a book to read for fun. Sometimes she’d visit one of her teachers who had a planning period and ask the questions she couldn’t make herself ask during class. This was one of the reasons she loved this program and this school. There was a flexibility allowed to students that just couldn’t and didn’t exist in other schools. And although she was only a freshman, because of the classes she was in she had some of the privileges of the upperclassmen. Including the free period.
Today, feeling tired and just…done…in a way that she’d not experienced before, she decided that she was going to go home early. Joanna didn’t really know if that was allowed…was pretty sure it wasn’t… but she didn’t care. She walked right out of the front doors of the school, and no one said anything. She smiled to herself…Janie, who was always telling her she was “and I say this with all the love, such a goody two-shoes,” would be proud.
As she did every afternoon, she walked the two blocks to the bus stop. This particular route ran every forty-five minutes, and she had a little while before the bus got there. Normally she sat on the bench and pulled out a book. Today, though, she just wasn’t feeling like reading. Sitting down heavily, she allowed her backpack to hit the ground with a thud. She sighed, wondering if was going to be like this her whole life. Wondering if she was always going to be on the outside, separated by age and her own social ineptness even if she was smart enough to keep up with the older kids. Wondering if she’d made a mistake. Wondering if she should’ve done what her father and oide had suggested and agreed to homeschooling.
Tears flooded her eyes and spilled down her cheeks when she blinked. It wasn’t what she’d wanted. But maybe they were right. She sniffed and wiped her cheeks with her hands. Maybe she would talk to them tonight. But it felt so much like giving up, though, and she hated that.
By the time she got home, she was no more decided about what to do. Walking up to the driveway, she saw, to her relief, that neither car was in the driveway. She hadn’t necessarily expected either of her parents to be there, but they both had somewhat variable schedules and she’d been so wrapped up in her own misery she hadn’t bothered to come up with a cover story for being home so early. She let herself in the house and detoured to the kitchen to get something to drink, then headed upstairs to her room, still feeling sad and confused about what to do…how to handle this.
A while later, Leonard let himself into the house, a couple of grocery bags in his arms. Jim wasn’t home yet, and though he expected Joanna would be, the house seemed quiet. Taking a minute to put the perishables away, he then moved through the house and climbed the stairs.
“Jo? Ya home Baby?” he called.
“I’m here,” Joanna replied. She opened her bedroom door as her father was coming down the hall.
“Hi Darlin’…what’s…” he started to ask when he got a look at her face. She looked as if she’d been crying. Joanna slipped into his arms and pressed her face against him. “Oh, Baby…what’s the matter?” he asked, concerned to find her so upset. He gently stroked her back and cupped her head as they stood there.
After a couple of moments, she sniffed and pulled away. She looked up at her father and then away again, embarrassed by her tears.
“I need to talk to you. And Oide. Is he home?”
Leonard frowned. “Not yet. But I think he’ll be home soon. What’s wrong? Is…is it something at school?”
She sighed deeply, and Leonard heard the sadness in it, and it broke his heart a little. He hated to see his baby girl so unhappy.
“Yeah,” she admitted quietly.
Leonard pressed his lips together and drew her back into another hug, holding her against him. “Okay, Baby. We’ll talk. Let me just go get out of this suit.”
Joanna nodded and Leonard headed to his room, worry settling like a heavy ball right in the center of him. Once in his room, he pulled out his cellphone and called Jim.
“Hey Bones, I’m just turning down the street,” Jim said.
“Oh, good. Something’s up with Jo, and she wants to talk to both of us. I’m home, just changing, and I just wanted to make sure you were on your way.”
“What’s the matter?” Jim asked. “Did she say at all?”
“No, just that it was about school.”
“Okay, well, I’m pulling around the corner. Be there in thirty seconds.”
They disconnected, and Leonard finished changing, throwing on jeans and a t-shirt. He was passing Jo’s empty room as he heard the front door open, and Jim greeted Joanna, who had taken a seat in the family room, as he hurried down the stairs.
“Okay Baby, what’s up?” Leonard asked, once they were all settled in the family room.
Jim intently observed Jo, taking in her body language as they waited for her to speak. She was sitting in a corner of the couch, her legs pulled up to her chest and one of her clenched hands held a couple of tissues. She looked tense, and closed off, and she wasn’t looking at them, focusing her gaze on her knees.
And Jim’s heart sank. He recognized that look.
“I was thinking…would it be too late for me to switch to homeschooling?” she asked, her voice wavering.
Leonard frowned, exchanging a glance with Jim.
“Is that what you want?” Leonard asked.
Jo’s eyes filled with tears, and she blinked, spilling them down her cheeks. She took a deep breath and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
“Not really,” she admitted. “I just…wondered if it was still possible.”
