Mary Anne + 2 Many Passive-Aggressive Attemps at Gaining Control... Chapters 5-8.
Previously on The Young and The Clueless... Chapters 1-4.
Chapter 5.
Mary Anne angsts over the tone of her postcard to Logan. She doesn't want him to think she's miserable without him, but she doesn't want to sound like Sea City beats the pants off Stoneybrook either (even though I think it totally does, because Gurber Garden >>>> Burger Bite and we all know it). Then she puts the card at the bottom of her underwear drawer for reasons that aren't really explained (which is fine with me).
Mary Anne goes downstairs to have breakfast with the Pikes, and oh my stars, it's an ordeal the likes of which we've never seen!
Mr. Pike was flipping pancakes in what looked like the world’s largest frying pan, while Mal was busily making gallons of orange juice. Vanessa buttered a mountain of raisin-bread toast while I microwaved the bacon. Stacey put the triplets to work setting the table, watching to make sure that everybody got the right amount of silverware. You’d be surprised how much planning goes into breakfast for twelve people. Luckily, Mrs. Pike is very organized (unlike my stepmother) and had everything pretty much under control.
Yes, I can only imagine the clusterfuck that would come from Sharon trying to cook tofu waffles for 12 people. I'm thinking it'd involve a couple bottles of Trader Joe's wine, a crack pipe, a couple impromptu naps and hedge clippers.
Also, microwaved bacon is gross. And that's not because I'm a militant vegetarian like Dawn; it sticks to the paper towels and is all limp and there's not even any delicious grease left over to season your famous fried rice later.
Time to discuss today's plans. Mallory doesn't want to go to the beach because it's overcast and she wants to get a tan. "Maybe I'll find a cute guy to impress," she says, grinning creepily at Mary Anne and Stacey. Can someone point me in the direction of the best place to upchuck my buttered raisin toast?
Anyway, Stacey takes the triplets and Nicky to the beach, and Mary Anne heads out to the main drag with Louie, Pointless Margo, The Ugly One and Vanessa Barrett Browning. After checking in to make sure Gurber Garden and The Candy Kitchen are still standing, they end up at the Ice Cream Palace. Mary Anne notices a guy behind the counter that is ogling either Vanessa or Mallory. She also takes notice that he's about 12. IN WHAT UNIVERSE ARE KIDS ALLOWED TO WORK BEFORE THE AGE OF 16!!?#$ The only place I can think of that hires younger than that in the US is McD's, and even then, you have to be 14 years old and you can only work like a half-hour a day.
Claire has to go and jack everything up when she spills her chocolate soda all over the place. Mallory and Chris, the minor working behind the counter, go for a roll of paper towels at the same time and bump heads, "like a scene out of a Three Stooges movie." Then Mallory goes to poke Chris in the eyes, but he blocks her by putting his hand up against his face, and then she reaches around and bops him on the head with her fist, going "Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck!" Or not.
Claire pitches a fit about wanting another soda. Chris says "Soitantly!" and fixes another. Then he proceeds to add some extra whipped cream to Mal's strawberry sundae, which... yeah, but anyway, the whipped cream machine (???) goes on the fritz and starts shooting whipped cream everywhere and HIJINKS ENSUE. Mary Anne is understandably ready to get the hell out of the Ice Cream Palace, especially when Vanessa starts crying for another unexplained reason. Shut up, Vanessa.
Chapter 6.
As if a two-week long vacation with the Pikes isn't enough babysitting, we get more of it crammed down our throats in Chapter 6, where Kristy takes the Rodowsky boys swimming at the public pool. The only redeeming quality of this chapter is that it's fairly realistic to what would happen if you put a 13-year-old girl in charge of three rambunctious boys at a swimming pool.
So Mrs. Walking Disaster drops them off, and Archie adorably whines that they forgot Hilda, their sea monster float. I've always found Archie to be really cute, even if his name sucks (what kind of sadistic parent would name a red-headed freckle-face Archie?).
