Sea City Here We Come part 2
Part One: http://bsc-snark.livejournal.com/406709.html
Previously on BSC visits the Jersey Shore Claudia learned how to count in summer school, Mary Anne and Dawn convinced some kids to attend day camp in their back yard, and the girls all shared a tearful goodbye when Jessi, Mallory, and Stacey left for Sea City a whole week before the others.
Chapter 6 Kristy
Dear Stacey,
Bad news, I discovered the downside of having a baseball team consisting of toddlers...their parents don't tell them in advance when it's time to go on vacation. Needless to say, half my team is gone and I don't have enough players to beat the Bashers, but I will die before admitting defeat to the Bartman. XOXO Kristy
Breakdown, in the beginning 20 brave souls agreed to be called the Krushers. The Papadakises are on vacation, and Nicky, Margo, Claire, Buddy and Suzi are all in Sea City (I'm sure the loss of Suzi, Claire, and Margo's barf is just krushing.
Kristy is fine with her team of 13, until she informs us that Karen's buddy Bobby Gianelli has not only joined the team somewhere along the line, but is on vacation. Then Matt Braddock has to go to deaf camp, which of course was planned last minute, as deaf camps usually are. Then Jackie Rodowsky can't play because he scratched his eye with a plastic drinking straw and has to wear an eye patch. Come the fuck on how is that even possible? I bet Lerangis actually wrote something plausible, such as Jackie got pink eye from Shea farting in his face, and Ann read it and was like "no! That might happen to a real boy! Change it to something ridiculous that could only happen to Jackie!"
Kristy is all whatever I have 10 kids who cares and conducts a practice where they play something called Round Robin where everyone assumes a field position the leftover person bats, and then they rotate. Kristy refers to this as another one of her genius ideas, but I'm pretty sure she did not make up that concept, and she probably didn't even make up that title. And I'm someone who probably knows less about sports than Mary Anne and Mallory. Ugh and she mentions Gabbie's special wiffle ball. Seriously I don't understand why that ball is only used for the 2 year old. Are 4 year olds really capable of using softballs?
Anyway then we find out the stupid Kuhn family is going on vacation. Good, I hate them anyway. They're such filler characters, we never know anything about them except I think Jake is chunky, but not as fat as Norman Hill. Also they have stupid names. Patsy? wtf. And Laurel is the lesser of all the names beginning with Laur (no offense to any Laurels). Kristy is pouting about being down to 7 kids, and then Bart walks up and is all "omg ready to be bashed?" Kristy tells him about her player shortage, and then is flabbergasted when he says she should forfeit. She's all "I WILL HAVE ENOUGH PLAYERS ON FRIDAY OR DIE."
The solution is to go door to door on Millionaire row to talk some rich kids into playing. I always found this chapter ridiculous, even as a kid, but you know in the fun way where you secretly like how over the top it is. Anyway I apologize for how ridiculously long this chapter snark is.
Anyway the first house has a little boy named Phil Fields and he is already is some fancy rich kids league, but Kristy writes his name down anyway. Then she finds Kate Munson who is absolutely horrified by the idea and doesn't know how to play. Kristy gives her a bat swinging lesson on the spot, Kate is so nervous and shaky she throws the bat and almost breaks a window but Kristy "could tell she liked playing" and wrote down her info. Run while you still can, Kate.
"Then there was S. Emerson Pinckney IV, 'Quad' for short (don't ask me why)" you're an idiot Kristy, if you can't draw the connection between the word quad and the number 4. Anyway Quad can't play because he is too fat and also lazy, because you know how that is in Stoneybrook. He has a brother nicknamed Moon though, who Kristy describes as "moon-shaped" what does that mean? Like is he round and fat like a full moon? Or is he more crescent shaped? Moons don't all look the same, Kristin. Then we have Sheila Nofziger who is skinny and can barely lift the bat but "she was the most excited of all." Right. She also names 3 kids we don't get introduced to, Richard Owen, Kyle Abou-Sabh, and Alexandra DeLounge.
