Kristy for President! Part 1!
Well! Guess who messed up their sleep schedule again? Yes, it was me! Dio! Sure I should be working on some art but I angered myself by not doing a primer coat and needing 150 coats on a painting and used that as an excuse to procrastinate. So, I decided to work on my snark and man. Nothing happens in this book! It's way boring! It's probably in the top three most boring books I've read. It's by Nola Thacker who I don't know much about but I'd say she's even more boring than Ellen 'Aren't kids cute!' Miles. And I don't say that lightly. Well, let's go!
-Song of the Day!-
So, there are two covers (three counting the UK edition), so let's have a look at both:
Here's K Ron, David M, and Emily working in K Ron's oddly pink bedroom. I am really surprised Hodges was able to paint that many signs without putting in any unnecessary quotation marks. And nice work putting in effort to make a bandana for Shannon the Dog. I'm sure many of your fellow students will see it. That's some top notch campaigning.
This cover I've never seen before but it's better than the original one, I think. At least it shows the BSC at school for their school campaign. They even got their heights right! Claudia looks very bland and boring and Mary Anne is sporting my hairstyle.I wish it was bigger so I could tell if that was Mal in the background. Also, nice diversity. Can you name any non Jessi books that has a black person on the cover? Because I can't.
Chapter 1!
Ah hahahaha! Yes! Good! Exposition right off the bat! We get a whole superfluous paragraph about how Stacey is from New York and how they have subways and how she's so sophisticated. Blah blah blah blah blah! One of these days, I'll go through each BSC book and make a compilation of all the unnecessary parts just to see how much fat could be trimmed. An assembly is announced so everyone heads to the auditorium. During the assembly, the BSC is blatantly not paying attention and doing various things like drawing and homework. I tried to think if we we allowed to bring things to an assembly in middle school and came to the realization that we never had a single one all in my years there. So, let me know how your assemblies were if you had them.
Immortan K gawks at the special ed class and pats her ass about how she traumatized Susan that time. Ain't that a delight? She gets lost in thought thinking about how special Susan is and doesn't notice that there's a fire drill. Does that ever really happen? It seems like BSC books always has someone lost in thought to the point where they don't notice the apocalypse. I get lost in thought sometimes too but I sure as shit would notice a fucking fire alarm. How has the BSC survived so long when they forget to breathe thinking about how tall they are compared to their friend? I'm pretty sure they go near comatose just thinking about Claudia's wardrobe.
As everyone is trooping out, Immortan K hears a scream. It turns out Alan punched Cokie. What the fuck?! It's funny how this is glossed over as Alan being a 'goon' and even I thought nothing of it when I read this book originally, but Oh, my God! I would punch him right back! Keep your hands to yourself, you little shit! I cannot stand the whole 'Boys will be boys' mentality. Like that's an excuse from being a fucking decent human being. Anyways, while they're standing around outside, they learn there wasn't a fire drill, Alan and some guys just got up and walked out and everyone followed them. Well, that does explain why Immortan K didn't hear an alarm. But it also raises questions. If there was no alarm, why did anyone else get up? If the principal was onstage with a microphone, why didn't he say anything and stop them? Why didn't the teachers, who had to be there too, stop them? I would ask Ann but the answer is probably a G rated 'Fuck you'.
The BSC stands around asking why anyone would follow Alan when they just did, because critical thinking isn't a requirement in the 'Brook. Why do I always feel everyone in Stoneybrook would fail the IQ tests in Idiocracy? At lunch, we get all our beloved tropes like 'Hot lunch is gross but these idiots still buy it' and 'Dawn is so special because she only eats dry hay and weeping fungus'. We also get Ann's old standby 'Mention books much better than this one that you could be reading instead' by mentioning Bunnicula. They talk about how inedible the food is and Stacey tells K Ron she should run for class president and get that fixed. Uh, is that something in the class president's power? We never had elections in middle school so I never had a clue what class presidents and stuff even did. All I have to go on is Election which I don't think is a reliable source.
Chapter 2!
