in which ben has internal dialogue

[bubblingbeebles]

hmmm.

when i am happy, i think grad school could be a viable plan with some personal effort on my part.

when i am unhappy, i think i had better move out to the bay area and get a full-time job if i know what's good for me.

this may be a sign.

(this is like the fourth time i have changed my mind this week?)

when i wake up, where will i return?

Comments

[bubblingbeebles]

yeah, that is basically the conflict.

to the ears of unhappy-me, happy-me keeps sounding like "stop being depressed, duh. you are better than that."

unhappy-me keeps wanting easy ways out. maybe they are not so easy after all, says happy-me. neither character really has a good way of judging how difficult life should be to maximise both happiness and fulfillment.

[bubblingbeebles]

your cynical part is not off the mark, but i don't think it's the whole picture, either. consider: i'm basically certain that my housemate situation is not right for me; that i should leave it when the year is up (i.e., even if i am staying in pittsburgh). it is just an additional chore/job/self-obligation to fill my social needs in light of my living space not feeling like a community.

that's not to say it has been a complete waste of time (everything happens for a reason; ...); it's just the benefits have been somewhat painful (lessons, experience, perspective...), and not ones that i want to keep pursuing. c.c;