Sophomore Septembers
Title: Sophomore Septembers
Fandom: bare, a pop opera
Written: November, 2009
Rating: PG-13
Words: 3800
Summary: 'He’s so cute when he’s sleeping,' Jason leaned forward again and brushed Peter’s bangs from his forehead, fingertips tingling as he touched the sleeping boy. // Another one of those famous "that day in September" fics, full of roommate bonding and fluff.
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His head was bent over the latest assignment, nearly blank paper bearing several hastily scribbled notes. Squinting his eyes, he tried to decipher whether he had written 'cone' or 'cove,' all the while regretting his lacking abilities in the note-taking area. His dark hair was hanging over his eyes, creating a curtain around his face. Brushing it away hastily just to have it fall back into place, he heard the door open.
"Hey," came the cool voice of his roommate. Steeling himself, Peter turned in his chair and gave Jason a brief smile, saying, "Hi," in a rather shaky voice. Clearing his throat, he tried again, repeating, "Hi."
"What're you working on?" Jason dropped his bookbag next to his bed neatly, the thud of books making Peter jump slightly. The taller boy came over to stand next to Peter's desk and look at the paper on his desk. Peter hastily turned back to his desk, bowing his head again so his hair could hide the pink tinge on his cheeks.
"Uh… English assignment," he managed to get out, leaning forward so as to not feel the heat radiating from Jason's body. He tried to turn his attention back to the one word that was giving him so much trouble.
"How can you read that?" Jason laughed, pointing to one of Peter's scrawled notes. Peter giggled as Jason's finger smudged the letters, but did not answer. Jason put a hand on Peter's shoulder and squeezed it lightly before crossing back over to the other side of the room. The squeal of bedsprings told Peter that Jason had collapsed on his bed, but he did not turn to look. After all, if a shoulder squeeze had made his heart race, he did not want to find out what seeing Jason lying in bed would do.
Instead he tried to concentrate on his notes again, but found this next to impossible. He tried to remember what had happened in class earlier, but remembered nothing except how the back of Jason's head had looked. Well, that and fighting to stay awake as the heating system made the room stuffy and the fluorescent lights had made little lights dance in Jason's hair.
Groaning, Peter laid his face in his hands, closing his eyes and willing himself to remember anything from class.
He nearly jumped a foot in the air when he felt Jason's hands tighten around his shoulders. Turning so abruptly that his movements made Jason's hands fall from his shoulders, Peter asked, "What's up?"
Jason's expression was one of surprise. His eyes were widened and he had a small smile playing about his lips. "Relax, man," he replaced his hands on Peter's shoulders and began moving his thumbs in small circles.
Peter turned back to his desk slowly, eyes practically bugging out of his head. He bit his lips to keep his mouth shut, lest an inappropriate noise or a stupid comment find its way out.
"Did you think I didn't see you sleeping in class?" Jason asked, which made Peter giggle again. "You're exhausted; you should take a nap or something before dinner." Peter sighed heavily as Jason added, "Don't worry about the English homework; you can copy my notes from class."
"Thanks," Peter let himself say, making to straighten up and take Jason's advice.
"Hey, hey," Jason pressed on Peter's shoulders, forcing him to stay in his chair. "Who said I was done?" Peter found himself giggling again, hair thankfully still hiding his blush. His posture slumped as Jason kept working on his shoulders and a warm bubble was working up inside him. His head fell to rest on his desk, eyes closing and breathing becoming more regular.
Jason was saying something, but Peter could not concentrate on the words. His desk lamp was warming his face while Jason's hands warmed his shoulders and he sighed heavily. His sigh turned into a yawn halfway through.
"Come here," Jason instructed, voice soft. His hands found their way under Peter's arms, helping him up. Leaning heavily on his roommate for support, Peter hobbled over to his bed. Jason helped his now completely limp form into it and Peter automatically curled his body into a small ball. His breathing became regular and deep, a sure sign he was seconds away from sleep.
The boy needs to stop waking up in the middle of the night to finish homework, Jason thought. He looked at the form of his sleeping roommate, wondering - not for the first time - why Peter gave himself such a strange sleeping schedule.
Does he think I don't notice? Jason shook his head, kneeling down and biting back a chuckle as he realized that Peter was still wearing his shoes. I'm his roommate, after all. And besides, he leaned closer and began untying Peter's shoes, I'm a very light sleeper. His alarm wakes me up every time, even though I pretend to stay asleep.
