Suebusters
Part two: Because LJ is a nuisance.
Inside the mine, the only noises were the crackling of Ring Bearer's flames and the scribbling of Cara's pen as she extended their charge list, everyone seeming content to let the canons and Sue go about their business without much comment. Overall, it was a welcome chance to kick back a little, or at least Miriam thought so until she heard Alandria and Boromir speaking up, causing her brow to furrow a little. Before too long, she started trying to tune out the Sue's annoying droning, her focus changing to the Words instead. After Boromir admitted that the Sue gave "a strong argument", both Agents snickering at Alandria's reply and its implication that she quite literally argued her way to Rivendell, Miriam raised what would have been an eyebrow had the disguise included one.
"Um, correct me if the movie changed something, Cara, but... I didn't think the Doors of Durin opened themselves without the password," she said to her partner, nodding in the direction of the entrance to show just what she was talking about. Cara looked up, stared for a moment, and then let out several very uncomplimentary words as she scrambled away from the door and into the shadows.
"I take back my earlier statement," she hissed as quietly as she could to Miriam and Ring Bearer, who'd joined her out of sight as the Fellowship entered the cavern. "I don't hate Suethors, I loathe them." Once again refraining from finding something to throw at Alandria, Cara instead watched Aragorn, a diversion guaranteed to stop her from going too far into a bad mood.
The scene played out as per standard movieverse, right up to the Watcher's attack, and as the Fellowship piled out onto the shore to rescue Frodo, Cara leaned forwards to watch intently. Like the scene before it, the Watcher fight played out almost identically to its counterpart in the film, the creature's tentacles being hacked and shot at until it released Frodo. The group ran into the mine without noticing the Agents and mini, the entrance being ripped down behind them, with each Agent only barely restraining themselves from lunging for the Sue right then and there.
There was no time for either to comment, however, before the chapter-break hit. Cara, getting to her feet, suddenly flailed and covered her ears at a bellowing sound. "Author's note!" she yelled, wincing as the all-bold note hit, declaring that the writer in question was having a very difficult time deciding whether or not to follow Tolkien's plotline and let Boromir die. That news wasn't going to go down too well with Cara - messing with key canon events was a huge no-no - but she couldn't help but glance at Miriam to see how her partner would take that news. Miriam seemed rather mixed about the idea at first, but her expression soon became about as stony as was possible in Uruk-Hai form.
"You'd better, bitch," she muttered, stalking after the Sue and Fellowship as soon as she thought they wouldn't be spotted. "There's no way I'm letting you ruin his most important scene!" Miriam seemed to ignore everything but her own internal rant while they observed the fic. The mine may have been pitch-black, but Ring Bearer's flames allowed them to see well enough to keep track of what was going on, especially when their eyes began to adjust. "Stupid bint... his death's the whole point of the bloody character..."
"Miriam?"
"What?"
"Do you plan on shutting up before or after the Sue hears you and gets the entire Fellowship shooting at us?" The girl instantly clammed up at Cara's question, biting down on the inside of her cheek just to make sure no words got out as she returned her attention to the scene ahead. She always seemed to do that when Cara pointed out that kind of mistake, but at least it kept the mission from being derailed.
Shaking her head in amusement at her partner’s reaction, Cara returned her attention to the fic. “Oh, joy, we get to wander through the Mines with them… though we fit in better than they do,” she added with a little smile. She scanned the Words, now glowing faintly against the blackness, and groaned. “I’m really, really getting fed up with this one. Not only is she convinced that mithril glows, but she has no concept of the fact that a four-day journey means that you have to rest at some point.”
“And that’s a problem?” Miriam asked, snuggling her jacket a little closer.
“Yep. Because according to this young lady, the Fellowship didn’t stop until they reached the three doorways where Gandalf couldn’t remember where to go. And that was on the last day - whoa!” As she spoke, Cara accidentally walked into a plothole, which there were quite a few of from the Suethor’s mistakes. A moment later, she stuck her head back through with a grin. “Well, we won’t even need the RA. Come on. This one took us directly to the doorways. We can settle down and watch the scene.”
By the time Miriam had joined her, Cara was already making herself comfortable on a ledge overlooking the site. “Fellowship’s just arriving.” She nodded to the group making their way up the stairs. From their vantage point, they were able to get a good view on the situation without having to worry about being noticed, the Words and light provided both by Ring Bearer and Gandalf allowing them to keep track of what was happening despite the darkness. Gandalf admitted that he could not remember the way, and the group finally stopped to rest.
At first, this was just as well, both Fellowship below and Agents above taking the chance to relax. Miriam tossed a few more pieces of bacon to Ring Bearer while she and Cara updated the charge list, bantering quietly to lessen the risk of any echo. Overall, all involved parties found it a welcome respite, at least until the Suethor decided to have Boromir drop in on Alandria again, something which got another low growl out of Miriam.
"God's sake, woman, can't you leave him alone for two bloody minutes?" she snapped, trying to keep her voice at a whisper.
"I could dismiss that as part of your uncontrollable attraction for him, but to be honest I have to agree. Whenever the movie's not being ripped off, the author's cramming in half-arsed interactions with him that don't really go anywhere." Cara let out a little snort of amusement at the Words as Boromir was described as beautiful. "And making him out to be a total nancy."
The next sentence, however, was even worse. As the Sue thought about how the Gondorian had seemed to appoint himself her Watcher, Boromir's features blurred, briefly resembling Anthony Stewart Head before turning into a miniature version of the Watcher in the Water for several moments. This caused the older Agent to stare, then bite down on her sleeve in an attempt to muffle her near-hysterical giggles, soon joined by her partner despite Miriam's attempts at looking stoic.
Boromir's appearance returned to normal soon enough, but it still took a short while for the Agents to get a hold of themselves, the laughter eventually fading to snickering and then dying down entirely. Of course, it didn't help that the conversation's grammar was so mangled, especially as Boromir talked about how the Watcher had "nearly ceased even the strong heart of Gondor" and asked how Alandria had so much courage.
"I... don't really know what the hell he just said," Miriam admitted between chuckles, "but that's nothing like Boromir. He'd definitely never admit to being afraid, not to mention he just doesn't talk like that. And weren't they all fighting it as a group?"
"This is a Suefic, Miri, let's not even go there." Making a few more notes - normally Cara was the one making the kill, so she didn't have to do all the writing, but she took her work fairly seriously - the Agent eyed the scene again just as Gandalf announced that he knew which way to go. "We're not going to get away with not being noticed if we follow them. Let's portal once they get into the passage, head down and wait for them in the tomb?"
Miriam shook her head. "Cara, if I wanted to watch the movie again, I'd ask my brother for his DVDs. From here on it's ripped right from the damn film until..." She paused to check the Words, mentally skipping over the ripped-off parts and trying to find where the Suethor took over again. "About halfway past chapter seven. I say we skip right over there; otherwise we're gonna be following them around for ages in a slightly-edited version of Jackson's script."
"That's cheating, Miriam." Cara folded her arms and assumed a disapproving expression. "We've got to follow the fic, otherwise we're going to miss charges. You know that. I don't mind jumping here and there, but we're skipping nearly two chapters if we do it your way."
"It's a total rehash of the film scenes from here, if you haven't noticed." Miriam sighed, meeting Cara's look with one of her own. "We're not going to miss anything; we'd just be wasting time if we didn't. Can we at least skip a little? Past the tomb fight or something? At least then it's going somewhere."
"All right, if it'll shut you up." Cara rummaged for her portal device, tapping in a location near the narrow bridge. "We can watch Gandalf do his whole heroic battle." She pressed the activator button and stepped through the portal, unaware that taking the device out during the snowstorm had allowed water to get inside. Stepping out onto a flet in Lórien in the middle of the night instead of the hall of the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm therefore came as a total surprise.
"What the -?"
"This isn't Moria, Cara." Miriam wasn't really looking at her partner, though, glancing around Lórien in confusion. "How'd we end up here?"
Cara held up the device. "Malfunction, what else?" She looked around, taking in the view, and then sighed. "Well, either that or it was in the mood to give you what you wanted - ack!" She looked around in concern for somewhere to put Ring Bearer, as - without meaning to - the mini-Balrog was starting to char the wood. In the end she asked him to wait at the bottom of the tree, where he wouldn't be able to set anything alight. Mournfully, the little Maia did as requested, though he was pacified with a promise of more bacon later.
"Now, what's she doing to Canon this time?"
"See for yourself." Miriam nodded to the group not too far ahead of them as Gimli uttered several words in Khuzdul at Haldir, before being silenced by Aragorn. Boromir was also wounded for some reason, blood dripping from his hand, a fact Miriam noted with no shortage of displeasure. "I think she's gonna turn Haldir into a D.M.B."
