Deep Greens And Blues (AJ/Brian/Howie, PG-13) (1/2)
So, yes. This was supposed to have been submitted to xoverau's Backstreet Challenge 2005. Heh. Um ... sorry, Nic. *sheepish*
I would appreciate it so much if you'd read this and maybe give a comment? Because ... I don't know. I don't think I've ever felt this way about any of my work before.
Deep Greens And Blues
AJ/Brian/Howie and permutations | PG-13 | Prompt: Heart | 15,000 words
Howie has never learned how to take what he wants.
Notes: Endless, boundless gratitude goes to boomingvoice for being so helpful throughout the process of writing this. I'm not sure this would've ever been finished if it hadn't been for her.
I see the world, the world is you.
I see baby baby blue.
-- "Won't Go Away" - Vertical Horizon
Freaks, Howie thought and shook his head. He was in a band with a bunch of freaks.
AJ, who had been singing incoherent gibberish into his microphone, suddenly stopped in his tracks. "I think time may have officially stopped, like," he checked his watch, "half an hour ago."
The microphone amplified the words so they boomed across the empty clubhouse. "Could someone shut him up?" Kevin groaned, rubbing a hand over his face. "You're not helping, AJ."
"I'm bored," AJ stressed, still talking into the microphone. "How can I already be bored? How is that possible? We've only been touring for a week."
"Soundcheck's always boring, dude." Nick was sprawled out across the stage, drawing circles in the air. "We should do something different if we get to do the whole world tour thing."
"When," Kevin said. "Not if. When."
"When," Nick corrected absentmindedly. "I'm just saying. We could invite some fans or something. It'd be cool."
"Or reporters," AJ snorted. "And they can ask us the same questions they've been asking us for the past year now." He counted them off on his fingers. "'How does it feel to be back? Are you gonna change your name to Backstreet Men? What did you do on your time off?'"
The band played the first few chords to Poster Girl and Brian started humming the chorus under his breath. Adding a little air guitar to go with it, he nudged Howie next to him and they both grinned.
"No, seriously," AJ continued, apparently on a roll, "I could make up better questions myself. Brian," he called. "How many hairs did you find in your comb today?"
"Ten," Brian answered solemnly.
"See, now that's interesting," AJ exclaimed with a grand hand gesture. "I found twelve myself."
"You'll be bald before you turn thirty, dude," Nick grinned.
"Yeah, I'll enter the next stage of my life as a sexy bald man," AJ sighed. "I've made my peace with it."
Howie turned away from the scene when Brian nudged him again. Brian smiled at him and leaned closer. "So, you never said anything," he ventured in a lowered voice, "What happened with that guy?"
Howie raised an eyebrow. "What guy?"
"You know," Brian pressed, as if that would get Howie to understand. "That guy. Tim, right? Didn't you two have that dinner thing this weekend?"
"Oh!" Howie said, suddenly comprehending, and cleared his throat. "Right. It was fine. Didn't work out, though."
Brian didn't look away. "Why not?" he asked.
Howie just shrugged. Tim had been fine, dinner had been fine, the kissing in the back of his car afterwards had been fine. Howie wasn't really looking for fine.
Brian's knee bumped his. "I'm sorry, man," he said. "You seemed real excited about him."
"Brian," AJ called out from across the stage. "Get over here and get your mic checked, dude."
Brian flashed Howie a small smile, then hopped off the speaker they were both sitting on. "Coming," he called back.
Howie watched him walk away.
It was kind of an unofficial open secret that Howie wanted Brian. No one had ever talked about it, ever, but they all knew. Howie wasn't really sure how that had happened. The only person he'd told was Kevin - who was still the only one of the guys Howie felt comfortable talking about things like that with, even if it did involve his cousin in this case - and Kevin had sworn up and down that he hadn't said a word to anyone. Maybe he was being obvious. Maybe Kevin was lying, although he seriously doubted that.
He couldn't really be sure about AJ or Nick - although AJ had been known to make a suggestive comment once or twice - but Brian knew. Howie was absolutely, completely, one hundred percent sure that Brian knew. Howie was sure because Brian had asked Kevin about it once, briefly, and Kevin had told Howie about it later, like they were all still stuck in high school.
Brian had never mentioned anything to him, and Howie sure as hell wasn't going to stir up trouble if no one was asking him to, so everything stayed the same. Which was okay. Probably. It probably made things easier for all of them.
Except Howie didn't want Brian to know. Especially when he was sure that there was no chance in hell anything was ever going to happen, because Brian was ... well. It would've just been better if Howie could've gotten over it in peace.
Howie might've been temporarily ruined for anyone else, but he wasn't stupid and he definitely wasn't blind. Especially not when it came to Brian. He was pretty sure he watched Brian more than most people.
"What's with them?" Nick leaned over so they could talk privately. "They've been at each other's throats lately."
Howie just shrugged.
Meanwhile, Brian had walked away from his microphone and looked like he wanted to kick something really hard. "You're in the wrong key again," he snapped.
AJ scowled. "Thank you, Captain Obvious."
"Well, snap out of it. I can't cue you in every time."
This time AJ's jaw dropped. "Oh, right, because the holy Brian Littrell can't make mistakes. My bad, I guess I forgot about your promotion to Saint Buttmunch."
Brian rolled his eyes. "Just stop singing in my key and learn your own."
"Why are you still talking?" AJ snapped.
Howie looked at Kevin, who only held his hands up in a 'I'm not getting in the line of fire' gesture. He couldn't really blame him. None of them were kids anymore; it wasn't fair to anyone if they started interfering.
"You guys done?" Nick finally asked.
AJ's head snapped back in Nick's direction and his scowl went even deeper. "I'm done," he said sharply. "Unless of course the saint has anything else to add."
Brian opened his mouth to say something, but apparently thought better of it as it snapped back shut. He went back to his microphone and began the first verse of Climbing the Walls again without waiting for the rest of them.
Howie wasn't stupid. Even with all the fighting, they still hadn't moved away from each other.
They touched a lot. Okay, everyone touched a lot more after the break, but AJ and Brian seemed to almost need the physical contact. Brian had never been the first to initiate displays of affection, except with Nick in the early days, so it was easy for Howie to notice the subtle shift. Even before they'd begun the Up Close And Personal tour it had been obvious. Brian's hand on AJ's arm as they both leaned over the soundboard. AJ's arm slung carelessly over Brian's shoulder during interviews. Affectionate teasing on stage. They even held entire conversations in a whisper sometimes, heads together and bodies pressed close.
Even when they fought - and they'd been fighting a lot lately - they still didn't move far away from each other.
Howie had never been able to figure out how AJ always just seemed to take what he wanted. Even when he didn't know he wanted it. There was a difference from the usual though - this time Howie wanted it, too. And there was nothing he could do except watch it happen.
"So then this girl comes up to me, right - and I haven't seen her in ten years, swear to God - and she's all, 'I gave you my parents' wedding bands a couple of years ago, you still got them?'"
"No," Brian said, wide-eyed.
"I know!" AJ exclaimed. "I mean, I can't exactly go back and get them for her, you know? But shit, her parents must've ripped her a new one."
They were lounging backstage, waiting for the show to begin. Nick had brought his pre-concert CDs with him and Howie watched him as he leaned over the stereo, tapping the beat with his fingertips. Kevin perched on the arm of the couch and took a swig from his water bottle. "I still don't understand why she'd give them to you in the first place," he said, looking thoughtful.
AJ shrugged. "They're in a good place now, that's for sure."
A soft smile appeared on Brian's face and he leaned in to murmur something in AJ's ear. AJ looked at him and shrugged again, this time with a smile of his own.
"All right," Kevin said, clapping his own thigh to get himself in motion. "I'm getting up if anyone needs anything from the fridge. D?"
"What?" Howie tore his eyes away from Brian and AJ. "Oh. No, it's cool, you don't have to. I'll get it for myself later."
"You sure?" Kevin asked. "It's no problem."
"Yeah, I'm fine." Howie waved a hand dismissively.
"You can get me a soda if you're itching for it, Kev," Nick interjected from across the room.
"I'm sorry, are you sitting?" Kevin asked. "Or paralyzed in any kind of way? No, I don't think so. Get your own."
