#130 STACEY'S MOVIE part 3, serious. fucking. issues.
hey there!
finally getting around to putting up part three of this ridiculous thing and i feel i should warn you before you read any further: shit is about to get a LOT worse in these next three chapters. this book just keeps going downhill and kristy is a total headcase.
with that said, thanks for all of the awesome comments on part one and two! i really hope you all enjoy part three!
CHAPTER SEVEN
oh sweet, we're diving right into the interviews!
'"thanks for doing this, abby," i said. it was monday during lunch. my film crew and i had decided to interview abby, and she'd agreed.'
hmmm…abby, i don't remember this interview from when i read the book last year, so this could go either way. a couple of the interviews were incredibly memorable, though, and boy oh boy am i ever looking forward to them!
they sit abby in the field on the side of the school, because they plan on filming her against a backdrop of 'mostly blue sky'. erica had made an executive decision, as the director of this shitshow, to film abby this way, because it would be 'pretty striking.'
'"abby, turn your head more toward the school," erica directed.
"why?"
"i just think it will look better that way."
abby smiled at me. "oh, these temperamental directors," she joked.'
yeah, it's like when people tell you to "look natural" and then pose the fuck out of you. sooo natural!
stacey smiles back at abby, as she sits down in the grass facing her with her legs crossed, so the crabs don't escape.
'"and, roll 'em." erica signalled pete to start filming. he put the camera to his eye and began moving around us, which was a little distracting. i did my best to ignore him.'
good luck with that, stace.
she tells us that as the interviewer, she had decided to steal emily's questioning technique, since it had worked so well with pete.
'"so, abby, how has your day been so far?"
"long!" abby said. "extremely long."
"why is that?"
"every morning my mother's alarm goes off at five. five! and it's so loud. i can never go back to sleep, but at that hour i can't think clearly enough to do anything very useful. i try to catch up on school reading, since i'm always behind in that. that's not easy because mom actually starts leaving messages on people's voice mail in the office while she's getting dressed in her bedroom."'
holy shit, poor abby. she needs to invest in some earplugs or something. and hmmm, always behind in her school reading, huh? sounds like the BSC is taking up way too much time if she can't get her school work done. no wonder she's so fucking tired in this book. her mom's alarm wakes her up at the ass crack of dawn (ew, not THAT dawn!), then she has school and school work and her sports and training, and the fucking cult meetings, sitting jobs and whatever bullshit parade/carnival/camp/kiddie party, etc, kristy cooks up that week. that's got to be fucking exhausting.
'she stopped and laughed softly. "still in her nightgown and she's already bugging people for stuff. so, she's blabbing away, then anna starts practicing her violin at about six-thirty. it's not easy to read under those conditions."
i smiled at her sympathetically. "sounds rough."'
i imagine that smile to be more condescending than sympathetic, to be honest.
kind like this:
but with more condescension.
'"i know. poor me. i don't mean to whine. maybe it's because soccer season has started, but it all seems like too much."
i tried to think of a probing question, something that would make interesting film footage. "what's your favourite part of the day?" i asked. (weak, i know.)'
yeah, that was pretty fucking weak as far as "probing" questions go, stace. better luck next time.
'"bedtime!"
that answer kind of cut things dead. i couldn't think of where to go from there. we just sat staring at each other.'
maybe you and the crew should've written up a list of interview questions, numbnuts. i thought that you said that was going to be part of your job as the screenwriter now that you're doing a documentary? oh, wait, i forgot who i'm talking to, it's stacey shirks-responsibilities mcgill! as you were, stacey. as you were.
'"oh, very funny." emily broke the silence. "i don't believe it. bedtime isn't your favourite time."
"i suppose not," abby agreed. "i like soccer. and gym can be fun. BSC meetings are cool. and i like to baby-sit. i don't know. there are so many favourite parts i can't fit them all into one day. i mean, i can and i do. but it's really a lot sometimes."'
sure as fuck is. and also, nice save emily! but try not to step in too often, because stacey LUVS to dump her work on to others. just ask mary anne.
'"it sounds as though you're like your mother," emily observed. "maybe you both like to fill your schedule with more than you can handle."
"no way!" abby cried. "she's exactly who i don't want to be like."
"she's got too much to do and so do you," emily went on. "you're going from morning until night, just like she is."
abby jumped to her feet. "that's not true!" she stopped as a horrified expression swept her face. "wow! what if it is true? i never thought of it like that. you might be right. but i don't want to live my life like that--always rushed and pressed for time."
she began to wander away from the camera. "abby, where are you going?" i called after her.
"sorry, i have to think about this," she said in a distracted way. "i really can't talk anymore." she continued walking toward the school.'
see, now that shit is probing. manipulative, yes, because emily was purposely trying to provoke a reaction with her comments, but it was definitely probing and a hell of a lot deeper than any of stacey's bullshit. move over, stacey, switch jobs with emily and leave the interviewing to the professional, cuz you SUCK.
'"cut!" erica instructed pete.
i turned to my film crew. "i'm sorry. i didn't think she'd just walk away like that."
"are you kidding?" emily said gleefully. "do you know how great that's going to be on film? we captured a person experiencing a profound revelation. it was…real-life drama!"'
that's for damned sure.
cut to later on, after school. stacey and the gang are about to interview jessi. now this was one of the most memorable interviews of the entire book. and the whole thing is pretty fucked up, so...
they sit jessi under a willow tree near the edge of school grounds. this time, thank god, emily will be conducting the interview, since she and stacey decided to take turns. gee, stacey, i wonder why?
emily starts off with their old standby, asking jessi how her day was.
'"good, i guess," [jessi] answered. she seemed a little nervous and glanced at me. i nodded encouragingly. "i just had regular classes. i don't have ballet class this afternoon, so i have a little time to kill between now and our BSC meeting. do you want to hear about the BSC?"'
NOOO!! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE FUCKING BABY-SHITTING CULT, JESSICA!
'"maybe later," emily said. "right now, i'd like to know what you do with the in-between time."'
thank you, emily!! you're a girl after my own heart.
jessi says, "well, often i take ballet classes, which i love. dance is very important to me. i also read. horse books are my favourite." jesus christ, jessi, don't tell me you plan to spend the interview chapter two-ing your god damn life.
'"what else do you do in your spare time?" emily asked.
jessi said. "not much. i used to go to mallory's house. she's my best friend, even though now she's going to boarding school."
"so, you've recently lost your best friend?" emily asked.
"not that recently. a few months ago. i have other friends, but not many who are my own age."'
make that NONE who are you own age, kristy made damned sure of that. the second rule of the BSC is: no friends are allowed unless they are recruited into the cult. non-cult members are potential trouble sources/suppressive persons and so are not to be associated with.
'"or your own african-american background." emily added.
i cringed when she said that. it seemed almost rude.'
only because you don't want to hear how jessi actually feels about that, stacey. because 'the cult is totally colour blind, you guys!! we don't see colour! we see people! OH! and hey, did you know that JESSI IS BLACK? teehee!' fucking morons.
'"that's not exactly true," jessi answered. "i have african-american friends--and some latina ones too--in new york city. i met them when i was involved in a dance program called dance new york. i'm still in touch with them. two of my friends came up for a sleepover not long ago. they get along great with my other friends from stoneybrook."
"how was the experience?" emily asked.
"fun," jessi replied.
"no problems?"
"i don't know. maybe i sometimes feel as if my stoneybrook friends will be bored if i go on and on about dance. i think even mallory was bored when i talked about it too much. but with my dance friends, i can talk forever about the difficulty of performing certain steps and jumps and also the fun of it. it was a little weird being part of two such different groups."'
be prepared, because stacey's mind is about to get BLOWN.
'"is it also easier to be around other kids from similar backgrounds?" emily asked. i wished she'd stop with that line of questioning.'
if jessi doesn't mind, stacey, then you should back the fuck off. because this isn't about you and what makes you comfortable. now, if jessi said she didn't want to answer these questions, that would be different, but it seems like YOU are the only one with a fucking problem here.
'"not really," jessi answered. "before stoneybrook, i came from a pretty integrated town in new jersey. i'm used to being around white kids."
white kids--that sounded so strange coming from jessi. it never occurred to me that she might think of us as white kids.'
let us repeat that above line, but with lots of fucking emphasis added: 'it never occurred to me that she [WHO WE ALWAYS REFER TO AS BLACK] might think of us as white kids.'
WHY THE FUCK NOT? as i pointed out, ever since she was introduced in 'hello, mallory' you bitches have made a fucking point of making jessi's race into HUGE DEAL to the readers in EVERY SINGLE BOOK, and then usually tacking on a little note about the racism she apparently had to deal with since she moved to town and how awful it was, but how you guys are all so enlightened and anti-racism and colour blind, yadda yadda. yet it never occurred to you that jessi might think of you guys who ARE white* as white.
*minus claudia, though her race has been almost completely whitewashed. to the point where even jessi seems to have included her in that "white kids" comment.
what. the. actual. fuck? HOW IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT FROM HOW ALL OF YOU SEE HER? oh, yeah, she never makes a big ass deal about how white her friends are, and what a saint she is for being friends with white girls.
see? this is why this interview was so memorable for me, because it's totally fucking rage inducing. i'm getting a headache. thanks stacey.
'"but does it put a strain on you, being a minority here in stoneybrook?"
"emily," i cut in. "do you think this is really--"'
SHUT UP STACEY. you're only trying to stop this line of questioning because you don't want to know how jessi really feels, and her answers are making you uncomfortable. i'm going to tape your fucking mouth shut if you don't stop talking. as much as jessi annoys the ever living fuck out of me because of how overblown her ego is most of the time, i want to hear this. because we never hear about jessi's opinions and feelings when it comes to this stuff. all we ever really see is jessi accusing other people (mallory, pinky, etc) of racism, being completely wrong about it, and ending up looking like she's just the hysterical girl who cried racism and so isn't to be taken seriously when it comes to racism or race related issues at all.
'"it's okay." jessi cut me off. she turned back to emily. "you know, no one has ever asked me before. but it's true. it can be a strain."'
"no one has ever asked me before." see, and this is why this line of questioning is important, STACEY. you all just assumed that since you were all happy-go-lucky and fine about it, jessi had to be as well. this is what i mean when i say that these girls lack empathy. they've never once put themselves in jessi's shoes and thought, "hmm, it might actually be hard for jessi, being one of the only african americans in our whole town. if it were me, i think i'd feel pretty isolated/anxious/strained/etc…"
not even once.
'my jaw fell open. i hadn't realized that.
"i feel it more now that mallory is gone. before, i was never alone, but without mallory i am. i'm suddenly more aware that i stand out and i'm different."
"how does that affect you?" emily asked.
"i feel that i always have to be on my best behaviour. i can never look messy, or act clumsy, or goof off on my schoolwork. i feel almost as if i'm representing my race in a white world, and sometimes i resent that pressure."
boy, was i shocked to hear that.'
i actually have a bit of a lump in my throat reading that. it's sad. and it's sad that mallory leaving has affected her so much, too. not being allowed to have non-cult friends has kind of fucked jessi over, because now she doesn't even have anyone in her own grade. what a shitty situation.
'"and you feel more relaxed with your dance new york friends?" emily inquired.
i breathed in deeply, waiting for her to say no.