Jason loosened Peter's laces so his shoes would slide off neatly. As predicted, they came off with no problem and Jason laid them beside his roommate's bed. Shifting his posture back and leaning on his hands for support, Jason looked at Peter's face. The boy had a small smile on his face, which made one appear on Jason's.
He's so cute when he's sleeping, Jason leaned forward again and brushed Peter's bangs from his forehead, fingertips tingling as he touched the sleeping boy. Chuckling softly to himself and feeling a blush rise in his cheeks, Jason stood up and crossed back over to his own bed. He kicked off his own shoes, lying down so he was facing Peter.
I never realized how far away he seems, Jason noted the distance between the beds for the first time. Even though the dorm rooms at St. Cecelia's were so small there was barely enough room for two students to live in them, three feet can seem like three miles when there is something you want on the other side. Jason scooted to the edge of his bed and reached across the gap, noting how his arm was not long enough to reach Peter's bed.
"Probably for the best," Jason whispered to himself, bringing his arm back to his side and curling up into a ball to match Peter's. He began controlling his breathing to match Peter's, barely blinking as he looked fondly at his roommate.
Even though he enjoyed stolen moments like this, when Peter was completely unaware of how he stared, a deep clenching in the pit of his stomach was ever-present. It ruined times like these, when he should be able to look at his roommate without feeling guilty. He noticed every little idiosyncrasy there was to notice about Peter, but at the same time he struggled to forget everything.
The clenching in his stomach hardened when a little voice in his head whispered, And it's not like you were just trying to help him relax earlier, either.
Jason sighed, breaking his rhythmic breathing, as he realized the voice was right. If all his years playing various sports had taught him anything, it was how to give a killer massage. He knew that Peter was stressed and tired, practically inviting him over. Jason tried to shake the memory of how Peter's shoulders had felt, tried to forget how he had been able to make his roommate collapse on top of his desk.
He would be lying if he tried to say that he hadn't expected Peter to need help getting into bed. Jason's eyes closed and he sighed again, unwilling to acknowledge how good it had felt to carry Peter even that short distance. He knew it meant nothing, he knew Peter would not remember it happening, but it was little things like this that kept Jason hoping that maybe Peter felt the same.
Closing his eyes even though he wasn't tired, Jason tried to imagine what would happen if he told Peter how he felt. Peter might not feel the same at all; Jason could very well be imagining the blush that he sometimes saw on Peter's cheeks or Peter's tendency to become very clumsy any time Jason looked at him.
Maybe he was imagining everything in his desperation to find someone who would empathize with him. Nobody else at school seemed to have any problems at all, let alone one this serious. Many times he had considered talking to the priest, asking him for advice, but that would mean admitting weakness. It would mean admitting to himself that he wasn't normal, and he was not about to do that.
His eyes flew open as he heard Peter stir, and he hastily turned the other way so he was facing the wall. He tried to control his breathing, to make it sound like he was asleep. The last thing he wanted was for Peter to find out that he had been watching him.
Peter sat up, looking around the room groggily. Even though he had only been asleep for mere minutes, he felt as if he had been out for hours. He rubbed his eyes, blinked, and scanned the room again. His eyes fell on his roommate, who was curled up in a ball facing the wall.
A small smile tugged at Peter's lips as he listened to Jason's slow breathing. Had he fallen asleep as well? He bit his lip and forced himself to look away from Jason's bed. Instead he focused on the sheets on his bed, staring guiltily at the white fabric.
This is the reason you wake up every night to pray, he reminded himself. You aren't supposed to feel like this for another boy. A gasp escaped his lips as he started crying, wishing for what had to be the thousandth time that he had not agreed to be Jason's roommate again. He had foolishly thought that spending time with him would teach him to like him as a friend, but the exact opposite was happening.
Peter buried his face in his hands, feeling the tears run down his wrists and onto his arms. It soaked through his sleeves. His breath was coming in short gasps now, which he tried his hardest to stifle. He didn't want to wake Jason up.
Obviously someone had it in for Peter, for he felt someone who had to be Jason sit down beside him, wrapping an arm protectively around his shoulders. Peter looked up, seeing his roommate's concerned face swimming in front of him.
"What's up?" Jason asked him, and Peter could tell by his tone that he cared. Gulping and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, Peter shook his head, saying, "Nothing," meekly.
