Look, I Can Flutter Better Than You Thought (Epilogue)
EPILOGUE (Jinki’s POV)
Things take on a really bad turn after our vacation in Japan. I remember waking up in a hospital bed, and instantly I knew something was very wrong.
Kibum, Minho and Taemin looked happy and glad that I awoke, but somehow I could see some sort of underlying sadness in their eyes. I remember scanning the room for Jonghyun, but I couldn’t find him. A doctor came in and started talking to manager-hyung. I looked into Taemin’s eyes and asked, “Jonghyun… where is Jonghyun?” The youngest blinked rapidly, glancing nervously at Kibum and Minho before looking back at me. I waited for an answer from him. I didn’t know how long I waited; I felt really tired then and had drifted back to sleep before I could get one.
Things happened a little too fast then. The doctors started putting me through various tests, and asking me a lot of questions, mostly regarding the bruise on my neck which doesn’t seem to heal. I couldn’t remember what had happened to me, and I still can’t now. I weren’t able to provide the doctors with the answers they wanted. The more they asked, and the more I tried to remember, the more my head would hurt.
Eventually it was Minho who told me what had happened. He said Jonghyun and I had gone missing for three days during the vacation, and how he, Kibum and Taemin had found us unconscious in the middle of the forest on the fourth day. It was strange, because the search party had gone over that same area the day before, but we weren’t there then.
Many thoughts ran through my mind then. What exactly had happened to us? I don’t know for sure. I decided to ask Minho then how Jonghyun was doing. He avoided my eyes as he said, “Jonghyun-hyung’s fine…”
Jonghyun wasn’t fine. He isn’t fine at all. But I didn’t know better then.
After a week, the doctors decided to discharge me as it seemed that I had only suffered a complete loss of memory involving the four unfortunate days and the permanent bruise, otherwise, I’m fine. I kept pressing the other members and the managers regarding Jonghyun’s condition, and they always gave me the same answer, “He’s just fine…”
We headed back to the dorm where Jonghyun was waiting, sitting on the couch. Upon seeing him, I ran to him and engulfed him in a hug.
“Jonghyunnie… You’re okay, right?”
I pulled back a little, searching his eyes. They remained distant, however, as the corners of his lips pulled up into a bitter smile.
“Jonghyun… What’s wrong?”
A few moments of silence passed. Then Kibum cleared his throat and, with a voice close to a whisper, said, “Jonghyunnie-hyung… can’t see anymore, Jinki-hyung.”
I remember feeling as if the ground had crumbled away from beneath my feet as Jonghyun’s smile faltered completely. He shut his eyes and looked away, but I didn’t miss the tears escaping from them.
Jonghyun had been really quiet at first. But over time, he started to slowly talk more. The members and I tried to make things as easy as possible for him. We don’t want to make him suffer more than he already has. We’re always there to help him whenever he needs it.
A press conference was held; what had happened was made known to everyone, and nothing was hidden. Since then, SHINee has been on a more obscure path. We still receive tremendous support from understanding fans, but promoting has stopped becoming our top priority.
Jonghyun still sings, and we make special guest performances too, but only occasionally. Things have changed, but we always try our best to not disappoint our loyal fans. We will always give our best.
I sometimes wonder what really had happened to Jonghyun and I. I wanted to ask Jonghyun whether he remembers, but I was worried I’d only bring back painful memories, if he does remember that is. Jonghyun tries so hard to adapt to his new life. He is learning Braille, and I admire his perseverance and determination at doing so. He says he still hasn’t given up on being a song composer.
One advantage of being an idol and the leader of a band is that, sometimes you get too caught up in the welfares of your members and your work schedule, that you don’t really have time for yourself. My thoughts tend to stray to the unexplained incident if I get too much time to myself. It troubles me greatly as I’m still not able to remember.
I can’t remember what happened, what I was thinking, or if I had seen or heard anything. All of my senses had failed, except for one. This intrigues me greatly. I can only remember remnants of what I had felt.
I remember feeling reassured, feeling safe. Everyone has problems, and I remember feeling like as if my problems were nothing. That somehow everything would be alright in the end, that no matter what I was facing, I would get through it, because I won’t be alone. It felt like I could take on the entire world.
