portrait collection: dawn's book chapters 1-3
I've been a long time lurker of this community until today I decided to use my dead lj account, and hunt into my attic for a book to snark. I always liked the portrait collections. Dawn, not so much. It was on the unsnarked list, so I decided to give it a go.
The book opens with Dawn asking, "Where am I?" She then remembers that she was drugged by the Baby Sitter's cult is on the West Coast, "and this time, it's for good." She tells us that not long ago she moved here from Connecticut, and helpfully adds that Connecticut is on the East Coast. She goes on to explain that her mother is remarried and lives in Connecticut, with Richard and Mary Anne. She now lives with her father, her stepmother Carol, and Jeff. "Pretty confusing, huh?" No, Dawn. I think even Claudia can handle the concept of divorce and remarriage.
Jeff knocks on her door and they have a pointless exchange where Dawn fails to understand how a knock-knock joke works. She opens the door and sees Frankenstein. She screams, then realizes it's just her brother wearing a Halloween mask. I just... We're two pages in and Dawn is demonstrating the mental capacity of one of her babysitting charges. Jeff and the mask have no relevance to anything at all. Dawn tells us about Carol, adding that she's younger than Dawn's father. Which...isn't unusual? My mom is younger than my dad. That goes for most people I know. Dawn goes to eat breakfast and Carol asks Dawn if she'd seen her rollerblades. I don't know, I wasn't even born until near the end of this series, and reading these books as a child I knew they were well before my time. Was rollerblading as an adult a common thing? Dawn asks her where she last took them off, and Carol says either in the car or at work. Now I'm even more confused. Why would you take your rollerblades off in the car? Where you driving in rollerblades? Do you work as a car hop? I don't get it.
Dawn's dad calls her Sunshine, which, aw. That's kind of cute. He gives her a bunch of pictures, report cards, etc and Dawn explains the purpose of her book, which is her autobiography. Coincidentally, all of her friends in Stoneybrook have to write them too. How much could a thirteen year old have to write about, especially these thirteen year olds? "At the age of twelve, when most girls my age are becoming interested in boys, I became obsessed with neighborhood children." Dawn goes to Sunny Winslow's house. I think I liked Sunny when I was a child. Actually, now that I think about it, I was just really obsessed with the fact that she didn't own a TV.
"Mrs. Windslow is one of my favorite people in the whole world. And she has cancer." Um, okay Dawn. I get that it's important to mention this fact, but did it really have to be the first thing you said about her? She goes on to say that Mrs. Winslow has weekly chemo appointments and no one knows if she'll get better. Like Stacey is sophisticated and Kristy is a lesbian, Mrs. Winslow's one allotted character trait is cancer. Literally, right after explaining the cancer, Dawn starts talking about Stoneybrook again and that she is reminded twenty times a day that it's the right decision. Mrs. Winslow isn't ever mentioned again if it's not cancer-related. Sunny and Dawn walk to school, at eight in the morning. That's probably a reasonable time, but my school starts at 7:00 am and I have to get the bus at 6:30. I am always bitter when I see fictional characters (in books, on tv, whatever) strolling into school at 9 AM. I would kill to get those extra two hours of sleep.
Dawn talks about her friends. There's Maggie Blume, who has a "very cool look" of wearing her hair spikey in the front and a "long thin tail" which she streaks in black or green or purple. I'm having trouble imagining this. She also doesn't act like a rich kid, but is one. Maggie doesn't care, though, and hangs out with "ordinary folks". Okay, Dawn. Because every rich person has to be a total bitch and avoid anyone whose home doesn't have dozens of rooms and a gym. Jill is quiet and serious and surfs. We're reminded that Sunny's mom has cancer, in case we forgot between this page and the one directly next to it. We're also told that The Baby-Sitters Cult is a nazi dictatorship while the We Love Kids club actually resembles a club that four teenagers would have. Dawn is absolutely amazed that Mrs. Winslow managed to make them a snack, even though she is sick. Dawn, my grandma had cancer. She was still able to put some vegetables on a plate. The phone rings, one of the girls answers it, finds out who's free, and that person takes the job. "It's as simple as that." Um...yeah, why would it be any more complicated? That's how it works in the BSC too, so I'm not sure what she's getting at. They "have a gab session and eat veggies and dip." Holy crap, they're being actual teenagers.
Dawn spends the rest of the day working on her autobiography. "I didn't mind. I thought my life so far was pretty interesting." Lol, of course you would. Why is Dawn's middle name Read? I know that Reed is a name, but it's spelled like the verb. What even. She calls herself a Bisexual Bicoastal Girl. The actual biography finally starts.
