Karen's Worst Day, chs. 7-14
Hello! I'm finally back. It's been a hellish week and a half or so, hence my lack of continuation of this snark. But I've got some time to kill before I have to meet some of my classmates at school to work on a group project, so I figured I would take the time to snark. (Side Note: I hate group projects in college. Seriously, I'm not paying $25,000/year to do group projects.)
Anyway, if you did not read my first installment or need to catch-up, go here: chapters 1-6.
Let's roll!
Chapter 7
Karen is right where we left her: standing in the back yard of the big house, with Boo-Boo in a tree ignoring her. (Not that I blame him or anything.) By then, Boo-Boo had climbed to the highest branch, away from the irritating six year-old who just won’t leave the pets alone. Karen attempts to get the cat out of the tree by standing next to it and calling his name, but Boo-Boo was all, “Screw you, demon child, I’m staying right here.” Well, at least that’s what I like to think he said.
Karen glances over at David Michael, who is gleefully playing with Shannon. Karen muses, “David Michael had forgotten all about Boo-Boo and me. So had Shannon.” This instigates Karen’s ridiculous competitive tendencies: she decides that she’s going get Boo-Boo down to play with her to make David Michael jealous.
Karen, you obviously don’t know the first thing about cats. Cats do NOT play on command. If you have a cat, you must do things on their time, not the other way around. The cat is in charge, not you. And I should know, I’ve got two cats of my own.
Karen gets a brilliant idea to coax Boo-Boo down with a bowl of food. She acknowledges that “Boo-Boo had just eaten his breakfast, but so what. He had not eaten his crunchy food. He would want a treat.” Oh, very responsible of you, Karen. Did you know that overfeeding the cat can lead to some serious health problems? She got a bowl full of cat food and held it under the tree. Boo-Boo looked at it, and didn’t move. Good boy, Boo-Boo. Don’t accept the food. Back away from the food!
Not ready to give up, Karen did something that makes my maternal instincts scream: she starts to climb the tree after him. Mind you, she still has her broken arm, so she is climbing the tree with her arm still in a cast.
Oh, my own mother would have yanked my ass from that tree so fast and sent me to my room. I probably would have gotten a good spanking, too. I do not have any children, but after spending time with my best friend’s four year-old nephew who always tries to run out into the street, now I understand why.
Thankfully, Watson was paying attention. In a rare instance of good parenting, he screams at her from the kitchen window to get out of the tree. He even uses her full name, which we all know damn well means business. Karen felt the need to tell us that she “hadn’t gotten very far anyway.” So what, Karen? Are you hoping to fall down and be stuck in that cast for longer?
Anyway, Boo-Boo started moving down the tree. Apparently, he had decided that he’d had enough of this six year-old badgering him. Karen was excited, but she didn’t say anything, because then she thought he would stay in the tree “just to make [her] mad.” Right, Karen, because every single fucking thing that everyone else does is for you and your feelings.
When Boo-Boo made it to the ground, MD (who was in the next yard, busily tending to her garden) starts waving her rake and shouting, “Fiddlesticks!” My guess is that an animal ate some of her favorite herbs and she is mad. Boo-Boo is spooked by this and he runs into the house. Karen postulates that “Fiddlesticks” is the word for an evil spell for cats, so she runs in the house, stating that “The witch was on the loose!”
Take note, snarkers: if you see an elderly woman shouting “Oh, fiddlesticks!” at her garden, hide your kitties.
Chapter 8
David Michael ran back inside, and Karen claims that MD put a spell on him. Her reason? “Because he got really mean.” Well, gee, Karen-have you really given him a good reason to be nice to you today? You were kind of a bitch to him at breakfast. Can you blame him?
David Michael calls to Elizabeth that he wants to go to Linny’s, which prompts Karen to explain that he is Hannie’s older brother and that they both live across the street and one house down. Well, actually, first she talks about Linny, then she explains that he has a really little sister named Sari, and then she finally brings up Hannie. She says that Hannie is her best friend-then corrects herself: “Well, she is my best friend when I am at the big house. When I am at the little house, I have a different best friend. (Her name is Nancy.)” Gee, thanks, Karen; I would be so flattered to be one of your best friends if you’re going to put it that way…
She suddenly decides that she feels like playing with Hannie. Literally, that’s exactly how she said it. Such a good friend, eh?
