Super Special #11 The Baby-sitters Remember - Claudia
Well, since it’s been about a year since the last person who attempted this book posted, I thought I’d make my debut by taking a crack at it. The poor soul probably got lost in Claudia’s horrible grammar...
I’ll skip the first bit, since it’s been covered just fine here and here, and move on to Claudia’s most vivi vive most clear memory. This is gonna be painful.
We’re off to a positive start, as Claudia reminds us that she’s dumb enough to need summer school, but smart enough to realize this isn’t a surprise to anyone! Did you know that “Wensday” is a date now? (Also, Claud, helpful tip - if you want to take up space, try writing in Dawn-size font. It’ll help, trust me.)
So, our little artist’s most vivid memory is when she was six. She starts off with the general “this is my family and Janine was a genius even when she was nine” generics that we all love to hate, followed by pointing out how she didn’t have a “best friend” until Stacey moved in. It’s been a page and a half and I’m bored already, oh lord help me.
Anyways! So Mimi is awesome and Claudia has crayons, and she colors instead of watching TV because TV is clearly evil, and so is multitasking.
We hit a slew of sentence fragments about how Claudia sucked at school even when the most stressing lesson was “write your name,” and also an interesting tid-bit about Kristy always getting into fights at school. I’ve been watching a lot of Criminal Minds, and I immediately jump to the conclusion that Kristy is a budding serial killer. Then I go get another coffee.
Anyways! So the morning routine of walking to school gets a couple of pages, with Janine walking the six-year-olds to the school and dear god they must live close to the elementary school, because six-year-olds walking with only the supervision of a nine-year-old? That just seems dangerous for anything more than, like, two blocks.
Claudia explains how Kristy’s dad skeevs her out, and I remember the movie and agree. Apparently Mr. Spier “wasn’t a lot of fun, but he was nice enough.” Mary Anne is in dresses and braids, and personally, I think that’s kind of cute... Though the obsessive every day use of it, and the rules laid down (NO jeans? Sneakers only in gym class, really?) end the cute thoughts. Mr. Spier doesn’t really wish his daughter a good day, just reminds her to be careful crossing the street and not to trade her lunch. Sort of a dick move, Rich.
So Janine walks them to school... while reading a book?! So she’s not even really watching them, just walking behind them and... what? Using their voices to make sure none of them are getting kidnapped or hit by cars? I’m surprised Kristy didn’t call her out for being a bad supervisor.
Oh jeez, I didn’t notice before, but... this is written like a Karen book. There are no contractions in their speech. Whyyyyyyyy. Children don’t talk like that, it’s too proper! They’re more likely to use contractions because they can! I’ve got nieces and cousins, and they’re all about the contractions!
Claudia, and everyone around her, passes off her ADD without a thought about medicating the fuck out of her to sit still, and we move on to describing art class. I self-medicate with another coffee that’s more baileys than coffee and settle in for a long read.
Art class gets there after their teacher yells at them and makes Mary Anne cry... Does no one care that this teacher is screaming at six-year-olds and frightening them, some to the point of tears? Then again, it’s Mary Anne crying, so... But still! Who lets this woman teach? Who doesn’t take Kristy to the office and ask her why she gets in so many fights? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS TOWN?!
Sorry, I’m back. I just... I needed a moment there.
So Claudia starts freaking out about “art homework” because she can’t pay attention in school, how is she supposed to at home with people like her parents and older sister and grandma there to give her one-on-one attention? Seriously now!
So the art homework... You know what, I’ll just copy this from the book, because it’ll be worth referencing soon enough.
“Your homework is to color a self-portrait. I want each of you to make yours at home because I want you to be able to work in peace. I want you to draw yourself the way you see yourself, not the way your friends see themselves.”
So yeah... Anyways, Mary Anne tries to ask a question and gets cut off, and then Kristy just shouts out her question, and gets cheeky. Kinda cute, but it’d also piss me off if I was the adult in the situation, so not that cute. No wonder their teacher yells.
Claudia exhibits more symptoms of ADD during the rest of the day, followed by going home all excited to work on her project. Chapter one ends with Claudia knowing exactly what she’s going to draw, and me not even bothering with the coffee and just chugging the baileys.
Chapter two opens with Claudia announcing that she has homework for the first and probably last time, and Janine immediately belittling her. That’s right Janine; fuel the hate and the complexes! Therapy is YEARS down the road!
Mimi breaks up the potential fistfight, though not for long, but Janine just makes Claudia feel dumb again before going to her room to work on much more important homework than “art homework”, or something.
Our heroine gets to work drawing, using all sorts of gaudy colors like the Claudia we know. This is the picture for her chapter, by the way. Kneeling at her bed (I assume. Or a table with a low table cloth) and coloring. It’s actually not a bad picture, though I think they might have stolen her face from Emily Michelle, since it looks a little TOO young. But she’s well proportioned, from what I can tell... Though I’m horrible at that. As for clothes, she’s got on white boots, dark tights, and what looks like a matching print shirt (too long on the body, too short on the arms, weird collar) and shorts (knee-length). Not too shabby, you’re growing into your personal style, Claud! Oh, and can’t forget, she’s got a side ponytail that she’s totally rockin’.