"No, it's not nothing," Jason insisted, removing his arm and scooting a few inches away so he could see Peter better. Looking him pointedly in the eye, Jason said, "Something has to be wrong if you're crying. Is it schoolwork?"
Peter shook his head, completely at a loss for words. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't tell Jason that he had a massive gay crush on him; that just wouldn't do.
"You homesick?" Jason tried again. It was only the third week of school, but he remembered from last year that Peter got homesick easily. Peter shook his head, so Jason pressed on, listing a number of common problems the students had.
"Did you get someone pregnant?" Jason asked, which startled Peter.
"No!" he said angrily, offended his roommate would even think that. Jason merely chuckled, muttering, "Good, I didn't think so."
Jason sighed and reached out to take Peter's hand. Peter stared at their hands, his guilt coming back again. Jason thought he was comforting Peter, but this small interaction meant the world to him. Jason squeezed his hand, saying, "Please tell me. I don't like seeing you upset."
Peter just stared at their hands, trying to stop an endless number of fantasies that were swirling around in his head. He took a couple deep, shuddering breaths, reminding himself that it was a sin to feel this way. If he gave in to temptation, he would go to Hell. That's what the Bible said. That's what Father said. That's what his parents said.
"Have you ever been afraid of yourself?" Peter asked softly, still staring at their hands. He didn't have the courage to look Jason in the face.
"Yeah," Jason followed Peter's gaze to their hands, resisting the urge to lace their fingers with difficulty. Instead he squeezed Peter's hand again, saying, "I think everyone feels that way sometimes. But why are you afraid of yourself?"
"Uh…" Peter kept staring at their hands, part of him wishing Jason would let go. "I'm afraid that there's something wrong with me. I mean, sometimes I think I go against the Bible too much."
"And you're afraid of going to Hell," Jason said what Peter couldn't, looking up at his roommate to see Peter's gaze still fixed on their hands. Judging by the way Peter sighed and his posture slumped, Jason had found the root of the problem. But why did Peter feel like this? Jason knew why he did, but he couldn't imagine why his sweet, ever-innocent roommate could think he was going to Hell.
"Jason," Peter looked up, locking his teary eyes with his roommate's blue ones, "I'm scared. It's just so hard to live like Father says we should. It must be easy for you; you're smart and confident and you always seem to have the right answers for everything."
"Trust me, I don't," Jason said softly, smiling slightly. He felt his face flush at Peter's compliment, and he fought to keep eye contact. Peter raised an eyebrow at Jason's comment, which made him laugh. "Okay, so maybe it seems that way," he admitted, "but, come on Peter, you're my roommate. You know I'm just like everyone else."
"Well, there was that time last semester…" Peter started hesitantly, chuckling through his tears and making a broad smile cross Jason's face; he knew what was coming. "You didn't score a single basket the entire season and Coach asked you to leave the team." Jason started laughing, hearing Peter's hiccoughing chuckles accompanying him. "I remember you worried about what to tell your father for weeks afterward."
"See, there ya go," Jason shrugged, throwing his hands in the air for emphasis. "Completely normal guy."
"Who just happens to be the school prodigy at everything… except basketball," Peter added with a giggle. Jason laughed again, unconsciously taking Peter's hand again as he did so. Peter's eyes widened and he looked down at their hands again, making Jason aware that he probably should not have done that.
"Sorry," he said hastily, releasing Peter's hand and folding his own together and laying them in his lap. "Anyway, back to your problem," Jason changed the subject, feeling guilty for making Peter remember why they had started talking in the first place. "I want to help you; tell me what's up."
He watched Peter squirm, feeling his own heart race. Peter had no idea how adorable he was when he was nervous, and Jason mentally chastised himself for thinking that. Not only was it a horrible thing to enjoy the side effect of his roommate's nerves, but he shouldn't be feeling this way in the first place. Squeezing his hands together, he watched Peter mimic this action, tucking his folded fingers between his legs.
"You won't believe me," Peter's voice was smaller than Jason had ever heard it.
"Try me," Jason dared him, looking at Peter's face until his roommate looked up. He caught Peter's eye and held it, as if to assure him that everything was okay. This made Peter tremble, obviously terrified out of his mind.
"Fine, maybe you'll believe me," Peter was speaking so softly that Jason had to lean in closer to hear him, "but you won't like me anymore. I don't know how anyone will; it's that bad."