"yes. i suppose i have more in common with them and i don't feel i aways have to be perfect."
"jessi," i cried softly.'
stop fucking feeling bad for yourself, stacey. stop trying to shut jessi up. this isn't about you!
it took until the second to last book of the regular series for jessi to get a chance to say all of this. and she leaves the club at the very beginning of the friends forever series.
'it was almost as though she'd forgotten i was there. once i spoke, she looked slightly panicked. "but my friends here are great," she added. "really, they're the best."'
she's only going back to repeating the party line because she's scared this is going to get back to kristy. at best, she'd be kicked out of the club for what they'd see as shit talking the members, then she'd have no friends in stoneybrook at all. and as i said, that's a best case scenario, knowing these bitches. that is fucked up.
'"but you don't really feel relaxed with them?" emily prompted.
"they're older than me," jessi replied. "that makes a difference. and i suppose being the only african-american in the group does make me feel different sometimes."
i became aware that pete was now filming me, instead of jessi. he must have felt that the amazed, distressed expression on my face was as much a part of this interview as jessi's words.'
and that is where jessi's interview scene ends.
but because this chapter isn't hellishly long enough, we cut to the next interview!
'"what's wrong? i'm not good enough for your film?"
that was how cokie mason greeted us on tuesday morning. emily, erica, and i were standing at my locker discussing who to interview next.'
YES! COKIE!
i can't remember if this interview is good or not, though.
stacey tells us that cokie was the last person they would've thought of interviewing, stating: 'even though she runs with a crowd of kids some might consider popular, none of us particularly likes her or her friends.' because you are all elitist snobs whether you care to admit it or not. even if cokie had never made a play for logan, you bitches still would've hated her--and her friends, by association--just because she isn't obsessed with huffing shitty baby diapers and wiping snotty noses all day long.
'but here was the opportunity we'd been waiting for--the chance to interview someone we disliked. the three of us exchanged glances.
"we'll interview you, cokie," emily spoke up.'
i'm so glad emily is calling most of the shots here.
'judging from cokie's expression, this shocked her. she'd probably been expecting an argument. "okay," she said in a small voice.
"meet us outside at lunchtime," erica told her.
"i'm not skipping lunch," cokie protested.
typical cokie. even after we agreed to what she wanted, she gave us a hard time.'
uh, she just said she didn't want to skip lunch, which is totally fucking reasonable. are you the only person who is allowed to freak out about missing meals, because you're super special and will apparently DIE or go into a diabetic coma if you so much as skip a single meal? maybe cokie is hungry, stacey. if she skipped lunch all the time you girls would bitch about that, too, and shame her for being vain and dieting or some shit.
jesus fucking christ, you can't win with these idiots.
'"then come after you eat." i said.'
i'm sure she delivered that line through teeth clenched in rage at having to give an inch to the cult's number one enemy.
'that afternoon, she showed up fifteen minutes after lunch began.'
see? she ate quickly, just for you, ya bitch.
'cokie thought it would be "cool" if she sat on the back end of a car in the parking lot. she then spent almost ten minutes selecting the nicest and cleanest car. finally, though, she was seated and ready.'
maybe she just doesn't want to sit on the grass or be posed by a willow tree or a potted plant. to each their own, stace. she could also be nervous because she wasn't actually expecting you guys to agree to interview her and now she's afraid of being ambushed.
'"let's roll," erica signalled pete.
"wait, wait," cokie said, sliding off the car trunk.
"cut!" erica yelled. "what is it?"
"i forgot to fix my makeup." cokie dug around in her shoulder bag. we sighed and waited for her to touch up her eye shadow, liner, and lipstick in the side mirror of the car.
"you look gorgeous, now come on," emily prodded her as she fussed with her hair.
"oh, all right," cokie replied, climbing back on the car. "you don't understand about looking good, emily. but it's important to me."
emily shot me a look that said, can you believe her?
i rolled my eyes in reply.'
i know this is probably supposed to make cokie look completely shallow and vain, but i think a lot of teenage girls would pull the exact same thing. maybe not at the age of thirteen, but it's a real possibility. they should just count themselves lucky that she didn't insist on spending a full hour reapplying her "face."
and also, stacey is a fucking hypocrite if she thinks cokie is vain, because she and claudia both put on their makeup with a fucking trowel. dawn and mary anne wear make up sometimes too. dunno about abby, i mean, i doubt she does because she's kristy 2.0 but with allergies and a twin. kristy has only worn makeup a few times but she's still worn it. jessi wears makeup for dance performances, but mallory probably isn't allowed to wear any at all. point is, these girls are raging hypocrites for knocking other girls for wearing makeup. or for caring about how they look. i mean, if the cult members didn't care about how they looked, we wouldn't get outfit descriptions in almost every single book.
'once cokie was seated again i began. "so, how was your morning."
"cool," she replied.
"what was cool about it?"
"everything. i mean…not school…but the rest of it was cool."
"but all you've done so far is attend school," i pointed out.
"school is just part of school," she answered in the overly patient voice you'd use to explain something very obvious to a child. "there're things like friends, and clothes, and boys, and all the stuff you do in between classes. that's the real reason you go to school."'
i love how cokie got all condescending with stacey there for a second.
'"tell us about boys," emily jumped in.
"boys are people who are jerky but can also be adorable." here she shot pete a flirtatious smile. i couldn't believe it--he smiled back at her.'
why shouldn't he smile back, stacey? do you own him? seriously, she thinks she owns every single boy in school, minus alan gray, who has been blacklisted since elementary school. just because you went on some dates with pete over a hundred fucking books ago, doesn't mean he's not allowed to smile at other girls. you psycho.
'"boys are pretty much the most important thing in the life of a middle school girl," she continued confidently. "i, myself, am between boyfriends right now. i don't have to be. but this time i'm holding out for a really good one. i've had it with the losers i've been dating. my next boyfriend will be ultimately cool."'
if stacey even tries to make it seem like cokie is some kind of tramp for being interested in boys, i'm going to vomit. she's the most boy crazy girl in the whole school, i mean, one of the first books of the entire series was called "boy crazy stacey" because she's fucking obsessed with guys. almost every single stacey book involves a love interest. if she says a single fucking word about cokie, or the book uses her interest in dating to try and illustrate that she is nothing but a brain dead bimbo or something, i think i'll have to go outside and smash some fucking plates or something, because my mind can't handle that level of utter hypocrisy.
'"what would make him ultimately cool?" i asked.
"the same thing that makes any person ultimately cool. good looks. nice clothes. he shouldn't be failing school, but he shouldn't be that excited about it either. you don't want someone who spends his life studying and uses words you have to look up. if he were captain of a team, that would be all right."'
this is basically how these cult morons think, too. which is why they viciously bash janine for being smart.
'"what about a good sense of humour, integrity, intelligence?" emily asked.
cokie gazed at her blankly. "those are okay, but they don't make you cool."'
3…2…1…
'"are you for real, cokie?" i couldn't help saying. "do you and your friends really think like that?"
"like what?"
"well, are good looks and nice clothes really on the top of our list? you mean you'd never even consider hanging around someone who didn't have the right clothes or who was plain?"'
SAYS THE GIRL WHO TRIED TO MAKE TESS OVER BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T LIKE HER CLOTHES OR HER LOOKS! AND DIDN'T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH HER UNTIL SHE CONFORMED TO STACEY'S IDEA OF COOL!
'"you mean someone like you?" she cracked.'
"actually, stacey, you could hang with us if you wanted to. you have the right look. but you would never consider it. you're just as snobby as you think my friends are. you only want to be with your little BSC pals because you think you're so much better than us."
that is such an impressive burn that i have a special song just for this occasion:
and if disco isn't to your liking, have some talking heads:
either way, take a moment with me to listen to some tunes and celebrate that world class burn!
'i realized she was right. i did think my friends and i were better than cokie and her friends.'
well…at...least she can admit it? i…i guess?
'"oh, don't look so bent out of shape," she continued. "all groups think they're the best and don't want someone who doesn't fit in. even the geeks hang out with other geeks. i bet that, secretly, they think that being geeky is the only way to be. that's how it is in the world. at least that's how it is in middle school."
it wasn't exactly the most positive thing i've ever heard. but her theory did have a ring of truth to it.'
that's right stacey, don't be afraid to give credit where credit is due. and you so know that cokie has you and your little cult totally pegged. i bet everyone at school thinks you girls are a bunch of elitist snobs, it's not just cokie and her friends who think this. the only real difference between you and cokie is that you are a member of a cult that obsesses over babies.
'who would have guessed that cokie mason would give me something to think about seriously?'
i'm sure she'd give you a hell of a lot more to think about if you'd actually lower your sky high standards enough to talk to her.
this ridiculously long chapter finally ends with stacey musing about her project and dropping a massive foreshadowing bomb...
'our project was turning out to be surprisingly revealing. but the first two days of filming didn't prepare me for what was to come.'
CHAPTER EIGHT
sweet, this chapter starts out with yet another interview for the documentary! this time, it's claudia's turn. once again, they decide to film during lunchtime. i honestly don't know why they aren't filming after school hours, then their "subjects" wouldn't have to miss lunch. and how is stacey managing to skip lunch like this every day? i thought she had to be super strict about making sure she ate at certain times or else her pancreas would explode or something. whatever, suzanne. whatever.
they film claudia in the art room, because, as stacey puts it, she 'couldn't think of any place more suitable.' cuz character trait.
pete sits her by the window because the lighting is good. stacey tells us that claudia seemed perfectly at ease, 'probably because she was in her most natural environment.'
i love that she calls it claudia's 'most natural habitat,' because now i'm picturing how a nature documentary on claudia would go…
'here we see the rare claudius kishius species in it's natural habitat; buried in a magpie-like hoard of shiny, colourful objects. the claudius kishius also collects and hoards stores of sugary foodstuffs to keep it sustained throughout it's periods of intense hibernation. due to it's propensity towards sugar hoarding, it's nests are often populated by various exotic species of the cockroach family…'
stacey is proud of herself for thinking of filming claud in the art room, even though it was an obvious fucking no brainer. she thinks it means she's getting the hang of this whole movie making business.
even though she thinks she's improving and doing so well, she has to admit that emily's questions are still better than hers and provoke a much stronger response from their subjects. HAHA! 'probably because she was less polite, more probing. i decided i'd try to be a more hard-hitting interviewer from now on.' yeeaaah, good luck with that stacey.
'after all,' stacey muses. 'i'd been most direct with cokie and it had produced my most interesting interview so far.'
uh, BULLSHIT. cokie's was not the most interesting interview so far, jessi's was. i'm assuming stacey has washed jessi's interview from her mind with a couple of generous doses of kool-aid, so she won't have to report her to kristy.
either that or she's just talking about the interviews that she, herself, has done. whutevs.
even though she decided to be more hard-hitting, she opens with the same starter question they've asked everyone they've interviewed to date.
'"claudia, how was your day today?"
"excellent, completely excellent," she replied. "i love wednesday because i have art in the morning, followed by a study period. then i ask for a pass to come to the art room, so it's like having a double art period."