Dawn was due to be born on January 28th, but skipped being born for like a week, probably just to be a bitch. I was born on my due date. Since so few babies are actually born on their due date my mom didn't believe she was really in labor and arrived to the hospital so late that they couldn't give her pain meds. Lol. So, Dawn, being born late isn't really that big of a deal. Dawn's mother decided that going to the beach might make her go into labor which makes no sense. Dawn was born on February 5th, making her an Aquarius, for those who care about that sort of thing. Sharon thinks that the sound of the sea and pull of the tides would make her go into labor. A few hours later, they go to the hospital. This...confuses me because they don't say her water broke or contractions started or anything, just "oh i guess it's hospital time now." Why didn't they just induce her? The whole thing is very anticlimatic.
Dawn says that this might be why she loves the beach. If she was crying, all her parents had to do was "dip her in the ocean." I feel like most people want to give Dawn more than a "dip". When she is about a year old, Dawn manages to stand while holding onto a water cooler. Her parents are like "k" and go back to ignoring her. A minute later they look up and think she's been stolen because she's gone. I'm assuming that the water cooler she was clinging to was no farther than a foot away from them. If someone can steal your kid while you are sitting less than a foot away, something is wrong there. Oh, wait, no one stole her. She just walked away. Dawn tells us about her first words and honestly this is more boring than any chapter two of the regular series. There's another pointless anecdote about the fact that Sharon finds white stuff floating in chili, prepares it anyway and sets it on the table, THEN realizes it's play-doh. Which, what? If there was a foreign object in your food, wouldn't you figure out what it was first before just shrugging and preparing it? Dawn also stuffs play-doh in her ears and Sharon freaks out. According to Dawn it was because her "precious girl couldn't hear". Precious isn't the word, Dawn.
When Dawn is three she gets the biggest surprise of her life. Bigger than any of the random crap that happens in the mystery novels I'm sure. Basically, her parents disappear for a few days and come back with a baby. Dawn is all kinds of pissed off and tries doing things like put play-doh on Jeff's face and throw stuff at him. Did they not tell her a new baby was coming? That's just asking for problems. I get that they might not have thought she'd understand, but seriously? Dawn says that they pay attention to the baby and not her and that "there didn't seem to be anymore sunshine in her life". Um, okay. That is dark. Wtf. My parents had my sister when I was two and I understood completely. Kids are not stupid. Why didn't they clear all of this up before they had the kid instead of just springing a surprise sibling on her?
Her sibling angst disappears and Dawn tells us about her daycare and how she hated the baby-doll corner as a child. I guess then she drank the kool-aid and all of the sudden kids became the meaning of her life. She tells us that she and Ruthie Robillard (what kind of last name is that) "had a lot of fun in that block-building corner." They build the Eiffel tower and these two boys knock it down when they switch centers. They don't kick it down when they're playing with it. They wait until the girls go to the dress up station, then knock it down and make something else. What's the problem with that? I can't call four year old Dawn a bitch, but seriously? Dawn tells the teacher that she "reads stories so beautiful" and the teacher is so flattered at this amazing compliment by a young child that she reads Madeline to the whole class just because Dawn asked her too. Really? I feel bad for this teacher that she has to get her self esteem from the four year olds she teaches. They read the story and it turns out that Dawn glued the blocks together so they couldn't be taken down. The two little boys attempt to kick it and injure themselves in the process. What the hell, Dawn.
Dawn claims that Jeff's first word, Da-da, was referring to herself and not their father. Really, how could you possibly know that? He's an infant, how do you know who he was referring to? Also: "I learned to like having a little brother. It was fun to live with someone who adored me and followed me around." HAHA. Conceited much? Dawn says that she's lucky to have a little brother because "it taught me at an early age that the sun does not rise and set on me alone, even though my name is Dawn." As if the fact that your name is Dawn means anything. And the sun doesn't rise and set on 'dawn'. Dawn is the time of day in which the sun rises. So you're not only conceited as hell, you're an idiot. And not every only child is conceited. No, the world doesn't revolve around you. You shouldn't have needed a younger sibling to tell you that.
Chapter three. Is it me or do these chapters never end? Dawn is all pissed because they move to a new neighborhood. Jeff is thrilled because all the kids are three like him, but Dawn is six and she doesn't have a lot in common with a three year old. Except the maturity level, maybe. Dawn makes friends at school, though, so what's the problem? She also has a yellow parakeet named Buzz and tells everyone lies such like that he takes singing lessons and told her he loves her. Dawn is upset because her friends don't live near her and that she wants to be able to go down the street one day and have someone to hang out with. I get that. I live in a neighborhood full of little kids or old people. None of my friends live within walking distance. One day a house nearby goes up for sale and is then sold. Dawn obsessively stalks the house waiting for the family to move in and is ecstatic upon learning that they have a daughter her age.
