#8 Boy-Crazy Stacey - (Chapters 1-3)
Ok, I know I have Dawn and the Big Sleepover to finish, but like always, I misplaced it. And when my laptop broke a couple of months ago, I started up a new snark. Yes, this one was handwritten while I was computer-less. Boredom does things to you. With summer in full swing in my neck of the woods, I decided to do a summer book that's also one of my personal favorites. And despite it being an early, and popular Ann-written book, it's still full of lolz and *headdesk* moments.
First the cover, brought to us by the letter G and dibbly-fresh.com:
Scott the Dreamboat Lifeguard is NOT 18. No way in HELL. I didn't even see a ton of boys like that at college, except if they were on a sports team or something. He looks at least 26. Stacey, for once, doesn't look 16 and actually looks like a middle schooler, though I don't know if that big red windbreaker is NYC ~sophisticated~. Claire seems a little tall for a five-year-old, but perspective wasn't always Hodges' strong suit, was it? She at least looks like how I've always pictured her.
The Pike Family Beach House in the background looks like it could rival Watson the Millionaire's MANSION in terms of size. How were the Pikes able to afford it again?
This book is also Example #1 as proof to my BSC Vacation Theory: Stacey always turns into a huge bitch when she's on vacation. You'll see why.
Chapter 1:
We open with Stacey asking her mom how she's supposed to behave in a MANSION. She's concerned, as she remembers how they helped Kristy give Louie a makeover so he would fit in with the wealthy dogs (which apparently happened in #7...I need to re-read that, as I don't remember it). Stacey's mom tells her that Kristy is nuts sometimes gets carried away, but she'll always be a dictatorial bitch with a Napoleon complex the same. She then reminds Stacey to be careful about what she eats. Stacey gives her an *eyeroll*, as this is when her parents were still in paranoia mode regarding her diabeetus. Do diabetics really have to stay that strict? My manager's Type I, I walked in on him giving himself insulin once (ew, ick!), and he still eats donuts and cookies from us in the cafe, but I digress.
Being that this is an early book, Stacey starts in with the Chapter 2 crap now. I love how the first few books were in real time and the events are all perfectly sequential. Elizabeth and Watson the Millionaire are newlyweds, the BSC held a play group last month, and they're now going on vacation (separately!) before starting 8th grade for the first of 910 times. Whatever went wrong along the way?
Stacey runs to her bedroom and tries to decide what to wear. She's looking for casual, yet sophisticated, to look impressive in case any rich neighbors dropped by. I'm guessing sultry is thrown into the equation as well, so she can show off in front of Sam. However, I wouldn't call the outfit she decides on "sophisticated," even though she says the bought the pink shirt in NYC. Big, bright green and yellow birds were splashed all over it. It was gigantic, so it would be cool. I put it on with a pair of baggy shorts, looped a wide green belt around my middle, and hunted up some jewelry - silver bangle bracelets and a pair of silver earrings shaped like bells that actually ring when they dangle back and forth. *Checks date of publication* 1987. Mind you, I was barely a year old when this book was written, but even going on what I know about 80s fashion, I am not getting a sophisticated vibe from Stacey's ensemble. More like "I'm going to the mall in August!" or "I'm staying at the Polynesian Resort in Disney World and it's luau time!" I picture Stacey (and Laine) dressing like Blair and Serena from Gossip Girl, and I don't think they would be caught dead in what she's wearing here.
Stacey whines a bit about how her parents won't let her get two holes pierced in each ear (they say it'll make her look like a pirate. I'd agree with her, but were multiple earrings the norm in the late 80s?), then a car horn beeps outside. Mr. Kishi is driving Stacey, Mary Anne, and Claudia to Kristy's! Unfortunately, we're spared the details of Claudia's outfit. Stacey runs downstairs to meet them, but her mom stops her to present her with some apple slices. Bringing your own snack to a party? Of course Kristy will have some diabeetus-approved food for her! Whatever, Maureen. Oh ok here's the diabeetus description. She uses the word "kerflooey" to describe what would happen to her blood sugar if she ate a single jelly bean (and not one of those yucky sugar-free kinds).
Stacey's dad is outside gardening, so this is obviously pre-divorce. And do the Stoneybrook dads have any other hobbies besides gardening? Well, there's baby-making. I'm looking at you, Mr. Pike! Stacey's dad waves goodbye and warns her to be careful. Stacey mentally *eyerolls* again, and reassures herself that they aren't as bad as they used to be. And I think he added the "be careful" in there as a reminder in case she gets near Sam, if you know what I mean. Safety first!
They arrive at the MANSION, and everyone is in awe. Because, you know, it's a real, live MANSION! And they're brought back to reality when they see Kristy hanging out front, in shorts and a t-shirt, eating a Popsicle and reading People magazine. It's a crazy concept, but yes, girls: "normal" people do live in MANSIONS. Like Kristy would start acting like royalty because she was now living in a MANSION. Dawn arrives, and the girls head upstairs, with Stacey marveling at how big the MANSION is. She compares it to her apartment in NYC, which was considered big because it had four bedrooms, though Stacey doesn't seem convinced that's big. Um, a four bedroom apartment in NYC? That's fucking HUGE. And if the McGills could afford an apartment that big, I think Watson the Millionaire has some competition...