“It’s still possible, Jo,” Jim said. “That’s something we could arrange pretty much any time. But…” he glanced at Leonard. “We’re wondering why?”
Joanna bit her lip and shook her head. “It’s just…a lot harder than I thought it would be,” she admitted. “Some of the kids say…things. They…make fun of me.”
“What kind of things?” Leonard asked, anger on his daughter’s behalf starting to rise in his chest. He saw Jim glance at him in warning and he did his best to take a breath and calm down. “I mean…you don’t have to tell us,” he backtracked. “I just want to make sure it’s nothing...” sexual, particularly cruel, pushing you to do something you aren’t ready for “…harassing,” he finally settled on.
“I don’t mind telling you, Daddy.” She sighed. “Usually it’s about my clothes, or they call me a baby…today they asked me if I was…” she flushed, looking away from them. “If I’m going to be...like you.”
“Like us,” Jim repeated. “Gay.”
Silently, Joanna nodded. Jim and Leonard exchanged glances again. They’d come against this before, and Jo had already hit the age where discussing sexuality with her parents was embarrassing for her. And though it seemed like such a ridiculous insult, Jim knew that being called “gay” by classmates was a major issue for a lot of kids, no matter what their orientation.
Leonard sighed and reached out to her. She went to him easily, and he held her for a couple of moments while Leonard and Jim looked at each other over her head. Although this was Jim’s area of expertise, it seemed so much harder when you were talking to your own kid.
“I’m sorry the kids are giving you a hard time, Darlin’,” Leonard murmured.
Jim settled a hand on her back, and she turned her head on Leonard’s shoulder to look at him. “Jo, I wish I had something to say that would just make everything better, but it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes people are cruel, just because they can be. And though you can’t control what they say, you do have control over how you react. And you have choices here…we can set up the homeschooling easily, if that’s what you decide. Or…maybe you can push yourself to open up to others a little more, maybe make a friend so that you don’t feel so alone.”
“I don’t know how to make friends,” she said, her voice catching.
Leonard stroked her hair, and Jim smiled at her slightly, tilting his head. “Now, you know that’s not true. You actually have a lot of friends…they just don’t go to school with you. But, sweetie, I know you. You’re a nice girl, and you’re more than just your grades and your classwork, and I bet if you let some other kids see that, they’ll start to see you for you.”
Jo pulled away and Leonard let go. She wiped her cheeks again, and took a deep breath, thinking about everything her oide had said. It sounded so simple, but to actually do it was so hard. Being “closed” was comfortable and easy…but she was self-aware enough to know that it also could be very lonely.
But what oide said made sense. Not everyone was mean to her. Really it was just that one group…and they were mean to a lot of people. Mostly the other students she shared classes with just ignored her. But, she had to admit, she ignored them, too.
“What are you thinking about, Darlin’?” Leonard asked quietly into the silence.
Jo looked up, refocusing her gaze on the concerned faces of her parents. “I need to think about everything,” she said. “I don’t really want to do homeschooling…I actually love the school program, and I know how hard it was to get me in there, and I just don’t want to waste this opportunity over something that is actually kinda stupid.”
“And that’s a very mature take on things, and something I’m not surprised to hear you say,” Leonard said. “But we’re proud of you no matter what, and you’re going to do great no matter what type of academic program you’re in, Darlin’, and your happiness is just as important as everything else. You keep that in mind, okay?”
“Yeah, I will. I feel better about things for now, but I still just want to think about it,” she said. She leaned in to hug her father and then Jim. “Thanks for…everything.”
“Of course, Darlin’,” Leonard said, hugging her back.
“Anytime, kiddo. We’re always here for you.”
Joanna smiled and stood, and Leonard was relieved to see that she did actually seem to be back to her usual self.
“Thanks. I just need some time to myself for a little while, so I’m gonna go upstairs.”
“Okay, Jo. We’re going to get dinner started. We’ll call you in a few,” Jim said.
They watched as she headed up the stairs, and then heard her door click closed. They looked at each other, and Leonard leaned back against the couch, all of the anger he was feeling and keeping under wraps rising in him again.
“Those little shits,” he said, and Jim gave him a small, sympathetic smile.
“We knew it wasn’t going to be easy for her,” he said. “But I don’t think we have to worry too much yet. She’s talking to us, I feel like she’s being honest with us…” he paused as Leonard nodded in agreement. “…and she knows she has viable options here.”
“Is there anything you can do?” Leonard asked, referring to Jim’s expertise and current position as a specialized school psychologist.
Jim nodded. “I can talk to the guidance counselor assigned to her, just to give her a head’s up. Beyond that…I don’t think we should get involved yet. And maybe especially not me. As one of her parents, I shouldn’t be the one to do anything on campus. It won’t make things better for her.”