She ends up drawing a butterfly-“my beautiful, wild, free butterfly”-and I feel almost bad, knowing what’s coming up. But I’ll soldier on! She spends the evening moving it around her house afraid it’ll get lost, and then it’s off to school Friday, portrait in hand. Kristy harasses the others about seeing theirs, Mary Anne freaks the hell out, and Janine does something proactive and tells Kristy to shut the hell up, if not in so many words.
So art class gets there and it’s time to look at everyone’s pictures! So Miss Packett goes through and unrolls each one and Claudia starts to get nervous, because every picture is of “a face (sometimes a body, too) with brown or black or blond hair and brown or black or blue eyes.” Nice to know you don’t let gingers or green-eyed people in your schools. Stay classy, SES!
When Claudia’s finally gets held up, she realizes that she forgot to write her name on it, and, you know, it’s a butterfly instead of a person. Like a bitch, Miss Packett gets right on her case about it and humiliates her in front of the class. It’s pretty hard to snark, because a teacher doing something like that to a six-year-old just isn’t funny. Seriously, SES sucks.
Anyways, so school finally ends and at home Claudia starts crying. Janine doesn’t know what’s going on because pffft whatever it’s not like her sister is contributing anything to her molecular biology studies or what have you. But Mimi is awesome and finally gets the story out of Claudia, and marches her right back to the school.
When I was a kid, this is the part that I loved, mostly because if I ever had a disagreement with a teacher, I was usually in the wrong, and didn’t have an awesome grandma to march in and set that bitch straight. So, kudos to Mimi for bein’ the best grandma ever, and making Claudia realize that maybe she’s not retarded (but she is ADD, seriously. Medicate that kid).
Mimi tells off Miss Packett like a boss, which is awesome, and points out that Claudia understood the idea of “drawing yourself as you see yourself” better than the rest of those snot-nosed brats.
On the one hand, encouraging a six-year-old to be creative and not be limited to the confines of what their peers think is nice. On the other hand, Mimi just paved the way for Claudia to assume that every time a teacher says she’s “wrong” she’s actually right and just understood the directions on a different level than everyone else, which... isn’t so good.
Oh, also, Claudia misspelled her own name. WILL SOMEONE PUT THAT GIRL ON RITALIN AND IN A SPECIAL EDUCATION CLASS ALREADY?!
Jessi’s up next, I’ll try to get around to writing it soon.
I hope I did okay... First time snarker and all, but I've read just about every other snark post. Eh heh... I'm just gonna get another baileys and coffee...
I’ll skip the first bit, since it’s been covered just fine here and here, and move on to Claudia’s most vivi vive most clear memory. This is gonna be painful.
We’re off to a positive start, as Claudia reminds us that she’s dumb enough to need summer school, but smart enough to realize this isn’t a surprise to anyone! Did you know that “Wensday” is a date now? (Also, Claud, helpful tip - if you want to take up space, try writing in Dawn-size font. It’ll help, trust me.)
So, our little artist’s most vivid memory is when she was six. She starts off with the general “this is my family and Janine was a genius even when she was nine” generics that we all love to hate, followed by pointing out how she didn’t have a “best friend” until Stacey moved in. It’s been a page and a half and I’m bored already, oh lord help me.
Anyways! So Mimi is awesome and Claudia has crayons, and she colors instead of watching TV because TV is clearly evil, and so is multitasking.
We hit a slew of sentence fragments about how Claudia sucked at school even when the most stressing lesson was “write your name,” and also an interesting tid-bit about Kristy always getting into fights at school. I’ve been watching a lot of Criminal Minds, and I immediately jump to the conclusion that Kristy is a budding serial killer. Then I go get another coffee.
Anyways! So the morning routine of walking to school gets a couple of pages, with Janine walking the six-year-olds to the school and dear god they must live close to the elementary school, because six-year-olds walking with only the supervision of a nine-year-old? That just seems dangerous for anything more than, like, two blocks.
Claudia explains how Kristy’s dad skeevs her out, and I remember the movie and agree. Apparently Mr. Spier “wasn’t a lot of fun, but he was nice enough.” Mary Anne is in dresses and braids, and personally, I think that’s kind of cute... Though the obsessive every day use of it, and the rules laid down (NO jeans? Sneakers only in gym class, really?) end the cute thoughts. Mr. Spier doesn’t really wish his daughter a good day, just reminds her to be careful crossing the street and not to trade her lunch. Sort of a dick move, Rich.
So Janine walks them to school... while reading a book?! So she’s not even really watching them, just walking behind them and... what? Using their voices to make sure none of them are getting kidnapped or hit by cars? I’m surprised Kristy didn’t call her out for being a bad supervisor.
Oh jeez, I didn’t notice before, but... this is written like a Karen book. There are no contractions in their speech. Whyyyyyyyy. Children don’t talk like that, it’s too proper! They’re more likely to use contractions because they can! I’ve got nieces and cousins, and they’re all about the contractions!
