#54 -- Mallory and the Dream Horse
Oh, poor unfortunate Mallory. You can't get a nose job. You have to buy your own clothes. Your parents make you do chores and baby-sit your idiot siblings without pay. You have really horrible hair. Nobody likes you. When you finally find something that you like, you suck at it. You should just give up at life.
Book number 54 is simply another chapter in the unfortunate life of Mallory Pike. In this ... err... questionable piece of writing, she learns to ride horses, then falls in love with a horse, and is bullied by her peers in horse class. Oh well, at least she doesn't look too deformed on the cover for a change.
This is my first snark, so please be kind. ^_^
CHAPTER ONE:
This book opens with Claire running around Mallory's bedroom with her pet 'mop', Noodle, while Mallory and Jessi are reading 'Misty of FUCKING Chincoteague' for the millionth time. Mallory is forced to put her book down and make Claire have a nap, because even though her parents are home, they're totally not interested in looking after their six-year-old. Instead, they let 'Martyr' Mallory deal with it.
After putting Claire to bed, Mallory and Jessi have a fun conversation about 'their dream horse'. It's times like these that they actually *act* their age. Mallory says she wants a smart horse that will save her if she, for example, breaks her foot in the woods. Jessi wants a hose that will do 'cute things' like count to ten with his hoof. I'm sure you could possibly read some sort of psychology stuff into this; any ideas?
Anyway, I digress. Mallory says, after awhile, that she wants to be Sara Crewe (from 'A Little Princess') and have her own horse. That's stupid. I mean, can't they think of a better example to use here? If you'll all remember correctly, Sara Crewe's life ends up being just a bit more shit than Mallory's; her dad dies and she has to live in an attic and that pony she has ends up going to live with someone else. But I'm starting to think that Mallory likes to suffer, so perhaps this is an apt example after all.
The rest of the chapter is just boring stuff to show us how UTTERLY CRAZY the Pike family is. We already knew that. Gosh. But I have to ask again: WHERE ARE THE PARENTS WHILE NICKY IS WRESTLING FRODO, THE HAMPSTER?!?!?!
CHAPTER TWO:
Malllory goes to get the mail and finds a brochure for a new horse-riding school in Stoneybrook. This brings her such joy that she 'clutches the brochure to her chest and spins in a circle'. I'm not even going to point out how lame that is.
The usual 'about-the-BSC' stuff follows. Fun things that jumped out at me while I was reading: Claudia calls Stacey the 'Queen of Dibbleness', which is the BSC's word for 'ultra-cool'. I think it's been pointed out about fifty thousand times, but 'dibble' is about THE most uncool word I've ever heard in my entire life. It's when the girls say things like 'dibble' that I realise they really are just a bunch of stupid teenagers living in small-town America.
When Mallory gets to the meeting, all she can think about is riding lessons. She stops paying attention to Cult proceedings and dreams about her and Jessi taking riding lessons together. Kristy makes a lame joke about Mallory saddling up her horse and heading back to the corrall, and everybody laughs (possibly because they fear retribution from K.Ron, I don't know.)
CHAPTER THREE:
In which an eleven-year-old baby-sits a four-year-old and a two-year-old. Whatever. So, Mallory's sitting for the Marshalls, and it turns out Nina's just started preschool, and seems kinda emo about it. Apparently, it's because Nina likes to take her blanket, 'Blankey' to preschool with her, and the other four-year-olds (!!!) tease her about it. Surely she's not the only FOUR-YEAR-OLD at her playschool who brings stuffed toys/a blanket with her to school? Does Ann M. Martin REALLY have that much trouble writing believable children? (See also: Gabbie Perkins, a forty-year-old trapped in a much, much younger body.)
Just out of curiosity, does Blankie appear in any other BSC books, or was it just a plot contrivance for this one?
Mrs. Marshall comes home and pays Mallory, but Mallory doesn't say anything to Mrs. Marshall about Nina's problem... mostly because the BSC likes to handle the problems of all their clients' children. However, Mallory doesn't talk about this with the BSC during their meeting this afternoon- instead, she discusses her convoluted 'strategy' to get her parents to let her take horse riding lessons.
CHAPTER FOUR:
Blah blah Pike craziness. However, the Pike parents actually do a bit of parenting for a change, breaking up a kicking war between Nicky and Margo (although they banish Nicky to the 'other end of the kitchen' and Margo ends up in tears, which does make me wonder somewhat about their parenting skills.)
After Mallory helpfully cleans up Claire's spilt milk (SERIOUSLY, SHE'S SIX, CAN'T SHE CLEAN UP HER OWN MILK? Is it really that hard?) she broaches the subject of the riding lessons with her parents. She even makes herself a large timetable on a poster board and presents it to her parents, in an attempt to make them take her seriously. Her father chuckles at this; I think it's because he realises, at this point, what an idiot his eldest child is. Mallory takes his mirth as him being pleased with her organisational skills. Sure, Mal, whatever you say...