"you're such a terrific artist," i said. "which of the arts do you like best?"
she thought about it. "i can't decide. one month i think i'd like to spend all my time print-making. then, next, i'm totally into fashion design. i hope someday i'll be able to choose one. but for now i'm just having fun."'
gotta love how she makes sure to start out by stroking claudia's ego. but wait, this is her way of lulling her best friend into a false sense of security and ease.
'"is there anything you like about school besides art?" i asked.
her brow creased into a frown. "stacey, you know there isn't." she replied.
"pretend i'm not me," i whispered quickly, then i returned to my normal voice. "tell us a little about school."
claudia promptly freaks out.
'"i hate it! you know that!"
"what do you hate about it?"
she thought a moment. "i hate that it keeps me from doing what i love. i hate that it's so competitive too. you have to do well in middle school so you'll be placed in an honours class in high school, so that you'll get into a good college.""
since when do you give a shit about getting into an honours class, let alone college?
'"i suppose that's true," i commented. i hadn't thought of it that way before.'
really, stacey? REALLY? you've NEVER thought about this shit? pfft. they're really reaching with stacey's little revelatory moments during the interviews, because i don't fucking buy that she has never noticed this shit about school.
'"of course it is," she said. "if the thing you do well in is art, no one really cares. it's considered this very minor subject compared to english or math. i mean, where is the room for individuality?"
her voice calmed as she became more caught up in her subject. "there is none. you know, you hear all this talk about how you are the only unique you and everyone has their own special talent. it's what they say, but it's not the way the school operates. what they really mean is, do well in math, science, or language, and you'll be rewarded. otherwise, you're a failure."'
emily the journalist can't resist jumping in and asking a question of her own. she asks, "but hasn't the artist been misunderstood throughout history?" which is true, BUT, not going to make claudia feel any better. though, i guess the subjects feeling better isn't the point of these interviews. they are just single-mindedly trying to provoke reactions from their subjects to get exciting film. there is no way that this movie will be only ten minutes.
'"maybe so, but that doesn't make it right," claudia answered. "and the school shouldn't try to pretend they respect or reward individuality when they don't. they should just lay it out: we're going to make your life as difficult as we can."
"do you think it's really that extreme?" i asked. it seemed to me that she was going a bit overboard.'
yeah, claudia is just a big ol' conspiracy theorist, stacey. you know her 'claudia kishi ener-joy theory' about how eating sugar makes you happy and your joy helps you burn calories so you don't get fat? that's actually true. the government has been suppressing the truth about how sugar = happiness = thinness for decades, it's the biggest conspiracy of our times. that's why there is an obesity epidemic -- because all the sugar free, fat free foods we've been told are good for us have actually been making, and keeping, us fat all along.
claudia was right all this time…
now back to our regular scheduled programming…
'claudia folded her arms. "yes. absolutely."
wow. even though claudia is my best friend, i hadn't realized what she was up against or how angry it made her. these interviews certainly were an eye-opener for me.'
you've known claudia for nearly two non-time warp decades, and yet you didn't realize how hard of a time she was having with school? even after she almost had to quit the club because of her shitty grades? even after all the times you've had to help her with her homework and tutor her? even after she ended up getting sent back to seventh grade? fuck, you've known her during times when she wasn't allowed to do her homework unsupervised because her grades were so bad. not to mention the fact that her being shit in school is one of her main character traits! how the fuck could you not have realized that this is hard on her? jesus christ, stacey, all this book is proving so far is just how fucking oblivious and insensitive you are to the world around you--including the people who are supposed to be your "best friends."
next we find them in the SMS express office, about to interview emily, who is protesting, "i don't want to do this, i really have to get this edition out." by this point, pete has already started filming her. stacey tells her that that is why they're filming in the office, so she can work on the paper and be interviewed at the same time. yeah, that sounds like it'll work. it shouldn't be hard for her to focus on the paper at all with pete's camera all up in her face, you firing stupid questions at her and erica…doing whatever it is erica has been doing this whole time. which is nothing. she seems to have disappeared from the book, to be perfectly honest. she hasn't been mentioned in a long ass time, that's for sure.
where the fuck has erica gone, anyway? did she get sucked into the rift in the space time continuum that has been causing the time warp?!
emily sits at her desk trying to work and stacey asks her how her day was. YAWN!
'"very interesting. how was yours?"
"fine. but let's talk about you. do you like being editor of the paper?"
"most of the time i love it. sometimes the deadline pressure is overwhelming. kids don't turn in their articles on time. or sometimes they're so badly written i have to redo them. i suppose i like to take charge, though."
"you seem to be able to handle it," i agreed.
"you're a take-charge type too, stacey, but you don't take charge of anything," she observed. "why is that?"'
HAHA! i love how emily is turning the interview around onto stacey. it's either because she can't resist--what with her wanting to be a journalist and all, or it's her way of passive aggressively lashing out because she doesn't want to be interviewed herself. either way, it makes me laugh.
and yeah, why don't you take charge of anything, stacey? is it because you're afraid of the lil'est dictator's wrath?
'"well, my life is very busy. also, i'm always travelling back and forth to the city. i don't want to commit to things that might require me to be available on weekends when i--hey, wait!" i cried. "i'm interviewing you, remember?"
"oh, yeah," she said with a grin. she'd turned the tables on me.'
stacey tries to take back control of the interview by asking emily what the best part of her day is. god damn, stacey, what a boring motherfucking question. shit like this is why your interviews are totally subpar compared to emily's. and why she always has to step in when your lame interviews are floundering.
emily answers "english class and working on the paper." which causes stacey to inwardly bitch that, 'surprisingly, emily wasn't easy to interview. i sat for a second, stumped. what should i ask her next? none of the questions i'd prepared seemed right.'
that's because you suck at this, stacey. and because you haven't actually bothered to prepare questions. you stick to the same one or two questions and then wing it helplessly until emily comes to your rescue.
'"what's the best part for you?" she asked.
"oh, no you don't," i said.
"it's math, isn't it?" she continued. "i know you love math. but you can't make math into a career."
"of course you can," i cried. "there's plenty you can do with a college degree in math. there's physics, engineering."
"who would want to be an engineer?" she scoffed.'
total burn to all engineers out there. my husband went to college for computer engineering. emily's being a total fuckstick.
'"are you kidding? engineering is a huge field. you can plan bridges, or you can work on computer things, or you can design household appliances. you might even be involved in the space program or robotics. it's endless."'
vindication!
"is that what you'd like to do?" she asked.
"i'm not sure," i admitted. "all along i've been thinking i might go into engineering. but now i'm wondering if filmmaking might be fun. it's not a math field, but you have to know how to budget."
finally i realized she'd done it again. "is there some reason you don't want to talk about yourself?" i asked pointedly.'
now that is a good question, stacey. but only if emily doesn't find a way to bring it back around onto you.
'"no, but i'm a writer and a journalist. we're happier observing than being observed."
"you already consider yourself a journalist even though you're only thirteen?"
"yes, i do. i'm sure that's what i want to be."
"i wish i felt that certain about the future."'
jesus stacey, this time you've done it to yourself. if emily starts questioning you now, it's on you.
'"that's one of the biggest problems i see among middle school kids," she said. "fear of the future. it's so unknown that it can be terrifying."
"cut!" erica cried. "that stuff about the future would be a great way to end the film.'
oh, there's erica! all she ever gets to say is "cut!" so i don't even notice she's there.
'"it would be," pete agreed. "even though we found out more about the interviewer than the person being interviewed."
HAHA.
and the chapter still isn't over, because it's time to interview mary anne.
it's now lunchtime on thursday and they have sat mary anne down near the back entrance of the school where some daffodils are blooming. stacey tells us that emily had suggested mary anne as a subject, but she, stacey, isn't sure that mary anne would 'give a good interview'. wow, that's nice, stace. you're not a bitch at all.
'she's the best. but sometimes she's so sweet and polite that she doesn't always say what's on her mind because she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. also, she's more of a listener than a talker.' nothing wrong with that, stacey.
'maybe this was my chance to practice being a more dynamic interviewer. it might take that something extra to get a reaction from mary anne.'
so, basically she's straight up admitting that they are purposely pushing buttons to try and get a reaction from the people they're interviewing.
'"how was your day today, mary anne?" i asked, once erica had given me the go-ahead.
"the same as usual," she replied casually.
"how was your short takes egyptology class?"
she shrugged. "to be honest…a little boring. i thought i'd learn something more than i already knew. but so far it's been the same old information you hear on public television. i love those, but i thought this would tell me more."
"and it hasn't?"
"no. it's been a big fat bore."'
stacey tells us that she 'narrowed' her eyes at mary anne after this last comment. she claims that mary anne is 'a pretty even-tempered person', which makes me laugh because of all the times when mary anne totally lost her cool on someone.
'but today she seemed moody for some reason.'
i'd joke that maybe she finally started her period, but periods don't even exist in ann's world. actually, that's probably one of the only good things about this make believe town -- you'd never have to deal with having a period! not only that, but you'd never have to age. damn, that actually sounds like a good fucking deal -- i mean, seriously, endless youth and never having to deal with cramps? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!! just gotta kick kristy and her pre-teen militia out and it'll be pretty fucking close to utopia.
'"are you okay?" i asked, half forgetting pete was filming.
"i'm all right."
i figured everyone is entitled to a bad day. and there was no law that said she had to love her short takes class. so i continued. "mary anne, your friends know you as a sunny kind of person, someone who looks for the positive side of things. but don't you ever get mad?"'
wait wait wait wait WAIT! HOLD UP! a "sunny" kind of person? according to every single chapter two, mary anne cries like a baby at the drop of a hat! since when is she known as a happy-go-lucky, super positive person?
'"of course i do," she said harshly, in fact, it seemed i'd just made her mad. maybe that was good.'
maybe that was good? seriously? you're fucked up stacey, don't bait your friend. what the fuck do you think you are, a therapist or something? you're just a thirteen year old kid with a video camera on a fucking power trip. pushing people's buttons to try and make your silly little ten minute film exciting and dramatic, not even caring if you happen to upset the people you're interviewing along the way. bitch.
oh sweet jesus, i sound like derek zoolander!
about one minute, twenty seconds in.
'"well, what makes you angry?"
"lots of things. like…i don't know…like people who can't be nice. people who yell. the people at our school who think they're the best--you know who i mean."
she sighed. "i even get mad at teachers because they can be so unfair. some of them play favourites all the time."'
like stacey's math teacher, and mr. douche, for example.
and now we get to the part that makes this one of the most memorable and revealing interviews of the book...
'this was unexpected great stuff. "do you get mad at your parents?" i asked.
"sometimes. i know i shouldn't. especially with my mother. sometimes i am so mad at her."
"sharon?" i asked. i thought they had a good relationship.
"not sharon," she snapped. "my mother! i hate her for not being there. why did she have to die?"
mary anne stopped speaking as a stunned expression came over her face. it was as if she'd surprised herself with her last statement.
"can we stop now?" mary anne requested in a small voice. tears had come to her eyes.'
poor mary anne.
the chapter ends with erica telling pete to cut and mary anne walking away alone, wiping the tears from her eyes. instead of going after her friend to give her a hug or make sure she's okay, stacey and erica marvel at how "great" the interview was:
'"that was a great interview."
i nodded. it was probably the best one so far.
and from the last person i'd expected it from.'
