Therapy 7/?
Dear Diary,
It must suck to be an adult and have all the fun in life sucked out of your soul. Don’t do that, it might be mean. Don’t do that, it might hurt someone. Don’t do that, it might get someone’s hopes up. Oh bloody Christ. Then don’t get your fucking hopes up to begin with! It’s not my fault.
Don’t get your hopes up, then you’ll never be disappointed! It’s that easy. I shouldn’t have to cater to stupid idealistic hopers.
I give up. This is why I just don’t give a shit. Because you can never please everyone. You will always hurt someone in the long run.
She’s everywhere!
***********
SESSION TEN
[Therapist]: I’m glad to see you today.
[Naomi]: Wish I could say the same.
[Therapist]: How was school?
[Naomi]: It was school.
[Therapist]: How are things at home?
[Naomi]: Ridiculous as ever.
[Therapist]: And how is your social life?
[Naomi]: Check, check, check. Just going down the list aren’t you? What social life?
[Therapist]: The social life you’ve been working on building.
[Naomi]: Oh, you mean the one you’ve been forcing me to pretend like I care about having.
[Therapist]: Have you not enjoyed it?
[Naomi]: Does it seem like I have?
[Therapist]: Do you have any plans with your friends?
[Naomi]: Friends…
[Therapist]: Do you? Or will you mainly be protesting things these coming weeks?
[Naomi]: Ha…ha…yeah, I’m boycotting friendship.
[Therapist]: So the experiment is over?
[Naomi]: It was over before it started.
[Therapist]: I wouldn’t say that. I think you made a lot of progress, when you were trying.
[Naomi]: When I was humouring you.
[Therapist]: Right.
[Naomi]: And what do you mean progress? Progress on what scale? Whose scale? Who determines what ‘progress’ is anyway?
[Therapist]: Progress on you becoming a happier Naomi.
[Naomi]: Newsflash, I was happier before.
[Therapist]: Do you really feel that way?
[Naomi]: Honestly? My life sucks either way, okay? Friends or no friends.
[Therapist]: If it makes no difference either way, how about we continue the experiment?
[Naomi]: Jesus, you never let up do you?
[Therapist]: Have you had any more invites or parties?
[Naomi]: No parties. Cook invited me to a dumb quiz thing.
[Therapist]: Who is Cook?
[Naomi]: A stupid tosser.
[Therapist]: A stupid tosser that you consider to be a friend?
[Naomi]: No, just a stupid tosser. But he’s mildly entertaining. In a…train wreck sort of way.
[Therapist]: And how is Emily?
[Naomi]: Couldn’t resist could you?
[Therapist]: I think she is a very important topic for our discussions. Do you not?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: So, how is she?
[Naomi]: Annoying as ever.
[Therapist]: She’s back to being annoying then?
[Naomi]: She was always annoying. That never stopped.
[Therapist]: But you kissed her?
[Naomi]: Yeah. And?
[Therapist]: Why kiss her if you find her so annoying?
[Naomi]: I was high, remember?
[Therapist]: But you also enjoyed it.
[Naomi]: I enjoy a lot of stupid shit.
[Therapist]: Have you spoken to her since you kissed?
[Naomi]: A little.
[Therapist]: About the kiss?
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: What have you talked about?
[Naomi]: Okay so, we haven’t really talked about anything. I’ve kind of been avoiding her…
[Therapist]: Why have you been avoiding her?
[Naomi]: Why do you think?
[Therapist]: But I thought you said you’d had fun.
[Naomi]: I might have…at that time.
[Therapist]: But now you regret it?
[Naomi]: I don’t know.
[Therapist]: Are you ashamed that you kissed Emily?
[Naomi]: Not ashamed, no. It wasn’t a big deal.
[Therapist]: Are you ashamed that you kissed her knowing it was a big deal to her?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Is that why you’re avoiding her?
[Naomi]: You’re the one who told me to leave her alone.
[Therapist]: I said no such thing.
[Naomi]: You basically did.
[Therapist]: No, I simply said that you should pause to think about where things might lead if you continued down that road.
[Naomi]: Whatever.
[Therapist]: Last time we spoke, you seemed to think it would lead no where, that it wasn’t and would never be serious.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Do you no longer hold that opinion?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Is that why you are avoiding her?
[Naomi]: I don’t know. You made me think, okay?
[Therapist]: About what?
[Naomi]: I don’t know.
[Therapist]: What is it you want from Emily?
[Naomi]: Nothing.
[Therapist]: I think you want something more than just nothing, Naomi.
[Naomi]: Well, you think wrong.
[Therapist]: You don’t want her friendship?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Do you enjoy being around her?
[Naomi]: She’s okay.
[Therapist]: You don’t say that about many people.
[Naomi]: Many people suck.
[Therapist]: But Emily doesn’t.
[Naomi]: No, Emily doesn’t. Usually.
[Therapist]: So you would like to be her friend?
[Naomi]: You were right, okay? It wasn’t nothing to her. She wants more.
[Therapist]: More than you do?
[Naomi]: More than I’m willing to give. She waits for me in the morning at school everyday. Everyday. I walked with her the first few times. But that was a mistake, because then she started waiting for me at lunch and sometimes after school. She’d offer to walk home with me, even though she doesn’t even live in the same direction.