It was a few moments before Cara responded, but when she did she sounded very unimpressed. "I think you guessed right. And that in itself is more evidence of this author's stupidity. What's Galadriel, a guy?" She watched the scene for a little while, until Haldir proved their guesses correct when he spotted Alandria in the Fellowship and enquired as to whether Aragorn was aware that there was a woman in the party.
"Well, duh, no, we all thought it was a guy who decided to cross-dress and we had no clue till now." The older Agent's sarcasm-laden voice was thankfully low enough to avoid attracting attention. Aragorn politely explained that the Sue was from Rohan, at which point Haldir asked where her horse was. "Oh, for crying out loud... she hid it in her backpack, of course! What do you think she did with it, stupid?"
"We're not here to MST it, Cara," her partner cut in, though she was clearly equally annoyed with Haldir's Suethor-induced stupidity. "Not that I don't think it'd deserve the treatment, but you know what I mean." Boromir was standing up for the Sue further up the flet, none of the group having heard the Agents, before Aragorn stepped in again.
He seemed determined to justify bringing Alandria along, claiming she'd proved her skills with a sword and that they'd had to let her horse go when it couldn't pass the terrain they had to travel through. "Now that's a half-assed author excuse, if I've heard one," Miriam scoffed, just before Aragorn asked what had changed Haldir's temperament. When the Elf claimed it was the time for such behaviour, Miriam couldn't help rolling her eyes. "Speaking of bad excuses. You're an Elf! It's never the time to be snotty."
"What was that you said about MSTing, Miri?" Cara asked with a grin. "To be fair, at least she didn't try to actually take the horse through Moria. That would have been interesting." She glanced at the scene and the Words again and sat down, rummaging in her bag. "Fancy a game to pass the time while we get yet another sappy scene?"
The younger girl shrugged, sitting across from Cara and putting her own bag down. "Better than standing around listening to that stuff; I swear, you can get diabetes from too much sappy prose. What do you have in mind?"
Producing a rather battered set of cards, Cara grinned. "Ever played Egyptian Rat-screw?"
Some time later, after an explanation of the rules, starting a game, and several more rules added (which Miriam was half-convinced Cara was making up as she went along), the two Agents were jolted into the next scene, thankfully out of sight of the Sue, and were decorated with the cards, which had been sent with them and thrown completely out of order.
"Oh joy, I just love getting to play hunt-the-playing-card on a mission," Cara groused as they collected the cards. After that was taken care of, Miriam looked up, glancing through the Words. Their Fic Location Follower must have been messed up in the snow like Cara's RA had been, as it didn't automatically take them to the new scene when the Fellowship encountered Celeborn and Galadriel.
"Ugh, stupid thing," she said with a sigh. "So, Cara, you want to follow them or just watch from here?"
“Hm. Tempting though it is to stay here and do sod all, we’ve got to watch at least some of the fic. Come on, let’s go watch. It’s one of my favourite scenes from the movie, anyway.” Grinning at the mention of the word that was most likely to irritate her partner, the older Agent made to open a portal, and then stopped. “Maybe we should change disguises, we’re going to be pretty close to her and the last thing we need is to be spotted while looking like this.” She rummaged for her DORKS and produced it with a triumphant grin. “Guess we get to be Elves after all.”
A few clicks and whirrs and a bright flash of light later, Ring Bearer looked rather puzzled. In place of the Uruk-Hai that had picked him up, two female Elves - still wearing the same clothes - stood adjusting their backpacks. “Hey, it’s okay,” Cara grinned at him, throwing him their last piece of bacon to reassure him before finally opening the portal to the throne-room, such as it was, of Lórien.
"Did we have to give 'im all of it?" Miriam asked, though her disappointed tone was offset by an amused grin, which looked much less unsettling on an Elf. She hadn't taken too much bacon from the Fellowship's camp, but the mini-Balrog had still gone through what of it she had rather quickly. Having something of a taste for bacon herself, it both amused and annoyed her, especially since she'd never liked mini-Balrogs that much. In her book, anything that could accidentally set you on fire just by standing too close to you was best avoided, and she'd never understood why Cara and other Agents kept them as pets.
Shrugging her shoulders, more to her own thoughts than the depletion of their supply of bacon, she was about to step through the portal when something occurred to her. "Thinking about it, though, what should we do with him? I don't really know if we should bring him along again or just put him back in the RC, considering he might accidentally burn the place down."
"Oh, good point. If he shows up again before we get away from the flet, we'll have to keep him, but if not..." Cara scanned the Words quickly, and grinned. "Nah, we're all good. Hey, Ring Bearer, we're going somewhere wooden, so do you mind hanging out in our RC for a bit? I've got Moira back there, so you'll have someone to talk - uh, growl and hiss to."
The mini displayed a certain enthusiasm for the idea; whether it was the offer of company of his own kind or the chance to escape being used as an ambulatory heat-pack and light source was unclear, but he vanished into the RC willingly once a portal was opened for him.
"Happy now?" The blonde Agent didn't wait for a reply, expecting it to be something snarky, and chose to get on with the mission, stepping through the blue doorway and taking up a position on the platform not too far from the scene and assuming an expression similar to those most of the canonical Elves were wearing. This expression wavered, however, when Galadriel was described in terms very much like one would have expected a Sue to use of herself. "Ack! Urple prose!"
"I bet that's a new one." Miriam grimaced. She might not have been in the PPC for long, but in the time she'd been doing missions she definitely hadn't seen Galadriel described in Sue-terms before, especially not when the Sue herself was still something between a blurry-featured woman with Undescribed Sue Beauty and a vaguely-female grey blob. Cara didn't answer, so instead of following up on it she joined her partner in trying to blend in with the canonical Elves.
After the surprising description, the fic went back to completely ripping off the film, though Miriam could hear Cara swearing under her breath when the Sue bastardised Celeborn's line asking after Gandalf. The older woman fell silent after a short time, but Miriam found herself silently agreeing with Cara. They didn't keep track of how long they were standing there, but the only difference from the actual scene seemed to be the Sue's presence, as she had the nerve to "gaze angrily" upon Galadriel for her telepathic communication with Boromir, clinging to him before she herself ended up making eye contact with the Elf.
Now that it was the Sue herself being communicated with, the Agents could "hear" Galadriel's speech through the Words, which caused Miriam to roll her eyes. "I'm no veteran, but there's got to be at least a few charges in that, right?" she whispered, just as Alandria abruptly broke off contact with Galadriel.
"I'll Glaurunging well say so. Boromir was never totally irredeemable, that's half the point of his character. He dies to be redeemed, but he still gets it." Cara braced herself for a moment as the chapter change hit, though the lack of immediate location change meant that they didn't actually get thrown anywhere. "Hey, idea. Why don't we go and help out the Fellowship for a bit, seeing as they're just getting given the chance to relax? Gets us closer so we can keep an eye on things... and I haven't got any photos of this place yet," she added as the Fellowship were led off to get a wash and some food.
Some rummaging, muffled squeals of glee and click-FLASHes later, the blonde woman's desire for pictures seemed to have been temporarily sated. "C'mon, let's go after them." Quite cheerfully, she bounded down the stairs to the little clearing in which the group was now camped.
Elves don't generally skip. This made Cara's evident glee somewhat bizarre to watch. Though she didn't comment, neither did Miriam bother hiding the strange look she gave her partner while following her down the stairs. "Aren't we supposed to be trying to blend in?" she teased, just as they reached the clearing. Looking around and checking the Words every few seconds or so, she searched for some water to bring to the Fellowship members, but paused for a moment at the mention of tents. "Didn't they all get a tent? What's the point of saying the Sue got her own? Heck, why is she the only one of them actually using the tents they were given?" Fortunately, the Fellowship and Elves around them didn't seem to hear, but Miriam hoped her partner had at least picked up her whispering among all the sightseeing she seemed to be treating herself to.
"Hm? Oh. Yeah, good point." Cara had turned the flash off once they reached the clearing, but she had already managed to get a good number of pictures - mostly of Aragorn, including sneaking after him to see him get a wash, which Miriam did not accompany her with - before Miriam's queries brought her up short. With a sigh, she stuffed the camera into her pocket and began paying attention. "What were you saying?" On examining the situation, she paused to think about it for a bit.
"All right. We can't get into the tent to listen in yet, she's got to be alone with Boromir, so we've got a bit of time to lounge around. We'd better listen in, though. Come on. Let's get comfortable and sit outside, nobody's come up with a way to make a tent soundproof yet." Miriam seemed to accept this, being quick to join her in sitting by the tent entrance.
