The Devil Wears Laura Ashley, aka #94: Stacey McGill, Super Sitter, Chapters 1-3
OK, I'll admit that I actually sympathised with Stacey in this book. When I got my first real part time job I was all about the money. If my current bosses were to come up to me and ask me to do the kind of hours I did in university (and I lived with my parents when I was in university so it was almost all fun money) they would get a blank look and "me no speak Japanese". I actually volunteered to train as a kids' party hostess at my local McShits, not because I was actually interested in the job (though I did end up enjoying it and later on abusing my position as head hostess to hog all the parties to myself so I didn't have to work on counter) but because my friend was one and had shifts coming out the wazoo and I couldn't gank the ones she didn't want because I wasn't a hostess. And while I tended to steer clear of things that looked like they would be damaging to my sanity (such as training as a manager), if the alternative was no money to blow on crap I wanted, I probably would have done it. So yeah, I kinda get where Stacey's coming from here.
No, this book attracted my snarky wrath purely for the absolute LUDICROUSNESS and downright CREEPINESS of the B-plot. This plot epitomises everything everyone on this comm has ever said about these bitches being way, way, WAY too close to these kids. I seriously cringed when I read the ending of that plot. I worry about *checks ghostie credit* Suzanne Weyn, and I sincerely hope that her day job does not involve kids.
On to the cover!
It's a new style cover! Mal looks freakish, and if she ever ages, will probably burn that picture later. Stacey's face looks vaguely masculine, Mary Anne is for some reason sporting the long hair that she had chopped off 34 books ago, Claudia is screaming, not doubt to show her wacky personality, the shadowing on K. Ron's face makes it look disfigured, while Abby and Jessi actually look quite cute, though Jessi's not all that black. You'd think given that her skin colour is one of her two defining characteristics, they'd play it up more on the cover. Or maybe she convinced her parents to stop treating her like a baby and let her have that Michael Jackson-style bleach job.
Main picture!Stacey looks nothing like edge!Stacey, and looks 30-something, natch. She looks proud of herself in a way that vaguely resembles that chick in Mean Girls after she's just spelled "xylocarp" correctly. Adam, who is clutching his junk in a disturbing way, looks like he belongs on the cover of a book that preaches old-fashioned family values. So does Dana, come to that. Good fuck, that's a severe-looking haircut. Straight line at the end of her hair, yo. She probably (SPOILER!) fakes low blood sugar if a single hair gets out of place. Also, mum jeans alert! I don't know whose bulge is more disturbing - Adam, who's touching himself as it is, or Dana, who's a girl. Stacey has had the foresight to cover that area with an apron.
Story time! The book opens with Stacey saying "Hurry! Run!" to her boyfriend Robert, which reminds me unpleasantly of the latest chapter in my students' English textbook. Nauseatingly happy and perky - big red tick. People using English that is technically correct but that people of that age never, ever use - big red tick.
It is apparently winter in the 'Brook at the moment, and it turns out that the Sunshine English Duo weren't hurrying to some thrilling event put on by the kidlings in their neighbourhood, but trying to warm up.
They go into Stacey's house, where nobody is home because Stacey's mum has to, like, work to put food on the table, and in another example of a Sunshine English chapter, Robert - a THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY in HIS GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE - is creeped out because "When I get home there's always someone around". And he is not counting this as a good thing why? Stacey, instead of demonstrating the advantages of being alone in her house with no parents around, reassures him that Mama McGill will be home at six.
Stacey's dad calls and we discover that she and Robert have to stay in the kitchen when he's over. Since she knows exactly when her mum gets home, she is totally on her honour here, and I would bet anything that she just, like, sets her alarm so that they know when to stop making out (and come to that, they can't mack in the kitchen?) but of course Suzanne Weyn is not about to set a bad example for the children reading her literary masterpiece.
Stacey discovers that Robert isn't a city person, and since being from New York City is her sole defining characteristic besides her diabetes, she decides that she is basically up shit creek. Oh! I lie! K. Ron Hubbard calls her at home, not for a spot of gossip, but to ask "Can we afford more glue?" (sometimes these snarks just write themselves) and we are introduced to Defining Characteristic #3: she is a brilliant mathematician who knows her two times tables. K. Ron Hubbard has apparently "broken the romantic mood" (what romantic mood? Stacey was trying desperately to get Robert to approve of one of the only facets of her personality. It's not like they were sucking face like normal teenagers whose parents aren't home) and they do their homework until Mama McGill comes home. Stacey says "Mom, can you believe Robert has never been to a Broadway play?" Um, because he is thirteen? I hadn't been to see any plays at thirteen either. Mama McGill points out that a lot of people have never been to Broadway, and Stacey decides to save up enough money for two tickets for his birthday next month. And there's our motive for what's about to follow.
