Karen's Surprise (1-6)
In my time here at BSC Snark, here's what I figured out:
I try to snark a BSC book.
During my snarks of BSC books I either get bored, fail, or end up raging.
I think I should just go back to what I do best for a while and snark the Karen books until I'm ready to snark a BSC book the proper way.
So that's what I shall do. (: I'm back, everyone!
This Karen book happens to be one of the most ridiculous. And the two-two family acts like an asshole too.
(Also, I'm skipping over the two-two chapter of course)
Chapter 1
We open up with Karen singing an annoying and stupid Thanksgiving song. Andrew asks what it is, and Karen says it's a Thanksgiving song but neglects to include "annoying and stupid." Nothing Karen does is annoying, after all, just ~adorable!~ and ~precocious!~ Andrew says Thanksgiving is when you eat a lot, and Karen decides to be a snot about this and go "Oh, you poor stupid little Andrew, with your primitive preschool teachings! There's soooo much more to Thanksgiving than that!" Karen, you've been in preschool before so kindly stfu and stfd. Then there's the obligatory "blonde hair, glasses, etc" paragraph that we all love to hate. Karen decides to school Andrew about what Thanksgiving is really about. Andrew starts lulzing about HAHAHAHA SQUANTO'S A FUNNY NAME and Karen's like "no." Then they discuss the family Thanksgiving dinner, and here's the part when the grownups start acting like assholes: apparently, Karen and Andrew have to pick which half of the family to have Thanksgiving with, instead of getting to celebrate with their whole family, because their parents have their heads so far up their asses that they refuse to bring the family together for ONE dinner for ONE night (see Karen's Birthday for more information). Also apparently Watson has thrown a baby fit in the past about "you spent TWO holidays with your Mommy and that's no FAY-UR!!!" What the fuck kind of father pitches a fit like that TO HIS KIDS? Karen thinks that maybe this year they'll have two separate dinners. That just should not be a thing.
Chapter 3
Miss Colman has a "Surprising" Announcement. whooooo. look at all my excitement here in these lowercase letters. Miss Colman says they're going to do a special project for Thanksgiving and her handwriting is only BARELY legible. How can these second graders read it if I have to struggle to? She lists three possible projects:
1. Try (I think? It could be "fry") a Thanksgiving dinner in our classroom. Invite our parents to share it with us. Well, this won't work because Karen's parents can't even be within a 10-foot radius of eachother for any reason whatsoever, so then Karen's gonna have to pick and I bet those assholes will try and pressure her too.
2. Write a story about Thanksgiving. Make the story into a book. Give the book to our school library so that everyone can read it. Miss Colman, why must you torture the whole school's poor brain cells in the name of Thanksgiving? D:
3. Put on a play about Thanksgiving. Oh no! Remember what I said about torturing the school's poor collective brain cells? ;_;
Of course, the play wins, if you didn't figure that out from the cover. Of course, Karen instantly envisions herself as the star. Do you expect anything less from Karen? (To be fair, I was like that straight through to high school xD) Nancy tells Karen that she can cry on cue and Karen is instantly like "SAYWHAAAT" because oh no, Nancy might actually be a SLIGHTLY BETTER ACTOR THAN HER! And we all know that we just cannot have that!
(When they actually do pick who the star is, you all are going to cheer very very loudly.)
Chapter 4
Karen's playing with Emily the rat. I forget if there was ever a book where Karen finally started bringing Emily back and forth between the houses or not. Karen runs downstairs for dinner and yells about the play and then laments that Nancy might be better. Then she acts if her WHOLE family can come to see the play and Lisa's like "eh, maybe." Sigh. Then Andrew finally asks where they're going to have Thanksgiving this year. Lisa points out that everyone wants them to be at Thanksgiving with them, on the same day, so...they have to go eat TWO large dinners on the same day.
...
WOW. I have no further words for this other than "wow."
Karen is of course okay with this, but Andrew presents the problem everyone else is thinking: THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT THAT MUCH FOOD IN ONE DAY. They're going to THROW UP. I can't with this family. I just can't.
The chapter ends with Karen telling Hannie about it, and only Hannie, because she refuses to talk to Nancy because she can cry on cue. What a little bitch. I get jealous of people all the time but it never struck me to shun them for it.