Nobody seemed to question why two Elves were sitting outside a tent eavesdropping on people, which was just as well since they both would have been hard pressed to come up with an acceptable answer to such a query. At least their flashpatches were still projecting the usual S.E.P field; that, or the Ironic Overpower had decided to give them a break.
Producing her notebook again, Cara settled down and began doodling for a bit while Alandria finally got around to describing her own appearance - in minute detail - and mused for a while about how she'd sneaked off from Rohan without telling anyone except Éowyn. "Oh, woe is me, I inexplicably know so much that I have to keep secrets from everyone," the older Agent deadpanned, cheerfully exending the charge list. After a good picture session, Cara was generally in a fairly good mood.
She looked up as a "small Elf maiden" walked past them and entered the tent, then left a few seconds later to make way for a much tidier-looking Boromir than usual. "And here we go. Mushy, moony-eyed scene. Why these girls feel the need to take a full chapter to explain how totally in love they are with the Fellowship member of their choice is beyond me."
"You mean they usually do this?" Miriam asked, turning down her CAD's volume in anticipation without waiting for a response. "Though at least she isn't making him sparkle." This gave both Agents pause, each half expecting Boromir to suddenly turn into a glittery light show, but it seemed the Narrative Laws of Comedy had either gone fishing or didn't feel like giving in to that particular temptation, as no sparkling occurred. Still, when Miriam hesitantly pointed her CAD at the tent opening on Boromir admitting that he was afraid, the contraption beeped as shrilly as it could with the lowered volume.
[Boromir. Human male. Canon character. OOC: 70.98756590%!!! POSSIBLE RUPTURE IMMINENT! DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!]
"...You know, I probably should've expected that." Miriam sighed, putting the CAD away and looking around just to make sure the beeping hadn't been noticed. "Can we kill this thing soon?"
"Sure, if you like. I'm getting fed up with this one, too." Cara eyed her partner curiously, head tilted to one side. "Two things you should be aware of: one, your CAD has a mute button, so use it; and two, I'm going to add charges from past the kill point because I read ahead when we were in Moria and there's a few things I'm not going to let slide." She unfocused her eyes and stared at the Words. "Hmm... well, after he gets violent and then snogs her repeatedly, she's on her own for a bit. We can nip in and grab her there, if you like?"
Miriam apparently saw the logic in that, as she quietly dug the CAD back out and put it on mute before she blinked and looked back up at her partner. "Wait, what was that about snogging?"
"What, you're actually surprised by that? Anyway, Boromir gets violent towards her soon and then ends up -" Normally, Miriam wasn't able to intimidate Cara, or most anyone else for that matter, but the cold look the younger girl gave her made Cara shut her mouth almost instantly.
"Yeah, we're definitely killing this bitch here," the teenager snarled, making herself comfortable by the tent's entrance.
"Good to see you've got an enthusiasm for the job," was her partner's murmured response. For a while, the two Assassins sat quietly, though a wrestling match broke out briefly when they heard Boromir shouting at Alandria. "Miriam - stop it - you can't go barging in there now - we'll kill her soon, stay still, Erudamnit!"
Fortunately, Cara was a bit bigger and notably stronger than Miriam, and quickly got the upper hand, sitting on the teenager and covering her mouth. "Not with Boromir around, you crackpot. Wait and you can kill her for screwing with his character as painfully as you like, just not this second. Okay? Ow!" She jerked her hand back, looking at the bite mark. "Flaming Denethor, you're a menace."
"That I am," Miriam agreed, in a tone that would've sounded cheerful had she not been gritting her teeth and squirming around, trying to get out from under her partner. "You gonna get off me, or what?" After a few seconds, and checking the Words quickly, Cara nodded and stood up, allowing the teenager to get to her feet and brush some of the dirt and grass off her clothes. Some more time passed, both Agents silently listening to the conversation inside the tent, barring the occasional grumbling; they soon agreed that it'd be foolish to bring the CAD out again, since it would likely just explode. "Gods, I wish these two would just shut up."
"Amazing. We have the same opinion on something." Cara peered round the tent flap and whipped back immediately. "Okay, if there was a way to fast-forward, I'd take it... oh, sod it. I'll complete the charge list while we're waiting, so when we get to grabbing her I don't have to try to remember anything off the top of my head. Do something useful and entertain yourself for a bit without going berserk." That said, the Agent settled down with her notepad, occasionally staring off into the distance to check the later chapters. Her partner, meanwhile, seemed content to sit back and enjoy the view of the clearing, as if focussing on the sights and sounds of Lórien would make the fic disappear.
Before long, both stopped paying attention to the fic entirely, their minds tuning out the incessant chatter of Alandria and Boromir and relegating it to mere background noise in their minds. In fact, they so utterly lost interest in the current scene that Boromir actually snogging the Sue barely warranted a raised eyebrow from Miriam, and Cara didn't even notice, though in her defence she was preoccupied with completing the charge list. A few minutes passed like this, until a voice in the distance was heard, calling Boromir.
Though the speaker could not be seen, the voice resembled that of Aragorn, and Boromir clearly made that assumption, getting up and preparing to take his leave. It wasn't until Boromir was standing right next to her, telling the Sue that she gave him hope, that Miriam looked up. The Gondorian started to move away, and the Agent got to her feet, hoping to beat the chapter break. "Looks like it's time to get this over with, Cara. You ready?"
Cara nodded, hastily scrawling the last few words onto her charge list and scrambling to her feet as the canon character wandered off. “Well past ready. I can’t really remember the last time I was this bored by a Suefic. Oh, hang on.” She rummaged in her bag hurriedly and produced a coil of rope and a set of handcuffs. “Here you go.”
“Why on earth have you got those and why are you giving them to me?” This query earned Miriam a Look™.
“I’ve got them because I’m not stupid enough to try a fight with a Warrior!Sue if I can possibly avoid it, and I’m giving them to you because she’s your kill, so you get the fun of trying to restrain her.” The blonde Assassin beamed at her partner angelically. “Well, in we go then.”
She ducked into the tent, hoisting her backpack onto her shoulders, and bowed a little to the Sue. “My apologies, Lady Alandria, but we needed to speak with you in private.” Alandria nodded absently, not registering anything odd about the Elf.
“We?”
“Yes, my companion and I. Miriam, get your backside in here.” At the Elf's call, the two were soon joined by another Elf, shorter than the first. This one was carrying a rope and what appeared to be two bracelets held together by a chain, and her expression was markedly less docile than her companion's. Like the other Elf, this "Miriam" had a pack slung over her shoulder, though a rather unremarkable one. Odd, she'd been sure she and the rest of the Fellowship were the only travellers going through Lórien today.
"Do you want something?" Alandria asked them, to which both Elves nodded in unison.
"Yeah, actually," Miriam replied, her tone of voice and the sneer that appeared on her face not at all Elf-like. Before Alandria could question her on this, though, Miriam nodded to the first Elf. "Cara, the portal?"
"What port- AAAAH!" Alandria's query was cut off by a blue doorway appearing directly under her feet, which she fell through with a startled yelp. The other side of this doorway led to a plain in eastern Rhovanion... but several feet off the ground, as she discovered when she fell to the earth, her shout of surprise quickly turning into pained groans as she lay there.
Another of the blue doorways opened close by (this one at ground-level) as the one above closed, the two Elves stepping through it as if it were no unusual thing at all. Stunned, in a good deal of pain, and fairly sure the fall had broken her leg, Alandria couldn't do anything about the shorter Elf walking towards her, rolling her over with her foot.
"Nice work with the portal," Miriam said, placing the handcuffs on Alandria and rolling her back over, giving her another kick for good measure. She'd never been that great with knots, so she didn't bother with the rope - the Sue didn't look like she was going anywhere, given the way she was lying and how one of her legs was bent the wrong way. Drawing her rapier, she stepped back, giving her partner a grin. "Guess you want to do the charges, now?"
"Not particularly, but I'll do it anyway." Cara drew her notepad with a wholly unnecessary flourish and smiled pleasantly at their captive. "Alandria, known also as Mary Sue, you are charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum - that's us two - with the following crimes against Canon: claiming to mash the movie and book canons together when all you really did was use the movie canon and put in a couple of minor details from the book; creating and kidnapping mini-Balrogs, to whit, Middle Earth, Ring Bearer, Saurman, Khazad-Dum and Cair Gornath; severe mangling of the English language, including awful spelling, bad grammar, and terrible description, to the point where we decided that your author was in desperate need of a competent beta-reader; using Americanisms -"
"Come off it, Cara, that's not a real charge."