She launches into this spiel about her timetable, putting special emphasis on her duties at home (i.e., slave labour). Her parents readily agree to let her take riding lessons, then make her pay half. Um, yeah, because the dollar fifty Mallory makes every week will obviously help pay for expensive lessons.
Mallory runs upstairs to call Jessi and see if she was able to con her parents into letting her take riding lessons. Jessi's parents tell her she can't take lessons because she already has a full extra-curricular timetable. Jessi can't even be happy for Mallory, even though for once in her life, Mallory actually gets to do something fun with her spare time, instead of scrubbing the floors or sleeping outside.
At the end of the chapter, the Pike kids decide to hold a stupid neighbourhood activity- a TALENT SHOW! Yeah, like that hasn't been done to death. Mallory can't stop thinking about how sad Jessi must be because she can't take riding lessons. She actually feels sorry for Jessi, who later acts like a spoilt brat. Ugh.
CHAPTER FIVE:
This chapter opens with a stereotypical English woman with a clipped accent introducing herself to the class. Her name is Lauren Kendall, and she's neatly decked out in expensive-looking horseriding threads. Mallory instantly develops a crush on this woman. (I just know that in high school or university, Mallory is going to act like a lesbian in an attempt to get some guy's attention. I CAN FEEL IT.) She spends a couple of paragraphs fawning over Lauren's appearance, and it's all a bit creepy. Mallory vows to be JUST LIKE LAUREN when she grows up.
So, the kids are all clopping around the ring with their horses, and one girl TOTALLY makes a snide comment about Mallory's outfit, because Mallory is wearing a red plaid shirt and jeans, as opposed to an 'English Riding Habit'. Mallory was told while organising the lessons with Lauren that a riding habit was the reccommended attire for the class, but because Mallory's family is super poor, she had to make do with whatever was in her (and her dad's) wardrobe. Because Mallory is always an outsider in life, she's the only riding student not decked out in a riding habit. This seems a tad unrealistic to me- it's insinuated that all the other kids in the class have a ton of money to spend on these pursuits. How many rich people does Stoneybrook have?
More boring trotting ensues until Mallory spots the titular 'DREAM HORSE', who is a white Arabian. Lauren interrupts Mallory's daydream with more technical horse-riding stuff (she mentions 'rocking your pelvis forward and back', which made me literally giggle, because I am utterly immature)
After the lesson is finished, Mallory gets to do her favourite activity: cleaning and grooming. Whatever. Does she really need to take horse-riding lessons to learn how to comb knots out of a horse's mane? Can't she just practice on her own hair? OH SNAP! She continues to fap over the white horse (who goes by the name of Pax), before it's time for her to head home.
Once she's home, she rings up Jessi and tells her that Lauren Kendall is 'beautiful'. (Total crush.) Mallory continues to gush about her day, until Jessi acts like a little bitch and hangs up on Mallory. OMG, WHY CAN'T SHE JUST BE HAPPY FOR MALLORY FOR A CHANGE? MALLORY'S LIFE SUCKS! So now Mallory's all confused and like 'zomgah, did I piss Jessi off? Whut whut?' Apparently it's not "like Jessi to be rude", but I beg to differ.
CHAPTER SIX:
Another lame baby-sitting chapter. This time, Jessi is babysitting for the Marshalls. I'm not even going to try and decode her notebook entry.
Not much happens, except Nina tells Jessi that she's being teased, but for some unknown reason Jessi decides to wait and talk to the BSCult before broaching the subject with Mrs. Marshall. Jessi, for God's sake, do you really need to talk to the BSC about every. little. thing. you. do? Are you unable to make simple decisions about things without discussing it with a group of irritating thirteen-year-olds?
Later, a few of the Pike kids turn up, because they're holding auditions for their stupid talent show. I really can't believe the Pike parents are letting four children under the age of eight wander around a neighbourhood letting themselves into people's houses to hold talent show auditions... but then again, this *is* bizarro world. Instead of asking Nina to audition, the Pikes simply show off their own talents, which include death-defying stunts like the wheelbarrow (how on earth is that a talent?), sliding down a slide without using hands (... what?) and totally failing at juggling. (Oh, Claire, you ARE a silly-billy-goo-goo!)
I suppose these lame stunts are supposed to be all endearing , but really they just demonstrate how utterly talentless every child in Stoneybrook actually is (except for the Perkins girls.)
CHAPTER SEVEN:
Mallory gets to ride Pax in her next riding lesson. Oh glee. She's super excited, but her happy mood is dampened when a girl called Allison tells her "I thought we were supposed to wear proper riding attire for this class." Allison is described as having frizzy hair and braces, so I don't know why she's being so bitchy- surely her and Mallory are kindred spirits. But still... I have to admire her for actually SPEAKING HER MIND, because nobody ever says anything controversial in Stoneybrookland, they always just skirt around being bitchy and act all passive-aggressive.
Mallory totally doesn't stand up for herself though. Boring. Instead, she watches the other kids in the ring, all of whom are wearing proper riding attire, and feels uneasy- until Pax nudges her with his nose, and Mallory thinks this is his way of saying "You're as good as they are, get in there and let them know that." (Well, sry to say Mallory, but you'll soon learn that you suck at riding, as well as everything else.)