Karen and David Michael bicker back and forth for a few lines, because he doesn’t want Karen to go with him and Karen’s all whiny. But by coincidence, Linny and Hannie just happen to show up at the front door just then. Linny and Hannie cheerfully invite the stepsiblings to ride their bicycles to a brook to go catch minnows and crayfish, and to have a picnic lunch. David Michael is all ecstatic and runs off to ask Elizabeth, while Karen stays back and goes off on Hannie. Evidently, Hannie has forgotten that Karen is still wearing her cast, which unfortunately means that she can neither ride her bicycle nor play around in water. She accuses Hannie of intentionally being mean, and calls her a toad. (A “toad”? Really? That sounds like an insult my grandmother would have used.) They continue to have a bitch-fight back and forth for several lines. Then David Michael shows back up with a bag of apples from Elizabeth that she gives them to enjoy on their picnic. He and Linny run off. (By the way, Linny had apparently been standing there listening to his sister and Karen the whole time they are going at it… I’ll bet he was ready to bolt by the time David Michael came back.) Karen and Hannie exchange a few more harsh words, and Hannie runs off to catch up with the boys.
Okay, I have to be honest: I think Karen had a legitimate reason to be angry here. Being left out because of a medical condition does really suck. I was an extremely accident-prone child (and to be honest, I still am as a grown woman), so I was always the one left out of games when I was recovering from some injury. Plus, I can’t help but want to smack Elizabeth for handing them a bag of apples for their bicycle trip/picnic while Karen was clearly being left out. That’s not cool.
So, okay, fine. This one I’ll give her. But she’s not getting off so easy in the next chapter.
Chapter 9
Karen stands behind the closed door for a moment, wondering what to do. She calls for Kristy, who is in the kitchen baking brownies for the next BSC meeting. Of course, AMM takes this opportunity to remind us that Kristy and her friends have a babysitting club. Shameless plug for more books: hint hint, readers! Go buy the BSC books! Drain Mom’s bank account!
I’m surprised she didn’t also take the opportunity to remind us that the club treasurer was diabetic and therefore couldn’t eat any of the brownies.
Kristy and Karen decide to go play a game together, so they go to Kristy’s room and start a checkers game. Karen spends an entire paragraph going on and on about how Kristy has this huge bed. Why was this relevant? Oh, God, I don’t know if I want to know.
Karen reinforces to us that Kristy was “not a toad.” Unlike some people. Hello, Karen. Would you like a little “passive” with your “aggressive”?
So Karen proceeds to start whooping Kristy’s ass, and she figures out that Kristy is holding back and letting her win. She scolds Kristy, who promises that she will not let her win anymore. Then, after Kristy starts playing for real, Kristy wins the game. Karen flips her shit over this, claiming that she is a good checkers player and how dare Kristy beat her!
Kristy’s reply: “Well, you said not to let you win. So I didn’t.” Well, Karen, she’s got you there.
Karen still continues to be a sore loser, so Kristy suggests that they play again. This time, Karen is burying Kristy alive. She gets really excited, but then she notices that Kristy is once again letting her win. She flips out again. Kristy tries to apologize and calmly explain that Karen said that she didn’t want her to let her win, but then she was mad when she lost, so she didn’t know what to do.
Karen doesn’t let Kristy finish. She runs off, continuing her outburst.
Karen, make up your fucking mind! For real. (I suddenly feel like calling my own older sister and apologizing if I ever acted this ridiculous when we were kids. I mean, damn!)
Chapter 10
This next chapter is actually pretty boring. The only thing of importance that happens is that Karen wanders around the house looking for something to hug. Since the animals are asleep (finally sick of her rudely forcing them awake to play with her against their will), she ends up going to her room to hug Moosie. This goes well, and she hugs him and tells him all about her bad day.
No snarking here, I can’t say I never spoke to my stuffed animals when I was her age. Sometimes, inanimate objects are better to talk to than your friends are. Stuffed animals don’t talk back!
So she rehashes the bad day, and then randomly decides that Moosie needs a wardrobe change. She begins to strip the stuffed cat from his tee shirt and… oh noes! She discovers that he has a gash in his belly, and stuffing is coming out. The chapter ends with Karen running from the room, shouting for Elizabeth.
Yeah, this chapter is boring.
Chapter 11
Elizabeth comes to Karen’s rescue, and Karen is bellowing about how her stuffed cat is “dying.” Elizabeth humors her, and says that she is the “animal doctor” and can stich him closed. Karen calms down and agrees to let her fix Moosie’s wound.
