Marauders to the End: Year One, Chapter Eighteen
TITLE: Grease!
FANDOM: Harry Potter
CHARACTERS: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, Professor McGonagall, OCs
RATING: PG-13
WARNINGS: None
SUMMARY: Sirius has a wicked, wicked idea.
AUTHOR COMMENTARY: My sister came up with most of this chapter. I thought it would be a good continuation of the main rivalry of the story, so here it is.
It was easy to ignore Severus Snape. At least, it was easier than Sirius had thought. Other than an occasional encounter in Potions and the hallways, the four boys didn’t even acknowledge his existence. That is, not until after Easter.
James was bored again, and this time Sirius was right with him. Despite their huge work load, they had absolutely nothing to do after classes. They’d been searching the library for anything that could be used to tame a werewolf, but so far had found nothing. Remus had pessimistically told them they wouldn’t, but James refused to believe it. Much like Captain James Tiberius Kirk, he didn’t believe in the no-win situation.
But that was going nowhere, and both boys were going mad without any entertainment. It was near the end of April that Sirius remembered the attempt on his life in the bookstore, and decided to get his revenge.
“You know, James,” he said one night in the common room over their daily essays. “I’ve been wanting to try a few things.”
“Oh?” James said, not looking up from his work.
“Yeah,” Sirius said. “And I have the perfect target.”
James looked up. “Trixie again?” he asked.
“No,” Sirius answered. “Someone a little more... permanent.”
“Who?”
“Severus Snape. You know, the one in Potions with the greasy hair and over sized nose.”
“Oh, him. What did you want to try?”
“Well...”
“Are you sure this is the way?” James hissed that night under the Invisibility Cloak.
“Positive,” Sirius whispered back. “Anny told me. Apparently they live to serve the students of Hogwarts.”
“Yes,” James conceded. “Technically, we’re their masters. But I somehow think that they give out food, not what’s left.”
“Well, technically, it’s still food. You can eat it.”
“Sirius, you’d eat anything. You’d probably eat the dishes if you wouldn’t get in trouble for it. And I still don’t think they’ll give it to us.”
“That’s not the only thing we need. We also need a number of spices and we’ll need to mix up a few potions as well.”
“Right. Here we are.”
Sirius reached out from under the Invisibility Cloak and tickled the large green pear in the painting. It began to laugh, swelling up, then changed into a large green doorknob. Sirius grasped it and opened the painting.
The kitchens were huge and clean and bright, and staffed with more House-Elves than either James or Sirius had ever seen before. Several of them smiled as the two boys took off the Invisibility Cloak. One small Elf hurried forward. She was slightly larger than the others, and her big brown eyes were especially bright.
“Welcome, young masters!” she squeaked. “We is honored to have you here! What can Hootsy get for you?”
“Hootsy, is it?” Sirius asked kindly. This Elf was much nicer than Kreacher. “We need several things of a rather unusual nature. Can you help?”
“Of course, sir! Anything we can gets for you, anything at all!”
“Great! Do you have any chili powder?”
“Here, sir!” another Elf cried, bringing it.
“Garlic salt?”
“Here!”
“Onion?”
“Yes, sir!”
“Limburger cheese?”
“Yes, sir!”
“Bacon grease?”
“Yes...” Hootsy stopped. “What is you wanting bacon grease for, sir?”
“Helps my digestion,” Sirius answered promptly. James began to laugh, but turned it into a cough when Sirius glared.
“Here you are, sir!” Hootsy squeaked as another Elf brought a large canister of bacon grease. “Is this enough, or should Hootsy send Pepsi for more?”
“That’s enough, thank you,” Sirius said. “Oh, and are there any �clairs left?”
“Of course, sir!” the Elf Pepsi squeaked. “Chocolate or butterscotch?”
“Either one.”
“You’re not going to waste good �clairs, are you?” James asked.
“No, of course not,” Sirius said. “I’m hungry.”
“You know, that’s why you need the bacon grease,” James said jokingly. Sirius whacked him on the back of the head.
Pepsi, a tiny Elf with wistful blue eyes and long eyelashes, soon returned with a trey. “Thanks, Pepsi!” Sirius said cheerfully, causing her to smile at him. Really, when they weren’t as old, batty and vile as Kreacher, House-Elves were quite cute.
“Is that all you is wanting, sir?” Hootsy asked.
“I think so, yes,” Sirius answered. “Thanks for your help, Hootsy.”
“Any time you is wanting it, sirs!” she called as James and Sirius turned and left the kitchens.
“Nice Elves,” Sirius commented on the way back to the dormitory. “Definitely have to visit again.”
“Even when they find out they were an unknowing accessory to our latest?” James asked.