Chapter 7 Margo
Dear Carolyn, guess what I found a tiddal pool with fishez and clammes and crabbs, it's a grat oppurtunty for people to lern maureen life! love Margo the Zookeeper
Too bad it's not a great opportunity for people to learn to spell. I'm giggling at the "Maureen life" thing though, she actually wrote that, do you think she is going to follow Stacey's hot mom all over and spy on her? Anyway, Margo is pretty much Karen + barfing. Margo goes for a walk on the beach and tries to grab a poisonous jellyfish and Mallory yells at her. Then her and Claire are amused by some sandpipers. Margo finds her tidal pool that has a horseshoe crab and a starfish.
Margo decides the beach zoo is now hers, so she makes a sign advertising and tries to charge people 50 cents. The other kids are annoyed at her for charging for stuff they can see for free, the random beach goers ignore her, and she makes a whole 1.50 from her parents and Mrs. Barrett. Then the tide washes away, but Margo is sure she could have made a million dollars if it had lasted longer.
Chapter 8 Jessi
Dear Becca, people like building sand castles on the beach! Can you believe it? There's even going to be a castle building contest, isn't that totally dibble? Kiss Squirt for me. Love, Jessi
Jessi is taking the younger girls to the ice cream shop where some teenage boys are dressed as a barber shop quartet and singing the word ice cream. Supposedly the singing is so good that Claire, Margo, and Suzi just stand there with their jaws open, forgetting about ice cream. Right, because that is what usually happens to small children when minutes away from an icy sweet treat.
Jessi snarks the names of places on the maindrag herself "Kotton Kandy Korner (why kan't they just spell the words korrectly?)...Pizza Falafel (I think they mean pizza and falafel) And my personal favorite, Chili Fotorama (do they put your snapshots in the chili or on the side?)" I like it when Jessi actually gets to be a normal semi funny kid instead of when she's acting like a hardcore prima donna, or saying random bitchy things just to fill a dialogue quota. Anyway the girls finally get the ice cream and Jessi thinks the cashier is hot, so she has to inform us that he is also black.
They eat the ice cream and the kids obnoxiously want to go in every single store and touch every single thing, even though they know they didn't bring any souvenir money along with them on their walk. Then they spot the sign for the sand castle contest and the girls decide to enter and spend the rest of the afternoon building. Suzi has skills with the wet sand drizzling. Mal and the trips come by and Jordan admires the castle, until Margo tells him they are going to enter the contest and win. Then he about dies laughing at their shitty castle and privately shows Jessi the other end of the beach where some hardcore sand artists are building castles practically large enough to live in, with sand dye and working drawbridges and all that fun stuff.
Jessi ponders what to do, if she can think of some polite way to talk the girls out of entering, or let them do it knowing they won't win and how crushed they will be afterwards.
Chapter 9 Mary Anne
Dear Mallory, omg we had our mini camp sleepover and there were ghosts!!! It was so scary I wetJamie wet his pants! Spooky details coming soon! <3 Mary Anne
MA starts off by telling us she is NOT an outdoors kind of girl and she likes sleeping inside on a nice bed with air conditioning and all of that other good stuff, but she is also a pushover and she let Dawn talk her into the camping out thing. All the parents agree to it, except for Mrs. P who doesn't think her angel should be outside roughing it, but caves in when Jenny throws a loud tantrum.
Anyway, the kids show up, and they're all wearing their jammies and Jenny's dad brings her the world's fluffiest sleeping bag with a nice soft foam rubber pad, and I try not to think about Mary Anne's thought "Were they adorable! Mathew and Johnny wore short-short pj's" wtf stop eyeing their little boy legs. Then Charlotte the rocket scientist asks Dawn what to do if she has to go potty in the middle of the night. Um you go inside the Schafer's house, it's not that hard. I assume she has even used their bathroom before because she likely doesn't go all day without using the bathroom when she's over there for day camp.
They all play some games, and then make smores, and Dawn has some sesame sticks, and instead of snotting about them like the BSC members would, the kids ask for some and eat them too, because sesame sticks are delicious. Everyone freaks out when they hear a mystery noise, until MA realizes it's rain hitting the hot coals of the grill, so they pack up the sleeping bags and move to the garage. Jamie starts crying about missing his parents, and MA gives him a hug and says he can leave if he wants to, or he can stay for a few bedtime stories and see how he is feeling and her dad will take him home if needed. Jamie actually begs for a scary story and Dawn decides to tell one, and you guys know the gist of it, but I will summarize it just in case.
