Claudia and the World's Cutest Baby (1-5)
Hey guys I'm back! :D Took a break from snarking after my previous three kind of fail whaled. I went to go do Ultranova things for a month and didn't touch anything BSC-related until I decided hey, why not? So here I am.
This is a Claud book and Claud's my favorite. This book had me in stitches. Her obsessive behavior over her aunt's new baby is just ridiculous in every way, shape, and form. And her outfit on the cover rocks. for realsies. This is basically an older and slightly less obnoxious version of Karen's Baby, which I snarked last summer. Also it's a Lerangis. Most later Claudia books seem to be Lerangis.
Chapter 1
Claudia and her family are gushing over how cutesy-wutesy a sonogram of Claudia's incoming baby cousin is!!! Socute, such a cute little alien blob face! :D Janine provides the only accurate description of this fetus, "Compressed," and gets Dirty Looked for it of course, because Janine's not allowed to do anything or speak or venture out of her Nerd Cave ever. How dare you think, Janine! Claudia thinks sonograms are taken by "singing through the camera." Aw Claud, I love your cluelessness. She gives a thorough review about why sonograms are ugly when it comes to quality, and it wasn't until I started pursuing all media of art (not just jewelry) as a serious career that I understood this. They discuss baby names. Claudia talks about Mimi for a few paragraphs and suggests the baby be named Mimi. Then she talks about herself and says she thought "physics" were about soda bubbles (FIZZ-iks!). General I'M STUPID BUT I'M ARTISTIC!!!!!! talk. She leaves for school and takes the sonogram with her, so sure her friends all want to see a compressed alien blob baby. Which of course, they all do, since they're the BSC! Babies are like lifeblood to them! (The BSC eats babies. I HAVE SPOKEN!!!!) Claudia gets SO offended when Logan's like "Is this an underwater fungus?" I probably woulda said the same thing. Or an alien. I like aliens better than fungi. Logan gets all upset about it because calling an in utero baby a fungus is just such a horrible thing to do. Instead of y'know, joking about, "So that's a baby? SO WE ALL STARTED OUT AS MUTANT ALIEN BROOD-FUNGI?" Hahahah, brood-fungi. In social studies, Claudia Epic Fails at naming The City of Brotherly Love, thinking "Hermosa Beach." Oh, Claudia, you and your brain thoughts. But then she guesses Philadelphia and is correct, so the teacher gives her a free trip to Philly. Wow, this class gets free trips to Philly for getting answers right? We meet Melissa, who I like, and who runs over to Claudia to hug her. I utterly despise Claud's treatment of Melissa throughout the rest of this book.
Chapter 2
BSC time. Of course Kristy has to be a pedantic little prick about Claudia's trip. Do you all remember how much I utterly despise Kristy? Good. Kristy's like "Well, it's just Philadelphia." Well I'm sorry Claudia's idea of a fun vacation doesn't match yours, Kristy. Now stfu and stfd. Stacey and Abby mention pretzels with mustard, and Claudia's like hay let's do that shit. Kristy gets all prissy again all K BUT YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES. Nevermind that this is CLAUD'S HOUSE. I really want Claud to just throw her out of her house when she gets like this. But instead, Claud's a sheep and hyperspeeds for the mustard to put on the pretzels...only to find that her bestest fwiends have eaten all of her pretzels by the time she gets back. Claudia, please toss them out of your house. Or at least, toss Kristy. Then she talks about the BSC for two pages and they get sitting calls, and then one from Russ. OMGWTFBBQ PEACHES IS HAVIN' DA BABY!!!! Claudia absolutely explodes like it's HER baby.
Chapter 3
Who else would enable a baby obsession but the BSC? They probably fostered it. Kristy of course goes "GIVE HER A FLYER FOR THE CLUB!" FFS, Kristy, you think Peaches is gonna dump her newborn on you after she just spawned or something? And they want to be called THE VERY SECOND THE BABY POPS OUT. Claudia runs into a door, then runs outside and goes ripshit at her parents about GET IN THE CAR BACK IT UP PEACHES IS HAVING THE BABY! Instead of telling her to calm the fuck down, they all zoom at breakneck speed to the hospital. Claudia's clueless about childbirth of course, and doesn't know that "How far along is she" does not mean "When did they leave the house." They get to the delivery room and Claudia goes on about what a happy special magical place a delivery room is, and how joy is behind every haggard face and exhausted posture. She sounds like a fucking Etsy seller in the Annoying Descriptions category on Regretsy. The birth is taking a long time, but Claudia shoots down all her family's requests to go home for a while. SHE IS GOING TO SEE THIS BABY THE MOMENT IT IS BORN, DAMMIT. She needs to get a grip. The baby's finally born after a load of sappy annoying drama.