Screw the “evil stepmother” stereotype, this is awesome of Elizabeth. My mother would have just pointed in the direction of her sewing box and said, “You know where the safety pins are.”
As Elizabeth gives Moosie stitches, she tells Karen about her own worst day ever. She reveals that she was sixteen years old-or, as Karen points out, “older than Kristy.” Heh, I guess that’s a six year-old way of slamming your older stepsister when you’re mad at her. For once, Karen actually shuts up and listens as Elizabeth tells her the story of the bad day her stepmother once had during her youth: she failed a test, her gym teacher yelled at her, she burned her family’s dinner, she cut herself, she fought with her siblings, and she lost her favorite earrings. Karen commiserated with her stepmother, for once thinking about someone’s pain other than her own. Holy crap, everyone, call CNN: Karen Brewer actually seems to give a rat’s behind about someone other than Karen Brewer!
Elizabeth also tells her about the story Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day. After she finishes with Moosie, she gets the book from David Michael’s room. Something tells me Elizabeth has done this before with one of her biological children…
She sits with Karen on her bed and they read the story together. Karen laughs and relates the entire way through, her spirits lifting. At times like this, I wish like hell I had a scanner. There is an illustration of Elizabeth and Karen reading the book together… and the book cover is totally backwards. The back of the book says the title on it. Yet another bad art move in this book.
After reading the book, Elizabeth suggests that Karen gets back in bed and pretends to wake up for the first time, to “start over” her bad day. Elizabeth even calls for her to wake up. It is actually sort of cute.
Chapter 12
After the starting-over ritual, Elizabeth informs Karen that the mail is on the way soon, and she suggests that Karen go fetch it. Karen is excited, because the mailperson (Mr. Venta) sometimes lets her ride in his truck down the street. Which totally just verified to me how dated this book is-nowadays, the six o’clock news would probably fry your ass if you allowed your children to hop into a car with a stranger, even if it is just the mailperson. That is way too dangerous nowadays. There are too many sickos out there to trust with your kids.
Karen hangs out on the stoop and waits for the mail truck to appear. She starts to wonder when David Michael, Linny, and Hannie will come back. She feels bad for yelling at Hannie, because she wants to play with her. Well, Karen, if you hadn’t been such a bitch to her, then maybe she would have stayed back and found something fun to do with you around the house.
Karen sits there on the stoop, boredly counting all the signatures on her cast, until she hears the mail truck approaching. It was several houses away, so she rushes over to catch up.
However, when she gets there, she realizes that Mr. Venta is not working. Some lady is there instead. Karen wisely decides to walk home, understanding that you shouldn’t ask strangers for rides. Lucky for the new mailperson. I wouldn’t want to drive Karen home, either.
Karen waits, and accepts the mail from the lady. In addition to several other letters, there is a package. Karen gets all excited, hoping that it is for her.
No, Karen, it’s for Andrew. Ha ha, Karen-more points for your little brother! Crunch-O tattoos, cartoons, AND a package all in one day. I think Karen’s bad karma may have ruled in favor of her little brother.
Chapter 13
Karen is in the kitchen watching Elizabeth hamburger patties. Elizabeth had asked Karen what she wanted for dinner, and Karen suggested hamburgers. Now, she is watching as Elizabeth slaves away making dinner for eight. Geez, Karen, this is the third time Elizabeth has given you special treatment today. Couldn’t you at least be helping?
Watson and Andrew return home, with Andrew donning a new haircut. His hair is very short. Elizabeth gushes that he looks handsome. Karen bitterly disagrees, but she keeps these thoughts to herself, passive-aggressively thinking about how the barber cut his hair too short. She is still seething that her brother got both the Crunch-O prize and a package. And cartoon, Karen. You forgot the cartoons. Yes, Karen, deal with it, bitch. It’s Andrew’s turn to shine. Move aside.
The package is apparently from Andrew’s godparents, who are sending him a package for no good reason. Karen reveals that she has different godparents, who sometimes send her presents too. But this isn’t one of her days for presents, so she is bitter and jealous. Once again rolling with the passive-aggression, she wishes that the present would be underwear or socks or something boring.
