#20 Kristy and the Walking Disaster Part 2 (Chapters 5-8)
Part 1: http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/556240.html
I apologize for the delay on publishing this snark. I got a surprise email about a job I applied for like two months ago and then had a phone interview which led to an in-person interview this coming Tuesday! The day of the phone interview left me all nervous and out of sorts, and I never get nervous about stuff anymore. I guess that means this job is a big fucking deal. So pray for me, burn a candle, sacrifice a small animal, or whatever falls within your beliefs for wishing someone good luck.
In the last installment of this snark, Kristy harshly judged the athletic skills of nearly every child in Stoneybrook with the end goal of putting together a softball team for rejects while she developed a fat crush on Bart Taylor. Is Bart all that, by the way? I don't recall seeing cover art that features him. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all, but I wonder how Bart stacks up against established teen dreamboat Logan Bruno. I'd rather debate Bart's relative hotness than read more baseball abuse in this book.
Chapter 5
Kristy shows up at the Rodowsky homestead for her scheduled baby-sitting job. I find it funny that the book shifts from one family that's actually annoying (the Perkinseseseses) to a family that's portrayed as annoying (the Rodowskys) and we're supposed to buy that a well-intentioned clumsy kid is worse than the Mary Sue family from hell.
Kristy even says that Jackie is a nice kid and she likes to sit for him, but that's not enough to redeem him from being a destroyer of worlds.
The Rodowsky boys are throwing a birthday party for their dog, Bo.
(Not the Obamas dog)
Kristy likes this idea because she's a dog person and Mrs. R is heading out to get a cake with Bo's name on it. I have to say that’s a pretty awesome mom, to play along with the kids' idea to throw the family dog a real live party with a cake and everything.
The boys are putting the finishing touches on the party and Jackie insists on making the lemonade himself. It's as simple as just adding water and Kristy still wants to supervise, but Jackie shoots that down because he's "not a baby."
The youngest Rodowski, four-year-old Archie, enlists Kristy's help to find the birthday candles and she calls him "Red." Which is better than "ginger," I guess.
Personally I don't know where the assumption that red-headed people were weird or gross or paranormal came from, but that also might be because I color my hair different shades of red; my natural color is dark brown. Or maybe because I think making fun of people based solely on their appearance is a shitty thing to do. But without this made up nonsense, we wouldn't have Pinterest atrocities like these:
As Kristy and Archie look for the candles in the basement, that old Jackie is causing trouble in the kitchen by spilling the lemonade all over the place. They clean it up while Kristy internally monologues about how Jackie is the cause of everything bad in the world including the fall of Western Civilization. I spill shit all the time and I'm nearly 33 years old. It's not the end of the world, Kristy. Not even when I spill used coffee grounds all over the freshly mopped floor. That's just World War III.
Kristy orders the boys to play outside because she thinks fewer disasters can occur in an open area. Shea, the oldest boy, says he needs to practice for Little League and Kristy asks Jackie if he's on a team. Shea snorts rudely at that but Kristy says nothing. I'm sorry, but my grandmother (who raised me) would have ended me if I was rude like that. I've adopted her zero tolerance for rudeness and I find myself wanting to slap the freckles off Shea's snotty little face after that stunt.
Jackie and Archie try their hand at hitting with Kristy tossing some balls to them. Both try hard but miss the ball. Kristy observes that Archie is left-handed, which "makes things a little more difficult."
And now we have our first instance of baseball inconsistency. I'm going to get technical and break down why Kristy's full of shit.
Left-handed hitters are prized because most pitchers are right-handed, and typical hitter/pitcher matchups tend to favor opposite versus opposite. There are exceptions, of course, but the usual rule is that a left-handed hitter like Archie would do better against a right-handed pitcher rather than a left-hander. Further, some of the greatest hitters in the history of the game were left-handed: Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and those from my time, Barry Bonds and Tony Gwynn.
Barry Bonds hits against one of the toughest left-handed pitchers of all time, Randy Johnson
I don't know which side Kristy throws from (I assume the right), but since that detail is left out, there's nothing about a naturally left-handed hitter that would make him struggle just because he hits from the left side. Further, most batters who hit left aren't natural lefties and thus they have to learn how to swing from that side of the plate-that goes double for those who become switch hitters (batters who hit from both sides of the plate). So really, there's no reason for Archie to naturally struggle as Kristy says he should.
