Say You Love Me Now
Title: Say You Love Me Now
Characters: Nate/Serena
Rating/Word Count: PG/1,500
One-Line Excerpt: When she's 25, she realizes she's never going to love anyone the way Nate loves her.
When she's 25, she realizes she's never going to love anyone the way Nate loves her.
(She's never going to love anyone the way she loves him back.)
Of course, he's with someone else.
... ... ...
So she tries to ignore it, avoid it, pretend it isn't true. It should be easy.
She's been doing it forever.
... ... ...
There's a man in Boston who comes in to see her every Friday and they sit in hotel rooms and restaurants and talk. He calls her beautiful and she knows that's her cue to blush, but she never does.
She's out to dinner with him once and sees Nate with his new girl. Well, she's not really new. It's been a year.
She tells Henry she's sick and has him drop her off at home, doesn't let him take care of her like he offers to do.
When she wakes up in the morning, she sees a text from Nate, asking if she's okay because she didn't look like herself last night.
She thinks maybe she's only herself when she's with him.
She doesn't message him back because she doesn't think that's the kind of thing you say in a text from across town when you can't remember the last real conversation you actually had.
... ... ...
It's very odd, knowing Blair and Dan's relationship lasted longer than her own with him.
The breakup is messy and she's forced to choose sides (that's how Blair works; she knows this) and Dan may be her step-brother, but Blair is her sister.
She still goes to the loft when he asks to see her, and when he kisses her, there's tequila on his lips and she really wishes she could do this.
"Blair doesn't need to know," he says, sounding every bit as pathetic as he looks.
"Dan," Serena laughs, "Blair knows everything."
She walks out the door and doesn't spend too long thinking about being 16 and coming back to this city and having her best friend yell things at her about a different boy all together.
Blair called this nearly 10 years ago, that Serena and Nate would always...
Just always.
... ... ...
She spends two weeks in the Hamptons, lays in the sun at her family's house, reads books she doesn't care about and consumes her weight in sweet iced tea.
Nate shows up at her door with his girlfriend in tow and ruins everything.
Eric invited him.
"Serena, I didn't know he'd bring..." Eric sighs and sits at the edge of her bed. She feels young again, and like he should know better and she should just get over it.
The difference is, he does know better and she can't get over it.
"It doesn't matter," she says.
Eric smiles sadly and shakes his head. "It kind of does."
She puts on a pretty dress and helps entertain their guests, avoids any direct conversation with the girl she wants to be.
Nate won't look Serena in the eye.
... ... ...
She sleeps with Carter Baizen in the fall because he's there and it's cold and it's been too long. He laughs at how eager she is, but she doesn't care.
She picks him, of all people, because he's never treated her like glass and she doesn't need him to.
She's already broken anyway.
... ... ...
"You could just admit it," Blair says when they're dressed in vintage gowns and watching Nate across the room.
Serena glares, drains the rest of her martini, sees Chuck at the bar giving orders to one of his staff. "So could you."
... ... ...
She's tired of waiting and she's tired of feeling like this, but she's not vindictive enough to scheme and break Nate up with his girlfriend. All she can do is tell him the truth and let him do with it what he wants. Or she can keep pretending, but that hasn't worked out too well for her.
She's at his place one morning before work, because she knows he spends most of his evenings with the other woman.
(It doesn't feel wrong to call her that, either, considering. He told Serena he'd always love her, once, and she's going to believe him.)
He lets her in, smiles a little and offers her a cup of coffee. She loves that he doesn't find it strange for her to show up unannounced, even if they really only see each other at functions every week or two these days.
She tries to be coy and cute, and he tries to talk to her about current events. She's more successful than he is. He eventually puts down the newspaper and just smiles at her, walks towards her, and her heart races until she realizes he's just reaching for another croissant from the counter behind her. She sips from her cup and looks at him through her lashes.
"What?" he laughs. "Stop that."
"What?" she asks innocently.
He blows out a quick breath and shakes his head.
"What's with the surprise visit? I mean, not that I mind or anything."
"Nothing." He smiles at her like she's precious, and she can't stop herself. "I'm still in love with you." His face goes blank. She should have stopped herself. "I shouldn't have said that."
She sets down her mug, turning away from him quickly, and grabs her bag off the counter so she can leave.
"Wait," he mutters darkly, grabbing her arm just a little too hard. "What?"
She doesn't turn around and he doesn't take his hand off her. She closes her eyes; this is so embarrassing and so stupid, and he has a girlfriend and she's 10 years too late with this confession.
"I'm sorry," she says, "but it's true."
He loosens his hold, rubs his thumb over her skin and she feels his breath on her neck when he breathes out. "Why did you tell me that?"
She wants to see him, wants to know his reaction, other than the surprise he's feeling. She turns around and he's just looking down at her with his eyes all confused, and just like always, it doesn't matter who is dating whom, it just matters that the two of them are having a conversation on something that isn't entirely superficial. It's about them, and they've done this maybe a handful of times in their lives, and it's a big deal.
"I don't know," she says. There are tears in her eyes she really didn't notice until now. "In case it means something, maybe."
"Serena," he sighs, sounding exhausted. She has that affect on people and she hates it.
She leaves before he can say anything else, mostly because she doesn't think his words will feel very nice once he finds them.
... ... ...
She drowns her sorrows at Chuck's new bar.
He laughs at her when she tells the story, says, "He's even slower than I thought if he didn't already know."
... ... ...
"Where were you with this five years ago?" he asks as soon as she opens her door to him.
She can think of nothing better to say than, "You knew I loved you."
He pushes past her into her apartment and she closes the door, locks it. "Yeah. It was really obvious when you left."
"Nate," she whispers.
"Fuck, Serena, of course it means something," he says, running his hand through his hair and thoroughly messing it up. She thinks it's sexy, but doesn't want to say it. "We have really bad timing. It's like someone always has to get hurt if you and I want to be together."
She shrugs her shoulder and tucks her hands up into her sleeves. "I don't really feel great when we're not together." She lifts her eyes to meet his and asks, "Do you want us to be together?"
He gives her this little smile and tilts his head like she's silly for even questioning it. She's hugging him before she realizes she even wants to, and he bends his head so his lips are against her collar bone.
"I always pick you," he says. "Since we were kids."
She smiles and kisses the side of his neck. "Don't stop, okay?"
"Okay."