Sonnet I: Shrapnel

[buzzerzen]

My livejournal is heretofore dedicated to writing a sonnet daily (or as close as possible). Shakespearean for now. Perhaps Petrarchan some other time, but these have some more structure, which helps. Please critique them.

Sonnet I: Shrapnel

Fear we useless toys of metal knives
When old ideals conceived and then betrayed,
The piercing painful

Comments

[wanderingsphinx]

You are quite talented. Excellent imagery and unifying theme.

Have you considered submitting to Threshold? (I'm not part of it, but the editors say they will be desperate for quality work next year.)

P.S. I hate to nitpick, but there's a "t" missing in "thought" of line 8, and perhaps add punctuation?

[buzzerzen]

Pfft. That one comma was a gut wrenching addition. Only the weak require punctuation.