Granted, I didn't know these things as a 13-year-old baseball fan, but I certainly didn’t talk about it like I knew about it, either. If you're interested in a really detailed breakdown of why left-handed hitters have a natural advantage, read this really well-written piece from The Hardball Times: http://www.hardballtimes.com/the-advantage-of-batting-left-handed/
Shea steps up and hits Kristy's pitch out of the yard. He's already proven his superiority over his fuckup younger brother, who asks Kristy if he can pitch. Shea again shows us that he's an insolent shit by muttering sarcastic remarks about Jackie's baseball prowess and Kristy does nothing about it. She makes a big-ass deal about how Jackie is a handful because he spills beverages and stuff, but Shea gets away with being a rude little pig. Okay.
Jackie gears up to throw a pitch and somehow bends the laws of physics because despite throwing the ball right to Shea, his pitch hits the house next door and ends up in the rain gutter on the roof. Jackie hunts in the garage for another ball while Kristy calls Jackie a disaster and says she admires him because he reminds her of DM with his determination to play against all odds, including his tendency to fuck everything up for everyone.
…I really don't know what to do with that. That's the most backhanded way to compliment a person that I've ever seen. "I love you even though you're an incompetent mess." I just don't know, guys.
Jackie comes back with a tennis ball and the game resumes. Jackie makes solid contact on a pitch but Shea catches it on the fly. Jackie keeps running hell bent for election and Shea tags him out at home. He also says that Jackie will never make it to Little League.
When did Shea become such a shady little shitbag?
Jackie isn't having Shea's attitude and says he'll make it through sheer force of will and hard work…and then trips over his shoelace. While standing? Were he and Shea running while arguing? How in the hell does this happen? I guess ANM wants us to believe in Jackie's innate clumsiness so badly that she'll write narrative that's physically impossible to achieve in real life.
Unless Jackie is a cat, which would make a lot of sense.
Kristy wants Jackie for the team, though, because he tries really hard and won't give up. Jackie is psyched when Kristy tells him about the team and she's all proud of herself and tells us that Watson was really cool about helping her out. That would have been a nice scene to have play out in real time in the chapter, but instead Watson is relegated solely to the narrative thus far. Kinda like Kristy's bio dad, which makes sense for a girl with daddy issues.
Later that day, Kristy gets phone calls from BSC members offering up recruits for the team: Matt Braddock, the younger Pike kids (Nicky, Claire, and Margo, but not Vanessa or the triplets because Vanessa's too busy busting rhymes and the triplets are already in Little League), two of the three Barrett kids (I assume Buddy and Suzi, but that's really vague and if you're not a frequent reader of the series you won't know that Marnie's automatically out because she's too young, although she's only a half year younger than Gabbie Perkins who can solve differential equations and recite monologues from Julius Caesar) plus three friends of the Barretts that Kristy's never heard of. Claudia calls and is bummed that she can't find anyone to play for Kristy's team, but it's all good because Kristy already has 20 signed up!
Chapter 6
Kristy starts the logistics stage of creating this team of hers and writes out a list of the kids' names, ages, and any specific notes on playing ability and special needs. Surprisingly, Kristy acknowledges things like Gabbie's inability to understand the rules of the game, but fails for writing "a walking disaster" next to Jackie's name.
Other notes include times and dates to meet for practices, the purpose of her team, who would help, and if Bart thinks she's cute.
I think all of these are excellent questions and relevant to her interests, except that she already has the purpose of her team and she's mentioned it several times in the narrative: to allow kids who are too young, too terrible, or otherwise not able to play ball, to play ball.
Watson helps secure the playground at Stoneybrook Elementary for team use on Tuesday and Saturday afternoons. The BSC members are on board, too, even as most of them don't know shit about sports. Kristy mentions that Watson helped her figure out the mission statement for the team without saying "one jerky thing" which shows me that she's still really wary about him. I get that, actually. I was wary about my mom's current husband because of her terrible track record with men and the fact that this dude was just plain new. It took me a long time to understand that he's a good fit for her and a good guy overall. And he's super into baseball just like me. Even so, I still feel awkward around him at times, and my daddy issues are almost non-existent. Somehow, this half paragraph from the book conveys more truth, honesty, and emotion than everything else written before and after it.
She also promises that she will never lose her temper with any kid, but says nothing about internally judging them and constantly thinking that they suck.
As for Bart, she's all tied up in knots over him. She vows to put him out of her mind because they have different friends and different schools. Fortunately, she has her horrible softball team to distract her from boy trouble!