They get to Kristy's room and Stacey asks Kristy where her brothers are. Clever way of disguising your interest in knowing where Sam is, Stacey! Unfortunately, getting to third base will have to wait, as Kristy says Sam and Charlie are at their neighbor's house, using the pool. More like, Sam's at the neighbor's house; Charlie's having fun with Janine (if you catch my drift). Kristy adds that she and her mom made a ton of sandwiches for dinner, including some plain tuna fish ones for Stacey. What's wrong with the others if Stacey can't have them? Are they chocolate frosting and peanut butter M&M sandwiches? Actually, that sounds like a Claudia creation. I know diabetics are supposed to watch their carb intake, but this doesn't make sense to me.
Stacey says she and Mary Anne are spending the next two weeks together and she's nervous about it. Mind, meet gutter. No, they're going to be joining the Pike Army for two weeks as mother's helpers, and Stacey's nervous because they're oh-so different. We've been over this a zillion times before, so it's no surprise to see Stacey brag about her sophistication and "couple of boyfriends," while calling Mary Anne young (you two are the same age! Geez!) with no interest in boys (this is obviously before Logan). Well, aren't you so worldy and grown-up, Miss McGill! Do you want to join me for cocktails later?
The other girls express their envy at spending two weeks at the beach; I laugh because Stacey says they'll be chasing after the Pike kids and lists them, including everyone's favorite red-headed, glasses-wearing dweeb. Oh, the days when Mallory was still a babysitting charge. No wonder they still kind of look down on her. So are the Pikes paying for Stacey and Mary Anne to come along, therefore giving them a free vacation apart from the babysitting? If so, pretty sweet deal, even if it means having to endure Mallory for two weeks. Like I asked before, how loaded are the Pikes?
And if anyone cares, Dawn and Jeff are going to California to visit their dad (leaving Sharon alone to throw the pot party to end all pot parties), and Claudia's going with her family to a mountain resort in New Hampshire. Elizabeth and Watson the Millionaire, however, want to get some family bonding time in with everyone, so they're staying in Stoneybrook. More like Watson the Millionaire's a cheapass, so they're staying in Stoneybrook. Live it up a bit, you can have family bonding time anywhere! I know, they want the Thomases to get accustomed to the MANSION, but it's just so fun to rip on Watson the Millionaire. Elizabeth brings the sandwiches and some sodas to Kristy's room and the girls scarf down their dinner. Stacey later tries on some of Kristy's clip-on earrings to see how she'd look with extra piercings, and I'm left wondering what the hell Kristy Thomas is doing with clip-on earrings.
Later, Mary Anne gets a Great Idea (don't tell Kri-, oh wait) for everyone to exchange addresses so they can send postcards. Then Kristy tops that idea with one of her own. She asks Stacey and Mary Anne on penalty of death to write her daily postcards as notebook entries so they can keep the BSC notebook up-to-date. Creepy. And what a wonderful way to waste a ton of stamps! Dawn says she might babysit for her old clients while in CA, so she'll send some notebook entries too. Um, WHY?!? Does the BSC honestly give a shit about Stephie, or Clover and Daffodil? Besides Kristy, the Myriah Perkins of Babysitting who knows everything about every child ever.
David Michael calls up to them that everyone's parents have arrived. Then Kristy starts to cry, followed by everyone else. So not only is Kristy crying, she's first one to, even before Mary Anne. WHAT?!? I have a feeling the moon isn't in the seventh house, and Jupiter is not aligning with Mars here. The girls sob into tissues and hug because they're going to be separated for OMG two whole weeks! Geez, the way they're carrying on, you'd think they were going to be apart for two years and heading to opposite ends of the earth. Drama queens.
The girls head home and Stacey's still all emo about being separated from everyone for two whole weeks until she looks at her new bikini, which makes her think of the beach and cute boys and she gets excited. Of course she would.
Chapter 2:
"Brace yourself," Stacey tells Mary Anne before giving her a very hands-on lesson in the art of french kissing. No, it's the next day, and they just rang the doorbell at the Duggar Pike house. They hear feet running towards them, then a crash. Child stampede! Either that, or someone got shoved into the wall by everyone else. I'm guessing Mallory. The door flies open and Stacey and Mary Anne are greeted by most of the Pike Army. We also get some foreshadowing when Stacey says Mallory is really good with kids and helped out at their play group. So later they'll let her join the BSC, then treat her like crap the rest of the series, until she quits this bitch and heads off to boarding school.
Margo and Claire grab Mary Anne and Stacey's hands and lead them inside. We're immediately greeted with this: Tomorrow, tomorrow, we go to Sea City; we'll see the beach and the shells so pretty! Noooo, not Vanessa and her poetry! And it only goes downhill from here, guys. Nicky tattles on Vanessa when she sticks her tongue out at him, and Mrs. Pike finally comes in to restore order. Surprisingly, she doesn't delegate the task to Mallory and handles it herself instead. She shoos the kids outside, and Stacey and Mary Anne follow her into the living room to discuss the trip with her and John "Babymachine" Pike.