"But you just asked Howie!" Nick pointed in Howie's general direction.
"Howie gets special treatment," Kevin said logically. "His legs are shorter than ours. It takes him longer to get places."
Brian finally tore himself from his conversation and flashed a big grin at Howie. "Nice. So being short finally pays off, huh?"
Howie only responded with a halfhearted smile. His gaze was fixed on the hand Brian had around AJ's shoulders.
The bus hummed loudly. Howie was used to it. Still, he woke up - not with a jolt, thankfully, because banging your head on the top of the bunk hurt like a bitch - but slowly, feeling disturbed from his sleep. Like some sound he wasn't used to had woken him up.
He pulled the curtain slightly aside - only an inch or so, he was pretty sure - and looked out. AJ and Brian were in the kitchenette. Brian was backing away frantically, eyes wide, scared, and AJ was staring at him with an oddly shaken look to his features.
"You-" Brian breathed, putting fingertips to his lips. "You just-"
"Yeah." AJ nodded, letting out a nervous laugh. "I … yeah. Pretty much."
Brian stared at him. "Why?"
"I wanted to," he answered simply.
Brian's whole body was shaking now. "You don't - you don't do that just because you want to," he hissed. When AJ took a step forward he quickly backed away. "I'm not-" He jumped when he bumped against the dining table. When he looked up at AJ again, there was desperation in his eyes.
Howie was afraid to even breathe at this point.
"Rok," AJ said softly. He approached him hesitantly, but Brian didn't move this time, and Howie really should look away now, but he couldn't, he didn't want to. "So I kissed you. It doesn't change anything. I mean," he added quickly when Brian's eyes got wide again, "I mean, you're still who you are, and - I'm still-" He reached Brian, standing directly in front of him, and shrugged in a way that was meant to be nonchalant. "It's not the end of the world," he finished quietly.
Brian stared at him avidly, eyes unforgiving in their intensity. He reached a shaking hand out and grabbed AJ's wrist tight. "I didn't know that I was - I mean, I'm not, but - oh God."
"Hey, hey." AJ leaned closer and held Brian's head in his hands, forcing him to look up. "Don't freak out. It's just me, Bri." He smiled crookedly. "Am I scary?"
Brian, still staring, mumbled something about 'fashion sense' and AJ's grin got wider. Even Brian finally smiled, and the look on his face changed to something more. Something warmer.
"Did you like it?" AJ asked, after a short silence. He'd moved closer, his body almost aligned with the other man's.
Brian swallowed. Nodded wordlessly.
"Okay." AJ rested his forehead against Brian's and smiled. "Me too. So ... there's that, then."
Heart pounding wildly in his chest, Howie laid back down and turned around to face the wall. He curled in on himself and listened to the thrumming of the bus instead. It almost drowned out the rest of their conversation. Almost.
Howie never had much privacy on the road. He wasn't as lucky as the others. Everyone respected AJ's need to sometimes be alone these days, and no one ever really bothered Kevin unless he wanted to be bothered. Nick could put on his headphones, slump against a wall and exude an air that seemed to say bother me and I'll shove a pea up your nose. Brian didn't need that much privacy. Howie didn't have any of that. Everyone seemed to think it was okay to bother Howie, even if he was on the phone which, granted, he was a lot.
What he had was sleep.
If he closed his eyes, people usually left him alone. So more often than not, when he needed a moment to himself, he curled up on the couch in the back and closed his eyes.
"Howie, have you - oh." Nick's voice cut off midway. There was silence for a moment, and then Howie heard feet shuffling away.
"Hey, has anyone seen my vest with the people on it?" Nick called out, his voice further away now.
"Did Kevin borrow it?" he heard AJ suggest from a closer distance.
"No, I already asked."
"Check with Howie then. He usually knows where everyone's shit is."
"He's asleep," Nick said.
"What?" AJ's voice was incredulous. "Again?" Another pair of shuffling feet on the floor, moving closer, and Howie tried to look at relaxed as possible. "Jesus," AJ mumbled, close by now. He had to be standing at the door.
Shuffling feet. Then, "What?" Brian's voice.
"He's asleep again," AJ said. "I swear, the man needs vitamins. This has to be some kind of health issue."
"He just needs to get back into the swing of things." The couch shifted and Howie went with it, relaxing his brow when it tried to frown. "He's been really quiet lately." Brian's voice, closer still. "More quiet than usual."
It was a moment before AJ spoke. "He'd tell us if something was wrong."
"Maybe." A hand came to rest on his ankle. Brian's hand was on his ankle.
"Listen." AJ sounded hesitant. "Since I have you here … can we talk later? You know, about the other night?"
There was a long moment of silence. Then, "Yeah. I've been meaning to ask you about that, too, but things just got … you know."
"Yeah, sure." The bus slowed down and AJ cleared his throat. "We're pulling up. Could you wake him?"
"Sure."
The sound of footsteps moving away, and Howie wished he'd really been asleep, even if that had meant missing the feel of Brian touching him.
The tour ended too quickly, but of course that didn't mean that they got a break from each other. There was promotion now, one interview lined up after another with the same questions asked over and over again. Howie was fine with it. He was used to it by now, not to mention that they needed the exposure. Plus he liked to talk about the album. He was proud of the album.
He was looking for a bathroom the first time it happened. The third door he opened was to an empty dressing room. Or what should have been an empty dressing room if Brian and AJ hadn't been making out in it.
"Oh shit," Howie gasped, too stunned to move, and he watched as the two men broke apart. Brian's hand had been near AJ's pants. Oh shit.
AJ fumbled his shirt back in place and took a step forward. "Howie," he said quickly, "Howie, listen-"
"I - sorry," he stuttered. Brian was staring at him, his breathing a little quicker than usual. His lips were swollen. "I'm sorry, I'll just - I - I won't tell anyone."
He closed the door and darted down the hallway as quickly as his legs could carry him. He heard a door opening, but he didn't stop, he couldn't stop. When he made it back to their own dressing room, he ran for the sink and splashed water in his face four times until he felt like he could breathe again.
"You okay, D?" Kevin raised an eyebrow from behind his newspaper.
"Yeah," Howie said breathlessly, nodding as he stared at his own reflection. "Fine, just … I'll be fine."
That proved to be one of the worst interviews Howie had ever done. He couldn't remember the name of the host, but it didn't really matter much since he wasn't speaking. Kevin was going on enough for everyone as always, so no one noticed. They'd placed him next to Brian and AJ - they always placed him next to Brian and AJ. Howie smiled and answered questions when asked directly and did everything he was supposed to. He even smiled at Brian and talked to AJ, but he couldn't remember ever wanting to be anywhere else so badly in his life.
Afterwards, when they were all filing for the van outside, Nick bounded up to him and slung his arms around him. "My man, Howie," he sang. "Dude, I'm so tired I think I could fall asleep right here. What else are we doing today?"
"I don't know," Howie said briefly, trying to disentangle himself from all the flailing limbs. "Nick, not now, okay?"
"What?" Nick asked, and now there was a teasing edge to his voice. "You don't like when I do this?" He poked Howie's side. "Or this?" He poked Howie's stomach. "Or-?"
"Stop it!" Howie snapped, shoving Nick away from him as hard as he dared. "Why don't you ever listen, huh? I said stop bothering me. I don't have the energy to deal with you right now. Jesus Christ, Nick."
Most people kept moving past them. It wasn't a big enough scene that anyone who didn't know Howie would notice. Nick, however, sported the widest eyes that Howie had ever seen. After a tense pause he stepped back, smoothing down his shirt. "All right," he said. "Sorry." Then he began walking towards the exit by himself, his hands buried in his pockets.
Howie watched him leave. As soon as he rounded a corner, Howie rubbed a hand over his face with a deep sigh. When he looked up Brian and AJ were still standing there, staring at him in much the same way Nick had. Except … and Howie couldn't be sure, but he thought that maybe Brian looked a little guilty.
"What?" he snapped. He began to walk in the same direction as Nick without giving them time to speak.
When he made it to the van, Kevin was still standing outside it. He gave Howie a puzzled look. "He just stormed in there without a word," he said, gesturing to Nick slumped down in the seat furthest away. "Did something happen?"