Once again, however, karma is not on Karen’s side: Andrew’s package is two movies. He gets Lady and the Tramp and The Secret of NIMH. He is happy, and Karen continues to seethe bitterly. Then, Andrew innocently asks Karen if she would like to watch the movies with him. He’s being serious, he genuinely wants to share the movies with her. But oh, no. Selfish, passive-aggressive, bitter, green-eyed Karen Monster cannot accept anything but having it all. She goes apeshit on her brother, making fun of his haircut and saying that she thinks the movies are stupid and that he’s going to hate them. Andrew starts to cry, wondering why the hell he even bothered trying to be nice to his asshole of an older sister.
Andrew, get used to it. In another ten years, you’re going to have to deal with PMS Karen. (Oh, that’s a scary thought: teenager Karen with raging PMS. I wonder if she’ll call Hannie and call her a toad then, too…)
Watson has finally had enough of his daughter making an ass of herself, so he yells at her and sends her to her room. He says she cannot leave her room for twenty minutes.
Karen pouts and stomps up to her room “as loudly as [she] can.” Oh, Watson, why oh why don’t you spank your children? If I would have thrown a tantrum like that, I wouldn’t have been able to sit for a week. You can rest assure there would have been none of that “go to your room for twenty minutes” crap. Oh, please-I had a TV, a VCR, and Nintendo in my room. That wasn’t a punishment, that was a treat.
Chapter 14
Karen stomps into her room, musing about how “unfair” her punishment was. Karen, you just insulted your little brother when he dared to do something nice for you. Let’s talk about “unfair.” She starts to slam the door, but the changes her mind and shuts it quietly, remembering that her parents don’t like slamming doors.
Such a rebel.
Karen cries, cries, and cries, musing about how awful her day is and how much everyone hates her. No, Karen, nobody “hates” you. But if you don’t stop being such an asshole, that will change soon.
Karen talks to Moosie again, who seems to be the only one other than Elizabeth who isn’t on her Shit List today. Then she starts singing the song, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms!”
Oh, AMM. Don’t tempt me with such an amazing idea. Even as a kid, I would have paid great money to watch someone force Karen Brewer to eat a few worms. Take the little brat down a peg or two.
She screams the song at the top of her lungs until Watson comes to her door and announces that she can come out now. Karen triumphantly announces that she had only been in her room for fifteen minutes, and she thinks that he just was sick of listening to her sing that song.
Alright, that’s it. Come on, snarkers-you hold her down, I’ll get the worms.
I don't know when I will get the final installment, because the end of the term is approaching so my workload is CRAZY busy right now. Hopefully, I can get this finished soon.
Anyway, if you did not read my first installment or need to catch-up, go here: chapters 1-6.
Let's roll!
Chapter 7
Karen is right where we left her: standing in the back yard of the big house, with Boo-Boo in a tree ignoring her. (Not that I blame him or anything.) By then, Boo-Boo had climbed to the highest branch, away from the irritating six year-old who just won’t leave the pets alone. Karen attempts to get the cat out of the tree by standing next to it and calling his name, but Boo-Boo was all, “Screw you, demon child, I’m staying right here.” Well, at least that’s what I like to think he said.
Karen glances over at David Michael, who is gleefully playing with Shannon. Karen muses, “David Michael had forgotten all about Boo-Boo and me. So had Shannon.” This instigates Karen’s ridiculous competitive tendencies: she decides that she’s going get Boo-Boo down to play with her to make David Michael jealous.
Karen, you obviously don’t know the first thing about cats. Cats do NOT play on command. If you have a cat, you must do things on their time, not the other way around. The cat is in charge, not you. And I should know, I’ve got two cats of my own.
Karen gets a brilliant idea to coax Boo-Boo down with a bowl of food. She acknowledges that “Boo-Boo had just eaten his breakfast, but so what. He had not eaten his crunchy food. He would want a treat.” Oh, very responsible of you, Karen. Did you know that overfeeding the cat can lead to some serious health problems? She got a bowl full of cat food and held it under the tree. Boo-Boo looked at it, and didn’t move. Good boy, Boo-Boo. Don’t accept the food. Back away from the food!
Not ready to give up, Karen did something that makes my maternal instincts scream: she starts to climb the tree after him. Mind you, she still has her broken arm, so she is climbing the tree with her arm still in a cast.
Oh, my own mother would have yanked my ass from that tree so fast and sent me to my room. I probably would have gotten a good spanking, too. I do not have any children, but after spending time with my best friend’s four year-old nephew who always tries to run out into the street, now I understand why.
