Vigil 1/1
Title: Vigil 1/1
Author: buffyaddict13
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG
Pairing/Characters: Gen, Reid, JJ, Amanda
Summary: Reid waits for Adam.
A/N 1: A tag for 4x20 Conflicted. *SPOILERS* Thank you to riverbellafor the beta and constant encouragement. I'd be a lonely moth without you. Also, this is for bella and luckinfovely. Thank you for the amazing drabbles. <3
A/N 2: I haven't written anything in ages. It shows. Read (or Reid) at your own risk.
Auld Daddy Darkness...
See him in the corners hidin' frae the licht,
See him at the window gloomin' at the nicht...
~James Ferguson
He never visits on the same day.
He clings to the ridiculous hope his sudden appearance will somehow surprise Adam back into existence. As if Amanda’s simply hiding him in a closet or beneath the bed. This is more than sleight of hand, something darker, deeper than parlor magic. Now you see him, now you don’t. But Reid is always greeted by the smell of cigarette smoke and a faintly crooked smile.
"If I didn’t know better," she tells him one afternoon, "I’d think you had a little crush on me, Agent Reid. All this time...and you still haven’t given up on finding Adam."
Reid stands stiffly against the wall, his back (always) to the mirror. He keeps his voice steady, soft, careful. "I’m not the one who gave up on him."
Amanda stubs the cigarette out in quick burst of anger. "I never gave up on Adam, I saved him." She stares at Reid a long time, lips pinched, eyes hard. Eventually her expression softens and she leans back into the couch. "He’s in a better place." She folds her hands in her lap.
Reid swallows, shakes his head. "But he’s not. It’s not fair to keep him-" his voice cracks and he hates himself, "-in the dark."
"We’re all in the dark, Agent Reid." She lifts a hand, flutters her fingers. "A bunch of moths looking for the light." The hand drops back to her lap. "A pity so few of us find it."
***
JJ comes in early. The bull pen is still dark. She’s still thinking about Henry when she carries her coffee cup into the round table room, turns on the light. When she sees she's not alone, she doesn’t scream exactly, but the sound that comes out of her is high and--to her ears-- embarrassingly girly. She considers it a fairly impressive feat the coffee mug is still in her hand.
Reid sits at the table, head in his hands. He looks up in surprise, bleary and blinking.
"Spencer?" She crosses the room, stands at the edge of the table, one hand on the back of a chair. Curiosity and concern struggle for dominance; concern wins. "What are you doing sitting here in the dark?"
He mumbles a single word at the tabletop. It sounds like practicing.
JJ’s hand tightens on the chair. "What?"
Reid sniffs, shrugs, looks up at her. "Nothing." He smiles at her, but there’s panic in his eyes.
JJ doesn’t have to be a profiler to know what’s bothering Reid. She should have mentioned something right away, back when he first saw the signs of multiple personalities in Adam.
She pulls the chair out, sits. She wants to touch Reid’s shoulder, his arm, but she doesn’t. She’s afraid if she touches him he’ll bolt; he’s a spooked horse, all long limbs and fear. JJ wants nothing more than to take that fear away, draw it out of her friend like poison.
"Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight," she suggests. It’s a spur of the moment request, but it feels right. Will won’t mind. "Spend some time with Henry. He adores you." She adds, silently: so do I.
Reid shakes his head, won’t meet her gaze. "I can’t." Then: "I mean, I want to. Of course I’d love to-thank you for asking-but I-I have plans."
JJ inches her chair closer to Reid. "That’s fine. The invitation stands." She smiles fondly at Reid. "There’s no expiration date." The smile fades. "But if you can’t come because you’re going to see Amanda, I wish-I wish you wouldn’t." There. Finally. She said it.
Spencer looks at her again, his eyes bright with tears. He looks-there’s no other word for it-wretched. Her heart aches.
"I have to."
She believes him. She knows Reid well enough to understand he feels he must visit Amanda, keep vigil for Adam.