Dawn sees the new family move in and judges the shit out of them. First, they are stereotypical hippies. Their car is full of peace signs and flowers and the mom and daughter wear ankle-length dresses. The guy has his hair in a ponytail. None of them wear shoes and they cheer about peace and love. Dawn is horrified. Literally. "The women ran onto the front lawn, flung out her arms and danced in circles. The girl did the same. And then, to my horror, so did the man." Dawn, what the hell. I get why it might be weird, but to your horror? Please shut up. She says they're the weirdest people she's seen outside of television and also uses the word 'weird' about eighty-seven thousand times. The moving men are laughing at them, which is pretty messed up. The woman asks "Sunshine" to help her with the plants, and Dawn wonders why the lady is talking to her, especially with her special nickname. She then realizes that the girl is also called Sunshine and instead of being rational, she gets angry and decides to never speak to this family ever. Sunshine isn't an uncommon nickname. Hasn't she heard "You Are My Sunshine"? I'm pretty sure many, many parents have sung that to their kids.
Before she can get away, Mrs. Hippie (who we discover is Mrs. Winslow, aka cancer lady) says hello to her and introduces her to Sunshine Daydream Winslow. ...Okay. I'm pretty sure that people like this don't actually exist in real life, not even in this time frame. Dawn tells them her name and says she lives "around" there, added, "I didn't want them to know exactly where I lived." Dawn, what the fuck? They aren't serial killers. Just because they look different, that doesn't mean they want to kill you. She offers without thinking to help them move their stuff. She is further weirded out that they don't have a couch, just giant pillows (which seems kind of cool), and that they don't order takeout on moving day. Here that guys? They have a fully prepared meal instead of ordering Chinese. What freaks. They have kelp soup, which, Dawn, you eat tofu. Most people would be as grossed out by that as you are about seaweed. She runs out of the house as they "thank the sea and the earth for this meal". I'm still really doubting that anyone in the real world is like this, but I'm too pissed at Dawn to care.
Jesus. That was the longest three chapters ever. Hope you liked it, I'm going to attempt to recover from the pile of shit I just had to process.
The book opens with Dawn asking, "Where am I?" She then remembers that she was drugged by the Baby Sitter's cult is on the West Coast, "and this time, it's for good." She tells us that not long ago she moved here from Connecticut, and helpfully adds that Connecticut is on the East Coast. She goes on to explain that her mother is remarried and lives in Connecticut, with Richard and Mary Anne. She now lives with her father, her stepmother Carol, and Jeff. "Pretty confusing, huh?" No, Dawn. I think even Claudia can handle the concept of divorce and remarriage.
Jeff knocks on her door and they have a pointless exchange where Dawn fails to understand how a knock-knock joke works. She opens the door and sees Frankenstein. She screams, then realizes it's just her brother wearing a Halloween mask. I just... We're two pages in and Dawn is demonstrating the mental capacity of one of her babysitting charges. Jeff and the mask have no relevance to anything at all. Dawn tells us about Carol, adding that she's younger than Dawn's father. Which...isn't unusual? My mom is younger than my dad. That goes for most people I know. Dawn goes to eat breakfast and Carol asks Dawn if she'd seen her rollerblades. I don't know, I wasn't even born until near the end of this series, and reading these books as a child I knew they were well before my time. Was rollerblading as an adult a common thing? Dawn asks her where she last took them off, and Carol says either in the car or at work. Now I'm even more confused. Why would you take your rollerblades off in the car? Where you driving in rollerblades? Do you work as a car hop? I don't get it.
Dawn's dad calls her Sunshine, which, aw. That's kind of cute. He gives her a bunch of pictures, report cards, etc and Dawn explains the purpose of her book, which is her autobiography. Coincidentally, all of her friends in Stoneybrook have to write them too. How much could a thirteen year old have to write about, especially these thirteen year olds? "At the age of twelve, when most girls my age are becoming interested in boys, I became obsessed with neighborhood children." Dawn goes to Sunny Winslow's house. I think I liked Sunny when I was a child. Actually, now that I think about it, I was just really obsessed with the fact that she didn't own a TV.
