Somebody Save Jennifer - Chapter Six
Title: Somebody Save Jennifer
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Pairing/Character(s): Nate/Jenny but other characters are apart of the story
Rating: M
Type: Hurt/Comfort/Romance
Spoilers: Completely AU
Summary: We all have problems, but for Jennifer Humphrey they are much bigger. Will she be able to get over her addiction with his help?
A/N: Hey People! I know that it has been a long time since I last updated this story and that was because I was having a little trouble, trying to get the chapter just right, and I feel as though I have reached the goal that I was going for in the first place. I was a little worried that the chapter might be too long and then I was worried that it might be enough after I edited most of the chapter. But now, I feel as though I have reached the point to where I like the chapter and accept it for what it is.
Special thanks to my beta Jenna (_chngingx3lanes ) Thanks so much for assuring me that this chapter isn't total crap on a stick. Thanks so much for helping me edit the chapter and see that it is perfect this way!
Chapter Six - Sacred of Lonely
I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time
I'm sinking in the sand and I can't barely stand
I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely
I try to be patient but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home?
'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely, I'm scared of lonely
Jenny’s head was spinning uncontrollably as she watched the boy she was convinced to be in love with and his girlfriend hold one another tightly. Just seconds ago, Nate’s arms was around her and the two of them were in heated make-out session but now his lips were on Vanessa’s. Jenny instantly felt her stomach churn with disgust and remorse. She felt dirty and ashamed because of what she’d done. Vanessa didn’t deserve to be cheated on. She didn’t deserve to have another girl being intimate with the boy she loved. She didn’t need for that commitment to be broken. Tears swelled Jenny’s eyes, wanting desperately to become invisible. She wanted to take back the love that she had for Nate, but couldn’t. Jenny and Nate were connected and now there was no breaking it. They shared something that couldn’t be taken back and that made Jenny more sick.
“I missed you so much, babe”. The words moved a mile a minute, crashing into Jenny’s mental state.
She watched at how Nate’s face lit up when he was around Vanessa, and become this whole different person. He was happy, smiling from ear-to-ear, his blue eyes twinkling with love. It was a much different reaction than when he was with Jenny. It was a better reaction. There was a flicker of hurt that flashed in Jenny’s eyes. Nate looked at Jenny as if she were a fragile china doll that he didn’t want to break. Even when kissing her Nate held back a little. He kissed her with care so that she didn’t break.
“Who’s she?”. Vanessa’s slightly rough voice bolted Jenny from her world wind of thoughts. She looked up at the girl, making eye contact for the first time. It was then that Jenny realized just how beautiful Vanessa was. The picture next to Nate’s bed some how didn’t do her justice. She was breath-taking, and Jenny understood why Nate loved her so much. Jenny told herself that Vanessa was much prettier than her. She also told herself that Vanessa was better in everyway. And looking at how Vanessa and Nate interacted, she told herself that one person agreed.
“No one, just Dan’s cousin Jenny”. Nate explained, not once looking in Jenny’s direction. He was afraid to look at her. Afraid to see the many of emotions that he knew was playing across her face.
“Ok, well, nice to meet you”. Vanessa walked over to Jenny. She stuck her hand out, waiting for the flustered girl on the bed to shake it.
“No one, just Dan’s cousin Jenny”. Nate’s words played over and over in Jenny’s mind as she stared blankly at Vanessa’s hand. Nate just said that she was a no one. After what they’d just done, after what they’d just shared, Nate told Vanessa that she was no one. Unimportant. Inconsequential. Insignificant. Jenny had spent all her time thinking about Nate, convincing herself that she loved him and they were meant to me. But all that time, Nate saw her as an insignificant part in his life. Not a friend. A sister. A classmate. A lover. A nobody.
Jenny swallowed hard, trying to push the vomit rising in her throat down. “Hi. Nice to meet you too”. Jenny stood, and shook Vanessa’s outstretched hand. The tears that she was strong enough to push down, threatening to spill over.
“Where is Dan?”, Vanessa asked, sitting down on Nate’s bed. Nate shrugged, stating that he didn’t know. Vanessa smiled, turning to Jenny. “I don’t remember you from last year. Are you new to this school?”.
The words were a blur in Jenny’s mind, and all she could do was nod her head, yes, guessing that was the answer to all the questions Vanessa was about to ask her. Jenny’s mind was a haze, trying to regain some kind of composure. Her head was throbbing, eyes hurting, body shaking, palms sweating, heart beating faster than Olympic track runners feet.
“My first year here was rough too, and had to tag along with all my brothers friends too”. Vanessa’s whole demeanor sort of threw Jenny off. She didn’t come across as the jealous girlfriend, wanting to know who her boyfriend was spending his time with. She seemed too sure of herself and relationship with Nate. Jenny could sense that she was getting ready to dropped the biggest bombshell, but quickly pushed it out of her mind. Whatever it might be, Jenny wasn’t going to stick around to further investigate. There was suddenly a loss of oxygen in the room, as Jenny’s lungs began to close in on her. She couldn’t breath. Couldn’t think. She had to get out of there!