They get inside, where there's an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a diving pool (never heard of one of those) and a kiddie pool. Kristy stupidly lets Jackie go to the snack bar and get himself a gigantic chocolate chip cookie, which he promptly drops into the water. The lifeguard gives them some grief about it, because you're not supposed to have food in the pool area, Kristy, and the kids head off in their own directions - Shea to the diving pool, Kristy and Archie to wade and Jackie to fuck something else up... namely his foot, because he steps on a dead bee.
After that, the kids claim to be hungry for lunch, so Kristy sends Jackie and Archie to the snack bar to get food. Brilliant. Jackie returns with the requested cheeseburgers and fries, but has also added the contents of Claudia's ERT SUPLYZ box to it... Mars Bars, Cheez Doodles, other various Wise-brand snacks. Kristy makes him return everything but the cheeseburgers, which makes sense, but duh, what did you think was going to happen? You sent a kid to get lunch and expected him to be responsible about it?
Jackie tops off the whole stupid affair by going to the showers without telling anyone. Kristy flips out. These girls have the whole "keeping-track-of-the-sitting-charges" thing down to an art, don't they?
There was no description of Kristy's bathing suit. I'm thinking a Speedo.
Chapter 7.
Stacey slipped out of her cover-up and stretched out in a skimpy blue bikini. I had to admit she looked great. Her skin was the color of maple sugar, and her sun-streaked hair tumbled halfway down her back.
Yep, they're at the beach. Mary Anne is trying to contain herself upon watching Stacey strip down to her beach attire. She even notices that Mallory's "was catching up to her freckles." Oh, and I stand corrected - Stacey has plenty of Sun-Lite on hand to further sun-streak her tumbling hair.
Finally, we get to the whole point of the book - Alex and Toby have arrived! Let the Hormone Dance begin! Mary Anne notices that Alex looks great (but somehow, her admiration of him lacks the same passion of her description of Stacey a couple paragraphs back) and wonders how she could have forgotten that smile. Oh, I don't know, maybe because of YOUR CAM GEARY-LOOKALIKE BOYFRIEND WITH THE AMAZING HONEY-SLOW SOUTHERN ACCENT?!!?
Claire comes up and talks shit to one of the little kids Alex is sitting for, just like she did in #8. Claire needs a time-out. Or a Viking funeral.
The teenagers get the kids involved in building a sand castle, just like in #8, and Mary Anne gets a little dig in on Stacey: "Toby was at the top of the list for the moment, but who knew if it would last?" Buuuurn. Then she wonders if Alex is planning on making any moves on her while in Sea City. HELLO. LOGAN. POSTCARD. UNDERWEAR DRAWER. How quickly we forget! Then again, she's actually behaving like a 13-year-old for once, so I can't fault her too much.
Chapter 8.
Oh, Stacey. You are a sneaky little tart. She plans a date with Toby without mentioning it to anyone else, and it only comes to light when Mary Anne notices Stacey ironing a white sundress (we're told that Stacey hates to iron, a peeve that's never mentioned in another book as far as I know). Mary Anne gets all shitty, saying that Stacey should have said something, because as it turns out, she has a date with Alex and one of them has to stay home to watch the Pikes. Stacey doesn't bother to point out that (A) Mary Anne didn't clear it with her, either and (B) SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. She does, however, tell Mary Anne to cancel with Alex and then flounces off to get changed.
Mary Anne is still stewing when she tucks Vanessa into bed later that night. Vanessa shares with her some of the poems she's been writing for Chris, the Whipped Cream Master. "I have this big crush on him," she says. "I think he's adorable, don’t you?" I don't know one pre-teen who would ever be that honest about their crush on someone. Writing poems is believable, but sharing them with your babysitter... no. Not gonna happen. Anyway, suspend your disbelief further, because Vanessa's going to give the poems to Chrissypoo. Mary Anne thinks this is probably not the best idea, but doesn't say anything because... well, she's Mary Anne.
Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, Daggles. Goodnight, Louie. Goodnight, Moozie. More Sea City ridiculousness tomorrow!
Chapter 5.
Mary Anne angsts over the tone of her postcard to Logan. She doesn't want him to think she's miserable without him, but she doesn't want to sound like Sea City beats the pants off Stoneybrook either (even though I think it totally does, because Gurber Garden >>>> Burger Bite and we all know it). Then she puts the card at the bottom of her underwear drawer for reasons that aren't really explained (which is fine with me).
Mary Anne goes downstairs to have breakfast with the Pikes, and oh my stars, it's an ordeal the likes of which we've never seen!
Mr. Pike was flipping pancakes in what looked like the world’s largest frying pan, while Mal was busily making gallons of orange juice. Vanessa buttered a mountain of raisin-bread toast while I microwaved the bacon. Stacey put the triplets to work setting the table, watching to make sure that everybody got the right amount of silverware. You’d be surprised how much planning goes into breakfast for twelve people. Luckily, Mrs. Pike is very organized (unlike my stepmother) and had everything pretty much under control.
Yes, I can only imagine the clusterfuck that would come from Sharon trying to cook tofu waffles for 12 people. I'm thinking it'd involve a couple bottles of Trader Joe's wine, a crack pipe, a couple impromptu naps and hedge clippers.
Also, microwaved bacon is gross. And that's not because I'm a militant vegetarian like Dawn; it sticks to the paper towels and is all limp and there's not even any delicious grease left over to season your famous fried rice later.
Time to discuss today's plans. Mallory doesn't want to go to the beach because it's overcast and she wants to get a tan. "Maybe I'll find a cute guy to impress," she says, grinning creepily at Mary Anne and Stacey. Can someone point me in the direction of the best place to upchuck my buttered raisin toast?
Anyway, Stacey takes the triplets and Nicky to the beach, and Mary Anne heads out to the main drag with Louie, Pointless Margo, The Ugly One and Vanessa Barrett Browning. After checking in to make sure Gurber Garden and The Candy Kitchen are still standing, they end up at the Ice Cream Palace. Mary Anne notices a guy behind the counter that is ogling either Vanessa or Mallory. She also takes notice that he's about 12. IN WHAT UNIVERSE ARE KIDS ALLOWED TO WORK BEFORE THE AGE OF 16!!?#$ The only place I can think of that hires younger than that in the US is McD's, and even then, you have to be 14 years old and you can only work like a half-hour a day.
Claire has to go and jack everything up when she spills her chocolate soda all over the place. Mallory and Chris, the minor working behind the counter, go for a roll of paper towels at the same time and bump heads, "like a scene out of a Three Stooges movie." Then Mallory goes to poke Chris in the eyes, but he blocks her by putting his hand up against his face, and then she reaches around and bops him on the head with her fist, going "Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck!" Or not.
Claire pitches a fit about wanting another soda. Chris says "Soitantly!" and fixes another. Then he proceeds to add some extra whipped cream to Mal's strawberry sundae, which... yeah, but anyway, the whipped cream machine (???) goes on the fritz and starts shooting whipped cream everywhere and HIJINKS ENSUE. Mary Anne is understandably ready to get the hell out of the Ice Cream Palace, especially when Vanessa starts crying for another unexplained reason. Shut up, Vanessa.
Chapter 6.
As if a two-week long vacation with the Pikes isn't enough babysitting, we get more of it crammed down our throats in Chapter 6, where Kristy takes the Rodowsky boys swimming at the public pool. The only redeeming quality of this chapter is that it's fairly realistic to what would happen if you put a 13-year-old girl in charge of three rambunctious boys at a swimming pool.
So Mrs. Walking Disaster drops them off, and Archie adorably whines that they forgot Hilda, their sea monster float. I've always found Archie to be really cute, even if his name sucks (what kind of sadistic parent would name a red-headed freckle-face Archie?).