Mrs. Pike says they'll mostly just be helping them out with the kids. But, since this is the BSC, Mr. and Mrs. Pike would like some time to themselves (uh oh...), so Stacey and Mary Anne will be left in charge of the Pike Army sometimes. Um, isn't this going to be a family vacation, meaning spending time together as a family? My parents never went off on their own during a family trip. Then again, there was only three kids and we didn't have a beach house.
Stacey ponders to herself about how funny the term "mother's helper" is; since she'll be helping out Mr. Pike just as much, she believes a more proper term would be "parents' helpers." Oh yes, what would a BSC book be without a weak commentary on PC-ness? Though I'll give Stacey this - as the book goes on, you'll see that Stacey and Mary Anne do a hell of a lot more child-rearing on vacation than Mr. and Mrs. Pike do. Mother's/parents' helper, my ass.
Anyway, Mrs. Pike talks about the Jersey Shore, and mentions the one rule they have for the family. Yes, the free-spirit Pikes who let Claire run around the house au naturale and let their kids eat fried bologna and peanut butter out of the jar with their hands have a RULE. The BSC will have to change their Chapter 2 descriptions now! The rule is If mom and dad's bed is rocking, don't come a-knocking! no going in the water AT ALL if the lifeguards aren't on duty. In case you're worried the Pikes are straying from their "no rules unless your name is Mallory" roots, Mrs. Pike quickly apologizes for sounding harsh.
After telling a lame joke about there being so many restaurants in Sea City "you can smell it before you can see it," they discuss more details, including Stacey's diabeetus. Apparently the McGills wouldn't let her go until they spoke with some doctors in Sea City. Wow, overbearing much? Well, responsible yet overbearing would be more like it, I guess. Do they seriously think Stacey's going to die if she's away from them? Even if she doesn't come into contact with a single M&M? And I'm surprised to see for once Richard isn't the crazy overprotective parent. Want to see how much he's loosened up? He's letting Mary Anne get her first bikini, "as long as the bottom part's decent." Getting a contact high from dating Sharon really has its benefits! And I dread to think what Mary Anne would have to wear to the beach if Richard was still hella strict:
After the Pike Briefing (ew, that sounds wrong), the girls go home and start packing. Stacey lists all the stuff she's packing. She's soooooo sophisticated, she's bringing TWO bikinis, one from last year! So you can suck it, Mary Anne! She also doesn't list underwear with all the things going in her suitcase. Is she planning on pulling a Britney while out on the boardwalk? Don't worry, I'm not evil enough to post a picture of that! Stacey then sneaks over to her dresser (why? There's no one else in the room) to remove something top secret. Well, I guess if she's planning on meeting some cute boys in Sea City and is going to heed her dad and be careful...no, this is a G-rated book (this snark on the other hand)! Stacey pulls out a bottle of Sun-Lite to make her hair lighter.
Mrs. McGill comes into Stacey's room right as she hides the bottle. Phew! She asks Stacey if she's bringing anything to keep he occupied. I guess in case she has a few spare moments in between hearing Vanessa recite her stupid poetry and Mallory angst about, well, everything. Stacey packs a needlepoint swan and an Agatha Christie book. Apparently, Stacey moonlights as an old lady. She's really mature! The only time I came into contact with Agatha Christie at Stacey's age was some books were listed as choices on the school summer reading list. Maybe Stacey's trying to knock one out early before waiting till the last minute?
A very nervous Mrs. McGill gives Stacey some postcard stamps (she's going to be needing a ton of those, thanks to Kristy), then asks about toothpaste, obviously beating around the bush about the diabeetus. Stacey reassures her she has her travel kit, plus the doctors' phone numbers and the Pikes will be watching out for her (what's another kid on top of the eight they already have?). She says her mom can call whenever she wants, but not too much, because it would call her one personality trait sophistication into question. She's afraid the kids would think she's a baby. I think the kids already have their hands full with Mallory as their punching bag.
The chapter ends with Mrs. McGill saying she's going to worry everyday and hugs Stacey as she bursts into tears. Geez, you need to take one of these, Maureen!
Stacey gets the last lines: It's awfully hard helping your parents grow up. But it has to be done. I think at least three other BSC members have said the same thing.
Chapter 3:
Much like all other vacation books, each chapter from this point on starts with a postcard, usually one of the notebook ones Kristy is having everyone write because she's crazy. Can't they just take notes, then do one big wrap-up notebook entry when they get home? Logic, Kristy has none of it. Anyway, Stacey bypasses the BSC habit of writing a postcard before she's even reached her destination. No, Stacey wrote this one after they arrived in Sea City. She tells Kristy she and Mary Anne picked out wild postcards at a drugstore. Of course, we don't to see the wildness of said postcards. I'm guessing it's one of those lame tries-to-be-dirty/corny ones, like one I saw here of bikini-clad women on a beach and it says "The Best of Part of Long Island's Beaches!" Yeah, real funny.