The older Agent raised an eyebrow at her partner. "Tolkien wrote in British English, and I’m the linguistics obsessive here, so yes, it is." When the only reply was rolled eyes, Cara returned to the charge list. "Where was I...? Using Americanisms; using the characters' movie appear- Miriam, that is not a charge!"
"And using Americanisms is?" Miriam retorted defiantly, despite the number of times the two had argued over this particular charge.
"Yes, so shut up and let me get on with it. Let's see - bad description, thereby altering the physiology of a large number of characters, particularly Boromir; plagiarism on a massive scale and boring PPC Agents nearly to tears; joining the Fellowship, thereby earning yourself the title of a Tenth Walker Sue and a painful death, if we can really be arsed to take the time; bastardising the "Nine companions" line and ruining the numerical symbology of Tolkien’s work; causing distortions to the personalities of a large number of canon characters, but most severely Boromir, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Haldir and Galadriel; being good enough friends with Gandalf for him to ask you to turn up at the Council of Elrond; making Boromir turn up at the Council because Gandalf asked, when in neither the book nor the movie was this the case; screwing with the timeline and blaming the hobbits for one such instance; making the Fellowship travel so slowly they aren’t even out of sight of Rivendell after a full day's walking; calling yourself Rohirric when you blatantly state you come from further north and thus are not from Rohan; not knowing of the Ring before you arrived at Rivendell, yet somehow knowing what the Ring was the second you saw it, a.k.a. being contradictory and stupid; making the Fellowship have lembas with them before they get to Lórien -"
At this point Cara's temper snapped long enough for her to kick Alandria solidly in the ribs. "I thought this girl knew the story. You going to explain that one?"
The Sue gasped for breath, but refused to speak, instead putting on what she thought was an expression of courageous defiance. Cara shrugged. "Have it your way. I'm not finished yet, though. Moving on: switching Merry and Pippin around, thus making them into The Interchangeable Duo; not knowing Gandalf’s Elven name despite being a good enough friend of his to be invited to the Council of Elrond; repeatedly stating the bleeding obvious and having other characters do the same; abandoning your horse despite claiming that you're Rohirric; claiming that mithril glows; losing all connection with logic and making PPC Agents want to throw things at you; redundancy; knowing things you really shouldn't be aware of; describing Galadriel in purple prose - what did she do to deserve that, huh?"
"I described her as she appeared to me," Alandria protested, evidently forgetting her attempt to look noble and brave.
"You described her so badly I wanted to kick you. Oh, wait." Taking advantage, Cara kicked her again. "That felt good. Not much more to go now, and then Miriam can kill you." Ignoring Alandria's sudden struggling, the blonde Agent carried on doggedly. "Knowing who Galadriel is without having been introduced; explaining your presence in the Fellowship via infodump exposition and boring the hell out of me; making Elves into doorwardens for their guests; making Boromir become violent towards you and thereby instantly throwing him so far OOC our CAD went berserk... here, Miriam, gimme the CAD and I'll show her."
Taking the device, Cara held it so that the Sue could see it. However, being so close to Alandria made the CAD override the mute function and start squealing as loudly as it could.
"Bugger!" Cara threw the berserk piece of equipment away just before it exploded, then rounded on the Sue with a venomous look in her eyes. "You just wrecked our CAD. DoSAT are going to flip." She sped up her recitation. "Making Boromir snog you without asking permission first or being in a relationship with you; seriously pissing off PPC Agents; hitting on Boromir full stop, and I'm only adding that in because if I don't Miriam here will sulk... and at this point we really should be stopping, but I spotted a few other things that I refuse to let slide. Therefore, you are also charged with the following: having prophetic dreams; giving Galadriel the power to erase memories; creating items that have powers they really shouldn't, to whit, boots that make you run faster and gloves that always keep you warm and protect against any injury - hey, you know, I think I'll have those - making Aragorn's eyes the wrong colour; calling Gollum a creature of Mordor, when he was so bloody well not - he was a Hobbit, dammit!"
"Cara?"
"What now?"
"You're getting protective of Gollum, it's creepy."
"...Am not. Who do you think I am, Jay Thorntree?"
Miriam blinked. "Who?"
There was a sigh. "Never mind. I just like canonical accuracy. Now let me read out the last couple of charges and then you can go nuts. Alandria, you are charged with the crimes of stealing Aragorn's role in the battle of Amon Hen and at Boromir's death scene, with wrecking our CAD just now, and finally with being incredibly boring, unimaginative, and an all-round Mary-Sue. For these crimes and a lot of others that I really cannot be bothered reading out, you are sentenced to death. Miriam here's going to take care of that, seeing as it was her crush you decided to hit on. Miri, over to you."
Cara stepped back, folding her arms and leaving the field clear for her partner, who smirked maliciously as she moved toward the crippled Sue. However, as she stabbed down with the rapier, Alandria rolled out of the way, letting out a pained cry as she rolled on her broken leg. Miriam stabbed a few more times with the Sue rolling again, taking a kick to the stomach with a frustrated grunt. After a few seconds her blade struck home, sliding between Alandria's ribs and puncturing her lung. Not satisfied with just the one wound, Miriam stabbed Alandria repeatedly in the chest, eventually striking her heart and causing the troublesome Sue to go still. Glittery blood began to pool around the body and soak into the grass. Miriam pulled her sword out of the body and took a few deep breaths, then cleaned the rapier on Alandria's clothes.
"That was satisfying," she said, standing upright and sheathing the rapier. "So, how do we get rid of this thing?"
Having watched the entire procedure with a mixture of amusement and mild despair at Miriam's less than impressive technique, the older Agent shrugged. "I can't be bothered trying for anything dramatic, not after watching that painful attempt at a duel," she teased. "Lets just portal what's left into Mount Doom and go home. I'm fed up with this place."
"Well excuse me, Miss Born-a-fencing-master," Miriam fired back, pulling out her Remote Activator. "Mount Doom sounds good, though. Gods, I swear this fic could be an insomnia cure."
"Hey, I never claimed to be a fencing master, I just think you could have done something a bit more elegant than - well, that. I've got some stuff to collect, so 'scuse me for a minute." Cara portalled to a bit firther ahead in the fic to retrieve the boots and gloves she'd laid claim to. Once she got back to the execution site, she tucked them into her bag as Miriam disposed of the Sue and opened a portal back to HQ. The blonde Assassin stepped through and dumped her bag on the bed, then sank into a seat and closed her eyes. Having started to doze off, she didn't even notice that Miriam had followed her and turned off their disguises until the girl was shaking her lightly by the arm. "Hm? What is it?"
"We're not keeping that thing, are we?" Miriam asked, gesturing to Ring Bearer. Cara knew full well her opinion on minis, especially mini-Balrogs. "I mean, we've already got one; with two around the whole RC might burn down."
"Wh- oh, all right. You know how to get him to the Adoptions Agency. Send him off if you really are that worried. Just leave Moira alone." With that, Cara tugged her jacket over her head, evidently intending to actually get some sleep. Miriam nodded, taking only long enough to get some fireproof gear on before leading Ring Bearer out the door.
"Come on, little guy. Let's find you a good home..."
A few minutes later Cara sat bolt upright. "Oh, crap!" Rummaging in her backpack, she produced a pair of sunglasses and a neuralyser. She hurriedly jammed the glasses onto her face, then opened a portal and dived through.
Authors' Notes: (Kyle) Gods, that mission took forever. Part of it was our fault, but still, that had to be the most boring fic I've ever tried to PPC. We had to skip a huge chunk of it just to keep any interest at all! Well, that and because said huge chunk gave us literally nothing to work with. I mean it, the entire thing was just a copy-paste of the bloody script, more or less. I don't actually have that much to say except that I'm glad it's finally over, and wish we'd finished it last month. Though I suppose it'd help if I didn't have so many other missions and misc. writings on my plate. :P Anyway, we thought the idea of co-writing a more TOS-like pair would be fun to try, especially with the increasing demand for a return to the old traditions. Figured it was worth a shot. All input is appreciated, so don't be afraid to speak your mind, please.
(Cassie) Have to agree, there. I thought this mission would really annoy me, but honestly, it nearly bored me to tears. Thank Eru we've got more flail-inducing ones to work with from now on. In case none of you noticed, we not only tried to return to TOS's traditions, in places we lampshaded them to the max. I re-read TOS not that long ago and have to admit to borrowing several of Jay and Acacia's ideas, purely for giggles. And I have to thank my co-author for making me go back and look through the books again after I made a few goofs. See you all next mission!