CHAPTER NINE
NOOOO!! not a baby-sitting chapter!
i guess i'll just have to grin and bear it, because it seems kristy's current brand of insanity is featured heavily in this chapter! yup, she's so far gone that abby actually has words with her about it! in the club notebook, of course, because that's how the disciples of the BSC/k. ron roll when they have an issue with a fellow member--they trash talk them for all to see in the club notebook instead of talking to them about it woman to woman. ah, the passive aggression is strong in these girls.
'friday
kristy, you need to get a grip. you are completely power-mad with your film. you don't seem to care who you make mad or inconvenienced. maybe you should go to hollywood. you're showing all the obnoxious qualities it takes to make it big.'
wow, she really laid it all out there, didn't she? good job abby, next time say it to her face though.
so, what prompted abby's rage? she and kristy had a joint sitting job at the pike's that day and it turns out kristy decided to do double duty and be both baby-sitter and film-maker. considering the shit show she left in her wake when mary anne was sitting for the rodowsky's, this should be pretty fucking amazing.
abby got to the pike's before kristy so was there to answer the door when kristy showed up with the rest of the film crew.
'"hi, guys," she greeted them. she stifled a smile when she noticed alan. he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses--just to make it absolutely clear that he was the director.'
is a baseball cap and shades supposed to be the universal uniform of film directors or something? somehow i can't imagine wearing sunglasses on set to be very practical. well, maybe if you're filming outdoors on a really sunny day, but other than that it'd be kind of stupid. and everyone knows that the only person who has ever been able to come even close to getting away with wearing sunglasses at completely inappropriate times is corey hart:
anyone else just ends up looking like an addict or a total douchebag poseur.
anyway.
mrs. pike comes downstairs to say goodbye and whatnot. when she sees kristy and the film crew she turns to her monkey offspring and teases, "all right, kids, you'd better behave, because kristy is going to capture your every move on video."
that comment made me think about nanny-cams for some reason, and how things would've changed for the cult if people in stoneybrook had owned and used them. can you imagine? all of the child labour they force their sitting charges into doing would be caught on film! i'm sure at least some of the parents would be pissed off that their kids were being used as slave labour. man, the club would've ended up getting shut down in a matter of weeks due to the forced child labour issues alone!
vanessa lies, telling her mother, "we always behave," oh vanessa, you slay me! margo adds that they're better than that, they're excellent! which also makes me laugh. we learn that vanessa is writing in a notebook, margo is reading to claire and the triplets are playing a noisy game. where the fuck is nicky?
mother of the year asks the triplets why they aren't playing their game in the rec room and adam tells her it's because the light down there isn't working. jesus, pikes, change the lightbulbs once in awhile! i know you're adjusting to not having mallory there to parent the entire family and do all the grunt work, but jesus fucking christ, take care of shit! and also, kids? if something is broken and you're too young/short/inept to fix it yourselves, tell an adult as soon as possible, don't wait until they're heading out the door to go somewhere. this fucking family, man!
'mrs. pike sighed. "all right. i'll look at it when i get back."'
gotta love that long suffering sigh! it's like, bitch, you made that kind of shit mallory's job since she was ejected from your clown car of a womb, if anyone has a right to get all martyr-ish about that crap, it's your daughter! all i hear when mrs. pike sighs is, "boohoo, you mean i have to parent my own kids for a whole thirty seconds? waaahhh!!" i'm glad mallory ran away to boarding school. her family is fucking hopeless.
i bet you any money that light doesn't get fixed until mallory returns home on a school break. i can actually see the entire family ending up sitting in a dark house for months on end, because lightbulbs kept burning out and nobody bothered to replace them because they were waiting for mallory to come back and do it for them, as usual.
fuck i hate the pikes.
nicky comes in and asks if anyone wants to play catch with him. since it's nicky, he gets the shaft yet again. nobody ever wants to play with that kid. then mrs. pike fucks off to the hairdresser, because that's just how she rolls.
kristy jumps right in, because she's super eager to film little kids getting injured, and asks, "okay, kids, what can you show me?"
'"i've written you a poem," vanessa volunteered.
"let's have it," kristy said, aiming her camera at vanessa.
alan stepped between kristy and vanessa. "excuse me," he said sharply. "i believe it's my decision whether or not we film a poem."'
stand your ground, alan, vanessa's poetry is fucking painful even on a good day and i already have a migraine.
'"you're in my way, alan," kristy said calmly as she stepped around him. "go ahead, vanessa."
vanessa stood and held her pad in front of her. "hey, kids gather 'round/kristy's makin' a movie, complete with sound/it's all about kids who are silly, goofy, loopy, willy-nilly/so if you are feeling nutty, call up kristy--she'll be your buddy."'
jesus christ...
'kristy put down her camera. "that's excellent, vanessa. we'll introduce the film with this."
"that will be so cute," anna agreed.
"wait a minute!" alan cried. "did i say cut? i don't remember saying cut. and we're not starting the film with that poem." he turned to vanessa. "no offence, little girl, but this is not kristy's movie, so we can't use your poem."'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i love you alan. i love you.
'vanessa scowled at him. "don't call me little girl."'
you are a little girl, vanessa. sowwy, not sowwy!
'"don't listen to him," kristy told her.
logan stepped into the room from the doorway where he and anna had been standing with abby. "kristy, alan does have a point. and he is the director."'
*SLOWCLAP*
way to finally stand a stand, slowgan.
'"hey, look what i can do!" claire cried out.
kristy whirled toward her, camera held to her eye.
claire began to do a somersault on the couch. abby saw that she was about to veer off it and onto the coffee table. she tore across the room and caught claire mid-tumble.'
just want to add a note here that the typos in the ebook are still pretty frequent and confusing, so 'mid-tumble' is a total guess, the ebook says, '…and caught claire mutable'. my apologies for having to employ guesswork at times. i hope i'm not too far off in my guesses at least.
'"hey, why'd you do that?" kristy objected.'
uh, because claire, who is not only a sitting charge, but the baby sister of one of your so-called friends and cult members, was seconds away from a potentially serious injury? what happened to the importance of child safety, kristy? did you just throw up your hands and stop caring about the safety and wellbeing of your charges after poor jackie fell out of a tree on your watch? seriously, what the fuck is this? she's obsessed with capturing the kids that she claims to care about getting injured on camera.
'"because she was about to bang into the table and hurt herself," abby replied angrily. "how could you just stand there filming it?"
"she wasn't going to hit the table," kristy scoffed.'
Kristin Amanda Thomas would go on to work on A&E's Intervention. When asked how she could just stand there filming desperate junkies shooting up, she would scoff, "It's not like they're going to overdose or anything, besides, this makes for hilarious television! I know it makes me crack up when people are freaking out on bath salts, or trying to assault their family members in a drug-fuelled rage, i mean, that's comedic gold right there! I just wish A&E hadn't rejected my Great Idea ™ of including a laugh track, or my other Great Idea ™ for the name, 'America's Funniest Drug Addicts'"'
after that little exchange between abby and kristy, kristy films vanessa, margo and nicky singing 'a silly song about a goat who ate everything in sight but saved the day when he coughed up a wash line full of clothing he'd swallowed and flagged down a train that was about to crash.' that is one hell of a long song description when they could've just put in the damned song title, but ya know, what with word counts being what they are and all…
apparently this little performance involved throwing clothes into the air, though it isn't said whether the kids grabbed clothes from their rooms to throw around or just stripped naked and threw their clothes everywhere. scary. stacey tells us that abby had to go around gathering up the sneakers, headbands, sweaters and other assorted clothing items that had been thrown all over the damned place, while kristy just stood by filming the pike ape-child hybrids in their element.
'"look! film this!" byron called to her. she turned her camera toward him. he had climbed on adam's back. jordan was in the process of climbing onto byron's.
"not so close to that lamp," abby said warningly as she eyed the glass light fixture on the table next to them.
"we can't move now," adam grunted from the bottom of the pile.
"they're fine," kristy said as she filmed.'
she really doesn't care at all, does she? she's seriously banking on at least one of these kids getting hurt. i blame 'america's funniest home videos' for putting the idea that people getting hurt made for hilarious viewing. it was pretty much just videos of people falling off of shit, or walking into shit, or getting kicked in the nuts or having balls thrown at their nuts, getting their nuts crushed, etc etc, anything painful involving a dude's nuts, kids freaking out and having tantrums/crying, or gross shit like babies blowing insane snot bubbles and crap like that. i hated that show. it's totally where kristy got her inspiration for this stupid school project.
this is the kind of shit that kristy is praying for:
gotta love that circus music playing in the background as people get hurt, am i right?
'nicky began climbing on top of jordan while his brothers shouted for him to get down. "i can do it," he insisted. but as he put his knee on jordan's back, adam buckled and the whole stack came crashing down--into the table.
abby lunged for the lamp as it teetered to one side. she caught hold of the shade just as it was about to smash onto the floor.'
if i were abby, i'd be ready to smack kristy upside the head right about now. i mean, those kids just crashed into the fucking table, are they even okay?!
'she turned angrily toward kristy. "why don't we play this tape for mrs. pike and show her what a great baby-sitting job you're doing!"'
damn right you should! not that mrs. pike would care, because since when has she given a shit about her kids? but still, SHOW HER THAT SHIT!
actually, don't just show mrs. pike, abby, show ALL the club's clients. every single one of them. they should know what kind of fucking moron they are trusting to take care of their children. forget the nanny-cams showing forced child labour, kristy just filmed herself not only encouraging these kids to do stupid, dangerous shit that pretty much guaranteed injury, but it's also on film that she didn't do a damned thing when they actually got hurt. seriously, she didn't even check on the triplets and nicky! she didn't even fucking react. if i had kids, i sure as fuck wouldn't want someone like that baby-sitting them. screw that!
'"oh, chill, abby," kristy snapped at her.
"hey, you guys, don't fight," margo said.
"mind your own business, margo." abby barked at her.
margo's jaw dropped and tears welled in her eyes.
"now look what you've done," kristy cried.
"i'm sorry, margo," abby apologized. "really. i'm mad at kristy, not you."'
damn right. and she has every right to be mad at kristy. it's a good thing the club didn't last much longer after this ridiculous shit show went down.
'margo sniffed. "that's okay."
"what are you mad at me for?" kristy asked in disbelief. "i didn't do anything."
"well, you certainly haven't done any baby-sitting. you've been too busy being a one-woman filmmaking crew."
"i'll say," said alan.
"oh, alan, shut up," kristy said. "anyway, we're done for the day."'
yeah, because you finally got the money shot, right, kristy? you got your 'stupid kids getting injured' finale. speaking of kids getting injured, it really fucking bugs me that so far, NO ONE has checked on adam, byron, jordan and nicky to make sure that they're okay after crashing into a fucking table. they should be checking those kids over for even minor injuries for god's sake. what the fuck is wrong with everyone? i mean, i get abby and kristy are in the middle of world war three over here, but there are three other teenagers in the room, someone should have the presence of mind to go and check the kids over. fuck, logan is a member of this stupid baby worshipping cult and not even he is going to check on them! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?
the chapter ends with alan telling kristy that he didn't say "cut." so she bitchily shouts, "CUT!" and still, no one has checked to see if the boys are okay.
finally getting around to putting up part three of this ridiculous thing and i feel i should warn you before you read any further: shit is about to get a LOT worse in these next three chapters. this book just keeps going downhill and kristy is a total headcase.
with that said, thanks for all of the awesome comments on part one and two! i really hope you all enjoy part three!