Whenever my thoughts drift to that safe feeling I had felt, I will realise that I actually miss it, because now so much has changed and no one can help but feel unsure about it all. It troubles me as I try to figure out where that feeling came from, but I can never seem to find out.
Sometimes I would wake in the night to find Jonghyun sitting up in his bed. Every time I asked him why he wasn’t asleep, he’d say he was just having bad dreams. I’m curious and worried, but I never pushed further.
He recently showed me one of his lyrics. He’s been writing a lot these days. He sat there, with an expectant look on his face as I read through it. Then he asked what I thought of it. Honestly it seems a little dark, but it’s symbolic and meaningful at the same time. I didn’t think too much of it. It does seem that Jonghyun was writing his own personal experience, but I hadn’t thought of analyzing it at all. I wish I had right then, because then I’d give Jonghyun an answer he’d wanted to hear, and I wouldn’t have disappointed him. I wonder if he was trying to tell me something.
I was reading a book in the living room this one day, and Jonghyun was listening to his iPod at the other end of the couch, legs propped up on the coffee table and eyes shut, head bobbing slightly along to the music. The other members were doing their own things in their rooms.
We were sitting comfortably together in silence when Jonghyun suddenly said, “Hyung, let me tell you a secret.” I stopped reading to pay attention to what he was saying. “Just so you know, I’m just holding out until our contract ends.”
I asked him what he had meant. “Come on, who would want to see a blind idol?” I couldn’t find the right words to respond to him. “After this, I’m just going to be a behind-the-scenes guy, writing songs for others.”
I made a sound of apprehension. In truth, I hadn’t thought of life after SHINee, and I didn’t want to think of it right then, so when Jonghyun didn’t seem to say anything else, I went back to my book.
“Jinki-hyung… does it hurt?”
I looked up at Jonghyun, confused. “Does what hurt?”
“This -“ Jonghyun inched closer to me and reached his hand out towards my neck. I instinctively moved back. Jonghyun dropped his hand abruptly when he felt my sudden movement. “S-sorry.”
I studied his face as I placed my hand over my neck, palming the butterfly-shaped bruise. “H-how did you know I have this permanent bruise here?”
Jonghyun’s eyes seemed to widen slightly. “Oh, urh... Of-of course I know! I heard the coordi-noonas fussing about covering it up whenever we have shows…”
Fortunately for me, Jonghyun is a really bad liar. “Jonghyun-ah… Do you… know what had happened to us… that time in Japan?”
Jonghyun stiffened. After a heartbeat, he said, “No, of course not. I mean, gosh, how many times must we say it to convince the doctors that we can’t remember? You know, right hyung?” A forced smile.
I remained sceptical. Jonghyun fidgeted a little, before saying a little shyly, “Can I… touch your face? I-I just… want to remind myself what you look like…”
I couldn’t bring myself to say no to that. Jonghyun slowly put both his hands over my face, feeling every dip and curve of my facial bones. I fluttered my eyes close as his fingers hovered over my lids.
And it was then that the familiar safe feeling came back to me. It was strange, but it felt right. I don’t know what had happened to us, but I believe we only managed to come through it alive because we had each other.
Jonghyun’s hands stopped, cupping my face. I peeked out from under my lashes to see him give a small smile. “You’re still like how I pictured you to be.”
Again, I couldn’t respond.
“Jinki-hyung, I can’t lie to you. No, not you of all people… Yes, I do remember… even though I wish to forget…”
I opened my mouth to say something but before I could, Jonghyun pulled me closer, one hand snaking around my waist and another at the nape of my neck in an embrace. In a soft voice, he continued speaking.
“It was a nightmare… I don’t want to relive it. You don’t want to know… trust me.”
And I find that I do trust him, I really do, because it was only with him that I feel safe, that I can take on the entire world, because we’re unbeatable together. And that makes anything and everything alright.
“…I’m just glad I didn’t lose you in the end…”
-
Chou (Butterfly) by Kim Jonghyun
Deep underground, I kept digging a hole
Without knowing where it would lead
With a dirt-covered eyepiece in one hand
I searched for your arm
Scraping together patchwork happiness, and sowing it,
I was crushed by your strength.
Burned on, Burned on,
The inerasable scars left by the palms of my hands
Sever a rift in the red-stained clouds with my torn wings.
See, I can flutter better than you thought.