The first practice is on Saturday. Kristy suddenly feels nervous and on the spot because parents are there with their kids, and I get that. When I was coaching swimming for the kids I didn't like having the parents around. I could feel them judging me. Fortunately I had someone to shoo them away from the pool deck and I could do my thing, but in Kristy's case she's up there without a net.
Kristy points out the new kids: the Kuhns, who like most Stoneybrook kids have little to no personality. The only noteworthy thing about them in this book is Laurel's crippling shyness.
Then she tells the kids how the practices will go: coaching and skills in the beginning, followed by a game. She tells them not to worry about being terrible at baseball or at life, because there's no pressure. There's a boatload of borrowed equipment at their disposal too: bats, balls, catcher's gear, mitts, etc.
She makes sure the kids know that Matt Braddock is deaf and she'll show the team signs that they need to know to communicate baseball with him. Most of the kids seem to know at least some sign language, which is a nice if unrealistic detail. I wish we lived in a world where people were motivated to learn communication skills and include everyone, but the fact of the matter is that humanity sucks as a whole, so this whole thing comes off as kind of unbelievable.
Forgive my cynicism
Kristy is ready to yell "play ball!" but Jackie says they need a team name. Through shouting kids and Karen's pedantic bullshit about spelling, the iconique Kristy's Krushers team name is born, along with pre-Café Press T-shirts with iron-on letters procured at Woolworth's (RIP).
The newly minted Krushers finally get their first game going and as expected, it's a mess, from the way the kids actually play ball to the way this section is written. The way ANM wrote this makes it seem like every kid gets one pitch per at-bat. Laurel K isn't into the game and would rather make dandelion chains in the outfield. Gabbie gets a hit with the wiffle ball but is slowed down by sudden, overwhelming laughter. I've seen both things in my coaching career, so I can't snark that.
Jackie hits the ball solidly…into the trees behind the school. Kristy declares it a foul ball, which isn't a hit as described in the narrative. A hit is a ball in play that results in a batter reaching base, without the benefit of a defensive error or other action like interference from a fielder. In baseball, hits aren't just when the batter makes contact with a ball. God damn it, ANM.
The ball is lost, much like my sanity, and Kristy calls game over. Some shady little ape mutters that it's all Jackie's fault.
Kristy feels like she accomplished something. The kids call her "coach" and nobody cried or got hurt. Truthfully, that’s about all I expected from a typical workout when I was coaching.
Chapter 7
"Mallery" and Claudia are "babby"-sitting for the Pikes and writing back in the forth in the BSC notebook. I don't know what's worse-the author writing out Claudia's terrible spelling or the author writing out these notebook entries.
It's the second time in this book that Mallory has hinted at Claire's softball tantrums, and this chapter we actually get to see her in full effect. Before all that, the chapter starts with Kristy discussing how awesome the Pikes are for embracing Matt and Haley Braddock, which again comes off as overwhelmingly false to me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a soulless goon.
Claudia and Mallory are hanging out in the Pike's backyard with the Pike kids plus the Braddocks and Jessi. The triplets try to get some ball going with Matt, who's apparently the best non-Little League ballplayer in Stoneybrook. The triplets think that Kristy's Krushers ain't shit, but since Matt's on the team they refrain from insulting their friend. I can't tell if that's passive-aggressive or civil.
The triplets challenge the Krushers to a game and act like snooty like shits about it. Matt throws shade back via sign language, saying that the Krushers could "beat the pants off you Little Leaguers."
The two teams jibe back and forth and Jordan shits all over Claire's hitting ability, to which she says it ain't no thang because she can catch the ball. I have to agree with her; I'd much rather have someone who can catch the ball over someone who can't hit all that well. You can always make up for a lack of offense in the lineup, but it's a lot harder to overcome someone who fields poorly. Someone who plays in Little League should know that, Jordan.
Matt steps in as the first batter of the game and gets a solid triple. Nicky strikes out and Margo has a quality at-bat with seven foul balls and eventually she works a walk, which is the mark of a good hitter. If you can stay on top of the ball enough to protect the strike zone, make contact, tire out the pitcher, and then get a walk, that's good hitting. Also, Margo did this while Adam was trying to psych her out.
Nicky coaches the next batter, Claire, by saying she can do it even though she's never made contact with a ball in her life. Good one, Nick. According to the narrative, this is an example of Nicky being nice to his sister, because otherwise he behaves like a woman-hating manchild.