This chapter starts with exposition but moves on to an actual story. Not an important or interesting story but a story. It's a typical Saturday morning at the Brewer/Thomas household and after breakfast, the parents drop the kids on K Ron because of course they do. Immortan K takes them outside where Karen says she's gonna be a leaf collector and when David M says he'll be one to, she declares she's the boss. And of course, since she's Ann's pet, no one questions her authority or asks why she always has to be in charge of everything. Shannon the Human comes by and asks K Ron if she wants to go on a walk with her and Shannon the Dog. She says Astrid is gaining weight because even the animals must look like models in Ann's world. Just look at how Boo Boo is called the Devil. And he's old too and we know Ann hates the elderly even though her original address was 112 Ooga Booga Drive, Pangaea.
Immortan K says she can't go because she's watching the kids and when Shannon the Human asks about later she says she has another sitting job. Somehow this is supposed to be seen as bad thing even though baby-sitting is what K Ron is all about. Shannon the Human leaves and the kids play around in the leaves and only Emily is cute or tolerable. As K Ron is dancing around with Em, Bart comes over and K Ron pines a little over him. She says he's great because he doesn't find it weird that she's playing with kids. Way the set the bar high, Thomas. 'He doesn't find it odd that I, a baby-sitter, plays with kids! What a ~dreamboat!~' Bart asks her if she wants to go scout out the Bashers (whatever that means) but she again has to say no. And again we're supposed to think that K Ron would be upset about not being constantly watching kids.
Watson gets home from whatever the fuck he was doing, and Immortan K runs to her sitting job at the Newtons. I double check that this is indeed a chapter 2 because I've been reading it for several paragraphs and I still don't know that Mary Anne is shy or Jessi is black or Dawn once went rabid because someone drove by Burger King. Also it seems K Ron got to the Newtons on her own without needing a ride out of her shmancy neighborhood. Beautiful! At the Newtons, Jamie watches some kids ride their bikes outside and laments. K Ron asks if he wants to go ride his trike and he says no. He says he's getting a big boy bike soon and he'll go riding then. Confession time, gals. I have no idea how to ride a big girl's bike. No one ever taught me because my mum didn't like anything that gave me an opportunity to get away from her. I do plan on learning someday but I'd really rather have a Shire horse.
Man, this chapter may not have the usual exposition but it sure does drag. I keep expecting it to end or devolve into a usual chapter 2 but it just keeps throwing random non-plot my way. When K Ron gets home, her homework is interrupted by Stacey calling her. She says she's been thinking about it and she really thinks K Ron should run for class president. Why is Stacey so set on K Ron being president? If it's about the cafeteria food, she doesn't even eat it because diabetes. Does she think K Ron will make her dick measurer in chief? Immortan K says she'll think about it and the chapter finally ends. Part of me is glad but the other part of me is dreading the fact that I still need to read a standard chapter 2 somewheres.
Chapter 3!
And that somewheres is here. Immortan K gets to the BSC meeting and starts to exposit about Claudia and Janine. She says Janine talks 'formal' rather than 'like a robot' because Ann thinks smart people don't know how to behave like normal humans. Also 10 to 1 Janine is just trolling everyone and laughs about it with her friends. 'I used a word with more than two syllables on my sister and she had an aneurysm!' How else do you explain this outfit?-'lime green bicycle pants, a long, long bright pink shirt, and a cropped lime green striped shirt over that. She was also wearing black hightop leather sneakers with pink butterfly barrettes clipped to the laces. She had two feather earrings in one ear (lime green, of course), and a tiny pink heart in the other.' And of course we get the usual 'only Claudia could pull this off' because you should always tell little girls that they can't look good unless they're a certain race.
Dawn is called 'striking looking' which is another way of saying she has constant bitchface. She also apparently eats 'real, live fruit'. What does that even mean?! Is my dried mango not considered a fruit?! Does K Ron think that oh, I dunno, fruit pies count as fruit?! What's with the constant connotation of 'real, live'? Why is talking about fruit with the same wording she uses on her stepdad?! The way she says it, it sounds like Dawn eats fruit of the branch without picking it! Which I wouldn't put past her! Goddamn, I wish my tablet worked!
Stacey is dressed as Jem meets Harley Quinn in-'a black skirt and tights that were two colors: one leg was red and the other was black. And her shoes were shiny black and laced up to the ankles. She was also wearing this enormous black turtleneck sweater with red flecks in it, and one round red earring and one square black one. Her hair, which was in a mid-perm stage around her face, was pulled back with this silver lamé band.' Ho, shit! I know exactly what that headband looks like! They were those puffy 90s monstrosities that exactly no one looked good in! And in silver lamé?! Hee hee! Oh, man! Talk about a classic horrible look!