During the lesson, Mallory holds one-sided conversations with two other kids- Kyle and Megan- then eagerly gets their phone numbers, suggesting that they "catch up later in the week." She's trying way too hard at this, and neither of the kids pay any attention to her. We all know how this is going to turn out.
While talking to Megan, Mallory observes that she "must know more about horse discipline than I did", because Megan keeps calling her horse stupid and dumb. Whatever, Mallory.
After the class, Mallory thinks she's made some new friends, even though none of them really spoke to her during the class. She then gets chatting to this guy named David, and it's pretty amusing. It speaks for itself:
"Your name's David, isn't it?" I said as I ran the brush across Pax's broad back. When the boy nodded yes, I continued, "Well, I don't know if I told you last week, but my name's Mallory Pike. I go to Stoneybrook Middle School."
"Oh?"
I took that to mean he was still interested in talking. So for the next five minutes I rattled on nonstop. I told him about my family, my best friend, and the Baby-Sitters Club.
"Jessi and I have seen practically every horse movie ever made," I said, carefully pulling a few tangles out of Pax's mane. "My friends say I'm horse-crazy. Which is why I wanted to take this class." It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't let him squeeze a word into the conversation.
That's enough to put *anyone* off being her friend.
Once she gets home, Mallory rings Jessi, and gets the cold shoulder again. God, Jessi is totally a high maintenance friend. After hanging up, Mallory has an internal bitch about her ex-best friend, thinking about her new friends from riding camp. She decides to ring one of them, then realises she doesn't have any of their phone numbers. Oh yeah, and none of them bother to ring her at all during the week. Gee, I wonder why?
CHAPTER EIGHT:
So, it's a week later, and Mallory's at horse-riding class again. Kyle and David totally ignore her, then Mallory gets assigned a difficult horse called Gremlin, and then she falls off the horse. I love this bit: I lay on the ground in a daze, vaguely aware of the pounding horses and their riders struggling to avoid stepping on me. I love how absolutely NOBODY bothers to even ask if she's alright- they just walk around her like she's a rock or something.
Lauren rings Mrs. Pike, who actually comes to pick her daughter up. They head to the hospital- the emergency room, no less. Way to use up national resources on something pointless! Although, you DO have eight children, so I suppose using up national resources is a pastime of yours...
When they get to the hospital, Mallory's doctor turns up in his golfing outfit, which sounds like something Claudia would wear- bright yellow pants, an electric-blue shirt, and a visor. It turns out there is absolutely nothing wrong with Mallory. Did they really need to go to the emergency room to find that out?
Mallory returns to her horse riding lessons the next week, but is too scared to get on a horse, and hates everything. And Jessi still isn't speaking to her, nor are any of the kids in riding class. Oh, woe. HOWEVER, MALLORY IS GOING TO GET UP! SHE'S GOING TO GET BACK ON THAT HORSE AND PERSEVERE! That's our Mallory! She never, ever, EVER gives up!
CHAPTER NINE:
Another babysitting chapter... Claudia and Stacey are babysitting for the Pikes. Within the brief notebook entry at the beginning of the chapter, Claudia successfully misspells 'Looney Tons' (Looney Tunes), 'intire nayborhood preform' (entire neighbourhood perform) and 'laff' (laugh... and Stacey even spells it correctly for her in the previous sentence. Oh, Claudia. Are you sure you don't have a learning disability?)
So, the two girls have to watch the kids prepare for the big talent show, which has been christened 'Stars of Tomorrow'. It's the dress rehersal, so a whole bunch of kids show up in the yard and get ready to perform their talent. Hilarious hijinks ensue, rather predictably, as most of the kids fail miserably at their talents. There's a stupid moment where Vanessa asks all the kids in the yard to "lend her [their] ears" and one little girl in a tutu says "... we're supposed to give her our ears?"
The talents include tuba-playing (which is done by Sean Addison, who has been pushed into yet another after-school activity by his parents), showing off Pow (the Barretts, obviously), and baton-twirling (Hayley). While all this is going on, Mary Anne shows up with Nina and her blanket. Carrot the dog instantly begins to chew on Blankie, and Nina freaks out.
The chapter ends with the girls having a confidential chat about how evil Blankie is, and how a piece of material is stopping Nina from fully experiencing life, and acting waaay older than they actually should.
CHAPTER TEN:
Another monotonous horseriding lesson. Mallory learns, much to her horror, that they'll be participating in a riding show. Then a girl called Amber invites everyone to her birthday party. Mallory is super excited about this, thinking that it's her big chance to get in with the other kids. She goes home and tries to figure out what to wear. At first, she considers wearing a 'tie-dyed tights and a bright purple oversized t-shirt knotted at the bottom, with a big red belt' but ultimately goes with 'a gold-and-brown kilt, a gold cotton sweater, and penny loafers.' ... Mallory is such a try-hard.