Stacey's contribution to the notebook: The Pikes get carsick, and Claire's still in her silly stage, which isn't really news, since they knew that already. Since she's stating the obvious, she could have added on "Mallory's a dork" to complete it.
Stacey snarks that when Mary Anne said goodbye to her dad, it was like Niagara Falls for both of them, and she's hardly seen a man cry before. There's a dirty joke in there somewhere. Don't worry Mary Anne - your dad has Sharon and her epic pot party to keep him company! When the waterworks stop, Mr. McGill drives the girls over to the Pikes. Stacey's whole family is sooooooooo sophisticated, Ed doesn't cry like a baby when he leaves. He just hugs Stacey and waves to Mr. Pike. At the Pikes', Stacey says she discovered the meaning of the word "madhouse." Which, for the Pikes, is your usual Tuesday. Or, in this case, Saturday.
Mr. Pike is loading the cars up and tying things on top, while Mrs. Pike and Mallory keep bringing out more boxes and stuff. Of course Mallory's the one doing the bitch work (or Charlie Work, for my fellow IASIP fans). Everyone hates Mallory. So while Mallory's being used for manual labor, Margo greets Stacey and Mary Anne, and Claire runs around like she just downed a bag of Pixi Stix and calls everyone silly-billy-goo-goos. How are we ever going to survive between Vanessa's poetry and Claire with her silliness turned up to 11? Stay strong, snarkers.
Mr. Pike finally crams everything in or on top of the two station wagons, and everyone's in the cars and ready to go. Stacey's riding with Mr. Pike, Nicky, Margo, Claire, and Mallory. Whew, Claire and Vanessa aren't in the same car. Stacey has a moment of panic when she sees the Pike Family Barf Bucket among the coloring books and crayons the little girls have with them. Apparently, Stacey can't stand seeing anyone throw up (as opposed to enjoying it?). Sucks for her that she's sharing a car with the Barf Queen! And it sounds like it ends up being sweet poetic justice when she has to clean up Jamie's puke later on in the series. Nicky tells everyone to drink some grape soda, so they can have purple puke, Claire and Margo laugh hysterically, and Stacey's completely grossed out now. I guess she doesn't want to see vomit spray out in a Technicolor dream. Anyone get the reference?
After Mr. Pike reassures Stacey that they rarely use the bucket, they head off. Nicky and Claire say goodbye to the house and Mallory says "Goodbye, Stoneybook. Sea City, here we come!" So, she came up with the title for the BSC's 10th Super Special, and Ann gave her no credit for it? Geez, Ann really does hate Mallory! As they drive to Sea City, the Pike kids do every annoying "kids in the car" thing you could think of. Claire asks "Are we there yet?" every two minutes, Nicky sings a few different versions of "Jingle bells, Batman smells," and the worst part of all, Mallory's in the car. I'm actually surprised the Pikes didn't mistake her for a piece of luggage and tie her to the roof.
A half hour later, the little girls are coloring, Mallory's reading The Secret Garden, and Nicky's playing with a horrible-looking green monster he took out of his pocket. He should probably get that checked out...oh wait, it's an action figure. And Stacey's probably fantasizing about her bikinis. But then, trouble! They all look up when Mrs. Pike's car passes them, only to see Jordan holding up a sign that says BARFMOBILE while pointing at them. Nicky is highly offended, but I don't see why. Margo's in the car, so technically they are a Barfmobile. Nicky decides to get back at them by making a sign that reads VOMIT COMET. Even for a little kid insult, that's pretty stupid. Almost as stupid as "Cruddy Carrot."
Well, the sign does its job, and the triplets are insulted. But I guess all the talk about barf and vomit awakened something in Lady Pukes-a-Lot, because she grabs for the barf bucket. Mallory offers to switch seats with her, and Mr. Pikes tells them to do it quickly, instead of finding somewhere to pull over. How they manage to do this, I don't know. One or both of them must be a contortionist or something. Nicky's apparently excited over this, because last time, Margo threw up while climbing over the seats. Dammit, Nicky - there's only room for one weirdo in the Pike family, and Mallory already laid claim to it!
They switch seats, since Ann hates Mallory, she kicks her dad in the shoulder (how did she manage that by climbing?), and Margo doesn't puke. Phew. They finally get to Howard Johnson's (the hotel, not this Howard Johnson), and indulge in some ice cream. Well, except Stacey, because the sight of an ice cream sundae will make her faint. She ends up with one of those all-natural, fruit-only popsicles (or ice lollies, for the UKers). Now I want one.
FINALLY, when they're back on the road, Mallory spots a sign for Sea City, but she has to ruin it by whooping. *sigh* Ok, we get it, Ann. You don't like Mallory. Nicky points out the big purple cow sign, and Mallory points out Crabs for Grabs by pointing at Stacey. I think everyone who's snarked a Sea City book has made that same joke, and it never gets old. Out of nowhere, Claire makes a joke about Claudia Mr. Stupid tiptoeing past the medicine cabinet so he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. And with that, we've reached Sea City. Now the REAL drama can begin!