Howie heaved another sigh. "I'll take care of it." Climbing into the car, he settled down next to Nick who was clearly fascinated with something outside the window.
"Nicky," Howie said softly. Nick looked down at his hands and bit his lower lip. "I'm sorry. I'm really tired and I just … but that's no excuse."
He heard the others start to get into the car. Nick looked up at him, and for a very long moment he didn't say anything. Finally he offered him a half smile. "No problem," he said with a small nod. "I guess I need to learn how to listen. I won't do it again."
Howie eyed him for a second. Then he settled fully back in his seat and waited for Nick to get comfortable before he poked him right between the ribs. Nick flew up with a yelp and stared at Howie. "Hey!"
"What?" Howie asked innocently.
Nick did a double take, eyes suspicious, before he laughed. "Should've known, man. Stealth bastard, that's what you are."
Howie winked at him, and just like that, they were okay again. Howie finally took time to look around and wasn't surprised when he found Kevin sitting next to him. He tipped his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes, not looking back around to see AJ and Brian in the backseat.
Things got really weird after that.
For a while things were fine, mainly because they got a tiny breather for about a month. But then the tour started and he couldn't seem to enter a room without finding Brian and AJ doing something in there. One time they were just huddled close on a couch, AJ's head resting on Brian's shoulder. Another time they were rumbled and looked like they'd been kissing for hours. Howie started growing a complex. He always waited a beat before he opened a door, and even then, he did it carefully.
It was embarrassing and excruciating and completely off-the-charts weird. Something wasn't adding up. At least, nothing logical could explain why Brian had been smiling against AJ's lips the fourth time Howie had walked in on them.
Howie wasn't really sure how it had happened. For so many years, he and Brian had had nothing in common. They'd been good friends - they pretty much had to be, working as closely together as they all did - but there hadn't been that same level of closeness that he'd had with AJ and Kevin and, later, Nick.
But then Howie started mentioning his purple Corvette and Brian seemed to think that was the funniest thing in the world. They'd shared their faith for years now. Things fell into place for them in such a subtle way that Howie never saw it coming.
He wasn't really sure how it had happened, but he guessed it was the day Brian had sat down next to him and tugged on his hair. "You're my favorite," he'd said in a silly voice, and Howie had laughed for the first time that day. Brian had flashed him the biggest grin ever and slung his arm casually around the back of the couch. He hadn't moved for the next two interviews.
Howie was heading down to Marcus' room to see if he could help him fix his TV when another door in the hallway opened. Howie turned around and smiled painfully at AJ. It wasn't exactly easy being around him now that he seemed to be catching every episode of the AJ And Brian Lip-lock Show.
"Hey, Howie," AJ said, smiling as he approached him. "What are you up to?"
"What?" Howie cleared his throat and smiled back. "Oh, I just wanted to see if Marcus could help me out - my TV isn't showing any channels, so."
"Ah." AJ reached him. He reached out and brushed some lint off of Howie's shoulder. "Sounds like a slow night."
Howie frowned at him. Well, that was new. "I guess so."
"Listen, Howie." AJ said it as if he'd suddenly been struck by an epiphany. "Could you come with me for a second? I've been wanting to run something by you."
"Sure," Howie said slowly, raising an eyebrow. They made their way back to AJ's room in silence. AJ's hand settled on Howie's back, but when Howie looked up at him AJ was deeply intent on something ahead of him. When he showed Howie into the room his hand was still there.
The room was almost pitch-black, save for a desk lamp burning in the back corner. Howie froze when he saw Brian sitting on the bed, clad in only boxers and a faded Wildcats t-shirt, rubbing one of his arms and meeting Howie's gaze squarely.
"Wha-?" Howie's breath hitched when AJ wrapped arms around him from behind and placed a light kiss at the nape of his neck.
"Brian and I were wondering if you wanted to," another kiss, this time longer, "join us?"
Howie's brain was having trouble keeping up, because there was no way in hell he'd heard what he thought he'd just heard. Heart pounding, he stared at Brian, looking for some sign of a half-formed grin to let him know it was all just a sick, sick joke, but Brian wasn't smiling. He just stared back, an expression that Howie had never seen held firmly on his face.
Waiting.
"What are you doing?" Howie asked wildly, stepping out of AJ's grip with force. "You think this is funny?"
"No," Brian answered.
"Then - what the hell?" Howie was shaking now, and there was no possible way to explain why Brian was looking at him like that. "You know that I'm - dammit, you know, and for you to still - it's a really shitty thing to do. You're going too far."
Brian stood up and walked over to Howie slowly, only stopping when they were close enough for Howie to feel warmth, warmth, why the hell was Brian so warm? His eyes were clear and serious. "I'm not making fun of you," he said quietly. "And I'm not experimenting, and I'm not going to forget it in the morning. We want to do this with you, and you've been acting like you might - but it's up to you. Yes or no, Howie."
He just had to breathe, really, that was the key. Howie's vision blurred slightly at the edges - from the intense panic attack, or the burning, overwhelming heat pooling in his stomach, he wasn't sure. There was no reason to freak out like this, he told himself. He'd done this before. Several times, actually. But this was different. He was the only one here with anything to lose.
But he couldn't remember a time where he didn't want Brian, either.
"It's okay," Brian reassured, and Howie could tell he was holding back from touching him. "You can say no, it's - it's fine. Still friends, right?" His grin was lopsided and very nervous.
"He won't say no," AJ interjected, pulling Howie close again and Howie was already so freaked that his breathing was going shallow. "You've been jealous," he added quietly. Not mocking, just stating a fact. "I know it's mostly about - but it has to be both of us, Howie, because I'm not going to - it has to be both." He nuzzled his face into Howie's neck, and Howie thought, AJ, sweet AJ, my best friend once. "I want you, too," AJ murmured against his skin. Kissed it gently. "I'm here and I want you, too."
"I-" Howie tried, but the words got stuck in his throat. He didn't dare look up at Brian, because Brian still wasn't touching him and he didn't know how the hell he would react if Brian actually did touch him. He concentrated on AJ instead, AJ who was holding him and calming him and making it all sound so easy.
"You want to?" AJ asked quietly, hands sliding over Howie's stomach, and there was really only one answer to give.
He nodded once, looking down at the ugly red carpet and seeing nothing else. When AJ kissed him behind one ear and made his way down Howie's neck, he didn't pull away. And when Brian moved closer, pressed a hand to his cheek and let his eyes roam wherever they pleased, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"You don't have to do this," he whispered, and immediately wanted to take it back.
It was a moment before he heard AJ say, "We asked you, D. Not the other way around."
Breathe, breathe, just calm the hell down. Howie turned his head slightly in AJ's direction. "You're insane," he said, breathless, because Brian's hands were on his chest now, "Why did you - why, how did you even think of something like this?"
AJ smiled briefly and ran a hand slowly through Howie's curls. "Wasn't my idea," he murmured.
When Howie turned back to Brian in shock, he was still studying Howie closely. He had moved, because they were almost pressed together completely now, and Howie felt his stomach lurch. "Howie," Brian said again, voice hesitant, eyes inspecting every inch of the other man's face before finally stopping at his lips.
Brian was nervous, too. That made him feel marginally less like throwing up. He was about to open his mouth to speak when Brian blurted, "just, think later, okay?" and when he leaned in Howie leaned back in shock for the briefest of seconds. Then...
Oh.
Then there were lips, slightly chapped but still so soft, sliding over his own - carefully, so carefully. The simple sounds the kiss produced made Howie do a full-body shudder. There was a noise, like a cut-off moan, and he didn't know where it came from but he didn't care either. AJ was still pressed against his back, kissing and nibbling at his neck. It was glorious. It was the hottest thing he'd ever done - and he'd done a lot of stuff - and he hadn't been this scared since the day he'd kissed gap-toothed Lenny Thomas behind the china shop at the state fair, his first kiss with a boy, ever, and this was a really bad time to be thinking about that.
Brian cupped Howie's face in his hands and deepened the kiss, tongue licking at Howie's lips to gain access. Howie's mouth fell open before he could even think about it, and oh, Brian was a fucking natural. Howie made a keening noise that was utterly embarrassing and AJ bit down on his neck gently. Howie fought back a groan.