"You can visit," she corrects him gently, "but you don’t have to. None of what happened is your fault. Not then, and not now." She doesn’t say Hankel’s name. Not if she can help it. His name is synonymous with regret. And failure. His name sounds like the growls of frenzied dogs.
"I understand that you blame yourself for not seeing that Adam was...was like Tobias. But it’s not your fault. You’re not a doctor-" she corrects herself, "--I mean, not that kind of doctor. And Spencer, think of how many lives we saved. We caught Adam. At least he’s safe."
Reid rubs at his chin. "No. No, we caught Amanda. Adam’s gone."
JJ reaches for Reid’s hand, squeezes. "But you’re not. And I kind of feel like you’re slipping away. Just a little. And that scares me, because I want you here." She waves her free hand around the room. "And not just here, but in my life. In Henry’s life." She’s aware her eyes are burning, her words are thick. She takes a watery breath. "So please. Come for dinner. I’ll invite Penelope too, okay?"
Reid nods once. "Okay." He pushes back from the table, stands. This time is his smile is honest. A little shy. "Thank you JJ."
Relief floods through her. Thank God.
Reid stops in the doorway, turns back to her. "And JJ? What happened to me? It’s not your fault."
JJ goes still in her chair. Waits.
"It was my idea that we split up. Not yours. You didn’t leave me. I...I left you."
The tears are back. "Reid, I-"
"I left you," he repeats. "But I’m not going to-I’m not leaving now. Okay?"
JJ’s head bobs. The smile on her face is so wide it hurts. "Okay."
***
Reid’s smile falls away as soon as he’s out of the room. He walks straight to the elevator, goes three floors down. He stand in a dim foyer and pulls out his cell, punches in a number. "Dr. Roberts? This is Spencer Reid. I’m sorry to leave a message like this, but something came up, and, uh, I won’t be able to see Amanda tonight."
He stares at the silver doors of the elevator, at his muted reflection.
"But I’ll be there tomorrow."
Author: buffyaddict13
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG
Pairing/Characters: Gen, Reid, JJ, Amanda
Summary: Reid waits for Adam.
A/N 1: A tag for 4x20 Conflicted. *SPOILERS* Thank you to riverbellafor the beta and constant encouragement. I'd be a lonely moth without you. Also, this is for bella and luckinfovely. Thank you for the amazing drabbles. <3
A/N 2: I haven't written anything in ages. It shows. Read (or Reid) at your own risk.
Auld Daddy Darkness...
See him in the corners hidin' frae the licht,
See him at the window gloomin' at the nicht...
~James Ferguson
He never visits on the same day.
He clings to the ridiculous hope his sudden appearance will somehow surprise Adam back into existence. As if Amanda’s simply hiding him in a closet or beneath the bed. This is more than sleight of hand, something darker, deeper than parlor magic. Now you see him, now you don’t. But Reid is always greeted by the smell of cigarette smoke and a faintly crooked smile.
"If I didn’t know better," she tells him one afternoon, "I’d think you had a little crush on me, Agent Reid. All this time...and you still haven’t given up on finding Adam."
Reid stands stiffly against the wall, his back (always) to the mirror. He keeps his voice steady, soft, careful. "I’m not the one who gave up on him."
Amanda stubs the cigarette out in quick burst of anger. "I never gave up on Adam, I saved him." She stares at Reid a long time, lips pinched, eyes hard. Eventually her expression softens and she leans back into the couch. "He’s in a better place." She folds her hands in her lap.
Reid swallows, shakes his head. "But he’s not. It’s not fair to keep him-" his voice cracks and he hates himself, "-in the dark."
"We’re all in the dark, Agent Reid." She lifts a hand, flutters her fingers. "A bunch of moths looking for the light." The hand drops back to her lap. "A pity so few of us find it."