Stacey's bubbling over with determination to get rich on the way to the next Cult meeting, and kindly offers to "back up a bit so you have some clue what I'm talking about." In case we didn't get the picture in the previous 93 books, 12 Super Specials, 23 mysteries, etc.
Stacey mentions her brief period of rebellion in Chapter 2, and cites the reason she left the cool group as "I discovered that my new friends might be cool, but they weren't real friends." Because the Cult, who were massive shit slices to her when she dared to have a life outside babysitting, are the Best Friends You'll Ever Have, dontcha know.
There is a "comedic" scene in which Stacey attempts to jump onto her usual spot on Claudia's bed and almost falls over mid-jump because she's just realised there's a bunch of crap there. And Claud's bed isn't USUALLY covered in crap? My ass.
Outfit! "Her creativity overflows to her unique fashion sense. (Suzanne Weyn likes her metaphors. Previously Stacey said that "Sugar can send my body into orbit.") For instance, today she wore a long-sleeved tie-dyed shirt that she'd dyed herself. Under it she had on black leggings onto which she'd sewn patches of the tie-dyed material. Her silky, long black hair was tied back with a matching tie-dyed scrunchie." Speak up, I can't hear you over the tie-dye. And I'm sure I remember hearing about a similar outfit before. Could Claud have - gasp! - REPEATED AN OUTFIT?!
I think I've just discovered why Stacey and Robert never snog - Stacey describes Claudia as "Japanese-American with the greatest hair, smoothest skin, prettiest dark almond eyes, and a knockout smile." This is far more description than we've seen of Robert thus far. Come to think of it, it was also Stacey who said she was "speechless" when she first clapped eyes on Dawn - I guess she transferred her affections to Claudia after she found out about Dawn and Kristy's romp in the hay.
Claudia still bears the scars of Dawn's whipping, because she tells K. Ron that she has used wax paper bags for the Cult's latest project (Valentine-making kits for the kidlings) because "they're more biodegradable". For Claudia to know the word "biodegradable", that must have been some whipping.
MA announces that while the Cult were freezing in Connecticut, Dawn went to the beach. Cause California is WARM, yo! ALL YEAR ROUND! My friend in California was pissed off at having beach weather come early this February and having her winter cut short, but she also doesn't have blonde hair, live on mung beans and spend her time campaigning for various issues in the most attention-whorish way possible, so obviously she is not a real Californian.
Hee. Jessi's hairstyle "leaves nothing to the imagination". I didn't know that hair could be revealing, but whatevs. Also, ballerinas and former ballerinas on here: Do you wear your hair in a tight bun all the time because you are dancers? I call "that thing that sounds like tape deck - you know, stereo something..."
In the requisite "Jessi is black" paragraph, Stacey refers to whites as "European Americans" because "That's a phrase I heard someone use on the radio today". The talk on the radio station I listened to when I was thirteen pretty much consisted of interviews with the teenybop band du jour plus "Pump It Or Dump It" (yes, that was the actual name) where people voted on which of two songs they liked best, but I forget that these girls never watch, listen to or read age- or era-appropriate media.
OOH! OOH! LOOK AT THAT!!!! ABBY WAS LATE TO A CULT MEETING!!!! BY THREE MINUTES!!!! And when K. Ron. Hubbard tried to smite her with her eyeballs, Abby SMART-ASSED HER!!!! I love you, Abby.
Abby apparently has a "dry sense of humour". Apparently lame-ass puns = dry wit. Edit: After writing this snark, I found out that "dry" is New Zealand slang for lame jokes. So that sentence is actually spot-on!
And with the requisite introductions out the way, it's time for the Plot Device herself to enter stage right. Mrs Cheplin, who has just moved in (which explains why she prefers to leave her kids with someone older and is aware that "minimum wage" does not mean paying someone the minimum you can get away with) wants someone to look after her kidlings from when they get out of school til five-thirty (wuh-oh, K. Ron won't like that) every day. Nobody can do it, except, of course, for our cash-strapped heroine. MA suggests splitting it up between them, but Stacey wants all that cash for herself so she can make Robert like the defining characteristic she was assigned by ANM. She "foreshadows" (read: hits us over the head with a Kid-Kit full of bricks) by saying "At least, I thought it was great at the time."
Chapter Three! Stacey rocks up at Chez Cheplin and Mrs Cheplin doesn't know who she is at first because she was expecting someone older. Hee. Stacey says that she is very, very mature, fo reals, but Mrs Cheplin says "I really do need somebody more mature, Ahn-dre-ah."