CHAPTER SEVEN
oh sweet, we're diving right into the interviews!
'"thanks for doing this, abby," i said. it was monday during lunch. my film crew and i had decided to interview abby, and she'd agreed.'
hmmm…abby, i don't remember this interview from when i read the book last year, so this could go either way. a couple of the interviews were incredibly memorable, though, and boy oh boy am i ever looking forward to them!
they sit abby in the field on the side of the school, because they plan on filming her against a backdrop of 'mostly blue sky'. erica had made an executive decision, as the director of this shitshow, to film abby this way, because it would be 'pretty striking.'
'"abby, turn your head more toward the school," erica directed.
"why?"
"i just think it will look better that way."
abby smiled at me. "oh, these temperamental directors," she joked.'
yeah, it's like when people tell you to "look natural" and then pose the fuck out of you. sooo natural!
stacey smiles back at abby, as she sits down in the grass facing her with her legs crossed, so the crabs don't escape.
'"and, roll 'em." erica signalled pete to start filming. he put the camera to his eye and began moving around us, which was a little distracting. i did my best to ignore him.'
good luck with that, stace.
she tells us that as the interviewer, she had decided to steal emily's questioning technique, since it had worked so well with pete.
'"so, abby, how has your day been so far?"
"long!" abby said. "extremely long."
"why is that?"
"every morning my mother's alarm goes off at five. five! and it's so loud. i can never go back to sleep, but at that hour i can't think clearly enough to do anything very useful. i try to catch up on school reading, since i'm always behind in that. that's not easy because mom actually starts leaving messages on people's voice mail in the office while she's getting dressed in her bedroom."'
holy shit, poor abby. she needs to invest in some earplugs or something. and hmmm, always behind in her school reading, huh? sounds like the BSC is taking up way too much time if she can't get her school work done. no wonder she's so fucking tired in this book. her mom's alarm wakes her up at the ass crack of dawn (ew, not THAT dawn!), then she has school and school work and her sports and training, and the fucking cult meetings, sitting jobs and whatever bullshit parade/carnival/camp/kiddie party, etc, kristy cooks up that week. that's got to be fucking exhausting.
'she stopped and laughed softly. "still in her nightgown and she's already bugging people for stuff. so, she's blabbing away, then anna starts practicing her violin at about six-thirty. it's not easy to read under those conditions."
i smiled at her sympathetically. "sounds rough."'
i imagine that smile to be more condescending than sympathetic, to be honest.
kind like this:
but with more condescension.
'"i know. poor me. i don't mean to whine. maybe it's because soccer season has started, but it all seems like too much."
i tried to think of a probing question, something that would make interesting film footage. "what's your favourite part of the day?" i asked. (weak, i know.)'
yeah, that was pretty fucking weak as far as "probing" questions go, stace. better luck next time.
'"bedtime!"
that answer kind of cut things dead. i couldn't think of where to go from there. we just sat staring at each other.'
maybe you and the crew should've written up a list of interview questions, numbnuts. i thought that you said that was going to be part of your job as the screenwriter now that you're doing a documentary? oh, wait, i forgot who i'm talking to, it's stacey shirks-responsibilities mcgill! as you were, stacey. as you were.
'"oh, very funny." emily broke the silence. "i don't believe it. bedtime isn't your favourite time."
"i suppose not," abby agreed. "i like soccer. and gym can be fun. BSC meetings are cool. and i like to baby-sit. i don't know. there are so many favourite parts i can't fit them all into one day. i mean, i can and i do. but it's really a lot sometimes."'
sure as fuck is. and also, nice save emily! but try not to step in too often, because stacey LUVS to dump her work on to others. just ask mary anne.
'"it sounds as though you're like your mother," emily observed. "maybe you both like to fill your schedule with more than you can handle."
"no way!" abby cried. "she's exactly who i don't want to be like."
"she's got too much to do and so do you," emily went on. "you're going from morning until night, just like she is."
abby jumped to her feet. "that's not true!" she stopped as a horrified expression swept her face. "wow! what if it is true? i never thought of it like that. you might be right. but i don't want to live my life like that--always rushed and pressed for time."
she began to wander away from the camera. "abby, where are you going?" i called after her.
"sorry, i have to think about this," she said in a distracted way. "i really can't talk anymore." she continued walking toward the school.'
see, now that shit is probing. manipulative, yes, because emily was purposely trying to provoke a reaction with her comments, but it was definitely probing and a hell of a lot deeper than any of stacey's bullshit. move over, stacey, switch jobs with emily and leave the interviewing to the professional, cuz you SUCK.
'"cut!" erica instructed pete.
i turned to my film crew. "i'm sorry. i didn't think she'd just walk away like that."
"are you kidding?" emily said gleefully. "do you know how great that's going to be on film? we captured a person experiencing a profound revelation. it was…real-life drama!"'
that's for damned sure.
cut to later on, after school. stacey and the gang are about to interview jessi. now this was one of the most memorable interviews of the entire book. and the whole thing is pretty fucked up, so...
they sit jessi under a willow tree near the edge of school grounds. this time, thank god, emily will be conducting the interview, since she and stacey decided to take turns. gee, stacey, i wonder why?
emily starts off with their old standby, asking jessi how her day was.
'"good, i guess," [jessi] answered. she seemed a little nervous and glanced at me. i nodded encouragingly. "i just had regular classes. i don't have ballet class this afternoon, so i have a little time to kill between now and our BSC meeting. do you want to hear about the BSC?"'
NOOO!! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE FUCKING BABY-SHITTING CULT, JESSICA!
'"maybe later," emily said. "right now, i'd like to know what you do with the in-between time."'
thank you, emily!! you're a girl after my own heart.
jessi says, "well, often i take ballet classes, which i love. dance is very important to me. i also read. horse books are my favourite." jesus christ, jessi, don't tell me you plan to spend the interview chapter two-ing your god damn life.
'"what else do you do in your spare time?" emily asked.
jessi said. "not much. i used to go to mallory's house. she's my best friend, even though now she's going to boarding school."
"so, you've recently lost your best friend?" emily asked.
"not that recently. a few months ago. i have other friends, but not many who are my own age."'
make that NONE who are you own age, kristy made damned sure of that. the second rule of the BSC is: no friends are allowed unless they are recruited into the cult. non-cult members are potential trouble sources/suppressive persons and so are not to be associated with.
'"or your own african-american background." emily added.
i cringed when she said that. it seemed almost rude.'
only because you don't want to hear how jessi actually feels about that, stacey. because 'the cult is totally colour blind, you guys!! we don't see colour! we see people! OH! and hey, did you know that JESSI IS BLACK? teehee!' fucking morons.
'"that's not exactly true," jessi answered. "i have african-american friends--and some latina ones too--in new york city. i met them when i was involved in a dance program called dance new york. i'm still in touch with them. two of my friends came up for a sleepover not long ago. they get along great with my other friends from stoneybrook."
"how was the experience?" emily asked.
"fun," jessi replied.
"no problems?"
"i don't know. maybe i sometimes feel as if my stoneybrook friends will be bored if i go on and on about dance. i think even mallory was bored when i talked about it too much. but with my dance friends, i can talk forever about the difficulty of performing certain steps and jumps and also the fun of it. it was a little weird being part of two such different groups."'
be prepared, because stacey's mind is about to get BLOWN.
'"is it also easier to be around other kids from similar backgrounds?" emily asked. i wished she'd stop with that line of questioning.'
if jessi doesn't mind, stacey, then you should back the fuck off. because this isn't about you and what makes you comfortable. now, if jessi said she didn't want to answer these questions, that would be different, but it seems like YOU are the only one with a fucking problem here.
'"not really," jessi answered. "before stoneybrook, i came from a pretty integrated town in new jersey. i'm used to being around white kids."
white kids--that sounded so strange coming from jessi. it never occurred to me that she might think of us as white kids.'
let us repeat that above line, but with lots of fucking emphasis added: 'it never occurred to me that she [WHO WE ALWAYS REFER TO AS BLACK] might think of us as white kids.'
WHY THE FUCK NOT? as i pointed out, ever since she was introduced in 'hello, mallory' you bitches have made a fucking point of making jessi's race into HUGE DEAL to the readers in EVERY SINGLE BOOK, and then usually tacking on a little note about the racism she apparently had to deal with since she moved to town and how awful it was, but how you guys are all so enlightened and anti-racism and colour blind, yadda yadda. yet it never occurred to you that jessi might think of you guys who ARE white* as white.
*minus claudia, though her race has been almost completely whitewashed. to the point where even jessi seems to have included her in that "white kids" comment.
what. the. actual. fuck? HOW IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT FROM HOW ALL OF YOU SEE HER? oh, yeah, she never makes a big ass deal about how white her friends are, and what a saint she is for being friends with white girls.
see? this is why this interview was so memorable for me, because it's totally fucking rage inducing. i'm getting a headache. thanks stacey.
'"but does it put a strain on you, being a minority here in stoneybrook?"
"emily," i cut in. "do you think this is really--"'
SHUT UP STACEY. you're only trying to stop this line of questioning because you don't want to know how jessi really feels, and her answers are making you uncomfortable. i'm going to tape your fucking mouth shut if you don't stop talking. as much as jessi annoys the ever living fuck out of me because of how overblown her ego is most of the time, i want to hear this. because we never hear about jessi's opinions and feelings when it comes to this stuff. all we ever really see is jessi accusing other people (mallory, pinky, etc) of racism, being completely wrong about it, and ending up looking like she's just the hysterical girl who cried racism and so isn't to be taken seriously when it comes to racism or race related issues at all.
'"it's okay." jessi cut me off. she turned back to emily. "you know, no one has ever asked me before. but it's true. it can be a strain."'
"no one has ever asked me before." see, and this is why this line of questioning is important, STACEY. you all just assumed that since you were all happy-go-lucky and fine about it, jessi had to be as well. this is what i mean when i say that these girls lack empathy. they've never once put themselves in jessi's shoes and thought, "hmm, it might actually be hard for jessi, being one of the only african americans in our whole town. if it were me, i think i'd feel pretty isolated/anxious/strained/etc…"
not even once.
'my jaw fell open. i hadn't realized that.
"i feel it more now that mallory is gone. before, i was never alone, but without mallory i am. i'm suddenly more aware that i stand out and i'm different."
"how does that affect you?" emily asked.
"i feel that i always have to be on my best behaviour. i can never look messy, or act clumsy, or goof off on my schoolwork. i feel almost as if i'm representing my race in a white world, and sometimes i resent that pressure."
boy, was i shocked to hear that.'
i actually have a bit of a lump in my throat reading that. it's sad. and it's sad that mallory leaving has affected her so much, too. not being allowed to have non-cult friends has kind of fucked jessi over, because now she doesn't even have anyone in her own grade. what a shitty situation.
'"and you feel more relaxed with your dance new york friends?" emily inquired.
i breathed in deeply, waiting for her to say no.