Chapter 5
The class brainstorms for the play, and apparently Pamela cannot even dare to talk in that class without Karen doing a bratty internal monologue about how horrible she is because she wears cool clothes and her dad is a doctor and all that. That just sounds like more jealousy to me, Karen. Pamela is also famous for being the only child who can break the spell of the Karen Borg that Karen has released across the entire classroom, because even though her play idea is cheesy as hell (an "enchanted forest" Thanksgiving), most of the people still vote for it despite Karen's scorn. But the play that actually wins is...you're going to love this...the idea posed by NATALIE SPRINGER. Yes, NATALIE GETS TO WIN, EVERYONE! LET'S ALL PAUSE FOR A RAUCUOUS APPLAUSE. The play is about a girl dreaming about the first Thanksgiving, intended to educate about what went on there (or at least, the watered down version. Only Claudia Kishi and Abby Stevenson have the balls to tell everyone what REALLY went on at the first Thanksgiving ^_^). The second part of the play is a dinner scene where various Thanksgiving foods walk across the stage and name themselves. The star's name is Samantha, and everyone wants to be her. Nancy dares to say she wants to be Samantha too and Karen gives her a bitchface for it. Nancy gives her very best bitchface right back because Nancy rarely takes Karen's bullshit, and they refuse to talk to eachother for the rest of the day. However, Miss Colman saves the day by saying they're going to do the lazy director's way of assigning parts--instead of holding tryouts, they will draw names out of a hat for the parts.
Chapter 6 (the part where you are going to cheer)
Nancy and Karen bond again over badmouthing Natalie Springer. So heartwarming. To be fair, the drawing-parts-out-of-a-hat thing has always struck me as stupid and lazy, even if it does quell the brawls about tryouts. Also, Karen has a point (say whaaaat) but immediately ignores it, about how this fucks the shy kids over by possibly attaching their name to a huge role, and therefore forcing them to perform as a lead. I'm reminded of Stacey's Big Break, when the BSC utterly traumatized Charlotte by attempting to force her to play the starring role of a Snow White play and yelling at her that "IT'LL BE FUN WE SWEAR IT'LL BE FUN YOU ARE HAVING FUN RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING AND WAILING FOR STACEY YOU ARE STILL HAVING *FUN!!!*" Why are shyness and stage fright such gigantic crimes in Stoneybrook? I really don't get it. Karen and Nancy are depressed that now they do not get to show off their elite acting skillzorz, and lament over how horrid it would be if they had to be a VEGETABLE.
The drawing is held. Ricky Torres gets the grandfather, Natalie gets a pea and an Indian child (this is actually a win for her since she's shy and apparently hates performing anyway, so whoo!), and then we give the part of Samantha to...
Pamela.
That's right. Pamela. Karen's oh-so-demonized "best enemy" draws the much-sought-after part of Samantha. And Karen gets the turkey. Which to me, is still technically a star, since the entire Thanksgiving dinner revolves around the damn turkey. She still gets to be the centerpiece and the number one foodstuff of the entire table. But of course, she's not happy. But everyone teases Karen about being the turkey, which of course, could ruin any part for anybody. ):
I try to snark a BSC book.
During my snarks of BSC books I either get bored, fail, or end up raging.
I think I should just go back to what I do best for a while and snark the Karen books until I'm ready to snark a BSC book the proper way.
So that's what I shall do. (: I'm back, everyone!
This Karen book happens to be one of the most ridiculous. And the two-two family acts like an asshole too.
(Also, I'm skipping over the two-two chapter of course)
Chapter 1
We open up with Karen singing an annoying and stupid Thanksgiving song. Andrew asks what it is, and Karen says it's a Thanksgiving song but neglects to include "annoying and stupid." Nothing Karen does is annoying, after all, just ~adorable!~ and ~precocious!~ Andrew says Thanksgiving is when you eat a lot, and Karen decides to be a snot about this and go "Oh, you poor stupid little Andrew, with your primitive preschool teachings! There's soooo much more to Thanksgiving than that!" Karen, you've been in preschool before so kindly stfu and stfd. Then there's the obligatory "blonde hair, glasses, etc" paragraph that we all love to hate. Karen decides to school Andrew about what Thanksgiving is really about. Andrew starts lulzing about HAHAHAHA SQUANTO'S A FUNNY NAME and Karen's like "no." Then they discuss the family Thanksgiving dinner, and here's the part when the grownups start acting like assholes: apparently, Karen and Andrew have to pick which half of the family to have Thanksgiving with, instead of getting to celebrate with their whole family, because their parents have their heads so far up their asses that they refuse to bring the family together for ONE dinner for ONE night (see Karen's Birthday for more information). Also apparently Watson has thrown a baby fit in the past about "you spent TWO holidays with your Mommy and that's no FAY-UR!!!" What the fuck kind of father pitches a fit like that TO HIS KIDS? Karen thinks that maybe this year they'll have two separate dinners. That just should not be a thing.
Chapter 3
Miss Colman has a "Surprising" Announcement. whooooo. look at all my excitement here in these lowercase letters. Miss Colman says they're going to do a special project for Thanksgiving and her handwriting is only BARELY legible. How can these second graders read it if I have to struggle to? She lists three possible projects:
1. Try (I think? It could be "fry") a Thanksgiving dinner in our classroom. Invite our parents to share it with us. Well, this won't work because Karen's parents can't even be within a 10-foot radius of eachother for any reason whatsoever, so then Karen's gonna have to pick and I bet those assholes will try and pressure her too.