"Mrs. Windslow is one of my favorite people in the whole world. And she has cancer." Um, okay Dawn. I get that it's important to mention this fact, but did it really have to be the first thing you said about her? She goes on to say that Mrs. Winslow has weekly chemo appointments and no one knows if she'll get better. Like Stacey is sophisticated and Kristy is a lesbian, Mrs. Winslow's one allotted character trait is cancer. Literally, right after explaining the cancer, Dawn starts talking about Stoneybrook again and that she is reminded twenty times a day that it's the right decision. Mrs. Winslow isn't ever mentioned again if it's not cancer-related. Sunny and Dawn walk to school, at eight in the morning. That's probably a reasonable time, but my school starts at 7:00 am and I have to get the bus at 6:30. I am always bitter when I see fictional characters (in books, on tv, whatever) strolling into school at 9 AM. I would kill to get those extra two hours of sleep.
Dawn talks about her friends. There's Maggie Blume, who has a "very cool look" of wearing her hair spikey in the front and a "long thin tail" which she streaks in black or green or purple. I'm having trouble imagining this. She also doesn't act like a rich kid, but is one. Maggie doesn't care, though, and hangs out with "ordinary folks". Okay, Dawn. Because every rich person has to be a total bitch and avoid anyone whose home doesn't have dozens of rooms and a gym. Jill is quiet and serious and surfs. We're reminded that Sunny's mom has cancer, in case we forgot between this page and the one directly next to it. We're also told that The Baby-Sitters Cult is a nazi dictatorship while the We Love Kids club actually resembles a club that four teenagers would have. Dawn is absolutely amazed that Mrs. Winslow managed to make them a snack, even though she is sick. Dawn, my grandma had cancer. She was still able to put some vegetables on a plate. The phone rings, one of the girls answers it, finds out who's free, and that person takes the job. "It's as simple as that." Um...yeah, why would it be any more complicated? That's how it works in the BSC too, so I'm not sure what she's getting at. They "have a gab session and eat veggies and dip." Holy crap, they're being actual teenagers.
Dawn spends the rest of the day working on her autobiography. "I didn't mind. I thought my life so far was pretty interesting." Lol, of course you would. Why is Dawn's middle name Read? I know that Reed is a name, but it's spelled like the verb. What even. She calls herself a Bisexual Bicoastal Girl. The actual biography finally starts.
Dawn was due to be born on January 28th, but skipped being born for like a week, probably just to be a bitch. I was born on my due date. Since so few babies are actually born on their due date my mom didn't believe she was really in labor and arrived to the hospital so late that they couldn't give her pain meds. Lol. So, Dawn, being born late isn't really that big of a deal. Dawn's mother decided that going to the beach might make her go into labor which makes no sense. Dawn was born on February 5th, making her an Aquarius, for those who care about that sort of thing. Sharon thinks that the sound of the sea and pull of the tides would make her go into labor. A few hours later, they go to the hospital. This...confuses me because they don't say her water broke or contractions started or anything, just "oh i guess it's hospital time now." Why didn't they just induce her? The whole thing is very anticlimatic.
Dawn says that this might be why she loves the beach. If she was crying, all her parents had to do was "dip her in the ocean." I feel like most people want to give Dawn more than a "dip". When she is about a year old, Dawn manages to stand while holding onto a water cooler. Her parents are like "k" and go back to ignoring her. A minute later they look up and think she's been stolen because she's gone. I'm assuming that the water cooler she was clinging to was no farther than a foot away from them. If someone can steal your kid while you are sitting less than a foot away, something is wrong there. Oh, wait, no one stole her. She just walked away. Dawn tells us about her first words and honestly this is more boring than any chapter two of the regular series. There's another pointless anecdote about the fact that Sharon finds white stuff floating in chili, prepares it anyway and sets it on the table, THEN realizes it's play-doh. Which, what? If there was a foreign object in your food, wouldn't you figure out what it was first before just shrugging and preparing it? Dawn also stuffs play-doh in her ears and Sharon freaks out. According to Dawn it was because her "precious girl couldn't hear". Precious isn't the word, Dawn.
When Dawn is three she gets the biggest surprise of her life. Bigger than any of the random crap that happens in the mystery novels I'm sure. Basically, her parents disappear for a few days and come back with a baby. Dawn is all kinds of pissed off and tries doing things like put play-doh on Jeff's face and throw stuff at him. Did they not tell her a new baby was coming? That's just asking for problems. I get that they might not have thought she'd understand, but seriously? Dawn says that they pay attention to the baby and not her and that "there didn't seem to be anymore sunshine in her life". Um, okay. That is dark. Wtf. My parents had my sister when I was two and I understood completely. Kids are not stupid. Why didn't they clear all of this up before they had the kid instead of just springing a surprise sibling on her?
