Mystery #35: Abby and the Notorious Neighbor, Chapters 1-3
Why do I have a feeling that a better title would be "Mystery #35: gimere and the Mystery of Why She Decided to Snark This Book"?
Well, anyway, let's get started, shall we?
Chapter 1 begins with...that fucking allergy speak. I hate that. I get allergies for a good portion of the year, and I do NOT sound like Ann and the ghostwriters think I ought to. OK, mini-rant over, back to the plot.
It's a Monday morning in early June, and Abby isn't feeling well (though she insists that "[she'll] be fide"--dammit, ghostie, stop that!). Mrs. Stevenson offers to make a cup of herbal tea, which is fine with Abby. Just as Mrs. Stevenson is about to turn on the stove, there's a "roar" from outside--Mr. Finch, one of their neighbors, is about to start mowing his lawn (The hell, dude? Why can't you wait until at least 9 AM to do that? Not everyone is cheery and awake at 8, y'know!).
Abby narrates that Mr. Finch is "a fastidious home owner" and "not a particularly neighborly neighbor." Abby, hon, there's nothing with being meticulous or keeping to yourself...well, except in Stoneybrook, where it makes you a subversive person. SHUN THIS EVIL MAAAAAAN!
...
...I'm OK now.
So anyway, we get the usual Chapter 1 exposition--twin sister Anna, allergies, originally from Long Island, blah blah--and the chapter ends with Abby saying: "Thirty-wud, thirty-two, thirty-three. It’s going to be a wodderful day." One chapter down, and I'm already annoyed. Fabulous.
Chapter 2 is Chapter 2, so I'll hit the highlights:
- Abby still isn't feeling well throughout the chapter--she's very tired and falls asleep during the meeting. Surprisingly, she is not flogged for this. Are we in Bizarro World?
- "[Kristy] gave a horrified gasp. 'Ugh! Why are your eyes so red? You look awful,' she said." It's just lovely to see Miss Thomas' tact and compassion in action, no?
- LE GASP! Kristy actually suggests that "Maybe [Abby] should have stayed home." OMG, we ARE in Bizarro World! Can we stay here?
- "Kristy always thinks she knows best. The funny thing is that she often does." No, she does not! I won't cite specific examples, because we'd be here all day, but no, Abby, no. Just...no.
- "Stacey has a big job." Oh yes, because collecting money and stuffing it in an envelope is just back-breaking. Suuuuure. (OK, OK, the budgeting aspect can be difficult, but other than that, being the BSC treasurer is not that hard.)
- I spot a subplot! "The Stoneybrook Community Center was sponsoring [a go-cart competition] as a special fund-raiser, and it was going to take place soon. Teams of kids were building their own go-carts for the race. The winners could designate which charity their prize money would go to. I thought the project sounded cool." That's actually not that bad. In fact, I kinda like it.
- By the end of the chapter, Abby realizes that whatever is ailing her likely isn't her allergies acting up. DUN DUN DUN, chapter over.
Chapter 3 opens with dialogue (of course it does), though it's not the usual kind--Abby's channel-surfing. She eventually gets tired of "Dumb videos on MTV. [OMFG videos on MTV! Who da thunk it?] I Love Lucy reruns I knew by heart. Game shows. Nature shows. Soap operas. Talk shows about stuff I’d never heard of and never wanted to hear about again." Why isn't Abby in school, you ask? Well, she's still quite sick (I initally typed "quite suck"--really, fingers?), so Mrs. Stevenson lets her stay home.
So Abby is still resting and channel-surfing when something catches her eye: "opening credits - in blood red - of a show called Mystery Trackers," a pastiche of America's Most Wanted and other such shows. The show profiles three cases: a male bank robber, a woman who held up a post office (and as an aside, are you for real, Abby?! You're suprised at a female criminal? For fuck's sake...) and a man who not only bankrupted his company, but also stole his wife's life savings and then abandoned his family (such an upstanding citizen, that asshole).One of the suspects seems familiar to Abby for some reason, though she can't figure out which one it is. Ooh, what's that I smell? Could it be a...plot device?!
Anyway, the chapter ends with Abby being determined to not let her imagination get the best of her.