The eternity I dreamed while confined in my cocoon,
Where will it take seed and blossom?
The morning will eventually come and bring the darkness back home,
And steal my eyes away from me.
Fumbling for you by moonlight, overlapping and entangling with you,
I believed I could become your true hiding place.
Burned down, Burned down,
The place of our promise that will never return
Run across the black-stained earth with a torn-off agony
See, I can flutter better than you thought.
If you can't hear me, even though I scream
I want you to destroy me with your own hands
While you can still hold me dear.
Your arms that hold me back
turn into a gentle dust
I simply stare at the sky, silently.
Burned down, Burned down
The place of our promise that will never return
See, I can flutter better than you thought.
-
FIN
-
A/N: Omg finished! XD I’m sorry for making Jonghyun suffer so much on his own…… T___T
First off… Thanks to everyone who’ve followed this fic! I truly appreciate it! I know the plot is not original… but it still took a lot of effort to tweak the plot, research, and write this. >.< I mean, how many times have I spooked myself looking at pictures of ghosts and trying to describe them?? ^^;; I always had to look up at my surroundings, paranoid ‘cause I did most of my writing late at night in the dark. XD XD XD
If there’re any confusing parts or plot-holes, feel free to ask me about it. I hope I’ve somehow explained all the concepts involved in this story. If I’ve missed something out do let me know! Oh, those amazing lyrics up there weren’t written by Jonghyun, or me. >.< It was the actual lyrics of the image song of Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly, sung by Tsukiko Amano. Feel free to check it out! Best song for a game ever, imo!
FYI, JongYu isn’t my OTP. D: Though they were my first OTP before I switched to OnTae. XD I just thought JongYu would fit this plot best. :D :D I hope I didn’t write them too OOC. I still love it when JongYu do duets though. My absolute favourite one - Tragedy. The song, the lyrics, how they sang it, with so much emotion… I tend to imagine them singing it for each other! XD And it kinda fits the mood of this fic too… O.O
And omg I ramble too much. Have a ghost!Onew and ghost!Taemin. (Picture them looking like this in this fic… lol.)
Commenters of the early chapters who have MIA-ed and silent readers, ghost!OnTae are eyeing you. /runs
Things take on a really bad turn after our vacation in Japan. I remember waking up in a hospital bed, and instantly I knew something was very wrong.
Kibum, Minho and Taemin looked happy and glad that I awoke, but somehow I could see some sort of underlying sadness in their eyes. I remember scanning the room for Jonghyun, but I couldn’t find him. A doctor came in and started talking to manager-hyung. I looked into Taemin’s eyes and asked, “Jonghyun… where is Jonghyun?” The youngest blinked rapidly, glancing nervously at Kibum and Minho before looking back at me. I waited for an answer from him. I didn’t know how long I waited; I felt really tired then and had drifted back to sleep before I could get one.
Things happened a little too fast then. The doctors started putting me through various tests, and asking me a lot of questions, mostly regarding the bruise on my neck which doesn’t seem to heal. I couldn’t remember what had happened to me, and I still can’t now. I weren’t able to provide the doctors with the answers they wanted. The more they asked, and the more I tried to remember, the more my head would hurt.
Eventually it was Minho who told me what had happened. He said Jonghyun and I had gone missing for three days during the vacation, and how he, Kibum and Taemin had found us unconscious in the middle of the forest on the fourth day. It was strange, because the search party had gone over that same area the day before, but we weren’t there then.
Many thoughts ran through my mind then. What exactly had happened to us? I don’t know for sure. I decided to ask Minho then how Jonghyun was doing. He avoided my eyes as he said, “Jonghyun-hyung’s fine…”
Jonghyun wasn’t fine. He isn’t fine at all. But I didn’t know better then.
After a week, the doctors decided to discharge me as it seemed that I had only suffered a complete loss of memory involving the four unfortunate days and the permanent bruise, otherwise, I’m fine. I kept pressing the other members and the managers regarding Jonghyun’s condition, and they always gave me the same answer, “He’s just fine…”
We headed back to the dorm where Jonghyun was waiting, sitting on the couch. Upon seeing him, I ran to him and engulfed him in a hug.
“Jonghyunnie… You’re okay, right?”
I pulled back a little, searching his eyes. They remained distant, however, as the corners of his lips pulled up into a bitter smile.