Jason knew he was in deep water now. His roommate really didn't want to tell him the problem, regardless of how silly it would seem compared to his own problem. So, throwing caution to the wind, he said suddenly, "Okay, I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you a secret and then you'll tell me your problem."
Peter was taken completely aback by this offer. What Jason was about to tell him couldn't possibly compare with how horrible his own problem was. He was still shaking, unable to regain control of his movements. He swallowed hard, figuring that if whatever Jason's secret was ended up being something stupid, he could just make something up.
But now it seemed like Jason was getting just as nervous as he felt. Jason, always the brave one of the two, had dropped his gaze to his lap, breaking eye contact. Peter could hear him mumbling to himself and twisting his fingers together. Whatever he was about to say truly was something he was struggling with.
When Jason looked back up, Peter was shocked to see that he too had tears in his eyes. Throwing all his inhibitions aside, Peter reached over and grabbed hold of Jason's hand, taking over the role of comforter.
"It's okay," he reassured his roommate, who had so recently been telling him the same thing. Jason let out a shaky laugh and said, "I could tell you why I'm so nervous, but it would pretty much be every reason you've already told me." Peter smiled slightly, tightening his hold on Jason's hand.
"Pete," Jason caught his roommate's gaze again, looking directly into his eyes as if his life depended on it, "Pete, I think I'm gay."
Peter let go of Jason's hand, head dropping to stare at his own lap and eyes blurring with tears. His breath was shaky, and he was certain that he had heard wrong. Jason, his roommate Jason, the star of St. Cecelia's and his secret crush, couldn't be gay. It was way too… convenient.
"Who put you up to it?" Peter asked his lap, voice cracking and completely broken.
"What?" the panic in Jason's voice was evident, but Peter chose to ignore it.
"I mean, who's paying you to tell me that?" Peter looked back up angrily, tears streaming down his face again. "I always knew Zack had a twisted sense of humor, but if he seriously thinks that-"
"Pete!" Jason was clearly shocked by his roommate's reaction. "Calm down, nobody told me to say that!"
"Then you came up with that all by yourself?" Peter's voice went up an octave and he stood up so quickly that Jason missed this sudden movement. "You just decided one day, 'Oh, I'm bored, I think I'll tell my roommate that I like boys and see how that blows over!' Well I'll have you know something, it fucking sucks to be different, and to have someone like you - someone I thought was my friend - poking fun at something that sensitive, well… I…" He was at a complete loss for words, anger completely getting the better of him.
"Pete, I'm telling the truth!" Jason stood up also, standing a good six inches taller than the smaller boy. "I would never make fun of someone for something that stupid!"
"Oh, so now people struggling with their sexual identity are stupid?" Peter yelled incredulously, turning away from Jason.
"That's not what I meant," Jason obviously hadn't thought through his choice of words.
"Then what?" Peter challenged, turning back around and obviously livid. "What on earth are you trying to accomplish by telling me that you're gay?" He was staring Jason down, making the taller boy seem so much smaller and timid.
When Jason took a step closer, Peter thought he was about to get punched. Jason was about to pin him against the wall or push him over and pummel him, he was sure. But when Jason reached out, his hands cupped Peter's face gently, leading him closer carefully and slowly, as if afraid that pulling too fast would hurt him.
And then before Peter had even comprehended the situation, he felt his frown soften, felt one of Jason's hands move to the back of his neck, tilting his head upward. Jason lowered himself ever so slightly, lips just brushing against Peter's in what had to be the briefest and gentlest kiss in history.
But then it was as if nothing had happened. Jason, obviously angry at Peter for his previous reaction, said, "That's why, idiot," and pushed him away so hard that the smaller boy stumbled backwards. Jason in his turn sank down on his bed, breathing heavily and looking as if he had just received news that someone had died. Peter stayed where he was, looking at his roommate as if he had never seen him before.
"Please tell me this isn't just some big joke," Peter said suddenly, and Jason's attention was fixed back on his roommate. He raised an eyebrow and fixed Peter with an expressing that clearly said that if Peter didn't believe him, he was the biggest idiot on the planet. "Well, in that case…"
Peter walked over to where Jason sat, the taller boy looking up hopefully. Without preamble or warning, Peter slapped him across the face, saying in an annoyed voice, "That's for stealing my first kiss." When Jason opened his mouth to make a retort, Peter slapped him again.
Laughing at the stupid look on Jason's face, Peter added, "And that's for keeping me waiting for the second."