Mallory heads to Amber's house for the party and once she gets there, she realises her outfit is all wrong. All the kids are wearing 'wacky bright clothes with spiked hair and tons of fun jewellery.' Meh. She spends two hours being a wallflower because nobody will talk to her, and because she looks like a fifty-something at some church function. She heads home early, then rings Jessi because she needs to hear somebody friendly for a change. Jessi totally brushes her off. God, I hate Jessi.
That night, Mallory dreams of strange people in riding boots eating mouthfuls of cake, and angry horses chasing her around swimming pools filled with punch. Mallory has a scary, scary mind.
CHAPTER ELEVEN:
The whole horseriding thing is nearly done. THANK GOD. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Sure, perhaps a nine or ten-year old who is going through a 'horse' phase would enjoy this book, but I've found it to be one of the more painful reading experiences I've had in a long time.
NOTHING of note happens in this chapter. I'm serious. Absolutely nothing interesting- it's just six pages of horse wank and emo Mallory goodness. Mallory fawns over Pax again (but she doesn't get to ride him this time), the students practice more riding techniques, and then they get to pick which horse they ride in the riding show. Of course, Mallory picks Pax because she has a major hard-on for him.
CHAPTER TWELVE:
Dawn babysits for Nina Marshall and DISASTER STRIKES. Mrs. Marshall has put Blankie in the dryer, and when Dawn goes to get the blanket out, she rips it to pieces. Way to go, stupid! Nina chucks a psycho and screams 'YOU KILLED MY BLANKET' before practically diving into the dryer to save the remnants of her precious blanket. Nina burns her hand, and continues to sob and scream. When Dawn goes to comfort Nina, Nina punches her in the shoulder and continues wailing.
Finally, after a moment, Dawn has a brainwave! She picks up a few pieces of the dismembered Blankie and says to Nina 'LOOK, NOW YOU CAN TAKE BLANKIE WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO' and Nina cheers up. This bit is actually kind of sweet, because Dawn gives Nina a hug and sticks a bit of Blankie in Nina's pocket and says 'He'll always be with you' and the sap in me goes 'AWWWWWWW.'
CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
Well, after that sweet moment, we return to our regularly scheduled Mallory Bitch Session. The girls are all at a BSC meeting and everyone thinks Dawn is a total genius because she thought of a use for Blankie's pieces. These girls are so easily impressed.
Oh, and there's a whole bunch of self-congratulatory bullshit as all the girls remember the various problems they've solved for children in Stoneybrook. Mallory even reminisces about Jessi learning sign language, to which Jessi signs 'Thanks for remembering that'... and Mallory understands her. Double WTF.
Claudia asks Mallory about the talent show (which is definitely an afterthought in this book... seriously, do we really need an A, B AND C plot? It's a tad superfluous.), then Stacey asks Mallory about the horse show. Mallory bursts into tears and the whole club has to comfort her. Apparently, it's always been Mallory's dream to live on a ranch with tons of horses and be a writer, and now she's confused 'cause she doesn't like horses anymore. Does this whole ranch thing ever show up in canon again?
After the meeting, Jessi and Mallory become BFFs again, and it turns out that Jessi was just super jealous because Mallory got to fulfill one of her predefined character traits and take riding lessons. They totes forgive each other, and Mallory promises to introduce Jessi to Pax, because Mallory "really wants [Jessi] to meet him." Is it just me or does Mallory seem like a bit of a Furry in this book?
CHAPTER FOURTEEN:
Finally, the big day arrives - the horse show is here! Lauren even shows up at Mallory's house to give her a REAL English Riding Habit! Apparently, an adult's riding habit can fit an eleven-year-old. Why don't these books ever seem to have a basis in reality? srsly?!
Mallory's nervous, so she gives Jessi a ring, and Jessi tells her to do some plies, because she knows "everything about warming up." Oh, and her voice "rings with authority", which really reminded me of a Sweet Valley High book, because that's exactly the kind of cliched bullshit that would appear in an SVH book.
The Pikes all head off to Kendallwood Farm, and Mallory dithers around the stables for two hours (though she calls it being "ding-y"... dingy?!) before it's time to go into the ring. For the first few minutes the students just walk around on their horses, until the judges pick six students to remain in the ring and do another walk. Surprisingly, Mallory is one of these six. Mallory doesn't fall off the horse and ultimately places sixth out of the six who remained in the ring, and sixth out of twelve. This proves that she is not, in fact, very good at horseriding.
After the competition is finished, Mallory meets up with her parents and friends in the stable. Her parents think she's really talented and offer to pay for her do to another horseriding course and Mallory is all like 'HALE NO.' She heads off to say her ~final goodbye~ to Pax, in a scene that brings Mallory to tears. Jessi finishes the chapter by acting like an extremely old woman and saying "You're so lucky to have known him, even if it was for a short time." I gag. END HORSERIDING CHAPTERS.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN:
OMFGYAY, It's time for the talent show! And, as per usual, about fifty million people- including adults- have turned up to witness another half-assed amateur event! Of course, it all goes to hell, because people forget their cues, Sean loses his tuba (how on earth do you lose a tuba?), Pow chases a cat, et cetra, et cetra. Of course, everyone thinks this is hilarious, and the talent show is a success.