Cara Fielding and Miriam Collins will return in: From Arda with Love
Inside the mine, the only noises were the crackling of Ring Bearer's flames and the scribbling of Cara's pen as she extended their charge list, everyone seeming content to let the canons and Sue go about their business without much comment. Overall, it was a welcome chance to kick back a little, or at least Miriam thought so until she heard Alandria and Boromir speaking up, causing her brow to furrow a little. Before too long, she started trying to tune out the Sue's annoying droning, her focus changing to the Words instead. After Boromir admitted that the Sue gave "a strong argument", both Agents snickering at Alandria's reply and its implication that she quite literally argued her way to Rivendell, Miriam raised what would have been an eyebrow had the disguise included one.
"Um, correct me if the movie changed something, Cara, but... I didn't think the Doors of Durin opened themselves without the password," she said to her partner, nodding in the direction of the entrance to show just what she was talking about. Cara looked up, stared for a moment, and then let out several very uncomplimentary words as she scrambled away from the door and into the shadows.
"I take back my earlier statement," she hissed as quietly as she could to Miriam and Ring Bearer, who'd joined her out of sight as the Fellowship entered the cavern. "I don't hate Suethors, I loathe them." Once again refraining from finding something to throw at Alandria, Cara instead watched Aragorn, a diversion guaranteed to stop her from going too far into a bad mood.
The scene played out as per standard movieverse, right up to the Watcher's attack, and as the Fellowship piled out onto the shore to rescue Frodo, Cara leaned forwards to watch intently. Like the scene before it, the Watcher fight played out almost identically to its counterpart in the film, the creature's tentacles being hacked and shot at until it released Frodo. The group ran into the mine without noticing the Agents and mini, the entrance being ripped down behind them, with each Agent only barely restraining themselves from lunging for the Sue right then and there.
There was no time for either to comment, however, before the chapter-break hit. Cara, getting to her feet, suddenly flailed and covered her ears at a bellowing sound. "Author's note!" she yelled, wincing as the all-bold note hit, declaring that the writer in question was having a very difficult time deciding whether or not to follow Tolkien's plotline and let Boromir die. That news wasn't going to go down too well with Cara - messing with key canon events was a huge no-no - but she couldn't help but glance at Miriam to see how her partner would take that news. Miriam seemed rather mixed about the idea at first, but her expression soon became about as stony as was possible in Uruk-Hai form.
"You'd better, bitch," she muttered, stalking after the Sue and Fellowship as soon as she thought they wouldn't be spotted. "There's no way I'm letting you ruin his most important scene!" Miriam seemed to ignore everything but her own internal rant while they observed the fic. The mine may have been pitch-black, but Ring Bearer's flames allowed them to see well enough to keep track of what was going on, especially when their eyes began to adjust. "Stupid bint... his death's the whole point of the bloody character..."
"Miriam?"
"What?"
"Do you plan on shutting up before or after the Sue hears you and gets the entire Fellowship shooting at us?" The girl instantly clammed up at Cara's question, biting down on the inside of her cheek just to make sure no words got out as she returned her attention to the scene ahead. She always seemed to do that when Cara pointed out that kind of mistake, but at least it kept the mission from being derailed.
Shaking her head in amusement at her partner’s reaction, Cara returned her attention to the fic. “Oh, joy, we get to wander through the Mines with them… though we fit in better than they do,” she added with a little smile. She scanned the Words, now glowing faintly against the blackness, and groaned. “I’m really, really getting fed up with this one. Not only is she convinced that mithril glows, but she has no concept of the fact that a four-day journey means that you have to rest at some point.”
“And that’s a problem?” Miriam asked, snuggling her jacket a little closer.
“Yep. Because according to this young lady, the Fellowship didn’t stop until they reached the three doorways where Gandalf couldn’t remember where to go. And that was on the last day - whoa!” As she spoke, Cara accidentally walked into a plothole, which there were quite a few of from the Suethor’s mistakes. A moment later, she stuck her head back through with a grin. “Well, we won’t even need the RA. Come on. This one took us directly to the doorways. We can settle down and watch the scene.”
By the time Miriam had joined her, Cara was already making herself comfortable on a ledge overlooking the site. “Fellowship’s just arriving.” She nodded to the group making their way up the stairs. From their vantage point, they were able to get a good view on the situation without having to worry about being noticed, the Words and light provided both by Ring Bearer and Gandalf allowing them to keep track of what was happening despite the darkness. Gandalf admitted that he could not remember the way, and the group finally stopped to rest.
At first, this was just as well, both Fellowship below and Agents above taking the chance to relax. Miriam tossed a few more pieces of bacon to Ring Bearer while she and Cara updated the charge list, bantering quietly to lessen the risk of any echo. Overall, all involved parties found it a welcome respite, at least until the Suethor decided to have Boromir drop in on Alandria again, something which got another low growl out of Miriam.
"God's sake, woman, can't you leave him alone for two bloody minutes?" she snapped, trying to keep her voice at a whisper.
"I could dismiss that as part of your uncontrollable attraction for him, but to be honest I have to agree. Whenever the movie's not being ripped off, the author's cramming in half-arsed interactions with him that don't really go anywhere." Cara let out a little snort of amusement at the Words as Boromir was described as beautiful. "And making him out to be a total nancy."
The next sentence, however, was even worse. As the Sue thought about how the Gondorian had seemed to appoint himself her Watcher, Boromir's features blurred, briefly resembling Anthony Stewart Head before turning into a miniature version of the Watcher in the Water for several moments. This caused the older Agent to stare, then bite down on her sleeve in an attempt to muffle her near-hysterical giggles, soon joined by her partner despite Miriam's attempts at looking stoic.
Boromir's appearance returned to normal soon enough, but it still took a short while for the Agents to get a hold of themselves, the laughter eventually fading to snickering and then dying down entirely. Of course, it didn't help that the conversation's grammar was so mangled, especially as Boromir talked about how the Watcher had "nearly ceased even the strong heart of Gondor" and asked how Alandria had so much courage.
"I... don't really know what the hell he just said," Miriam admitted between chuckles, "but that's nothing like Boromir. He'd definitely never admit to being afraid, not to mention he just doesn't talk like that. And weren't they all fighting it as a group?"
"This is a Suefic, Miri, let's not even go there." Making a few more notes - normally Cara was the one making the kill, so she didn't have to do all the writing, but she took her work fairly seriously - the Agent eyed the scene again just as Gandalf announced that he knew which way to go. "We're not going to get away with not being noticed if we follow them. Let's portal once they get into the passage, head down and wait for them in the tomb?"
Miriam shook her head. "Cara, if I wanted to watch the movie again, I'd ask my brother for his DVDs. From here on it's ripped right from the damn film until..." She paused to check the Words, mentally skipping over the ripped-off parts and trying to find where the Suethor took over again. "About halfway past chapter seven. I say we skip right over there; otherwise we're gonna be following them around for ages in a slightly-edited version of Jackson's script."
"That's cheating, Miriam." Cara folded her arms and assumed a disapproving expression. "We've got to follow the fic, otherwise we're going to miss charges. You know that. I don't mind jumping here and there, but we're skipping nearly two chapters if we do it your way."
"It's a total rehash of the film scenes from here, if you haven't noticed." Miriam sighed, meeting Cara's look with one of her own. "We're not going to miss anything; we'd just be wasting time if we didn't. Can we at least skip a little? Past the tomb fight or something? At least then it's going somewhere."
"All right, if it'll shut you up." Cara rummaged for her portal device, tapping in a location near the narrow bridge. "We can watch Gandalf do his whole heroic battle." She pressed the activator button and stepped through the portal, unaware that taking the device out during the snowstorm had allowed water to get inside. Stepping out onto a flet in Lórien in the middle of the night instead of the hall of the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm therefore came as a total surprise.
"What the -?"
"This isn't Moria, Cara." Miriam wasn't really looking at her partner, though, glancing around Lórien in confusion. "How'd we end up here?"
Cara held up the device. "Malfunction, what else?" She looked around, taking in the view, and then sighed. "Well, either that or it was in the mood to give you what you wanted - ack!" She looked around in concern for somewhere to put Ring Bearer, as - without meaning to - the mini-Balrog was starting to char the wood. In the end she asked him to wait at the bottom of the tree, where he wouldn't be able to set anything alight. Mournfully, the little Maia did as requested, though he was pacified with a promise of more bacon later.
"Now, what's she doing to Canon this time?"
"See for yourself." Miriam nodded to the group not too far ahead of them as Gimli uttered several words in Khuzdul at Haldir, before being silenced by Aragorn. Boromir was also wounded for some reason, blood dripping from his hand, a fact Miriam noted with no shortage of displeasure. "I think she's gonna turn Haldir into a D.M.B."