On the fourth floor was a balcony overlooking the third floor. Or at least, there was every other Tuesday. That suited the plan well, as both James and Sirius knew that Snape had Charms every Tuesday afternoon and came out right under that balcony, which was only a few steps from Transfiguration on the fourth floor. So the very next Tuesday, James kept his Invisibility Cloak in his bag along with a vial of a vile solution. Not only did it contain the ingredients obtained from the Elves (except the �clairs), it also contained itching powder and a grease-resistant adhesive potion. It was just the thing to spice up the day for a certain greasy Slytherin.
The moment Transfiguration ended, James and Sirius were out the door and under the cloak. Within seconds, they were on the arbitrary balcony waiting for Snape to appear.
“Come on,” Sirius muttered. “Why does he have to be so slow?”
“Patience,” James hissed. “We need to time this exactly or we might hit an innocent bystander.”
They waited only a few minutes. Snape appeared at the end of the corridor below. James uncorked the vial and held it over the balcony. Just as Snape passed under the balcony, James poured the vile solution on him, where the adhesive set.
The students below shrieked at the smell, but Snape did not. He simply pulled out his wand and aimed a curse at the balcony. Sirius had expected this and ducked, but James wasn’t so lucky. He got hit and instantly turned a horrible shade of purple. “Shit!” he shouted, just as Professor McGonagall came out of her classroom to investigate the source of the screaming.
Over the next half hour, the vile solution was washed off Snape and James was put in detention for the next two weeks. Sirius had managed to escape with the Cloak.
“You deserve it, you know,” Remus said that night while James was ranting about the severity of the punishment. “That was beyond immature, that was downright mean.”
“Yeah, yeah,” James muttered. McGonagall had already read him the Riot Act.
Just then, Lily Evans strode over, green eyes blazing and red hair on end. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” she shouted at James.
“What do you mean?” James asked.
“I mean, why would you do that?”
“Because it’s funny.”
“Really?” Lily asked. “Is it funny that’s you’re still purple?”
“Shut up,” James snarled. McGonagall had refused to change him back, saying it was part of the punishment.
“Exactly,” Lily plowed on. “You humiliated someone without cause and made the third floor nearly impassible. You know it still smells down there?”
“Yes,” James muttered. “I’ve already heard it.”
As Lily stomped away, Sirius leaned forward. “You know, mate, you should be careful. Girls are dangerous.”
“Yeah,” Peter agreed. “And I think it was funny.”
“Thanks,” James said. “Thanks a lot.”
FANDOM: Harry Potter
CHARACTERS: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, Professor McGonagall, OCs
RATING: PG-13
WARNINGS: None
SUMMARY: Sirius has a wicked, wicked idea.
AUTHOR COMMENTARY: My sister came up with most of this chapter. I thought it would be a good continuation of the main rivalry of the story, so here it is.
It was easy to ignore Severus Snape. At least, it was easier than Sirius had thought. Other than an occasional encounter in Potions and the hallways, the four boys didn’t even acknowledge his existence. That is, not until after Easter.
James was bored again, and this time Sirius was right with him. Despite their huge work load, they had absolutely nothing to do after classes. They’d been searching the library for anything that could be used to tame a werewolf, but so far had found nothing. Remus had pessimistically told them they wouldn’t, but James refused to believe it. Much like Captain James Tiberius Kirk, he didn’t believe in the no-win situation.
But that was going nowhere, and both boys were going mad without any entertainment. It was near the end of April that Sirius remembered the attempt on his life in the bookstore, and decided to get his revenge.
“You know, James,” he said one night in the common room over their daily essays. “I’ve been wanting to try a few things.”
“Oh?” James said, not looking up from his work.
“Yeah,” Sirius said. “And I have the perfect target.”
James looked up. “Trixie again?” he asked.
“No,” Sirius answered. “Someone a little more... permanent.”
“Who?”
“Severus Snape. You know, the one in Potions with the greasy hair and over sized nose.”
“Oh, him. What did you want to try?”
“Well...”
“Are you sure this is the way?” James hissed that night under the Invisibility Cloak.
“Positive,” Sirius whispered back. “Anny told me. Apparently they live to serve the students of Hogwarts.”
“Yes,” James conceded. “Technically, we’re their masters. But I somehow think that they give out food, not what’s left.”
“Well, technically, it’s still food. You can eat it.”
“Sirius, you’d eat anything. You’d probably eat the dishes if you wouldn’t get in trouble for it. And I still don’t think they’ll give it to us.”
“That’s not the only thing we need. We also need a number of spices and we’ll need to mix up a few potions as well.”
“Right. Here we are.”
Sirius reached out from under the Invisibility Cloak and tickled the large green pear in the painting. It began to laugh, swelling up, then changed into a large green doorknob. Sirius grasped it and opened the painting.