Once K Ron calls the meeting to order, Stacey says she sounds like a class president. Gawd, Stacey, hop off her dick already. Does she really think she's gonna reap benefits if K Ron makes president? I can't see her caring about this so much if she didn't. She'd blow the president if she thought he'd declare Bloomingdale's a national monument. They talk about how the school play is going to be Mary Poppins and declare that 'babyish' and uh, how bad do you think Stacey's sweating? Nola Thacker obviously didn't read her cheat sheet. They use this as further evidence K Ron should run for prez because she'll get to say what play they'll put on. Yeah, and? She'll pick some juvenile shit that needs casting from the grade school so she can get the BSC involved. K Ron finally concedes and says fine, she'll run. Mal is like 'I'm gonna run for secretary!' and no one cares. Of course they don't. Claudia says 'Kristy for president!' (roll credits!) and K Ron says that does sound good. Because it's not like she's already president of the BSC.
Chapter 4!
I really don't care about Jamie learning to ride a bike so I'll just share these BSC icons I made. Feel free to use them!
Chapter 5!
At the end of another BSC meeting, Jessi and Mal go off to a sitting job and the other girls plan to campaign. The first thing they do is order a pizza. Which Dawn states is 'good nutrition' because she wants mushrooms and not pepperoni. That's adorable. I can't wait for her to develop anemia and die. They order the healthy pizza and talk about the other nominees. They say Alan would probably kiss hands and shake babies which is a pretty dark joke if you think about it. Did Nola not know people murder babies through shaking? Morbid. The other candidates are Grace and Pete. Mary Anne says Pete's not bad but K Ron says he can be immature. I don't really recall him ever being immature except that one instance of snapping that girl's bra strap. They're just trying to make people look bad compared to Immortan K even though she's the dictator.
As they're working, Janine brings the pizza and K Ron compares Claudia and Janine's outfits-'white jeans, red shoes with big bows, a tropical jungle shirt with each button shaped like a piece of fruit, and her hair pulled to one side over her shoulder with a banana barrette. But Janine, with her short hair and bangs, her pullover sweater, and plain skirt and loafers, made Claudia look extremely exotic.' If you're using exotic in the same way you'd describe one of those diseases you get from monkeys, I agree. White jeans and red shoes? Eeeegghhhhh. A tropical, jungle shirt with fruit buttons? Blaaaaaarghhh. The rest of the chapter is unremarkable other than some random italicizing of the word pizza.
-Song of the Day!-
So, there are two covers (three counting the UK edition), so let's have a look at both:
Here's K Ron, David M, and Emily working in K Ron's oddly pink bedroom. I am really surprised Hodges was able to paint that many signs without putting in any unnecessary quotation marks. And nice work putting in effort to make a bandana for Shannon the Dog. I'm sure many of your fellow students will see it. That's some top notch campaigning.
This cover I've never seen before but it's better than the original one, I think. At least it shows the BSC at school for their school campaign. They even got their heights right! Claudia looks very bland and boring and Mary Anne is sporting my hairstyle.I wish it was bigger so I could tell if that was Mal in the background. Also, nice diversity. Can you name any non Jessi books that has a black person on the cover? Because I can't.
Chapter 1!
Ah hahahaha! Yes! Good! Exposition right off the bat! We get a whole superfluous paragraph about how Stacey is from New York and how they have subways and how she's so sophisticated. Blah blah blah blah blah! One of these days, I'll go through each BSC book and make a compilation of all the unnecessary parts just to see how much fat could be trimmed. An assembly is announced so everyone heads to the auditorium. During the assembly, the BSC is blatantly not paying attention and doing various things like drawing and homework. I tried to think if we we allowed to bring things to an assembly in middle school and came to the realization that we never had a single one all in my years there. So, let me know how your assemblies were if you had them.
Immortan K gawks at the special ed class and pats her ass about how she traumatized Susan that time. Ain't that a delight? She gets lost in thought thinking about how special Susan is and doesn't notice that there's a fire drill. Does that ever really happen? It seems like BSC books always has someone lost in thought to the point where they don't notice the apocalypse. I get lost in thought sometimes too but I sure as shit would notice a fucking fire alarm. How has the BSC survived so long when they forget to breathe thinking about how tall they are compared to their friend? I'm pretty sure they go near comatose just thinking about Claudia's wardrobe.