It was a few moments before Cara responded, but when she did she sounded very unimpressed. "I think you guessed right. And that in itself is more evidence of this author's stupidity. What's Galadriel, a guy?" She watched the scene for a little while, until Haldir proved their guesses correct when he spotted Alandria in the Fellowship and enquired as to whether Aragorn was aware that there was a woman in the party.
"Well, duh, no, we all thought it was a guy who decided to cross-dress and we had no clue till now." The older Agent's sarcasm-laden voice was thankfully low enough to avoid attracting attention. Aragorn politely explained that the Sue was from Rohan, at which point Haldir asked where her horse was. "Oh, for crying out loud... she hid it in her backpack, of course! What do you think she did with it, stupid?"
"We're not here to MST it, Cara," her partner cut in, though she was clearly equally annoyed with Haldir's Suethor-induced stupidity. "Not that I don't think it'd deserve the treatment, but you know what I mean." Boromir was standing up for the Sue further up the flet, none of the group having heard the Agents, before Aragorn stepped in again.
He seemed determined to justify bringing Alandria along, claiming she'd proved her skills with a sword and that they'd had to let her horse go when it couldn't pass the terrain they had to travel through. "Now that's a half-assed author excuse, if I've heard one," Miriam scoffed, just before Aragorn asked what had changed Haldir's temperament. When the Elf claimed it was the time for such behaviour, Miriam couldn't help rolling her eyes. "Speaking of bad excuses. You're an Elf! It's never the time to be snotty."
"What was that you said about MSTing, Miri?" Cara asked with a grin. "To be fair, at least she didn't try to actually take the horse through Moria. That would have been interesting." She glanced at the scene and the Words again and sat down, rummaging in her bag. "Fancy a game to pass the time while we get yet another sappy scene?"
The younger girl shrugged, sitting across from Cara and putting her own bag down. "Better than standing around listening to that stuff; I swear, you can get diabetes from too much sappy prose. What do you have in mind?"
Producing a rather battered set of cards, Cara grinned. "Ever played Egyptian Rat-screw?"
Some time later, after an explanation of the rules, starting a game, and several more rules added (which Miriam was half-convinced Cara was making up as she went along), the two Agents were jolted into the next scene, thankfully out of sight of the Sue, and were decorated with the cards, which had been sent with them and thrown completely out of order.
"Oh joy, I just love getting to play hunt-the-playing-card on a mission," Cara groused as they collected the cards. After that was taken care of, Miriam looked up, glancing through the Words. Their Fic Location Follower must have been messed up in the snow like Cara's RA had been, as it didn't automatically take them to the new scene when the Fellowship encountered Celeborn and Galadriel.
"Ugh, stupid thing," she said with a sigh. "So, Cara, you want to follow them or just watch from here?"
“Hm. Tempting though it is to stay here and do sod all, we’ve got to watch at least some of the fic. Come on, let’s go watch. It’s one of my favourite scenes from the movie, anyway.” Grinning at the mention of the word that was most likely to irritate her partner, the older Agent made to open a portal, and then stopped. “Maybe we should change disguises, we’re going to be pretty close to her and the last thing we need is to be spotted while looking like this.” She rummaged for her DORKS and produced it with a triumphant grin. “Guess we get to be Elves after all.”
A few clicks and whirrs and a bright flash of light later, Ring Bearer looked rather puzzled. In place of the Uruk-Hai that had picked him up, two female Elves - still wearing the same clothes - stood adjusting their backpacks. “Hey, it’s okay,” Cara grinned at him, throwing him their last piece of bacon to reassure him before finally opening the portal to the throne-room, such as it was, of Lórien.
"Did we have to give 'im all of it?" Miriam asked, though her disappointed tone was offset by an amused grin, which looked much less unsettling on an Elf. She hadn't taken too much bacon from the Fellowship's camp, but the mini-Balrog had still gone through what of it she had rather quickly. Having something of a taste for bacon herself, it both amused and annoyed her, especially since she'd never liked mini-Balrogs that much. In her book, anything that could accidentally set you on fire just by standing too close to you was best avoided, and she'd never understood why Cara and other Agents kept them as pets.
Shrugging her shoulders, more to her own thoughts than the depletion of their supply of bacon, she was about to step through the portal when something occurred to her. "Thinking about it, though, what should we do with him? I don't really know if we should bring him along again or just put him back in the RC, considering he might accidentally burn the place down."
"Oh, good point. If he shows up again before we get away from the flet, we'll have to keep him, but if not..." Cara scanned the Words quickly, and grinned. "Nah, we're all good. Hey, Ring Bearer, we're going somewhere wooden, so do you mind hanging out in our RC for a bit? I've got Moira back there, so you'll have someone to talk - uh, growl and hiss to."
The mini displayed a certain enthusiasm for the idea; whether it was the offer of company of his own kind or the chance to escape being used as an ambulatory heat-pack and light source was unclear, but he vanished into the RC willingly once a portal was opened for him.
"Happy now?" The blonde Agent didn't wait for a reply, expecting it to be something snarky, and chose to get on with the mission, stepping through the blue doorway and taking up a position on the platform not too far from the scene and assuming an expression similar to those most of the canonical Elves were wearing. This expression wavered, however, when Galadriel was described in terms very much like one would have expected a Sue to use of herself. "Ack! Urple prose!"
"I bet that's a new one." Miriam grimaced. She might not have been in the PPC for long, but in the time she'd been doing missions she definitely hadn't seen Galadriel described in Sue-terms before, especially not when the Sue herself was still something between a blurry-featured woman with Undescribed Sue Beauty and a vaguely-female grey blob. Cara didn't answer, so instead of following up on it she joined her partner in trying to blend in with the canonical Elves.
After the surprising description, the fic went back to completely ripping off the film, though Miriam could hear Cara swearing under her breath when the Sue bastardised Celeborn's line asking after Gandalf. The older woman fell silent after a short time, but Miriam found herself silently agreeing with Cara. They didn't keep track of how long they were standing there, but the only difference from the actual scene seemed to be the Sue's presence, as she had the nerve to "gaze angrily" upon Galadriel for her telepathic communication with Boromir, clinging to him before she herself ended up making eye contact with the Elf.
Now that it was the Sue herself being communicated with, the Agents could "hear" Galadriel's speech through the Words, which caused Miriam to roll her eyes. "I'm no veteran, but there's got to be at least a few charges in that, right?" she whispered, just as Alandria abruptly broke off contact with Galadriel.
"I'll Glaurunging well say so. Boromir was never totally irredeemable, that's half the point of his character. He dies to be redeemed, but he still gets it." Cara braced herself for a moment as the chapter change hit, though the lack of immediate location change meant that they didn't actually get thrown anywhere. "Hey, idea. Why don't we go and help out the Fellowship for a bit, seeing as they're just getting given the chance to relax? Gets us closer so we can keep an eye on things... and I haven't got any photos of this place yet," she added as the Fellowship were led off to get a wash and some food.
Some rummaging, muffled squeals of glee and click-FLASHes later, the blonde woman's desire for pictures seemed to have been temporarily sated. "C'mon, let's go after them." Quite cheerfully, she bounded down the stairs to the little clearing in which the group was now camped.
Elves don't generally skip. This made Cara's evident glee somewhat bizarre to watch. Though she didn't comment, neither did Miriam bother hiding the strange look she gave her partner while following her down the stairs. "Aren't we supposed to be trying to blend in?" she teased, just as they reached the clearing. Looking around and checking the Words every few seconds or so, she searched for some water to bring to the Fellowship members, but paused for a moment at the mention of tents. "Didn't they all get a tent? What's the point of saying the Sue got her own? Heck, why is she the only one of them actually using the tents they were given?" Fortunately, the Fellowship and Elves around them didn't seem to hear, but Miriam hoped her partner had at least picked up her whispering among all the sightseeing she seemed to be treating herself to.
"Hm? Oh. Yeah, good point." Cara had turned the flash off once they reached the clearing, but she had already managed to get a good number of pictures - mostly of Aragorn, including sneaking after him to see him get a wash, which Miriam did not accompany her with - before Miriam's queries brought her up short. With a sigh, she stuffed the camera into her pocket and began paying attention. "What were you saying?" On examining the situation, she paused to think about it for a bit.
"All right. We can't get into the tent to listen in yet, she's got to be alone with Boromir, so we've got a bit of time to lounge around. We'd better listen in, though. Come on. Let's get comfortable and sit outside, nobody's come up with a way to make a tent soundproof yet." Miriam seemed to accept this, being quick to join her in sitting by the tent entrance.