Thankfully, Watson was paying attention. In a rare instance of good parenting, he screams at her from the kitchen window to get out of the tree. He even uses her full name, which we all know damn well means business. Karen felt the need to tell us that she “hadn’t gotten very far anyway.” So what, Karen? Are you hoping to fall down and be stuck in that cast for longer?
Anyway, Boo-Boo started moving down the tree. Apparently, he had decided that he’d had enough of this six year-old badgering him. Karen was excited, but she didn’t say anything, because then she thought he would stay in the tree “just to make [her] mad.” Right, Karen, because every single fucking thing that everyone else does is for you and your feelings.
When Boo-Boo made it to the ground, MD (who was in the next yard, busily tending to her garden) starts waving her rake and shouting, “Fiddlesticks!” My guess is that an animal ate some of her favorite herbs and she is mad. Boo-Boo is spooked by this and he runs into the house. Karen postulates that “Fiddlesticks” is the word for an evil spell for cats, so she runs in the house, stating that “The witch was on the loose!”
Take note, snarkers: if you see an elderly woman shouting “Oh, fiddlesticks!” at her garden, hide your kitties.
Chapter 8
David Michael ran back inside, and Karen claims that MD put a spell on him. Her reason? “Because he got really mean.” Well, gee, Karen-have you really given him a good reason to be nice to you today? You were kind of a bitch to him at breakfast. Can you blame him?
David Michael calls to Elizabeth that he wants to go to Linny’s, which prompts Karen to explain that he is Hannie’s older brother and that they both live across the street and one house down. Well, actually, first she talks about Linny, then she explains that he has a really little sister named Sari, and then she finally brings up Hannie. She says that Hannie is her best friend-then corrects herself: “Well, she is my best friend when I am at the big house. When I am at the little house, I have a different best friend. (Her name is Nancy.)” Gee, thanks, Karen; I would be so flattered to be one of your best friends if you’re going to put it that way…
She suddenly decides that she feels like playing with Hannie. Literally, that’s exactly how she said it. Such a good friend, eh?
Karen and David Michael bicker back and forth for a few lines, because he doesn’t want Karen to go with him and Karen’s all whiny. But by coincidence, Linny and Hannie just happen to show up at the front door just then. Linny and Hannie cheerfully invite the stepsiblings to ride their bicycles to a brook to go catch minnows and crayfish, and to have a picnic lunch. David Michael is all ecstatic and runs off to ask Elizabeth, while Karen stays back and goes off on Hannie. Evidently, Hannie has forgotten that Karen is still wearing her cast, which unfortunately means that she can neither ride her bicycle nor play around in water. She accuses Hannie of intentionally being mean, and calls her a toad. (A “toad”? Really? That sounds like an insult my grandmother would have used.) They continue to have a bitch-fight back and forth for several lines. Then David Michael shows back up with a bag of apples from Elizabeth that she gives them to enjoy on their picnic. He and Linny run off. (By the way, Linny had apparently been standing there listening to his sister and Karen the whole time they are going at it… I’ll bet he was ready to bolt by the time David Michael came back.) Karen and Hannie exchange a few more harsh words, and Hannie runs off to catch up with the boys.
Okay, I have to be honest: I think Karen had a legitimate reason to be angry here. Being left out because of a medical condition does really suck. I was an extremely accident-prone child (and to be honest, I still am as a grown woman), so I was always the one left out of games when I was recovering from some injury. Plus, I can’t help but want to smack Elizabeth for handing them a bag of apples for their bicycle trip/picnic while Karen was clearly being left out. That’s not cool.
So, okay, fine. This one I’ll give her. But she’s not getting off so easy in the next chapter.
Chapter 9
Karen stands behind the closed door for a moment, wondering what to do. She calls for Kristy, who is in the kitchen baking brownies for the next BSC meeting. Of course, AMM takes this opportunity to remind us that Kristy and her friends have a babysitting club. Shameless plug for more books: hint hint, readers! Go buy the BSC books! Drain Mom’s bank account!
I’m surprised she didn’t also take the opportunity to remind us that the club treasurer was diabetic and therefore couldn’t eat any of the brownies.
Kristy and Karen decide to go play a game together, so they go to Kristy’s room and start a checkers game. Karen spends an entire paragraph going on and on about how Kristy has this huge bed. Why was this relevant? Oh, God, I don’t know if I want to know.
Karen reinforces to us that Kristy was “not a toad.” Unlike some people. Hello, Karen. Would you like a little “passive” with your “aggressive”?