"Don't do that," Brian breathed into Howie's mouth, hands now running up and down his arms and causing delicious goosebumps. "Don't hold back, don't-"
Something in Howie snapped.
Making a growling noise deep in the back of his throat, he surged forward and pressed their mouths together tight, teeth briefly clicking, hands running over Brian's back, in his hair, down his arms. Somewhere far back he heard a soft "fuck" that had to have come from AJ, but he wasn't about to stop and check. Brian was clinging to him, making noises that had to be completely sinful and giving it back as good as he got. He tasted like toothpaste and something so decidedly Brian that Howie quickly decided it was the best thing he had ever tasted in his life. They were so close that their cheeks brushed, all teeth and tongues and ragged breathing and it wasn't enough, it tore at him how he needed more, closer, harder, tighter, now.
He wrenched away with a shuddering gasp, but they were still so close, Brian's face only inches from his. He could feel Brian's labored breathing ghost over his lips, see the dazed look in his eyes, the surprise underneath the desire, the desire, and somewhere far off he could hear himself babble in an uncharacteristically raspy voice, "That was, that, I don't, I-"
"Wow," AJ breathed behind him. "Rok, you okay?"
Brian laughed breathlessly, still not tearing his gaze away from Howie, who was feeling more than a little nauseous at the moment. "Absolutely," he replied in a husky voice. "I - I had no idea you-"
Howie managed a hesitant smile. He was shaking hard with pent up energy now, waiting, wanting, aching to reach out, so when Brian began to tuck Howie's shirt out of his jeans, he gasped and leaned into him on pure instinct. A smile that looked like a secret tugged on Brian's lips as he murmured, "More?" Howie nodded and a needy sound fell unconsciously from his throat as Brian kissed him again.
It was different this time. Brian teased Howie's lips open, and then it was soft and deep. So incredibly sexy. Howie barely felt it when AJ began guiding them all towards the bed, he was so caught up in Brian and the soft noises he was making, in the way he gripped Howie's arms tight so he wouldn't lose his balance. In the way the heat lurking under the surface felt a little bit like a surprise to the both of them.
When the back of Brian's knees hit the bed, he broke the kiss with a soft gasp. Howie stared at him, slightly out of breath and completely at a loss. Brian smiled at him again, and just as Howie watched him begin to settle down on the bed, he was turned around by persistent hands. He met AJ's gaze and hoped he didn't look as lost as he felt. AJ stepped closer and ran his hands over Howie's shoulders, raising an eyebrow as he waited. Howie swallowed once before nodding. He was breathing hard, blood pounding in his ears, and AJ frowned just as he was about to lean in.
"Howie," he said gently and ran a hand through Howie's hair. "Howie-"
"I know," he interrupted roughly, closing his eyes and pressing his hands to AJ's chest. "I know - just-"
He was cut off by AJ's lips on his, which was probably a good thing, because he had no idea what he was trying to say. Howie's surprised gasp was muffled between them, but he recovered quickly and moved his own shaking hand to AJ's hair, pulling him closer. He opened his eyes and saw blurry eyelashes as AJ whispered, "come on, come on" into his mouth and, just like that, their kiss grew harder. AJ growled in frustration and Howie was going to pass out from lack of oxygen soon, but he didn't care, because this was … this was…
He felt AJ's hands fumble with the hem of his shirt and they only pulled away from each other when AJ got a good enough grip to yank it over Howie's head. They looked at each other, fighting for breath, and when AJ kissed him a second time it didn't feel like they were trying so hard. AJ's beard scraped over Howie's cheeks, so different from Brian, so different, but still good. "AJ," Howie murmured, just once, just to remind himself where he was. AJ nibbled at his lower lip in response and his hand tickled lightly over Howie's stomach, making Howie gasp into the kiss. He'd always known, for some reason, that AJ would be pretty damn good at this. The fact that he'd actually thought about that before tonight was something he didn't feel like dwelling on too much.
They broke away from the kiss slowly, AJ pressing his forehead to Howie's as they steadied themselves. Howie tried to get his heartbeat to slow down, but it wasn't easy - not with AJ's soft breath against his face and Brian's eyes on his back. AJ moved back just enough that he could look Howie in the eye, and they shared a smile. "Turn around," AJ said hoarsely, and Howie sucked in a sharp breath. "He can't stop looking at you. Turn around and see for yourself."
Howie almost laughed, this was all so absurd and exactly what he'd wanted for so long. AJ smiled again, like he understood, and kissed Howie's neck before he turned him back around to face Brian. He was up on his knees on the bed, making them almost at eye level. He grinned lightly, not giving a damn that he was caught staring, and just before Howie was pulled in for another kiss he heard Brian murmur a soft, "thank you." Howie closed his eyes and wondered which one of them that was meant for.
The part of Howie's brain that he could never shut up kept telling him that when he woke up, none of it would have happened. He had to have imagined it. There was no way it could've been real.
Except that when he woke up, Brian's morning stubble was tickling the back of his neck. Howie blinked a few times, trying to make sense of where he was and what had happened when AJ walked out of the bathroom, scratching his chest as he yawned hugely. His eyes landed on Howie and a small smile crept up on his face.
"Morning," he chirped.
Howie blinked again. That probably wasn't the best way to communicate. "Morning," he tried instead, clearing his throat when he realized how raspy his voice was.
"Do you wanna shower first?" AJ asked, and Howie tried desperately to focus on what he was saying instead of thinking about where his mouth and hands had been last night, "Or you can go back to your own room and shower if you want to. I'm not trying to kick you out or anything, but I'm just saying, three people and one shower. Whoever gets last turn is in for a cold treat, you know?"
"Um." Howie tried to move until he discovered that one of Brian's legs was thrown over his. "I'll, uh. I guess I'll shower in my own room. I'll just-"
"You don't have to go yet," Brian mumbled slowly, the words muffled against the back of Howie's neck. "AJ, slow down. What's the hurry?"
"We have stuff to do today," AJ protested. "There's that radio interview thing. And I don't know if you remember, but there's also that pesky little concert. You know, girls screaming, panties flying. Fun all around."
"Yay," Brian said calmly. Every time he spoke, his lips moved against Howie's neck. Howie tried to keep as still as possible. "Go shower first then. I'm comfortable."
"I would be, too," AJ commented with a knowing smirk. Before Howie had time to think about what that meant, AJ turned back around. "All right, I'll go first, but if you're still snuggling when I'm done I'm dragging both of you out of bed. By the hair if I have to."
The door closed with a soft click, leaving the room quiet once again. Howie was wide awake now, overly aware of each deep breath Brian took. Brian made no move to get up, or even to move away now that they had more room. Howie cleared his throat again. "I … I think I'll go take that shower then."
"Already?" Brian's voice was still low with sleep.
"Yeah," Howie rasped.
"All right." There was stirring behind him, and when a hand settled gently on his shoulder, Howie turned to find Brian propped up on his elbow. His hair was sticking up in every direction and Howie had a sudden urge to smooth it down. Brian offered him a small smile. "You okay?"
Howie thought about it. Then he nodded, feeling a smile of his own grow.
"Good." Brian's thumb was rubbing over Howie's shoulder blade now. "Listen, Howie, this doesn't have to … you know. We can do this again. If you want to."
The smile fell off Howie's face. He thought he'd hoped too much. Things never happened when he hoped too much. "I … yeah. Definitely." He gestured towards the bathroom. "But what about…?"
"He knows I'm asking you," Brian replied. "We talked about it a lot before it happened, you know. I just don't think either of us thought that…" Brian trailed off, fixing his gaze on Howie's neck. "I don't know. It wasn't what I expected."
Howie swallowed hard. "Oh."
"No, I mean," Brian took his hand and squeezed it gently, "in a good way." When Howie looked up at him again, Brian was smiling.
Howie let out a little laugh. "This is weird." He shook his head. "I mean, it's - it's you. And AJ. And then last night - it's so different now."
"Yeah." Brian nodded. "It takes a little while to get used to." He studied Howie's face for a moment, looking like he was deep in thought. Then he leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Howie's mouth. "I like change, though," he added with a half smile.