Book number 54 is simply another chapter in the unfortunate life of Mallory Pike. In this ... err... questionable piece of writing, she learns to ride horses, then falls in love with a horse, and is bullied by her peers in horse class. Oh well, at least she doesn't look too deformed on the cover for a change.
This is my first snark, so please be kind. ^_^
CHAPTER ONE:
This book opens with Claire running around Mallory's bedroom with her pet 'mop', Noodle, while Mallory and Jessi are reading 'Misty of FUCKING Chincoteague' for the millionth time. Mallory is forced to put her book down and make Claire have a nap, because even though her parents are home, they're totally not interested in looking after their six-year-old. Instead, they let 'Martyr' Mallory deal with it.
After putting Claire to bed, Mallory and Jessi have a fun conversation about 'their dream horse'. It's times like these that they actually *act* their age. Mallory says she wants a smart horse that will save her if she, for example, breaks her foot in the woods. Jessi wants a hose that will do 'cute things' like count to ten with his hoof. I'm sure you could possibly read some sort of psychology stuff into this; any ideas?
Anyway, I digress. Mallory says, after awhile, that she wants to be Sara Crewe (from 'A Little Princess') and have her own horse. That's stupid. I mean, can't they think of a better example to use here? If you'll all remember correctly, Sara Crewe's life ends up being just a bit more shit than Mallory's; her dad dies and she has to live in an attic and that pony she has ends up going to live with someone else. But I'm starting to think that Mallory likes to suffer, so perhaps this is an apt example after all.
The rest of the chapter is just boring stuff to show us how UTTERLY CRAZY the Pike family is. We already knew that. Gosh. But I have to ask again: WHERE ARE THE PARENTS WHILE NICKY IS WRESTLING FRODO, THE HAMPSTER?!?!?!
CHAPTER TWO:
Malllory goes to get the mail and finds a brochure for a new horse-riding school in Stoneybrook. This brings her such joy that she 'clutches the brochure to her chest and spins in a circle'. I'm not even going to point out how lame that is.
The usual 'about-the-BSC' stuff follows. Fun things that jumped out at me while I was reading: Claudia calls Stacey the 'Queen of Dibbleness', which is the BSC's word for 'ultra-cool'. I think it's been pointed out about fifty thousand times, but 'dibble' is about THE most uncool word I've ever heard in my entire life. It's when the girls say things like 'dibble' that I realise they really are just a bunch of stupid teenagers living in small-town America.
When Mallory gets to the meeting, all she can think about is riding lessons. She stops paying attention to Cult proceedings and dreams about her and Jessi taking riding lessons together. Kristy makes a lame joke about Mallory saddling up her horse and heading back to the corrall, and everybody laughs (possibly because they fear retribution from K.Ron, I don't know.)
CHAPTER THREE:
In which an eleven-year-old baby-sits a four-year-old and a two-year-old. Whatever. So, Mallory's sitting for the Marshalls, and it turns out Nina's just started preschool, and seems kinda emo about it. Apparently, it's because Nina likes to take her blanket, 'Blankey' to preschool with her, and the other four-year-olds (!!!) tease her about it. Surely she's not the only FOUR-YEAR-OLD at her playschool who brings stuffed toys/a blanket with her to school? Does Ann M. Martin REALLY have that much trouble writing believable children? (See also: Gabbie Perkins, a forty-year-old trapped in a much, much younger body.)
Just out of curiosity, does Blankie appear in any other BSC books, or was it just a plot contrivance for this one?
Mrs. Marshall comes home and pays Mallory, but Mallory doesn't say anything to Mrs. Marshall about Nina's problem... mostly because the BSC likes to handle the problems of all their clients' children. However, Mallory doesn't talk about this with the BSC during their meeting this afternoon- instead, she discusses her convoluted 'strategy' to get her parents to let her take horse riding lessons.
CHAPTER FOUR:
Blah blah Pike craziness. However, the Pike parents actually do a bit of parenting for a change, breaking up a kicking war between Nicky and Margo (although they banish Nicky to the 'other end of the kitchen' and Margo ends up in tears, which does make me wonder somewhat about their parenting skills.)
After Mallory helpfully cleans up Claire's spilt milk (SERIOUSLY, SHE'S SIX, CAN'T SHE CLEAN UP HER OWN MILK? Is it really that hard?) she broaches the subject of the riding lessons with her parents. She even makes herself a large timetable on a poster board and presents it to her parents, in an attempt to make them take her seriously. Her father chuckles at this; I think it's because he realises, at this point, what an idiot his eldest child is. Mallory takes his mirth as him being pleased with her organisational skills. Sure, Mal, whatever you say...
She launches into this spiel about her timetable, putting special emphasis on her duties at home (i.e., slave labour). Her parents readily agree to let her take riding lessons, then make her pay half. Um, yeah, because the dollar fifty Mallory makes every week will obviously help pay for expensive lessons.