200 years ago her house belonged to the Mullray family, and then they lost their money and had to move to Vermont, but the youngest son Jared refused to go with them. The bank people came to claim the property, and all they could hear was Jared's voice yell "I ain't leaving!" and his voice was mysteriously coming from some place between the house and the barn and no one could ever find where Jared was. Jenny snots that she has heard that story before, so Dawn says "but you never heard of Priscilla Gatlin, Jared's fiancee" and that's when MA gets nervous, because she is apparently unable to tell that Dawn is bluffing on the spot.
Priscilla's dad was a blacksmith and he was also going broke, and Old Man Mullray apparently wanted his son to marry up, and was hoping the move to Vermont would make Jared forget about Prissy. So after the family left and Jared disappeared, Prissy sat on the porch everyday, waiting for Jared to return to her. Then this other guy named Obadiah Spooner decided he wanted to marry Priscilla, but he wasn't her one true love, and also he had a wart on his nose, so she kept telling him no, but he was rich and had nice black hair and Jared was totally missing, so one day she was tempted to say yes, but then she heard a voice calling her to the barn, so she ran to the barn, and then Oba followed her in and then there was a scream, and then 2 gunshots, and Oba came out, but his hair was white and his eyes were all glazed but he still had that wart, and then he went to his house and stayed in bed silent for the rest of his life and no one knows what happened to Prissy, but she's obv still a ghost hanging out in the barn.
The kids shriek, and Dawn is about to open the door to the secret passage for good measure, but MA gives her a dirty look, then conspicuously wheels the lawnmower over the trap door to keep the ghosts in. As the kids are falling asleep Dawn admits to MA she made up the story on the sly, but MA still has trouble falling asleep all night.
I think I'm gonna call it a wrap for now. Coming soon, part 3 with Kristy's ridiculous softball game, and the rest of the gang traveling to Sea City!
Previously on BSC visits the Jersey Shore Claudia learned how to count in summer school, Mary Anne and Dawn convinced some kids to attend day camp in their back yard, and the girls all shared a tearful goodbye when Jessi, Mallory, and Stacey left for Sea City a whole week before the others.
Chapter 6 Kristy
Dear Stacey,
Bad news, I discovered the downside of having a baseball team consisting of toddlers...their parents don't tell them in advance when it's time to go on vacation. Needless to say, half my team is gone and I don't have enough players to beat the Bashers, but I will die before admitting defeat to the Bartman. XOXO Kristy
Breakdown, in the beginning 20 brave souls agreed to be called the Krushers. The Papadakises are on vacation, and Nicky, Margo, Claire, Buddy and Suzi are all in Sea City (I'm sure the loss of Suzi, Claire, and Margo's barf is just krushing.
Kristy is fine with her team of 13, until she informs us that Karen's buddy Bobby Gianelli has not only joined the team somewhere along the line, but is on vacation. Then Matt Braddock has to go to deaf camp, which of course was planned last minute, as deaf camps usually are. Then Jackie Rodowsky can't play because he scratched his eye with a plastic drinking straw and has to wear an eye patch. Come the fuck on how is that even possible? I bet Lerangis actually wrote something plausible, such as Jackie got pink eye from Shea farting in his face, and Ann read it and was like "no! That might happen to a real boy! Change it to something ridiculous that could only happen to Jackie!"
Kristy is all whatever I have 10 kids who cares and conducts a practice where they play something called Round Robin where everyone assumes a field position the leftover person bats, and then they rotate. Kristy refers to this as another one of her genius ideas, but I'm pretty sure she did not make up that concept, and she probably didn't even make up that title. And I'm someone who probably knows less about sports than Mary Anne and Mallory. Ugh and she mentions Gabbie's special wiffle ball. Seriously I don't understand why that ball is only used for the 2 year old. Are 4 year olds really capable of using softballs?