Howie looked up into blue eyes and smiled back. "Me too."
NEXT
I would appreciate it so much if you'd read this and maybe give a comment? Because ... I don't know. I don't think I've ever felt this way about any of my work before.
Deep Greens And Blues
AJ/Brian/Howie and permutations | PG-13 | Prompt: Heart | 15,000 words
Howie has never learned how to take what he wants.
Notes: Endless, boundless gratitude goes to boomingvoice for being so helpful throughout the process of writing this. I'm not sure this would've ever been finished if it hadn't been for her.
I see the world, the world is you.
I see baby baby blue.
-- "Won't Go Away" - Vertical Horizon
Freaks, Howie thought and shook his head. He was in a band with a bunch of freaks.
AJ, who had been singing incoherent gibberish into his microphone, suddenly stopped in his tracks. "I think time may have officially stopped, like," he checked his watch, "half an hour ago."
The microphone amplified the words so they boomed across the empty clubhouse. "Could someone shut him up?" Kevin groaned, rubbing a hand over his face. "You're not helping, AJ."
"I'm bored," AJ stressed, still talking into the microphone. "How can I already be bored? How is that possible? We've only been touring for a week."
"Soundcheck's always boring, dude." Nick was sprawled out across the stage, drawing circles in the air. "We should do something different if we get to do the whole world tour thing."
"When," Kevin said. "Not if. When."
"When," Nick corrected absentmindedly. "I'm just saying. We could invite some fans or something. It'd be cool."
"Or reporters," AJ snorted. "And they can ask us the same questions they've been asking us for the past year now." He counted them off on his fingers. "'How does it feel to be back? Are you gonna change your name to Backstreet Men? What did you do on your time off?'"
The band played the first few chords to Poster Girl and Brian started humming the chorus under his breath. Adding a little air guitar to go with it, he nudged Howie next to him and they both grinned.
"No, seriously," AJ continued, apparently on a roll, "I could make up better questions myself. Brian," he called. "How many hairs did you find in your comb today?"
"Ten," Brian answered solemnly.
"See, now that's interesting," AJ exclaimed with a grand hand gesture. "I found twelve myself."
"You'll be bald before you turn thirty, dude," Nick grinned.
"Yeah, I'll enter the next stage of my life as a sexy bald man," AJ sighed. "I've made my peace with it."
Howie turned away from the scene when Brian nudged him again. Brian smiled at him and leaned closer. "So, you never said anything," he ventured in a lowered voice, "What happened with that guy?"
Howie raised an eyebrow. "What guy?"
"You know," Brian pressed, as if that would get Howie to understand. "That guy. Tim, right? Didn't you two have that dinner thing this weekend?"
"Oh!" Howie said, suddenly comprehending, and cleared his throat. "Right. It was fine. Didn't work out, though."
Brian didn't look away. "Why not?" he asked.
Howie just shrugged. Tim had been fine, dinner had been fine, the kissing in the back of his car afterwards had been fine. Howie wasn't really looking for fine.
Brian's knee bumped his. "I'm sorry, man," he said. "You seemed real excited about him."
"Brian," AJ called out from across the stage. "Get over here and get your mic checked, dude."
Brian flashed Howie a small smile, then hopped off the speaker they were both sitting on. "Coming," he called back.
Howie watched him walk away.
It was kind of an unofficial open secret that Howie wanted Brian. No one had ever talked about it, ever, but they all knew. Howie wasn't really sure how that had happened. The only person he'd told was Kevin - who was still the only one of the guys Howie felt comfortable talking about things like that with, even if it did involve his cousin in this case - and Kevin had sworn up and down that he hadn't said a word to anyone. Maybe he was being obvious. Maybe Kevin was lying, although he seriously doubted that.
He couldn't really be sure about AJ or Nick - although AJ had been known to make a suggestive comment once or twice - but Brian knew. Howie was absolutely, completely, one hundred percent sure that Brian knew. Howie was sure because Brian had asked Kevin about it once, briefly, and Kevin had told Howie about it later, like they were all still stuck in high school.
Brian had never mentioned anything to him, and Howie sure as hell wasn't going to stir up trouble if no one was asking him to, so everything stayed the same. Which was okay. Probably. It probably made things easier for all of them.
Except Howie didn't want Brian to know. Especially when he was sure that there was no chance in hell anything was ever going to happen, because Brian was ... well. It would've just been better if Howie could've gotten over it in peace.
Howie might've been temporarily ruined for anyone else, but he wasn't stupid and he definitely wasn't blind. Especially not when it came to Brian. He was pretty sure he watched Brian more than most people.
"What's with them?" Nick leaned over so they could talk privately. "They've been at each other's throats lately."
Howie just shrugged.
Meanwhile, Brian had walked away from his microphone and looked like he wanted to kick something really hard. "You're in the wrong key again," he snapped.
AJ scowled. "Thank you, Captain Obvious."
"Well, snap out of it. I can't cue you in every time."
This time AJ's jaw dropped. "Oh, right, because the holy Brian Littrell can't make mistakes. My bad, I guess I forgot about your promotion to Saint Buttmunch."
Brian rolled his eyes. "Just stop singing in my key and learn your own."
"Why are you still talking?" AJ snapped.
Howie looked at Kevin, who only held his hands up in a 'I'm not getting in the line of fire' gesture. He couldn't really blame him. None of them were kids anymore; it wasn't fair to anyone if they started interfering.
"You guys done?" Nick finally asked.
AJ's head snapped back in Nick's direction and his scowl went even deeper. "I'm done," he said sharply. "Unless of course the saint has anything else to add."
Brian opened his mouth to say something, but apparently thought better of it as it snapped back shut. He went back to his microphone and began the first verse of Climbing the Walls again without waiting for the rest of them.
Howie wasn't stupid. Even with all the fighting, they still hadn't moved away from each other.
They touched a lot. Okay, everyone touched a lot more after the break, but AJ and Brian seemed to almost need the physical contact. Brian had never been the first to initiate displays of affection, except with Nick in the early days, so it was easy for Howie to notice the subtle shift. Even before they'd begun the Up Close And Personal tour it had been obvious. Brian's hand on AJ's arm as they both leaned over the soundboard. AJ's arm slung carelessly over Brian's shoulder during interviews. Affectionate teasing on stage. They even held entire conversations in a whisper sometimes, heads together and bodies pressed close.
Even when they fought - and they'd been fighting a lot lately - they still didn't move far away from each other.
Howie had never been able to figure out how AJ always just seemed to take what he wanted. Even when he didn't know he wanted it. There was a difference from the usual though - this time Howie wanted it, too. And there was nothing he could do except watch it happen.
"So then this girl comes up to me, right - and I haven't seen her in ten years, swear to God - and she's all, 'I gave you my parents' wedding bands a couple of years ago, you still got them?'"
"No," Brian said, wide-eyed.
"I know!" AJ exclaimed. "I mean, I can't exactly go back and get them for her, you know? But shit, her parents must've ripped her a new one."
They were lounging backstage, waiting for the show to begin. Nick had brought his pre-concert CDs with him and Howie watched him as he leaned over the stereo, tapping the beat with his fingertips. Kevin perched on the arm of the couch and took a swig from his water bottle. "I still don't understand why she'd give them to you in the first place," he said, looking thoughtful.
AJ shrugged. "They're in a good place now, that's for sure."
A soft smile appeared on Brian's face and he leaned in to murmur something in AJ's ear. AJ looked at him and shrugged again, this time with a smile of his own.
"All right," Kevin said, clapping his own thigh to get himself in motion. "I'm getting up if anyone needs anything from the fridge. D?"
"What?" Howie tore his eyes away from Brian and AJ. "Oh. No, it's cool, you don't have to. I'll get it for myself later."
"You sure?" Kevin asked. "It's no problem."
"Yeah, I'm fine." Howie waved a hand dismissively.
"You can get me a soda if you're itching for it, Kev," Nick interjected from across the room.
"I'm sorry, are you sitting?" Kevin asked. "Or paralyzed in any kind of way? No, I don't think so. Get your own."
"But you just asked Howie!" Nick pointed in Howie's general direction.