The kidlings go to the Miller School, yet ANOTHER private school!!! WHAT?! And apparently the bus driver won't let them off unless somebody is there to meet them at the bus stop. Oh-kay.
In order not to get passed over for this sweet source of income (and OK, I can understand that) Stacey talks about the draconian conditions K. Ron Hubbard imposes on all her babysitters and Mrs Cheplin starts to warm to the idea. She asks if Stacey would be willing to do a bit of housework too, and it takes all of Stacey's willpower not to "make a disgusted face". Oh no! These people don't have little people to clean their house for them! She might get their poor on her!
But what clinches the deal is that Dana has a condition that needs to be regulated. I'm sure you can guess what it is. Mrs Cheplin is even more "diabetes = two weeks left to live" than Mama McGill, because she is shocked that Stacey rode her bike up the hill to Chez Cheplin. MORE FORESHADOWING!!!
Mama Cheplin thinks it'll be good for Dana to meet another diabetic, and Stacey is shocked when out-of-towner Mama Cheplin cites a payrate that is higher than the $1.50 per hour that most of the Cult's clients pay.
A thought: Is "Burnt Hill Road" the ultimate foreshadowing about what eventually happens to Mary Anne's house?
K. Ron Hubbard is not happy about Stacey taking the job, because she "won't be free to take baby-sitting jobs". Stacey says what I would say, which is "Um...this is a baby-sitting job?" K. Ron argues that she won't be free for other jobs because she'll be all taken up by these filthy out-of-towners with their funny ideas. MA, ever the dutiful, passive-aggressive secretary, points out that she'll miss Cult meetings (I'm surprised K. Ron didn't think of that initially.) Stacey says she forgot about that and K. Ron's head asplodes. Stacey offers to come over as soon as she's done, but there's no reasoning with K. Ron Hubbard when she's pissy about things that aren't going her way. Though to be honest, Stacey was wicked slow there. K. Ron says "Why bother? You won't be free to take any jobs anyway!" which would have been my cue to go "OK, so I don't need to go to meetings? Sweet!" But as that would basically make Stacey an independent babysitter, rather than a Cult member, and because that would mean none of them would hang out with her anymore because cults are like that, she just grovels that she can take weekend jobs, despite the fact that she thinks that she probably won't want to do more babysitting on top of this job. As Stacey heads home to ask her mother about the job (Mrs Cheplin, to further demonstrate her realworldese-ness, has insisted that Stacey talk to her mother before signing on for the job) and K. Ron yells after her, "I hope your mother says no!!!!"
Coming up next: Kids get WAY too involved in their babysitters' love lives, Dana has the art of the sickie down pat, and there is some surprising consistency at the bowling alley.
No, this book attracted my snarky wrath purely for the absolute LUDICROUSNESS and downright CREEPINESS of the B-plot. This plot epitomises everything everyone on this comm has ever said about these bitches being way, way, WAY too close to these kids. I seriously cringed when I read the ending of that plot. I worry about *checks ghostie credit* Suzanne Weyn, and I sincerely hope that her day job does not involve kids.
On to the cover!
It's a new style cover! Mal looks freakish, and if she ever ages, will probably burn that picture later. Stacey's face looks vaguely masculine, Mary Anne is for some reason sporting the long hair that she had chopped off 34 books ago, Claudia is screaming, not doubt to show her wacky personality, the shadowing on K. Ron's face makes it look disfigured, while Abby and Jessi actually look quite cute, though Jessi's not all that black. You'd think given that her skin colour is one of her two defining characteristics, they'd play it up more on the cover. Or maybe she convinced her parents to stop treating her like a baby and let her have that Michael Jackson-style bleach job.
Main picture!Stacey looks nothing like edge!Stacey, and looks 30-something, natch. She looks proud of herself in a way that vaguely resembles that chick in Mean Girls after she's just spelled "xylocarp" correctly. Adam, who is clutching his junk in a disturbing way, looks like he belongs on the cover of a book that preaches old-fashioned family values. So does Dana, come to that. Good fuck, that's a severe-looking haircut. Straight line at the end of her hair, yo. She probably (SPOILER!) fakes low blood sugar if a single hair gets out of place. Also, mum jeans alert! I don't know whose bulge is more disturbing - Adam, who's touching himself as it is, or Dana, who's a girl. Stacey has had the foresight to cover that area with an apron.
Story time! The book opens with Stacey saying "Hurry! Run!" to her boyfriend Robert, which reminds me unpleasantly of the latest chapter in my students' English textbook. Nauseatingly happy and perky - big red tick. People using English that is technically correct but that people of that age never, ever use - big red tick.