“Yeah, good point. Nothin’ worse than having your parents butt in,” Leonard agreed. He stood, reaching a hand down towards Jim. He took it and Leonard pulled him to his feet. “C’mon…let’s get dinner started.”
Together, they headed towards the kitchen and Leonard started pulling various ingredients out of the refrigerator.
“I have an idea, Bones,” Jim said a few moments later. Leonard glanced at him as Jim pulled out a pan and put it down on the stovetop. “But I’m not sure how Jo’ll feel about it.”
Leonard peered at Jim, pausing in what he was doing. “Yeah? Well, let’s hear it.”
“Ok…how about calling Kimmie?”
Jim waited while Leonard mulled that over. Kimmie was Janie’s older sister…she was a senior in high school this year. They were, for all intents and purposes, Jo’s cousins. Jim’s brother Sam, his wife Aurelan, and their girls were an integral part of Jo’s family life, as she was in theirs.
“To...what? Give Joanna make-up tips?”
Jim shook his head with a smile. “No, I know how you feel about make-up. But maybe she can, I don’t know…take her shopping? I know it seems like a small, stupid thing, but Jo said they were calling her a baby and teasing her about her clothes. Maybe Kimmie can help her a little with that.”
“I don’t know, Jim. I’m not sure if I want to reinforce the idea that clothes matter.”
Jim shook his head. “It’s not about the clothes, Bones. It’s about helping Jo fit in a little more. Not wearing a dress with butterflies on it with socks and sneakers might help. And she already thinks clothes matter. She just doesn’t know what to do about it.”
“What makes you say that?”
“How much time did we spend on before-school clothes shopping this year?” Jim asked.
Leonard remained quiet, getting Jim’s point. They’d spent almost no time on it. Joanna had everything she needed, for sure. More than, even. But they didn’t do a specific shopping trip like Aurelan did with her girls. And having that pointed out to him made him feel like a total ass.
“Why didn’t you say something?” Leonard asked quietly.
“I didn’t think of it either,” Jim admitted. “I mean, we got things over the summer, she just got a few new pairs of shoes, we cleared her drawers and closet of what didn’t fit her any more, and she has plenty of clothes. But they’re all for a younger kid. And she is a younger kid, but she’s in a high school program. Maybe Kimmie can help her look the part, and maybe that’ll make her feel better about herself. Give her a little more confidence to open up and make some friends.”
Leonard nodded, a frown on his face as he chopped vegetables. “You think Jo will agree?”
“Oh, I don’t think we should tell Jo at all. I think we should call Kimmie, explain the situation, and ask her to come spend some time with her tomorrow. Maybe take her shopping.”
They worked in silence for few minutes as Leonard thought about everything Jim had said. It all made sense, and while he wasn’t thrilled with the idea that Joanna should try to fit in with something as stupid as clothing, he supposed it was something he couldn’t really understand. Most of the time Leonard felt like he and Jim could provide Joanna with everything she needed to grow up happy and healthy. But sometimes, in some situations, he recognized that he missed the mark. Aurelan would never have let this happen to her daughters.
“What do you think?” Jim asked after a couple of minutes.
Leonard nodded. “Yeah, let’s call her.”
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Joanna jumped when the door to her bedroom flew open and she gasped in surprise.
“Hey Jo! Get dressed. Put on your shoes. We’re going out.”
“Holy crap, Kimmie! You scared me to death!” Jo exclaimed. She watched as Kimmie moved through her room as if it were her own, pulling out a different shirt and some sandals from her closet. “And, uh…hi. And what?”
Kim looked at the younger girl she’d come to think of as her cousin. And they were cousins. When they were younger, they were pretty good friends, too. Not as good a friend as Janie was, but still friends. She smiled slightly at Jo and perched on the edge of her bed.
“I’ve decided that you need help. You might be the youngest freshman in that school for gifted geeks of yours, but that’s no excuse for looking like you’re still in middle school. So come on!” She grasped one of Jo’s hands and pulled. But Jo resisted, pulling back.
“You decided?” she asked, feeling simultaneously embarrassed and a little annoyed…and cautiously interested. “Yeah, right. Oide called you, didn’t he? Does my dad know?”
“Jo…of course your dad knows. Why does it matter? Let’s go get you some new stuff. Uncle Len gave me his card, and permission to use it. So come on!”
Jo made no move to get up though, and pulled her knees to her chest. “I don’t know Kimmie. I…it’s not that I don’t appreciate your help…but I don’t think I want to change who I am for some stupid kids.”
Kim shook her head, and looked at Jo seriously. “It isn’t about changing who you are. I would never want to do that…I think who you are is pretty damn amazing. The fact that you can put up with Janie is impressive by itself.” She paused and smiled when Jo chuckled. “And it’s not changing who you are to update your look a little. I’m not talking a make-over here, Jo. But maybe it’s time to replace some items like…”
“Like a sweater I’ve had for two years?”