Claire strikes out and Mallory battens down the hatches expecting a tantrum, but Claire remains calm-for now. Then Nicky crushes a ball and gets both runners home on a double. Kristy buts into the narrative to describe how proud she would be if she was there to witness this successful half-inning, but then Claire ruins it by pitching her shitfit after Matt strikes out for out number three.
Mallory tells us that Claire only throws tantrums about baseball, even with games on TV. When my team, the San Francisco Giants, fuck up, I get really mad too. I can't believe I identify with Claire Pike, but them's the breaks.
The triplets come up for their turn at bat and score a bunch of runs. The game ends up a blowout in favor of the triplets, with a score of 16-5, but the Krushers fight hard until the end. Moral victories seem to be all this team can achieve.
Chapter 8
Another Krushers practice begins with the kids being distracted, including Claire climbing a tree, Karen antagonizing Andrew, and Jamie walking on a bat. Claudia is there for moral support, but is more interested in candy than the kids. I have to agree with her there.
The kids are a disorganized mess, but the secret word of the day is "Krushers." Rather than send the kids into a further tizzy like the Word of the Day on Peewee's Playhouse, the utterance of the team name snaps the kids to attention.
Kristy tries out Jamie as a pitcher, because he's afraid of the ball as a hitter. Here's another sigh-inducing baseball fail. The ball travels at least twice as fast off the bat than it does as a pitch and a hit up the middle can really hurt if the pitcher's unlucky enough to be in the path, which I think is a lot scarier than just standing in the batter's box. I've seen some pitchers get hit in the head with a comebacker hit and the results aren't pretty. Although Kristy puts Jamie with Claire as a hitter and muses that if Claire actually did hit the ball, Jamie might try to catch it.
Kristy flubs her signing with Matt and thinks she said something like "pricing an elephant" while Claudia is bored out of her freakin' gourd. If I've learned anything as a die-hard baseball fan, it's very hard to get someone into the game if they don't like or care about sports. Claudia is a prime example of that.
Finally they get to the game portion of the practice and Jackie gets a hit! He makes it to second base and steals third. Myriah Perkins gets a hit and here comes Jackie running onto home…but then he trips and falls down and is tagged out.
Jackie is behind home plate as the catcher for the next half inning and instead of wearing the catcher's mask, he took it off to press his gum into the mask to make a waffle pattern. This is the first instance of Jackie exhibiting stupid and/or irresponsible behavior, definitely way worse than spilling a pitcher of lemonade. He's old enough to know that sticking chewed gum on something is a bad idea and that goes double for something that doesn't belong to him. But I choose to blame Kristy for not instructing him on the proper use of protective catcher's gear like the mask. Serious injuries can occur in baseball and softball. That's why protective equipment exists. Way to go, coach.
Jamie's at bat and he ducks the pitch, natch, which hits Jackie right in the mouth. He's bleeding but no teeth are knocked out, and Kristy has to remind us that loose, bloody teeth gross her out like nothing else. Claudia springs into action and offers to pull Jackie's tooth, which is barely hanging on to his gums. This is all pretty gross and I wouldn't feel comfortable dealing with a situation like that without a first aid kit on hand. I've had coaching sessions and practices where kids got bloody noses, cuts, and other minor injuries and I patched them up, but in the case of something like bloody teeth, no way. I'd send the kid home because it's not sanitary and I would want him to get care in the hands on his parents.
Practice ends and Kristy asks the kids about the team shirts, ordering them to wear the shirts to the next practice. After she and the other Thomas-Brewer kids get home, Kristy starts thinking about Bart again. She negotiates a swap with DM: she'll walk Shannon (the dog) if he learns five baseball signs to help Matt B. Little did he know that it was all part of her master plan to flirt with Bart!
She runs into Bart, who's walking his big-ass Rottweiler named Twinkle, who despite his mean exterior is a big softy. The dogs are okay so the two humans talk about their respective teams. Bart reveals his team is called the Bashers and inadvertently calls the Krushers babies after Kristy asks if any of his kids duck the ball.
Then the streetlights come on and make Bart's hair shiny, and Kristy gets all goopy over him.
Bart challenges the Krushers to a game and Kristy's not so sure. After all, she still thinks they suck. But her pride gets the better of her and she agrees to pit her much younger, much crappier team against the Bashers in an ill-advised baseball contest in two weeks.
They smile at each other and Kristy's totally over the moon.
That gif is kind of weird and creepy but I can't stop laughing at it.
And that's it for Part 2! Join us next time for more terrible baseball and terrible people. And maybe Kristy will finally touch Bart's butt or something.