Chapter 4
Claudia tries to mind-control Peaches and Russ into naming the baby Mimi, but they finally decide to name the baby Lynn, after Claudia LYNN Kishi. This is actually super-sweet. Awwww. Claudia asks to come see Lynn tomorrow after school, and Russ says, "You bet. By then we'll need a trained babysitter." Considering Claudia's already-building obsession and her behavior throughout the rest of the book, I am going to say this is one of the WORST things Russ could've said. You see, Claudia is soon going to think she, a 13-year-old babysitter, is a better parent and caregiver for this child than the actual parents. And it. Is. Creepy. Claudia smiles in her sleep all night thinking about Lynn, and then runs to tell her friends the news the next day. Her friends want her to shove a Polaroid at the newborn's face so they can see her instantly. Typical BSC baby-obsession, what else is new? Claudia does worse in school than usual that day because "she's missing out on crucial bonding time with Lynn!" Claudia, Lynn is NOT your kid. The PARENTS are the ones who need to worry about bonding with Lynn the day after her birth. You can miss out on a few hours' worth to give the parents one-on-one time with their newborn. After school, Claudia is so excited that she runs into the delivery room instead of the maternity room and is escorted out by a nurse. Claudia gushes over Lynn, Lynn smiles at her and Russ has to ruin it by saying it's just gas. Awww, that's a dick move. xD Claudia gives Peaches a blanket she and Mary Anne had been working on when Peaches was supposed to have her first child (she miscarried). Peaches bursts into tears. This is a genuinely sweet moment that makes me go d'awww every time. But then, Peaches and Russ ask Claudia to be Lynn' godmother Uh, excuse me but, Claudia is thirteen. Isn't the godmother supposed to be the one who takes over should anything happen to the parents? I think Claudia is okay as an Official Babysitter, close cousin, and all-around positive and constant influence in Lynn's life, but a godmother? I think she's kind of young for that and that's an unfair amount of responsibility to hoist on a 13-year-old as well.
Chapter 5
Babysitting chapter. I always skip those unless they're plot-relevant and feature main plot stars.
This is a Claud book and Claud's my favorite. This book had me in stitches. Her obsessive behavior over her aunt's new baby is just ridiculous in every way, shape, and form. And her outfit on the cover rocks. for realsies. This is basically an older and slightly less obnoxious version of Karen's Baby, which I snarked last summer. Also it's a Lerangis. Most later Claudia books seem to be Lerangis.
Chapter 1
Claudia and her family are gushing over how cutesy-wutesy a sonogram of Claudia's incoming baby cousin is!!! Socute, such a cute little alien blob face! :D Janine provides the only accurate description of this fetus, "Compressed," and gets Dirty Looked for it of course, because Janine's not allowed to do anything or speak or venture out of her Nerd Cave ever. How dare you think, Janine! Claudia thinks sonograms are taken by "singing through the camera." Aw Claud, I love your cluelessness. She gives a thorough review about why sonograms are ugly when it comes to quality, and it wasn't until I started pursuing all media of art (not just jewelry) as a serious career that I understood this. They discuss baby names. Claudia talks about Mimi for a few paragraphs and suggests the baby be named Mimi. Then she talks about herself and says she thought "physics" were about soda bubbles (FIZZ-iks!). General I'M STUPID BUT I'M ARTISTIC!!!!!! talk. She leaves for school and takes the sonogram with her, so sure her friends all want to see a compressed alien blob baby. Which of course, they all do, since they're the BSC! Babies are like lifeblood to them! (The BSC eats babies. I HAVE SPOKEN!!!!) Claudia gets SO offended when Logan's like "Is this an underwater fungus?" I probably woulda said the same thing. Or an alien. I like aliens better than fungi. Logan gets all upset about it because calling an in utero baby a fungus is just such a horrible thing to do. Instead of y'know, joking about, "So that's a baby? SO WE ALL STARTED OUT AS MUTANT ALIEN BROOD-FUNGI?" Hahahah, brood-fungi. In social studies, Claudia Epic Fails at naming The City of Brotherly Love, thinking "Hermosa Beach." Oh, Claudia, you and your brain thoughts. But then she guesses Philadelphia and is correct, so the teacher gives her a free trip to Philly. Wow, this class gets free trips to Philly for getting answers right? We meet Melissa, who I like, and who runs over to Claudia to hug her. I utterly despise Claud's treatment of Melissa throughout the rest of this book.