Coming up - Byron eats his feelings, Mary Anne has her first sexual fantasy, and Stacey falls in LUV and embarrasses herself.
First the cover, brought to us by the letter G and dibbly-fresh.com:
Scott the Dreamboat Lifeguard is NOT 18. No way in HELL. I didn't even see a ton of boys like that at college, except if they were on a sports team or something. He looks at least 26. Stacey, for once, doesn't look 16 and actually looks like a middle schooler, though I don't know if that big red windbreaker is NYC ~sophisticated~. Claire seems a little tall for a five-year-old, but perspective wasn't always Hodges' strong suit, was it? She at least looks like how I've always pictured her.
The Pike Family Beach House in the background looks like it could rival Watson the Millionaire's MANSION in terms of size. How were the Pikes able to afford it again?
This book is also Example #1 as proof to my BSC Vacation Theory: Stacey always turns into a huge bitch when she's on vacation. You'll see why.
Chapter 1:
We open with Stacey asking her mom how she's supposed to behave in a MANSION. She's concerned, as she remembers how they helped Kristy give Louie a makeover so he would fit in with the wealthy dogs (which apparently happened in #7...I need to re-read that, as I don't remember it). Stacey's mom tells her that Kristy is nuts sometimes gets carried away, but she'll always be a dictatorial bitch with a Napoleon complex the same. She then reminds Stacey to be careful about what she eats. Stacey gives her an *eyeroll*, as this is when her parents were still in paranoia mode regarding her diabeetus. Do diabetics really have to stay that strict? My manager's Type I, I walked in on him giving himself insulin once (ew, ick!), and he still eats donuts and cookies from us in the cafe, but I digress.
Being that this is an early book, Stacey starts in with the Chapter 2 crap now. I love how the first few books were in real time and the events are all perfectly sequential. Elizabeth and Watson the Millionaire are newlyweds, the BSC held a play group last month, and they're now going on vacation (separately!) before starting 8th grade for the first of 910 times. Whatever went wrong along the way?
Stacey runs to her bedroom and tries to decide what to wear. She's looking for casual, yet sophisticated, to look impressive in case any rich neighbors dropped by. I'm guessing sultry is thrown into the equation as well, so she can show off in front of Sam. However, I wouldn't call the outfit she decides on "sophisticated," even though she says the bought the pink shirt in NYC. Big, bright green and yellow birds were splashed all over it. It was gigantic, so it would be cool. I put it on with a pair of baggy shorts, looped a wide green belt around my middle, and hunted up some jewelry - silver bangle bracelets and a pair of silver earrings shaped like bells that actually ring when they dangle back and forth. *Checks date of publication* 1987. Mind you, I was barely a year old when this book was written, but even going on what I know about 80s fashion, I am not getting a sophisticated vibe from Stacey's ensemble. More like "I'm going to the mall in August!" or "I'm staying at the Polynesian Resort in Disney World and it's luau time!" I picture Stacey (and Laine) dressing like Blair and Serena from Gossip Girl, and I don't think they would be caught dead in what she's wearing here.
Stacey whines a bit about how her parents won't let her get two holes pierced in each ear (they say it'll make her look like a pirate. I'd agree with her, but were multiple earrings the norm in the late 80s?), then a car horn beeps outside. Mr. Kishi is driving Stacey, Mary Anne, and Claudia to Kristy's! Unfortunately, we're spared the details of Claudia's outfit. Stacey runs downstairs to meet them, but her mom stops her to present her with some apple slices. Bringing your own snack to a party? Of course Kristy will have some diabeetus-approved food for her! Whatever, Maureen. Oh ok here's the diabeetus description. She uses the word "kerflooey" to describe what would happen to her blood sugar if she ate a single jelly bean (and not one of those yucky sugar-free kinds).
Stacey's dad is outside gardening, so this is obviously pre-divorce. And do the Stoneybrook dads have any other hobbies besides gardening? Well, there's baby-making. I'm looking at you, Mr. Pike! Stacey's dad waves goodbye and warns her to be careful. Stacey mentally *eyerolls* again, and reassures herself that they aren't as bad as they used to be. And I think he added the "be careful" in there as a reminder in case she gets near Sam, if you know what I mean. Safety first!
They arrive at the MANSION, and everyone is in awe. Because, you know, it's a real, live MANSION! And they're brought back to reality when they see Kristy hanging out front, in shorts and a t-shirt, eating a Popsicle and reading People magazine. It's a crazy concept, but yes, girls: "normal" people do live in MANSIONS. Like Kristy would start acting like royalty because she was now living in a MANSION. Dawn arrives, and the girls head upstairs, with Stacey marveling at how big the MANSION is. She compares it to her apartment in NYC, which was considered big because it had four bedrooms, though Stacey doesn't seem convinced that's big. Um, a four bedroom apartment in NYC? That's fucking HUGE. And if the McGills could afford an apartment that big, I think Watson the Millionaire has some competition...