The kitchens were huge and clean and bright, and staffed with more House-Elves than either James or Sirius had ever seen before. Several of them smiled as the two boys took off the Invisibility Cloak. One small Elf hurried forward. She was slightly larger than the others, and her big brown eyes were especially bright.
“Welcome, young masters!” she squeaked. “We is honored to have you here! What can Hootsy get for you?”
“Hootsy, is it?” Sirius asked kindly. This Elf was much nicer than Kreacher. “We need several things of a rather unusual nature. Can you help?”
“Of course, sir! Anything we can gets for you, anything at all!”
“Great! Do you have any chili powder?”
“Here, sir!” another Elf cried, bringing it.
“Garlic salt?”
“Here!”
“Onion?”
“Yes, sir!”
“Limburger cheese?”
“Yes, sir!”
“Bacon grease?”
“Yes...” Hootsy stopped. “What is you wanting bacon grease for, sir?”
“Helps my digestion,” Sirius answered promptly. James began to laugh, but turned it into a cough when Sirius glared.
“Here you are, sir!” Hootsy squeaked as another Elf brought a large canister of bacon grease. “Is this enough, or should Hootsy send Pepsi for more?”
“That’s enough, thank you,” Sirius said. “Oh, and are there any �clairs left?”
“Of course, sir!” the Elf Pepsi squeaked. “Chocolate or butterscotch?”
“Either one.”
“You’re not going to waste good �clairs, are you?” James asked.
“No, of course not,” Sirius said. “I’m hungry.”
“You know, that’s why you need the bacon grease,” James said jokingly. Sirius whacked him on the back of the head.
Pepsi, a tiny Elf with wistful blue eyes and long eyelashes, soon returned with a trey. “Thanks, Pepsi!” Sirius said cheerfully, causing her to smile at him. Really, when they weren’t as old, batty and vile as Kreacher, House-Elves were quite cute.
“Is that all you is wanting, sir?” Hootsy asked.
“I think so, yes,” Sirius answered. “Thanks for your help, Hootsy.”
“Any time you is wanting it, sirs!” she called as James and Sirius turned and left the kitchens.
“Nice Elves,” Sirius commented on the way back to the dormitory. “Definitely have to visit again.”
“Even when they find out they were an unknowing accessory to our latest?” James asked.
On the fourth floor was a balcony overlooking the third floor. Or at least, there was every other Tuesday. That suited the plan well, as both James and Sirius knew that Snape had Charms every Tuesday afternoon and came out right under that balcony, which was only a few steps from Transfiguration on the fourth floor. So the very next Tuesday, James kept his Invisibility Cloak in his bag along with a vial of a vile solution. Not only did it contain the ingredients obtained from the Elves (except the �clairs), it also contained itching powder and a grease-resistant adhesive potion. It was just the thing to spice up the day for a certain greasy Slytherin.
The moment Transfiguration ended, James and Sirius were out the door and under the cloak. Within seconds, they were on the arbitrary balcony waiting for Snape to appear.
“Come on,” Sirius muttered. “Why does he have to be so slow?”
“Patience,” James hissed. “We need to time this exactly or we might hit an innocent bystander.”
They waited only a few minutes. Snape appeared at the end of the corridor below. James uncorked the vial and held it over the balcony. Just as Snape passed under the balcony, James poured the vile solution on him, where the adhesive set.
The students below shrieked at the smell, but Snape did not. He simply pulled out his wand and aimed a curse at the balcony. Sirius had expected this and ducked, but James wasn’t so lucky. He got hit and instantly turned a horrible shade of purple. “Shit!” he shouted, just as Professor McGonagall came out of her classroom to investigate the source of the screaming.
Over the next half hour, the vile solution was washed off Snape and James was put in detention for the next two weeks. Sirius had managed to escape with the Cloak.
“You deserve it, you know,” Remus said that night while James was ranting about the severity of the punishment. “That was beyond immature, that was downright mean.”
“Yeah, yeah,” James muttered. McGonagall had already read him the Riot Act.
Just then, Lily Evans strode over, green eyes blazing and red hair on end. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” she shouted at James.
“What do you mean?” James asked.
“I mean, why would you do that?”
“Because it’s funny.”
“Really?” Lily asked. “Is it funny that’s you’re still purple?”
“Shut up,” James snarled. McGonagall had refused to change him back, saying it was part of the punishment.
“Exactly,” Lily plowed on. “You humiliated someone without cause and made the third floor nearly impassible. You know it still smells down there?”
“Yes,” James muttered. “I’ve already heard it.”
As Lily stomped away, Sirius leaned forward. “You know, mate, you should be careful. Girls are dangerous.”
“Yeah,” Peter agreed. “And I think it was funny.”
“Thanks,” James said. “Thanks a lot.”