So Karen proceeds to start whooping Kristy’s ass, and she figures out that Kristy is holding back and letting her win. She scolds Kristy, who promises that she will not let her win anymore. Then, after Kristy starts playing for real, Kristy wins the game. Karen flips her shit over this, claiming that she is a good checkers player and how dare Kristy beat her!
Kristy’s reply: “Well, you said not to let you win. So I didn’t.” Well, Karen, she’s got you there.
Karen still continues to be a sore loser, so Kristy suggests that they play again. This time, Karen is burying Kristy alive. She gets really excited, but then she notices that Kristy is once again letting her win. She flips out again. Kristy tries to apologize and calmly explain that Karen said that she didn’t want her to let her win, but then she was mad when she lost, so she didn’t know what to do.
Karen doesn’t let Kristy finish. She runs off, continuing her outburst.
Karen, make up your fucking mind! For real. (I suddenly feel like calling my own older sister and apologizing if I ever acted this ridiculous when we were kids. I mean, damn!)
Chapter 10
This next chapter is actually pretty boring. The only thing of importance that happens is that Karen wanders around the house looking for something to hug. Since the animals are asleep (finally sick of her rudely forcing them awake to play with her against their will), she ends up going to her room to hug Moosie. This goes well, and she hugs him and tells him all about her bad day.
No snarking here, I can’t say I never spoke to my stuffed animals when I was her age. Sometimes, inanimate objects are better to talk to than your friends are. Stuffed animals don’t talk back!
So she rehashes the bad day, and then randomly decides that Moosie needs a wardrobe change. She begins to strip the stuffed cat from his tee shirt and… oh noes! She discovers that he has a gash in his belly, and stuffing is coming out. The chapter ends with Karen running from the room, shouting for Elizabeth.
Yeah, this chapter is boring.
Chapter 11
Elizabeth comes to Karen’s rescue, and Karen is bellowing about how her stuffed cat is “dying.” Elizabeth humors her, and says that she is the “animal doctor” and can stich him closed. Karen calms down and agrees to let her fix Moosie’s wound.
Screw the “evil stepmother” stereotype, this is awesome of Elizabeth. My mother would have just pointed in the direction of her sewing box and said, “You know where the safety pins are.”
As Elizabeth gives Moosie stitches, she tells Karen about her own worst day ever. She reveals that she was sixteen years old-or, as Karen points out, “older than Kristy.” Heh, I guess that’s a six year-old way of slamming your older stepsister when you’re mad at her. For once, Karen actually shuts up and listens as Elizabeth tells her the story of the bad day her stepmother once had during her youth: she failed a test, her gym teacher yelled at her, she burned her family’s dinner, she cut herself, she fought with her siblings, and she lost her favorite earrings. Karen commiserated with her stepmother, for once thinking about someone’s pain other than her own. Holy crap, everyone, call CNN: Karen Brewer actually seems to give a rat’s behind about someone other than Karen Brewer!
Elizabeth also tells her about the story Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day. After she finishes with Moosie, she gets the book from David Michael’s room. Something tells me Elizabeth has done this before with one of her biological children…
She sits with Karen on her bed and they read the story together. Karen laughs and relates the entire way through, her spirits lifting. At times like this, I wish like hell I had a scanner. There is an illustration of Elizabeth and Karen reading the book together… and the book cover is totally backwards. The back of the book says the title on it. Yet another bad art move in this book.
After reading the book, Elizabeth suggests that Karen gets back in bed and pretends to wake up for the first time, to “start over” her bad day. Elizabeth even calls for her to wake up. It is actually sort of cute.
Chapter 12
After the starting-over ritual, Elizabeth informs Karen that the mail is on the way soon, and she suggests that Karen go fetch it. Karen is excited, because the mailperson (Mr. Venta) sometimes lets her ride in his truck down the street. Which totally just verified to me how dated this book is-nowadays, the six o’clock news would probably fry your ass if you allowed your children to hop into a car with a stranger, even if it is just the mailperson. That is way too dangerous nowadays. There are too many sickos out there to trust with your kids.
Karen hangs out on the stoop and waits for the mail truck to appear. She starts to wonder when David Michael, Linny, and Hannie will come back. She feels bad for yelling at Hannie, because she wants to play with her. Well, Karen, if you hadn’t been such a bitch to her, then maybe she would have stayed back and found something fun to do with you around the house.