Anyway then we find out the stupid Kuhn family is going on vacation. Good, I hate them anyway. They're such filler characters, we never know anything about them except I think Jake is chunky, but not as fat as Norman Hill. Also they have stupid names. Patsy? wtf. And Laurel is the lesser of all the names beginning with Laur (no offense to any Laurels). Kristy is pouting about being down to 7 kids, and then Bart walks up and is all "omg ready to be bashed?" Kristy tells him about her player shortage, and then is flabbergasted when he says she should forfeit. She's all "I WILL HAVE ENOUGH PLAYERS ON FRIDAY OR DIE."
The solution is to go door to door on Millionaire row to talk some rich kids into playing. I always found this chapter ridiculous, even as a kid, but you know in the fun way where you secretly like how over the top it is. Anyway I apologize for how ridiculously long this chapter snark is.
Anyway the first house has a little boy named Phil Fields and he is already is some fancy rich kids league, but Kristy writes his name down anyway. Then she finds Kate Munson who is absolutely horrified by the idea and doesn't know how to play. Kristy gives her a bat swinging lesson on the spot, Kate is so nervous and shaky she throws the bat and almost breaks a window but Kristy "could tell she liked playing" and wrote down her info. Run while you still can, Kate.
"Then there was S. Emerson Pinckney IV, 'Quad' for short (don't ask me why)" you're an idiot Kristy, if you can't draw the connection between the word quad and the number 4. Anyway Quad can't play because he is too fat and also lazy, because you know how that is in Stoneybrook. He has a brother nicknamed Moon though, who Kristy describes as "moon-shaped" what does that mean? Like is he round and fat like a full moon? Or is he more crescent shaped? Moons don't all look the same, Kristin. Then we have Sheila Nofziger who is skinny and can barely lift the bat but "she was the most excited of all." Right. She also names 3 kids we don't get introduced to, Richard Owen, Kyle Abou-Sabh, and Alexandra DeLounge.
Chapter 7 Margo
Dear Carolyn, guess what I found a tiddal pool with fishez and clammes and crabbs, it's a grat oppurtunty for people to lern maureen life! love Margo the Zookeeper
Too bad it's not a great opportunity for people to learn to spell. I'm giggling at the "Maureen life" thing though, she actually wrote that, do you think she is going to follow Stacey's hot mom all over and spy on her? Anyway, Margo is pretty much Karen + barfing. Margo goes for a walk on the beach and tries to grab a poisonous jellyfish and Mallory yells at her. Then her and Claire are amused by some sandpipers. Margo finds her tidal pool that has a horseshoe crab and a starfish.
Margo decides the beach zoo is now hers, so she makes a sign advertising and tries to charge people 50 cents. The other kids are annoyed at her for charging for stuff they can see for free, the random beach goers ignore her, and she makes a whole 1.50 from her parents and Mrs. Barrett. Then the tide washes away, but Margo is sure she could have made a million dollars if it had lasted longer.
Chapter 8 Jessi
Dear Becca, people like building sand castles on the beach! Can you believe it? There's even going to be a castle building contest, isn't that totally dibble? Kiss Squirt for me. Love, Jessi
Jessi is taking the younger girls to the ice cream shop where some teenage boys are dressed as a barber shop quartet and singing the word ice cream. Supposedly the singing is so good that Claire, Margo, and Suzi just stand there with their jaws open, forgetting about ice cream. Right, because that is what usually happens to small children when minutes away from an icy sweet treat.
Jessi snarks the names of places on the maindrag herself "Kotton Kandy Korner (why kan't they just spell the words korrectly?)...Pizza Falafel (I think they mean pizza and falafel) And my personal favorite, Chili Fotorama (do they put your snapshots in the chili or on the side?)" I like it when Jessi actually gets to be a normal semi funny kid instead of when she's acting like a hardcore prima donna, or saying random bitchy things just to fill a dialogue quota. Anyway the girls finally get the ice cream and Jessi thinks the cashier is hot, so she has to inform us that he is also black.