“I have to go”. She whispered so soft that Jenny didn't even think they heard her. She quickly grabbed her bag from the floor next to Nate's bed, not noticing that her cell phone dropped out. Jenny moved quickly towards the door, making sure not to touch any part of Nate on her way out the door.
The moment Jenny excited the boys dormitory building, the tears started tumbling down her cheeks. Her mouth tasted like the familiarity of pennies, which meant she was on the verge of throwing up.
Jenny walked slowly towards her building, arms wrapped around her body tightly and her head hanging low. Jenny was ashamed of herself and wanted to be alone, drowning in the many thoughts racing through her mind. She wanted to get some kind of grip on the situation in front of her. She usually hated the silence, putting it under her list of horrible things, but tonight Jenny needed the silence. She depended on it like it was her last resort. Although she was surrounded by a campus full of chattering students, the bright stars and the busy city, Jenny didn’t hear any of it. All she heard was Nate's harsh words playing over and over in her head.
The veins in her arm twitched, and Jenny desperately wanted to find the nearest sharp object. She looked down at her wire bracelets, wondering if they could get the job done. Jenny wanted to find that place she use to love so much. The place that made her feel like she could fly. The place that numbed the pain and gave her a feel better sense. She wanted to find that place that made her life easier. She needed that place. She needed that place more than anything. The taste of pennies was so strong now that Jenny doubted that she could hold down the vomit any longer and she couldn't because she soon found herself throwing up in the bush near her dormitory.
When Jenny opened up the door to her room, she was happy to know that Agnes was nowhere to be found. She knew that Agnes was going to have so many questions to ask if she was there. And Jenny didn't want that. She didn't need that. She just wanted to be left alone. Jenny usually hated being alone. Ever since that night, Jenny hated the thought if being alone, away from Dan and her uncle. She needed them so much and it scared her thinking about what would happen if they were no longer with her. But now, Jenny didn't need anyone. All she ever had was herself and wanted to keep it that way for a long time to come.
Jenny removed her jacket, throwing it on the bed along with her bag. She moved into the bathroom to wash her face, the sound of running water flooded the silence. She let the water get warm before, cupping her hands and throwing the warm water on her face and in her mouth. Jenny reached for the small hand towel on the rack, patting it across her face, then looking into the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face was puffy and her hair was everywhere. Most people would say that she looked horrible, but for the first time in over six months, Jenny recognized this face as her own.
She saw the girl that she use to be.
She saw the girl that would spend most of her time hiding from the rage of her alcoholic abusive father.
She saw the girl that would constantly be invisible to the world.
She saw the girl that would cry herself to sleep every night because her world was so cruel.
She saw herself.
Ever since that night, Jenny had become a different person. She smiled more. She laughed more. She joked more. She had more friends. She trusted more. She was happy, and that made her feel sick. It seemed as if she was watching someone else live her life from a distance. It all felt like a dream that she was going to wake up from really soon. Jenny enjoyed her new life at times but it also confused her and made life so much harder. With her father gone from her life and cutting a thing of the past, Jenny had yet to discover just who she really was. To find out what kind of a person she was, and tonight Jenny felt like she'd gotten a sneak peak. She was the girl that threw all she had into a guy that showed her just a little bit of care. She was the girl that held onto something that she knew was never going to happen.
She was the girl that relied on others to protect her from the cruel world, but she was also the girl that could fight her own battles when needed. She was told to be dependent, yet unafraid to stand up for herself. She was told to be weak, but yet she'd over come so many obstacles. She was told to be depressed, yet Jenny was the happiest she'd been in her whole life. She was the girl that everyone liked to believe was innocent and sweet. She was the girl that everyone believed to be naive.
But while everyone saw her as these things, Jenny herself couldn't say who she was. She was lost in a sea of people that could define themselves in one word. Blair was tough, Serena was angelic, Chuck was dangerous, Dan was judgmental, Agnes was fun, Eric was lonely, and Nate was confused. But yet as she went down the list of adjectives she could think of, Jenny found nothing that could describe herself.
She walked out of the bathroom for a brief moment to retrieve the scissors she knew that Agnes kept at the bottom of her bedside table drawer, then returned to the bathroom. Looking at herself in the mirror, then at the scissors, Jenny's mind flashed back to all the times she'd cut herself. Her veins twitched again and Jenny balled her hand into a fist. She ripped off the many of bracelets and fingerless gloves, the small round metals pinging against the floor and sink. Jenny looked at the six month old scars, having not healed all the way.
Jenny reached up, pulling the elastic from her hair, it falling like a curtain around her shoulders. Ever since she was young, Jenny loved her long hair and so did the people around her. Her father liked it because it was an easy way for him to grab a hold of her. Her mother liked it because it resembled her own mother's hair. Her friends liked it because they wanted their hair to be just as long. People on the street liked it because it was blond and beautiful. And Jenny herself liked it because at a young age she would always want a prince to climb up her hair to rescue her just like Repunzul. But now that her dream of having a Prince Charming was dead, Jenny no longer needed her long hair.