As everyone is trooping out, Immortan K hears a scream. It turns out Alan punched Cokie. What the fuck?! It's funny how this is glossed over as Alan being a 'goon' and even I thought nothing of it when I read this book originally, but Oh, my God! I would punch him right back! Keep your hands to yourself, you little shit! I cannot stand the whole 'Boys will be boys' mentality. Like that's an excuse from being a fucking decent human being. Anyways, while they're standing around outside, they learn there wasn't a fire drill, Alan and some guys just got up and walked out and everyone followed them. Well, that does explain why Immortan K didn't hear an alarm. But it also raises questions. If there was no alarm, why did anyone else get up? If the principal was onstage with a microphone, why didn't he say anything and stop them? Why didn't the teachers, who had to be there too, stop them? I would ask Ann but the answer is probably a G rated 'Fuck you'.
The BSC stands around asking why anyone would follow Alan when they just did, because critical thinking isn't a requirement in the 'Brook. Why do I always feel everyone in Stoneybrook would fail the IQ tests in Idiocracy? At lunch, we get all our beloved tropes like 'Hot lunch is gross but these idiots still buy it' and 'Dawn is so special because she only eats dry hay and weeping fungus'. We also get Ann's old standby 'Mention books much better than this one that you could be reading instead' by mentioning Bunnicula. They talk about how inedible the food is and Stacey tells K Ron she should run for class president and get that fixed. Uh, is that something in the class president's power? We never had elections in middle school so I never had a clue what class presidents and stuff even did. All I have to go on is Election which I don't think is a reliable source.
Chapter 2!
This chapter starts with exposition but moves on to an actual story. Not an important or interesting story but a story. It's a typical Saturday morning at the Brewer/Thomas household and after breakfast, the parents drop the kids on K Ron because of course they do. Immortan K takes them outside where Karen says she's gonna be a leaf collector and when David M says he'll be one to, she declares she's the boss. And of course, since she's Ann's pet, no one questions her authority or asks why she always has to be in charge of everything. Shannon the Human comes by and asks K Ron if she wants to go on a walk with her and Shannon the Dog. She says Astrid is gaining weight because even the animals must look like models in Ann's world. Just look at how Boo Boo is called the Devil. And he's old too and we know Ann hates the elderly even though her original address was 112 Ooga Booga Drive, Pangaea.
Immortan K says she can't go because she's watching the kids and when Shannon the Human asks about later she says she has another sitting job. Somehow this is supposed to be seen as bad thing even though baby-sitting is what K Ron is all about. Shannon the Human leaves and the kids play around in the leaves and only Emily is cute or tolerable. As K Ron is dancing around with Em, Bart comes over and K Ron pines a little over him. She says he's great because he doesn't find it weird that she's playing with kids. Way the set the bar high, Thomas. 'He doesn't find it odd that I, a baby-sitter, plays with kids! What a ~dreamboat!~' Bart asks her if she wants to go scout out the Bashers (whatever that means) but she again has to say no. And again we're supposed to think that K Ron would be upset about not being constantly watching kids.
Watson gets home from whatever the fuck he was doing, and Immortan K runs to her sitting job at the Newtons. I double check that this is indeed a chapter 2 because I've been reading it for several paragraphs and I still don't know that Mary Anne is shy or Jessi is black or Dawn once went rabid because someone drove by Burger King. Also it seems K Ron got to the Newtons on her own without needing a ride out of her shmancy neighborhood. Beautiful! At the Newtons, Jamie watches some kids ride their bikes outside and laments. K Ron asks if he wants to go ride his trike and he says no. He says he's getting a big boy bike soon and he'll go riding then. Confession time, gals. I have no idea how to ride a big girl's bike. No one ever taught me because my mum didn't like anything that gave me an opportunity to get away from her. I do plan on learning someday but I'd really rather have a Shire horse.
Man, this chapter may not have the usual exposition but it sure does drag. I keep expecting it to end or devolve into a usual chapter 2 but it just keeps throwing random non-plot my way. When K Ron gets home, her homework is interrupted by Stacey calling her. She says she's been thinking about it and she really thinks K Ron should run for class president. Why is Stacey so set on K Ron being president? If it's about the cafeteria food, she doesn't even eat it because diabetes. Does she think K Ron will make her dick measurer in chief? Immortan K says she'll think about it and the chapter finally ends. Part of me is glad but the other part of me is dreading the fact that I still need to read a standard chapter 2 somewheres.