"Howie gets special treatment," Kevin said logically. "His legs are shorter than ours. It takes him longer to get places."
Brian finally tore himself from his conversation and flashed a big grin at Howie. "Nice. So being short finally pays off, huh?"
Howie only responded with a halfhearted smile. His gaze was fixed on the hand Brian had around AJ's shoulders.
The bus hummed loudly. Howie was used to it. Still, he woke up - not with a jolt, thankfully, because banging your head on the top of the bunk hurt like a bitch - but slowly, feeling disturbed from his sleep. Like some sound he wasn't used to had woken him up.
He pulled the curtain slightly aside - only an inch or so, he was pretty sure - and looked out. AJ and Brian were in the kitchenette. Brian was backing away frantically, eyes wide, scared, and AJ was staring at him with an oddly shaken look to his features.
"You-" Brian breathed, putting fingertips to his lips. "You just-"
"Yeah." AJ nodded, letting out a nervous laugh. "I … yeah. Pretty much."
Brian stared at him. "Why?"
"I wanted to," he answered simply.
Brian's whole body was shaking now. "You don't - you don't do that just because you want to," he hissed. When AJ took a step forward he quickly backed away. "I'm not-" He jumped when he bumped against the dining table. When he looked up at AJ again, there was desperation in his eyes.
Howie was afraid to even breathe at this point.
"Rok," AJ said softly. He approached him hesitantly, but Brian didn't move this time, and Howie really should look away now, but he couldn't, he didn't want to. "So I kissed you. It doesn't change anything. I mean," he added quickly when Brian's eyes got wide again, "I mean, you're still who you are, and - I'm still-" He reached Brian, standing directly in front of him, and shrugged in a way that was meant to be nonchalant. "It's not the end of the world," he finished quietly.
Brian stared at him avidly, eyes unforgiving in their intensity. He reached a shaking hand out and grabbed AJ's wrist tight. "I didn't know that I was - I mean, I'm not, but - oh God."
"Hey, hey." AJ leaned closer and held Brian's head in his hands, forcing him to look up. "Don't freak out. It's just me, Bri." He smiled crookedly. "Am I scary?"
Brian, still staring, mumbled something about 'fashion sense' and AJ's grin got wider. Even Brian finally smiled, and the look on his face changed to something more. Something warmer.
"Did you like it?" AJ asked, after a short silence. He'd moved closer, his body almost aligned with the other man's.
Brian swallowed. Nodded wordlessly.
"Okay." AJ rested his forehead against Brian's and smiled. "Me too. So ... there's that, then."
Heart pounding wildly in his chest, Howie laid back down and turned around to face the wall. He curled in on himself and listened to the thrumming of the bus instead. It almost drowned out the rest of their conversation. Almost.
Howie never had much privacy on the road. He wasn't as lucky as the others. Everyone respected AJ's need to sometimes be alone these days, and no one ever really bothered Kevin unless he wanted to be bothered. Nick could put on his headphones, slump against a wall and exude an air that seemed to say bother me and I'll shove a pea up your nose. Brian didn't need that much privacy. Howie didn't have any of that. Everyone seemed to think it was okay to bother Howie, even if he was on the phone which, granted, he was a lot.
What he had was sleep.
If he closed his eyes, people usually left him alone. So more often than not, when he needed a moment to himself, he curled up on the couch in the back and closed his eyes.
"Howie, have you - oh." Nick's voice cut off midway. There was silence for a moment, and then Howie heard feet shuffling away.
"Hey, has anyone seen my vest with the people on it?" Nick called out, his voice further away now.
"Did Kevin borrow it?" he heard AJ suggest from a closer distance.
"No, I already asked."
"Check with Howie then. He usually knows where everyone's shit is."
"He's asleep," Nick said.
"What?" AJ's voice was incredulous. "Again?" Another pair of shuffling feet on the floor, moving closer, and Howie tried to look at relaxed as possible. "Jesus," AJ mumbled, close by now. He had to be standing at the door.
Shuffling feet. Then, "What?" Brian's voice.
"He's asleep again," AJ said. "I swear, the man needs vitamins. This has to be some kind of health issue."
"He just needs to get back into the swing of things." The couch shifted and Howie went with it, relaxing his brow when it tried to frown. "He's been really quiet lately." Brian's voice, closer still. "More quiet than usual."
It was a moment before AJ spoke. "He'd tell us if something was wrong."
"Maybe." A hand came to rest on his ankle. Brian's hand was on his ankle.
"Listen." AJ sounded hesitant. "Since I have you here … can we talk later? You know, about the other night?"
There was a long moment of silence. Then, "Yeah. I've been meaning to ask you about that, too, but things just got … you know."
"Yeah, sure." The bus slowed down and AJ cleared his throat. "We're pulling up. Could you wake him?"
"Sure."
The sound of footsteps moving away, and Howie wished he'd really been asleep, even if that had meant missing the feel of Brian touching him.
The tour ended too quickly, but of course that didn't mean that they got a break from each other. There was promotion now, one interview lined up after another with the same questions asked over and over again. Howie was fine with it. He was used to it by now, not to mention that they needed the exposure. Plus he liked to talk about the album. He was proud of the album.
He was looking for a bathroom the first time it happened. The third door he opened was to an empty dressing room. Or what should have been an empty dressing room if Brian and AJ hadn't been making out in it.
"Oh shit," Howie gasped, too stunned to move, and he watched as the two men broke apart. Brian's hand had been near AJ's pants. Oh shit.
AJ fumbled his shirt back in place and took a step forward. "Howie," he said quickly, "Howie, listen-"
"I - sorry," he stuttered. Brian was staring at him, his breathing a little quicker than usual. His lips were swollen. "I'm sorry, I'll just - I - I won't tell anyone."
He closed the door and darted down the hallway as quickly as his legs could carry him. He heard a door opening, but he didn't stop, he couldn't stop. When he made it back to their own dressing room, he ran for the sink and splashed water in his face four times until he felt like he could breathe again.
"You okay, D?" Kevin raised an eyebrow from behind his newspaper.
"Yeah," Howie said breathlessly, nodding as he stared at his own reflection. "Fine, just … I'll be fine."
That proved to be one of the worst interviews Howie had ever done. He couldn't remember the name of the host, but it didn't really matter much since he wasn't speaking. Kevin was going on enough for everyone as always, so no one noticed. They'd placed him next to Brian and AJ - they always placed him next to Brian and AJ. Howie smiled and answered questions when asked directly and did everything he was supposed to. He even smiled at Brian and talked to AJ, but he couldn't remember ever wanting to be anywhere else so badly in his life.
Afterwards, when they were all filing for the van outside, Nick bounded up to him and slung his arms around him. "My man, Howie," he sang. "Dude, I'm so tired I think I could fall asleep right here. What else are we doing today?"
"I don't know," Howie said briefly, trying to disentangle himself from all the flailing limbs. "Nick, not now, okay?"
"What?" Nick asked, and now there was a teasing edge to his voice. "You don't like when I do this?" He poked Howie's side. "Or this?" He poked Howie's stomach. "Or-?"
"Stop it!" Howie snapped, shoving Nick away from him as hard as he dared. "Why don't you ever listen, huh? I said stop bothering me. I don't have the energy to deal with you right now. Jesus Christ, Nick."
Most people kept moving past them. It wasn't a big enough scene that anyone who didn't know Howie would notice. Nick, however, sported the widest eyes that Howie had ever seen. After a tense pause he stepped back, smoothing down his shirt. "All right," he said. "Sorry." Then he began walking towards the exit by himself, his hands buried in his pockets.
Howie watched him leave. As soon as he rounded a corner, Howie rubbed a hand over his face with a deep sigh. When he looked up Brian and AJ were still standing there, staring at him in much the same way Nick had. Except … and Howie couldn't be sure, but he thought that maybe Brian looked a little guilty.
"What?" he snapped. He began to walk in the same direction as Nick without giving them time to speak.
When he made it to the van, Kevin was still standing outside it. He gave Howie a puzzled look. "He just stormed in there without a word," he said, gesturing to Nick slumped down in the seat furthest away. "Did something happen?"