They get to Kristy's room and Stacey asks Kristy where her brothers are. Clever way of disguising your interest in knowing where Sam is, Stacey! Unfortunately, getting to third base will have to wait, as Kristy says Sam and Charlie are at their neighbor's house, using the pool. More like, Sam's at the neighbor's house; Charlie's having fun with Janine (if you catch my drift). Kristy adds that she and her mom made a ton of sandwiches for dinner, including some plain tuna fish ones for Stacey. What's wrong with the others if Stacey can't have them? Are they chocolate frosting and peanut butter M&M sandwiches? Actually, that sounds like a Claudia creation. I know diabetics are supposed to watch their carb intake, but this doesn't make sense to me.
Stacey says she and Mary Anne are spending the next two weeks together and she's nervous about it. Mind, meet gutter. No, they're going to be joining the Pike Army for two weeks as mother's helpers, and Stacey's nervous because they're oh-so different. We've been over this a zillion times before, so it's no surprise to see Stacey brag about her sophistication and "couple of boyfriends," while calling Mary Anne young (you two are the same age! Geez!) with no interest in boys (this is obviously before Logan). Well, aren't you so worldy and grown-up, Miss McGill! Do you want to join me for cocktails later?
The other girls express their envy at spending two weeks at the beach; I laugh because Stacey says they'll be chasing after the Pike kids and lists them, including everyone's favorite red-headed, glasses-wearing dweeb. Oh, the days when Mallory was still a babysitting charge. No wonder they still kind of look down on her. So are the Pikes paying for Stacey and Mary Anne to come along, therefore giving them a free vacation apart from the babysitting? If so, pretty sweet deal, even if it means having to endure Mallory for two weeks. Like I asked before, how loaded are the Pikes?
And if anyone cares, Dawn and Jeff are going to California to visit their dad (leaving Sharon alone to throw the pot party to end all pot parties), and Claudia's going with her family to a mountain resort in New Hampshire. Elizabeth and Watson the Millionaire, however, want to get some family bonding time in with everyone, so they're staying in Stoneybrook. More like Watson the Millionaire's a cheapass, so they're staying in Stoneybrook. Live it up a bit, you can have family bonding time anywhere! I know, they want the Thomases to get accustomed to the MANSION, but it's just so fun to rip on Watson the Millionaire. Elizabeth brings the sandwiches and some sodas to Kristy's room and the girls scarf down their dinner. Stacey later tries on some of Kristy's clip-on earrings to see how she'd look with extra piercings, and I'm left wondering what the hell Kristy Thomas is doing with clip-on earrings.
Later, Mary Anne gets a Great Idea (don't tell Kri-, oh wait) for everyone to exchange addresses so they can send postcards. Then Kristy tops that idea with one of her own. She asks Stacey and Mary Anne on penalty of death to write her daily postcards as notebook entries so they can keep the BSC notebook up-to-date. Creepy. And what a wonderful way to waste a ton of stamps! Dawn says she might babysit for her old clients while in CA, so she'll send some notebook entries too. Um, WHY?!? Does the BSC honestly give a shit about Stephie, or Clover and Daffodil? Besides Kristy, the Myriah Perkins of Babysitting who knows everything about every child ever.
David Michael calls up to them that everyone's parents have arrived. Then Kristy starts to cry, followed by everyone else. So not only is Kristy crying, she's first one to, even before Mary Anne. WHAT?!? I have a feeling the moon isn't in the seventh house, and Jupiter is not aligning with Mars here. The girls sob into tissues and hug because they're going to be separated for OMG two whole weeks! Geez, the way they're carrying on, you'd think they were going to be apart for two years and heading to opposite ends of the earth. Drama queens.
The girls head home and Stacey's still all emo about being separated from everyone for two whole weeks until she looks at her new bikini, which makes her think of the beach and cute boys and she gets excited. Of course she would.
Chapter 2:
"Brace yourself," Stacey tells Mary Anne before giving her a very hands-on lesson in the art of french kissing. No, it's the next day, and they just rang the doorbell at the Duggar Pike house. They hear feet running towards them, then a crash. Child stampede! Either that, or someone got shoved into the wall by everyone else. I'm guessing Mallory. The door flies open and Stacey and Mary Anne are greeted by most of the Pike Army. We also get some foreshadowing when Stacey says Mallory is really good with kids and helped out at their play group. So later they'll let her join the BSC, then treat her like crap the rest of the series, until she quits this bitch and heads off to boarding school.
Margo and Claire grab Mary Anne and Stacey's hands and lead them inside. We're immediately greeted with this: Tomorrow, tomorrow, we go to Sea City; we'll see the beach and the shells so pretty! Noooo, not Vanessa and her poetry! And it only goes downhill from here, guys. Nicky tattles on Vanessa when she sticks her tongue out at him, and Mrs. Pike finally comes in to restore order. Surprisingly, she doesn't delegate the task to Mallory and handles it herself instead. She shoos the kids outside, and Stacey and Mary Anne follow her into the living room to discuss the trip with her and John "Babymachine" Pike.