Nobody seemed to question why two Elves were sitting outside a tent eavesdropping on people, which was just as well since they both would have been hard pressed to come up with an acceptable answer to such a query. At least their flashpatches were still projecting the usual S.E.P field; that, or the Ironic Overpower had decided to give them a break.
Producing her notebook again, Cara settled down and began doodling for a bit while Alandria finally got around to describing her own appearance - in minute detail - and mused for a while about how she'd sneaked off from Rohan without telling anyone except Éowyn. "Oh, woe is me, I inexplicably know so much that I have to keep secrets from everyone," the older Agent deadpanned, cheerfully exending the charge list. After a good picture session, Cara was generally in a fairly good mood.
She looked up as a "small Elf maiden" walked past them and entered the tent, then left a few seconds later to make way for a much tidier-looking Boromir than usual. "And here we go. Mushy, moony-eyed scene. Why these girls feel the need to take a full chapter to explain how totally in love they are with the Fellowship member of their choice is beyond me."
"You mean they usually do this?" Miriam asked, turning down her CAD's volume in anticipation without waiting for a response. "Though at least she isn't making him sparkle." This gave both Agents pause, each half expecting Boromir to suddenly turn into a glittery light show, but it seemed the Narrative Laws of Comedy had either gone fishing or didn't feel like giving in to that particular temptation, as no sparkling occurred. Still, when Miriam hesitantly pointed her CAD at the tent opening on Boromir admitting that he was afraid, the contraption beeped as shrilly as it could with the lowered volume.
[Boromir. Human male. Canon character. OOC: 70.98756590%!!! POSSIBLE RUPTURE IMMINENT! DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!]
"...You know, I probably should've expected that." Miriam sighed, putting the CAD away and looking around just to make sure the beeping hadn't been noticed. "Can we kill this thing soon?"
"Sure, if you like. I'm getting fed up with this one, too." Cara eyed her partner curiously, head tilted to one side. "Two things you should be aware of: one, your CAD has a mute button, so use it; and two, I'm going to add charges from past the kill point because I read ahead when we were in Moria and there's a few things I'm not going to let slide." She unfocused her eyes and stared at the Words. "Hmm... well, after he gets violent and then snogs her repeatedly, she's on her own for a bit. We can nip in and grab her there, if you like?"
Miriam apparently saw the logic in that, as she quietly dug the CAD back out and put it on mute before she blinked and looked back up at her partner. "Wait, what was that about snogging?"
"What, you're actually surprised by that? Anyway, Boromir gets violent towards her soon and then ends up -" Normally, Miriam wasn't able to intimidate Cara, or most anyone else for that matter, but the cold look the younger girl gave her made Cara shut her mouth almost instantly.
"Yeah, we're definitely killing this bitch here," the teenager snarled, making herself comfortable by the tent's entrance.
"Good to see you've got an enthusiasm for the job," was her partner's murmured response. For a while, the two Assassins sat quietly, though a wrestling match broke out briefly when they heard Boromir shouting at Alandria. "Miriam - stop it - you can't go barging in there now - we'll kill her soon, stay still, Erudamnit!"
Fortunately, Cara was a bit bigger and notably stronger than Miriam, and quickly got the upper hand, sitting on the teenager and covering her mouth. "Not with Boromir around, you crackpot. Wait and you can kill her for screwing with his character as painfully as you like, just not this second. Okay? Ow!" She jerked her hand back, looking at the bite mark. "Flaming Denethor, you're a menace."
"That I am," Miriam agreed, in a tone that would've sounded cheerful had she not been gritting her teeth and squirming around, trying to get out from under her partner. "You gonna get off me, or what?" After a few seconds, and checking the Words quickly, Cara nodded and stood up, allowing the teenager to get to her feet and brush some of the dirt and grass off her clothes. Some more time passed, both Agents silently listening to the conversation inside the tent, barring the occasional grumbling; they soon agreed that it'd be foolish to bring the CAD out again, since it would likely just explode. "Gods, I wish these two would just shut up."
"Amazing. We have the same opinion on something." Cara peered round the tent flap and whipped back immediately. "Okay, if there was a way to fast-forward, I'd take it... oh, sod it. I'll complete the charge list while we're waiting, so when we get to grabbing her I don't have to try to remember anything off the top of my head. Do something useful and entertain yourself for a bit without going berserk." That said, the Agent settled down with her notepad, occasionally staring off into the distance to check the later chapters. Her partner, meanwhile, seemed content to sit back and enjoy the view of the clearing, as if focussing on the sights and sounds of Lórien would make the fic disappear.
Before long, both stopped paying attention to the fic entirely, their minds tuning out the incessant chatter of Alandria and Boromir and relegating it to mere background noise in their minds. In fact, they so utterly lost interest in the current scene that Boromir actually snogging the Sue barely warranted a raised eyebrow from Miriam, and Cara didn't even notice, though in her defence she was preoccupied with completing the charge list. A few minutes passed like this, until a voice in the distance was heard, calling Boromir.
Though the speaker could not be seen, the voice resembled that of Aragorn, and Boromir clearly made that assumption, getting up and preparing to take his leave. It wasn't until Boromir was standing right next to her, telling the Sue that she gave him hope, that Miriam looked up. The Gondorian started to move away, and the Agent got to her feet, hoping to beat the chapter break. "Looks like it's time to get this over with, Cara. You ready?"
Cara nodded, hastily scrawling the last few words onto her charge list and scrambling to her feet as the canon character wandered off. “Well past ready. I can’t really remember the last time I was this bored by a Suefic. Oh, hang on.” She rummaged in her bag hurriedly and produced a coil of rope and a set of handcuffs. “Here you go.”
“Why on earth have you got those and why are you giving them to me?” This query earned Miriam a Look™.
“I’ve got them because I’m not stupid enough to try a fight with a Warrior!Sue if I can possibly avoid it, and I’m giving them to you because she’s your kill, so you get the fun of trying to restrain her.” The blonde Assassin beamed at her partner angelically. “Well, in we go then.”
She ducked into the tent, hoisting her backpack onto her shoulders, and bowed a little to the Sue. “My apologies, Lady Alandria, but we needed to speak with you in private.” Alandria nodded absently, not registering anything odd about the Elf.
“We?”
“Yes, my companion and I. Miriam, get your backside in here.” At the Elf's call, the two were soon joined by another Elf, shorter than the first. This one was carrying a rope and what appeared to be two bracelets held together by a chain, and her expression was markedly less docile than her companion's. Like the other Elf, this "Miriam" had a pack slung over her shoulder, though a rather unremarkable one. Odd, she'd been sure she and the rest of the Fellowship were the only travellers going through Lórien today.
"Do you want something?" Alandria asked them, to which both Elves nodded in unison.
"Yeah, actually," Miriam replied, her tone of voice and the sneer that appeared on her face not at all Elf-like. Before Alandria could question her on this, though, Miriam nodded to the first Elf. "Cara, the portal?"
"What port- AAAAH!" Alandria's query was cut off by a blue doorway appearing directly under her feet, which she fell through with a startled yelp. The other side of this doorway led to a plain in eastern Rhovanion... but several feet off the ground, as she discovered when she fell to the earth, her shout of surprise quickly turning into pained groans as she lay there.
Another of the blue doorways opened close by (this one at ground-level) as the one above closed, the two Elves stepping through it as if it were no unusual thing at all. Stunned, in a good deal of pain, and fairly sure the fall had broken her leg, Alandria couldn't do anything about the shorter Elf walking towards her, rolling her over with her foot.
"Nice work with the portal," Miriam said, placing the handcuffs on Alandria and rolling her back over, giving her another kick for good measure. She'd never been that great with knots, so she didn't bother with the rope - the Sue didn't look like she was going anywhere, given the way she was lying and how one of her legs was bent the wrong way. Drawing her rapier, she stepped back, giving her partner a grin. "Guess you want to do the charges, now?"
"Not particularly, but I'll do it anyway." Cara drew her notepad with a wholly unnecessary flourish and smiled pleasantly at their captive. "Alandria, known also as Mary Sue, you are charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum - that's us two - with the following crimes against Canon: claiming to mash the movie and book canons together when all you really did was use the movie canon and put in a couple of minor details from the book; creating and kidnapping mini-Balrogs, to whit, Middle Earth, Ring Bearer, Saurman, Khazad-Dum and Cair Gornath; severe mangling of the English language, including awful spelling, bad grammar, and terrible description, to the point where we decided that your author was in desperate need of a competent beta-reader; using Americanisms -"
"Come off it, Cara, that's not a real charge."