"yes. i suppose i have more in common with them and i don't feel i aways have to be perfect."
"jessi," i cried softly.'
stop fucking feeling bad for yourself, stacey. stop trying to shut jessi up. this isn't about you!
it took until the second to last book of the regular series for jessi to get a chance to say all of this. and she leaves the club at the very beginning of the friends forever series.
'it was almost as though she'd forgotten i was there. once i spoke, she looked slightly panicked. "but my friends here are great," she added. "really, they're the best."'
she's only going back to repeating the party line because she's scared this is going to get back to kristy. at best, she'd be kicked out of the club for what they'd see as shit talking the members, then she'd have no friends in stoneybrook at all. and as i said, that's a best case scenario, knowing these bitches. that is fucked up.
'"but you don't really feel relaxed with them?" emily prompted.
"they're older than me," jessi replied. "that makes a difference. and i suppose being the only african-american in the group does make me feel different sometimes."
i became aware that pete was now filming me, instead of jessi. he must have felt that the amazed, distressed expression on my face was as much a part of this interview as jessi's words.'
and that is where jessi's interview scene ends.
but because this chapter isn't hellishly long enough, we cut to the next interview!
'"what's wrong? i'm not good enough for your film?"
that was how cokie mason greeted us on tuesday morning. emily, erica, and i were standing at my locker discussing who to interview next.'
YES! COKIE!
i can't remember if this interview is good or not, though.
stacey tells us that cokie was the last person they would've thought of interviewing, stating: 'even though she runs with a crowd of kids some might consider popular, none of us particularly likes her or her friends.' because you are all elitist snobs whether you care to admit it or not. even if cokie had never made a play for logan, you bitches still would've hated her--and her friends, by association--just because she isn't obsessed with huffing shitty baby diapers and wiping snotty noses all day long.
'but here was the opportunity we'd been waiting for--the chance to interview someone we disliked. the three of us exchanged glances.
"we'll interview you, cokie," emily spoke up.'
i'm so glad emily is calling most of the shots here.
'judging from cokie's expression, this shocked her. she'd probably been expecting an argument. "okay," she said in a small voice.
"meet us outside at lunchtime," erica told her.
"i'm not skipping lunch," cokie protested.
typical cokie. even after we agreed to what she wanted, she gave us a hard time.'
uh, she just said she didn't want to skip lunch, which is totally fucking reasonable. are you the only person who is allowed to freak out about missing meals, because you're super special and will apparently DIE or go into a diabetic coma if you so much as skip a single meal? maybe cokie is hungry, stacey. if she skipped lunch all the time you girls would bitch about that, too, and shame her for being vain and dieting or some shit.
jesus fucking christ, you can't win with these idiots.
'"then come after you eat." i said.'
i'm sure she delivered that line through teeth clenched in rage at having to give an inch to the cult's number one enemy.
'that afternoon, she showed up fifteen minutes after lunch began.'
see? she ate quickly, just for you, ya bitch.
'cokie thought it would be "cool" if she sat on the back end of a car in the parking lot. she then spent almost ten minutes selecting the nicest and cleanest car. finally, though, she was seated and ready.'
maybe she just doesn't want to sit on the grass or be posed by a willow tree or a potted plant. to each their own, stace. she could also be nervous because she wasn't actually expecting you guys to agree to interview her and now she's afraid of being ambushed.
'"let's roll," erica signalled pete.
"wait, wait," cokie said, sliding off the car trunk.
"cut!" erica yelled. "what is it?"
"i forgot to fix my makeup." cokie dug around in her shoulder bag. we sighed and waited for her to touch up her eye shadow, liner, and lipstick in the side mirror of the car.
"you look gorgeous, now come on," emily prodded her as she fussed with her hair.
"oh, all right," cokie replied, climbing back on the car. "you don't understand about looking good, emily. but it's important to me."
emily shot me a look that said, can you believe her?
i rolled my eyes in reply.'
i know this is probably supposed to make cokie look completely shallow and vain, but i think a lot of teenage girls would pull the exact same thing. maybe not at the age of thirteen, but it's a real possibility. they should just count themselves lucky that she didn't insist on spending a full hour reapplying her "face."
and also, stacey is a fucking hypocrite if she thinks cokie is vain, because she and claudia both put on their makeup with a fucking trowel. dawn and mary anne wear make up sometimes too. dunno about abby, i mean, i doubt she does because she's kristy 2.0 but with allergies and a twin. kristy has only worn makeup a few times but she's still worn it. jessi wears makeup for dance performances, but mallory probably isn't allowed to wear any at all. point is, these girls are raging hypocrites for knocking other girls for wearing makeup. or for caring about how they look. i mean, if the cult members didn't care about how they looked, we wouldn't get outfit descriptions in almost every single book.
'once cokie was seated again i began. "so, how was your morning."
"cool," she replied.
"what was cool about it?"
"everything. i mean…not school…but the rest of it was cool."
"but all you've done so far is attend school," i pointed out.
"school is just part of school," she answered in the overly patient voice you'd use to explain something very obvious to a child. "there're things like friends, and clothes, and boys, and all the stuff you do in between classes. that's the real reason you go to school."'
i love how cokie got all condescending with stacey there for a second.
'"tell us about boys," emily jumped in.
"boys are people who are jerky but can also be adorable." here she shot pete a flirtatious smile. i couldn't believe it--he smiled back at her.'
why shouldn't he smile back, stacey? do you own him? seriously, she thinks she owns every single boy in school, minus alan gray, who has been blacklisted since elementary school. just because you went on some dates with pete over a hundred fucking books ago, doesn't mean he's not allowed to smile at other girls. you psycho.
'"boys are pretty much the most important thing in the life of a middle school girl," she continued confidently. "i, myself, am between boyfriends right now. i don't have to be. but this time i'm holding out for a really good one. i've had it with the losers i've been dating. my next boyfriend will be ultimately cool."'
if stacey even tries to make it seem like cokie is some kind of tramp for being interested in boys, i'm going to vomit. she's the most boy crazy girl in the whole school, i mean, one of the first books of the entire series was called "boy crazy stacey" because she's fucking obsessed with guys. almost every single stacey book involves a love interest. if she says a single fucking word about cokie, or the book uses her interest in dating to try and illustrate that she is nothing but a brain dead bimbo or something, i think i'll have to go outside and smash some fucking plates or something, because my mind can't handle that level of utter hypocrisy.
'"what would make him ultimately cool?" i asked.
"the same thing that makes any person ultimately cool. good looks. nice clothes. he shouldn't be failing school, but he shouldn't be that excited about it either. you don't want someone who spends his life studying and uses words you have to look up. if he were captain of a team, that would be all right."'
this is basically how these cult morons think, too. which is why they viciously bash janine for being smart.
'"what about a good sense of humour, integrity, intelligence?" emily asked.
cokie gazed at her blankly. "those are okay, but they don't make you cool."'
3…2…1…
'"are you for real, cokie?" i couldn't help saying. "do you and your friends really think like that?"
"like what?"
"well, are good looks and nice clothes really on the top of our list? you mean you'd never even consider hanging around someone who didn't have the right clothes or who was plain?"'
SAYS THE GIRL WHO TRIED TO MAKE TESS OVER BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T LIKE HER CLOTHES OR HER LOOKS! AND DIDN'T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH HER UNTIL SHE CONFORMED TO STACEY'S IDEA OF COOL!
'"you mean someone like you?" she cracked.'
"actually, stacey, you could hang with us if you wanted to. you have the right look. but you would never consider it. you're just as snobby as you think my friends are. you only want to be with your little BSC pals because you think you're so much better than us."
that is such an impressive burn that i have a special song just for this occasion:
Click to viewand if disco isn't to your liking, have some talking heads:
either way, take a moment with me to listen to some tunes and celebrate that world class burn!
'i realized she was right. i did think my friends and i were better than cokie and her friends.'
well…at...least she can admit it? i…i guess?
'"oh, don't look so bent out of shape," she continued. "all groups think they're the best and don't want someone who doesn't fit in. even the geeks hang out with other geeks. i bet that, secretly, they think that being geeky is the only way to be. that's how it is in the world. at least that's how it is in middle school."
it wasn't exactly the most positive thing i've ever heard. but her theory did have a ring of truth to it.'
that's right stacey, don't be afraid to give credit where credit is due. and you so know that cokie has you and your little cult totally pegged. i bet everyone at school thinks you girls are a bunch of elitist snobs, it's not just cokie and her friends who think this. the only real difference between you and cokie is that you are a member of a cult that obsesses over babies.
'who would have guessed that cokie mason would give me something to think about seriously?'
i'm sure she'd give you a hell of a lot more to think about if you'd actually lower your sky high standards enough to talk to her.
this ridiculously long chapter finally ends with stacey musing about her project and dropping a massive foreshadowing bomb...
'our project was turning out to be surprisingly revealing. but the first two days of filming didn't prepare me for what was to come.'
CHAPTER EIGHT
sweet, this chapter starts out with yet another interview for the documentary! this time, it's claudia's turn. once again, they decide to film during lunchtime. i honestly don't know why they aren't filming after school hours, then their "subjects" wouldn't have to miss lunch. and how is stacey managing to skip lunch like this every day? i thought she had to be super strict about making sure she ate at certain times or else her pancreas would explode or something. whatever, suzanne. whatever.
they film claudia in the art room, because, as stacey puts it, she 'couldn't think of any place more suitable.' cuz character trait.
pete sits her by the window because the lighting is good. stacey tells us that claudia seemed perfectly at ease, 'probably because she was in her most natural environment.'
i love that she calls it claudia's 'most natural habitat,' because now i'm picturing how a nature documentary on claudia would go…
'here we see the rare claudius kishius species in it's natural habitat; buried in a magpie-like hoard of shiny, colourful objects. the claudius kishius also collects and hoards stores of sugary foodstuffs to keep it sustained throughout it's periods of intense hibernation. due to it's propensity towards sugar hoarding, it's nests are often populated by various exotic species of the cockroach family…'
stacey is proud of herself for thinking of filming claud in the art room, even though it was an obvious fucking no brainer. she thinks it means she's getting the hang of this whole movie making business.
even though she thinks she's improving and doing so well, she has to admit that emily's questions are still better than hers and provoke a much stronger response from their subjects. HAHA! 'probably because she was less polite, more probing. i decided i'd try to be a more hard-hitting interviewer from now on.' yeeaaah, good luck with that stacey.
'after all,' stacey muses. 'i'd been most direct with cokie and it had produced my most interesting interview so far.'
uh, BULLSHIT. cokie's was not the most interesting interview so far, jessi's was. i'm assuming stacey has washed jessi's interview from her mind with a couple of generous doses of kool-aid, so she won't have to report her to kristy.
either that or she's just talking about the interviews that she, herself, has done. whutevs.
even though she decided to be more hard-hitting, she opens with the same starter question they've asked everyone they've interviewed to date.
'"claudia, how was your day today?"
"excellent, completely excellent," she replied. "i love wednesday because i have art in the morning, followed by a study period. then i ask for a pass to come to the art room, so it's like having a double art period."