I apologize for the delay on publishing this snark. I got a surprise email about a job I applied for like two months ago and then had a phone interview which led to an in-person interview this coming Tuesday! The day of the phone interview left me all nervous and out of sorts, and I never get nervous about stuff anymore. I guess that means this job is a big fucking deal. So pray for me, burn a candle, sacrifice a small animal, or whatever falls within your beliefs for wishing someone good luck.
In the last installment of this snark, Kristy harshly judged the athletic skills of nearly every child in Stoneybrook with the end goal of putting together a softball team for rejects while she developed a fat crush on Bart Taylor. Is Bart all that, by the way? I don't recall seeing cover art that features him. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all, but I wonder how Bart stacks up against established teen dreamboat Logan Bruno. I'd rather debate Bart's relative hotness than read more baseball abuse in this book.
Chapter 5
Kristy shows up at the Rodowsky homestead for her scheduled baby-sitting job. I find it funny that the book shifts from one family that's actually annoying (the Perkinseseseses) to a family that's portrayed as annoying (the Rodowskys) and we're supposed to buy that a well-intentioned clumsy kid is worse than the Mary Sue family from hell.
Kristy even says that Jackie is a nice kid and she likes to sit for him, but that's not enough to redeem him from being a destroyer of worlds.
The Rodowsky boys are throwing a birthday party for their dog, Bo.
(Not the Obamas dog)
Kristy likes this idea because she's a dog person and Mrs. R is heading out to get a cake with Bo's name on it. I have to say that’s a pretty awesome mom, to play along with the kids' idea to throw the family dog a real live party with a cake and everything.
The boys are putting the finishing touches on the party and Jackie insists on making the lemonade himself. It's as simple as just adding water and Kristy still wants to supervise, but Jackie shoots that down because he's "not a baby."
The youngest Rodowski, four-year-old Archie, enlists Kristy's help to find the birthday candles and she calls him "Red." Which is better than "ginger," I guess.
Personally I don't know where the assumption that red-headed people were weird or gross or paranormal came from, but that also might be because I color my hair different shades of red; my natural color is dark brown. Or maybe because I think making fun of people based solely on their appearance is a shitty thing to do. But without this made up nonsense, we wouldn't have Pinterest atrocities like these:
As Kristy and Archie look for the candles in the basement, that old Jackie is causing trouble in the kitchen by spilling the lemonade all over the place. They clean it up while Kristy internally monologues about how Jackie is the cause of everything bad in the world including the fall of Western Civilization. I spill shit all the time and I'm nearly 33 years old. It's not the end of the world, Kristy. Not even when I spill used coffee grounds all over the freshly mopped floor. That's just World War III.
Kristy orders the boys to play outside because she thinks fewer disasters can occur in an open area. Shea, the oldest boy, says he needs to practice for Little League and Kristy asks Jackie if he's on a team. Shea snorts rudely at that but Kristy says nothing. I'm sorry, but my grandmother (who raised me) would have ended me if I was rude like that. I've adopted her zero tolerance for rudeness and I find myself wanting to slap the freckles off Shea's snotty little face after that stunt.
Jackie and Archie try their hand at hitting with Kristy tossing some balls to them. Both try hard but miss the ball. Kristy observes that Archie is left-handed, which "makes things a little more difficult."
And now we have our first instance of baseball inconsistency. I'm going to get technical and break down why Kristy's full of shit.
Left-handed hitters are prized because most pitchers are right-handed, and typical hitter/pitcher matchups tend to favor opposite versus opposite. There are exceptions, of course, but the usual rule is that a left-handed hitter like Archie would do better against a right-handed pitcher rather than a left-hander. Further, some of the greatest hitters in the history of the game were left-handed: Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and those from my time, Barry Bonds and Tony Gwynn.
Barry Bonds hits against one of the toughest left-handed pitchers of all time, Randy Johnson
I don't know which side Kristy throws from (I assume the right), but since that detail is left out, there's nothing about a naturally left-handed hitter that would make him struggle just because he hits from the left side. Further, most batters who hit left aren't natural lefties and thus they have to learn how to swing from that side of the plate-that goes double for those who become switch hitters (batters who hit from both sides of the plate). So really, there's no reason for Archie to naturally struggle as Kristy says he should.