It is apparently winter in the 'Brook at the moment, and it turns out that the Sunshine English Duo weren't hurrying to some thrilling event put on by the kidlings in their neighbourhood, but trying to warm up.
They go into Stacey's house, where nobody is home because Stacey's mum has to, like, work to put food on the table, and in another example of a Sunshine English chapter, Robert - a THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY in HIS GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE - is creeped out because "When I get home there's always someone around". And he is not counting this as a good thing why? Stacey, instead of demonstrating the advantages of being alone in her house with no parents around, reassures him that Mama McGill will be home at six.
Stacey's dad calls and we discover that she and Robert have to stay in the kitchen when he's over. Since she knows exactly when her mum gets home, she is totally on her honour here, and I would bet anything that she just, like, sets her alarm so that they know when to stop making out (and come to that, they can't mack in the kitchen?) but of course Suzanne Weyn is not about to set a bad example for the children reading her literary masterpiece.
Stacey discovers that Robert isn't a city person, and since being from New York City is her sole defining characteristic besides her diabetes, she decides that she is basically up shit creek. Oh! I lie! K. Ron Hubbard calls her at home, not for a spot of gossip, but to ask "Can we afford more glue?" (sometimes these snarks just write themselves) and we are introduced to Defining Characteristic #3: she is a brilliant mathematician who knows her two times tables. K. Ron Hubbard has apparently "broken the romantic mood" (what romantic mood? Stacey was trying desperately to get Robert to approve of one of the only facets of her personality. It's not like they were sucking face like normal teenagers whose parents aren't home) and they do their homework until Mama McGill comes home. Stacey says "Mom, can you believe Robert has never been to a Broadway play?" Um, because he is thirteen? I hadn't been to see any plays at thirteen either. Mama McGill points out that a lot of people have never been to Broadway, and Stacey decides to save up enough money for two tickets for his birthday next month. And there's our motive for what's about to follow.
Stacey's bubbling over with determination to get rich on the way to the next Cult meeting, and kindly offers to "back up a bit so you have some clue what I'm talking about." In case we didn't get the picture in the previous 93 books, 12 Super Specials, 23 mysteries, etc.
Stacey mentions her brief period of rebellion in Chapter 2, and cites the reason she left the cool group as "I discovered that my new friends might be cool, but they weren't real friends." Because the Cult, who were massive shit slices to her when she dared to have a life outside babysitting, are the Best Friends You'll Ever Have, dontcha know.
There is a "comedic" scene in which Stacey attempts to jump onto her usual spot on Claudia's bed and almost falls over mid-jump because she's just realised there's a bunch of crap there. And Claud's bed isn't USUALLY covered in crap? My ass.
Outfit! "Her creativity overflows to her unique fashion sense. (Suzanne Weyn likes her metaphors. Previously Stacey said that "Sugar can send my body into orbit.") For instance, today she wore a long-sleeved tie-dyed shirt that she'd dyed herself. Under it she had on black leggings onto which she'd sewn patches of the tie-dyed material. Her silky, long black hair was tied back with a matching tie-dyed scrunchie." Speak up, I can't hear you over the tie-dye. And I'm sure I remember hearing about a similar outfit before. Could Claud have - gasp! - REPEATED AN OUTFIT?!
I think I've just discovered why Stacey and Robert never snog - Stacey describes Claudia as "Japanese-American with the greatest hair, smoothest skin, prettiest dark almond eyes, and a knockout smile." This is far more description than we've seen of Robert thus far. Come to think of it, it was also Stacey who said she was "speechless" when she first clapped eyes on Dawn - I guess she transferred her affections to Claudia after she found out about Dawn and Kristy's romp in the hay.
Claudia still bears the scars of Dawn's whipping, because she tells K. Ron that she has used wax paper bags for the Cult's latest project (Valentine-making kits for the kidlings) because "they're more biodegradable". For Claudia to know the word "biodegradable", that must have been some whipping.
MA announces that while the Cult were freezing in Connecticut, Dawn went to the beach. Cause California is WARM, yo! ALL YEAR ROUND! My friend in California was pissed off at having beach weather come early this February and having her winter cut short, but she also doesn't have blonde hair, live on mung beans and spend her time campaigning for various issues in the most attention-whorish way possible, so obviously she is not a real Californian.
Hee. Jessi's hairstyle "leaves nothing to the imagination". I didn't know that hair could be revealing, but whatevs. Also, ballerinas and former ballerinas on here: Do you wear your hair in a tight bun all the time because you are dancers? I call "that thing that sounds like tape deck - you know, stereo something..."