Fandom: bare, a pop opera
Written: November, 2009
Rating: PG-13
Words: 3800
Summary: 'He’s so cute when he’s sleeping,' Jason leaned forward again and brushed Peter’s bangs from his forehead, fingertips tingling as he touched the sleeping boy. // Another one of those famous "that day in September" fics, full of roommate bonding and fluff.
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His head was bent over the latest assignment, nearly blank paper bearing several hastily scribbled notes. Squinting his eyes, he tried to decipher whether he had written 'cone' or 'cove,' all the while regretting his lacking abilities in the note-taking area. His dark hair was hanging over his eyes, creating a curtain around his face. Brushing it away hastily just to have it fall back into place, he heard the door open.
"Hey," came the cool voice of his roommate. Steeling himself, Peter turned in his chair and gave Jason a brief smile, saying, "Hi," in a rather shaky voice. Clearing his throat, he tried again, repeating, "Hi."
"What're you working on?" Jason dropped his bookbag next to his bed neatly, the thud of books making Peter jump slightly. The taller boy came over to stand next to Peter's desk and look at the paper on his desk. Peter hastily turned back to his desk, bowing his head again so his hair could hide the pink tinge on his cheeks.
"Uh… English assignment," he managed to get out, leaning forward so as to not feel the heat radiating from Jason's body. He tried to turn his attention back to the one word that was giving him so much trouble.
"How can you read that?" Jason laughed, pointing to one of Peter's scrawled notes. Peter giggled as Jason's finger smudged the letters, but did not answer. Jason put a hand on Peter's shoulder and squeezed it lightly before crossing back over to the other side of the room. The squeal of bedsprings told Peter that Jason had collapsed on his bed, but he did not turn to look. After all, if a shoulder squeeze had made his heart race, he did not want to find out what seeing Jason lying in bed would do.
Instead he tried to concentrate on his notes again, but found this next to impossible. He tried to remember what had happened in class earlier, but remembered nothing except how the back of Jason's head had looked. Well, that and fighting to stay awake as the heating system made the room stuffy and the fluorescent lights had made little lights dance in Jason's hair.
Groaning, Peter laid his face in his hands, closing his eyes and willing himself to remember anything from class.
He nearly jumped a foot in the air when he felt Jason's hands tighten around his shoulders. Turning so abruptly that his movements made Jason's hands fall from his shoulders, Peter asked, "What's up?"
Jason's expression was one of surprise. His eyes were widened and he had a small smile playing about his lips. "Relax, man," he replaced his hands on Peter's shoulders and began moving his thumbs in small circles.
Peter turned back to his desk slowly, eyes practically bugging out of his head. He bit his lips to keep his mouth shut, lest an inappropriate noise or a stupid comment find its way out.
"Did you think I didn't see you sleeping in class?" Jason asked, which made Peter giggle again. "You're exhausted; you should take a nap or something before dinner." Peter sighed heavily as Jason added, "Don't worry about the English homework; you can copy my notes from class."
"Thanks," Peter let himself say, making to straighten up and take Jason's advice.
"Hey, hey," Jason pressed on Peter's shoulders, forcing him to stay in his chair. "Who said I was done?" Peter found himself giggling again, hair thankfully still hiding his blush. His posture slumped as Jason kept working on his shoulders and a warm bubble was working up inside him. His head fell to rest on his desk, eyes closing and breathing becoming more regular.
Jason was saying something, but Peter could not concentrate on the words. His desk lamp was warming his face while Jason's hands warmed his shoulders and he sighed heavily. His sigh turned into a yawn halfway through.
"Come here," Jason instructed, voice soft. His hands found their way under Peter's arms, helping him up. Leaning heavily on his roommate for support, Peter hobbled over to his bed. Jason helped his now completely limp form into it and Peter automatically curled his body into a small ball. His breathing became regular and deep, a sure sign he was seconds away from sleep.
The boy needs to stop waking up in the middle of the night to finish homework, Jason thought. He looked at the form of his sleeping roommate, wondering - not for the first time - why Peter gave himself such a strange sleeping schedule.
Does he think I don't notice? Jason shook his head, kneeling down and biting back a chuckle as he realized that Peter was still wearing his shoes. I'm his roommate, after all. And besides, he leaned closer and began untying Peter's shoes, I'm a very light sleeper. His alarm wakes me up every time, even though I pretend to stay asleep.