Howie heaved another sigh. "I'll take care of it." Climbing into the car, he settled down next to Nick who was clearly fascinated with something outside the window.
"Nicky," Howie said softly. Nick looked down at his hands and bit his lower lip. "I'm sorry. I'm really tired and I just … but that's no excuse."
He heard the others start to get into the car. Nick looked up at him, and for a very long moment he didn't say anything. Finally he offered him a half smile. "No problem," he said with a small nod. "I guess I need to learn how to listen. I won't do it again."
Howie eyed him for a second. Then he settled fully back in his seat and waited for Nick to get comfortable before he poked him right between the ribs. Nick flew up with a yelp and stared at Howie. "Hey!"
"What?" Howie asked innocently.
Nick did a double take, eyes suspicious, before he laughed. "Should've known, man. Stealth bastard, that's what you are."
Howie winked at him, and just like that, they were okay again. Howie finally took time to look around and wasn't surprised when he found Kevin sitting next to him. He tipped his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes, not looking back around to see AJ and Brian in the backseat.
Things got really weird after that.
For a while things were fine, mainly because they got a tiny breather for about a month. But then the tour started and he couldn't seem to enter a room without finding Brian and AJ doing something in there. One time they were just huddled close on a couch, AJ's head resting on Brian's shoulder. Another time they were rumbled and looked like they'd been kissing for hours. Howie started growing a complex. He always waited a beat before he opened a door, and even then, he did it carefully.
It was embarrassing and excruciating and completely off-the-charts weird. Something wasn't adding up. At least, nothing logical could explain why Brian had been smiling against AJ's lips the fourth time Howie had walked in on them.
Howie wasn't really sure how it had happened. For so many years, he and Brian had had nothing in common. They'd been good friends - they pretty much had to be, working as closely together as they all did - but there hadn't been that same level of closeness that he'd had with AJ and Kevin and, later, Nick.
But then Howie started mentioning his purple Corvette and Brian seemed to think that was the funniest thing in the world. They'd shared their faith for years now. Things fell into place for them in such a subtle way that Howie never saw it coming.
He wasn't really sure how it had happened, but he guessed it was the day Brian had sat down next to him and tugged on his hair. "You're my favorite," he'd said in a silly voice, and Howie had laughed for the first time that day. Brian had flashed him the biggest grin ever and slung his arm casually around the back of the couch. He hadn't moved for the next two interviews.
Howie was heading down to Marcus' room to see if he could help him fix his TV when another door in the hallway opened. Howie turned around and smiled painfully at AJ. It wasn't exactly easy being around him now that he seemed to be catching every episode of the AJ And Brian Lip-lock Show.
"Hey, Howie," AJ said, smiling as he approached him. "What are you up to?"
"What?" Howie cleared his throat and smiled back. "Oh, I just wanted to see if Marcus could help me out - my TV isn't showing any channels, so."
"Ah." AJ reached him. He reached out and brushed some lint off of Howie's shoulder. "Sounds like a slow night."
Howie frowned at him. Well, that was new. "I guess so."
"Listen, Howie." AJ said it as if he'd suddenly been struck by an epiphany. "Could you come with me for a second? I've been wanting to run something by you."
"Sure," Howie said slowly, raising an eyebrow. They made their way back to AJ's room in silence. AJ's hand settled on Howie's back, but when Howie looked up at him AJ was deeply intent on something ahead of him. When he showed Howie into the room his hand was still there.
The room was almost pitch-black, save for a desk lamp burning in the back corner. Howie froze when he saw Brian sitting on the bed, clad in only boxers and a faded Wildcats t-shirt, rubbing one of his arms and meeting Howie's gaze squarely.
"Wha-?" Howie's breath hitched when AJ wrapped arms around him from behind and placed a light kiss at the nape of his neck.
"Brian and I were wondering if you wanted to," another kiss, this time longer, "join us?"
Howie's brain was having trouble keeping up, because there was no way in hell he'd heard what he thought he'd just heard. Heart pounding, he stared at Brian, looking for some sign of a half-formed grin to let him know it was all just a sick, sick joke, but Brian wasn't smiling. He just stared back, an expression that Howie had never seen held firmly on his face.
Waiting.
"What are you doing?" Howie asked wildly, stepping out of AJ's grip with force. "You think this is funny?"
"No," Brian answered.
"Then - what the hell?" Howie was shaking now, and there was no possible way to explain why Brian was looking at him like that. "You know that I'm - dammit, you know, and for you to still - it's a really shitty thing to do. You're going too far."
Brian stood up and walked over to Howie slowly, only stopping when they were close enough for Howie to feel warmth, warmth, why the hell was Brian so warm? His eyes were clear and serious. "I'm not making fun of you," he said quietly. "And I'm not experimenting, and I'm not going to forget it in the morning. We want to do this with you, and you've been acting like you might - but it's up to you. Yes or no, Howie."
He just had to breathe, really, that was the key. Howie's vision blurred slightly at the edges - from the intense panic attack, or the burning, overwhelming heat pooling in his stomach, he wasn't sure. There was no reason to freak out like this, he told himself. He'd done this before. Several times, actually. But this was different. He was the only one here with anything to lose.
But he couldn't remember a time where he didn't want Brian, either.
"It's okay," Brian reassured, and Howie could tell he was holding back from touching him. "You can say no, it's - it's fine. Still friends, right?" His grin was lopsided and very nervous.
"He won't say no," AJ interjected, pulling Howie close again and Howie was already so freaked that his breathing was going shallow. "You've been jealous," he added quietly. Not mocking, just stating a fact. "I know it's mostly about - but it has to be both of us, Howie, because I'm not going to - it has to be both." He nuzzled his face into Howie's neck, and Howie thought, AJ, sweet AJ, my best friend once. "I want you, too," AJ murmured against his skin. Kissed it gently. "I'm here and I want you, too."
"I-" Howie tried, but the words got stuck in his throat. He didn't dare look up at Brian, because Brian still wasn't touching him and he didn't know how the hell he would react if Brian actually did touch him. He concentrated on AJ instead, AJ who was holding him and calming him and making it all sound so easy.
"You want to?" AJ asked quietly, hands sliding over Howie's stomach, and there was really only one answer to give.
He nodded once, looking down at the ugly red carpet and seeing nothing else. When AJ kissed him behind one ear and made his way down Howie's neck, he didn't pull away. And when Brian moved closer, pressed a hand to his cheek and let his eyes roam wherever they pleased, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"You don't have to do this," he whispered, and immediately wanted to take it back.
It was a moment before he heard AJ say, "We asked you, D. Not the other way around."
Breathe, breathe, just calm the hell down. Howie turned his head slightly in AJ's direction. "You're insane," he said, breathless, because Brian's hands were on his chest now, "Why did you - why, how did you even think of something like this?"
AJ smiled briefly and ran a hand slowly through Howie's curls. "Wasn't my idea," he murmured.
When Howie turned back to Brian in shock, he was still studying Howie closely. He had moved, because they were almost pressed together completely now, and Howie felt his stomach lurch. "Howie," Brian said again, voice hesitant, eyes inspecting every inch of the other man's face before finally stopping at his lips.
Brian was nervous, too. That made him feel marginally less like throwing up. He was about to open his mouth to speak when Brian blurted, "just, think later, okay?" and when he leaned in Howie leaned back in shock for the briefest of seconds. Then...
Oh.
Then there were lips, slightly chapped but still so soft, sliding over his own - carefully, so carefully. The simple sounds the kiss produced made Howie do a full-body shudder. There was a noise, like a cut-off moan, and he didn't know where it came from but he didn't care either. AJ was still pressed against his back, kissing and nibbling at his neck. It was glorious. It was the hottest thing he'd ever done - and he'd done a lot of stuff - and he hadn't been this scared since the day he'd kissed gap-toothed Lenny Thomas behind the china shop at the state fair, his first kiss with a boy, ever, and this was a really bad time to be thinking about that.
Brian cupped Howie's face in his hands and deepened the kiss, tongue licking at Howie's lips to gain access. Howie's mouth fell open before he could even think about it, and oh, Brian was a fucking natural. Howie made a keening noise that was utterly embarrassing and AJ bit down on his neck gently. Howie fought back a groan.