***
JJ comes in early. The bull pen is still dark. She’s still thinking about Henry when she carries her coffee cup into the round table room, turns on the light. When she sees she's not alone, she doesn’t scream exactly, but the sound that comes out of her is high and--to her ears-- embarrassingly girly. She considers it a fairly impressive feat the coffee mug is still in her hand.
Reid sits at the table, head in his hands. He looks up in surprise, bleary and blinking.
"Spencer?" She crosses the room, stands at the edge of the table, one hand on the back of a chair. Curiosity and concern struggle for dominance; concern wins. "What are you doing sitting here in the dark?"
He mumbles a single word at the tabletop. It sounds like practicing.
JJ’s hand tightens on the chair. "What?"
Reid sniffs, shrugs, looks up at her. "Nothing." He smiles at her, but there’s panic in his eyes.
JJ doesn’t have to be a profiler to know what’s bothering Reid. She should have mentioned something right away, back when he first saw the signs of multiple personalities in Adam.
She pulls the chair out, sits. She wants to touch Reid’s shoulder, his arm, but she doesn’t. She’s afraid if she touches him he’ll bolt; he’s a spooked horse, all long limbs and fear. JJ wants nothing more than to take that fear away, draw it out of her friend like poison.
"Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight," she suggests. It’s a spur of the moment request, but it feels right. Will won’t mind. "Spend some time with Henry. He adores you." She adds, silently: so do I.
Reid shakes his head, won’t meet her gaze. "I can’t." Then: "I mean, I want to. Of course I’d love to-thank you for asking-but I-I have plans."
JJ inches her chair closer to Reid. "That’s fine. The invitation stands." She smiles fondly at Reid. "There’s no expiration date." The smile fades. "But if you can’t come because you’re going to see Amanda, I wish-I wish you wouldn’t." There. Finally. She said it.
Spencer looks at her again, his eyes bright with tears. He looks-there’s no other word for it-wretched. Her heart aches.
"I have to."
She believes him. She knows Reid well enough to understand he feels he must visit Amanda, keep vigil for Adam.
"You can visit," she corrects him gently, "but you don’t have to. None of what happened is your fault. Not then, and not now." She doesn’t say Hankel’s name. Not if she can help it. His name is synonymous with regret. And failure. His name sounds like the growls of frenzied dogs.
"I understand that you blame yourself for not seeing that Adam was...was like Tobias. But it’s not your fault. You’re not a doctor-" she corrects herself, "--I mean, not that kind of doctor. And Spencer, think of how many lives we saved. We caught Adam. At least he’s safe."
Reid rubs at his chin. "No. No, we caught Amanda. Adam’s gone."
JJ reaches for Reid’s hand, squeezes. "But you’re not. And I kind of feel like you’re slipping away. Just a little. And that scares me, because I want you here." She waves her free hand around the room. "And not just here, but in my life. In Henry’s life." She’s aware her eyes are burning, her words are thick. She takes a watery breath. "So please. Come for dinner. I’ll invite Penelope too, okay?"
Reid nods once. "Okay." He pushes back from the table, stands. This time is his smile is honest. A little shy. "Thank you JJ."
Relief floods through her. Thank God.
Reid stops in the doorway, turns back to her. "And JJ? What happened to me? It’s not your fault."
JJ goes still in her chair. Waits.
"It was my idea that we split up. Not yours. You didn’t leave me. I...I left you."
The tears are back. "Reid, I-"
"I left you," he repeats. "But I’m not going to-I’m not leaving now. Okay?"
JJ’s head bobs. The smile on her face is so wide it hurts. "Okay."
***
Reid’s smile falls away as soon as he’s out of the room. He walks straight to the elevator, goes three floors down. He stand in a dim foyer and pulls out his cell, punches in a number. "Dr. Roberts? This is Spencer Reid. I’m sorry to leave a message like this, but something came up, and, uh, I won’t be able to see Amanda tonight."
He stares at the silver doors of the elevator, at his muted reflection.
"But I’ll be there tomorrow."