Her sibling angst disappears and Dawn tells us about her daycare and how she hated the baby-doll corner as a child. I guess then she drank the kool-aid and all of the sudden kids became the meaning of her life. She tells us that she and Ruthie Robillard (what kind of last name is that) "had a lot of fun in that block-building corner." They build the Eiffel tower and these two boys knock it down when they switch centers. They don't kick it down when they're playing with it. They wait until the girls go to the dress up station, then knock it down and make something else. What's the problem with that? I can't call four year old Dawn a bitch, but seriously? Dawn tells the teacher that she "reads stories so beautiful" and the teacher is so flattered at this amazing compliment by a young child that she reads Madeline to the whole class just because Dawn asked her too. Really? I feel bad for this teacher that she has to get her self esteem from the four year olds she teaches. They read the story and it turns out that Dawn glued the blocks together so they couldn't be taken down. The two little boys attempt to kick it and injure themselves in the process. What the hell, Dawn.
Dawn claims that Jeff's first word, Da-da, was referring to herself and not their father. Really, how could you possibly know that? He's an infant, how do you know who he was referring to? Also: "I learned to like having a little brother. It was fun to live with someone who adored me and followed me around." HAHA. Conceited much? Dawn says that she's lucky to have a little brother because "it taught me at an early age that the sun does not rise and set on me alone, even though my name is Dawn." As if the fact that your name is Dawn means anything. And the sun doesn't rise and set on 'dawn'. Dawn is the time of day in which the sun rises. So you're not only conceited as hell, you're an idiot. And not every only child is conceited. No, the world doesn't revolve around you. You shouldn't have needed a younger sibling to tell you that.
Chapter three. Is it me or do these chapters never end? Dawn is all pissed because they move to a new neighborhood. Jeff is thrilled because all the kids are three like him, but Dawn is six and she doesn't have a lot in common with a three year old. Except the maturity level, maybe. Dawn makes friends at school, though, so what's the problem? She also has a yellow parakeet named Buzz and tells everyone lies such like that he takes singing lessons and told her he loves her. Dawn is upset because her friends don't live near her and that she wants to be able to go down the street one day and have someone to hang out with. I get that. I live in a neighborhood full of little kids or old people. None of my friends live within walking distance. One day a house nearby goes up for sale and is then sold. Dawn obsessively stalks the house waiting for the family to move in and is ecstatic upon learning that they have a daughter her age.
Dawn sees the new family move in and judges the shit out of them. First, they are stereotypical hippies. Their car is full of peace signs and flowers and the mom and daughter wear ankle-length dresses. The guy has his hair in a ponytail. None of them wear shoes and they cheer about peace and love. Dawn is horrified. Literally. "The women ran onto the front lawn, flung out her arms and danced in circles. The girl did the same. And then, to my horror, so did the man." Dawn, what the hell. I get why it might be weird, but to your horror? Please shut up. She says they're the weirdest people she's seen outside of television and also uses the word 'weird' about eighty-seven thousand times. The moving men are laughing at them, which is pretty messed up. The woman asks "Sunshine" to help her with the plants, and Dawn wonders why the lady is talking to her, especially with her special nickname. She then realizes that the girl is also called Sunshine and instead of being rational, she gets angry and decides to never speak to this family ever. Sunshine isn't an uncommon nickname. Hasn't she heard "You Are My Sunshine"? I'm pretty sure many, many parents have sung that to their kids.
Before she can get away, Mrs. Hippie (who we discover is Mrs. Winslow, aka cancer lady) says hello to her and introduces her to Sunshine Daydream Winslow. ...Okay. I'm pretty sure that people like this don't actually exist in real life, not even in this time frame. Dawn tells them her name and says she lives "around" there, added, "I didn't want them to know exactly where I lived." Dawn, what the fuck? They aren't serial killers. Just because they look different, that doesn't mean they want to kill you. She offers without thinking to help them move their stuff. She is further weirded out that they don't have a couch, just giant pillows (which seems kind of cool), and that they don't order takeout on moving day. Here that guys? They have a fully prepared meal instead of ordering Chinese. What freaks. They have kelp soup, which, Dawn, you eat tofu. Most people would be as grossed out by that as you are about seaweed. She runs out of the house as they "thank the sea and the earth for this meal". I'm still really doubting that anyone in the real world is like this, but I'm too pissed at Dawn to care.
Jesus. That was the longest three chapters ever. Hope you liked it, I'm going to attempt to recover from the pile of shit I just had to process.