"you're such a terrific artist," i said. "which of the arts do you like best?"
she thought about it. "i can't decide. one month i think i'd like to spend all my time print-making. then, next, i'm totally into fashion design. i hope someday i'll be able to choose one. but for now i'm just having fun."'
gotta love how she makes sure to start out by stroking claudia's ego. but wait, this is her way of lulling her best friend into a false sense of security and ease.
'"is there anything you like about school besides art?" i asked.
her brow creased into a frown. "stacey, you know there isn't." she replied.
"pretend i'm not me," i whispered quickly, then i returned to my normal voice. "tell us a little about school."
claudia promptly freaks out.
'"i hate it! you know that!"
"what do you hate about it?"
she thought a moment. "i hate that it keeps me from doing what i love. i hate that it's so competitive too. you have to do well in middle school so you'll be placed in an honours class in high school, so that you'll get into a good college.""
since when do you give a shit about getting into an honours class, let alone college?
'"i suppose that's true," i commented. i hadn't thought of it that way before.'
really, stacey? REALLY? you've NEVER thought about this shit? pfft. they're really reaching with stacey's little revelatory moments during the interviews, because i don't fucking buy that she has never noticed this shit about school.
'"of course it is," she said. "if the thing you do well in is art, no one really cares. it's considered this very minor subject compared to english or math. i mean, where is the room for individuality?"
her voice calmed as she became more caught up in her subject. "there is none. you know, you hear all this talk about how you are the only unique you and everyone has their own special talent. it's what they say, but it's not the way the school operates. what they really mean is, do well in math, science, or language, and you'll be rewarded. otherwise, you're a failure."'
emily the journalist can't resist jumping in and asking a question of her own. she asks, "but hasn't the artist been misunderstood throughout history?" which is true, BUT, not going to make claudia feel any better. though, i guess the subjects feeling better isn't the point of these interviews. they are just single-mindedly trying to provoke reactions from their subjects to get exciting film. there is no way that this movie will be only ten minutes.
'"maybe so, but that doesn't make it right," claudia answered. "and the school shouldn't try to pretend they respect or reward individuality when they don't. they should just lay it out: we're going to make your life as difficult as we can."
"do you think it's really that extreme?" i asked. it seemed to me that she was going a bit overboard.'
yeah, claudia is just a big ol' conspiracy theorist, stacey. you know her 'claudia kishi ener-joy theory' about how eating sugar makes you happy and your joy helps you burn calories so you don't get fat? that's actually true. the government has been suppressing the truth about how sugar = happiness = thinness for decades, it's the biggest conspiracy of our times. that's why there is an obesity epidemic -- because all the sugar free, fat free foods we've been told are good for us have actually been making, and keeping, us fat all along.
claudia was right all this time…
now back to our regular scheduled programming…
'claudia folded her arms. "yes. absolutely."
wow. even though claudia is my best friend, i hadn't realized what she was up against or how angry it made her. these interviews certainly were an eye-opener for me.'
you've known claudia for nearly two non-time warp decades, and yet you didn't realize how hard of a time she was having with school? even after she almost had to quit the club because of her shitty grades? even after all the times you've had to help her with her homework and tutor her? even after she ended up getting sent back to seventh grade? fuck, you've known her during times when she wasn't allowed to do her homework unsupervised because her grades were so bad. not to mention the fact that her being shit in school is one of her main character traits! how the fuck could you not have realized that this is hard on her? jesus christ, stacey, all this book is proving so far is just how fucking oblivious and insensitive you are to the world around you--including the people who are supposed to be your "best friends."
next we find them in the SMS express office, about to interview emily, who is protesting, "i don't want to do this, i really have to get this edition out." by this point, pete has already started filming her. stacey tells her that that is why they're filming in the office, so she can work on the paper and be interviewed at the same time. yeah, that sounds like it'll work. it shouldn't be hard for her to focus on the paper at all with pete's camera all up in her face, you firing stupid questions at her and erica…doing whatever it is erica has been doing this whole time. which is nothing. she seems to have disappeared from the book, to be perfectly honest. she hasn't been mentioned in a long ass time, that's for sure.
where the fuck has erica gone, anyway? did she get sucked into the rift in the space time continuum that has been causing the time warp?!
emily sits at her desk trying to work and stacey asks her how her day was. YAWN!
'"very interesting. how was yours?"
"fine. but let's talk about you. do you like being editor of the paper?"
"most of the time i love it. sometimes the deadline pressure is overwhelming. kids don't turn in their articles on time. or sometimes they're so badly written i have to redo them. i suppose i like to take charge, though."
"you seem to be able to handle it," i agreed.
"you're a take-charge type too, stacey, but you don't take charge of anything," she observed. "why is that?"'
HAHA! i love how emily is turning the interview around onto stacey. it's either because she can't resist--what with her wanting to be a journalist and all, or it's her way of passive aggressively lashing out because she doesn't want to be interviewed herself. either way, it makes me laugh.
and yeah, why don't you take charge of anything, stacey? is it because you're afraid of the lil'est dictator's wrath?
'"well, my life is very busy. also, i'm always travelling back and forth to the city. i don't want to commit to things that might require me to be available on weekends when i--hey, wait!" i cried. "i'm interviewing you, remember?"
"oh, yeah," she said with a grin. she'd turned the tables on me.'
stacey tries to take back control of the interview by asking emily what the best part of her day is. god damn, stacey, what a boring motherfucking question. shit like this is why your interviews are totally subpar compared to emily's. and why she always has to step in when your lame interviews are floundering.
emily answers "english class and working on the paper." which causes stacey to inwardly bitch that, 'surprisingly, emily wasn't easy to interview. i sat for a second, stumped. what should i ask her next? none of the questions i'd prepared seemed right.'
that's because you suck at this, stacey. and because you haven't actually bothered to prepare questions. you stick to the same one or two questions and then wing it helplessly until emily comes to your rescue.
'"what's the best part for you?" she asked.
"oh, no you don't," i said.
"it's math, isn't it?" she continued. "i know you love math. but you can't make math into a career."
"of course you can," i cried. "there's plenty you can do with a college degree in math. there's physics, engineering."
"who would want to be an engineer?" she scoffed.'
total burn to all engineers out there. my husband went to college for computer engineering. emily's being a total fuckstick.
'"are you kidding? engineering is a huge field. you can plan bridges, or you can work on computer things, or you can design household appliances. you might even be involved in the space program or robotics. it's endless."'
vindication!
"is that what you'd like to do?" she asked.
"i'm not sure," i admitted. "all along i've been thinking i might go into engineering. but now i'm wondering if filmmaking might be fun. it's not a math field, but you have to know how to budget."
finally i realized she'd done it again. "is there some reason you don't want to talk about yourself?" i asked pointedly.'
now that is a good question, stacey. but only if emily doesn't find a way to bring it back around onto you.
'"no, but i'm a writer and a journalist. we're happier observing than being observed."
"you already consider yourself a journalist even though you're only thirteen?"
"yes, i do. i'm sure that's what i want to be."
"i wish i felt that certain about the future."'
jesus stacey, this time you've done it to yourself. if emily starts questioning you now, it's on you.
'"that's one of the biggest problems i see among middle school kids," she said. "fear of the future. it's so unknown that it can be terrifying."
"cut!" erica cried. "that stuff about the future would be a great way to end the film.'
oh, there's erica! all she ever gets to say is "cut!" so i don't even notice she's there.
'"it would be," pete agreed. "even though we found out more about the interviewer than the person being interviewed."
HAHA.
and the chapter still isn't over, because it's time to interview mary anne.
it's now lunchtime on thursday and they have sat mary anne down near the back entrance of the school where some daffodils are blooming. stacey tells us that emily had suggested mary anne as a subject, but she, stacey, isn't sure that mary anne would 'give a good interview'. wow, that's nice, stace. you're not a bitch at all.
'she's the best. but sometimes she's so sweet and polite that she doesn't always say what's on her mind because she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. also, she's more of a listener than a talker.' nothing wrong with that, stacey.
'maybe this was my chance to practice being a more dynamic interviewer. it might take that something extra to get a reaction from mary anne.'
so, basically she's straight up admitting that they are purposely pushing buttons to try and get a reaction from the people they're interviewing.
'"how was your day today, mary anne?" i asked, once erica had given me the go-ahead.
"the same as usual," she replied casually.
"how was your short takes egyptology class?"
she shrugged. "to be honest…a little boring. i thought i'd learn something more than i already knew. but so far it's been the same old information you hear on public television. i love those, but i thought this would tell me more."
"and it hasn't?"
"no. it's been a big fat bore."'
stacey tells us that she 'narrowed' her eyes at mary anne after this last comment. she claims that mary anne is 'a pretty even-tempered person', which makes me laugh because of all the times when mary anne totally lost her cool on someone.
'but today she seemed moody for some reason.'
i'd joke that maybe she finally started her period, but periods don't even exist in ann's world. actually, that's probably one of the only good things about this make believe town -- you'd never have to deal with having a period! not only that, but you'd never have to age. damn, that actually sounds like a good fucking deal -- i mean, seriously, endless youth and never having to deal with cramps? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!! just gotta kick kristy and her pre-teen militia out and it'll be pretty fucking close to utopia.
'"are you okay?" i asked, half forgetting pete was filming.
"i'm all right."
i figured everyone is entitled to a bad day. and there was no law that said she had to love her short takes class. so i continued. "mary anne, your friends know you as a sunny kind of person, someone who looks for the positive side of things. but don't you ever get mad?"'
wait wait wait wait WAIT! HOLD UP! a "sunny" kind of person? according to every single chapter two, mary anne cries like a baby at the drop of a hat! since when is she known as a happy-go-lucky, super positive person?
'"of course i do," she said harshly, in fact, it seemed i'd just made her mad. maybe that was good.'
maybe that was good? seriously? you're fucked up stacey, don't bait your friend. what the fuck do you think you are, a therapist or something? you're just a thirteen year old kid with a video camera on a fucking power trip. pushing people's buttons to try and make your silly little ten minute film exciting and dramatic, not even caring if you happen to upset the people you're interviewing along the way. bitch.
oh sweet jesus, i sound like derek zoolander!
about one minute, twenty seconds in.
'"well, what makes you angry?"
"lots of things. like…i don't know…like people who can't be nice. people who yell. the people at our school who think they're the best--you know who i mean."
she sighed. "i even get mad at teachers because they can be so unfair. some of them play favourites all the time."'
like stacey's math teacher, and mr. douche, for example.
and now we get to the part that makes this one of the most memorable and revealing interviews of the book...
'this was unexpected great stuff. "do you get mad at your parents?" i asked.
"sometimes. i know i shouldn't. especially with my mother. sometimes i am so mad at her."
"sharon?" i asked. i thought they had a good relationship.
"not sharon," she snapped. "my mother! i hate her for not being there. why did she have to die?"
mary anne stopped speaking as a stunned expression came over her face. it was as if she'd surprised herself with her last statement.
"can we stop now?" mary anne requested in a small voice. tears had come to her eyes.'
poor mary anne.
the chapter ends with erica telling pete to cut and mary anne walking away alone, wiping the tears from her eyes. instead of going after her friend to give her a hug or make sure she's okay, stacey and erica marvel at how "great" the interview was:
'"that was a great interview."
i nodded. it was probably the best one so far.
and from the last person i'd expected it from.'