[Therapist]: Friends sometimes do that, don’t they?
[Naomi]: Not like this…you haven’t seen the way she looks at me.
[Therapist]: How does she look at you?
[Naomi]: Like she’s … hopeful.
[Therapist]: Hopeful about?
[Naomi]: I don’t know. It’s just…like…invasive staring. I don’t know. Well, I mean, I know. I know the way she looks at me isn’t just friendly. It’s like…she’s so fucking needy, you know? Like it would take so much to fill that up.
[Therapist]: And you don’t think you could do that?
[Naomi]: I know I couldn’t. I don’t want to.
[Therapist]: Because it’s overwhelming to feel needed?
[Naomi]: Maybe.
[Therapist]: Like you’ll never live up to expectations, always let her down?
[Naomi]: Maybe.
[Therapist]: So, I have a question for you. And I’d like for you to try to be honest with yourself. If you need time to answer, take it.
[Naomi]: Okay…
[Therapist]: Are you attracted to women?
[Naomi]: Wow, just bloody come out with it, don’t you?
[Therapist]: Would you rather skirt around it?
[Naomi]: Maybe.
[Therapist]: If that is what you prefer…
[Naomi]: Okay, so, sure I find women beautiful. I also find flowers beautiful. That doesn’t mean I want to fuck flowers. Appreciate them, smell them maybe, but certainly not fuck them.
[Therapist]: And Emily?
[Naomi]: No. I don’t want to fuck her anymore than I want to fuck a flower.
[Therapist]: But would you like to appreciate her, smell her?
[Naomi]: Oh my god, you have a sense of humour! Good for you. Wow. You were holding out on me.
[Therapist]: Are you attracted to her?
[Naomi]: What do you mean ‘attracted to’?
[Therapist]: Do you find her appealing?
[Naomi]: What do you mean by ‘appealing’?
[Therapist]: Do you find pleasure in looking at her?
[Naomi]: What kind of pleasure?
[Therapist]: The simplest kind.
[Naomi]: She’s attractive. I think most people would agree that she is fairly okay to look at.
[Therapist]: Do you go out of your way to look at her?
[Naomi]: Not out of my way. No.
[Therapist]: How does it make you feel to know that she is attracted to you?
[Naomi]: Is she?
[Therapist]: Isn’t she?
[Naomi]: ...
[Therapist]: I think you know that she is.
[Naomi]: Then she’s stupid.
[Therapist]: Why? You don’t think you’re beautiful?
[Naomi]: I don’t think I’m hideous…but I’m not beautiful. Not like she is…like how people think she is…and her sister is…how they are. You know, twins, package deal…guys drool over them.
[Therapist]: You think Emily’s sister is attractive?
[Naomi]: She’s alright. She’d be prettier if she weren’t such a bitch.
[Therapist]: But you’re not attracted to her?
[Naomi]: Oh god no! What the hell is wrong with you?
[Therapist]: But you are attracted to Emily?
[Naomi]: I said she was okay to look at.
[Therapist]: But so are flowers. But you’re not attracted to flowers, are you?
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: Are you attracted to Emily?
[Naomi]: I don’t know, okay? Jesus Christ. How many times can you ask the same fucking question?
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: So this quiz thing your friend Cook invited you to, are you planning to go?
[Naomi]: I don’t know.
[Therapist]: Will Emily be there?
[Naomi]: Probably.
[Therapist]: Does that make you want to go more or less?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: You can’t avoid her forever.
[Naomi]: I probably could actually.
[Therapist]: Is that what you really want?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: I didn’t think so.
[Naomi]: I didn’t say anything.
[Therapist]: I think you should go.
[Naomi]: Good for you.
[Therapist]: Will you?
[Naomi]: I said I don’t know!
[Therapist]: You should go. Talk to Emily.
[Naomi]: Why don’t you go and talk to Emily for me?
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: If I go, I won’t be talking to Emily.
[Therapist]: No one says you have to. But it might be a good idea.
[Naomi]: Why?
[Therapist]: Why do you think, Naomi?
[Naomi]: Am I talking to a wall here? Hello, hello…echo, echo. What fucking use are you if you just shoot back every question? You’re less helpful than my diary.
[Therapist]: You have a diary?
[Naomi]: Oh my god. You’re bloody frustrating!
[Therapist]: Does having a diary help you?
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: But you continue to write in it?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Are you honest with your diary?
[Naomi]: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
[Therapist]: When you write in it, do you write with the expectation that someone may or will find it someday?
[Naomi]: No. Why would I lie to a fucking book?
[Therapist]: You can only be as honest with it as you are with yourself.
[Naomi]: Wow, okay. So now I’m lying to myself. Thanks.
[Therapist]: Are you?
[Naomi]: Well, if I’m delusional and lying to myself, do you really think I’d be aware enough to accurately assess whether I was lying to myself?
[Therapist]: Good point.
[Naomi]: I know.
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: Oh look at the time.
[Therapist]: Have fun at the quiz, Naomi.
[Naomi]: I didn’t say I was going.
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: Ugh!