Mallory runs upstairs to call Jessi and see if she was able to con her parents into letting her take riding lessons. Jessi's parents tell her she can't take lessons because she already has a full extra-curricular timetable. Jessi can't even be happy for Mallory, even though for once in her life, Mallory actually gets to do something fun with her spare time, instead of scrubbing the floors or sleeping outside.
At the end of the chapter, the Pike kids decide to hold a stupid neighbourhood activity- a TALENT SHOW! Yeah, like that hasn't been done to death. Mallory can't stop thinking about how sad Jessi must be because she can't take riding lessons. She actually feels sorry for Jessi, who later acts like a spoilt brat. Ugh.
CHAPTER FIVE:
This chapter opens with a stereotypical English woman with a clipped accent introducing herself to the class. Her name is Lauren Kendall, and she's neatly decked out in expensive-looking horseriding threads. Mallory instantly develops a crush on this woman. (I just know that in high school or university, Mallory is going to act like a lesbian in an attempt to get some guy's attention. I CAN FEEL IT.) She spends a couple of paragraphs fawning over Lauren's appearance, and it's all a bit creepy. Mallory vows to be JUST LIKE LAUREN when she grows up.
So, the kids are all clopping around the ring with their horses, and one girl TOTALLY makes a snide comment about Mallory's outfit, because Mallory is wearing a red plaid shirt and jeans, as opposed to an 'English Riding Habit'. Mallory was told while organising the lessons with Lauren that a riding habit was the reccommended attire for the class, but because Mallory's family is super poor, she had to make do with whatever was in her (and her dad's) wardrobe. Because Mallory is always an outsider in life, she's the only riding student not decked out in a riding habit. This seems a tad unrealistic to me- it's insinuated that all the other kids in the class have a ton of money to spend on these pursuits. How many rich people does Stoneybrook have?
More boring trotting ensues until Mallory spots the titular 'DREAM HORSE', who is a white Arabian. Lauren interrupts Mallory's daydream with more technical horse-riding stuff (she mentions 'rocking your pelvis forward and back', which made me literally giggle, because I am utterly immature)
After the lesson is finished, Mallory gets to do her favourite activity: cleaning and grooming. Whatever. Does she really need to take horse-riding lessons to learn how to comb knots out of a horse's mane? Can't she just practice on her own hair? OH SNAP! She continues to fap over the white horse (who goes by the name of Pax), before it's time for her to head home.
Once she's home, she rings up Jessi and tells her that Lauren Kendall is 'beautiful'. (Total crush.) Mallory continues to gush about her day, until Jessi acts like a little bitch and hangs up on Mallory. OMG, WHY CAN'T SHE JUST BE HAPPY FOR MALLORY FOR A CHANGE? MALLORY'S LIFE SUCKS! So now Mallory's all confused and like 'zomgah, did I piss Jessi off? Whut whut?' Apparently it's not "like Jessi to be rude", but I beg to differ.
CHAPTER SIX:
Another lame baby-sitting chapter. This time, Jessi is babysitting for the Marshalls. I'm not even going to try and decode her notebook entry.
Not much happens, except Nina tells Jessi that she's being teased, but for some unknown reason Jessi decides to wait and talk to the BSCult before broaching the subject with Mrs. Marshall. Jessi, for God's sake, do you really need to talk to the BSC about every. little. thing. you. do? Are you unable to make simple decisions about things without discussing it with a group of irritating thirteen-year-olds?
Later, a few of the Pike kids turn up, because they're holding auditions for their stupid talent show. I really can't believe the Pike parents are letting four children under the age of eight wander around a neighbourhood letting themselves into people's houses to hold talent show auditions... but then again, this *is* bizarro world. Instead of asking Nina to audition, the Pikes simply show off their own talents, which include death-defying stunts like the wheelbarrow (how on earth is that a talent?), sliding down a slide without using hands (... what?) and totally failing at juggling. (Oh, Claire, you ARE a silly-billy-goo-goo!)
I suppose these lame stunts are supposed to be all endearing , but really they just demonstrate how utterly talentless every child in Stoneybrook actually is (except for the Perkins girls.)
CHAPTER SEVEN:
Mallory gets to ride Pax in her next riding lesson. Oh glee. She's super excited, but her happy mood is dampened when a girl called Allison tells her "I thought we were supposed to wear proper riding attire for this class." Allison is described as having frizzy hair and braces, so I don't know why she's being so bitchy- surely her and Mallory are kindred spirits. But still... I have to admire her for actually SPEAKING HER MIND, because nobody ever says anything controversial in Stoneybrookland, they always just skirt around being bitchy and act all passive-aggressive.
Mallory totally doesn't stand up for herself though. Boring. Instead, she watches the other kids in the ring, all of whom are wearing proper riding attire, and feels uneasy- until Pax nudges her with his nose, and Mallory thinks this is his way of saying "You're as good as they are, get in there and let them know that." (Well, sry to say Mallory, but you'll soon learn that you suck at riding, as well as everything else.)