CHAPTER NINE
NOOOO!! not a baby-sitting chapter!
i guess i'll just have to grin and bear it, because it seems kristy's current brand of insanity is featured heavily in this chapter! yup, she's so far gone that abby actually has words with her about it! in the club notebook, of course, because that's how the disciples of the BSC/k. ron roll when they have an issue with a fellow member--they trash talk them for all to see in the club notebook instead of talking to them about it woman to woman. ah, the passive aggression is strong in these girls.
'friday
kristy, you need to get a grip. you are completely power-mad with your film. you don't seem to care who you make mad or inconvenienced. maybe you should go to hollywood. you're showing all the obnoxious qualities it takes to make it big.'
wow, she really laid it all out there, didn't she? good job abby, next time say it to her face though.
so, what prompted abby's rage? she and kristy had a joint sitting job at the pike's that day and it turns out kristy decided to do double duty and be both baby-sitter and film-maker. considering the shit show she left in her wake when mary anne was sitting for the rodowsky's, this should be pretty fucking amazing.
abby got to the pike's before kristy so was there to answer the door when kristy showed up with the rest of the film crew.
'"hi, guys," she greeted them. she stifled a smile when she noticed alan. he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses--just to make it absolutely clear that he was the director.'
is a baseball cap and shades supposed to be the universal uniform of film directors or something? somehow i can't imagine wearing sunglasses on set to be very practical. well, maybe if you're filming outdoors on a really sunny day, but other than that it'd be kind of stupid. and everyone knows that the only person who has ever been able to come even close to getting away with wearing sunglasses at completely inappropriate times is corey hart:
anyone else just ends up looking like an addict or a total douchebag poseur.
anyway.
mrs. pike comes downstairs to say goodbye and whatnot. when she sees kristy and the film crew she turns to her monkey offspring and teases, "all right, kids, you'd better behave, because kristy is going to capture your every move on video."
that comment made me think about nanny-cams for some reason, and how things would've changed for the cult if people in stoneybrook had owned and used them. can you imagine? all of the child labour they force their sitting charges into doing would be caught on film! i'm sure at least some of the parents would be pissed off that their kids were being used as slave labour. man, the club would've ended up getting shut down in a matter of weeks due to the forced child labour issues alone!
vanessa lies, telling her mother, "we always behave," oh vanessa, you slay me! margo adds that they're better than that, they're excellent! which also makes me laugh. we learn that vanessa is writing in a notebook, margo is reading to claire and the triplets are playing a noisy game. where the fuck is nicky?
mother of the year asks the triplets why they aren't playing their game in the rec room and adam tells her it's because the light down there isn't working. jesus, pikes, change the lightbulbs once in awhile! i know you're adjusting to not having mallory there to parent the entire family and do all the grunt work, but jesus fucking christ, take care of shit! and also, kids? if something is broken and you're too young/short/inept to fix it yourselves, tell an adult as soon as possible, don't wait until they're heading out the door to go somewhere. this fucking family, man!
'mrs. pike sighed. "all right. i'll look at it when i get back."'
gotta love that long suffering sigh! it's like, bitch, you made that kind of shit mallory's job since she was ejected from your clown car of a womb, if anyone has a right to get all martyr-ish about that crap, it's your daughter! all i hear when mrs. pike sighs is, "boohoo, you mean i have to parent my own kids for a whole thirty seconds? waaahhh!!" i'm glad mallory ran away to boarding school. her family is fucking hopeless.
i bet you any money that light doesn't get fixed until mallory returns home on a school break. i can actually see the entire family ending up sitting in a dark house for months on end, because lightbulbs kept burning out and nobody bothered to replace them because they were waiting for mallory to come back and do it for them, as usual.
fuck i hate the pikes.
nicky comes in and asks if anyone wants to play catch with him. since it's nicky, he gets the shaft yet again. nobody ever wants to play with that kid. then mrs. pike fucks off to the hairdresser, because that's just how she rolls.
kristy jumps right in, because she's super eager to film little kids getting injured, and asks, "okay, kids, what can you show me?"
'"i've written you a poem," vanessa volunteered.
"let's have it," kristy said, aiming her camera at vanessa.
alan stepped between kristy and vanessa. "excuse me," he said sharply. "i believe it's my decision whether or not we film a poem."'
stand your ground, alan, vanessa's poetry is fucking painful even on a good day and i already have a migraine.
'"you're in my way, alan," kristy said calmly as she stepped around him. "go ahead, vanessa."
vanessa stood and held her pad in front of her. "hey, kids gather 'round/kristy's makin' a movie, complete with sound/it's all about kids who are silly, goofy, loopy, willy-nilly/so if you are feeling nutty, call up kristy--she'll be your buddy."'
jesus christ...
'kristy put down her camera. "that's excellent, vanessa. we'll introduce the film with this."
"that will be so cute," anna agreed.
"wait a minute!" alan cried. "did i say cut? i don't remember saying cut. and we're not starting the film with that poem." he turned to vanessa. "no offence, little girl, but this is not kristy's movie, so we can't use your poem."'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i love you alan. i love you.
'vanessa scowled at him. "don't call me little girl."'
you are a little girl, vanessa. sowwy, not sowwy!
'"don't listen to him," kristy told her.
logan stepped into the room from the doorway where he and anna had been standing with abby. "kristy, alan does have a point. and he is the director."'
*SLOWCLAP*
way to finally stand a stand, slowgan.
'"hey, look what i can do!" claire cried out.
kristy whirled toward her, camera held to her eye.
claire began to do a somersault on the couch. abby saw that she was about to veer off it and onto the coffee table. she tore across the room and caught claire mid-tumble.'
just want to add a note here that the typos in the ebook are still pretty frequent and confusing, so 'mid-tumble' is a total guess, the ebook says, '…and caught claire mutable'. my apologies for having to employ guesswork at times. i hope i'm not too far off in my guesses at least.
'"hey, why'd you do that?" kristy objected.'
uh, because claire, who is not only a sitting charge, but the baby sister of one of your so-called friends and cult members, was seconds away from a potentially serious injury? what happened to the importance of child safety, kristy? did you just throw up your hands and stop caring about the safety and wellbeing of your charges after poor jackie fell out of a tree on your watch? seriously, what the fuck is this? she's obsessed with capturing the kids that she claims to care about getting injured on camera.
'"because she was about to bang into the table and hurt herself," abby replied angrily. "how could you just stand there filming it?"
"she wasn't going to hit the table," kristy scoffed.'
Kristin Amanda Thomas would go on to work on A&E's Intervention. When asked how she could just stand there filming desperate junkies shooting up, she would scoff, "It's not like they're going to overdose or anything, besides, this makes for hilarious television! I know it makes me crack up when people are freaking out on bath salts, or trying to assault their family members in a drug-fuelled rage, i mean, that's comedic gold right there! I just wish A&E hadn't rejected my Great Idea ™ of including a laugh track, or my other Great Idea ™ for the name, 'America's Funniest Drug Addicts'"'
after that little exchange between abby and kristy, kristy films vanessa, margo and nicky singing 'a silly song about a goat who ate everything in sight but saved the day when he coughed up a wash line full of clothing he'd swallowed and flagged down a train that was about to crash.' that is one hell of a long song description when they could've just put in the damned song title, but ya know, what with word counts being what they are and all…
apparently this little performance involved throwing clothes into the air, though it isn't said whether the kids grabbed clothes from their rooms to throw around or just stripped naked and threw their clothes everywhere. scary. stacey tells us that abby had to go around gathering up the sneakers, headbands, sweaters and other assorted clothing items that had been thrown all over the damned place, while kristy just stood by filming the pike ape-child hybrids in their element.
'"look! film this!" byron called to her. she turned her camera toward him. he had climbed on adam's back. jordan was in the process of climbing onto byron's.
"not so close to that lamp," abby said warningly as she eyed the glass light fixture on the table next to them.
"we can't move now," adam grunted from the bottom of the pile.
"they're fine," kristy said as she filmed.'
she really doesn't care at all, does she? she's seriously banking on at least one of these kids getting hurt. i blame 'america's funniest home videos' for putting the idea that people getting hurt made for hilarious viewing. it was pretty much just videos of people falling off of shit, or walking into shit, or getting kicked in the nuts or having balls thrown at their nuts, getting their nuts crushed, etc etc, anything painful involving a dude's nuts, kids freaking out and having tantrums/crying, or gross shit like babies blowing insane snot bubbles and crap like that. i hated that show. it's totally where kristy got her inspiration for this stupid school project.
this is the kind of shit that kristy is praying for:
gotta love that circus music playing in the background as people get hurt, am i right?
'nicky began climbing on top of jordan while his brothers shouted for him to get down. "i can do it," he insisted. but as he put his knee on jordan's back, adam buckled and the whole stack came crashing down--into the table.
abby lunged for the lamp as it teetered to one side. she caught hold of the shade just as it was about to smash onto the floor.'
if i were abby, i'd be ready to smack kristy upside the head right about now. i mean, those kids just crashed into the fucking table, are they even okay?!
'she turned angrily toward kristy. "why don't we play this tape for mrs. pike and show her what a great baby-sitting job you're doing!"'
damn right you should! not that mrs. pike would care, because since when has she given a shit about her kids? but still, SHOW HER THAT SHIT!
actually, don't just show mrs. pike, abby, show ALL the club's clients. every single one of them. they should know what kind of fucking moron they are trusting to take care of their children. forget the nanny-cams showing forced child labour, kristy just filmed herself not only encouraging these kids to do stupid, dangerous shit that pretty much guaranteed injury, but it's also on film that she didn't do a damned thing when they actually got hurt. seriously, she didn't even check on the triplets and nicky! she didn't even fucking react. if i had kids, i sure as fuck wouldn't want someone like that baby-sitting them. screw that!
'"oh, chill, abby," kristy snapped at her.
"hey, you guys, don't fight," margo said.
"mind your own business, margo." abby barked at her.
margo's jaw dropped and tears welled in her eyes.
"now look what you've done," kristy cried.
"i'm sorry, margo," abby apologized. "really. i'm mad at kristy, not you."'
damn right. and she has every right to be mad at kristy. it's a good thing the club didn't last much longer after this ridiculous shit show went down.
'margo sniffed. "that's okay."
"what are you mad at me for?" kristy asked in disbelief. "i didn't do anything."
"well, you certainly haven't done any baby-sitting. you've been too busy being a one-woman filmmaking crew."
"i'll say," said alan.
"oh, alan, shut up," kristy said. "anyway, we're done for the day."'
yeah, because you finally got the money shot, right, kristy? you got your 'stupid kids getting injured' finale. speaking of kids getting injured, it really fucking bugs me that so far, NO ONE has checked on adam, byron, jordan and nicky to make sure that they're okay after crashing into a fucking table. they should be checking those kids over for even minor injuries for god's sake. what the fuck is wrong with everyone? i mean, i get abby and kristy are in the middle of world war three over here, but there are three other teenagers in the room, someone should have the presence of mind to go and check the kids over. fuck, logan is a member of this stupid baby worshipping cult and not even he is going to check on them! WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?
the chapter ends with alan telling kristy that he didn't say "cut." so she bitchily shouts, "CUT!" and still, no one has checked to see if the boys are okay.