Mrs. Pike says they'll mostly just be helping them out with the kids. But, since this is the BSC, Mr. and Mrs. Pike would like some time to themselves (uh oh...), so Stacey and Mary Anne will be left in charge of the Pike Army sometimes. Um, isn't this going to be a family vacation, meaning spending time together as a family? My parents never went off on their own during a family trip. Then again, there was only three kids and we didn't have a beach house.
Stacey ponders to herself about how funny the term "mother's helper" is; since she'll be helping out Mr. Pike just as much, she believes a more proper term would be "parents' helpers." Oh yes, what would a BSC book be without a weak commentary on PC-ness? Though I'll give Stacey this - as the book goes on, you'll see that Stacey and Mary Anne do a hell of a lot more child-rearing on vacation than Mr. and Mrs. Pike do. Mother's/parents' helper, my ass.
Anyway, Mrs. Pike talks about the Jersey Shore, and mentions the one rule they have for the family. Yes, the free-spirit Pikes who let Claire run around the house au naturale and let their kids eat fried bologna and peanut butter out of the jar with their hands have a RULE. The BSC will have to change their Chapter 2 descriptions now! The rule is If mom and dad's bed is rocking, don't come a-knocking! no going in the water AT ALL if the lifeguards aren't on duty. In case you're worried the Pikes are straying from their "no rules unless your name is Mallory" roots, Mrs. Pike quickly apologizes for sounding harsh.
After telling a lame joke about there being so many restaurants in Sea City "you can smell it before you can see it," they discuss more details, including Stacey's diabeetus. Apparently the McGills wouldn't let her go until they spoke with some doctors in Sea City. Wow, overbearing much? Well, responsible yet overbearing would be more like it, I guess. Do they seriously think Stacey's going to die if she's away from them? Even if she doesn't come into contact with a single M&M? And I'm surprised to see for once Richard isn't the crazy overprotective parent. Want to see how much he's loosened up? He's letting Mary Anne get her first bikini, "as long as the bottom part's decent." Getting a contact high from dating Sharon really has its benefits! And I dread to think what Mary Anne would have to wear to the beach if Richard was still hella strict:
After the Pike Briefing (ew, that sounds wrong), the girls go home and start packing. Stacey lists all the stuff she's packing. She's soooooo sophisticated, she's bringing TWO bikinis, one from last year! So you can suck it, Mary Anne! She also doesn't list underwear with all the things going in her suitcase. Is she planning on pulling a Britney while out on the boardwalk? Don't worry, I'm not evil enough to post a picture of that! Stacey then sneaks over to her dresser (why? There's no one else in the room) to remove something top secret. Well, I guess if she's planning on meeting some cute boys in Sea City and is going to heed her dad and be careful...no, this is a G-rated book (this snark on the other hand)! Stacey pulls out a bottle of Sun-Lite to make her hair lighter.
Mrs. McGill comes into Stacey's room right as she hides the bottle. Phew! She asks Stacey if she's bringing anything to keep he occupied. I guess in case she has a few spare moments in between hearing Vanessa recite her stupid poetry and Mallory angst about, well, everything. Stacey packs a needlepoint swan and an Agatha Christie book. Apparently, Stacey moonlights as an old lady. She's really mature! The only time I came into contact with Agatha Christie at Stacey's age was some books were listed as choices on the school summer reading list. Maybe Stacey's trying to knock one out early before waiting till the last minute?
A very nervous Mrs. McGill gives Stacey some postcard stamps (she's going to be needing a ton of those, thanks to Kristy), then asks about toothpaste, obviously beating around the bush about the diabeetus. Stacey reassures her she has her travel kit, plus the doctors' phone numbers and the Pikes will be watching out for her (what's another kid on top of the eight they already have?). She says her mom can call whenever she wants, but not too much, because it would call her one personality trait sophistication into question. She's afraid the kids would think she's a baby. I think the kids already have their hands full with Mallory as their punching bag.
The chapter ends with Mrs. McGill saying she's going to worry everyday and hugs Stacey as she bursts into tears. Geez, you need to take one of these, Maureen!
Stacey gets the last lines: It's awfully hard helping your parents grow up. But it has to be done. I think at least three other BSC members have said the same thing.
Chapter 3:
Much like all other vacation books, each chapter from this point on starts with a postcard, usually one of the notebook ones Kristy is having everyone write because she's crazy. Can't they just take notes, then do one big wrap-up notebook entry when they get home? Logic, Kristy has none of it. Anyway, Stacey bypasses the BSC habit of writing a postcard before she's even reached her destination. No, Stacey wrote this one after they arrived in Sea City. She tells Kristy she and Mary Anne picked out wild postcards at a drugstore. Of course, we don't to see the wildness of said postcards. I'm guessing it's one of those lame tries-to-be-dirty/corny ones, like one I saw here of bikini-clad women on a beach and it says "The Best of Part of Long Island's Beaches!" Yeah, real funny.
Stacey's contribution to the notebook: The Pikes get carsick, and Claire's still in her silly stage, which isn't really news, since they knew that already. Since she's stating the obvious, she could have added on "Mallory's a dork" to complete it.