Granted, I didn't know these things as a 13-year-old baseball fan, but I certainly didn’t talk about it like I knew about it, either. If you're interested in a really detailed breakdown of why left-handed hitters have a natural advantage, read this really well-written piece from The Hardball Times: http://www.hardballtimes.com/the-advantage-of-batting-left-handed/
Shea steps up and hits Kristy's pitch out of the yard. He's already proven his superiority over his fuckup younger brother, who asks Kristy if he can pitch. Shea again shows us that he's an insolent shit by muttering sarcastic remarks about Jackie's baseball prowess and Kristy does nothing about it. She makes a big-ass deal about how Jackie is a handful because he spills beverages and stuff, but Shea gets away with being a rude little pig. Okay.
Jackie gears up to throw a pitch and somehow bends the laws of physics because despite throwing the ball right to Shea, his pitch hits the house next door and ends up in the rain gutter on the roof. Jackie hunts in the garage for another ball while Kristy calls Jackie a disaster and says she admires him because he reminds her of DM with his determination to play against all odds, including his tendency to fuck everything up for everyone.
…I really don't know what to do with that. That's the most backhanded way to compliment a person that I've ever seen. "I love you even though you're an incompetent mess." I just don't know, guys.
Jackie comes back with a tennis ball and the game resumes. Jackie makes solid contact on a pitch but Shea catches it on the fly. Jackie keeps running hell bent for election and Shea tags him out at home. He also says that Jackie will never make it to Little League.
When did Shea become such a shady little shitbag?
Jackie isn't having Shea's attitude and says he'll make it through sheer force of will and hard work…and then trips over his shoelace. While standing? Were he and Shea running while arguing? How in the hell does this happen? I guess ANM wants us to believe in Jackie's innate clumsiness so badly that she'll write narrative that's physically impossible to achieve in real life.
Unless Jackie is a cat, which would make a lot of sense.
Kristy wants Jackie for the team, though, because he tries really hard and won't give up. Jackie is psyched when Kristy tells him about the team and she's all proud of herself and tells us that Watson was really cool about helping her out. That would have been a nice scene to have play out in real time in the chapter, but instead Watson is relegated solely to the narrative thus far. Kinda like Kristy's bio dad, which makes sense for a girl with daddy issues.
Later that day, Kristy gets phone calls from BSC members offering up recruits for the team: Matt Braddock, the younger Pike kids (Nicky, Claire, and Margo, but not Vanessa or the triplets because Vanessa's too busy busting rhymes and the triplets are already in Little League), two of the three Barrett kids (I assume Buddy and Suzi, but that's really vague and if you're not a frequent reader of the series you won't know that Marnie's automatically out because she's too young, although she's only a half year younger than Gabbie Perkins who can solve differential equations and recite monologues from Julius Caesar) plus three friends of the Barretts that Kristy's never heard of. Claudia calls and is bummed that she can't find anyone to play for Kristy's team, but it's all good because Kristy already has 20 signed up!
Chapter 6
Kristy starts the logistics stage of creating this team of hers and writes out a list of the kids' names, ages, and any specific notes on playing ability and special needs. Surprisingly, Kristy acknowledges things like Gabbie's inability to understand the rules of the game, but fails for writing "a walking disaster" next to Jackie's name.
Other notes include times and dates to meet for practices, the purpose of her team, who would help, and if Bart thinks she's cute.
Click to viewI think all of these are excellent questions and relevant to her interests, except that she already has the purpose of her team and she's mentioned it several times in the narrative: to allow kids who are too young, too terrible, or otherwise not able to play ball, to play ball.
Watson helps secure the playground at Stoneybrook Elementary for team use on Tuesday and Saturday afternoons. The BSC members are on board, too, even as most of them don't know shit about sports. Kristy mentions that Watson helped her figure out the mission statement for the team without saying "one jerky thing" which shows me that she's still really wary about him. I get that, actually. I was wary about my mom's current husband because of her terrible track record with men and the fact that this dude was just plain new. It took me a long time to understand that he's a good fit for her and a good guy overall. And he's super into baseball just like me. Even so, I still feel awkward around him at times, and my daddy issues are almost non-existent. Somehow, this half paragraph from the book conveys more truth, honesty, and emotion than everything else written before and after it.
She also promises that she will never lose her temper with any kid, but says nothing about internally judging them and constantly thinking that they suck.
As for Bart, she's all tied up in knots over him. She vows to put him out of her mind because they have different friends and different schools. Fortunately, she has her horrible softball team to distract her from boy trouble!