Claudia, and everyone around her, passes off her ADD without a thought about medicating the fuck out of her to sit still, and we move on to describing art class. I self-medicate with another coffee that’s more baileys than coffee and settle in for a long read.
Art class gets there after their teacher yells at them and makes Mary Anne cry... Does no one care that this teacher is screaming at six-year-olds and frightening them, some to the point of tears? Then again, it’s Mary Anne crying, so... But still! Who lets this woman teach? Who doesn’t take Kristy to the office and ask her why she gets in so many fights? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS TOWN?!
Sorry, I’m back. I just... I needed a moment there.
So Claudia starts freaking out about “art homework” because she can’t pay attention in school, how is she supposed to at home with people like her parents and older sister and grandma there to give her one-on-one attention? Seriously now!
So the art homework... You know what, I’ll just copy this from the book, because it’ll be worth referencing soon enough.
“Your homework is to color a self-portrait. I want each of you to make yours at home because I want you to be able to work in peace. I want you to draw yourself the way you see yourself, not the way your friends see themselves.”
So yeah... Anyways, Mary Anne tries to ask a question and gets cut off, and then Kristy just shouts out her question, and gets cheeky. Kinda cute, but it’d also piss me off if I was the adult in the situation, so not that cute. No wonder their teacher yells.
Claudia exhibits more symptoms of ADD during the rest of the day, followed by going home all excited to work on her project. Chapter one ends with Claudia knowing exactly what she’s going to draw, and me not even bothering with the coffee and just chugging the baileys.
Chapter two opens with Claudia announcing that she has homework for the first and probably last time, and Janine immediately belittling her. That’s right Janine; fuel the hate and the complexes! Therapy is YEARS down the road!
Mimi breaks up the potential fistfight, though not for long, but Janine just makes Claudia feel dumb again before going to her room to work on much more important homework than “art homework”, or something.
Our heroine gets to work drawing, using all sorts of gaudy colors like the Claudia we know. This is the picture for her chapter, by the way. Kneeling at her bed (I assume. Or a table with a low table cloth) and coloring. It’s actually not a bad picture, though I think they might have stolen her face from Emily Michelle, since it looks a little TOO young. But she’s well proportioned, from what I can tell... Though I’m horrible at that. As for clothes, she’s got on white boots, dark tights, and what looks like a matching print shirt (too long on the body, too short on the arms, weird collar) and shorts (knee-length). Not too shabby, you’re growing into your personal style, Claud! Oh, and can’t forget, she’s got a side ponytail that she’s totally rockin’.
She ends up drawing a butterfly-“my beautiful, wild, free butterfly”-and I feel almost bad, knowing what’s coming up. But I’ll soldier on! She spends the evening moving it around her house afraid it’ll get lost, and then it’s off to school Friday, portrait in hand. Kristy harasses the others about seeing theirs, Mary Anne freaks the hell out, and Janine does something proactive and tells Kristy to shut the hell up, if not in so many words.
So art class gets there and it’s time to look at everyone’s pictures! So Miss Packett goes through and unrolls each one and Claudia starts to get nervous, because every picture is of “a face (sometimes a body, too) with brown or black or blond hair and brown or black or blue eyes.” Nice to know you don’t let gingers or green-eyed people in your schools. Stay classy, SES!
When Claudia’s finally gets held up, she realizes that she forgot to write her name on it, and, you know, it’s a butterfly instead of a person. Like a bitch, Miss Packett gets right on her case about it and humiliates her in front of the class. It’s pretty hard to snark, because a teacher doing something like that to a six-year-old just isn’t funny. Seriously, SES sucks.
Anyways, so school finally ends and at home Claudia starts crying. Janine doesn’t know what’s going on because pffft whatever it’s not like her sister is contributing anything to her molecular biology studies or what have you. But Mimi is awesome and finally gets the story out of Claudia, and marches her right back to the school.
When I was a kid, this is the part that I loved, mostly because if I ever had a disagreement with a teacher, I was usually in the wrong, and didn’t have an awesome grandma to march in and set that bitch straight. So, kudos to Mimi for bein’ the best grandma ever, and making Claudia realize that maybe she’s not retarded (but she is ADD, seriously. Medicate that kid).
Mimi tells off Miss Packett like a boss, which is awesome, and points out that Claudia understood the idea of “drawing yourself as you see yourself” better than the rest of those snot-nosed brats.
On the one hand, encouraging a six-year-old to be creative and not be limited to the confines of what their peers think is nice. On the other hand, Mimi just paved the way for Claudia to assume that every time a teacher says she’s “wrong” she’s actually right and just understood the directions on a different level than everyone else, which... isn’t so good.
Oh, also, Claudia misspelled her own name. WILL SOMEONE PUT THAT GIRL ON RITALIN AND IN A SPECIAL EDUCATION CLASS ALREADY?!
Jessi’s up next, I’ll try to get around to writing it soon.
I hope I did okay... First time snarker and all, but I've read just about every other snark post. Eh heh... I'm just gonna get another baileys and coffee...