During the lesson, Mallory holds one-sided conversations with two other kids- Kyle and Megan- then eagerly gets their phone numbers, suggesting that they "catch up later in the week." She's trying way too hard at this, and neither of the kids pay any attention to her. We all know how this is going to turn out.
While talking to Megan, Mallory observes that she "must know more about horse discipline than I did", because Megan keeps calling her horse stupid and dumb. Whatever, Mallory.
After the class, Mallory thinks she's made some new friends, even though none of them really spoke to her during the class. She then gets chatting to this guy named David, and it's pretty amusing. It speaks for itself:
"Your name's David, isn't it?" I said as I ran the brush across Pax's broad back. When the boy nodded yes, I continued, "Well, I don't know if I told you last week, but my name's Mallory Pike. I go to Stoneybrook Middle School."
"Oh?"
I took that to mean he was still interested in talking. So for the next five minutes I rattled on nonstop. I told him about my family, my best friend, and the Baby-Sitters Club.
"Jessi and I have seen practically every horse movie ever made," I said, carefully pulling a few tangles out of Pax's mane. "My friends say I'm horse-crazy. Which is why I wanted to take this class." It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't let him squeeze a word into the conversation.
That's enough to put *anyone* off being her friend.
Once she gets home, Mallory rings Jessi, and gets the cold shoulder again. God, Jessi is totally a high maintenance friend. After hanging up, Mallory has an internal bitch about her ex-best friend, thinking about her new friends from riding camp. She decides to ring one of them, then realises she doesn't have any of their phone numbers. Oh yeah, and none of them bother to ring her at all during the week. Gee, I wonder why?
CHAPTER EIGHT:
So, it's a week later, and Mallory's at horse-riding class again. Kyle and David totally ignore her, then Mallory gets assigned a difficult horse called Gremlin, and then she falls off the horse. I love this bit: I lay on the ground in a daze, vaguely aware of the pounding horses and their riders struggling to avoid stepping on me. I love how absolutely NOBODY bothers to even ask if she's alright- they just walk around her like she's a rock or something.
Lauren rings Mrs. Pike, who actually comes to pick her daughter up. They head to the hospital- the emergency room, no less. Way to use up national resources on something pointless! Although, you DO have eight children, so I suppose using up national resources is a pastime of yours...
When they get to the hospital, Mallory's doctor turns up in his golfing outfit, which sounds like something Claudia would wear- bright yellow pants, an electric-blue shirt, and a visor. It turns out there is absolutely nothing wrong with Mallory. Did they really need to go to the emergency room to find that out?
Mallory returns to her horse riding lessons the next week, but is too scared to get on a horse, and hates everything. And Jessi still isn't speaking to her, nor are any of the kids in riding class. Oh, woe. HOWEVER, MALLORY IS GOING TO GET UP! SHE'S GOING TO GET BACK ON THAT HORSE AND PERSEVERE! That's our Mallory! She never, ever, EVER gives up!
CHAPTER NINE:
Another babysitting chapter... Claudia and Stacey are babysitting for the Pikes. Within the brief notebook entry at the beginning of the chapter, Claudia successfully misspells 'Looney Tons' (Looney Tunes), 'intire nayborhood preform' (entire neighbourhood perform) and 'laff' (laugh... and Stacey even spells it correctly for her in the previous sentence. Oh, Claudia. Are you sure you don't have a learning disability?)
So, the two girls have to watch the kids prepare for the big talent show, which has been christened 'Stars of Tomorrow'. It's the dress rehersal, so a whole bunch of kids show up in the yard and get ready to perform their talent. Hilarious hijinks ensue, rather predictably, as most of the kids fail miserably at their talents. There's a stupid moment where Vanessa asks all the kids in the yard to "lend her [their] ears" and one little girl in a tutu says "... we're supposed to give her our ears?"
The talents include tuba-playing (which is done by Sean Addison, who has been pushed into yet another after-school activity by his parents), showing off Pow (the Barretts, obviously), and baton-twirling (Hayley). While all this is going on, Mary Anne shows up with Nina and her blanket. Carrot the dog instantly begins to chew on Blankie, and Nina freaks out.
The chapter ends with the girls having a confidential chat about how evil Blankie is, and how a piece of material is stopping Nina from fully experiencing life, and acting waaay older than they actually should.
CHAPTER TEN:
Another monotonous horseriding lesson. Mallory learns, much to her horror, that they'll be participating in a riding show. Then a girl called Amber invites everyone to her birthday party. Mallory is super excited about this, thinking that it's her big chance to get in with the other kids. She goes home and tries to figure out what to wear. At first, she considers wearing a 'tie-dyed tights and a bright purple oversized t-shirt knotted at the bottom, with a big red belt' but ultimately goes with 'a gold-and-brown kilt, a gold cotton sweater, and penny loafers.' ... Mallory is such a try-hard.
Mallory heads to Amber's house for the party and once she gets there, she realises her outfit is all wrong. All the kids are wearing 'wacky bright clothes with spiked hair and tons of fun jewellery.' Meh. She spends two hours being a wallflower because nobody will talk to her, and because she looks like a fifty-something at some church function. She heads home early, then rings Jessi because she needs to hear somebody friendly for a change. Jessi totally brushes her off. God, I hate Jessi.