Karen sits there on the stoop, boredly counting all the signatures on her cast, until she hears the mail truck approaching. It was several houses away, so she rushes over to catch up.
However, when she gets there, she realizes that Mr. Venta is not working. Some lady is there instead. Karen wisely decides to walk home, understanding that you shouldn’t ask strangers for rides. Lucky for the new mailperson. I wouldn’t want to drive Karen home, either.
Karen waits, and accepts the mail from the lady. In addition to several other letters, there is a package. Karen gets all excited, hoping that it is for her.
No, Karen, it’s for Andrew. Ha ha, Karen-more points for your little brother! Crunch-O tattoos, cartoons, AND a package all in one day. I think Karen’s bad karma may have ruled in favor of her little brother.
Chapter 13
Karen is in the kitchen watching Elizabeth hamburger patties. Elizabeth had asked Karen what she wanted for dinner, and Karen suggested hamburgers. Now, she is watching as Elizabeth slaves away making dinner for eight. Geez, Karen, this is the third time Elizabeth has given you special treatment today. Couldn’t you at least be helping?
Watson and Andrew return home, with Andrew donning a new haircut. His hair is very short. Elizabeth gushes that he looks handsome. Karen bitterly disagrees, but she keeps these thoughts to herself, passive-aggressively thinking about how the barber cut his hair too short. She is still seething that her brother got both the Crunch-O prize and a package. And cartoon, Karen. You forgot the cartoons. Yes, Karen, deal with it, bitch. It’s Andrew’s turn to shine. Move aside.
The package is apparently from Andrew’s godparents, who are sending him a package for no good reason. Karen reveals that she has different godparents, who sometimes send her presents too. But this isn’t one of her days for presents, so she is bitter and jealous. Once again rolling with the passive-aggression, she wishes that the present would be underwear or socks or something boring.
Once again, however, karma is not on Karen’s side: Andrew’s package is two movies. He gets Lady and the Tramp and The Secret of NIMH. He is happy, and Karen continues to seethe bitterly. Then, Andrew innocently asks Karen if she would like to watch the movies with him. He’s being serious, he genuinely wants to share the movies with her. But oh, no. Selfish, passive-aggressive, bitter, green-eyed Karen Monster cannot accept anything but having it all. She goes apeshit on her brother, making fun of his haircut and saying that she thinks the movies are stupid and that he’s going to hate them. Andrew starts to cry, wondering why the hell he even bothered trying to be nice to his asshole of an older sister.
Andrew, get used to it. In another ten years, you’re going to have to deal with PMS Karen. (Oh, that’s a scary thought: teenager Karen with raging PMS. I wonder if she’ll call Hannie and call her a toad then, too…)
Watson has finally had enough of his daughter making an ass of herself, so he yells at her and sends her to her room. He says she cannot leave her room for twenty minutes.
Karen pouts and stomps up to her room “as loudly as [she] can.” Oh, Watson, why oh why don’t you spank your children? If I would have thrown a tantrum like that, I wouldn’t have been able to sit for a week. You can rest assure there would have been none of that “go to your room for twenty minutes” crap. Oh, please-I had a TV, a VCR, and Nintendo in my room. That wasn’t a punishment, that was a treat.
Chapter 14
Karen stomps into her room, musing about how “unfair” her punishment was. Karen, you just insulted your little brother when he dared to do something nice for you. Let’s talk about “unfair.” She starts to slam the door, but the changes her mind and shuts it quietly, remembering that her parents don’t like slamming doors.
Such a rebel.
Karen cries, cries, and cries, musing about how awful her day is and how much everyone hates her. No, Karen, nobody “hates” you. But if you don’t stop being such an asshole, that will change soon.
Karen talks to Moosie again, who seems to be the only one other than Elizabeth who isn’t on her Shit List today. Then she starts singing the song, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms!”
Oh, AMM. Don’t tempt me with such an amazing idea. Even as a kid, I would have paid great money to watch someone force Karen Brewer to eat a few worms. Take the little brat down a peg or two.
She screams the song at the top of her lungs until Watson comes to her door and announces that she can come out now. Karen triumphantly announces that she had only been in her room for fifteen minutes, and she thinks that he just was sick of listening to her sing that song.
Alright, that’s it. Come on, snarkers-you hold her down, I’ll get the worms.
I don't know when I will get the final installment, because the end of the term is approaching so my workload is CRAZY busy right now. Hopefully, I can get this finished soon.