2. Write a story about Thanksgiving. Make the story into a book. Give the book to our school library so that everyone can read it. Miss Colman, why must you torture the whole school's poor brain cells in the name of Thanksgiving? D:
3. Put on a play about Thanksgiving. Oh no! Remember what I said about torturing the school's poor collective brain cells? ;_;
Of course, the play wins, if you didn't figure that out from the cover. Of course, Karen instantly envisions herself as the star. Do you expect anything less from Karen? (To be fair, I was like that straight through to high school xD) Nancy tells Karen that she can cry on cue and Karen is instantly like "SAYWHAAAT" because oh no, Nancy might actually be a SLIGHTLY BETTER ACTOR THAN HER! And we all know that we just cannot have that!
(When they actually do pick who the star is, you all are going to cheer very very loudly.)
Chapter 4
Karen's playing with Emily the rat. I forget if there was ever a book where Karen finally started bringing Emily back and forth between the houses or not. Karen runs downstairs for dinner and yells about the play and then laments that Nancy might be better. Then she acts if her WHOLE family can come to see the play and Lisa's like "eh, maybe." Sigh. Then Andrew finally asks where they're going to have Thanksgiving this year. Lisa points out that everyone wants them to be at Thanksgiving with them, on the same day, so...they have to go eat TWO large dinners on the same day.
...
WOW. I have no further words for this other than "wow."
Karen is of course okay with this, but Andrew presents the problem everyone else is thinking: THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT THAT MUCH FOOD IN ONE DAY. They're going to THROW UP. I can't with this family. I just can't.
The chapter ends with Karen telling Hannie about it, and only Hannie, because she refuses to talk to Nancy because she can cry on cue. What a little bitch. I get jealous of people all the time but it never struck me to shun them for it.
Chapter 5
The class brainstorms for the play, and apparently Pamela cannot even dare to talk in that class without Karen doing a bratty internal monologue about how horrible she is because she wears cool clothes and her dad is a doctor and all that. That just sounds like more jealousy to me, Karen. Pamela is also famous for being the only child who can break the spell of the Karen Borg that Karen has released across the entire classroom, because even though her play idea is cheesy as hell (an "enchanted forest" Thanksgiving), most of the people still vote for it despite Karen's scorn. But the play that actually wins is...you're going to love this...the idea posed by NATALIE SPRINGER. Yes, NATALIE GETS TO WIN, EVERYONE! LET'S ALL PAUSE FOR A RAUCUOUS APPLAUSE. The play is about a girl dreaming about the first Thanksgiving, intended to educate about what went on there (or at least, the watered down version. Only Claudia Kishi and Abby Stevenson have the balls to tell everyone what REALLY went on at the first Thanksgiving ^_^). The second part of the play is a dinner scene where various Thanksgiving foods walk across the stage and name themselves. The star's name is Samantha, and everyone wants to be her. Nancy dares to say she wants to be Samantha too and Karen gives her a bitchface for it. Nancy gives her very best bitchface right back because Nancy rarely takes Karen's bullshit, and they refuse to talk to eachother for the rest of the day. However, Miss Colman saves the day by saying they're going to do the lazy director's way of assigning parts--instead of holding tryouts, they will draw names out of a hat for the parts.
Chapter 6 (the part where you are going to cheer)
Nancy and Karen bond again over badmouthing Natalie Springer. So heartwarming. To be fair, the drawing-parts-out-of-a-hat thing has always struck me as stupid and lazy, even if it does quell the brawls about tryouts. Also, Karen has a point (say whaaaat) but immediately ignores it, about how this fucks the shy kids over by possibly attaching their name to a huge role, and therefore forcing them to perform as a lead. I'm reminded of Stacey's Big Break, when the BSC utterly traumatized Charlotte by attempting to force her to play the starring role of a Snow White play and yelling at her that "IT'LL BE FUN WE SWEAR IT'LL BE FUN YOU ARE HAVING FUN RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING AND WAILING FOR STACEY YOU ARE STILL HAVING *FUN!!!*" Why are shyness and stage fright such gigantic crimes in Stoneybrook? I really don't get it. Karen and Nancy are depressed that now they do not get to show off their elite acting skillzorz, and lament over how horrid it would be if they had to be a VEGETABLE.
The drawing is held. Ricky Torres gets the grandfather, Natalie gets a pea and an Indian child (this is actually a win for her since she's shy and apparently hates performing anyway, so whoo!), and then we give the part of Samantha to...
Pamela.
That's right. Pamela. Karen's oh-so-demonized "best enemy" draws the much-sought-after part of Samantha. And Karen gets the turkey. Which to me, is still technically a star, since the entire Thanksgiving dinner revolves around the damn turkey. She still gets to be the centerpiece and the number one foodstuff of the entire table. But of course, she's not happy. But everyone teases Karen about being the turkey, which of course, could ruin any part for anybody. ):