They eat the ice cream and the kids obnoxiously want to go in every single store and touch every single thing, even though they know they didn't bring any souvenir money along with them on their walk. Then they spot the sign for the sand castle contest and the girls decide to enter and spend the rest of the afternoon building. Suzi has skills with the wet sand drizzling. Mal and the trips come by and Jordan admires the castle, until Margo tells him they are going to enter the contest and win. Then he about dies laughing at their shitty castle and privately shows Jessi the other end of the beach where some hardcore sand artists are building castles practically large enough to live in, with sand dye and working drawbridges and all that fun stuff.
Jessi ponders what to do, if she can think of some polite way to talk the girls out of entering, or let them do it knowing they won't win and how crushed they will be afterwards.
Chapter 9 Mary Anne
Dear Mallory, omg we had our mini camp sleepover and there were ghosts!!! It was so scary I wetJamie wet his pants! Spooky details coming soon! <3 Mary Anne
MA starts off by telling us she is NOT an outdoors kind of girl and she likes sleeping inside on a nice bed with air conditioning and all of that other good stuff, but she is also a pushover and she let Dawn talk her into the camping out thing. All the parents agree to it, except for Mrs. P who doesn't think her angel should be outside roughing it, but caves in when Jenny throws a loud tantrum.
Anyway, the kids show up, and they're all wearing their jammies and Jenny's dad brings her the world's fluffiest sleeping bag with a nice soft foam rubber pad, and I try not to think about Mary Anne's thought "Were they adorable! Mathew and Johnny wore short-short pj's" wtf stop eyeing their little boy legs. Then Charlotte the rocket scientist asks Dawn what to do if she has to go potty in the middle of the night. Um you go inside the Schafer's house, it's not that hard. I assume she has even used their bathroom before because she likely doesn't go all day without using the bathroom when she's over there for day camp.
They all play some games, and then make smores, and Dawn has some sesame sticks, and instead of snotting about them like the BSC members would, the kids ask for some and eat them too, because sesame sticks are delicious. Everyone freaks out when they hear a mystery noise, until MA realizes it's rain hitting the hot coals of the grill, so they pack up the sleeping bags and move to the garage. Jamie starts crying about missing his parents, and MA gives him a hug and says he can leave if he wants to, or he can stay for a few bedtime stories and see how he is feeling and her dad will take him home if needed. Jamie actually begs for a scary story and Dawn decides to tell one, and you guys know the gist of it, but I will summarize it just in case.
200 years ago her house belonged to the Mullray family, and then they lost their money and had to move to Vermont, but the youngest son Jared refused to go with them. The bank people came to claim the property, and all they could hear was Jared's voice yell "I ain't leaving!" and his voice was mysteriously coming from some place between the house and the barn and no one could ever find where Jared was. Jenny snots that she has heard that story before, so Dawn says "but you never heard of Priscilla Gatlin, Jared's fiancee" and that's when MA gets nervous, because she is apparently unable to tell that Dawn is bluffing on the spot.
Priscilla's dad was a blacksmith and he was also going broke, and Old Man Mullray apparently wanted his son to marry up, and was hoping the move to Vermont would make Jared forget about Prissy. So after the family left and Jared disappeared, Prissy sat on the porch everyday, waiting for Jared to return to her. Then this other guy named Obadiah Spooner decided he wanted to marry Priscilla, but he wasn't her one true love, and also he had a wart on his nose, so she kept telling him no, but he was rich and had nice black hair and Jared was totally missing, so one day she was tempted to say yes, but then she heard a voice calling her to the barn, so she ran to the barn, and then Oba followed her in and then there was a scream, and then 2 gunshots, and Oba came out, but his hair was white and his eyes were all glazed but he still had that wart, and then he went to his house and stayed in bed silent for the rest of his life and no one knows what happened to Prissy, but she's obv still a ghost hanging out in the barn.
The kids shriek, and Dawn is about to open the door to the secret passage for good measure, but MA gives her a dirty look, then conspicuously wheels the lawnmower over the trap door to keep the ghosts in. As the kids are falling asleep Dawn admits to MA she made up the story on the sly, but MA still has trouble falling asleep all night.
I think I'm gonna call it a wrap for now. Coming soon, part 3 with Kristy's ridiculous softball game, and the rest of the gang traveling to Sea City!