The first practice is on Saturday. Kristy suddenly feels nervous and on the spot because parents are there with their kids, and I get that. When I was coaching swimming for the kids I didn't like having the parents around. I could feel them judging me. Fortunately I had someone to shoo them away from the pool deck and I could do my thing, but in Kristy's case she's up there without a net.
Kristy points out the new kids: the Kuhns, who like most Stoneybrook kids have little to no personality. The only noteworthy thing about them in this book is Laurel's crippling shyness.
Then she tells the kids how the practices will go: coaching and skills in the beginning, followed by a game. She tells them not to worry about being terrible at baseball or at life, because there's no pressure. There's a boatload of borrowed equipment at their disposal too: bats, balls, catcher's gear, mitts, etc.
She makes sure the kids know that Matt Braddock is deaf and she'll show the team signs that they need to know to communicate baseball with him. Most of the kids seem to know at least some sign language, which is a nice if unrealistic detail. I wish we lived in a world where people were motivated to learn communication skills and include everyone, but the fact of the matter is that humanity sucks as a whole, so this whole thing comes off as kind of unbelievable.
Forgive my cynicism
Kristy is ready to yell "play ball!" but Jackie says they need a team name. Through shouting kids and Karen's pedantic bullshit about spelling, the iconique Kristy's Krushers team name is born, along with pre-Café Press T-shirts with iron-on letters procured at Woolworth's (RIP).
The newly minted Krushers finally get their first game going and as expected, it's a mess, from the way the kids actually play ball to the way this section is written. The way ANM wrote this makes it seem like every kid gets one pitch per at-bat. Laurel K isn't into the game and would rather make dandelion chains in the outfield. Gabbie gets a hit with the wiffle ball but is slowed down by sudden, overwhelming laughter. I've seen both things in my coaching career, so I can't snark that.
Jackie hits the ball solidly…into the trees behind the school. Kristy declares it a foul ball, which isn't a hit as described in the narrative. A hit is a ball in play that results in a batter reaching base, without the benefit of a defensive error or other action like interference from a fielder. In baseball, hits aren't just when the batter makes contact with a ball. God damn it, ANM.
The ball is lost, much like my sanity, and Kristy calls game over. Some shady little ape mutters that it's all Jackie's fault.
Kristy feels like she accomplished something. The kids call her "coach" and nobody cried or got hurt. Truthfully, that’s about all I expected from a typical workout when I was coaching.
Chapter 7
"Mallery" and Claudia are "babby"-sitting for the Pikes and writing back in the forth in the BSC notebook. I don't know what's worse-the author writing out Claudia's terrible spelling or the author writing out these notebook entries.
It's the second time in this book that Mallory has hinted at Claire's softball tantrums, and this chapter we actually get to see her in full effect. Before all that, the chapter starts with Kristy discussing how awesome the Pikes are for embracing Matt and Haley Braddock, which again comes off as overwhelmingly false to me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a soulless goon.
Claudia and Mallory are hanging out in the Pike's backyard with the Pike kids plus the Braddocks and Jessi. The triplets try to get some ball going with Matt, who's apparently the best non-Little League ballplayer in Stoneybrook. The triplets think that Kristy's Krushers ain't shit, but since Matt's on the team they refrain from insulting their friend. I can't tell if that's passive-aggressive or civil.
The triplets challenge the Krushers to a game and act like snooty like shits about it. Matt throws shade back via sign language, saying that the Krushers could "beat the pants off you Little Leaguers."
The two teams jibe back and forth and Jordan shits all over Claire's hitting ability, to which she says it ain't no thang because she can catch the ball. I have to agree with her; I'd much rather have someone who can catch the ball over someone who can't hit all that well. You can always make up for a lack of offense in the lineup, but it's a lot harder to overcome someone who fields poorly. Someone who plays in Little League should know that, Jordan.
Matt steps in as the first batter of the game and gets a solid triple. Nicky strikes out and Margo has a quality at-bat with seven foul balls and eventually she works a walk, which is the mark of a good hitter. If you can stay on top of the ball enough to protect the strike zone, make contact, tire out the pitcher, and then get a walk, that's good hitting. Also, Margo did this while Adam was trying to psych her out.
Nicky coaches the next batter, Claire, by saying she can do it even though she's never made contact with a ball in her life. Good one, Nick. According to the narrative, this is an example of Nicky being nice to his sister, because otherwise he behaves like a woman-hating manchild.