That night, Mallory dreams of strange people in riding boots eating mouthfuls of cake, and angry horses chasing her around swimming pools filled with punch. Mallory has a scary, scary mind.
CHAPTER ELEVEN:
The whole horseriding thing is nearly done. THANK GOD. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Sure, perhaps a nine or ten-year old who is going through a 'horse' phase would enjoy this book, but I've found it to be one of the more painful reading experiences I've had in a long time.
NOTHING of note happens in this chapter. I'm serious. Absolutely nothing interesting- it's just six pages of horse wank and emo Mallory goodness. Mallory fawns over Pax again (but she doesn't get to ride him this time), the students practice more riding techniques, and then they get to pick which horse they ride in the riding show. Of course, Mallory picks Pax because she has a major hard-on for him.
CHAPTER TWELVE:
Dawn babysits for Nina Marshall and DISASTER STRIKES. Mrs. Marshall has put Blankie in the dryer, and when Dawn goes to get the blanket out, she rips it to pieces. Way to go, stupid! Nina chucks a psycho and screams 'YOU KILLED MY BLANKET' before practically diving into the dryer to save the remnants of her precious blanket. Nina burns her hand, and continues to sob and scream. When Dawn goes to comfort Nina, Nina punches her in the shoulder and continues wailing.
Finally, after a moment, Dawn has a brainwave! She picks up a few pieces of the dismembered Blankie and says to Nina 'LOOK, NOW YOU CAN TAKE BLANKIE WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO' and Nina cheers up. This bit is actually kind of sweet, because Dawn gives Nina a hug and sticks a bit of Blankie in Nina's pocket and says 'He'll always be with you' and the sap in me goes 'AWWWWWWW.'
CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
Well, after that sweet moment, we return to our regularly scheduled Mallory Bitch Session. The girls are all at a BSC meeting and everyone thinks Dawn is a total genius because she thought of a use for Blankie's pieces. These girls are so easily impressed.
Oh, and there's a whole bunch of self-congratulatory bullshit as all the girls remember the various problems they've solved for children in Stoneybrook. Mallory even reminisces about Jessi learning sign language, to which Jessi signs 'Thanks for remembering that'... and Mallory understands her. Double WTF.
Claudia asks Mallory about the talent show (which is definitely an afterthought in this book... seriously, do we really need an A, B AND C plot? It's a tad superfluous.), then Stacey asks Mallory about the horse show. Mallory bursts into tears and the whole club has to comfort her. Apparently, it's always been Mallory's dream to live on a ranch with tons of horses and be a writer, and now she's confused 'cause she doesn't like horses anymore. Does this whole ranch thing ever show up in canon again?
After the meeting, Jessi and Mallory become BFFs again, and it turns out that Jessi was just super jealous because Mallory got to fulfill one of her predefined character traits and take riding lessons. They totes forgive each other, and Mallory promises to introduce Jessi to Pax, because Mallory "really wants [Jessi] to meet him." Is it just me or does Mallory seem like a bit of a Furry in this book?
CHAPTER FOURTEEN:
Finally, the big day arrives - the horse show is here! Lauren even shows up at Mallory's house to give her a REAL English Riding Habit! Apparently, an adult's riding habit can fit an eleven-year-old. Why don't these books ever seem to have a basis in reality? srsly?!
Mallory's nervous, so she gives Jessi a ring, and Jessi tells her to do some plies, because she knows "everything about warming up." Oh, and her voice "rings with authority", which really reminded me of a Sweet Valley High book, because that's exactly the kind of cliched bullshit that would appear in an SVH book.
The Pikes all head off to Kendallwood Farm, and Mallory dithers around the stables for two hours (though she calls it being "ding-y"... dingy?!) before it's time to go into the ring. For the first few minutes the students just walk around on their horses, until the judges pick six students to remain in the ring and do another walk. Surprisingly, Mallory is one of these six. Mallory doesn't fall off the horse and ultimately places sixth out of the six who remained in the ring, and sixth out of twelve. This proves that she is not, in fact, very good at horseriding.
After the competition is finished, Mallory meets up with her parents and friends in the stable. Her parents think she's really talented and offer to pay for her do to another horseriding course and Mallory is all like 'HALE NO.' She heads off to say her ~final goodbye~ to Pax, in a scene that brings Mallory to tears. Jessi finishes the chapter by acting like an extremely old woman and saying "You're so lucky to have known him, even if it was for a short time." I gag. END HORSERIDING CHAPTERS.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN:
OMFGYAY, It's time for the talent show! And, as per usual, about fifty million people- including adults- have turned up to witness another half-assed amateur event! Of course, it all goes to hell, because people forget their cues, Sean loses his tuba (how on earth do you lose a tuba?), Pow chases a cat, et cetra, et cetra. Of course, everyone thinks this is hilarious, and the talent show is a success.