“Jonghyun… What’s wrong?”
A few moments of silence passed. Then Kibum cleared his throat and, with a voice close to a whisper, said, “Jonghyunnie-hyung… can’t see anymore, Jinki-hyung.”
I remember feeling as if the ground had crumbled away from beneath my feet as Jonghyun’s smile faltered completely. He shut his eyes and looked away, but I didn’t miss the tears escaping from them.
Jonghyun had been really quiet at first. But over time, he started to slowly talk more. The members and I tried to make things as easy as possible for him. We don’t want to make him suffer more than he already has. We’re always there to help him whenever he needs it.
A press conference was held; what had happened was made known to everyone, and nothing was hidden. Since then, SHINee has been on a more obscure path. We still receive tremendous support from understanding fans, but promoting has stopped becoming our top priority.
Jonghyun still sings, and we make special guest performances too, but only occasionally. Things have changed, but we always try our best to not disappoint our loyal fans. We will always give our best.
I sometimes wonder what really had happened to Jonghyun and I. I wanted to ask Jonghyun whether he remembers, but I was worried I’d only bring back painful memories, if he does remember that is. Jonghyun tries so hard to adapt to his new life. He is learning Braille, and I admire his perseverance and determination at doing so. He says he still hasn’t given up on being a song composer.
One advantage of being an idol and the leader of a band is that, sometimes you get too caught up in the welfares of your members and your work schedule, that you don’t really have time for yourself. My thoughts tend to stray to the unexplained incident if I get too much time to myself. It troubles me greatly as I’m still not able to remember.
I can’t remember what happened, what I was thinking, or if I had seen or heard anything. All of my senses had failed, except for one. This intrigues me greatly. I can only remember remnants of what I had felt.
I remember feeling reassured, feeling safe. Everyone has problems, and I remember feeling like as if my problems were nothing. That somehow everything would be alright in the end, that no matter what I was facing, I would get through it, because I won’t be alone. It felt like I could take on the entire world.
Whenever my thoughts drift to that safe feeling I had felt, I will realise that I actually miss it, because now so much has changed and no one can help but feel unsure about it all. It troubles me as I try to figure out where that feeling came from, but I can never seem to find out.
Sometimes I would wake in the night to find Jonghyun sitting up in his bed. Every time I asked him why he wasn’t asleep, he’d say he was just having bad dreams. I’m curious and worried, but I never pushed further.
He recently showed me one of his lyrics. He’s been writing a lot these days. He sat there, with an expectant look on his face as I read through it. Then he asked what I thought of it. Honestly it seems a little dark, but it’s symbolic and meaningful at the same time. I didn’t think too much of it. It does seem that Jonghyun was writing his own personal experience, but I hadn’t thought of analyzing it at all. I wish I had right then, because then I’d give Jonghyun an answer he’d wanted to hear, and I wouldn’t have disappointed him. I wonder if he was trying to tell me something.
I was reading a book in the living room this one day, and Jonghyun was listening to his iPod at the other end of the couch, legs propped up on the coffee table and eyes shut, head bobbing slightly along to the music. The other members were doing their own things in their rooms.
We were sitting comfortably together in silence when Jonghyun suddenly said, “Hyung, let me tell you a secret.” I stopped reading to pay attention to what he was saying. “Just so you know, I’m just holding out until our contract ends.”
I asked him what he had meant. “Come on, who would want to see a blind idol?” I couldn’t find the right words to respond to him. “After this, I’m just going to be a behind-the-scenes guy, writing songs for others.”
I made a sound of apprehension. In truth, I hadn’t thought of life after SHINee, and I didn’t want to think of it right then, so when Jonghyun didn’t seem to say anything else, I went back to my book.
“Jinki-hyung… does it hurt?”
I looked up at Jonghyun, confused. “Does what hurt?”
“This -“ Jonghyun inched closer to me and reached his hand out towards my neck. I instinctively moved back. Jonghyun dropped his hand abruptly when he felt my sudden movement. “S-sorry.”
I studied his face as I placed my hand over my neck, palming the butterfly-shaped bruise. “H-how did you know I have this permanent bruise here?”