Jason loosened Peter's laces so his shoes would slide off neatly. As predicted, they came off with no problem and Jason laid them beside his roommate's bed. Shifting his posture back and leaning on his hands for support, Jason looked at Peter's face. The boy had a small smile on his face, which made one appear on Jason's.
He's so cute when he's sleeping, Jason leaned forward again and brushed Peter's bangs from his forehead, fingertips tingling as he touched the sleeping boy. Chuckling softly to himself and feeling a blush rise in his cheeks, Jason stood up and crossed back over to his own bed. He kicked off his own shoes, lying down so he was facing Peter.
I never realized how far away he seems, Jason noted the distance between the beds for the first time. Even though the dorm rooms at St. Cecelia's were so small there was barely enough room for two students to live in them, three feet can seem like three miles when there is something you want on the other side. Jason scooted to the edge of his bed and reached across the gap, noting how his arm was not long enough to reach Peter's bed.
"Probably for the best," Jason whispered to himself, bringing his arm back to his side and curling up into a ball to match Peter's. He began controlling his breathing to match Peter's, barely blinking as he looked fondly at his roommate.
Even though he enjoyed stolen moments like this, when Peter was completely unaware of how he stared, a deep clenching in the pit of his stomach was ever-present. It ruined times like these, when he should be able to look at his roommate without feeling guilty. He noticed every little idiosyncrasy there was to notice about Peter, but at the same time he struggled to forget everything.
The clenching in his stomach hardened when a little voice in his head whispered, And it's not like you were just trying to help him relax earlier, either.
Jason sighed, breaking his rhythmic breathing, as he realized the voice was right. If all his years playing various sports had taught him anything, it was how to give a killer massage. He knew that Peter was stressed and tired, practically inviting him over. Jason tried to shake the memory of how Peter's shoulders had felt, tried to forget how he had been able to make his roommate collapse on top of his desk.
He would be lying if he tried to say that he hadn't expected Peter to need help getting into bed. Jason's eyes closed and he sighed again, unwilling to acknowledge how good it had felt to carry Peter even that short distance. He knew it meant nothing, he knew Peter would not remember it happening, but it was little things like this that kept Jason hoping that maybe Peter felt the same.
Closing his eyes even though he wasn't tired, Jason tried to imagine what would happen if he told Peter how he felt. Peter might not feel the same at all; Jason could very well be imagining the blush that he sometimes saw on Peter's cheeks or Peter's tendency to become very clumsy any time Jason looked at him.
Maybe he was imagining everything in his desperation to find someone who would empathize with him. Nobody else at school seemed to have any problems at all, let alone one this serious. Many times he had considered talking to the priest, asking him for advice, but that would mean admitting weakness. It would mean admitting to himself that he wasn't normal, and he was not about to do that.
His eyes flew open as he heard Peter stir, and he hastily turned the other way so he was facing the wall. He tried to control his breathing, to make it sound like he was asleep. The last thing he wanted was for Peter to find out that he had been watching him.
Peter sat up, looking around the room groggily. Even though he had only been asleep for mere minutes, he felt as if he had been out for hours. He rubbed his eyes, blinked, and scanned the room again. His eyes fell on his roommate, who was curled up in a ball facing the wall.
A small smile tugged at Peter's lips as he listened to Jason's slow breathing. Had he fallen asleep as well? He bit his lip and forced himself to look away from Jason's bed. Instead he focused on the sheets on his bed, staring guiltily at the white fabric.
This is the reason you wake up every night to pray, he reminded himself. You aren't supposed to feel like this for another boy. A gasp escaped his lips as he started crying, wishing for what had to be the thousandth time that he had not agreed to be Jason's roommate again. He had foolishly thought that spending time with him would teach him to like him as a friend, but the exact opposite was happening.
Peter buried his face in his hands, feeling the tears run down his wrists and onto his arms. It soaked through his sleeves. His breath was coming in short gasps now, which he tried his hardest to stifle. He didn't want to wake Jason up.
Obviously someone had it in for Peter, for he felt someone who had to be Jason sit down beside him, wrapping an arm protectively around his shoulders. Peter looked up, seeing his roommate's concerned face swimming in front of him.
"What's up?" Jason asked him, and Peter could tell by his tone that he cared. Gulping and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, Peter shook his head, saying, "Nothing," meekly.