The older Agent raised an eyebrow at her partner. "Tolkien wrote in British English, and I’m the linguistics obsessive here, so yes, it is." When the only reply was rolled eyes, Cara returned to the charge list. "Where was I...? Using Americanisms; using the characters' movie appear- Miriam, that is not a charge!"
"And using Americanisms is?" Miriam retorted defiantly, despite the number of times the two had argued over this particular charge.
"Yes, so shut up and let me get on with it. Let's see - bad description, thereby altering the physiology of a large number of characters, particularly Boromir; plagiarism on a massive scale and boring PPC Agents nearly to tears; joining the Fellowship, thereby earning yourself the title of a Tenth Walker Sue and a painful death, if we can really be arsed to take the time; bastardising the "Nine companions" line and ruining the numerical symbology of Tolkien’s work; causing distortions to the personalities of a large number of canon characters, but most severely Boromir, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Haldir and Galadriel; being good enough friends with Gandalf for him to ask you to turn up at the Council of Elrond; making Boromir turn up at the Council because Gandalf asked, when in neither the book nor the movie was this the case; screwing with the timeline and blaming the hobbits for one such instance; making the Fellowship travel so slowly they aren’t even out of sight of Rivendell after a full day's walking; calling yourself Rohirric when you blatantly state you come from further north and thus are not from Rohan; not knowing of the Ring before you arrived at Rivendell, yet somehow knowing what the Ring was the second you saw it, a.k.a. being contradictory and stupid; making the Fellowship have lembas with them before they get to Lórien -"
At this point Cara's temper snapped long enough for her to kick Alandria solidly in the ribs. "I thought this girl knew the story. You going to explain that one?"
The Sue gasped for breath, but refused to speak, instead putting on what she thought was an expression of courageous defiance. Cara shrugged. "Have it your way. I'm not finished yet, though. Moving on: switching Merry and Pippin around, thus making them into The Interchangeable Duo; not knowing Gandalf’s Elven name despite being a good enough friend of his to be invited to the Council of Elrond; repeatedly stating the bleeding obvious and having other characters do the same; abandoning your horse despite claiming that you're Rohirric; claiming that mithril glows; losing all connection with logic and making PPC Agents want to throw things at you; redundancy; knowing things you really shouldn't be aware of; describing Galadriel in purple prose - what did she do to deserve that, huh?"
"I described her as she appeared to me," Alandria protested, evidently forgetting her attempt to look noble and brave.
"You described her so badly I wanted to kick you. Oh, wait." Taking advantage, Cara kicked her again. "That felt good. Not much more to go now, and then Miriam can kill you." Ignoring Alandria's sudden struggling, the blonde Agent carried on doggedly. "Knowing who Galadriel is without having been introduced; explaining your presence in the Fellowship via infodump exposition and boring the hell out of me; making Elves into doorwardens for their guests; making Boromir become violent towards you and thereby instantly throwing him so far OOC our CAD went berserk... here, Miriam, gimme the CAD and I'll show her."
Taking the device, Cara held it so that the Sue could see it. However, being so close to Alandria made the CAD override the mute function and start squealing as loudly as it could.
"Bugger!" Cara threw the berserk piece of equipment away just before it exploded, then rounded on the Sue with a venomous look in her eyes. "You just wrecked our CAD. DoSAT are going to flip." She sped up her recitation. "Making Boromir snog you without asking permission first or being in a relationship with you; seriously pissing off PPC Agents; hitting on Boromir full stop, and I'm only adding that in because if I don't Miriam here will sulk... and at this point we really should be stopping, but I spotted a few other things that I refuse to let slide. Therefore, you are also charged with the following: having prophetic dreams; giving Galadriel the power to erase memories; creating items that have powers they really shouldn't, to whit, boots that make you run faster and gloves that always keep you warm and protect against any injury - hey, you know, I think I'll have those - making Aragorn's eyes the wrong colour; calling Gollum a creature of Mordor, when he was so bloody well not - he was a Hobbit, dammit!"
"Cara?"
"What now?"
"You're getting protective of Gollum, it's creepy."
"...Am not. Who do you think I am, Jay Thorntree?"
Miriam blinked. "Who?"
There was a sigh. "Never mind. I just like canonical accuracy. Now let me read out the last couple of charges and then you can go nuts. Alandria, you are charged with the crimes of stealing Aragorn's role in the battle of Amon Hen and at Boromir's death scene, with wrecking our CAD just now, and finally with being incredibly boring, unimaginative, and an all-round Mary-Sue. For these crimes and a lot of others that I really cannot be bothered reading out, you are sentenced to death. Miriam here's going to take care of that, seeing as it was her crush you decided to hit on. Miri, over to you."
Cara stepped back, folding her arms and leaving the field clear for her partner, who smirked maliciously as she moved toward the crippled Sue. However, as she stabbed down with the rapier, Alandria rolled out of the way, letting out a pained cry as she rolled on her broken leg. Miriam stabbed a few more times with the Sue rolling again, taking a kick to the stomach with a frustrated grunt. After a few seconds her blade struck home, sliding between Alandria's ribs and puncturing her lung. Not satisfied with just the one wound, Miriam stabbed Alandria repeatedly in the chest, eventually striking her heart and causing the troublesome Sue to go still. Glittery blood began to pool around the body and soak into the grass. Miriam pulled her sword out of the body and took a few deep breaths, then cleaned the rapier on Alandria's clothes.
"That was satisfying," she said, standing upright and sheathing the rapier. "So, how do we get rid of this thing?"
Having watched the entire procedure with a mixture of amusement and mild despair at Miriam's less than impressive technique, the older Agent shrugged. "I can't be bothered trying for anything dramatic, not after watching that painful attempt at a duel," she teased. "Lets just portal what's left into Mount Doom and go home. I'm fed up with this place."
"Well excuse me, Miss Born-a-fencing-master," Miriam fired back, pulling out her Remote Activator. "Mount Doom sounds good, though. Gods, I swear this fic could be an insomnia cure."
"Hey, I never claimed to be a fencing master, I just think you could have done something a bit more elegant than - well, that. I've got some stuff to collect, so 'scuse me for a minute." Cara portalled to a bit firther ahead in the fic to retrieve the boots and gloves she'd laid claim to. Once she got back to the execution site, she tucked them into her bag as Miriam disposed of the Sue and opened a portal back to HQ. The blonde Assassin stepped through and dumped her bag on the bed, then sank into a seat and closed her eyes. Having started to doze off, she didn't even notice that Miriam had followed her and turned off their disguises until the girl was shaking her lightly by the arm. "Hm? What is it?"
"We're not keeping that thing, are we?" Miriam asked, gesturing to Ring Bearer. Cara knew full well her opinion on minis, especially mini-Balrogs. "I mean, we've already got one; with two around the whole RC might burn down."
"Wh- oh, all right. You know how to get him to the Adoptions Agency. Send him off if you really are that worried. Just leave Moira alone." With that, Cara tugged her jacket over her head, evidently intending to actually get some sleep. Miriam nodded, taking only long enough to get some fireproof gear on before leading Ring Bearer out the door.
"Come on, little guy. Let's find you a good home..."
A few minutes later Cara sat bolt upright. "Oh, crap!" Rummaging in her backpack, she produced a pair of sunglasses and a neuralyser. She hurriedly jammed the glasses onto her face, then opened a portal and dived through.
Authors' Notes: (Kyle) Gods, that mission took forever. Part of it was our fault, but still, that had to be the most boring fic I've ever tried to PPC. We had to skip a huge chunk of it just to keep any interest at all! Well, that and because said huge chunk gave us literally nothing to work with. I mean it, the entire thing was just a copy-paste of the bloody script, more or less. I don't actually have that much to say except that I'm glad it's finally over, and wish we'd finished it last month. Though I suppose it'd help if I didn't have so many other missions and misc. writings on my plate. :P Anyway, we thought the idea of co-writing a more TOS-like pair would be fun to try, especially with the increasing demand for a return to the old traditions. Figured it was worth a shot. All input is appreciated, so don't be afraid to speak your mind, please.
(Cassie) Have to agree, there. I thought this mission would really annoy me, but honestly, it nearly bored me to tears. Thank Eru we've got more flail-inducing ones to work with from now on. In case none of you noticed, we not only tried to return to TOS's traditions, in places we lampshaded them to the max. I re-read TOS not that long ago and have to admit to borrowing several of Jay and Acacia's ideas, purely for giggles. And I have to thank my co-author for making me go back and look through the books again after I made a few goofs. See you all next mission!
Cara Fielding and Miriam Collins will return in: From Arda with Love