Kim smiled. “Exactly. Just a few things…and maybe, if you want them, a couple of suggestions on how to handle that curly mop of hair…and then of course foodcourt lunch and ice cream, cause that’s like…required.”
Joanna sat quietly for a moment, mulling this over, and found that while part of her wanted to shrink in embarrassment from this type of attention, a bigger part of her was warming to the idea quickly. But…
“Is Janie coming with us?” she asked. She loved Janie, but she was pushy. Normally that didn’t bother Jo…she’d learned to handle that…but she didn’t think she wanted to deal with that pressure this time.
“No…just you and me. Okay?”
Jo thought about it for another moment. She’d never done that before…gone shopping or anything with just Kimmie…as if she were a big sister who could help her with girl stuff. Aunt Aurelan was great, but she was an adult…and it just wasn’t the same. “Yeah, okay. Give me just a sec to get dressed.”
“Sure!” Kim said, happy that Jo agreed. She stood to let herself out of the room.
“And Kim…” She paused at the door to look back at Jo. “Thanks.”
“No problem. It’ll be fun, trust me. Meet you downstairs.”
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Jo swallowed hard as she surveyed the cafeteria. Clutching her tray tightly, she made her way to one of the round tables that had a few extra chairs. There were a couple of girls and a boy already there…all kids who shared one or two classes with her. What drew her attention to this table, though, was the girl she was paired with for a history project - Bree. She’d seemed pretty nice, and they were working well together so far.
Half way there, though, her courage faltered. Her heart was galloping in her chest and her stomach felt sick. She was so tempted to put the tray down and flee to the safety and quiet of the library, where no one would bother her and she wouldn’t have to think of things to say. And she nearly did.
But then she thought about what that would mean. Having to do not just this year, but the next three, alone. And it would be her own fault. Oide made a good point when he said she needed to be more open.
Come on Jo, she thought to herself. Just go talk to them.
Somehow, she found herself standing by the table, paralyzed. She wasn’t sure if…
“Hi Joanna,” her history partner said, looking up at her. “Did you want to sit here?”
“Um…y-yes…please…if you don’t mind,” she stammered.
The kids at the table glanced at each other, but moved their stuff to make room for her.
“Plenty of room,” Bree said.
Her legs feeling weak, Jo gratefully sank onto a chair. “Thanks,” she said, keeping her eyes on her tray.
“No problem.”
Conversation happened around her for a few moments, and though Jo listened, she couldn’t bring herself to look up or offer anything. They were talking about favorite movies. Jo loved going to the movies and had quite a few favorites of her own.
“What about you Jo?” Bree asked.
Realizing that Bree was trying to draw her into the conversation, Jo glanced up and found that they were looking at her expectantly, and she flushed.
“Um…well, I, uh, I really liked ‘The Conjuring’,” she admitted hesitantly.
“Oh, me too!” Katie, the other girl at the table, said. “It was so freaky when those hands clapped right by her head. Remember that part?”
They talked about that movie for a few minutes while they ate, Jo adding a couple of points now and then, and slowly feeling like she could relax a little.
“Jo, are you going to eat your cornbread?” the boy, Josh, asked.
“No…help yourself,” Jo replied, pushing her tray towards him.
“Thanks!” he said, stuffing a big piece into his mouth.
“Gross,” Katie said, and Bree giggled. There wasn’t any malice there, though, and Josh just smiled around his full mouth and shrugged.
“I like your shirt, Jo,” Bree said, turning her attention from Josh’s full mouth. “Where’d you get it?”
“Oh…thank you. Charlotte Russe.”
“Oh, I love that store!” Katie exclaimed. “They have the cutest things there.”
Josh made a face. “If you’re going to start talking about clothes, I’m leaving.”
Jo smiled as Katie rolled her eyes. They talked about a couple of other things, and sometimes Jo added to the conversation, but she was quiet for the most part. And, to her surprise, they didn’t seem to mind.
When the bell rang, they all stood, gathering their things.
“Sit with us tomorrow?” Bree asked her.
“Oh…sure. Thanks,” Jo said. “It was…um…it was nice to talk to you.”
The girls nodded and Josh waved her way vaguely as he picked up the remains from his lunch.
“She’s a little weird,” Katie said, as she and Bree headed towards the exit on the other side of the cafeteria. “’It was nice to talk to you’,” she said, repeating Jo. “Who talks like that? So formal?”
“She’s not weird. I think she’s just really shy. Seems nice, though. We should ask her to come to the mall with us Saturday.”
“Yeah, sure.” Katie replied, shrugging. “Whatever.”
Across the cafeteria, Jo looked over her shoulder at the backs of the girls who were heading away from her, towards the rest of their afternoon, and a small smile graced her features.
Maybe she could make this work after all.
.