They get inside, where there's an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a diving pool (never heard of one of those) and a kiddie pool. Kristy stupidly lets Jackie go to the snack bar and get himself a gigantic chocolate chip cookie, which he promptly drops into the water. The lifeguard gives them some grief about it, because you're not supposed to have food in the pool area, Kristy, and the kids head off in their own directions - Shea to the diving pool, Kristy and Archie to wade and Jackie to fuck something else up... namely his foot, because he steps on a dead bee.
After that, the kids claim to be hungry for lunch, so Kristy sends Jackie and Archie to the snack bar to get food. Brilliant. Jackie returns with the requested cheeseburgers and fries, but has also added the contents of Claudia's ERT SUPLYZ box to it... Mars Bars, Cheez Doodles, other various Wise-brand snacks. Kristy makes him return everything but the cheeseburgers, which makes sense, but duh, what did you think was going to happen? You sent a kid to get lunch and expected him to be responsible about it?
Jackie tops off the whole stupid affair by going to the showers without telling anyone. Kristy flips out. These girls have the whole "keeping-track-of-the-sitting-charges" thing down to an art, don't they?
There was no description of Kristy's bathing suit. I'm thinking a Speedo.
Chapter 7.
Stacey slipped out of her cover-up and stretched out in a skimpy blue bikini. I had to admit she looked great. Her skin was the color of maple sugar, and her sun-streaked hair tumbled halfway down her back.
Yep, they're at the beach. Mary Anne is trying to contain herself upon watching Stacey strip down to her beach attire. She even notices that Mallory's "was catching up to her freckles." Oh, and I stand corrected - Stacey has plenty of Sun-Lite on hand to further sun-streak her tumbling hair.
Finally, we get to the whole point of the book - Alex and Toby have arrived! Let the Hormone Dance begin! Mary Anne notices that Alex looks great (but somehow, her admiration of him lacks the same passion of her description of Stacey a couple paragraphs back) and wonders how she could have forgotten that smile. Oh, I don't know, maybe because of YOUR CAM GEARY-LOOKALIKE BOYFRIEND WITH THE AMAZING HONEY-SLOW SOUTHERN ACCENT?!!?
Claire comes up and talks shit to one of the little kids Alex is sitting for, just like she did in #8. Claire needs a time-out. Or a Viking funeral.
The teenagers get the kids involved in building a sand castle, just like in #8, and Mary Anne gets a little dig in on Stacey: "Toby was at the top of the list for the moment, but who knew if it would last?" Buuuurn. Then she wonders if Alex is planning on making any moves on her while in Sea City. HELLO. LOGAN. POSTCARD. UNDERWEAR DRAWER. How quickly we forget! Then again, she's actually behaving like a 13-year-old for once, so I can't fault her too much.
Chapter 8.
Oh, Stacey. You are a sneaky little tart. She plans a date with Toby without mentioning it to anyone else, and it only comes to light when Mary Anne notices Stacey ironing a white sundress (we're told that Stacey hates to iron, a peeve that's never mentioned in another book as far as I know). Mary Anne gets all shitty, saying that Stacey should have said something, because as it turns out, she has a date with Alex and one of them has to stay home to watch the Pikes. Stacey doesn't bother to point out that (A) Mary Anne didn't clear it with her, either and (B) SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. She does, however, tell Mary Anne to cancel with Alex and then flounces off to get changed.
Mary Anne is still stewing when she tucks Vanessa into bed later that night. Vanessa shares with her some of the poems she's been writing for Chris, the Whipped Cream Master. "I have this big crush on him," she says. "I think he's adorable, don’t you?" I don't know one pre-teen who would ever be that honest about their crush on someone. Writing poems is believable, but sharing them with your babysitter... no. Not gonna happen. Anyway, suspend your disbelief further, because Vanessa's going to give the poems to Chrissypoo. Mary Anne thinks this is probably not the best idea, but doesn't say anything because... well, she's Mary Anne.
Goodnight, John-Boy. Goodnight, Daggles. Goodnight, Louie. Goodnight, Moozie. More Sea City ridiculousness tomorrow!