"No, it's not nothing," Jason insisted, removing his arm and scooting a few inches away so he could see Peter better. Looking him pointedly in the eye, Jason said, "Something has to be wrong if you're crying. Is it schoolwork?"
Peter shook his head, completely at a loss for words. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't tell Jason that he had a massive gay crush on him; that just wouldn't do.
"You homesick?" Jason tried again. It was only the third week of school, but he remembered from last year that Peter got homesick easily. Peter shook his head, so Jason pressed on, listing a number of common problems the students had.
"Did you get someone pregnant?" Jason asked, which startled Peter.
"No!" he said angrily, offended his roommate would even think that. Jason merely chuckled, muttering, "Good, I didn't think so."
Jason sighed and reached out to take Peter's hand. Peter stared at their hands, his guilt coming back again. Jason thought he was comforting Peter, but this small interaction meant the world to him. Jason squeezed his hand, saying, "Please tell me. I don't like seeing you upset."
Peter just stared at their hands, trying to stop an endless number of fantasies that were swirling around in his head. He took a couple deep, shuddering breaths, reminding himself that it was a sin to feel this way. If he gave in to temptation, he would go to Hell. That's what the Bible said. That's what Father said. That's what his parents said.
"Have you ever been afraid of yourself?" Peter asked softly, still staring at their hands. He didn't have the courage to look Jason in the face.
"Yeah," Jason followed Peter's gaze to their hands, resisting the urge to lace their fingers with difficulty. Instead he squeezed Peter's hand again, saying, "I think everyone feels that way sometimes. But why are you afraid of yourself?"
"Uh…" Peter kept staring at their hands, part of him wishing Jason would let go. "I'm afraid that there's something wrong with me. I mean, sometimes I think I go against the Bible too much."
"And you're afraid of going to Hell," Jason said what Peter couldn't, looking up at his roommate to see Peter's gaze still fixed on their hands. Judging by the way Peter sighed and his posture slumped, Jason had found the root of the problem. But why did Peter feel like this? Jason knew why he did, but he couldn't imagine why his sweet, ever-innocent roommate could think he was going to Hell.
"Jason," Peter looked up, locking his teary eyes with his roommate's blue ones, "I'm scared. It's just so hard to live like Father says we should. It must be easy for you; you're smart and confident and you always seem to have the right answers for everything."
"Trust me, I don't," Jason said softly, smiling slightly. He felt his face flush at Peter's compliment, and he fought to keep eye contact. Peter raised an eyebrow at Jason's comment, which made him laugh. "Okay, so maybe it seems that way," he admitted, "but, come on Peter, you're my roommate. You know I'm just like everyone else."
"Well, there was that time last semester…" Peter started hesitantly, chuckling through his tears and making a broad smile cross Jason's face; he knew what was coming. "You didn't score a single basket the entire season and Coach asked you to leave the team." Jason started laughing, hearing Peter's hiccoughing chuckles accompanying him. "I remember you worried about what to tell your father for weeks afterward."
"See, there ya go," Jason shrugged, throwing his hands in the air for emphasis. "Completely normal guy."
"Who just happens to be the school prodigy at everything… except basketball," Peter added with a giggle. Jason laughed again, unconsciously taking Peter's hand again as he did so. Peter's eyes widened and he looked down at their hands again, making Jason aware that he probably should not have done that.
"Sorry," he said hastily, releasing Peter's hand and folding his own together and laying them in his lap. "Anyway, back to your problem," Jason changed the subject, feeling guilty for making Peter remember why they had started talking in the first place. "I want to help you; tell me what's up."
He watched Peter squirm, feeling his own heart race. Peter had no idea how adorable he was when he was nervous, and Jason mentally chastised himself for thinking that. Not only was it a horrible thing to enjoy the side effect of his roommate's nerves, but he shouldn't be feeling this way in the first place. Squeezing his hands together, he watched Peter mimic this action, tucking his folded fingers between his legs.
"You won't believe me," Peter's voice was smaller than Jason had ever heard it.
"Try me," Jason dared him, looking at Peter's face until his roommate looked up. He caught Peter's eye and held it, as if to assure him that everything was okay. This made Peter tremble, obviously terrified out of his mind.
"Fine, maybe you'll believe me," Peter was speaking so softly that Jason had to lean in closer to hear him, "but you won't like me anymore. I don't know how anyone will; it's that bad."