Claire strikes out and Mallory battens down the hatches expecting a tantrum, but Claire remains calm-for now. Then Nicky crushes a ball and gets both runners home on a double. Kristy buts into the narrative to describe how proud she would be if she was there to witness this successful half-inning, but then Claire ruins it by pitching her shitfit after Matt strikes out for out number three.
Mallory tells us that Claire only throws tantrums about baseball, even with games on TV. When my team, the San Francisco Giants, fuck up, I get really mad too. I can't believe I identify with Claire Pike, but them's the breaks.
The triplets come up for their turn at bat and score a bunch of runs. The game ends up a blowout in favor of the triplets, with a score of 16-5, but the Krushers fight hard until the end. Moral victories seem to be all this team can achieve.
Chapter 8
Another Krushers practice begins with the kids being distracted, including Claire climbing a tree, Karen antagonizing Andrew, and Jamie walking on a bat. Claudia is there for moral support, but is more interested in candy than the kids. I have to agree with her there.
The kids are a disorganized mess, but the secret word of the day is "Krushers." Rather than send the kids into a further tizzy like the Word of the Day on Peewee's Playhouse, the utterance of the team name snaps the kids to attention.
Kristy tries out Jamie as a pitcher, because he's afraid of the ball as a hitter. Here's another sigh-inducing baseball fail. The ball travels at least twice as fast off the bat than it does as a pitch and a hit up the middle can really hurt if the pitcher's unlucky enough to be in the path, which I think is a lot scarier than just standing in the batter's box. I've seen some pitchers get hit in the head with a comebacker hit and the results aren't pretty. Although Kristy puts Jamie with Claire as a hitter and muses that if Claire actually did hit the ball, Jamie might try to catch it.
Kristy flubs her signing with Matt and thinks she said something like "pricing an elephant" while Claudia is bored out of her freakin' gourd. If I've learned anything as a die-hard baseball fan, it's very hard to get someone into the game if they don't like or care about sports. Claudia is a prime example of that.
Finally they get to the game portion of the practice and Jackie gets a hit! He makes it to second base and steals third. Myriah Perkins gets a hit and here comes Jackie running onto home…but then he trips and falls down and is tagged out.
Jackie is behind home plate as the catcher for the next half inning and instead of wearing the catcher's mask, he took it off to press his gum into the mask to make a waffle pattern. This is the first instance of Jackie exhibiting stupid and/or irresponsible behavior, definitely way worse than spilling a pitcher of lemonade. He's old enough to know that sticking chewed gum on something is a bad idea and that goes double for something that doesn't belong to him. But I choose to blame Kristy for not instructing him on the proper use of protective catcher's gear like the mask. Serious injuries can occur in baseball and softball. That's why protective equipment exists. Way to go, coach.
Jamie's at bat and he ducks the pitch, natch, which hits Jackie right in the mouth. He's bleeding but no teeth are knocked out, and Kristy has to remind us that loose, bloody teeth gross her out like nothing else. Claudia springs into action and offers to pull Jackie's tooth, which is barely hanging on to his gums. This is all pretty gross and I wouldn't feel comfortable dealing with a situation like that without a first aid kit on hand. I've had coaching sessions and practices where kids got bloody noses, cuts, and other minor injuries and I patched them up, but in the case of something like bloody teeth, no way. I'd send the kid home because it's not sanitary and I would want him to get care in the hands on his parents.
Practice ends and Kristy asks the kids about the team shirts, ordering them to wear the shirts to the next practice. After she and the other Thomas-Brewer kids get home, Kristy starts thinking about Bart again. She negotiates a swap with DM: she'll walk Shannon (the dog) if he learns five baseball signs to help Matt B. Little did he know that it was all part of her master plan to flirt with Bart!
She runs into Bart, who's walking his big-ass Rottweiler named Twinkle, who despite his mean exterior is a big softy. The dogs are okay so the two humans talk about their respective teams. Bart reveals his team is called the Bashers and inadvertently calls the Krushers babies after Kristy asks if any of his kids duck the ball.
Then the streetlights come on and make Bart's hair shiny, and Kristy gets all goopy over him.
Bart challenges the Krushers to a game and Kristy's not so sure. After all, she still thinks they suck. But her pride gets the better of her and she agrees to pit her much younger, much crappier team against the Bashers in an ill-advised baseball contest in two weeks.
They smile at each other and Kristy's totally over the moon.
That gif is kind of weird and creepy but I can't stop laughing at it.
And that's it for Part 2! Join us next time for more terrible baseball and terrible people. And maybe Kristy will finally touch Bart's butt or something.