Jonghyun’s eyes seemed to widen slightly. “Oh, urh... Of-of course I know! I heard the coordi-noonas fussing about covering it up whenever we have shows…”
Fortunately for me, Jonghyun is a really bad liar. “Jonghyun-ah… Do you… know what had happened to us… that time in Japan?”
Jonghyun stiffened. After a heartbeat, he said, “No, of course not. I mean, gosh, how many times must we say it to convince the doctors that we can’t remember? You know, right hyung?” A forced smile.
I remained sceptical. Jonghyun fidgeted a little, before saying a little shyly, “Can I… touch your face? I-I just… want to remind myself what you look like…”
I couldn’t bring myself to say no to that. Jonghyun slowly put both his hands over my face, feeling every dip and curve of my facial bones. I fluttered my eyes close as his fingers hovered over my lids.
And it was then that the familiar safe feeling came back to me. It was strange, but it felt right. I don’t know what had happened to us, but I believe we only managed to come through it alive because we had each other.
Jonghyun’s hands stopped, cupping my face. I peeked out from under my lashes to see him give a small smile. “You’re still like how I pictured you to be.”
Again, I couldn’t respond.
“Jinki-hyung, I can’t lie to you. No, not you of all people… Yes, I do remember… even though I wish to forget…”
I opened my mouth to say something but before I could, Jonghyun pulled me closer, one hand snaking around my waist and another at the nape of my neck in an embrace. In a soft voice, he continued speaking.
“It was a nightmare… I don’t want to relive it. You don’t want to know… trust me.”
And I find that I do trust him, I really do, because it was only with him that I feel safe, that I can take on the entire world, because we’re unbeatable together. And that makes anything and everything alright.
“…I’m just glad I didn’t lose you in the end…”
-
Chou (Butterfly) by Kim Jonghyun
Deep underground, I kept digging a hole
Without knowing where it would lead
With a dirt-covered eyepiece in one hand
I searched for your arm
Scraping together patchwork happiness, and sowing it,
I was crushed by your strength.
Burned on, Burned on,
The inerasable scars left by the palms of my hands
Sever a rift in the red-stained clouds with my torn wings.
See, I can flutter better than you thought.
The eternity I dreamed while confined in my cocoon,
Where will it take seed and blossom?
The morning will eventually come and bring the darkness back home,
And steal my eyes away from me.
Fumbling for you by moonlight, overlapping and entangling with you,
I believed I could become your true hiding place.
Burned down, Burned down,
The place of our promise that will never return
Run across the black-stained earth with a torn-off agony
See, I can flutter better than you thought.
If you can't hear me, even though I scream
I want you to destroy me with your own hands
While you can still hold me dear.
Your arms that hold me back
turn into a gentle dust
I simply stare at the sky, silently.
Burned down, Burned down
The place of our promise that will never return
See, I can flutter better than you thought.
-
FIN
-
A/N: Omg finished! XD I’m sorry for making Jonghyun suffer so much on his own…… T___T
First off… Thanks to everyone who’ve followed this fic! I truly appreciate it! I know the plot is not original… but it still took a lot of effort to tweak the plot, research, and write this. >.< I mean, how many times have I spooked myself looking at pictures of ghosts and trying to describe them?? ^^;; I always had to look up at my surroundings, paranoid ‘cause I did most of my writing late at night in the dark. XD XD XD
If there’re any confusing parts or plot-holes, feel free to ask me about it. I hope I’ve somehow explained all the concepts involved in this story. If I’ve missed something out do let me know! Oh, those amazing lyrics up there weren’t written by Jonghyun, or me. >.< It was the actual lyrics of the image song of Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly, sung by Tsukiko Amano. Feel free to check it out! Best song for a game ever, imo!
FYI, JongYu isn’t my OTP. D: Though they were my first OTP before I switched to OnTae. XD I just thought JongYu would fit this plot best. :D :D I hope I didn’t write them too OOC. I still love it when JongYu do duets though. My absolute favourite one - Tragedy. The song, the lyrics, how they sang it, with so much emotion… I tend to imagine them singing it for each other! XD And it kinda fits the mood of this fic too… O.O
And omg I ramble too much. Have a ghost!Onew and ghost!Taemin. (Picture them looking like this in this fic… lol.)
Commenters of the early chapters who have MIA-ed and silent readers, ghost!OnTae are eyeing you. /runs