"Don't do that," Brian breathed into Howie's mouth, hands now running up and down his arms and causing delicious goosebumps. "Don't hold back, don't-"
Something in Howie snapped.
Making a growling noise deep in the back of his throat, he surged forward and pressed their mouths together tight, teeth briefly clicking, hands running over Brian's back, in his hair, down his arms. Somewhere far back he heard a soft "fuck" that had to have come from AJ, but he wasn't about to stop and check. Brian was clinging to him, making noises that had to be completely sinful and giving it back as good as he got. He tasted like toothpaste and something so decidedly Brian that Howie quickly decided it was the best thing he had ever tasted in his life. They were so close that their cheeks brushed, all teeth and tongues and ragged breathing and it wasn't enough, it tore at him how he needed more, closer, harder, tighter, now.
He wrenched away with a shuddering gasp, but they were still so close, Brian's face only inches from his. He could feel Brian's labored breathing ghost over his lips, see the dazed look in his eyes, the surprise underneath the desire, the desire, and somewhere far off he could hear himself babble in an uncharacteristically raspy voice, "That was, that, I don't, I-"
"Wow," AJ breathed behind him. "Rok, you okay?"
Brian laughed breathlessly, still not tearing his gaze away from Howie, who was feeling more than a little nauseous at the moment. "Absolutely," he replied in a husky voice. "I - I had no idea you-"
Howie managed a hesitant smile. He was shaking hard with pent up energy now, waiting, wanting, aching to reach out, so when Brian began to tuck Howie's shirt out of his jeans, he gasped and leaned into him on pure instinct. A smile that looked like a secret tugged on Brian's lips as he murmured, "More?" Howie nodded and a needy sound fell unconsciously from his throat as Brian kissed him again.
It was different this time. Brian teased Howie's lips open, and then it was soft and deep. So incredibly sexy. Howie barely felt it when AJ began guiding them all towards the bed, he was so caught up in Brian and the soft noises he was making, in the way he gripped Howie's arms tight so he wouldn't lose his balance. In the way the heat lurking under the surface felt a little bit like a surprise to the both of them.
When the back of Brian's knees hit the bed, he broke the kiss with a soft gasp. Howie stared at him, slightly out of breath and completely at a loss. Brian smiled at him again, and just as Howie watched him begin to settle down on the bed, he was turned around by persistent hands. He met AJ's gaze and hoped he didn't look as lost as he felt. AJ stepped closer and ran his hands over Howie's shoulders, raising an eyebrow as he waited. Howie swallowed once before nodding. He was breathing hard, blood pounding in his ears, and AJ frowned just as he was about to lean in.
"Howie," he said gently and ran a hand through Howie's hair. "Howie-"
"I know," he interrupted roughly, closing his eyes and pressing his hands to AJ's chest. "I know - just-"
He was cut off by AJ's lips on his, which was probably a good thing, because he had no idea what he was trying to say. Howie's surprised gasp was muffled between them, but he recovered quickly and moved his own shaking hand to AJ's hair, pulling him closer. He opened his eyes and saw blurry eyelashes as AJ whispered, "come on, come on" into his mouth and, just like that, their kiss grew harder. AJ growled in frustration and Howie was going to pass out from lack of oxygen soon, but he didn't care, because this was … this was…
He felt AJ's hands fumble with the hem of his shirt and they only pulled away from each other when AJ got a good enough grip to yank it over Howie's head. They looked at each other, fighting for breath, and when AJ kissed him a second time it didn't feel like they were trying so hard. AJ's beard scraped over Howie's cheeks, so different from Brian, so different, but still good. "AJ," Howie murmured, just once, just to remind himself where he was. AJ nibbled at his lower lip in response and his hand tickled lightly over Howie's stomach, making Howie gasp into the kiss. He'd always known, for some reason, that AJ would be pretty damn good at this. The fact that he'd actually thought about that before tonight was something he didn't feel like dwelling on too much.
They broke away from the kiss slowly, AJ pressing his forehead to Howie's as they steadied themselves. Howie tried to get his heartbeat to slow down, but it wasn't easy - not with AJ's soft breath against his face and Brian's eyes on his back. AJ moved back just enough that he could look Howie in the eye, and they shared a smile. "Turn around," AJ said hoarsely, and Howie sucked in a sharp breath. "He can't stop looking at you. Turn around and see for yourself."
Howie almost laughed, this was all so absurd and exactly what he'd wanted for so long. AJ smiled again, like he understood, and kissed Howie's neck before he turned him back around to face Brian. He was up on his knees on the bed, making them almost at eye level. He grinned lightly, not giving a damn that he was caught staring, and just before Howie was pulled in for another kiss he heard Brian murmur a soft, "thank you." Howie closed his eyes and wondered which one of them that was meant for.
The part of Howie's brain that he could never shut up kept telling him that when he woke up, none of it would have happened. He had to have imagined it. There was no way it could've been real.
Except that when he woke up, Brian's morning stubble was tickling the back of his neck. Howie blinked a few times, trying to make sense of where he was and what had happened when AJ walked out of the bathroom, scratching his chest as he yawned hugely. His eyes landed on Howie and a small smile crept up on his face.
"Morning," he chirped.
Howie blinked again. That probably wasn't the best way to communicate. "Morning," he tried instead, clearing his throat when he realized how raspy his voice was.
"Do you wanna shower first?" AJ asked, and Howie tried desperately to focus on what he was saying instead of thinking about where his mouth and hands had been last night, "Or you can go back to your own room and shower if you want to. I'm not trying to kick you out or anything, but I'm just saying, three people and one shower. Whoever gets last turn is in for a cold treat, you know?"
"Um." Howie tried to move until he discovered that one of Brian's legs was thrown over his. "I'll, uh. I guess I'll shower in my own room. I'll just-"
"You don't have to go yet," Brian mumbled slowly, the words muffled against the back of Howie's neck. "AJ, slow down. What's the hurry?"
"We have stuff to do today," AJ protested. "There's that radio interview thing. And I don't know if you remember, but there's also that pesky little concert. You know, girls screaming, panties flying. Fun all around."
"Yay," Brian said calmly. Every time he spoke, his lips moved against Howie's neck. Howie tried to keep as still as possible. "Go shower first then. I'm comfortable."
"I would be, too," AJ commented with a knowing smirk. Before Howie had time to think about what that meant, AJ turned back around. "All right, I'll go first, but if you're still snuggling when I'm done I'm dragging both of you out of bed. By the hair if I have to."
The door closed with a soft click, leaving the room quiet once again. Howie was wide awake now, overly aware of each deep breath Brian took. Brian made no move to get up, or even to move away now that they had more room. Howie cleared his throat again. "I … I think I'll go take that shower then."
"Already?" Brian's voice was still low with sleep.
"Yeah," Howie rasped.
"All right." There was stirring behind him, and when a hand settled gently on his shoulder, Howie turned to find Brian propped up on his elbow. His hair was sticking up in every direction and Howie had a sudden urge to smooth it down. Brian offered him a small smile. "You okay?"
Howie thought about it. Then he nodded, feeling a smile of his own grow.
"Good." Brian's thumb was rubbing over Howie's shoulder blade now. "Listen, Howie, this doesn't have to … you know. We can do this again. If you want to."
The smile fell off Howie's face. He thought he'd hoped too much. Things never happened when he hoped too much. "I … yeah. Definitely." He gestured towards the bathroom. "But what about…?"
"He knows I'm asking you," Brian replied. "We talked about it a lot before it happened, you know. I just don't think either of us thought that…" Brian trailed off, fixing his gaze on Howie's neck. "I don't know. It wasn't what I expected."
Howie swallowed hard. "Oh."
"No, I mean," Brian took his hand and squeezed it gently, "in a good way." When Howie looked up at him again, Brian was smiling.
Howie let out a little laugh. "This is weird." He shook his head. "I mean, it's - it's you. And AJ. And then last night - it's so different now."
"Yeah." Brian nodded. "It takes a little while to get used to." He studied Howie's face for a moment, looking like he was deep in thought. Then he leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of Howie's mouth. "I like change, though," he added with a half smile.
Howie looked up into blue eyes and smiled back. "Me too."
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