Jason knew he was in deep water now. His roommate really didn't want to tell him the problem, regardless of how silly it would seem compared to his own problem. So, throwing caution to the wind, he said suddenly, "Okay, I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you a secret and then you'll tell me your problem."
Peter was taken completely aback by this offer. What Jason was about to tell him couldn't possibly compare with how horrible his own problem was. He was still shaking, unable to regain control of his movements. He swallowed hard, figuring that if whatever Jason's secret was ended up being something stupid, he could just make something up.
But now it seemed like Jason was getting just as nervous as he felt. Jason, always the brave one of the two, had dropped his gaze to his lap, breaking eye contact. Peter could hear him mumbling to himself and twisting his fingers together. Whatever he was about to say truly was something he was struggling with.
When Jason looked back up, Peter was shocked to see that he too had tears in his eyes. Throwing all his inhibitions aside, Peter reached over and grabbed hold of Jason's hand, taking over the role of comforter.
"It's okay," he reassured his roommate, who had so recently been telling him the same thing. Jason let out a shaky laugh and said, "I could tell you why I'm so nervous, but it would pretty much be every reason you've already told me." Peter smiled slightly, tightening his hold on Jason's hand.
"Pete," Jason caught his roommate's gaze again, looking directly into his eyes as if his life depended on it, "Pete, I think I'm gay."
Peter let go of Jason's hand, head dropping to stare at his own lap and eyes blurring with tears. His breath was shaky, and he was certain that he had heard wrong. Jason, his roommate Jason, the star of St. Cecelia's and his secret crush, couldn't be gay. It was way too… convenient.
"Who put you up to it?" Peter asked his lap, voice cracking and completely broken.
"What?" the panic in Jason's voice was evident, but Peter chose to ignore it.
"I mean, who's paying you to tell me that?" Peter looked back up angrily, tears streaming down his face again. "I always knew Zack had a twisted sense of humor, but if he seriously thinks that-"
"Pete!" Jason was clearly shocked by his roommate's reaction. "Calm down, nobody told me to say that!"
"Then you came up with that all by yourself?" Peter's voice went up an octave and he stood up so quickly that Jason missed this sudden movement. "You just decided one day, 'Oh, I'm bored, I think I'll tell my roommate that I like boys and see how that blows over!' Well I'll have you know something, it fucking sucks to be different, and to have someone like you - someone I thought was my friend - poking fun at something that sensitive, well… I…" He was at a complete loss for words, anger completely getting the better of him.
"Pete, I'm telling the truth!" Jason stood up also, standing a good six inches taller than the smaller boy. "I would never make fun of someone for something that stupid!"
"Oh, so now people struggling with their sexual identity are stupid?" Peter yelled incredulously, turning away from Jason.
"That's not what I meant," Jason obviously hadn't thought through his choice of words.
"Then what?" Peter challenged, turning back around and obviously livid. "What on earth are you trying to accomplish by telling me that you're gay?" He was staring Jason down, making the taller boy seem so much smaller and timid.
When Jason took a step closer, Peter thought he was about to get punched. Jason was about to pin him against the wall or push him over and pummel him, he was sure. But when Jason reached out, his hands cupped Peter's face gently, leading him closer carefully and slowly, as if afraid that pulling too fast would hurt him.
And then before Peter had even comprehended the situation, he felt his frown soften, felt one of Jason's hands move to the back of his neck, tilting his head upward. Jason lowered himself ever so slightly, lips just brushing against Peter's in what had to be the briefest and gentlest kiss in history.
But then it was as if nothing had happened. Jason, obviously angry at Peter for his previous reaction, said, "That's why, idiot," and pushed him away so hard that the smaller boy stumbled backwards. Jason in his turn sank down on his bed, breathing heavily and looking as if he had just received news that someone had died. Peter stayed where he was, looking at his roommate as if he had never seen him before.
"Please tell me this isn't just some big joke," Peter said suddenly, and Jason's attention was fixed back on his roommate. He raised an eyebrow and fixed Peter with an expressing that clearly said that if Peter didn't believe him, he was the biggest idiot on the planet. "Well, in that case…"
Peter walked over to where Jason sat, the taller boy looking up hopefully. Without preamble or warning, Peter slapped him across the face, saying in an annoyed voice, "That's for stealing my first kiss." When Jason opened his mouth to make a retort, Peter slapped him again.
Laughing at the stupid look on Jason's face, Peter added, "And that's for keeping me waiting for the second."