OK, I can't take much more of this right now. The next part will be up in a few days.
(Edited to add a cut. Oooops...)
Well, anyway, let's get started, shall we?
Chapter 1 begins with...that fucking allergy speak. I hate that. I get allergies for a good portion of the year, and I do NOT sound like Ann and the ghostwriters think I ought to. OK, mini-rant over, back to the plot.
It's a Monday morning in early June, and Abby isn't feeling well (though she insists that "[she'll] be fide"--dammit, ghostie, stop that!). Mrs. Stevenson offers to make a cup of herbal tea, which is fine with Abby. Just as Mrs. Stevenson is about to turn on the stove, there's a "roar" from outside--Mr. Finch, one of their neighbors, is about to start mowing his lawn (The hell, dude? Why can't you wait until at least 9 AM to do that? Not everyone is cheery and awake at 8, y'know!).
Abby narrates that Mr. Finch is "a fastidious home owner" and "not a particularly neighborly neighbor." Abby, hon, there's nothing with being meticulous or keeping to yourself...well, except in Stoneybrook, where it makes you a subversive person. SHUN THIS EVIL MAAAAAAN!
...
...I'm OK now.
So anyway, we get the usual Chapter 1 exposition--twin sister Anna, allergies, originally from Long Island, blah blah--and the chapter ends with Abby saying: "Thirty-wud, thirty-two, thirty-three. It’s going to be a wodderful day." One chapter down, and I'm already annoyed. Fabulous.
Chapter 2 is Chapter 2, so I'll hit the highlights:
- Abby still isn't feeling well throughout the chapter--she's very tired and falls asleep during the meeting. Surprisingly, she is not flogged for this. Are we in Bizarro World?
- "[Kristy] gave a horrified gasp. 'Ugh! Why are your eyes so red? You look awful,' she said." It's just lovely to see Miss Thomas' tact and compassion in action, no?
- LE GASP! Kristy actually suggests that "Maybe [Abby] should have stayed home." OMG, we ARE in Bizarro World! Can we stay here?
- "Kristy always thinks she knows best. The funny thing is that she often does." No, she does not! I won't cite specific examples, because we'd be here all day, but no, Abby, no. Just...no.
- "Stacey has a big job." Oh yes, because collecting money and stuffing it in an envelope is just back-breaking. Suuuuure. (OK, OK, the budgeting aspect can be difficult, but other than that, being the BSC treasurer is not that hard.)
- I spot a subplot! "The Stoneybrook Community Center was sponsoring [a go-cart competition] as a special fund-raiser, and it was going to take place soon. Teams of kids were building their own go-carts for the race. The winners could designate which charity their prize money would go to. I thought the project sounded cool." That's actually not that bad. In fact, I kinda like it.
- By the end of the chapter, Abby realizes that whatever is ailing her likely isn't her allergies acting up. DUN DUN DUN, chapter over.
Chapter 3 opens with dialogue (of course it does), though it's not the usual kind--Abby's channel-surfing. She eventually gets tired of "Dumb videos on MTV. [OMFG videos on MTV! Who da thunk it?] I Love Lucy reruns I knew by heart. Game shows. Nature shows. Soap operas. Talk shows about stuff I’d never heard of and never wanted to hear about again." Why isn't Abby in school, you ask? Well, she's still quite sick (I initally typed "quite suck"--really, fingers?), so Mrs. Stevenson lets her stay home.
So Abby is still resting and channel-surfing when something catches her eye: "opening credits - in blood red - of a show called Mystery Trackers," a pastiche of America's Most Wanted and other such shows. The show profiles three cases: a male bank robber, a woman who held up a post office (and as an aside, are you for real, Abby?! You're suprised at a female criminal? For fuck's sake...) and a man who not only bankrupted his company, but also stole his wife's life savings and then abandoned his family (such an upstanding citizen, that asshole).One of the suspects seems familiar to Abby for some reason, though she can't figure out which one it is. Ooh, what's that I smell? Could it be a...plot device?!
Anyway, the chapter ends with Abby being determined to not let her imagination get the best of her.
OK, I can't take much more of this right now. The next part will be up in a few days.
(Edited to add a cut. Oooops...)