Stacey snarks that when Mary Anne said goodbye to her dad, it was like Niagara Falls for both of them, and she's hardly seen a man cry before. There's a dirty joke in there somewhere. Don't worry Mary Anne - your dad has Sharon and her epic pot party to keep him company! When the waterworks stop, Mr. McGill drives the girls over to the Pikes. Stacey's whole family is sooooooooo sophisticated, Ed doesn't cry like a baby when he leaves. He just hugs Stacey and waves to Mr. Pike. At the Pikes', Stacey says she discovered the meaning of the word "madhouse." Which, for the Pikes, is your usual Tuesday. Or, in this case, Saturday.
Mr. Pike is loading the cars up and tying things on top, while Mrs. Pike and Mallory keep bringing out more boxes and stuff. Of course Mallory's the one doing the bitch work (or Charlie Work, for my fellow IASIP fans). Everyone hates Mallory. So while Mallory's being used for manual labor, Margo greets Stacey and Mary Anne, and Claire runs around like she just downed a bag of Pixi Stix and calls everyone silly-billy-goo-goos. How are we ever going to survive between Vanessa's poetry and Claire with her silliness turned up to 11? Stay strong, snarkers.
Mr. Pike finally crams everything in or on top of the two station wagons, and everyone's in the cars and ready to go. Stacey's riding with Mr. Pike, Nicky, Margo, Claire, and Mallory. Whew, Claire and Vanessa aren't in the same car. Stacey has a moment of panic when she sees the Pike Family Barf Bucket among the coloring books and crayons the little girls have with them. Apparently, Stacey can't stand seeing anyone throw up (as opposed to enjoying it?). Sucks for her that she's sharing a car with the Barf Queen! And it sounds like it ends up being sweet poetic justice when she has to clean up Jamie's puke later on in the series. Nicky tells everyone to drink some grape soda, so they can have purple puke, Claire and Margo laugh hysterically, and Stacey's completely grossed out now. I guess she doesn't want to see vomit spray out in a Technicolor dream. Anyone get the reference?
After Mr. Pike reassures Stacey that they rarely use the bucket, they head off. Nicky and Claire say goodbye to the house and Mallory says "Goodbye, Stoneybook. Sea City, here we come!" So, she came up with the title for the BSC's 10th Super Special, and Ann gave her no credit for it? Geez, Ann really does hate Mallory! As they drive to Sea City, the Pike kids do every annoying "kids in the car" thing you could think of. Claire asks "Are we there yet?" every two minutes, Nicky sings a few different versions of "Jingle bells, Batman smells," and the worst part of all, Mallory's in the car. I'm actually surprised the Pikes didn't mistake her for a piece of luggage and tie her to the roof.
A half hour later, the little girls are coloring, Mallory's reading The Secret Garden, and Nicky's playing with a horrible-looking green monster he took out of his pocket. He should probably get that checked out...oh wait, it's an action figure. And Stacey's probably fantasizing about her bikinis. But then, trouble! They all look up when Mrs. Pike's car passes them, only to see Jordan holding up a sign that says BARFMOBILE while pointing at them. Nicky is highly offended, but I don't see why. Margo's in the car, so technically they are a Barfmobile. Nicky decides to get back at them by making a sign that reads VOMIT COMET. Even for a little kid insult, that's pretty stupid. Almost as stupid as "Cruddy Carrot."
Well, the sign does its job, and the triplets are insulted. But I guess all the talk about barf and vomit awakened something in Lady Pukes-a-Lot, because she grabs for the barf bucket. Mallory offers to switch seats with her, and Mr. Pikes tells them to do it quickly, instead of finding somewhere to pull over. How they manage to do this, I don't know. One or both of them must be a contortionist or something. Nicky's apparently excited over this, because last time, Margo threw up while climbing over the seats. Dammit, Nicky - there's only room for one weirdo in the Pike family, and Mallory already laid claim to it!
They switch seats, since Ann hates Mallory, she kicks her dad in the shoulder (how did she manage that by climbing?), and Margo doesn't puke. Phew. They finally get to Howard Johnson's (the hotel, not this Howard Johnson), and indulge in some ice cream. Well, except Stacey, because the sight of an ice cream sundae will make her faint. She ends up with one of those all-natural, fruit-only popsicles (or ice lollies, for the UKers). Now I want one.
FINALLY, when they're back on the road, Mallory spots a sign for Sea City, but she has to ruin it by whooping. *sigh* Ok, we get it, Ann. You don't like Mallory. Nicky points out the big purple cow sign, and Mallory points out Crabs for Grabs by pointing at Stacey. I think everyone who's snarked a Sea City book has made that same joke, and it never gets old. Out of nowhere, Claire makes a joke about Claudia Mr. Stupid tiptoeing past the medicine cabinet so he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. And with that, we've reached Sea City. Now the REAL drama can begin!
Coming up - Byron eats his feelings, Mary Anne has her first sexual fantasy, and Stacey falls in LUV and embarrasses herself.