Chapter 2
BSC time. Of course Kristy has to be a pedantic little prick about Claudia's trip. Do you all remember how much I utterly despise Kristy? Good. Kristy's like "Well, it's just Philadelphia." Well I'm sorry Claudia's idea of a fun vacation doesn't match yours, Kristy. Now stfu and stfd. Stacey and Abby mention pretzels with mustard, and Claudia's like hay let's do that shit. Kristy gets all prissy again all K BUT YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES. Nevermind that this is CLAUD'S HOUSE. I really want Claud to just throw her out of her house when she gets like this. But instead, Claud's a sheep and hyperspeeds for the mustard to put on the pretzels...only to find that her bestest fwiends have eaten all of her pretzels by the time she gets back. Claudia, please toss them out of your house. Or at least, toss Kristy. Then she talks about the BSC for two pages and they get sitting calls, and then one from Russ. OMGWTFBBQ PEACHES IS HAVIN' DA BABY!!!! Claudia absolutely explodes like it's HER baby.
Chapter 3
Who else would enable a baby obsession but the BSC? They probably fostered it. Kristy of course goes "GIVE HER A FLYER FOR THE CLUB!" FFS, Kristy, you think Peaches is gonna dump her newborn on you after she just spawned or something? And they want to be called THE VERY SECOND THE BABY POPS OUT. Claudia runs into a door, then runs outside and goes ripshit at her parents about GET IN THE CAR BACK IT UP PEACHES IS HAVING THE BABY! Instead of telling her to calm the fuck down, they all zoom at breakneck speed to the hospital. Claudia's clueless about childbirth of course, and doesn't know that "How far along is she" does not mean "When did they leave the house." They get to the delivery room and Claudia goes on about what a happy special magical place a delivery room is, and how joy is behind every haggard face and exhausted posture. She sounds like a fucking Etsy seller in the Annoying Descriptions category on Regretsy. The birth is taking a long time, but Claudia shoots down all her family's requests to go home for a while. SHE IS GOING TO SEE THIS BABY THE MOMENT IT IS BORN, DAMMIT. She needs to get a grip. The baby's finally born after a load of sappy annoying drama.
Chapter 4
Claudia tries to mind-control Peaches and Russ into naming the baby Mimi, but they finally decide to name the baby Lynn, after Claudia LYNN Kishi. This is actually super-sweet. Awwww. Claudia asks to come see Lynn tomorrow after school, and Russ says, "You bet. By then we'll need a trained babysitter." Considering Claudia's already-building obsession and her behavior throughout the rest of the book, I am going to say this is one of the WORST things Russ could've said. You see, Claudia is soon going to think she, a 13-year-old babysitter, is a better parent and caregiver for this child than the actual parents. And it. Is. Creepy. Claudia smiles in her sleep all night thinking about Lynn, and then runs to tell her friends the news the next day. Her friends want her to shove a Polaroid at the newborn's face so they can see her instantly. Typical BSC baby-obsession, what else is new? Claudia does worse in school than usual that day because "she's missing out on crucial bonding time with Lynn!" Claudia, Lynn is NOT your kid. The PARENTS are the ones who need to worry about bonding with Lynn the day after her birth. You can miss out on a few hours' worth to give the parents one-on-one time with their newborn. After school, Claudia is so excited that she runs into the delivery room instead of the maternity room and is escorted out by a nurse. Claudia gushes over Lynn, Lynn smiles at her and Russ has to ruin it by saying it's just gas. Awww, that's a dick move. xD Claudia gives Peaches a blanket she and Mary Anne had been working on when Peaches was supposed to have her first child (she miscarried). Peaches bursts into tears. This is a genuinely sweet moment that makes me go d'awww every time. But then, Peaches and Russ ask Claudia to be Lynn' godmother Uh, excuse me but, Claudia is thirteen. Isn't the godmother supposed to be the one who takes over should anything happen to the parents? I think Claudia is okay as an Official Babysitter, close cousin, and all-around positive and constant influence in Lynn's life, but a godmother? I think she's kind of young for that and that's an unfair amount of responsibility to hoist on a 13-year-old as well.
Chapter 5
Babysitting chapter. I always skip those unless they're plot-relevant and feature main plot stars.