In the requisite "Jessi is black" paragraph, Stacey refers to whites as "European Americans" because "That's a phrase I heard someone use on the radio today". The talk on the radio station I listened to when I was thirteen pretty much consisted of interviews with the teenybop band du jour plus "Pump It Or Dump It" (yes, that was the actual name) where people voted on which of two songs they liked best, but I forget that these girls never watch, listen to or read age- or era-appropriate media.
OOH! OOH! LOOK AT THAT!!!! ABBY WAS LATE TO A CULT MEETING!!!! BY THREE MINUTES!!!! And when K. Ron. Hubbard tried to smite her with her eyeballs, Abby SMART-ASSED HER!!!! I love you, Abby.
Abby apparently has a "dry sense of humour". Apparently lame-ass puns = dry wit. Edit: After writing this snark, I found out that "dry" is New Zealand slang for lame jokes. So that sentence is actually spot-on!
And with the requisite introductions out the way, it's time for the Plot Device herself to enter stage right. Mrs Cheplin, who has just moved in (which explains why she prefers to leave her kids with someone older and is aware that "minimum wage" does not mean paying someone the minimum you can get away with) wants someone to look after her kidlings from when they get out of school til five-thirty (wuh-oh, K. Ron won't like that) every day. Nobody can do it, except, of course, for our cash-strapped heroine. MA suggests splitting it up between them, but Stacey wants all that cash for herself so she can make Robert like the defining characteristic she was assigned by ANM. She "foreshadows" (read: hits us over the head with a Kid-Kit full of bricks) by saying "At least, I thought it was great at the time."
Chapter Three! Stacey rocks up at Chez Cheplin and Mrs Cheplin doesn't know who she is at first because she was expecting someone older. Hee. Stacey says that she is very, very mature, fo reals, but Mrs Cheplin says "I really do need somebody more mature, Ahn-dre-ah."
The kidlings go to the Miller School, yet ANOTHER private school!!! WHAT?! And apparently the bus driver won't let them off unless somebody is there to meet them at the bus stop. Oh-kay.
In order not to get passed over for this sweet source of income (and OK, I can understand that) Stacey talks about the draconian conditions K. Ron Hubbard imposes on all her babysitters and Mrs Cheplin starts to warm to the idea. She asks if Stacey would be willing to do a bit of housework too, and it takes all of Stacey's willpower not to "make a disgusted face". Oh no! These people don't have little people to clean their house for them! She might get their poor on her!
But what clinches the deal is that Dana has a condition that needs to be regulated. I'm sure you can guess what it is. Mrs Cheplin is even more "diabetes = two weeks left to live" than Mama McGill, because she is shocked that Stacey rode her bike up the hill to Chez Cheplin. MORE FORESHADOWING!!!
Mama Cheplin thinks it'll be good for Dana to meet another diabetic, and Stacey is shocked when out-of-towner Mama Cheplin cites a payrate that is higher than the $1.50 per hour that most of the Cult's clients pay.
A thought: Is "Burnt Hill Road" the ultimate foreshadowing about what eventually happens to Mary Anne's house?
K. Ron Hubbard is not happy about Stacey taking the job, because she "won't be free to take baby-sitting jobs". Stacey says what I would say, which is "Um...this is a baby-sitting job?" K. Ron argues that she won't be free for other jobs because she'll be all taken up by these filthy out-of-towners with their funny ideas. MA, ever the dutiful, passive-aggressive secretary, points out that she'll miss Cult meetings (I'm surprised K. Ron didn't think of that initially.) Stacey says she forgot about that and K. Ron's head asplodes. Stacey offers to come over as soon as she's done, but there's no reasoning with K. Ron Hubbard when she's pissy about things that aren't going her way. Though to be honest, Stacey was wicked slow there. K. Ron says "Why bother? You won't be free to take any jobs anyway!" which would have been my cue to go "OK, so I don't need to go to meetings? Sweet!" But as that would basically make Stacey an independent babysitter, rather than a Cult member, and because that would mean none of them would hang out with her anymore because cults are like that, she just grovels that she can take weekend jobs, despite the fact that she thinks that she probably won't want to do more babysitting on top of this job. As Stacey heads home to ask her mother about the job (Mrs Cheplin, to further demonstrate her realworldese-ness, has insisted that Stacey talk to her mother before signing on for the job) and K. Ron yells after her, "I hope your mother says no!!!!"
Coming up next: Kids get WAY too involved in their babysitters' love lives, Dana has the art of the sickie down pat, and there is some surprising consistency at the bowling alley.