With no emotion in her eyes, Jenny cut a chunk of her long blond hair. She stared unresponsive to the scissors effects. Snip. She did it again. Snip. Another piece. Each piece fell lifeless on the floor and against the sink. This was it. She was changing. With each piece of hair fell a piece of her old life. Her hurt. Her regret. Her trust. Her love. She needed to find herself, and maybe a new hair cut would help.
Once she was done, Jenny dropped the scissors in the sink, chipping the white paint just a bit from their sharpness. She smoothed a hand over her newly short locks. The last time Jenny had been this daring, she'd gotten beaten for it and her problem started, and Jenny half expected for that to happen this time. But it didn’t. no fierce blow to the side of her face, no yelling and cursing. Just her newly short hair.
“Hey, Jen”. Agnes greeted, as she walked into their room. The brunette sounded tired, like she'd been through a very rough couple of hours. Jenny watched in the bathroom mirror as Agnes passed by, on her way to the closet. Jenny bent down, rushing to put back on her fingerless gloves, that were once hiding the scars. As Jenny was picking up the bracelets, she heard the soft sound of Agnes' heals thumping against the hardwood floor. Agnes appeared in the doorway, looking down at Jenny, who was still bent over. “You're back early. What happened with you and Dan?”.
Jenny stood up straight, holding the bracelets in her hand. She watched as Agnes' deep brown eyes widened in shock. “What happened to your hair?”.
“I cut it”. Jenny answered, amusement present in her tone. The look on her roommate's face was priceless.
Agnes just stood there a moment before walking into the bathroom and towards Jenny. She reached out and touched the girl's hair, then jumped back as if the hair had bitten her. “OhMyGod! Jenny, why did you do that?”.
Jenny turned to look at herself in the mirror then looked back at Agnes. “I guess, I just needed a change”.
Agnes shrugged, taking another step back from Jenny. “Apparently, so do I”.
“What do you mean?”, Jenny asked, picking some of the blond hair off the front of her shirt. She looked up at Agnes, watching as an unfamiliar emotion flickered in her eyes. It was a look Jenny had never seen Agnes possess.
“I got suspended”. It was then Jenny's turn to widen her eyes and drop her mouth in shock. She hadn't seen that one coming at all. “Headmistress saw the post about me on Gossip Girl”.
“I made out with Nathaniel Archibald”. Jenny smiled faintly at the semi excited look on Agnes' face. She looked down at the floor, kicking one of her bracelets over by the bathtub. “It was going good until his girlfriend showed up”.
Agnes laughed softly. “I cannot tell you how many times that has happened to me”.
Jenny cracked a smile at her roommate's words. “It was pretty...intense”.
“Because of that you decided to chop all your hair off”, Agnes laughed. She started to feel bad until she saw that Jenny herself was starting to laugh.
“Pretty much, yeah”. The now short haired blond laughed harder at her own actions.
“I’m suspended until next semester”. Agnes confessed and the two girls laughed harder. Neither knew why but they found both their situations funny. Agnes moved backwards a little, and as she did this, her heal slipped on one of Jenny’s bracelets and she fell backwards onto the rug.
“Let me help”. Jenny tried to regain normal breathing. She reached her hand out to Agnes, but as she did so, she too slipped on one of the bracelets and fell.
They both laughed hysterically on the bathroom floor, their shoulders and chest shaking wildly. Neither of them got the point of them laughing at a very crucial time in their life, but they were. it was very cathartic for the both of them, after a long drama filled week. It helped them to let everything go and just be free.
“We’re pretty messed up, huh”. Jenny commented softly once the laughter in the room had died down. She looked over at Agnes to see that she was staring back at her.
“You can say that again”. Agnes smirked, kicking off her heels that had recently caused her to fall flat on her butt. Agnes knew that she was about to enter a very touchy subject, but she just had to stop her wondering questions. “What are you going to do about Nate?”.
Jenny looked up at the ceiling, concentrating hard on the patterns and different designs. “I think I’m going to forget about Nate”. It was much easier said than done, but she half trusted herself to follow through with her plan. “What about you?”.
“Well, my mom already has me lined up for a bunch of modeling jobs”. Agnes stated sadly. She hated the fact that her mother shipped her away the first chance she got. But of course Agnes never spoke those words out loud. It was much easier for her to keep things bottled in rather than risk getting her or having someone use it against her. “I have so much to pack”.
Jenny sighed, thinking about the many of clothes her roommate had tucked away in their joined walk-in closet. She looked over at Agnes and spoke, “Can I have you Juicy zip-up sweater?”.
Agnes gasp, in fake shock, before smacking Jenny playfully on the leg. “Here I am getting ready to leave and you’re asking me for clothes”.
“This coming from the girl that asked to borrow my bracelet the first day I met her”. Jenny contoured, with smirk on her face, knowing that she’d won against Agnes.
“Touché”. Agnes laughed, slowly rising from the floor. She extended her arm out to Jenny, and helped the girl up as well. “Come on, let’s go to bed. We’ll clean all this up later”.
Jenny smiled, nodding in agreement, before letting out a much needed yawn. She hadn’t realized just how tired she was until now. All that crying really made her tired
Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four - Chapter Five - Chapter Seven.