Chapter 3!
And that somewheres is here. Immortan K gets to the BSC meeting and starts to exposit about Claudia and Janine. She says Janine talks 'formal' rather than 'like a robot' because Ann thinks smart people don't know how to behave like normal humans. Also 10 to 1 Janine is just trolling everyone and laughs about it with her friends. 'I used a word with more than two syllables on my sister and she had an aneurysm!' How else do you explain this outfit?-'lime green bicycle pants, a long, long bright pink shirt, and a cropped lime green striped shirt over that. She was also wearing black hightop leather sneakers with pink butterfly barrettes clipped to the laces. She had two feather earrings in one ear (lime green, of course), and a tiny pink heart in the other.' And of course we get the usual 'only Claudia could pull this off' because you should always tell little girls that they can't look good unless they're a certain race.
Dawn is called 'striking looking' which is another way of saying she has constant bitchface. She also apparently eats 'real, live fruit'. What does that even mean?! Is my dried mango not considered a fruit?! Does K Ron think that oh, I dunno, fruit pies count as fruit?! What's with the constant connotation of 'real, live'? Why is talking about fruit with the same wording she uses on her stepdad?! The way she says it, it sounds like Dawn eats fruit of the branch without picking it! Which I wouldn't put past her! Goddamn, I wish my tablet worked!
Stacey is dressed as Jem meets Harley Quinn in-'a black skirt and tights that were two colors: one leg was red and the other was black. And her shoes were shiny black and laced up to the ankles. She was also wearing this enormous black turtleneck sweater with red flecks in it, and one round red earring and one square black one. Her hair, which was in a mid-perm stage around her face, was pulled back with this silver lamé band.' Ho, shit! I know exactly what that headband looks like! They were those puffy 90s monstrosities that exactly no one looked good in! And in silver lamé?! Hee hee! Oh, man! Talk about a classic horrible look!
Once K Ron calls the meeting to order, Stacey says she sounds like a class president. Gawd, Stacey, hop off her dick already. Does she really think she's gonna reap benefits if K Ron makes president? I can't see her caring about this so much if she didn't. She'd blow the president if she thought he'd declare Bloomingdale's a national monument. They talk about how the school play is going to be Mary Poppins and declare that 'babyish' and uh, how bad do you think Stacey's sweating? Nola Thacker obviously didn't read her cheat sheet. They use this as further evidence K Ron should run for prez because she'll get to say what play they'll put on. Yeah, and? She'll pick some juvenile shit that needs casting from the grade school so she can get the BSC involved. K Ron finally concedes and says fine, she'll run. Mal is like 'I'm gonna run for secretary!' and no one cares. Of course they don't. Claudia says 'Kristy for president!' (roll credits!) and K Ron says that does sound good. Because it's not like she's already president of the BSC.
Chapter 4!
I really don't care about Jamie learning to ride a bike so I'll just share these BSC icons I made. Feel free to use them!
Chapter 5!
At the end of another BSC meeting, Jessi and Mal go off to a sitting job and the other girls plan to campaign. The first thing they do is order a pizza. Which Dawn states is 'good nutrition' because she wants mushrooms and not pepperoni. That's adorable. I can't wait for her to develop anemia and die. They order the healthy pizza and talk about the other nominees. They say Alan would probably kiss hands and shake babies which is a pretty dark joke if you think about it. Did Nola not know people murder babies through shaking? Morbid. The other candidates are Grace and Pete. Mary Anne says Pete's not bad but K Ron says he can be immature. I don't really recall him ever being immature except that one instance of snapping that girl's bra strap. They're just trying to make people look bad compared to Immortan K even though she's the dictator.
As they're working, Janine brings the pizza and K Ron compares Claudia and Janine's outfits-'white jeans, red shoes with big bows, a tropical jungle shirt with each button shaped like a piece of fruit, and her hair pulled to one side over her shoulder with a banana barrette. But Janine, with her short hair and bangs, her pullover sweater, and plain skirt and loafers, made Claudia look extremely exotic.' If you're using exotic in the same way you'd describe one of those diseases you get from monkeys, I agree. White jeans and red shoes? Eeeegghhhhh. A tropical, jungle shirt with fruit buttons? Blaaaaaarghhh. The rest of the chapter is unremarkable other than some random italicizing of the word pizza.